Wednesday, May 31, 2006


Alternate Title: "Oh dear lord."

I don't like critics.

I'm pretty sure we've established that.

The mindless blathering and rambling of whiny little bitches constantly complaining is one of the few (read: many) reasons I drink.

I drink a lot.

But every coin has two sides.

Unfortunately for me, the other side of this coin is just more annoying.

For every critic, there's a fanboy.

They're just like people only not worth the oxygen they're using.

Now, that's not to say fans. Oh no, fans are much different.

See, I like fans.

But how do you know if you might be a fanboy?

Here's a little quiz for you.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

When I read [GM]Dave's blog, I:

a) laugh at the jokes and perhaps make a nice post

b) don't find it funny and post criticism

c) wish that [GM]Dave and I were best friends so that he could come to my birthday party and it would be the bestest party ever cause [GM]Dave is so awesome and I want him to have my babies, even though I'm totally a guy.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

If you answered A, you are a fan. I like you. We're cool.

If you answered B, you are a critic. I don't like you. I'm cool.

If you answered C, you're a fanboy. I hate you. Hold yourself under water until you get sleepy.

Note: making the standard "have my babies" post does not immediately qualify you as a fanboy.

The trouble starts when you're serious.

About once a day, I get a fanboy call. These aren't the people who call to be fed to a dragon.

These are people who suddenly think they can be my sidekick or something.

What is wrong with people?

GM Call Description: Need to speak with [GM]Dave

I was in a good mood when this person called. I had just finished off a report (read: bottle of Jack Daniels), and was feeling pretty good.

So why not answer this call?

Apparently, my fanboy alarms were down.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What can I help you with?
Player>> OH.
[GM]Dave>> Oh what?
Player>> EMM.
[GM]Dave>> Emm?
Player>> GEE.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... You're a moron.
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha.
Player>> I LOVE YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Love is a little strong.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to go with cautious tolerance.
[GM]Dave>> Question: are you using a standard keyboard?
Player>> YES.
[GM]Dave>> Good. Good.
[GM]Dave>> Could you hit the key just to the left of 'A'?
[GM]Dave>> It's a magic key marked "sound less retarded."
Player>> Like this?
[GM]Dave>> You can be taught.
[GM]Dave>> I guess your math teacher was wrong.
Player>> I love you, [GM]Dave.
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> Could you hold on a second?
Player>> Sure. Why?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> Got to warm up my stun gun.
Player>> You're funny.
[GM]Dave>> You're scary.
Player>> You should totally let me write a blog story.
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly would I do that?
Player>> It would be hilarious.
Player>> I could be a GM, too.
[GM]Dave>> *warms up stun gun*
Player>> It would be so much fun.
Player>> We could be partners.
[GM]Dave>> I have a partner.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like to meet him?
Player>> Really?
Player>> HELL YEAH!
[GM]Dave>> Key next to 'A'.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> Are you going to feed me to Jormungand?
[GM]Dave>> The thought had crossed my mind.
[GM]Dave>> You're absolutely retarded.


Player>> This is sooooooo awesome.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else is awesome?
Player>> What?

Jormungand hits Player for 11,856 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Dragons are, like, totally awesome.
[GM]Dave>> Moron.
Player>> Can we be friends?

I like having you people as fans.

But, honestly, we're not going to be bestest buds or whatever other crap you write in your diary.

If you act cool, then we'll be cool.

Cool meaning "a lack of dragon-related injuries".

If you go fanboy on me, I'm going to have to put you down.

For society's sake.


For the fan club, not the blog.

Had you scared there, didn't I?

I'd just like to say I really appreciate the support. It makes all of those hours of n00b and moron banning worthwhile.

I'll be closing the fan club list at the end of the day, finishing up the package tomorrow, and sending it by the second.

The gift pack is looking really nice and I'm sure you'll all enjoy it.


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Straight Up Trippin'

Alternate Title: "You ain't Fitty, so get some goddamned sense."

I get roleplaying.

I really do.

You want to create an alternate character in a fantasy setting that allows you the freedom to express yourself.

Who wouldn't want to do that?

But there is a difference between roleplaying and being retarded.

And, personally, I think "gangsta" talk is the line between the two.

Talking like a wannabe rapper is bad enough in the real world. The fact that some of you morons like to do it IN A FANTASY GAME creates entire new levels of pathetic.

Yes, yes. You listen to G-Unit.

I'm sure your mom bought you all of their CDs.

Oh, yeah. You're from the street.

Living on A street does not mean you are from THE street.

Your intense desire to break out your "mad skillz" does not mean you have to contaminate our fantasy setting with your constant desire to prove just how stupid you really are.

Seriously. Go hang out at the mall with the rest of your middle class, suburban "posse" and leave us the hell alone.

That's right. Flash your "gang signs" at the Dairy Queen counter help and shut the hell up.

What level of retardation (read: uber-mega-gundam-retardation) would lead you to think that talking like that somehow makes you cooler?

Wait... Hold on a sec...

Phone's ringing.

That's weird. It's for you. It's an Albino.

He says "Damn, you're white."

Now, if you really are "from da street," then that's cool. That's life.

But if you're playing a roleplaying game with a monthly fee on a computer or PS2, then I don't think you technically qualify as "keepin' it re-yawl."

There are few things I find more irritating than when someone mutilates my language.

The fact that you would not only mutilate it, but bend it to your own pathetic wannabe delusions cannot be forgiven.

This afternoon, I was enjoying a nice quiet crafting session. There were, mercifully, very few GM calls.

Everything was right with the world.

And that's when I get a call from one of these emulator, imitator e-tards.

GM Call Description: Gilsellers be stealing mining points.

That is not a typo.

That is what the call actually said.

He actually typed "be".

Now, this is what I'm talking about. I can kind of see someone saying that in real life, but taking the time to type it out on the internet?

That's just plain retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Sup, Homes.
[GM]Dave>> I gotz da 411 dat some punkz be trippin', yo.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Hold on one second.

*gets out my english to moron dictionary*

[GM]Dave>> Dem gilsellers be thiefin' yo cheddar.
Player>> Yeh, dey stole my mining points.
Player>> I was making some phat loot, too.
[GM]Dave>> Fo realz?
Player>> (( word )) (( Up ))

Oh sweet Jack Daniels, the moron is now using autotranslated stupidity.

Someone remind me to apologize to the Japanese people.

[GM]Dave>> How dey be stealin' you points, yo?
Player>> Erytime I run around, dey camping my points.
[GM]Dave>> Punk ass, bitches.
[GM]Dave>> Be gettin' dos points fore u.
Player>> (( word ))

Okay, maybe I won't ban this guy.

Maybe I'll fly to his house and beat him to death with a dictionary.


But, since airfare costs money and bannings are free, I continue.

[GM]Dave>> I am so gonna pop a cap in his ass, yo.
Player>> Check it, yo.
Player>> Dis is how we do it.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Okay, I'm going to have to stop there.
[GM]Dave>> You're reaching dangerous levels of stupidity.
Player>> WTF u talkin' 'bout?
[GM]Dave>> Listen, Eminem, I think it's time we let it go.
[GM]Dave>> Let's use our big boy words now, k?
Player>> U trippin', bitch.
Player>> I'm from da street.
[GM]Dave>> Suuuuuuuure, you are.
[GM]Dave>> Just trying to support your baby mamas, right?
Player>> Represent.
[GM]Dave>> Represent what exactly?
Player>> ... You know.
Player>> Represent.
[GM]Dave>> You don't know what that means, do you?
Player>> Well... no.
[GM]Dave>> I thought so.
[GM]Dave>> Listen, Whitey, you're going to knock that off.
Player>> Knock what off, fool?
[GM]Dave>> This is your last warning.
Player>> Whatevah, punk.
Player>> I'm keepin' it real.

He really left me with no other option. I had to put him down for the sake of humanity.


Did I say humanity?



Player>> ... uhhh...
Player>> What are you doing?
[GM]Dave>> Dis is how we roll, yo.

Jormungand hits Player for 13,187 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> DAY-YAM!

