Saturday, September 30, 2006

Fan Club Update

As you have probably no doubt figured out, it's the end of the month. This, of course, means that I'm hard at work on this month's giftpack.

Well... In between rounds of Mario Hoops. Damn that game is fun.

The only thing that would makeit better would be if I was an unlockable character. That would be awesome.

Wario goes for a dunk when suddenly, I hit him with a banstick and he gets eaten by Jormy.

That's pure entertainment value, right there.

Anyway, the pack will be sent out on the second of the month barring unforseen circumstances such as death or a Dynamis run.

There will be at least two exclusive [GM]Dave stories in the pack this month, one pertaining to the game and one pertaining to Susan and the development of my rightful heir.

And whatever else I can figure to put in. Sometimes I just throw in random items. Last month, I think I included my grade 12 paper on the industrial revolution.

Now, you're thinking that that would not be valuable. But if one of my readers was in grade 12...

Friday, September 29, 2006

Unscheduled Interruption

Sorry to interrupt the fan week theme, people, but I just had to tell you what happened yesterday.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the single greatest day in human history. It marks the date that our civilization was changed for the greater good.

It was my birthday.

Unfortunately, my day was not going so well. The GM call queue at work just kept getting worse and worse.

I must have erased it five or six times an hour at least. And the calls just kept coming.

By the time I got home, I was grumbling to myself and entertaining the idea of building some sort of Doomsday device. I'm sure customer service will be much less frustrating when the rest of humanity is either destroyed or enslaved.

A man can dream, can't he?

Needless to say, I was in a praticularly bad mood when I got home. I wanted nothing other than to avoid all contact with other people.

Susan>> Oh, Davvvvvvve...
Susan>> I'm in the bedroom...

Terrific. The one night I'm not in the mood to deal with people is the night Susan is in the mood.

Okay, I'm never in the mood to deal with people. But that usually doesn't stop me from having sex with her.

Last night, though, I just couldn't handle even the idea of it.

Yes, my day was so bad I was actually not in the mood for sex. Think about how bad it had to be.

I walked into the bedroom ready to break the news. There she was, in our bed with the covers pulled up to her neck. She looked absolutely gorgeous.

Unfortunately, she was still a human being and I was in no mood for human beings.

Even hot ones.

Yes, my day was that bad.

Susan>> I've got something for you under here.
Susan>> And you just have to get your hands on.
[GM]Dave>> Listen, honey... I had a long day...
Susan>> Sshhhhhh
Susan>> Don't worry about that right now.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously. I don't think you understand.
[GM]Dave>> I'm really not in the mood...
Susan>> Not in the mood?
Susan>> You're not in the mood for this?

With that, she threw back the covers to reveal her body.

Her fully dressed body.

I was just about to ask her what was going on when I saw something lying next to her on the bed.

It was a sleek, shiny, jet black DS lite.

My jaw nearly dropped to the floor. It was so beautiful.

Ironically, the thing looked like sex.

My frustration and anger were instantly erased. I ran to the bed graing my new DS lite in one hand and Susan in the other. We made wild, passionate love.

[GM]Dave>> That was amazing.
[GM]Dave>> You're the best I ever had.
Susan>> Thanks.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> You're still here?

So, I was sleeping on the couch...

Thursday, September 28, 2006

When Good People Go Bad - Vol. 4

Why are we always in such a rush?

Between exp parties and linkshell events, Dynamis and crafting, FFXI players are constantly rushing somewhere.

It's just our nature.

I do it, too. When I'm on my main, I'm constantly rushing around, trying to get in that final round of crafting before it's time for me to go home.

Now, it's not the rushing that's a problem. The rushing is just a sign that people enjoy playing so much that they literally have to run to get it all in.

That's good.

The problem comes from the mistakes that constantly rushing around can cause. You're in such a rush that you're not paying attention to what your doing and that leads to unfortunate things.

That's bad.

Then those people compound that mistake by making yet another mistake. They make a GM call about something that was entirely their own fault.

That's just stupid.

Boo hoo. You were rushing to get to Dynamis in time. You make a quick stop at the Auction House and put up a stack of crystals for 1 gil.

Whoops. That was supposed to be 1,000.

And whoops, that was your Haubergeon you sold and not your crystals.

You just learned a very valuable lesson. A costly lesson, but a valuable one.

No... Not that kind of value. More like a building character type of value.

On the actual value, you totally got screwed.

Still, at least we've learned our lesson and we'll just go on with our...

Wait... What are you... Why are you going to the Help Desk menu?

Why are you sending a GM call?

You don't need to send a GM call. This was quite obviously your own mistake. You don't have to...



And it's like that every other day here. We're constantly dealing with people who make silly mistakes because they were in a rush. We then do our best to explain the importance of paying attention to your gameplay.

We also don't do/give a shit.

Let me tell you about a friend of mine. He made a similar mistake and ended up paying a fairly high price for this important lesson.

No, I did not feed him to a dragon.

My friend was doing a BCNM run trying to raise some money for gear. They were having a pretty good night. No major problems, but the drops weren't fantastic.

Finally, it came time for my friend's turn. He traded his orb, the warped into the BCNM, and they went to work.

A few minutes later, the last monster had just died and they opened the Armoury Crate that held the reward.

It must have been my friend's lucky day because his drops were amazing for this particular BCNM. All in all, he had the better part of a million gil sitting in the treasure pool.

His worries were over.

But they were in a huge rush to make sure every got their run done, so they were flying through the event and then back out to start over.

BlackMage>> Everyone ready?
BlackMage>> I'll Escape us out.
Friend>> Let's go.
BlackMage>> Casting Escape...
BlackMage>> Now!
Leader>> Umm...
Leader>> Did you remember to lot for those items?

BlackMage casts Escape.


Imagine losing almost a million gil because you forgot to lot on your rewards.

Now, a stupid person would have immediately called a GM and tell him to fix it.

The conversation would have gone like this:

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you suffer from premature evacuation.
Friend>> Yeah, can you give me back my rewards?
Friend>> I really need that money.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> We don't give back items.
Friend>> Please?
[GM]Dave>> We do have an alternate way of dealing with this.
Friend>> What's that?
[GM]Dave>> All you have to do is go jump up your own ass.
[GM]Dave>> Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Listen, you rush, you make mistakes. You make mistakes, you lose money.

All because you didn't bother to pay attention.

Be a good player and just suck it up. You'll never make that mistake again. Lesson learned.

Otherwise, feel free to save us both some time and go straight to the part where you jump up your own ass.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

When Good People Go Bad - Vol. 3

We continue on with our look into good players gone bad with an old favorite.

I'm sure many of you are guilty of this crime. Lord knows I've seen this enough times to account for at least half the population of FFXI.

We've all been there. You're trying to form a party, but you just can't find the right jobs.

So you make a slightly unorthodox choice.

And then another.

And then another.

Next thing you know, you've got a Warrior/Ninja tanking with a Dark Knight as your back up tank and the Black Mage is your main healer.

Congratulations! You've just formed a train wreck.

There's something about being lfg (looking for group) that just breaks the minds of otherwise reasonable players. You see all of these other people walking by in their level billion gear and you want to level, too.

And then you snap.

You start to form your own party and you don't really care who you find. You just need five warm bodies to help your get to the next level.

Look! There's a Samurai looking for a group!

Let's make him the tank.

And then the rationalizing...

You will actually manage to convince yourself that this could work. You actually think that maybe every other person is wrong and that this will be an awesome party.

And it will be.

For the three seconds before you all get horribly murdered.


This evening, I was leveling my Black Mage through the horrible Crawler's Nest levels.

As opposed to the horrible Garlaige Citadel levels...

And the horrible Jungle levels...

And the horrible qufim levels...

You get my point.

I had been lfg for quite a bit when I got a tell asking me to come to Crawler's Nest for a party. I figured what's the worst that could happen?

Isn't funny how you always ask yourself that right before fate shows you a new definition of the word "worst"?

I warp back to Jeuno and grab a chocobo. As I'm riding to CN, I get an invite to his party. Cool, we can get going right awa...

Why am I the only person in the party with him?

I'm just starting to get worried when another name pops up. Good. At least we'll have a full party soon.

Other names start to quickly appear.

Wait... We don't have a healer.

Or a tank.

And he just invited a Samurai.

I'm confused.

