By Popular Demand...
Alternate Title: "Hell's current weather conditions... cold."
There are a few things that have always been a fundamental rule of FFXI. These are the undeniable, unshakable tenets upon which our little virtual world depends.
1) You will get your ass handed to you by a bunny/bee/flower
You will learn this on your very first day in Vana'diel.
Day freakin' one.
You equip a brand new weapon, run outside ready to fight the beastmen hoards, and get absolutely murdered in the face by the smallest, cuddliest animal you see.
Player>> Guess I'll warm up on a bunny.Player>> Take THIS!Player>> Wha... What are you...Player>> FLARRGGLEBLARGH!Flarrggleblargh, by the way, is the sound of epic fail.
You know, the epic fail one might experienced as they die from being raped by a rabbit.
It's not pretty.
The bunnies are especially funny. No matter how high a level you reach, there's always a bunny somewhere waiting to kick your ass.
On a completely unrelated note, the devs are huge Monty Python fans.
2) Whatever you go to camp, someone else is already there
It doesn't matter what you're after.
If you're planning on camping an NM, somebody's already there camping it.
This is not even a question.
If you get there and someone is not already camping, then it means you're early.
Or late.
Don't worry. They'll be back just in time to ruin your day.
Player>> Wow. I have the Argus camp all to myself.Player>> No one else's even in the zone.Player>> This is amazing.Player>> This is incredible.NotPlayer>> Hi.Player>> Where'd you come from?NotPlayer>> What's that thing?Player>> ARGUS!*Provoke*You cannot attack.That target is already claimed.Player>> NUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!If this does not occur to you, one of two things has happened:
a) you are very, very lucky
b) the mayans had it all wrong and the world is coming to an end
Actually, if this doesn't happen to you, then it means you just made it happen to someone else.
Remember: somebody has to be the other guy.
Might as well be you.
3) If you have been waiting forever for a piece of armor, it will always drop on the run you miss
This is called the Law of Dynamis.
You've been doing Dynamis twice a week for 3 years. You attend every run. You're always there.
In all that time, you have been waiting for that one important piece of gear.
It has never dropped.
Still, you attend every run.
Every run.
Then, just before a run, your appendix gets inflamed and they have to rush you to the hospital just to keep you alive.
Guess what happens on that run you just missed.
That's what you get for being a pussy.
4) Galkas are ugly
Galkas.
Are.
Ugly.
5) There are no Nomad Moogles in Selbina or Mhaura
That second place doesn't matter. No one goes to Mhaura.
If you're in Mhaura, it means either:
a) you're lost
b) you're on your way somewhere else
c) you got lost on your way to somewhere else
That's it.
Wait...
Nope. That's it.
There's absolutely no point to go there.
It's like Delaware.
All of my readers from Delaware just stood up in a rage.
Then they looked around, nodded in grim acceptance, and sat back down.
But putting a Nomad Moogle in Selbina?
IS NOTHING SACRED?!The entire point of Valkurm is that people go there to die in incredibly inconvenient ways.
Also, you have to run
FOREVER to get there.
Whoops. You forgot your sword.
Say goodbye to a half an hour of your life.
It's funny. You spend levels 11-19 running to and from Valkurm.
Running, running, running.
Once you finally get high enough level that you don't need to spend all your time running, we finally give you a chocobo to ride.
Still, this has always been one of the fundamental ground rules of Vana'diel.
No Moogle in Selbina.Oh, it's not that we didn't know you wanted it.
People send us suggestions every other day.
Dear SE,Why isn't there a Nomad Moogle in Selbina?Gee, thanks for pointing that out. We never, EVER thought of that.
I am always careful to give a full and clear response.
Dear Player,Screw you.That's why.Or...
Dear Player,Die in a fire.Or my personal favorite...
Dear Player,Your mom's like a Nomad Moogle.She'll give you any job you ask for.I like that one.