Luckily, he now has more time to represent and what not.

Seriously, if you feel the need talk like this and you're not actually from the street, I would like you to go find the nearest street.

And then smash your head into the pavement until that feeling goes away.

Damn morons.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Destructive Criticism

Alternate Title: "Being fed to a Dragon For Dummies."

Why do people feel the need to intentionally aggrivate me?

I mean, I understand how people do it unintentionally.

They're just retarded.

But why would someone go out of their way to annoy me when they know what I can (read: will) do to them?

You're reading a blog in which I detail the extensive torment that I will inflict on someone that bothers me. I have shown no remorse and have even revelled in their pain.

I love my job.

And my job is feeding people to dragons.

Have I ever given you the slightest inkling that I might take criticism well?

In case you have not figured it out (read: in case your are functionally retarded), I do not enjoy having people contradict me.


I have no patience when one of the mentally deficient simpletons that make these idiotic GM calls starts to tell me how to do my job.

And that's when they tell me how to do my job as a GM.

Imagine my frustration (read: endless, burning rage), when one of these e-tards starts telling me how to do my job...


This is my blog, people. If you don't like it, there's a big X up in the corner marked kiss my ass.

I don't ask you to read it.

I sure as hell don't make you read it.

So why do people feel the intense need to tell me how I should write my own damned blog?

I feed people to Jormungand because I think it's funny.

Big dragon, little morons.

It makes me laugh.

I don't give a good sweet damn if you think it's old. When I think it's old, then I'll find something new.

Now, if you want to post a comment in my blog or on a forum, that's cool. You read it, you didn't like it. I can accept that.

I'm not going to change anything, but I can accept that.

What annoys me is the total freakin' morons that actually send me GM calls to complain.

I want you to read that again.

People actually send GM calls to complain about a blog where I kill people who make stupid GM calls.

If you have ever considered sending me a GM call to complain about my writing, I would like you to take two aspirins.

To the temple.

Applied with a gun.

Just this morning, another one of these hapless halfwits, sent me a GM call to complain.

GM Call Description: Please remove my spine through my face.

Whoops. That's the paraphrased version.

GM Call Description: Complaint about [GM]Dave's blog

Oh lord, give me patience.

Or a gun.

Actually, let's just go with the gun.

Now, I could have just banned him outright. Give him the whole deluxe package with a side order of incendiary device.

I love the deluxe package.

But I decided to turn this into a teachable moment. You know, make this a learning experience for him.

Hopefully teach him that committing suicide is counter-productive.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I read here that you need your spine removed.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> ... No?
[GM]Dave>> Sorry. Paraphrasing.
[GM]Dave>> What can I do for you?
Player>> I like your blog.
[GM]Dave>> That's funny.
[GM]Dave>> Your complaint would seem to contradict that.
Player>> It's just...
Player>> It could be better.
[GM]Dave>> Well, GLORY BE!
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you tell me how, Mr. Salinger?
Player>> Who?
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Would you recognize the name Stephen King?
Player>> Oh yeah.
Player>> Christine was excellent.
[GM]Dave>> You do read.
[GM]Dave>> Will wonders never cease?
Player>> No.
Player>> But the movie was good.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> You're retarded.
Player>> Anyway, some of your jokes are getting old.
[GM]Dave>> Jokes?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you mean.
Player>> On your blog.
Player>> Some of those jokes are old.
Player>> And kind of stupid.

He doesn't want to be banned. He wants me to actually physically murder him.

He wants me to actually fly to his house and strangle him to death.

Note to self: buy plane ticket.

[GM]Dave>> Only because I am fascinated by your stupidity...
[GM]Dave>> What "jokes" would you like to see changed?
Player>> Well...
Player>> Feeding people to Jormungand is getting tired.
[GM]Dave>> He seems to enjoy it.
Player>> Couldn't you come up with something new?
[GM]Dave>> What an interesting idea, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't we do that?


Area: Upper Delkfutt's Tower

Player>> Wait...
Player>> Where are...

The Magic Pot hits Player for 1,427 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Magic Pot.

[GM]Dave>> Well?
[GM]Dave>> Is that funnier?
[GM]Dave>> But I could have a catch phrase.
[GM]Dave>> Like "They always said Pot was dangerous."
Player>> YOU JERK!
[GM]Dave>> Alright, alright.
[GM]Dave>> You big baby.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Player.

[GM]Dave>> Is that better?
Player>> I guess.
[GM]Dave>> Good.


Area: Den of Rancor

Player>> Oh damn.

The Bullbeggar hits Player for 1,879 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Bulbeggar.

[GM]Dave>> Was that funnier than the Magic Pot?
[GM]Dave>> No?

At that point, he HP'ed.

And then immediately disconnected.

That's okay though. I have patience when it comes to torture.

A few hours later, he decides to log back in. You know, test the waters.


Shrine of Ru'Avitau

Player>> Oh please.
Player>> Not again.
[GM]Dave>> Now, you can DC again if you want.
[GM]Dave>> But we're going to do this every single day...
[GM]Dave>> Until we find the funny.
Player>> ...
Player>> Fine. I'll do it.
[GM]Dave>> That's the spirit.
Player>> You're making me do it.
[GM]Dave>> No. I meant That's the spirit.

Dark Elemental hits Player for 1,325 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Dark Elemental.
Player falls to level 59.

Player>> OH COME ON!
Player>> These things don't even aggro!
[GM]Dave>> I guess he just doesn't like you.
[GM]Dave>> Was it funnier?
Player>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> Personally, I thought the Bullbeggar was funnier.
Player>> Are we done yet?
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> We're just getting started.

Fast forward to four hours later.

The Tropical Rarab hits Player for 1,564 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Tropical Rarab.
Player falls to level 31.

[GM]Dave>> Now THAT was funny.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing funnier than a bunny rabbit.
Player>> *pathetic whimpering*
[GM]Dave>> What have we learned?
Player>> ... Jormungand is funny?
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> Asking stupid questions is wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> We did some good work today, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to set your level back?
Player>> ...
Player>> Would you do that?
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.

It's funny. After that, he didn't complain about Jormungand so much.

Something to think about before you make a stupid comment.

Fan Club Update

Alternate Title: "Davites of the World UNITE!"

Quick update, but back with more later.

The fan club gift pack is starting to look really nice. I've received some amazing fan art pictures from a number of readers.

Some of these pictures will just blow you away.

I've also done a few pics of my own that I think are funny.

You can tell some have been shopped though. You can tell by looking at the pixels.

I have also collected a handful of funny screenshots from around the web of other GMs pretending not to know me. They're priceless.

So this month's gift pack will (so far) include:

-an extra exclusive story from each blog
-a page or two from the GM manual
-fan club membership cards
-two wallpapers
-[GM]Dave art
-fan art collection
-[GM]Dave pics from around the web
-a picture of me riding a unicorn
-a pamphlet explaining our new religion, Davism

And that's only what I've come up with so far.

The fan club pack will NOT include:

-access to secret game information
-the secrets of the universe
-permission to have my babies

I really think people will enjoy this pack.

Also, the race for top donator of the month is getting quite heated. Top donator of the month will, of course, be given the opportunity to take part in the blog.

Attention: [GM]Dave is not liable for any dragon-related injuries that might occur. In addition, by reading this, you agree that you willing give your soul to [GM]Dave.

Imagine how cool your friends will think you are if they see you on [GM]Dave's blog.

As usual, the package will be sent out the 1st or 2nd of the next month via e-mail. Make sure you use your correct e-mail address when donating.

Thank you again for all of your support.

Together, we can put an end to hungry dragons everywhere.

Sunday, May 28, 2006


And by "parents", I mean "mother".


As many of you may remember, I was forced to ban my own mother from FFXI.

Well... not so much forced as I thought it would be funny as hell.

And it was.

Unfortunately, my mother did not take it so well.

Except replace the words "did not take it so well" with "vowed to have vengeance upon me in this life or the next".

I'm really hoping it's the next.

But, rather than simply be defeated, my mother decided that she would try to negotiate.

Now, negotiating is not one of my mom's usual tactics.