[GM]Dave>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> Who's supposed to be tanking?
Leader>> Oh, the WAR/NIN is tanking.
WAR/NIN>> I am?
WAR/NIN>> But I told you I don't tank.
Leader>> Yeah...
Leader>> There are no tanks looking right now.
[GM]Dave>> Then shouldn't we wait for one to show up?
Leader>> Don't worry.
Leader>> This will work.

Note: If someone ever tells you not to worry, it means you should worry.

If there was actually nothing to worry about, they wouldn't have to say it.

[GM]Dave>> So did you find a heal...
[GM]Dave>> Why did you invite a Dark Knight?
Leader>> He's the only one lfg.
[GM]Dave>> Well, that's a perfectly good reason.
[GM]Dave>> We're all going to die because you're impatient.
Leader>> We're not going to die.
Leader>> This is going to work.

Note: If someone ever has to tell you "this will work" more than once, it's not going to work.

If it was going to work, you wouldn't have to say it.

[GM]Dave>> Who's going to heal then?
[GM]Dave>> Did you find a Thief with a White Mage sub?
Leader>> Actually...
Leader>> Could you main heal?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm a Black Mage.
[GM]Dave>> Black Mages don't heal.
[GM]Dave>> We do the opposite of heal.
[GM]Dave>> We are main UNhealers.
Leader>> There's no healers looking.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> We're all going to die.

Still, if things go bad, I've always got Escape so I can get everyone out.

OR I have warp which will get me out and leave those other people to die.

We'll see what kind of mood I'm in.

Just as we're about to go in, our "tank" sends me a tell.

WAR/NIN>> I'm going to be destroyed. TT

I should probably give him some words of encouragement.

[GM]Dave>> Yeah, probably.

Whoops. Looks like I'm fresh out of encouragement.

Well, damn.

Still, the lure of fresh exp drawing us forward, we hurried into Crawler's Nest to try out this "unorthodox" party configuration.

Exactly three minutes later, we're outside again. One guy is dead, we're all beat to hell, and I just barely managed to get us out of there in one piece.

I accidentally clicked on Escape instead of Warp.

It was perfectly obvious to everyone that this was not going to work. There was just no way that this party was going to succeed.

Leader>> So...
Leader>> Ready to try again?

Well, perfectly obvious to everyone but Captain Optimism over there.

He runs headlong back into CN shouting battle cries, trying to get us going.

And he did get us going.

In the other direction.

Optimism is a great thing, people. It is optimism that drives us to try new things and find new ideas.

Be careful that you don't confuse optimism with delusions.

Optimism allows you to take an uncharted course.

Delusions allow you to take a party into a deep, dark cave and let them get eaten.

See the difference?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

When Good People Go Bad - Vol. 2


Oh, shut up. I can make up words if I want to.

Don't be so melochromatic.

See? Making up words is fun.

Anyway, as if to add emphasis to this week's theme, it seems the higher ups decided to bring the hammer down on some bad, bad people.

3,300 people woke up this morning, tried to log in, and found their precious accounts were now so much digital ruin. Everything they had worked for and spent time on had been blinked out of existance.

Isn't it beautiful?

Now, you're probably asking yourself what this has to do with good people.

Even though it is blatantly clear that third party software is a violation of the ToS, not everyone who uses these programs is a bad person.

Some of them are quite intelligent, quite rational people, I'm sure. They no doubt have only the best of intentions when they use such programs.

You're only using windower so that you can continue your cancer research.

You're only using FleeTool so you can devote more time to your children.

You're only using an AH bot because...

Well... Because you're an asshole.

Despite these noble reasons, the subject comes down to one simple fact.


There is something about third party software that just turns intelligent, thinking people into idiots.

You know better than yo use them.

You know it's wrong.

And yet, you use them because you know that it doesn't count for you because you're not using them "in a bad way".

I can't tell you the number of times a player, who seemed completely normal, ended up using illegal software for some idiotic reason.

Let's do a little reasoning, okay?

You're playing a game. You like playing the game. The game is fun.

You want to have the best character possible. You like your character.

In order to make your character better, you use programs that you know can get your character taken away from you.

That doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense now, does it?

Player>> Hey! I've got umpteen billion gil!
Player>> Hey! I'm awesome!
Player>> Hey! I'm in Mordion Gaol!
Player>> Hey! I'm banned!
Player>> ... Crap.

There is not a single player in this game who can honestly try to plead ignorance on the facts. You can't go to any serious FFXI forum and not get assailed with posts about how wrong it is to use bots and third party software.

This is not news!

You know it's wrong. You can rationalize it all you want, but in the back of your mind, you know you shouldn't be using those programs.

Well, guess what? 3,300 people today found out that their rationalization ain't worth shit.

Let me tell you about one guy today. He was actually a pretty good guy. I had partied with him before and he seemed to be a fairly intelligent guy.

And yet, there he was on the list. Apparently, in between bouts of intelligence, he likes to use FleeTool.

I would have been shocked if I still had any faith in humanity.

He was still playing when the list of bannings came down. Rather than simply banning his account, I unfortunately had to speak with him face to face on the matter.

Who am I kidding? I love doing that.

To start things off on the right note, I warped him directly to Mordion Gaol.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I've got some good news and some bad news.
Player>> What's the bad news?
[GM]Dave>> You're getting banned.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> HELL NO!
Player>> What's the good news?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say good news?
[GM]Dave>> I meant bad news.
[GM]Dave>> I've got some bad news and some bad news.
Player>> You can't ban me.
Player>> You can't!
[GM]Dave>> Listen... I don't like it any more than you do.
[GM]Dave>> Wait... That's not true.
[GM]Dave>> It doesn't really bother me either way.
[GM]Dave>> I don't care about it any more than you do.
Player>> But I didn't do anything wrong!
[GM]Dave>> I beg to differ.
[GM]Dave>> You were caught using FleeTool to move faster.
Player>> But that doesn't count!
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, this is going to be good.
[GM]Dave>> How does that not count?
Player>> I didn't use it to cheat.
Player>> I was just running from place to place.
[GM]Dave>> Can you define the word ' cheat' for me?
Player>> That means breaking the rules.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> Is there a rule about using other programs like FleeTool?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> What does it say?
Player>> That they're not allowed.
[GM]Dave>> So, it's a rule that they're not allowed.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I suppose so.
[GM]Dave>> Did you use FleeTool?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> How are you not putting this together in your head?
[GM]Dave>> Were you dropped as a child?
Player>> But that's not cheating!
Player>> I didn't cheat!
[GM]Dave>> You broke a rule.
[GM]Dave>> That's the definition of cheating.
Player>> It's different.
Player>> I didn't use it to do anything bad.
[GM]Dave>> Well, there was your first mistake.
[GM]Dave>> You're getting banned anyway.
[GM]Dave>> You should at least have had some fun doing it.
Player>> I'm not a cheater.
[GM]Dave>> My friend, Mr. Dictionary, disagrees with you.
[GM]Dave>> Hold on... Wait...
[GM]Dave>> He also says you're retarded.
Player>> This is ridiculous!
Player>> Can't you just punish me or something?
[GM]Dave>> I think the banning does that nicely.
Player>> No. Some other punishment.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> I suppose we could do that.


I warped him to Lower Jeuno in front of the auction house.

What is this? Is [GM]Dave getting soft?

You should know better than that.

Player>> Okay, what's my punishment?
[GM]Dave>> Already taken care of.
Player>> Really?!
Player>> What was it?
[GM]Dave>> You'll see.
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead. You can go.

He was no doubt laughing to himself as he ran away.

Well... Walked away.

Actually... He was barely moving.

Player>> What's going on?!
[GM]Dave>> I thought the punishment should fit the crime.
[GM]Dave>> So I lowered your movement speed.
Player>> Lowered it how much?
[GM]Dave>> You probably don't want to know.
[GM]Dave>> By the way, you should probably hurry.
[GM]Dave>> At this rate you'll make it to the moghouses in about a week.
Player>> This'll make it impossible to play.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... About that...
[GM]Dave>> I've got some good news and some bad news...

Guys, no matter what you think, no matter how you slice it, it all comes out the same.

It's wrong.

I'm sure you're all good people. I'm sure you're all special flowers in the garden of life.

That doesn't really mean anything to me.

We just banned 3,300 special flowers. One more isn't going to kill us.

Monday, September 25, 2006

When Good People Go Bad - Vol. 1

Okay, fan week is upon us again. I'm hard at work preparing a fan club giftpack.

