A Public Service Announcement
*ahem*
I now present a public service announcement on behalf of all crafters.
The Auction House is a wonderous place where you can offer up goods for others to bid upon. You can set the price of any good at any value of your choosing and, should anyone make an offer equal or greater than that amount, the item will be sold.
It is a very efficient system.
You are also able to peruse the recent sales history of any item to estimate an approximate value for your item. This estimate is only a guideline, though, and you are free to set the price at any value you wish.
There is one small addendum to that policy:
If you undercut the price by 50% and destroy the market value of an item, I am going to F&%@ING CUT YOU.
I mean that in all seriousness. I will cut you so bad, you'll wish I didn't cut you so bad.
Should you live in another area, I would be happy to send you a knife in the mail.
I put up with a lot of bullshit as a crafter in FFXI.
A.
LOT.
Watching a synth worth millions upon millions of gil go kablooey because someone within eleven miles of your character is wearing their Suppanomimi on their right ear is the price we pay to be crafters.
That's just part of the job.
It's like Paladins getting killed or people questioning the sexuality of Bards.
That's just the way it is.
What is not part of our job is watching all of our work crash and burn because you were in too much of a hurry to list your item for a reasonable price.
Congratulations. You got nowhere near what the item was actually worth and you've ruined countless people's hard work.
That is why, when you do this, I am perfectly justified in cutting you.
Really, you brought it on yourself.
Do you think I want to cut you? Do you think that seems like an entertaining idea to me?
... Maybe.
But I'm only cutting you because you deserve to be cut, because you NEED to be cut.
You F&%@ING need it.
I don't care why you did it. I don't care why you were in such a rush.
I will F&%@ING cut you.
Cut.
You.
DIY in the hell would anyone do this?
Okay... I'm just going to warn you ahead of time: Today's post is about a news story that could be considered a little... extreme.
If you're squeamish, it might be a good idea not to read it.
Seriously, just pretend I made some funny comments about Mario Kart and come back in a couple days.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
*ahem*
I understand we are in the middle of an economic crisis. The entire world is suffering from this problem.
In order to survive, people have to make sacrifices, they have to do without certain luxuries.
Maybe you don't go out to eat as much.
Maybe you don't buy that new game that just came out.
One area where you probably shouldn't try and save money is when is comes to getting medical help.
ESPECIALLY surgery.
Oh, yeah. That's where we're going.
Apparently, in what can only be considered overzealous thriftiness, a man in the United Kingdom decided to save money by performing his own surgery.
Correction... His own circumcision surgery.
In case you're not familiar, that's the one where they remove the skin from around the tip of a man's junk.
He performed that procedure on himself.
Wow. Just... Just wow.
Oh, you haven't even heard the best part yet.
Because there are quite literally no limits to human stupidity, this Darwin award winner decided that the best tool for this job was a
pair of nail clippers.
No, you didn't read that wrong.
Nail.
Motherf&%@ing.
Clippers.
Warning: Do NOT apply to genitalsWhat in the hell was this man thinking?
Was there some part of this guy's brain that thought this shit was going to turn out well?
Hell, maybe he just thought he needed a trim.
I realize that our current global economic turmoil is a very complex, hard to understand situation with thousands of mitigating factors and related indicators. As complex as it is, however, I think I've devised a fairly accurate means of determing the effect it has on your own life.
If, at any time, you think the best way to save money is by performing surgery on your own penis, YOU NEED TO RETHINK YOUR MOTHERF&%@ING INVESTMENTS.
Get another job.
Get two jobs.
Get EIGHT jobs.
Whatever.
You don't screw around with that shit.
Performing your own kidney transplant surgery? Go right the hell ahead.
That shit is easy.
But taking a set of nail clippers to the ol' polearm?
I don't think so.
The worst part is that the guy went through all that trouble, performing major surgery and he doesn't even get paid for it.
Well... I did hear that he gave himself a tip.
Bah dump psshhh.
This Is Science?
MMORPG science is big business now. Every other week, a new study about MMORPG players and social networks hits the media and tries to grasp this strange species known as "the gamer".
Personally, I just thought we were having fun playing a really sweet video game, but who am I to question science?
I suppose I kind of get it. It is basically a new population developing its own rules and customs.
We're like zoo, but with less shit throwing.
Though we're working on that for an upcoming patch.