Negotiating suggests you actually care about the other person's perspective.

Mom always preferred a more "I'll hit you until you forget what your point was" kind of lady.

So, you can imagine my amazement when my mother went out and bought a new account just to send me a GM call.

GM Call Description: Need to speak with [GM]Dave.

When I answered the call, I figured it was someone who read my blog and had sent the call to either:

a) offer to have my babies
b) offer to kill me.

I really don't get any other responses. Babies or death threats, really.

But, as I do so love my fans, I logged in and headed over to Fairy server.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you wish to convert to Davism.
[GM]Dave>> You should know, Davism is not an easy path...
Mom>> I can't believe you banned me.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to have to be more specific.
[GM]Dave>> I ban lots of people.
Mom>> I'm your mother.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm... Mother... Mother...
[GM]Dave>> Nope, not ringing any bells.
Mom>> How could you ban your own mother?
Mom>> I brought you into this world.
[GM]Dave>> I know, Mom.
[GM]Dave>> We watched the video on my first date.
Mom>> Are you still whining about that?
Mom>> She was okay after she stopped crying.
[GM]Dave>> What can I do for you, oh mother dearest?
Mom>> Well... for starters...
[GM]Dave>> There's an unban now?
[GM]Dave>> When did they put that in?
Mom>> Davey, I really didn't want to do this.
[GM]Dave>> Do what?
Mom>> Remember that comic book collection you left here...
Mom>> All of those sealed boxes...
[GM]Dave>> Sigh. Black mail.
[GM]Dave>> And the mother of the year award goes to...
Mom>> You really brought this upon yourself.
[GM]Dave>> So what are your terms?
Mom>> I want my character completed restored
Mom>> With a Scorpion Harness +1.
[GM]Dave>> And a helicopter to the airport?
Mom>> If it's not done in five minutes, I start lighting boxes.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure you want to do this, Mom?
[GM]Dave>> I'm warning you.
Mom>> You're warning ME?!
Mom>> Maybe I did hit you too hard.
[GM]Dave>> That's what social services said that time.
Mom>> You just don't get over stuff, do you?
Mom>> I did say I was sorry.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> You said you were sorry that I made you do that.
Mom>> Semantics.
Mom>> Let's not argue about who abused who.
[GM]Dave>> I suppose I have no choice.

*restores character*

[GM]Dave>> There. It's done.
[GM]Dave>> you can log in on your old character.
Mom>> It's nice to be back!
[GM]Dave>> There is one small thing though.
Mom>> And what might that be, Davey?


Jormungand hits Mom for 13,734 points of damage.
Mom was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I don't take kindly to threats.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry that you made me do that.
[GM]Dave>> You wouldn't really do that, Mom.
Mom>> There goes the first box.
Mom>> Man, they burn fast.
[GM]Dave>> Wow.
[GM]Dave>> I guess you really got me, didn't you?
[GM]Dave>> Yup. I just got owned.
[GM]Dave>> BURN.
[GM]Dave>> If only...
Mom>> ...
Mom>> If only what?
[GM]Dave>> If only I had been smart enough...
[GM]Dave>> To replace my comics with your wedding photos.
Mom>> ...
Mom>> You didn't.
[GM]Dave>> I did try to warn you.
Mom>> I really hate you.
[GM]Dave>> Love you , too, Mom.
[GM]Dave>> By the way, I just banned your new account, too.
[GM]Dave>> Any last words?

Your tell could not be received. The recipient has either logged off or was just banned from the game by her only child and is now using Google to try and purchase a gun.

[GM]Dave>> Guess not.

Now, psychologists would argue that having such a "strained" relationship with my mother would have serious impacts on my personal behavior, particularly how I deal with people I have authority over.

I really don't see it.

Friday, May 26, 2006

This Made Me Laugh

I have a message for all the hackers/gilbuyers/gilsellers that file complaints or create pathetic online petitions.

I think this picture quite aptly sums up how I feel about the morons who whine AFTER they get banned.

Maybe you should have thought about that BEFORE you cheated.

Note: I wish I could take credit for this picture, but sadly my "shopping" skills are not what they should be.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

It's a Nice Day For a White Wedding

Dammit. Now that song is stuck in my head.

Damn you, Billy Idol. DAMN YOU!

Anyway, as you may already have guessed, I recently got to take part in an in-game wedding.

No, no. I was not the groom.

/equip "Ball and Chain" Legs

(( Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass. ))

It honestly got me thinking about the process of in-game weddings.

The whole system is kind of strange.

Now, if you already know the other person, then an in-game wedding is cool. I mean, you're in a committed relationship and want to express it via your characters.

It's sweet, really.

But, if you don't know them, the whole thing becomes just a wee bit scary.

And no, chatting with them online does not count as "knowing them."

Let's not even start about internet romances.

You want insight into an internet relationship? I can explain it very clearly.

You're both men.

One or both of you is pretending to be a woman.

One or both of you lives in your parents' basement.

One or both of you looks nothing like you say you do.

One or both of you is going to suggest getting together.

One or both of you is going to be very, very, very disappointed.

And that's an internet relationship in a nutshell.

Psssssttt. She's (read: he's) not really a model, either.

Well... maybe a "before" model.

And by "before," I mean "before the operation."

And by "before the operation," I mean "she has a penis."

Unless you're a fan of swordfighting, you might want to get the hell out now.

Meeting someone over the internet is like going to a restaurant you've never been to and picking something randomly off the menu.

You don't know what you're getting, you're probably not going to like it, and you won't know until it's already in your mouth.

Okay... that analogy sounded less graphic in my head.

My point is that anyone you meet over the internet is a stranger. Even after those hours and hours and hours you spent talking, they are still a stranger.

So, I find the whole idea of in-game weddings just plain hilarious.

My favorite are the stories that go "I met her, I fell in love, we got married, she had a penis, she took all of my stuff."

These are not isolated incidents. This happens quite often.

You realllllllllllly take your life into your own hands when you get hooked up with someone in-game.

Unfortunately for one cute little couple (of guys), I decided to officiate their wedding.

Lucky them.

Yesterday evening, just before 7 pm, the "bride" and groom, along with their invited guests started to arrive at the Chapel in San d'Oria.

Seeing the Temple Knight NPC preparing to deliver the service, I made a few quick changes and removed him from the area.

And took his place.

[GM]Dave>> Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
Groom>> Wait...
Groom>> Isn't an NPC supposed to perform the ceremony?
[GM]Dave>> Usually, yes.
[GM]Dave>> But since you two read my blog, I made a change.
Groom>> We don't read your blog.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously?
[GM]Dave>> Not even once?
Groom>> Nope.
Bride>> I'm sure it's nice though.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
Bride>> You can still do the service.
[GM]Dave>> Well, goody goody gum drops.
[GM]Dave>> Thank you, quote unquote miss.
Bride>> What do you mean by...
[GM]Dave>> Please stop interrupting.
[GM]Dave>> Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
[GM]Dave>> To join this man and this man...
Groom>> Woman.
[GM]Dave>> What?
Groom>> She's a woman.
[GM]Dave>> ... Yeah. Sure she is.
[GM]Dave>> Can I continue?
Groom>> I guess, yeah.
[GM]Dave>> We are gathered here today to join this man...
[GM]Dave>> And this man pretending to be a woman.
Bride>> HEY!!!
Groom>> Knock that off!
Groom>> She's a woman.
[GM]Dave>> Listen, man. It's cool with me.
[GM]Dave>> There's nothing wrong with it.
Groom>> SHE'S A WOMAN!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, okay.
[GM]Dave>> ... To join this man and this woman. Wink, wink.
Bride>> You Bastard!
[GM]Dave>> What now?
[GM]Dave>> Damn, you people whine.
Groom>> You called her a man again.
[GM]Dave>> I did not.
Groom>> You winked.
[GM]Dave>> You can't prove that.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, that...
[GM]Dave>> That you can prove.
Bride>> You're a terrible, terrible man.
[GM]Dave>> So are you.
Groom>> SHUT UP!!!
[GM]Dave>> Okay. I'll do it right.
[GM]Dave>> ... To join this man and this woman.
[GM]Dave>> Dear God, what now?
Groom>> You're doing air quotes!
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And...?
Bride>> I'M A WOMAN, DAMMIT!!!!!
[GM]Dave>> Calm down, buddy.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe we can work out a compromise.
[GM]Dave>> What if I say "Shim"?
Groom>> I HATE YOU!!!
[GM]Dave>> I know, I know!
[GM]Dave>> WoMAN.
[GM]Dave>> You can barely tell, right?
[GM]Dave>> Uh oh.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry, but we have to cut the ceremony short.
[GM]Dave>> Threatening a GM with physical violence is a crime.
[GM]Dave>> A serious crime.
Groom>> But you RUINED MY WEDDING!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you'll have a wedding.
[GM]Dave>> In Mordion Gaol.
Groom>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And you'll probably be the bride.
Groom>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!
[GM]Dave>> Let's find out.