Well... Actually I'm leveling Bonecraft, but I'm thinking about it.

I'm totally thinking about it.

This week, I thought it would be fun to look at somebody other than the random, nameless n00bs that haunt us all.

Instead, this week will be dedicated to those times when even normal players turn in complete morons.

We've all been there. You've just done something so horribly, horribly stupid that your mind folds in upon itself and refuses to accept what has just happened. You cannot even accept that it is all your fault.

Let us see the best players at their worst times.

Thus, I give you...

When The Good Go Bad - Volume 1

Now, I want to make sure that you all understand this. I am going to try and be very clear so that everyone can comprehend what I am saying.


It is not, I repeat, it is not my fault that you have done something so horribly retarded that it costs you a huge amount of gil.

It really isn't.

It only takes one person to be retarded.

That would be you.

And yet, we get countless GM calls everyday where people have done something so monumentally retarded that they feel it must be an emergency.

You know there's a ranged attack.

It's labelled "Ranged Attack".

One would assume that anything you have equipped in the ammo slot will be used to attack an enemy at a distance. They are at a range away and you wish to attack them.

That's why you hit the Ranged Attack button.

So now, you've just thrown away your Hedgehog Bomb...

Does that suck? Of course it does.

You just threw away three million gil (give or take) so that you could claim that Goobue that drops maybe five thousand gil worth of items.

Five thousand if you're lucky.

Yes, I would define that as sucking.

Is it a problem? Probably.

There are very few people in the game who could just laugh off a three million dollar loss.

Well... a 2,995,000 gil loss.

Is it worth making a GM call? Hell no.

You pushed a button that might as well have been marked "throw my shit away". And guess what happened?

You threw your shit away.

I have no idea why people insist on making GM calls about this. You did something very stupid and you got hit with a stupid tax.

A stupid tax of three million gil give or take.

But some people just have to bitch and whine, and beg me to fix it.

Or worse yet, tell me to fix it.

This morning, I was doing my usual Jack Daniels/crafting session, when a GM call popped up.

GM Call Description: Threw my Hedgehog Bomb. Help.

Damn, not again.

I feel for the guy, I really do, but this shit is getting old.

Actually... it got old quite some time ago.

Still, it is my job to help these customers. I'd better head right in and do the best I can to make sure all of his needs are bei...

Dammit. I almost got through that without laughing.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you do not value money.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> You just threw away a three million gil item.
[GM]Dave>> That suggests you do not understand money.
Player>> It was an accident.
Player>> I didn't want to throw it.
[GM]Dave>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you click on the "throw" command?
Player>> It was an accident.
Player>> I already said that.
[GM]Dave>> Did you not understand the button?
Player>> I understood the button.
[GM]Dave>> Did you not understand the function of the ammo slot?
Player>> That's not it.
Player>> I didn't mean to throw it.
[GM]Dave>> But you clicked on the Ranged Attack button.
[GM]Dave>> What did you think was going to happen?
[GM]Dave>> You'd yell criticisms from a safe distance?
Player>> Dammit!
Player>> IT
Player>> WAS
Player>> AN
Player>> ACCIDENT!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. What?
[GM]Dave>> I didn't quite get that.
Player>> Just fix it.
Player>> You shouldn't be able to throw them anyway.
[GM]Dave>> You shouldn't be able to throw...
[GM]Dave>> The thing you put in your ranged ammo slot...
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Do you know the worst part?
[GM]Dave>> If I killed you, I'd be the criminal.
Player>> Just fix it.
Player>> Now.
[GM]Dave>> No problem, sir.
[GM]Dave>> First, though, I'm required to give you a tutorial.
Player>> A tutorial?!
Player>> On what?!
[GM]Dave>> Let's see... Where did I put that manual?
[GM]Dave>> Here it is...
[GM]Dave>> "How not to be a gigantic retard."
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Whoops. That's the subtitle.
[GM]Dave>> "The Ranged Attack Command and You."
Player>> I don't want to do a tutorial.
[GM]Dave>> Then I can't help you, sir.

That's it. Dangle the treat in front of them.

Dangle, dangle, dangle.

Player>> FINE.
Player>> Let's get this over with.
[GM]Dave>> No problem, sir.


Player>> Where are we?!
[GM]Dave>> Mordion Gaol.
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> I guess...

[GM]Dave uses a Ranged Attack.
Player takes 1 point of damage.

Player>> What the hell was that?!
[GM]Dave>> That was a pebble.
Player>> Why are you throwing pebbles?
[GM]Dave>> This is the tutorial.
[GM]Dave>> It teaches proper respect for the Ranged Attack button...
[GM]Dave>> By having you stoned to death using pebbles.

[GM]Dave uses a Ranged Attack.
Player takes 1 point of damage.

[GM]Dave>> This is going to take a while.
[GM]Dave>> I hope you don't have plans.
Player>> Stop that!
Player>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Don't worry.
[GM]Dave>> This'll only take a week or two.

That's when he logged out. He no doubt went to serious re-evaluate his life goals.

Or to cry on his Inuyasha dolls.

As long as he learned his lesson.

Sunday, September 24, 2006


The past few days have been an absolute nightmare at work.

It seems that there has been some form of network issue that brought the entire GM call system crashing to its knees.

We could still log into our GM characters as normal, but we couldn't receive any GM calls.

You can't imagine how terrible it has been.




Man, the past few days have been a blast.

Imagine someone gave you near limitless power in the game, but you had to pay the terrible price of having to deal with retards.

Now, imagine you suddenly didn't have to deal with anyone.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Our supervisors came in, their brows furrowed in concern. They explained the situation in quiet, stressed tones and then quickly left the room.

You'd have thought it was New Year's Eve in Time Square. People were screaming and throwing papers. Everywhere there was merriment.

I think there was a pinata. I don't know why someone would have had a pinata on stand-by for just such an occasion, but candy's candy.

Then someone came up with an idea.

No, it was more than an idea.

It was an epiphany.

We all logged into one server and ran a GM-only Dynamis-Xarcabard.

It was insane. Mobs that could have wiped entire alliances of regular players were getting one-shotted. I personally handed the Dynamis Lord his ass.

We must have farmed up a few thousand in ancient currency and I don't even know how many pieces of AFB gear.

And then, do you know what we did with all of the items?

We threw them away.

Four people just died reading that sentence. They had a heart attack and died.

I have to admit, I had a lot of fun hanging out with the other GMs. As much as I hate other people, they are the least "people" group that I've ever met.

Unfortunately, we forgot to invite some of the tech guys. They actually went to work and got the system working again.


It's cool, though. We made plans to play a huge game of hide-and-seek next time this happens.

Which should be pretty soon.

At least, if me and this electromagnet have anything to say about it.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Wrong Trees and Barking

Why does everyone come to me with their problems?

Now, I don't mean their emergencies. Of course they come to me with their emergencies. That's literally what the GM Call function is intended for.

You have an emergency, you call me. That's cool.

It's your freaking "problems" that I don't want to hear about.

This is a Final Fantasy XI forum. A good one at that. You can go here to tell people about your problems.

This is the official Service and Support page for Final Fantasy XI. They can help you with all sorts of technical and account issues.

This is where you should go if you are too damned retarded to figure out the difference between these two places and the help desk in FFXI.

I am not here to listen to everything you don't like. I'm not hear to listen to you whine and bitch about being unhappy.

If you can not determine the difference between a "problem" and an emergency, then it's a "problem".

And by "problem", I mean leave me the hell alone.

You'll know when it's a freakin' emergency.

Let's look at some of the GM calls I get in the run of a normal day.

GM Call Description: Fell through boards in Newton Movalpolos. Stuck.

This is an emergency. This is something that should be fixed immediately and something that you can't fix yourself.

This is a good call.

GM Call Description: Having trouble beating Promyvions.

This is not an emergency. This is a "problem". This is something that doesn't need fixing and something you should handle yourself.

This is a bad call.

GM Call Description: Item stuck in Bazaar. Won't come out.


GM Call Description: Can't skill up SMNing skill.

Not an emergency.

GM Call Description: Quest NPC missing.

Might be an emergency.

GM Call Description: Fix the economy.

Definitely not an emergency.

Actually... I have no idea what in the hell this is.

I don't think it even qualifies as a suggestion.

Why in the hell do people call me with their suggestions?

I'm not running a radio call in show. I don't want to know or care about your opinions.

I'm here to help people with serious problems.