Don't piss off a Ranger. Trust me.
Now, while I can understand the lure of MMORPGs as a setting for scientific studies, I do have to question exactly what some of these studies are trying to prove.
Are they trying to develop ways or reducing obsessive tendencies?
No. That would be too helpful.
Are they trying to understand how different races and cultures interact within a common experience?
No. That could actually help enlighten humanity.
Why the hell would anyone want to do that?
No, the latest scientific study to come out of MMORPG experimentation relates to the study of the observance of possible behaviors as dictated by game construction mechanics without subscribing to accepted social and cultural conventions, and the effect those behaviors would have on player opinion.
Basically, the researcher wanted to see how
acting like a complete douchebag would affect other players.
Yeah.
From what I understand, he played City of Heroes and, while not breaking any actual rules, went out of his way to ignore generally game etiquette and piss off other players.
Wow.
This is science now? Did we run out of random animals to torture and study?
Back in the day, we studied important shit like what happened when you hooked a chimp's brain up to a car battery.
Now, that was science.
This is just cruel.
His study though raises some important points:
1) we had to figure this out?
He went out of his way to annoy people and his conclusion was that people get annoyed when you do that.
Intriguing.
He was actually genuinely surprised that acting like a complete and total moron made him unpopular with other players.
I can only assume his next study is trying to figure out why putting food in an oven makes it get hot.
What exactly did he expect to find? Did he think players would thank him for his interesting take on game play?
He was an asshole and people didn't like it.
Shocker.
2) we've got a LOT of freaking scientists out there
Amateur researcher must be the hot, new profession because we don't have any shortage of people acting like assholes in MMORPGs.
Gankers, griefers, scammers...
I didn't realize special ed classes did this kind of research.
I appreciate science. Science has helped us make astounding breakthroughs that have revolutionized our world.
Have you seen the Shamwow? That shit is amazing.
But science should really figure out what the hell they're trying to do in our neighborhood.
By all means, come on in and have a look around. Take a tour and make a few notes.
Just don't come in and make an asshole of yourself.
That's what FPSs were designed for.
Honestly, I think he just didn't have anything better to do. I think he just got bored of being a professor and tried to figure out how to make a career out of playing video games and being an asshole.
Sorry, Doc. I was here first.
Avast, Mateys
It is nearly impossible to be a member of the internet or gaming community and not think about piracy.
We, as a people, are infinitely aware of just how pervasive piracy really is.
Now, while the debate has raged on for a long time, the idea of piracy has come back into focus as possibly the largest torrent site on the net, The Pirate Bay, has been sold to a gaming company.
Oh, it gets better. They're going legit. They plan on changing the site so that people would have to pay for downloads.
Basically, they believe that the massive Pirate Bay user base will follow the site and eagerly sign up to pay reasonable prices to download content.
This is both:
a) incredibly logical
b) doomed to epic failure
Their idea that people would be willing to pay very low prices for such a helpful service makes sense. It makes a lot of sense. People flock to the Pirate Bay every day looking for the latest content.
It only makes sense that those users would be willing to pay a small fee to continue using the site.
Unfortunately, they have failed to realize a fundamental flaw in their plan:
Free > Cheap
That's a big motherf&%@in' flaw.
It doesn't matter how cheap they make their service. They just can't compete with free.
iTunes sells songs for 99 cents each.
99 cents.
That's basically as cheap as anything can be and still cost money.
And yet, if this is such a reasonable price, then why in the hell are there so many mp3 download sites? Why are there so many torrents for music?
The simple answer is "free is better than cheap".
One dollar doesn't mean a hell of a lot to me. One dollar is a price that I would gladly pay for pretty much anything on our planet.
I paid a dollar for the Brady FFXI guide.
That's not a joke.
Hell, even if I lost a dollar, it really wouldn't bother me.
But, if given the choice, I would rather have a song AND still have my dollar.
Here's a quick quiz. Someone offers you:
a) a song
b) a song and a dollar
Which are you going to pick?
If you said 'a', you are a damned liar and you know it.
That's basically what these pay sites are telling you. Yes, those other sites have this shit for free, but we have it for next to free. That's almost as good as free, right?
Not really.
Yes, the service you provide is incredibly helpful. The Pirate Bay is probably one of the most popular sites on the internet.
Unfortunately, there are like seventeen bajillion sites that provide the exact same service.