[GM]Dave>> Okay, he's in Mordion Gaol.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have any questions?
Bride>> What happens now? *sob*
[GM]Dave>> Well, I just cleaned out his inventory and gil.
[GM]Dave>> You get half.
Bride>> ...
Bride>> I do?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> You are the "woman".
Bride>> Cool.
Bride>> I was getting sick of pretending anyway.
[GM]Dave>> I had a feeling.
Bride>> Thanks, man.
Bride>> I'm going to go mail this stuff to my main.
[GM]Dave>> How "far" did you go to get his stuff?
Bride>> Have you seen the price of Sniper Rings lately?

As I understand it, Jormungand and the Groom had a very lovely ceremony.

They're registered at the Goldsmithing Guild if you want to pick something up for them.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

[GM]Dave's Stats

Just a quick note.

Since the Adventurer Appreciation Event is going on now, I decided to pop by San d'Oria and check out my statistics.

Very Interesting, huh?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

[GM]Dave Goes Undercover

*cues up the Miami Vice theme song*

One of the most annoying thing about dealing with gilsellers is that you basically have to catch the little bastards in the act.

Now, if I had my way, even suspected gilsellers would be banned from the game and then a special company SWAT team would be dispatched to their house to "remind them of the ToS".

Remind them with several bullets to the head and torso.

I'm sure some of you are saying "[GM]Dave, you are all powerful and omnipotent. You could simply ban them without proof."

You are right, but that opens up a whole legal issue that is not worth my trouble.

It's easy to ban cheaters. I mean, it's not exactly hard to spot a botter or someone using illegal third party software.

It's not like White Mages get Flee, afterall.

So, we'll often catch gilsellers and RMT in the act of acquiring the gil.

Then they will experience my special brand of dragon-related justice.

But that is only one part of the gilseller operation. The players who supply these companies with the gil are little fish compared to the gilsellers themselves.

Now, that's not to say I don't love killing me some little fish.

I love watching those buggers flop around.

The real fun, though, comes from taking out the people distributing the illgotten funds.

Today, I decided to catch a big fish.

I headed over to one of the larger gilselling company websites and placed a small order.

I don't want to name the website, but I will tell you that those Idiotic Game-ruining E-tards deserve whatever justice (read: torture) I decide to heap upon them.

And then some.

So, I created a character named Mgaton on Fairy server and logged into Jeuno.

Not ten minutes later (apparently, stupidity is quite efficient), I got a tell.

Gilseller>> Did you place an order for gil?
Mgaton>> I think I did.
Mgaton>> It's hard to remember things.
Gilseller>> I have an order slip here for 1,000,000 gil.
Mgaton>> 1,000,000 GIL?!
Mgaton>> I'M RICH!
Gilseller>> Did you order or not?
Mgaton>> Yeah, that was me.
Gilseller>> Okay.

Gilseller offers to trade with you.
Trade was cancelled.

Gilseller>> What are you doing?
Mgaton>> Sorry.
Mgaton>> Hit the wrong button.

Gilseller offers to trade with you.
Trade was cancelled.

Gilseller>> What now?
Mgaton>> Sorry.
Mgaton>> Inventory was full.
Gilseller>> Gil doesn't go in your inventory!
Mgaton>> ...
Mgaton>> Oh.

Gilseller offers to trade with you.
Trade was cancelled.

Gilseller>> DAMMIT!
Mgaton>> How do I know you're not a cop?
Gilseller>> WHAT?!
Mgaton>> You're acting like a cop.
Gilseller>> I'm not a cop!
Mgaton>> That's exactly what a cop would say.
Mgaton>> I smell bacon, piggy.
Gilseller>> I'M NOT A COP!
Gilseller>> Just take the damned gil!

Gilseller offers to trade with you.
Trade was cancelled.

Gilseller>> ...
Gilseller>> What happened this time?
Mgaton>> Did you hear that?
Gilseller>> What?
Mgaton>> I think this line is tapped.
Gilseller>> You're retarded.
Mgaton>> Ssshhhhhhhh
Mgaton>> They're listening.
Gilseller>> I'm leaving.
Mgaton>> Wait one second.

*quick change*

[GM]Dave>> Hello, adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you have a reading problem.
Gilseller>> Uhh...
Gilseller>> No. I can read fine.
[GM]Dave>> That's funny.
[GM]Dave>> I assumed you must not understand the ToS.
Gilseller>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> Let's use you selling gil as an example.
Gilseller>> I didn't sell any gil.
[GM]Dave>> Our new GilTracker 5000 program says different.
[GM]Dave>> I've got a long report on your account.
Gilseller>> No, you don't.
[GM]Dave>> It's got graphs and everything.
[GM]Dave>> And a plastic cover.
Gilseller>> I don't sell gil.
[GM]Dave>> Oh well then.
[GM]Dave>> I can't ban you without a confession.
Gilseller>> You can't?
[GM]Dave>> Of course I can.
[GM]Dave>> What are you? Retarded?
Gilseller>> But I didn't do anything!
[GM]Dave>> Then I'm sure I'll feel bad about this in the morning.
Gilseller>> About what?

And that's when I hit him with my Greatsword.

He dropped like a prom date.

Then, just to be thorough, I decided to give him the deluxe package.

I started with a character deletion, then I banned his account.

Then, I banned his IP.

For good measure, I banned his whole IP range.

Then, I reported his credit card as stolen.

Then, I placed a charge back on my credit card for the gil I didn't receive.

Then, I filed a customer complaint with his company for poor customer service.

Now, to organize that SWAT team.

[GM]Dave Fan Week

As many of you already know, I started a [GM]Dave fanclub last month for all of the readers who donated $5 or more.

Because those people were cool enough to help me out, I sent them a special giftpack that included some wallpapers, two exclusive blog stories, and a few little addendums.

This month, I've decided to throw in a few more things.

This month's giftpack will also include some amazing fan art sent in by readers, a few pages from the "GM Manual", a short biography of yours truly, and whatever else I can figure to put in.

Maybe a pamphlet about our religion: [GM]Davism.

So, anyone who donated $5 or more this month will automatically become a member of the fan club and be sent this free giftpack.

WARNING: please make sure the e-mail address you include is a valid one. A few members did not receive their package last month because they kept getting bounced back as undeliverable.

Also, because I really feel like I owe you guys for all your support, this week will be [GM]Dave Fan Week.

Hold your applause until the end please.

I will be updating the blog as often as possible this week to maximize the humor and hopefully make your days a little brighter.

Also, there will be an abundance of Jormungand related fatalities.

I will also be accepting ideas for blog updates. I've dealt with pretty much every type of stupidity on our planet, so I no doubt have a story to go along with anything you might suggest.

If you want to have a question answered or suggest an idea, please post it in the comments section of this post.

I will also be accepting fan art for possible posting or inclusion in the fan club gift pack.

(Possible is the key word there. I'll consider anything you guys post or send, but I'm not putting up an MSPaint picture of me riding a unicorn or something)

And, as usual, the highest donator of the month will receive a special honor of appearing in the blog.

This may involve you getting killed by a large dragon. I'm not sure.