You don't have serious problems.

Wait... You do have serious problems.

But not game-related problems.

And, as I have not yet received a degree in psychiatry, I'm not really qualified to help you with your other problems.

Seriously, people. There are countless FFXI forums where you can go and ask silly questions and make your retarded suggestions.

The good players on these forums may even take pity on you and help you out.

I don't take pity on people.

I'd have to actually care about people to pity them.

Yeah... That ain't happening.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Bought Accounts

I'm pretty sure I've made my feelings about buying accounts very clear.

But I've always hated it from a theoretical perspective. Much like existentialism or gender equality, I always considered it as a theoretical idea with no bearing on me.

Man, did that change last night.

After my bout with what was no doubt the Black Plague, I found myself revitalized and feeling good about the world.

It was oddly unsettling.

Given my daily routine of dealing with:

a) retarded players

b) random morons in "the real world"

c) my crazy, hormonal baby mama

I am not used to be in a good mood. Usually, I'm smashing my head against a wall and praying for death.

Actually... I usually pray for everyone else to die. Why should I be punished?

I instantly decided that I had to do something to get rid of this "good" feeling.

What could I do to put me in a bad mood?

So, I'm in Crawler's Nest...

For those of you who either don't play FFXI or are too low level to have been inside Crawler's Nest, it's basically a dank, dark tunnel filled with things that want to tear your face off.

If they so much as hear you, they will gather up a group of their friends and play wiffle ball with your corpse.

Doesn't this sound like a great place to entrust your life to five people you don't even know?

I was lfg on my Black Mage in Jeuno, checking prices on crafting materials, when I got a tell from someone.

Player>> (( Crawler's Nest )) (( Party )) ((Do you need it? ))

For those of you unfamiliar with Auto-translatese, this says:

Player>> Would you like to party in Crawler's Nest?

Immediately, my heart sank as visions of my grisly demise rushed before my eyes.

That had taken care of the good mood alright, but it might have come back.

Dammit, I wasn't taking any chances.

[GM]Dave>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> On my way.

I grabbed a chocobo in Lower Jeuno (Yes, a real chocobo, not some sick, coma-bound tamagotchi) and set out.

As soon as I joined the party, I could tell this was going to be bad. It's kind of disheartening to actually listen to your new teammates die horribly when you're still on your way there.

Yeah, I don't think I'll have to worry about that good mood coming back after this.

A passing White Mage had raised the whole party by the time I arrived, so we just had to wait for their weakness to wear off and we'd be good.

Still, my hand was poised over my warp macro.

Yes, I know I have Escape, as well. Why should I save those guys? That shit costs MP.

While we waited, it became raadily apparent that one of our members seemed to be having some problems.

Puller>> What happened?
Leader>> You pulled a link.
Leader>> Then two beetles kicked our asses.
Puller>> What's a link?

Red flag.

How in the hell does a Thief make it to this level and not know what a link is?

There are two things a Thief does:

1) pull mobs for the party

2) stand there while you use them as a Treasure Hunter whore

There's no way a Thief could make it to this point without encountering a link. It just doesn't happen.

Still, I give him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe he's just retarded.

Their sicknesses wore off, so we rested to full health and went to work.

Things went quite well for a while.

Operative words: for a while.

Suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, the Thief pulls another link. The two beetles were nowhere near each other, but he still somehow managed to bring two homicidal bugs back to camp.

I, of course, start sleeping the link so we can survive or get the hell out of there.

That's when I see Linko, the boy wonder, hitting the second beetle.

Puller>> What?
Puller>> I'm killing the second beetle.
[GM]Dave>> I'm trying to sleep them, you retard!
Puller>> So?
[GM]Dave>> It's kind of hard when you keep waking it up.
[GM]Dave>> Stop hitting the damned thing.
Puller>> Whoops.
Puller>> Had no idea.

Okay, a retarded eight-year-old could tell you that things wake up when you hit them.

Anyone who has played FFXI for any serious amount of time understands the premise of sleeping linked enemies. Noone touches the second mob or everyone ends up eating a handful of dirt.

And thanks to Captain Tardo, our entire party was now face down and considering throwing our computers out the nearest window.

Right then, it hit me. He had to have bought this account. No one, no matter how retarded, could play Thief for this long and not grasp even the most basic of ideas.

Yeah, he had definitely bought the account.

That or he was some new breed of super-retard.

Either way, he was getting fed to a dragon.

I made some quick excuse about being narcoleptic and logged out.

Then, I quickly logged in on my GM account.

I warped the other four players back to their Homepoints and warped the Thief to Mordion Gaol.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you suffered a serious blow to the head.
Puller>> No.
Puller>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
[GM]Dave>> Damn
[GM]Dave>> It's worse than I thought.
[GM]Dave>> Do you know what year it is?
Puller>> What are you talking about?
Puller>> I don't have amnesia.
[GM]Dave>> Whoops.
[GM]Dave>> You must be retarded then.
[GM]Dave>> Wait... I shouldn't call you retarded if you're actually retarded.
[GM]Dave>> What's the right term...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, screw that. You're retarded.
[GM]Dave>> It's not like you'd know the difference.
Puller>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Fine, fine.
[GM]Dave>> Differently abled.
[GM]Dave>> Okay then...
[GM]Dave>> Could you do me a favor then?
Puller>> What?
[GM]Dave>> What city did you start in?
Puller>> What does that matter?
[GM]Dave>> It's just a question.
[GM]Dave>> Which city?
Puller>> I have no idea.
Puller>> I don't remember.

Saying you don't know what city you started in in FFXI is like saying you don't remember what your home town was called.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[GM]Dave>> Did you buy this account, sir?
Puller>> ... No.

[GM]Dave starts casting Fire on Puller's pants.

Puller>> What are you...?!
Puller>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Just tell me the truth.
Puller>> I'm telling you the truth!

[GM]Dave starts casting Fire II on Puller's pants.

[GM]Dave>> It's your choice really.
[GM]Dave>> If you tell the truth, I'll let you go with a warning.

[GM]Dave starts casting Fire III on Puller's pants.

Puller>> OKAY! OKAY!
Puller>> Please stop!
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead.
Puller>> I bought this account.
[GM]Dave>> There.
[GM]Dave>> Doesn't that feel better?
Puller>> Yeah, a little.
Puller>> Is that warning going to affect my game?
[GM]Dave>> I doubt it.

Jormungand hits Puller for 14,981 points of damage.
Puller was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I know.
[GM]Dave>> Don't trust GMs.
[GM]Dave>> How's that?

Buying an account doesn't make you a bad person. It really doesn't.

You're a bad person before you buy the account.

Buying the account just makes you retarded.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Damnedable Immune System - Vol. 2


It seems that I am, yet again, sick. I have caught some form of virus that has vowed to destroy me.

Someone remind me to install Norton on myself after this is over.

I don't know why this happens to me. You guys know that I'm a good person and all.

Stop laughing.

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling like crap.

Actually... I didn't wake up. Susan woke up and then gently reached over and yanked my eyelid open.

If she were not carrying the heir to my kingdom, I might have to push her down some stairs.

Apparently, my illness was readily obvious. Seeing me at death's door, tenuously clutching to life, Susan immediately took on a more nurturing role.

Susan>> Damn.
Susan>> You look like refried ass.

I said more nurturing. It really wouldn't be hard to go out from her usual demeanor.

I was actually surprised she didn't just poke me with a stick.