I always thought this rule would never change. It was always just one of those things that players had to live with.
Also, it makes me giggle.
But then... Then the new version update notes came down.
And I died a little inside.
I'm all for making the game better for players (read: me), but that's just going too far.
Why don't we just hand you level 20 on a little silver platter?
Area: Valkurm Dunes.System Message: You managed to walk here. Congratulations, you're now level 20.Walk home.I'll defend new weapons and new armor. I'll support new mission and quest changes.
But changes that reduce the general suffering of players?
That's just wrong.
Brain No Work No More
Susan is an incredible woman. She is beautiful and wonderful and amazing.
Okay, that should pretty much get me out of trouble for what I'm about to say.
I think she gave me an aneurysm last night.
She's said things before that hurt me. Every now and then, she'll make an offhand comment that will make my brain shut down.
Susan>> Do you want to watch this dancing show?Susan>> I can't wait to see the new Sex and the City movie.Susan>> Do you have to put bacon on everything?One of the most "interesting" facts about Susan is that she has not seen a lot of well known movies.
Hopefully, she won't notice those quotation marks.
One that jumped out at me in particular was that she had never seen the Indiana Jones movies.
Ever.
Yeah.
I mean, there are movies that no one would bat an eye at you not seeing.
But Indiana Jones?
Everyone's seen Indiana Jones.
Not Susan.
I felt this had to be remedied.
Actually, I just happened to notice Last Crusade was coming on TV, so I suggested we watch it.
I'll give her credit. Action adventure movies are not her style. I wasn't expecting a huge reaction.
I was simply impressed that she sat through the whole thing.
Then, as they rode off into the sunset and the credits rolled, I asked her what she thought of it.
She said something.
And my brain imploded.
I'm not kidding. There was a sudden snap and my brain actually imploded.
Colors faded.
My vision blurred.
Dane Cook actually seemed funny.
I hadn't expected much of a reaction.
She'd like it or she wouldn't.
That I could handle.
I was ready.
At least... I thought I was ready.
[GM]Dave>> What'd you think?Susan>> I think...Susan>> Tomb Raider was better.Snap.
Statute of Limitations
I hate spoilers. I mean I really, really hate them.
What exactly causes a person to think it's okay to tell everyone else how a story ends?
You spend all this time following a story only to have some moron ruin the whole thing for you.
That sucks, right?
We're agreed.
This was fun. Have a good day.
...
Yeah, writing a rant about spoilers is a little too easy.
But what's the statute of limitations on spoilers?
Sure, somebody tells you how the CoP storyline ends.
Spoiler.
By the way, Prishe is a robot.
Just FYI.
Somebody tells you how Rise of the Zilart ends.
... Okay.
So, you've been busy. That expansions only been out for 5 years.
Spoiler, I guess.
It is an expansion, so I guess I can give you a little credit.
Very little.
But what about the nation missions?
Somebody tells you how the San d'Oria storyline ends.
Is that really a spoiler? Do you really have a right to be angry?
Those missions have been in there since the game came out.
They were right there in the package.
Of course you went and got rank 5.
Everyone has rank 5.
You practically need rank 5 just to survive in Vana'diel.
That's nothing to be proud of.
Stop being proud.
That's better.
I'm fairly certain we can all agree that the statute of limitations has passed on the original missions. There are no spoilers to be had.
And yet...
The other night, I was in my main LS and we started talking about our favorite cutscenes. We had run through all the biggies (Seriously, Prishe is a goddamned robot!) and I mentioned the last scene for the Sandy missions.
Player>> Dude... Spoiler.
Player>> That's not cool.
Okay, first off, he actually said the word "dude".
Who still says "dude"?
No wonder he thinks this is a spoiler. No one told him it's not 1987 anymore.
Quickly! No topical conversations at all!
He'll die!
Don't mention how Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey ends!
Wait... Does anyone even remember how that movie ends?
I bet this guy doesn't even understand the Rick Roll.