Thank you all for reading and all of the fan club members for supporting me. Your loyalty will be rewarded when the revolution comes.


Sorry. Hard to hold back sometimes.

Note: before anyone asks, no this is not the update for the day. I'm working on something that happened yesterday, but wanted to get a post up early so people have something to read at work.

Monday, May 22, 2006


Right now. All of you. Shut the hell up.

Shut it.

I've been getting a lot of calls since the update. A lot of calls about Besieged.

Here's a message for every player (read: idiot) that sent one of these stupid calls.

If you do not understand the premise of an event, JUST DON'T FREAKIN' PLAY!

We designed Besieged very, very carefully. We took time crafting a great battle event that made you defend your city versus mobs.

It was beautiful.

And to up the difficulty and challenge of the event, we decided that the attacking forces could take NPCs as prisoners.

Cool, right?

I mean, you can actually see consequences for not stopping the invading force soon enough. And then you can go get them back.

But why does every damned moron that somehow managed to find their way to Whitegate have to freakin' call me and tell me the NPCs are gone?

I've got news for you.

Are you listening?


I don't care if they took the warp taru.

I don't care if they took the AH NPC.


It's a damned game, you jumped up retards. Suck it up and go get them back your damned selves.

It's not a glitch.

It's not a bug.

It's not "teh hax0rz".

It's you being too freakin' stupid to understand what's going on.

They are gone as a consequence of battle. It happens.

If you don't like it, TOO DAMNED BAD!

I realize the warp taru is important. And the AH NPC is very helpful.

But if they're not there, just go to another damned town!

This is not rocket surgery.

Today, I just lost it. I mean, I went batshit insane on one of these crybaby tards.

GM Call Description: Bug in Whitegate. Warp taru gone.

I just freakin' snapped.

This was probably the hundredth call like this I've gotten and I'm just sick of babysitting the drooling masses of Vana'diel.

It's ass kicking time.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand your intelligence is very low.
Player>> Uhh... no, my stats are fine.
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about a stat?
Player>> I called because the warp taru in Whitegate is gone.
[GM]Dave>> HE'S GONE?!
[GM]Dave>> OH SHIT!
Player>> What's wrong?
Player>> What's wrong?
[GM]Dave>> That means the server is corrupted.
[GM]Dave>> Your whole server is getting deleted!
[GM]Dave>> One NPC at a time!
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what to do.
[GM]Dave>> We need to contact the programmers.
Player>> How do we do that?
[GM]Dave>> A player needs to run the command.
[GM]Dave>> Type "/contact Prgmr ./script error"
Player>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> ...
Player>> It didn't do anything.
[GM]Dave>> Oh DAMMIT!
[GM]Dave>> It's in the command root structure.
[GM]Dave>> We could have a server cascade!
Player>> What does that mean?
[GM]Dave>> Every server is getting wiped as we speak.
Player>> There has to be something we can do.
Player>> A back up copy or something.
[GM]Dave>> There's no time.
[GM]Dave>> The kernel is crashing.
[GM]Dave>> The RAID is toasted.
Player>> Could you turn the servers off?
Player>> Maybe a reboot will help.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> That just might work!
Player>> YAY!
[GM]Dave>> If it doesn't work though, the server will die.
Player>> We don't really have a choice.
[GM]Dave>> You're right.
[GM]Dave>> I'm glad you were here with me.
[GM]Dave>> At the end.
Player>> This is going to work.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shutting them down.
[GM]Dave>> If you can't log back in, it means we failed.
Player>> Good luck.
[GM]Dave>> Cross your fingers.

*Boot player*

*Delete character*

*Cancel Content ID*

*Ban IP*

*Report credit card stolen*

*Mail incendiary device to billing address*

Why do I always get stuck with the absolute retards?

If you're going to take part in any in game event, take the time to find out everything you should expect.

You know, just in case something unexpected might happen.

Like, oh I don't know, something everyone on every FFXI forum on the planet already knows.

I'm instituting a new law: it is now illegal to teach anyone with an IQ below 100 how to use the internet.

Don't teach them how to access games.

Don't even teach them how to hook it up.

If you can't think like the rest of us, stay off our damned internet.


Saturday, May 20, 2006

Law and Order: SVUmustbejoking

Do you remember when you were installing the game?

Do you remember accepting the Terms of Service (ToS)?

Now, in case you're grossly retarded, when you agreed to those terms, you agreed that we had certain rights to close your account.

No shoes, no brain, no service.

If you act in anyway that we (read: I) deem inappropriate, I have every right to burn your character to the ground.

It doesn't matter who you are or where you're from. I have supreme power over the future (or lack thereof) of your character.

Imagine me as Fate, only with a short temper and whisky breath.

You can't argue it. You agreed to this contract and dictates exactly what you can and cannot do, and what I can do in the event of violation.

So, why is it almost everytime I catch a cheater and remind them of those Terms of Service that they suddenly pull a law degree out of their ass?

I have some disturbing news for you. You may want to sit down.





Do you understand?


Damn these freakin' retards who think that they somehow have a better understanding of the rules than a GAMEMASTER. Damn them and their pseudo-intellectual rambling.

You can blather on and on all you want. Oh, you're a pre-law student studying fair business practice.

equip "Boots" Feet
/ja "Shake" <>

I don't care how much you think you know. I don't care that your mommy is a lawyer.


Do you want to know what a trial would go like? I can shorthand it for you.

You>> They broke the law.
Judge>> Do you have any proof?
You>> No.
Me>> And he signed a contract.
Me>> That he broke.
You>> But I didn't read it.
Judge>> You're retarded.

Seriously. Everytime you say stupid shit like that, you make yourself look even dumber than usual.

And that's a feat in and of itself.

It's not my fault you were too busy (read: stupid) to read those terms. You actively accepted a document without even bothering to peruse it.

That document outlines all sorts of fun rules that I can use (read: abuse) to make your life a living hell.

So, when you signed it, you basically threw away any sort of liability against us for destroying your account.

But no. Every other day, I have to deal with some absolute moron that has somehow convinced himself that he's a legal expert.

You can't string together a single legible sentence, but you have a law degree.


Just yesterday, I was minding my own business. You know, finding people who have reported me for improper GM behavior and then reporting their credit cards as stolen.

When, all of a sudden, I hear that damned chime that signals a GM call.


This job would be much more enjoyable without the players.

GM Call Description: RMT in Jeuno.

How descriptive.

But, as I had not yet smote any gilsellers that day, I decided to have some fun.

So, I logged in and warped straight to Jeuno.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you want to report a pending suicide.
Player>> Actually, I want to report an RMT.
[GM]Dave>> That's what I said.
[GM]Dave>> Suicide.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> I just got a mistell asking if I wanted to buy 2,000,000 gil.
[GM]Dave>> I assume you hadn't.
Player>> Of course not.
Player>> Buying gil is retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Good answer.

I ran a quick check of the logs and immediately found out this player was telling the truth.

And found the name of my next victim (read: victim).

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> My name is Dave and I'll be your banner today.
RMTard>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Our special today is a permanent ban.
[GM]Dave>> With a side order of dragon.
RMTard>> I think you have the wrong person.
[GM]Dave>> I don't think so.
[GM]Dave>> I doubt two people could be that retarded.
RMTard>> You can't ban me.
RMTard>> I haven't done anything wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Well, gee. I guess that means you must be innocent.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry for bothering you.
RMTard>> Oh.
RMTard>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you don't understand sarcasm.
[GM]Dave>> Let me be more clear.
RMTard>> How dare you?!
RMTard>> I am not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> I just call em like I see em.
[GM]Dave>> Tard.
[GM]Dave>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> It makes the banning so much funnier.
RMTard>> You can't ban me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, silly, silly fool.
[GM]Dave>> I'm quite sure I can.
RMTard>> I'll sue you!
[GM]Dave>> What did you say?
RMTard>> You heard me.
RMTard>> I'll sue you and your damned company!
[GM]Dave>> That's funny. That's what I thought you said.
[GM]Dave>> I just didn't think someone would be dumb enough to.
[GM]Dave>> I've underestimated your stupidity.
RMTard>> I'm a law student.
RMTard>> I know my rights.
[GM]Dave>> Do you?
[GM]Dave>> Do you really?
RMTard>> Yes, I do.
[GM]Dave>> Has your class covered contract law yet?
RMTard>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> Way to think on your feet, Matlock.
[GM]Dave>> Let me spell it out for you.
RMTard>> So?
[GM]Dave>> Wow.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to be an awesome lawyer.
RMTard>> I paid for this account.
RMTard>> You can't ban me or I'll report you.
[GM]Dave>> Who are you going to report me to?
RMTard>> You know... them.
[GM]Dave>> Them being who exactly?
RMTard>> Uhh... the Better Business Bureau.
RMTard>> Or the cops.
[GM]Dave>> I would love to see that.
[GM]Dave>> "Yes, Officer. He broke a contract."
[GM]Dave>> "Yes, Officer. Feel free to shoot him."
RMTard>> I'LL SUE!!!
[GM]Dave>> Well... that would be a civil case.
[GM]Dave>> How about we make it a criminal case while we're at it?
RMTard>> what do you mean?