[GM]Dave>> You're so sweet to me.
Susan>> You're sick.
[GM]Dave>> Well, aren't you smart?
[GM]Dave>> All that fancy book learning paid off.
Susan>> Get out of bed!
[GM]Dave>> You get out of bed.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to lie here and die.
Susan>> You have to get up.
Susan>> You're going to get me sick.
[GM]Dave>> Boo-frickin'-hoo.
Susan>> I can't get sick.
Susan>> It could hurt the baby.
[GM]Dave>> You know what would hurt the baby?
Susan>> What?
[GM]Dave>> A flight of stairs.
[GM]Dave>> Leave me alone.
Susan>> Go on. Get up.
Susan>> Go into work or something.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not going to work.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sick.
[GM]Dave>> Call in and tell them I died.
Susan>> I'm not going to lie.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. Wait ten minutes.
[GM]Dave>> Then call in and tell them I died.
[GM]Dave>> It'll be true by then.
Susan>> You're such a big baby.
Susan>> You've got the sniffles.
Susan>> You look fine.
[GM]Dave>> You said I like like, and I quote, "refried ass".
[GM]Dave>> I don't think there's anyway that could be good.
Susan>> Just go away!
Susan>> The baby'll get sick.
[GM]Dave>> How is the baby going to get sick?
[GM]Dave>> I really don't plan on coughing on your uterus.
Susan>> I don't care.
Susan>> Just go somewhere else.
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just die on the couch then.
Susan>> Not there either.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Do you want me to slap you?
[GM]Dave>> I don't want to, but you're leaving me no option.
Susan>> You can't lie on the couch.
[GM]Dave>> Why the hell not?
Susan>> I want to watch TV later.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> How hard could it be to hide a body?
Susan>> I need to lie down for the baby.
[GM]Dave>> The baby.
[GM]Dave>> You're using that as an excuse.
Susan>> I AM NOT!
Susan>> That's terrible.
[GM]Dave>> Yesterday, you made me get you a sandwich.
[GM]Dave>> For the baby.
Susan>> ... Yeah.
Susan>> That one was a lie.
[GM]Dave>> Shocker.
Susan>> Just go die somewhere quietly.
[GM]Dave>> I hate you.

So, I had to spend the whole day sitting at my computer, trying not to pass out or vomit.

On the bright side, Bonecrafting 60!


You have to have priorities.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

We'll Look Into The Matter...

We get a lot flack for the way we handle GM reports.

No, not just the reports where people get fed to a dragon. Normal reports.

Well... For me, someone getting fed to a dragon is a normal report, but you know what I'm getting at.

See, we're kind of bound by certain rules that determine how we have to react to any given situation.

Well... Most GMs are bound by those rules. I'm not a rule kind of guy.

Let's just say that all of the above rules apply to every GM except me.

These rules, however, create a bit of friction between the GM staff and the player base.

Players always expect us to just jump up and go ban whoever in the hell is annoying them. They can't be bothered to wait for such trivial things as investigations.

Or evidence.

I'm here today to convey a message from the GM staff to you.

Stop whining, you impatient bitches!

I'm paraphrasing.

If you made a call to the police over every little thing, do you think they'd show up right away with their sirens blaring?

Hell, no.

They'd tell you they'll look into it and maybe, just maybe, investigate it if they have the time.

When we tell you "we'll look into the matter," that means exactly that. We'll look into it.

It doesn't mean screw you.

It doesn't mean we don't care.

We don't care, but that's not why we say that.

We say that because IT'S OUR FREAKIN' JOB!!!

We tell you we're going to investigate the matter further and then we go and investigate the matter further.

These investigations may not lead to a suspension or a banning for several reasons:

a) insufficient evidence keeps us from making a definite judgement in a complex case

b) many transgressions warrant a warning, not an all out ban

c) we're too freakin' busy investigating reports written by every moron who is too stupid to know how the game works.

Yeah, sure. You're positive that guy over there is a gil seller.

He has bad gear.

He's higher in level than you.

He doesn't speak english.

Hell, let's just skip the investigation and shoot the guy in the middle of the street.

But you know what? We kind of have to have proof of that shit before we send our special forces team to his house to whack the guy.

I know it gets frustrating to make a GM call in a fit of rage only to hear "we'll look into the matter." Unfortunately, we do occasionally like to look through the logs to see just which one of you is actually retarded.

It's kind of like flipping a coin. One of you is bound to be retarded. We just like to figure out which one first.

Let's look at a situation, shall we?

GM Call Description: Cheated by a casino.

Now, this kind of thing happens all the time. There's an old saying: "A fool and his money are soon parted."

And damn if there aren't a few fools born every day in Vana'diel.

But which one is the idiot here?

Did the casino actually rip the guy off when he won?

Or is a sore loser accusing a casino of cheating just because he lost?

These are the kind of things a GM has to grapple with in order to make those hard decisions.

Most GMs work really hard to make the right decision in these kinds of situations.

Honestly, it's not a hard decision for me.

I just ban everybody and let WoW sort them out.

Ban the casino, ban the player, and then ban everyone in a six foot radius just to be safe.

Seriously, guys. GMs are working their hardest to make the game better for everyone. These guys work day and night to make Vana'diel a better place.

Well... most of the GMs.

I might help you if I'm not too busy drinking.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Beastmasters Are People, Too

Okay, I know that a party is a great thing. You're all together, fighting monsters for the good of society.

I'm all for that.

And I know it can get a little frustrating when a certain spot is overcamped and your party is slowing down. The exp slows down and maybe you won't hit that level before you have to log out.

That sucks.

But that doesn't mean the parties next to you are doing anything wrong, does it?

No, you're all just after the same goal. Given the limited number of monsters to fight at times, you have to expect this.

Most players do.

Most players don't make GM calls when an area is a little too crowded.

But if it's a Beastmaster that's making it hard for you to pull, suddenly it's a capital offense.

Guys, Beastmasters have to kill things, too. Yeah, I know they have to take an extra mob as a pet most times, but that's just the way it is.

That does not mean they don't have a right to be somewhere.

That does not mean they are cheating.

That does not mean it's okay to MPK them and their whole family.

At least once a week, I get a call from some psychopath that not only KILLED a Beastmaster, but then makes a GM call to report THE BEASTMASTER for cheating.

And then they think I'm going to be on their side.

Words fail me.

I was at work this morning, minding my own business and having a conversation with my good friend Jack, when I heard that sharp, annoying harbinger of stupidity...


Yay. A GM call...

You know how I love those.

GM Call Description: Beastmaster cheating. Help.

Quick and to the point. Nice.

Wouldn't want any details getting in the way of the retardation.

Still, I feel it is my duty to make sure that this customer feels appreciated by the GM staff.

And should he get eaten by a dragon...

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand someone is cheating.
Player>> Yeah, there was a BST here.
Player>> He kept stealing our exp mobs.
[GM]Dave>> How exactly does a BST steal your mobs?
Player>> He kept taking them for pets.
Player>> And then he'd kill the rest.
[GM]Dave>> That's the basic premise of BST.
[GM]Dave>> Actually, that's a pretty good guide there.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you head over to Alla and write that up?
Player>> But he killed all our exp mobs.
[GM]Dave>> Wow.
[GM]Dave>> Sucks to be you guys.
Player>> But it's not fair.
Player>> He can kill them faster than us.
[GM]Dave>> That's not cheating.
[GM]Dave>> That's you guys sucking.
Player>> But he has a pet to help him.
[GM]Dave>> You have five other people with you.
[GM]Dave>> I swear this is getting more retarded by the second.
[GM]Dave>> There's no problem here.
Player>> Oh, no.
Player>> Not anymore.
[GM]Dave>> Sigh...
[GM]Dave>> Should I even ask?
Player>> We killed all of his pets and watched him die.
Player>> That'll teach him to steal our mobs.
[GM]Dave>> Technically, they're not your mobs.
Player>> Yeah, yeah.
Player>> They belong to anyone.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> That's retarded.
[GM]Dave>> They belong to me.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> And since you admitted to taking my mobs...
[GM]Dave>> I'll just call a GM.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Uh oh. He doesn't seem too happy.
Player>> Can I talk to him please?
[GM]Dave>> No problem.


Player>> Why am I in jail?
[GM]Dave>> You wanted to speak to them GM.
Player>> Oh. Yeah.
Player>> Where is he?

[GM]Jormungand hits Player for 23,845 points of damage.
Player was defeated by [GM]Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> Tough, but fair.

Beastmasters have to level up, too. Yeah, they may not make it easy for you sometimes, but that's not really their job, now is it?

Remember: I've got a pet, too. And you don't want to see me use the Release pet command.

Play nice, people.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Okay, today my mind was officially destroyed. Any semblance of rational thought is forever tainted by the weirdness that I saw today.

I was out shopping today. We had run out of certain luxeries (such as food) and I was forced to go out into the world and interact with other human beings.

Now, I'm not going to mention the name of the store I was in. I'll just give you a hint.

The name of the store began with a W.

And it rhymed with Wal-mart.

You'll never crack that code

Anyway, I had wandered into the Halloween aisle and on one of the displays there was a five foot skeleton. A five foot skeleton dressed as a pirate.

This, in and of itself, was not terribly odd. Given this year's pirate craze, it was almost normal.

Then someone walking by hit a button on the skeleton.

And he started to sing.

Okay... A singing skeleton. I guess some people might find that amusing. Still not terribly odd.