For free.
Remember Napster? Remember how they tried going legit and charging for downloads?
But they're still totally popular, right?
Right?
Not so much.
As revolutionary as Napster was, there were a bunch of less revolutionary, but still free P2P programs standing right behind them.
Again, free wins.
Now, don't bother talking about morality and legality. Neither of those concepts really plays a part in the decision making process here. Everyone knows you're not supposed to download and they do it anyway.
Besides, we the consumers have spent so many years being dicked around by these companies that they really can't start playing the "fair" card now. They ripped us off on CDs, so now we're ripping them off for CDs.
Hell, half the songs you "buy" from these legit sites come packed to the brim with fine print just so they can dick you over all over again.
It's perpetual dicking.
And they make you pay money for it.
Isn't that backwards? Shouldn't the pay sites be easy to use and helpful, and the evil pirates be useless and difficult?
I just think these companies don't quite get it. They keep giving us these long speeches about how wrong piracy is and how they're the good guys. They talk about how piracy helps terrorism and costs people's jobs.
That's all bullshit.
They're mad because they used to make a shitload of money ripping people off and now, people have found a way to not get ripped off.
No more moneys.
They mad.
And that's it.
It's like Understanding Piracy for Dummies.
Piracy costs them money and they like money. Hell, everyone likes money. Since piracy costs them that money, it is bad.
I might at least respect them if they just came out and said that. Just give us the benefit of not assuming we're retarded or something.
There will never be a solution to piracy until they can provide us with a product that is actually worth what they are asking us to pay. $60 games and $20 CDs are bullshit and we all know it. Especially when 95% of them are complete and utter crap anyway.
They're just mad we've finally figured this shit out.
All the lawsuits and trials are just them trying to put the genie back in the bottle. They need to reprogram us to think that they're the good guys.
And that is working out really well so far.
I don't blame the guys who sold the Pirate Bay. They got offered a hell of a lot of money for what basically amounts to a brand name.
I'd have taken it, too.
But we all know it isn't going to work. We all know the NEW and IMPROVED Pirate Bay is going to crash and burn.
And why?
Because someone out there is always going to be giving it away for free.
And we like free.
Parenthood
A lot of readers ask me questions about being a parent. They want to know things like what it's like being a Dad.
I read a lot of books about being a Dad before my daughter was born.
Now, I read those books because Susan threatened to cut off very sensitive, very important body parts if I didn't, but it still counts.
Do you know what I learned from reading those books?
Parenting books are complete and utter bullshit.
Bull.
Shit.
They tell you that being a parent is a magical experience that will change your life forever.
They were half right.
People think being a parent is defined by those moments that pull at your heart. Seeing your child sleeping. Teaching them a new skill. Helping them when they are hurt.
That is crap.
Parenthood is not defined by any of that.
Seeing a sleeping child. Anyone would find a moment like that inspiring. Being a parent doesn't suddenly make that experience suddenly more important.
Anyone who tells you different is lying.
Teaching a child a new skill. Well, that's the definition of a teacher, not a parent. While you may feel a sense of accomplishment, it doesn't make you feel more like a parent.
Helping them when they are hurt. That's not being a parent. That's not wanting to get arrested for child neglect.
No, there is one moment that truly defines being a parent, one moment that embodies parenthood.
That moment occurs at 4:17 am.
That moment occurs when you are standing bleary-eyed over your child's bed.
That moment occurs when they tell you they woke you up screaming because someone named Darwin was coming to get them.
At that exact moment, you will want to calmly reassure them that nothing is wrong and gently lull them back to sleep.
By which I mean, you will want to smother them with a pillow.
It's right there.
Right there.
At 4:17 am, this actually seems like a viable option to you. Not just viable, but justified.
Parenthood is defined by that moment where you want to smother them, but don't.
All of that other stuff anyone can do.
That 4:17 am moments... That's what makes a parent.
I know this because at exactly 4:17 am, my daughter started screaming.
Screaming.
I quickly rush to her, staggering about the house, trying to collect my wits. Obviously, screaming like this must mean she is seriously injured or being kidnapped by a European human trafficking ring and I am going to have to kill hundreds of people until I find her.
Exhausted, both mentally and physically, I burst into her room and hurried to her side. I immediately asked her what was wrong.