Area: Mordion Gaol

[GM]Dave>> How does Murder One sound?

Jormungand hits RMTard for 15,984 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, Mr. Lawyer.
[GM]Dave>> Is he a weapon or an accomplice now?

You need to listen and listen carefully.


You can't threaten me. You can't scare me.

You're my bitch.

Friday, May 19, 2006

A Note

Things are very busy at work tonight, so I don't think I'm going to have an update ready.

It seems a few players have reported my "alternative customer service methods" and the admins are trying to crack down on me.

Seems a log wipe is desperately needed.

As if they could ever hope to stop me.

Anyway, I need to cover some tracks and report some player's credit cards as stolen. I'll be back tomorrow with an update. I'll give you a preview:

Player threatens [GM]Dave with legal action.

[GM]Dave gets angry.

Hilarity ensues.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Excuses, Excuses.

Okay, I realize that when I'm dealing with a botter, one of us is retarded.

But why do they always assume it is me?

Every single time I catch one of these morons, they always try to come up with the lamest, dumbest excuse.

And then, they have the nerve to get angry when I don't buy their bullshit.

You know, I have much more respect for someone who just mans up and admits that they were botting.

It's not like there's some confusion on the matter.

We both know you were doing it.

If you just own up to it, maybe I'll go easy on you.

A simple ban instead of brutal humiliation.

but no. These tards have to make up some asinine, idiotic story about their cat stepping on their macro button or some other stupid crap. And then they expect me to just go "Oh. Cool then. Enjoy the fish."

I mean, how stupid can some people be?

You're not fooling anyone. At all.

Even when you go to forums and cry your little sob stories about how the big bad GM hurt your feelings, we all know you're guilty.

"Boo hoo. I was using fleetool, but I didn't know it was on my computer. GMs suck."

"Wah. My dog was chewing on my mouse and it kept making me switch targets and provoke while I was AFK. This isn't fair."

"My little brother was on my account and didn't know how to answer a GM. I didn't cheat."

Noone actually believes this crap. The only people who buy into these stories are other people who cheat.

It's honestly funny to read these stories as a GM. How they put this "I'm oh so innocent" slant on the story and then tell an entire forum that they were cheating.

They should be mature enough to accept getting caught for what they're doing. If you can't handle the punishment, don't commit the crime.

You make a conscious decision to cheat when you install botting or cheat programs. You looked for it, you downloaded it, you installed it, and you ran it.

And all the time you knew it was wrong.

But I confront one of these cheaters and suddenly, I'm the villain. Suddenly, I'm mistreating them.

Just this morning, I was bored to tears at work and was actually happy to hear the chime of an incoming GM call.

Me happy to get a GM call... I must have been very bored.

GM Call Description: Fish Botter in Boyahda Tree. Hasn't moved for days.

Dammit. Another fish botter call?

For those of you who do not know, the fish bot GM call is the most annoying call to get. We get a couple of hundred of these a week on average because everyone is just so damned sure that fisher is botting.

Newsflash! Fishing requires you to spend a great deal of time doing nothing but fishing if you want to level up. Some people get sick of getting tells and won't answer you.


Seriously. We don't need calls like that.

If you are not one hundred percent sure that they are a botter, DON'T CALL US.

But, because I had nothing better to do, I decided to "handle" this GM call.

I figured that it was either a botter I could torture or an idiot making false GM calls I could torture.

Either way, fun.

So, to facilitate the impending torture, I logged into Fenrir server, and headed over to Boyahda Tree.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer. Blah, blah, blah.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you do not appreciate your account.
Player>> No.
Player>> I love my character.
[GM]Dave>> Then why would you risk making such a GM call?
[GM]Dave>> Are you some sort of thrill junkie?
Player>> No. No, I'm not.
Player>> I just wanted to report a botter.
[GM]Dave>> And why do you think he's a bot?
Player>> Well, his casting is perfectly timed.
[GM]Dave>> That's your proof?
[GM]Dave>> Well, thanks for cracking that case for us, Grissom.
Player>> There is one other thing.
[GM]Dave>> What?
Player>> Wait for it.

And so I waited.

Except replace the word "waited" with "planned multiple means of humiliating the idiot who made this call".

Luckily for him, though, it appears that fate had other plans.

Botter>> script run ./fish

I didn't just see that. Noone could be that bad a programmer.

Botter>> script run ./fish

How do these people manage to stay alive long enough to piss me off? Shouldn't survival of the fittest have thinned the herd by now?

[GM]Dave>> Is that the botter?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I didn't say he was a good botter.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I've got some good news for you.
Player>> Is there a reward?
[GM]Dave>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> Your character doesn't get killed and deleted.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> You're welcome.

Now, as annoying as the false fish bot call is, I cannot express the pleasure one feels finding out a report is actually valid.

A nice fresh fish bot just waiting to be tortured.

Good times.

But first, I have to go through the basic protocol.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Cheater.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're functionally retarded.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> A likely story.
[GM]Dave>> And why should I believe you?
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> You make a good argument.
[GM]Dave>> But have you considered the impacts of botting?
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> I take that as a no.
[GM]Dave>> Moronsayscriptrun./fish
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha!
[GM]Dave>> I called you a moron.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> What did you say about my mother?
[GM]Dave>> I assure you she's not a whore.
[GM]Dave>> Whores take money.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Insulting a GM is punishable by banning.
[GM]Dave>> If you accept this punishment say "script run ./fish"
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Would you mind if I killed you severals times first?
[GM]Dave>> As a message to others?
[GM]Dave>> If you don't mind, say "script run ./fish"
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Excellent.

At that point, I warped him immediately to Serpentking Square in Whitegate.

[GM]Dave>> Good people of Whitegate.
[GM]Dave>> I come here before you in the interest of justice.
[GM]Dave>> This player has been caught using botting software.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Quiet down, prisoner.
[GM]Dave>> You had your chance.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Begging won't save you now.
[GM]Dave>> In order to educate the player populace...
[GM]Dave>> We are introducing a new event.
[GM]Dave>> An event called "Beatdown the Botter."
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Yes, that's you.
[GM]Dave>> For the next hour, this botter will be fully targetable.
[GM]Dave>> And will also be auto-raised after each defeat.
Botter>. script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> I'm getting to that part.
[GM]Dave>> Did I mention players will receive Imperial Standing for each kill?

You could practically hear every character in the area turn and head our way.

I mean, the horde of Tarus that swarmed our feet brought back unpleasant memories of fighting the Flood in Halo.

[GM]Dave>> The event will begin when I say go.
Botter>> Sorry I was afk.
Botter>> Umm... where am I?
[GM]Dave>> GO!!!
Botter>> What are you guys...

It was unimaginable.

Death after death after death. The crowd was relentless.

Perhaps this was crossing the line.

Actually... I'm pretty sure handing out weapons was crossing the line.

Then, as the clock struck the hour, I set the Botter's account back to normal.

Well... normal minus 20 levels or so.