That shit is new music to him.
Secondly, the best he can do is "That's not cool."
What the hell is that?
I have supposedly ruined an epic storyline for him and the best he can say is "That's not cool"?
If you're going to get mad over something stupid, at least have the decency to get mad at a stupid level.
I once punched a guy in the throat because he told me how Episode 1 ended.
And I'd already seen the movie.
Twice.
In my defense, he did say it in front of one of my friends who hadn't seen the movie yet.
Also, he was like seven so I didn't have to worry about him retaliating.
So, I totally understand getting mad over a spoiler.
But get mad like a man.
All that aside, I did have to deal with the fact that one of my friends was honestly upset because I ruined the Sandy missions for him.
It's only been 6 damned years.
Given the fact that he was a friend, I decided to be delicate about it.
[GM]Dave>> What's a coma like?That's delicate for me.
Player>> What do you mean?[GM]Dave>> Well, I have apparently spoiled a six year old mission.[GM]Dave>> I can only assume you have been in a coma.Player>> That's not funny.[GM]Dave>> Not by itself, no. Coma's are pretty serious.[GM]Dave>> Unless you pose the body.[GM]Dave>> Then it's a little funny.Player>> You should be more careful with what you say.[GM]Dave>> You think I'll offend coma patients?[GM]Dave>> How would they know?Player>> That's not what I meant.[GM]Dave>> In six years, some random guy is going to come up to me.[GM]Dave>> He'll yell "That shit ain't funny!" and punch me.Player>> Please stop.[GM]Dave>> I'll say "Man, you must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed."Player>> Just stop.[GM]Dave>> He'll cry a little.[GM]Dave>> It's funnier when they cry.Player>> STOP![GM]Dave>> Are you still here?[GM]Dave>> You know, I really don't need you for this conversation.[GM]Dave>> Someone can tell you how it ends later.Player>> STOP! STOP! STOP![GM]Dave>> You can call them dude.[GM]Dave>> It'll be fun.Player>> You're a jerk.He called me a jerk.
No one calls me a jerk.
To my face.
[GM]Dave>> How about I make it up to you?Player>> Really?Why are people so trusting?
Player>> How?[GM]Dave>> What if I let you try out a mission you haven't seen?Player>> That'd be cool.[GM]Dave>> Gee, are there any missions you haven't tried?Player>> Well...[GM]Dave>> I was being sarcastic.[GM]Dave>> There is one...[GM]Dave>> But you probably wouldn't like it.Player>> What does it involve?[GM]Dave>> You just have to avoid aggro and open a chest.Player>> Sounds easy enough.[GM]Dave>> Let's go then.*warp*
He was pretty good, I'll give him.
It was like Metal Gear Solid without a retarded cardboard box.
Finally, he makes it to the chest.
Player>> This isn't so bad.Player>> So, I just open the chest?[GM]Dave>> Yup.Player>> Okay.Player opens the treasure chest.Jormungand hits Player for 15,631 points of damage.Player was defeated by Jormungand.Player>> WHAT THE HELL?!Player>> You didn't say anything about a dragon![GM]Dave>> I couldn't.[GM]Dave>> You know... Spoiler.He didn't find it funny.
He has no sense of humor.
He also didn't find it funny when I changed his name to Dude.
Okay... That was a little mean.
People Are Sick
So, I decided to continue my studies into Japanese.
I figure I might as well find out what all those squiggles mean.
I mean, most of the time when I'm in a party with Japanese players, I can't tell if we're in trouble or if the Bards pants don't match his shoes.
Those squiggles might be important.
As I worked my way through lessons, I decided it might be helpful to have some actual Japanese reading material to browse through.
Plus, the lady at the Asian variety market down the street looks at me funny when I try to strike up a conversation about finding my way to the local train station.
So, I was stuck trying to find an easy way to get Japanese reading material.
Conventions were out. Those things frighten the hell out of me.