Through tears and sobs, she said:
Daughter>> There... Was...Daughter>> Darwin was chasing me.Daughter>> He was gonna get me.Oh, a bad dream.
I'm up at 4:17 am because she had a bad dream.
At 8 or 9 am, this isn't such a bad thing. You console her and try and make her feel better.
At 4:17 am though...
That pillow looked like a really good idea.
Parenthood is all about those moments. Those moments when you could, but you don't.
I'm glad to say that this morning, I am still a parent.
For now...
Law & Order: Gold Farmers Unit
There are few people I hate, loathe, DESPISE than RMTs.
That means Real Money Traders for those of you playing along at home.
Every major MMORPG has them. They're like a horrible, disgusting infection that can be treated, but never cured.
Basically, gil sellers are herpes.
Yes, you heard me right. They are herpes.
Now, we do our best to keep these guys in control. We're in those trenches every day kicking ass and taking names.
We then put those names on a form.
It's a long form.
I read almost half of it once.
But, no matter how many of these guys we ban, twenty more just show up to take their place. They're just waiting in the wings to create new accounts, credit cards squeezed in their eager little fingers.
It'd be almost cute if they weren't bloodsucking, c--ksucking blights on humanity.
That's twice the sucking for the same price.
What a deal!
Now, I don't want to stereotype all gil/gold sellers. It would be wrong of me to suggest that such a large group could be generalized into a specific demographic.
I'm just going to say that most, if not all, of them come from a certain country in Asia.
It begins with a C and rhymes with China.
Wait... I think I did that wrong...
This isn't a comment on Chinese people. Oh, no, those guys are all right. It would be downright stupid to judge an entire country by a small fraction of its people.
But the majority of gil/gold sellers do come from China.
Well... At least they used to.
It seems China decided to make RMT illegal. It is now officially against the law in China to take part in RMT activities for any MMORPG.
Oh yeah, baby.
Finally, a country has woken up and created actual laws against being a complete and utter douchebag.
About bloody time.
Let's kick it up a notch though. Let's make it illegal in EVERY country.
Punishable by death.
Ooooooooh! Or punishable by crotch punching!
That's way better. Death would be too damned quick. Crotch punching would be so much more effective of a deterrent.
And who does the punching? Anyone harmed or annoyed by RMT activities.
RMT group steal your NM? Crotch punch.
RMT group try and intentionally get you killed? Crotch punch.
RMT exploiting glitch to dupe gil? Falcon crotch punch.
If you can honestly tell me this doesn't sound like the best damned idea ever, then you're not reading it correctly.
We need to get this thing on the next ballot or something. We could vote on initiating a RMT crotch punch law.
We could stand up, as a people, and with clear voices yell that we will not go gentle into that goodnight. We will stand against the darkness and then we will punch it in the testicles.
Damn, I love democracy.
DONE!
Okay, all fan packs have been sent out.
If you have not received yours yet, it means either:
a) it accidentally went into your spam folder
b) you did not give me the correct e-mail address
c) I just don't like you
Feel free to e-mail me if you didn't get yours. We can discuss how your e-mail works or why you are a blight on humanity.
Whichever.
This, by the way, has been an absolute week from hell.
HELL, I TELL YOU, HELL!
What? Too dramatic?
Remember
that time we had a pipe burst with all the water spraying into my basement and I somehow ended up stabbing myself with a knife?
Good times, good times.
Well, another pipe decided to go kablooey and this time, instead of a little water, we had an outright flood.
Did I mention the pipe was in the upstairs bathroom?
It was actually raining in my basement. Water was pouring down the walls and dripping from the ceiling.
Yay.
Apparently, my insurance company doesn't actually screw you over and offered to pay for everything.
I like those guys.
Susan then decided we should spend the week fixing everything up to match the new stuff the workers were putting in.
I don't like her so much.
So, between getting over the flu, trying to actually undestroy my basement and upstairs bathroom, and actually going to work, I'm not doing so well with the sleep lately.
I seriously fell asleep while writing several of the fan pack stories. I'm pretty sure I edited out all of my wacky sleep-related sentences, but if I start talking about an english only tarantula or something, don't pay too much attention to it.
My plan now is to find a (preferably) horizontal surface and lie down until I'm am awoken by:
a) being completely rested
b) the apocalypse
c) a Swedish bikini team
Either one of those would be just super.