What did he sing? A sea shanty? A sailor's tune?


He was singing "Low Rider".

Yes, as in "All my friends know the low rider."

That was when my brain imploded. All rational thought broke down as I tried to comprehend a new dimension of random insanity.

Who would buy this thing?

Better yet, who would design this thing?

The fact that any human being could create such a thing and then put it on the market makes me seriously doubt both their company and the IQ of the general populace.

I literally stood there for five minutes trying to comprehend it.

My entire faith in humanity (as it was) was so damaged that I simply could not interact with another person in the store.

I laid everything on the floor, turned, walked straight out the door, and drove right home.

Later, when my mental stability (as it was) had been restored, I reflected that leaving so qucikly was probably not the best way to handle the situation.

Especially considering Susan was somewhere else in the store at the time.

I hope she had cab fare.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

[GM]Dave: Masochist

Masochism: (noun) A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

So, I was in Valkurm Dunes...

Yes. I willingly chose to return to the land that skill forgot.

I have no idea what possessed me to do such a thing. I had stopped leveling Black Mage a long time ago because my White Mage sub was only level 17.

I had stopped leveling White Mage because the average Dunes party is composed primarily of mouth-breathing retards who don't play so much as just chew on their keyboards.

Unfortunately, I was struck by the urge to level Black Mage again. This necessitatedme going back to level White Mage.

How bad could it be, right? I only needed to grab a quick three levels. Maybe only two.

How bad could it be?

Anyone who has played FFXI for more than a week already knows the answer to that question.

For those of you who haven't, I want you to take a ballpeen hammer and smash yourself in the forehead.

How bad could it be?

Now, I've been sticking mostly to melee jobs lately. There's just something so right about beating something to death.

Leveling melee jobs is great. It really gets you used to hours and hours waiting for a party. Sometimes it could take days to get a decent party.

I log in and switch to White Mage. Now, I'll just set myself to seek party.

Huh... An invite already... And my party flag isn't even up yet.

All you mages can kiss my ass.

I accept the invite and make my way to Valkurm. Just zoning into the area makes my skin crawl.

Seriously, if you've never had the experience of a Dunes party, you just can't understand the power this place can have.

I went to a beach once this summer. Just seeing all that sand, I passed out and started to convulse. A passerby told me I was groaning and mumbling "The Red Mage is tanking, the Red Mage is tanking."


Anyway, I made my way to camp and right away something was wrong. I could feel it. Something was wrong.

Why were they all wearing level 10 gear?

[GM]Dave>> What level are you guys?
Leader>> Most of us are level 12.
Leader>> The Thief is level 10.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Why in the hell did you invite me?
[GM]Dave>> I'm level 17.
Leader>> What's the difference?
[GM]Dave>> Well, one of us is 17.
[GM]Dave>> And one of us is level retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Guess which one you are.

I disband party and put my flag up.I knew an invite that quick was too good to be true.

That's when I got another invite.

I'd had my flag up for less than sixty seconds.

I really hate mages.

Just to be sure, I do a quick search for the party leader. Ah, he's level 18. Good.

A quick map check and I'm on my way to camp number two.Luckily, they weren't far. Just over the rise and...

Why was the Warrior using a scythe?

[GM]Dave>> Why are you using a scythe?
Warrior>> Oh, I'm going to be a Dark Knight.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And...
Warrior>> I want to raise my skill.
[GM]Dave>> You realize that's pointless, right?
[GM]Dave>> And that you're doing less damage?
[GM]Dave>> And that you're possibly retarded?
Warrior>> I'll use whatever weapon I want.
Warrior>> Besides, it looks cool.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Why do I do these things to myself?

I decide to let it slide. There's obviously no way I'm going to get it through his thick skull and I'd just rather get this whole experience over with.

We group together, I fire off a few buff spells, and we're ready to go.

Leader>> Let's try a crab to warm up.
[GM]Dave>> Sounds good.

The warrior provokes and we're off. The melees are lined up in the front, mages in the back. I take that as a good sign.

At this point, my expectations are low.

Unfortunately, the mages are casting random spells and the melees are laying down a dazzling display of misses.

It takes literally everything I've got just to keep them alive.

Against a crab that conned as Tough.

I'm underwhelmed.

Still, we survived. Maybe we can reorganize and...

Warrior>> Yeah, this isn't going to work.
Warrior>> I'm gone.

And then they all just disband. Just up and disband.

I loathe people.

So far, I've had two parties, wasted a fair amount of time and I've made 57 exp.


Let's try this again. Flag up and...

This time it actually takes five minutes. Still not bad considering.

Then I look at the party list.

[GM]Dave>> Why am I leader?
FormerLeader>> Oh...
FormerLeader>> I didn't want to be leader.
[GM]Dave>> Then why the hell did you start a party?
FormerLeader>> I wanted a party.
FormerLeader>> I just really didn't want to be leader.
[GM]Dave>> If you start the party, you're the leader.
[GM]Dave>> If you don't want to lead, don't start parties.
[GM]Dave>> This isn't rocket surgery.
FormerLeader>> I'll try and remember that for my next party.
[GM]Dave>> That shouldn't be hard.

So, I booted him. That "next party" will be a lot sooner than he thought.

I manage to find a replacement and he's on his way to camp when I see it.

Thief>> I'm kind of sleepy.
RedMage>> Yeah, I should go do some work.
BlackMage>> We breaking?
Thief>> Yeah, I guess so.

And they all disband.

Three parties.

A good hour of my life.

57 exp.

At this point, I logout, turn off my computer, disassemble it and put it back in it's boxes.

Maybe I'll take it out when the internet is a little less retarded.

A Quick Note

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Apparently, I was not paying attention when I posted last night. I had started writing that update before I broke my glasses and saved it to publish later.

Then, I forgot to move it, so when I finally posted it, it ended up below the broken glasses update.

I must be getting senile in my old age.

Anyway, yesterday's update was there. It was just hidden down the page a little ways.

We'll call it a special easter egg or something.

Yeah, that makes it sound like I'm slightly less retarded.

Also, while I'm at it, I'd like to thank you guys for putting up with the update schedule lately. Updating each day has never been easy, but I tried never to miss it. Honestly, I enjoy writing these as much as you enjoy reading them.

I didn't like missing so many days and I know some of you were no doubt displeased.

I've got my internet now and I'm all moved in, so theoretically, things should run smoothly from now on. I'll try not to miss an update for a while. If I do, you can rest assured it's for a very good reason.

Like me being drunk or something.

Seriously, thanks for putting up with it.

Being Stupid

I know I talk a lot about people being stupid.

That's because it bothers me.

But usually when I'm talking about stupid people, there is a specific instance or event that leads to them expressing their inate retardation.

Gil buying: stupid.

Gil selling: stupid.

Using the word 'Manthra": stupid.

Beyond these specific instances of mental deficiency, you'll often see more random things that just annoy the hell out of you.

Or, more importantly, annoy the hell out of me.

When I finally got my DSL back (Yes, the light is on finally), I took a little time to level one of my subjobs.

Yes, I know I missed an update last night, but I haven't actually partied since I moved and I was starting to get the shakes.

Our party was fighting Mandies in Yhoator Jungle and, through an unfortunate series of events, a White Lizard got hit and our party wiped.

Now, you're probably thinking I'm going to go on a tirade about my party member who decided it would be fun to hit a Lizard and consequently cause our death.

I'm not.

Maybe tomorrow.

That actually wasn't so bad for me. The guy who did it was a good player and it was just a random accident. Shit happens. I moved on.

But as we lay there, a tangle of limbs and dead faces, we witnessed one of the most random acts of stupidity you'll see in this game.

A player runs past our camp, turns around, stands on our bodies and says...

Player>> There's a lot of death here.


Good job, Captain Observant.

Of course there's a lot of death here. You're standing on top of six dead bodies.

Did you think you were somehow giving us news that we were unaware of?

Did you think maybe we were sitting at our keyboards confused and perplexed by our inability to move?

And then the guy didn't even try to get us a Raise or anything. Any useful purpose he may have had went flying out the window.

Why do people feel the need to say absolutely retarded things?

Sure, it's not as bad as cheating or MPKing or whatever other stupidity people manage to come up with, but you're sure as hell not being helpful.

Well, it had been a while since I'd let Jormy have any real fun, so I quickly logged out of my main account and onto my GM account.