I decided my best option was ebay.
Honestly, it's pretty much the easiest thing to do nowadays. No matter what you're looking for, someone is probably selling it on ebay.
Ebay is probably the only place where you can wake up at 3 am looking for a sandwich that looks like Abe Lincoln and find one for sale.
A quick search and I found lots of Japanese books. I figured my best bet would be to buy a few final fantasy books.
You might not know this, but I'm a bit of a final fantasy fan.
I buy a handful of magazines and books, and sit back and wait.
And wait...
And wait...
So... How ya been?
The books arrived just the other day. I tore the package open and flew through the pages.
That is when I learned a very important Japanese lesson:
"Doujinshi" does not mean "comics".
It might more accurately translate into: "DEAR GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!"
Apparently, in my shopping excitement, I failed to notice the description that said "pictures of final fantasy characters having wildly unusual sex".
You'd think I would have noticed something like that.
You'd think that would have jumped out at me.
Maybe I didn't notice it because IT WASN'T THERE!
Now, instead of having Japanese reading material, I have the image of Sephiroth "attacking" Cloud in a most unorthodox manner burned into my brain.
And I paid money for it.
What the hell is wrong with people?
The fact that people even make this stuff is evidence of two major things:
a) that the world is going to hell
b) that the world SHOULD go to hell
Who the hell has ever been playing an FF game and suddenly said "Hey, this would be better if it was porn."
That is a sick, sick person.
Please tell me you've never said that.
I don't think we can still be friends if you've ever said that.
This whole thing just has me so grossed out. I feel sick just knowing this shit exists.
What could be worse than seeing that?
Susan>> What are you reading?That should do it.
[GM]Dave Hates Strangers
This may surprise you, but little things piss me off.
A lot.
That is why I don't like people very much (read: That is why I HATE PEOPLE
SO MUCH).
Every time I'm around people, someone always manages to find a way to anger me.
Some of you may be thinking that it's just me.
You'd be wrong.
It's everybody else.
Yes, I do tend to get incredibly pissed off by the stupidity of others. I admit that.
But who the hell wouldn't?
If you're not pissed off by the stupid shit that people do, then you're just not paying attention enough.
They're everywhere.
I'd call it a mass conspiracy, but I don't think these people would have the intellect to organize something like that.
I'm honestly surprised that some of them can even tie their own shoes.
Could you imagine a conference call?
Idiot1>> Ah! Everything is going as planned.Idiot2>> Yes, we'll drive him insane soon enough.Idiot1>> We should get Fred on the phone.Idiot1>> He's in charge of phase 2.Idiot1>> Shit... I hit the wrong button.Idiot1>> Do you know how to make a conference call?Idiot1>> ...Idiot1>> Hello?Idiot1>> ... Shit.It'd be funny if it weren't so sad.
And probably true.
Just today, I was in the grocery store. I had to pick up a case of Red Bull.
This would be 1 item.
That's an important part of the story.
Because I only had 1 item, I went to the express line.
Ten items or less.
This is also an important part of the story.
Are you writing these down?
So, I'm waiting in the express ten items or less line when I notice the woman ahead of me.
Usually, if I notice a woman, it's because she's attractive.
This was not the case.
Actually, this was so far from being the case that it was a little frightening.
I actually checked her forehead for the white hand of Saruman.
No, I noticed this lady because she is in my express, ten items or less line with 16 items.
16.
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with math, let me break it down for you: 16 is not less than or equal to 10.
From this, I can assume she is either:
a) in the wrong aisle
b) retarded
c) in the wrong aisle because she's retarded
d) trying to give me a brain tumor
I thought about saying something to her, but then realized how incredibly rude that would be. A reasonable man wouldn't say something to a person in this situation. He'd just let it go.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me...[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?Of course I had to talk to her. If I didn't let this shit out, I'd end up climbing a tower with a high power rifle.