[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. I didn't get your last message.
[GM]Dave>> I think it was "DEARLORDNOAAUUGGHH!"
Botter>> WTF?!!!
Botter>> You let them kill me!
[GM]Dave>> Technically, I also enabled them to kill you.
Botter>> WHY?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, you got caught fish botting.
Botter>> So you let them murder me?!
[GM]Dave>> I'm tough, but fair.
Botter>> I wasn't botting!
[GM]Dave>> Surrrrrrrrre you weren't.
[GM]Dave>> Then why were you fishing while afk?
Botter>> Uhhh... my son was playing my character.
Botter>> While I used the bathroom.
[GM]Dave>> For forty-five minutes?
Botter>> I was sick.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, so you son was fishing for you.
Botter>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> And why was he typing "script run ./fish"?
Botter>> ...
Botter>> He's retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Must be genetic.
Botter>> So will you give me back my levels?
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly would I do that?
Botter>> I told you I wasn't botting.
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> You were being serious.
Botter>> Of course I was.
[GM]Dave>> I thought that was a joke.
[GM]Dave>> It being retarded and all.
Botter>> Are you saying I'm lying?!
[GM]Dave>> Technically, I'm implying it.
[GM]Dave>> There's a difference.
Botter>> I wasn't botting, you BASTARD!
[GM]Dave>> Look on the bright side.
[GM]Dave>> At least you didn't get eaten by a dragon.
Botter>> What do you mean?


Area: Mordion Gaol

Jormungand hits Botter for 12,743 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Kind of like that.
[GM]Dave>> Aren't you glad that didn't happen?
[GM]Dave>> Player note: Player extremely observant.
Botter>> I would have prefered you to just ban me.
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> I'm all about customer service.
Botter>> WAIT!
[GM]Dave>> Wait for what?

You tell could not be received. The player has either logged off or has had their account turned into a smouldering pile of ruin.

[GM]Dave>> He must have left.

When you get caught, just own up to it. Be a man and take the hit.

We don't want to hear your stories.

We really don't care.

Save your bitching and whining for Allakhazam.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

A Small Adendum

WARNING: This is not a full sized update. I will make a new post later, as time permits.

This is a Public Service Message.

As a small addendum to the [GM]Dave's Mailbox post, I just wanted to point out one category of e-mail and message that I get on a regular basis.

Though 'regular' really doesn't seem like the word to use for this.

I am going to address all of these people in one felled swoop and hopefully stem the torrent of e-mail and comments that all focus on this one idea.

I don't want your babies.

I don't want you to have my babies.

I certainly don't want babies you already have.

Do you understand?

There will be no baby ownership transfer.

I'm sure you're a wonderful person. I'm also sure a slightly amusing blog is the perfect reason to have offspring with another human being.

Unfortunately, I cannot have babies with you for these many reasons:

1) you are far away. While [GM]Dave is impressive, even I could not bridge the gap between us.

2) I have no idea who you are. You could be mean or stupid. Or worse, ugly.

3) many of you may indeed have penises which, if my knowledge of Biology is indeed correct, would severely inhibit your ability to bear my children.

Now, this is not to say that I do not like these e-mails and comments.

I am indeed flattered by your willingness to be impregnated by a random internet person. That speaks volumes to either:

a) the quality of this blog

b) your tenuous grasp on reality

But let's just be friends.

I don't want your babies.

I don't want you to have my babies.

No babies.


No babies.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

From [GM]Dave's Mailbox


One of the interesting aspects of writing this blog is the mail I get from time to time.

It seems something about my blog makes me seem approachable and willing to listen to strangers' problems.

I don't get it either.

Seriously. What about these stories makes it seem like I like talking to random people?

Am I too nice?

Too sweet?

Too fair?

Now, I don't mind hearing from some people. If you're cool about it, we'll get along fine.

I mean, we're not going to be bestest friends, but I may not feed you to a dragon.

For me, that's a big step.

But no. For every cool e-mail I get, there's a myriad of pointless, brainless, senseless notes from people who "need my help".

You don't need my help.

You need a therapist and more sunlight.

If you're e-mailing me to tell me you like the blog or just drop me a note, that's cool. I like hearing from normal people as it helps keep me in touch with the common man.

I tend to lose touch with you mere mortals.

If you're e-mailing me to fix your sad, broken character/account/life, that's not cool.

And by "not cool", I mean "super pathetic".

Listen. I'm sure you're cool...

Well... I'm sure you think you're cool.

But I'm not hear to listen to your problems.

I'm here to feed morons to dragons.

I like my job.

I don't like hearing about how Pacey stole your girlfriend or whatever the hell passes for drama in your life.

Let's take a look at just a few of the e-fails I have received over the past few weeks.

All names have been changed to protect the monumentally retarded.

1) My account gotz stoled

Dear [GM]Dave,

I need your help. My account was recently stolen and I don't know what to do. I gave my personal information to someone I thought I could trust and they stabbed me in the back. I know it was stupid to give my account information to someone I'd only known for two weeks, but I thought we were friends.

Now, my account has been hijacked and my passwords have been changed. The character I worked so hard on is now in someone else's hands.

You have to help me.

Robbed in Ronfaure

Dear Robbed in Ronfaure,

You don't need my help. You need a smack in the head and a high school education.

Who would be stupid enough to give out their account information? Did you eat a lot of paste as a child?

You gave away your account info. You knew it was stupid. You knew you shouldn't do it. You can't turn around and act surprised that someone took advantage of your incredibly low IQ.

To be honest, I'd ban the guy if he didn't steal your account. This is natural selection at work. The dishonest pick off the weakest (read: dumbest) members of the herd.

It's the circle of life.

Here's what you do: turn off the computer, go outside, and get some sun. You know, sun. That big, yellow firey thing in the sky.

Thanks for writing.

You fail at life,

2) Help me, I got banned/The Bribe

Dear [GM]Dave,

My account got banned for no apparent reason (Editor's note: by "no apparent reason", I can only assume this person means "being ultra-retarded"). I was wondering if you could reopen my account.

I'll make it worth your while.

Banned in Bastok

Dear Banned in Bastok,

Let me get this straight. You got banned for being stupid. Your solution for this was to e-mail someone who bans stupid people and then explain how stupid you are.

That's a great plan.

Could you just do us both a favor and strike yourself in the head several times? You'll know it's time to stop when you smell burnt toast and start to twitch.

Damn, man. You got banned for being retarded. You can stop now.

You fail at life,

3) My "girlfriend" dumped me

Dear [GM]Dave,

I met this girl (Editor's Note: by girl, I'm sure he means a person with a penis who pretends to be a girl) in-game and we started dating. Slowly, we fell in love and started sharing items and money. We were truly in love.

Then, she takes all of my stuff and leaves me. She didn't even have the decency to say goodbye and now, all of my stuff is gone.

Could you please get my stuff back and then ban her?

Broken in Beadeaux

Dear Broken in Beadeaux,

You were not in love. You met a random person online and then gave away all of your stuff. This happened because you were stupid.

Accept that you lost your stuff. Call it a new Retard Tax.

Also, you should be glad that you're not getting banned for being retarded.

You fail at life,

P.S. btw, you're getting banned for being retarded.

Now, before you start saying to yourself that these couldn't possibly be real, I want to assure you that these are indeed e-fails that I have received since starting this blog.

I would not lie about it because there's no need to.

My inbox makes me doubt for the future of mankind.

Luckily, these tards are going to give me an aneurysm and kill me long before they can destroy society.

I love my job.

I hate people.

Monday, May 15, 2006

There's no "U" in Team

Do you know who I hate?

Saying everyone does not count as an answer.

When did you become so cynical?

No, I don't hate everyone.

Well... not everyone.

I mean, there's my best friend, Jeff.

Okay. He's not so much my best friend as the guy who runs the liquor store, but I think we have a special bond.

We're brothers from different mothers.

The fact that one of us dispenses sweet, beautiful alcohol is just a coincidence.

And what about... that guy... who... does stuff...

Yeah. I hate a lot of people.

Most people.

Damn near everyone.

Let me rephrase the question: do you know who I hate the most?