A quick warp to Yhoator and I was ready to go.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're a master of observation.
Player>> Holy shit!
Player>> A GM!
[GM]Dave>> I guess that answers that.
Player>> What do you want?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing really.
[GM]Dave>> We were hoping you might help us with a survey.
Player>> A survey?
Player>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, what's that?
Player>> A mandragora?
[GM]Dave>> Good, good.
[GM]Dave>> And that?
Player>> Oh, that's a lizard.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> Two for two.
Player>> This is really easy.
[GM]Dave>> I thought it might be.
Player>> Is there any kind of reward for this?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you'll get what you deserve.
[GM]Dave>> Last one.
[GM]Dave>> Ready?
Player>> I'm ready.
[GM]Dave>> What's that thing behind you?
Player>> What thing?
[GM]Dave>> Oooohhh, I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> We were looking for "dragon".
[GM]Dave>> "Dragon".
[GM]Dave>> Jormy, tell him what he's won.

Jormungand hits Player for 12,994 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.


[GM]Dave>> He says "There's a lot of death here."


[GM]Dave>> Wait... I misinterpreted.
[GM]Dave>> He says "You're retarded."

Please, people. If you don't have something helpful or constructive to say, just don't say anything.

As a matter of fact, even if you think you have something helpful to say, don't say anything at all.

Just don't speak.

At all.

Thank you.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

[GM]Dave Is Blinded

Bad morning, bad morning, bad morning.

I rolled out of bed at the crack of eleven thirty and was actually pleased to see it was a beautiful day outside.

I'm always happy to see it's a beautiful day outside.

That's because I'm inside.

I sat up and greeted the day with a smile. Then, I turned and jumped out of my bed.

Right onto my glasses.



This is why I'm so angry. Even when I'm minding my own damned business, life comes up and kicks me in the balls.

I was going to be nice today. I can feel it. Today would have been the day when I stopped being evil altogether.

Now, I have to destroy this stupid world.

This stupid, blurry world.

I shook my hand angrily at the undefined blotches of color around me.

[GM]Dave>> DAMN YOU!

I do not handle adversity well.

Susan had gone out a little earlier to do something or other. As it did not pertain to:

a) my computer


c) sex

I really didn't bother to listen.

When she came home, she found me sitting at my keyboard and grumbling angrily at the poor unfortunate moron that had found his way into my (now blurry) line of sight.

Susan>> What are you doing?
[GM]Dave>> I'm punishing yet another idiot.
[GM]Dave>> I must scour them from our servers.
Susan>> Yes, dear. I know that.
Susan>> You put that on your business card.
Susan>> And our answering machine.
[GM]Dave>> It pays to advertise.
Susan>> Or makes me question your sanity.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever.
Susan>> Did you break your glasses?
[GM]Dave>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
Susan>> Yeah, you broke them alright.
[GM]Dave>> What makes you say that?
[GM]Dave>> Maybe I don't need them anymore.
Susan>> Honey... Look at the screen.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, so?
[GM]Dave>> I'm torturing a gil seller.
[GM]Dave>> I do it all the time.
Susan>> Okay...
Susan>> Why are you trying to feed him to Prince Trion?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I thought Jormy was being awfully quiet.

Apparently, while choosing one blurry command from another, I had accidentally spawned Prince Trion in Mordion Gaol instead of Jormungand.

And had tried, for the better part of an hour, to make him eat a gil seller.

On the bright side, the awkward silence made the gil seller log out.

I think he learned his lesson, though.

Now, where in the hell is that "BAN" button?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Sick People

Okay, what the hell is wrong with people?

One of you is going to have to explain this to me.

Why would anyone buy an account?


People will actually pay extra money for a game that someone else has already played for them.


This makes no sense whatsoever.

Would you go to a restaurant and order a meal that someone else had already chewed?

Moron>> This is great.
Moron>> It's already chewed and even partially digested.
Moron>> This saves me lots of trouble.

Why in the name of hell would you want a game that was already half done?

You can just run right down to the store and buy the game NEW and play the whole thing yourself.

Doesn't that sound like more fun?

Right now, there's an account for sale somewhere. I'm not going to tell you where because honestly, I don't want to give this retard more traffic.

The account has eight jobs already at level 75.

And seven more jobs above level 66.

With all the quests and missions done.

Sounds good, right?

Now, this is the part I need explained.

What in the hell would you do with this account?!

Even supposing you didn't get completely screwed over with a fake username or password, you've got nothing left to do.

Moron>> Wow, this is great.
Moron>> I've had the game for six minutes and I'm done.
Moron>> ...
Moron>> I wonder what's on TV.

What is the point of playing a game with the majority of leveling and all of the quests and missions done?

Leveling, quests, and missions...


You're paying hundreds of dollars (and yes, that's the actual price) to buy a game you can't even play.

Congratulations! You're retarded!

And you know the best part? The moron posted links to the sale on all the major forums.

So, now you're buying an account that everyone knows was bought and you'll be hated before you even log in.

Oh, and let's not forget the army of GMs waiting to ban you when you do log in.

I hope it's worth the money.

Here's the entire experience this moron will have once they buy the account.

Moron>> Yay! I won!
Moron>> Boo! My bank account is empty!
Moron>> Yay! The password worked!
Moron>> Boo! I don't know how to play!
Player>> Go away! You're an idiot!
[GM]Dave>> Do you like dragons?
Moron>> Oh noez! I got eated!
Moron>> And now I'm banned!
Moron>> I might as well go back to WoW!

Fun, huh?

I just saved you hundreds of dollars and endless frustration.

If you have that much money to waste, the donate button is on the right near the top of the page.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Oh, The Irony


Okay, this is just getting damned ridiculous. I still don't have internet access at my new place.

You no doubt figured this out from the lack of update yesterday. Also, the aching void in your soul that only my witty writing can assuage.

I really do apologize for the update schedule lately. I've been running from one friend's place to another just to finish the updates that I have been making.

Do you see what I go through for you, my loyal readers?

And poor Susan...

She's right now curled up at home in the fetal position, sucking on her thumb, and mumbling "noconnectionnoconnectionnoconnection".

I went to hook up my brand new modem last night. After all that wait and the annoying delays, I finally held my internet package in my hands.

I was in ecstacy.

That's "in". Not "on".

I ventured into the tangled maze of cables and power bars that lays behind my computer desk, and managed to hook it up.

That was hard. Yellow cord goes to the yellow square on my modem. Blue cord, blue square.

I would have been lost if they hadn't included an installation CD with flash movies showing how to hook it up.

Yes. They actually included a CD.

A retarded monkey could have put this together with minimal effort. Even if he was colorblind, I'm pretty sure he could figure out that the ethernet cable went in the port marked ethernet.

I weep for society that some of our members make this CD necessary.

I can only imagine these cromagnon people trying to use their computer.

TechSupport>> Can I help you?
Customer>> Yes. My computer isn't on.
Customer>> Fix it.
TechSupport>> Okay. You mean it's not turning on?
Customer>> It's not on.
TechSupport>> Yes, sir. Have you tried turning it on?
Customer>> But it's not on right now.
TechSupport>> I gathered.
TechSupport>> Try turning it on.
Customer>> Is there a manual for that?
Customer>> Maybe a CD with pretty pictures?
TechSupport>> We sent you a CD, sir.
Customer>> Yeah, but it didn't work.
TechSupport>> What do you mean?
Customer>> I put it in my car's CD player, but it didn't work.
Customer>> Sounded terrible.
TechSupport>> You need to put the CD in your computer.
Customer>> But it's not on right now.
TechSupport>> *gunshot*

Anyway, I go through the all the trouble of hooking up the modem, but the DSL light doesn't come on.

I check the phoneline. Working.

Check the modem. Working.

Great. So now I had to call Tech Support.

I spend 27 minutes on hold, listening to music that must have been selected by someone who hates music and wants it to die.

On the 28th minute, Brad picks up.

Brad>> Hi, Tech Support.
Brad>> Brad speaking.
Brad>> How can I help you?
Dave>> The DSL light on my modem isn't on.
Dave>> I was wondering if there was a problem.
Brad>> Let me just look up your account.

*another 5 minute wait*

Brad>> Okay, your DSL isn't on.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I figured that out.
Dave>> The DSL light indicates if the DSL is on.
Dave>> The light was not on.
Dave>> I managed to figure out the DSL was not on.
Dave>> My question is why isn't it on?
Brad>> The light isn't on because the DSL isn't on.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> Not the light, Brad. I know why the light isn't on.
Dave>> Why isn't my DSL on?
Brad>> Oh...
Brad>> Let me check...