Rifles are expensive.
Lady>> What did you say to me?![GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.[GM]Dave>> ARE YOU RETARDED?[GM]Dave>> Maybe I should use smaller words.Lady>> How dare you?!Lady>> Why would you say something like that?[GM]Dave>> Do you know how much rifles cost?Lady>> What?![GM]Dave>> Nothing.[GM]Dave>> Nothing.Lady>> What are you talking about?[GM]Dave>> Are you too stupid to read the sign?[GM]Dave>> Or too stupid to understand it?[GM]Dave>> Or too stupid to do math?[GM]Dave>> Seriously. Just pick one.Lady>> I don't know what you mean.[GM]Dave>> I will try to contain my surprise.[GM]Dave>> This is the express lane.Lady>> And?[GM]Dave>> And the express lane is for people with 10 items or less.[GM]Dave>> You should be in the aisle marked 16 items plus brain damage.Lady>> I don't have 16 items.[GM]Dave>> This should be good.[GM]Dave>> How do you not have 16 items?Lady>> I have three jars of peanut butter.Lady>> That only counts as one item.[GM]Dave>> ...[GM]Dave>> I think my brain just died.[GM]Dave>> Do me a favor: count the jars.Lady>> There are three of them.[GM]Dave>> So that would count as how many items?Lady>> One.[GM]Dave>> She's trying to communicate.[GM]Dave>> I can tell.Lady>> Three of the same thing counts as one item.[GM]Dave>> First off, that's remarkably stupid.[GM]Dave>> I mean like epic level stupid.[GM]Dave>> Second, even if I were to accept this new math...[GM]Dave>> You still have 14 items.[GM]Dave>> Third...[GM]Dave>> What the hell do you need three jars of peanut butter for?Lady>> I've never been so insulted before![GM]Dave>> And you're tremendously ugly.[GM]Dave>> How you feeling now?Finally, she paid for her (16) purchases, turned with a huff, and stomped off.
I could finally relax.
Then I noticed the lady directly behind me.
12 items.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me...
[GM]Dave For President!
A few readers have asked me what I think about politics.
I get that. I am obviously a perfectly well-adjusted human being who considers all things logically before taking action. It is only logical that you would want my opinion.
Yeah.
Do you know what I think about politics?
I don't.
Not a bit.
Politics basically amounts to an orgy. There's a lot of posturing and everyone ends up getting screwed in the end.
Then Eliot Spitzer pays someone $4000.
Bah dump pssshhhh.
I don't understand politics.
I understand the basic themes of power and control. I understand the whole kissing hands and shaking babies bit.
That all makes sense.
These people are fighting to be the person in charge of running an entire country.
Possibly into the ground.
I get the campaigning and the lying. I get the unrealistic promises everyone makes.
Someone else is trying to get your job.
You know you're going to throw down.
Who hasn't gone to a job interview and told the interviewer that the other guy was hot shotting heroin in the waiting room?
Only me then?
That's fine. Getting hired based on your actual marketable skills is for suckers.
See, I get all that stuff about politics. That's all normal.
I just don't get why anyone would vote for anybody.
It's like you're trying to figure out who's going to screw us over the least.
All that other stuff is just smoke and mirrors.
You want my opinion?
Try to figure out which candidate is least likely to mess with video games.
That might not seem important, but it would be good enough for me.
I don't ask for much.
Here's the list:
a) don't burn the place down
b) don't mess with video games
That's it.
Promise me that and you can have my vote.
I don't care if you're running for prom king.
That's all I really want.
Well...
c) national [GM]Dave holiday
Is that too much to ask?
It'd be like St. Patrick's Day.
With more drinking.
Huh?
Huh?
Maybe I should run for president.
Sent Finally
Okay, the fan packs have been sent. You should have received part 1 last night and part 2 tonight.
Anyone who donated today or over the next few days will be sent both packs.
Note to self: start putting these things together earlier.