*yet another wait*

Brad>> Ah...
Brad>> Seems there's a problem.
Dave>> Let me guess.
Dave>> A problem with my DSL.
Brad>> Exactly.
Dave>> I'm shocked.
Dave>> What problem?
Brad>> They haven't turned it on yet.
Dave>> Who is "they"?
Brad>> Sales.
Brad>> Sales has to sign off on the order.
Dave>> You mean Sales who I called to set it up?
Brad>> Yeah.
Dave>> Sales who mailed me a modem?
Brad>> Yeah.
Dave>> And they didn't turn it on?
Brad>> I guess not.
Dave>> Any reason why?
Brad>> Oh, you'd have to call Sales for that.
Dave>> And, just taking a shot in the dark...
Dave>> Sales is closed right now.
Brad>> Yeah.
Brad>> But you can call tomorrow.
Dave>> I'm giddy with anticipation.

So, this morning, I get up and call Sales.

I tell Sales my problem.

Sales tells me that they don't handle orders like that.

That's a Tech Support job.

I should have called Tech Support.

I tell them I did call Tech Support.

They are mystified.

They suggest I call Tech Support again.

I die a little inside.

I call Tech Support.

Brad>> Hi, Tech Support.
Brad>> Brad speaking.
Brad>> How can I help you?
Dave>> Honestly...
Dave>> I doubt you can.
Brad>> What's the problem?
Dave>> I called you last night.
Dave>> My DSL light wasn't on.
Dave>> You told me to call Sales.
Dave>> Sales says you're retarded.
Brad>> Your DSL light isn't on?
Dave>> No.
Brad>> That's definitely a Tech Support issue.
Dave>> That's why I called you the first time.
Brad>> I don't know why they would tell you to call Sales.
Brad>> Do you know who you were speaking to?
Dave>> Yes.
Dave>> You.
Brad>> Oh...
Brad>> That's weird.
Dave>> Getting weirder by the second.
Brad>> Let me check your account.

*10 minute wait*

Brad>> Yeah, your DSL isn't on.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> Hey! You're right!
Dave>> Maybe we should fix that.
Brad>> No problem.
Brad>> Unfortunately, Sales hasn't signed off on this yet.
Brad>> So, they haven't turned your DSL on yet.
Dave>> I'd call that a problem.
Brad>> Yeah, you need to call Sales.
Dave>> No, Brad.
Dave>> You're going to call Sales.
Dave>> You're going to get them to fix this.
Dave>> I'm going to get home and find my DSL light on.
Dave>> Or you will have a DSL modem lodged inside you.
Brad>> Let me make a call.
Dave>> I thought you might.
Brad>> Thank you for calling, sir.
Dave>> It's been the exact opposite of a pleasure.
Brad>> And remember, if you have more problems...
Brad>> You can visit our website for assistance.

I swear that the above is entirely true. Almost word for word.

Even the part where he reminded me that I can get internet assistance on their website.

Assistance for when my internet isn't working.

On their website.

My brain hurts.

Note: I am well aware of the irony of me getting terrible customer service. I even pointed it out in the title. You'd have to be a jackass to point out the irony.

So, don't.


Saturday, September 09, 2006

Guilty By Association

Listen carefully.

If you know someone who cheats and you benefit from it, you're no better than they are.

Yeah, yeah. You can sit there on your high horse saying how bad third party programs are, but if you watch your puller running around like a chocobo on mescaline, you're just as guilty.

I know what you're thinking. If you don't use the program yourself, you're not violating the ToS.

Do I seem like the type of person who will concede an argument based on semantics?

If you benefit from cheating, you're cheating. Plain and simple.

I was haning out around the Kirin spawn point the other night, all Metal Gear Solid and shit, watching a group of players taking on Kirin.

These players were... What's the politically correct term for them?... Oh yeah. They were morally challenged, free enterprise business people.

Translation: Gil sellers.

I like to watch them sometimes. It makes me feel like Jane Goodall living amongst the apes and studying their ways.

Only replace the apes with absolute retards.

So, I'm watching these fools take on Kirin, when, all of a sudden, one of their team members goes racing past me at mach 5.

Otu of nowhere, a classic song starts to play in my head...

Nowhere to run to, Baby. Nowhere to hide.

Seems I was going to have to act as an existance termination facilatator.

Translation: Kill them bitches.

But, as I had some extra time on my hands, I figured why not let them fight a little longer. I mean, they did use up trigger items getting him to spawn.

I'll be nice and let them enjoy the fight.

Kirin was down to five percent. Their group was obviously tired, but looked like they could handle the challenge.

Four percent. Had a couple of deaths, but they managed to regroup quickly.

Three percent. All team members are up and going and things seem to be going well.

Two percent. They're already celebrating. Everyone is doing well on hit points and mana, so there really shouldn't be any problems finishing.

One percent...

Seems like a good time for a chat.


Player1>> Come on guys. We got this.
Player2>> (( Stun )) ---> Kirin
Player1>> What's going on?
Player3>> Where are we?!
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> I congratulate you on killing Kirin.
Player3>> We killed him?
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> I just like being ironic.
[GM]Dave>> That's very true.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sure you would have beaten him.
[GM]Dave>> I mean he was at 1%.
Player1>> Why are you doing this to us?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, it seems one of your members has been caught cheating.
[GM]Dave>> So, I've decided to punish you all.
Player3>> ALL OF US?!
Player3>> BUT I DON'T CHEAT!
[GM]Dave>> In retrospect, you probably should have.
[GM]Dave>> You're getting banned for cheating anyway.
[GM]Dave>> At least then your gear wouldn't suck so bad.
Player1>> You can't ban us if we didn't cheat.
Player1>> We didn't even know he was cheating.
[GM]Dave>> Who?
Player1>> Player2.
Player1>> We didn't know he was cheating.
[GM]Dave>> Huh. That's funny.
[GM]Dave>> I don't remember saying it was Player2.
Player1>> ...
Player1>> Shit.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> My thoughts exactly.
Player2>> PUT US BACK!!!
[GM]Dave>> There is no going back.
[GM]Dave>> There is only forward.
Player2>> What do you mean?
Player2>> We're going forward?
[GM]Dave>> Actually...
[GM]Dave>> Not so much.
[GM]Dave>> I'd say you're making a lateral move.
Player1>> What do you mean by a lateral move?
[GM]Dave>> Well, lateral means sideways.
[GM]Dave>> When I boot your ass off the server...
[GM]Dave>> I assume you will land somewhere near it.
Player3>> Can't you just ban Player2?
Player3>> I mean he cheated. We didn't.
[GM]Dave>> Did you get anything out of it?
Player3>> No.
Player3>> You didn't let us finish killing Kirin.
[GM]Dave>> I know.
[GM]Dave>> But you could have benefitted from it.
Player1>> So we're getting banned.
[GM]Dave>> Yes.
Player1>> Because that guy cheated.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
Player1>> Because we could have gotten something out of it.
Player1>> Even though we didn't get anything.
[GM]Dave>> That's pretty much it, yeah.
Player1>> That's insane.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not following.
Player3>> We don't deserve this.
[GM]Dave>> No, you don't.
[GM]Dave>> If I gave you what you deserve, I'd be doing twenty to life.
Player3>> Can't we work this out?
[GM]Dave>> Sure we can.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like to file an appeal?
Player3>> Yes. We want to appeal.
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Oh darn, your appeal failed.
[GM]Dave>> Want to try another?
Player3>> You didn't even ask us anything!
[GM]Dave>> Why would I do that?
[GM]Dave>> It might slow down the banning.
Player1>> I want to talk to your superior!
[GM]Dave>> She's not here right now.
[GM]Dave>> She's at home.
[GM]Dave>> We're having a baby.
Player1>> I don't give a damn about your baby.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> What...
[GM]Dave>> What did you just say?

That was the wrong thing to say.

I started off with the deluxe package. Dragon feeding, character deleting, the whole nine yards.

Then, I signed each of their accounts up for the maximum number of content IDs.

Then, I banned all of their IPs, so they can't access our servers and delete them.

THEN, I deleted their account files, so the customer service department won't be able to help them.

Those guys are going to be paying $40 a month until the end of time.

A small price to pay for a lesson, don't you think?