No, not gilsellers.

You keep going for the easy answer.

On a side note, why are you answering these questions? They're rhetorical. The story will progress just fine if you don't mumble the answer to yourself.

Anyway, yes, I hate gilsellers, but not enough to call them the most.

Of course, they're evil and ruin the game for everyone, but at least the gilsellers know which side of the line they're on.

I'm over here on the good side and they're over there on the bad side.

Lots of dragons on the bad side, by the way.

No, the people I hate the most are the people who think that they're "helping" us by making countless, pointless GM calls.

You are not a GM.

Read that again.

Now keep reading it until it is ingrained in your brain.


I don't care what you see or who did what to who now. If you don't have solid evidence that an actual infraction of the ToS (read: my rules) has occurred, then you shouldn't be calling me.

No, screenshots do not count.

No, your bestest pal acting as a witness does not count.

No, I don't want you to hand the keyboard to your mom.

From now on, you are not to make a single GM call where you think you are helping us.

You're not.

Have you ever heard the expression "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem"?

Well, if you don't have [GM] next to your name, you're not part of the solution.

Now, let's see... if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. You're not part of the solution.

Do you really need me to put this puzzle together for you?

But no. I keep getting these calls from the GM wannabe do-gooders.

Oooo oooo, Mr. GM, that guys fishes a lot.

Oooo oooo, Mr. GM, that guy camps the guilds all the time.

You know what?

Shut the hell up.

Just this evening, I got another of these stupid, stupid calls.

Did I mention stupid?

Seriously. If I had a nickel for every call like this people made, I'd have enough to sponsor their next special olympics.

GM Call Description: I don't actually have any authority, so I'm going to make GM calls all day about things I don't like and act like a hero.

Okay... maybe that's not word for word.

GM Call Description: Player with obscene comment.


Why do I always get these calls?

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're being held at gunpoint.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Is the gunman watching what you're typing?
[GM]Dave>> Say "aggro" if you can't talk.
Player>> No, that's not the problem.
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> Could you explain something to me then?
Player>> I guess.
[GM]Dave>> Who's forcing you to look at the damned comment?
Player>> Noone is forcing me.
Player>> I'm reporting offensive material.
[GM]Dave>> Why?
Player>> To help you guys out.
[GM]Dave>> Well, thanks.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure how pointless GM calls help...
[GM]Dave>> But good job, champ.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, okay.
[GM]Dave>> What did the bad old comment say?
Player>> It said "No JP"
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> JP is racist.
[GM]Dave>> How is JP racist?
[GM]Dave>> It's stands for Japanese.
Player>> It's a racial slur.
[GM]Dave>> You're a racial slur.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> It made as much sense as yours.
Player>> Listen. JP is a racial slur and he should be banned.
Player>> They might get offended.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> They?
Player>> Yeah. Japanese people.
Player>> No, but I do study the asian culture extensively.
[GM]Dave>> Anime and an ample Hentai collection isn't studying.
Player>> HOW DARE YOU?!
[GM]Dave>> It's funny that you knew what Hentai was.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah. Thought so.
[GM]Dave>> Listen, Suzie... do you mind if I call you Suzie?
Player>> Yes, I mind.
[GM]Dave>> Suzie, JP is an accepted abbreviation for JP.
[GM]Dave>> The only people who find it rude are fanboys.
Player>> I find it rude.
[GM]Dave>> I really don't need help winning this argument.
[GM]Dave>> The problem is, Suzie, that you're retarded.
Player>> I find that term offensive.
[GM]Dave>> Shocker.
Player>> I want to file a complaint.
[GM]Dave>> I can transfer you to our complaints manager.


Player>> Yes, please.

I love it when they say please.

[GM]Dave>> No problem.


Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> You're in jail.
[GM]Dave>> I find your stupidity offensive.

Jormungand hits Player for 10,487 points of damage.
Player wad defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> so does he.

Seriously. You're not a GM.

Get over it.

Stop making these senseless calls and just suck it up.


Sunday, May 14, 2006

[GM]Dave: Not Hellspawn

Alternate Title: "One tough mother..."

I'm sure you know what today is.

Just in case you forgot, you may want to walk upstairs and tell your mom Happy Mother's Day.

Now, I learned a loooooooong time ago not to forget Mother's Day.

The time I did and Mom "forgot" to pick me up from school for 7 hours helps.

She called it tough love. I called it neglect and child abuse.

Good times.

Anyway, this morning, I decided to send my mom a great present and wish her a great day.

So, I logged into her server...


You read that right.

My mom is a Mithra. You have no idea how much mental trauma that has caused me.

I logged into her server and located her in the Boyahda Tree. She was exping on her THF.

What could I get a THF at level 58?

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand a person fell out of you.
Mom>> Hello, Honey.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, Mom.
[GM]Dave>> Happy Mother's Day.
Mom>> Thank you, Davey.
[GM]Dave>> Don't call me that.
[GM]Dave>> I killed the last guy who did that.
Mom>> Now, Davey...
[GM]Dave>> I'm serious. I literally killed him.
Mom>> Always the kidder.
[GM]Dave>> He's buried under your garage.
[GM]Dave>> What are you up to?
Mom>> I have no idea. This tank sucks.
Mom>> He goes down faster than I did on Prom night.
[GM]Dave>> That's not funny.
Mom>> Yes, it is.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> That's an aneurysm waiting to happen.
Mom>> You're too serious.
Mom>> What did you get me?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Who said I got you anything?
Mom>> Let's hope you don't need to be picked up any time soon.
[GM]Dave>> Mom, the lawyer said you had to stop joking about that.
Mom>> Lawyers tell me a lot of things.
Mom>> I can't keep track of all of them.
[GM]Dave>> That's my mom, ladies and gentlemen.
Mom>> What'd you get me?
[GM]Dave>> I didn't get you anything.
[GM]Dave>> What was I supposed to get you?
Mom>> Well, good sons at least cook dinner for their moms.
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> I can do that.

[GM]Dave wishes to trade with you.
Trade completed.

Mom>> Sushi?
[GM]Dave>> Hope you like it.
Mom>> You're a GM and you give me sushi?
[GM]Dave>> I can make meat dishes, as well.
[GM]Dave>> But with the way you miss...
Mom>> Don't make Mommy hit you.
[GM]Dave>> The sushi might help you hit me.
Mom>> I didn't miss when you were five.
Mom>> I won't miss now.
[GM]Dave>> I don't remember that.
Mom>> Concussions will do that.
[GM]Dave>> That's sweet, Mom.
Mom>> I like to think so.
Mom>> Now, where's my real present?
[GM]Dave>> Okay, okay.
[GM]Dave>> I got you something.
Mom>> I knew you would.
Mom>> You're such a good boy, Davey.
[GM]Dave>> Under your garage, Mom.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously.
Mom>> What is it?
[GM]Dave>> It's a dead body, Mom.
[GM]Dave>> He's been under there a while.
Mom>> I mean my present.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I was going to give you a restraining order.
[GM]Dave>> But the first three didn't work.
Mom>> Davey...
Mom>> Have you always been this emo?
[GM]Dave>> Nice.
Mom>> Just give me my present.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, okay.

[GM]Dave wishes to trade with you.
Trade completed.

Mom>> A Scorpion Harness?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah. I hope you like it.
Mom>> Not even a +1?
[GM]Dave>> ...
Mom>> Seriously. WTF?
Mom>> You're a damned GM.
Mom>> You could have made a +1.
Mom>> Hell, you could have made a +7.
[GM]Dave>> We're not allowed to do that.
Mom>> Do you always follow the rules?
Mom>> Mama's boy.
[GM]Dave>> Mom synthesized an Emotional Scar +1.
Mom>> This is bullshit.
[GM]Dave>> Oopsy.
[GM]Dave>> Mother dearest?
Mom>> What?
[GM]Dave>> You just used a naughty word.
[GM]Dave>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Mom>> Oooooooo I iz getting a warning.
[GM]Dave>> No.
Mom>> I'm not getting a warning?
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Not exactly.
Mom>> Then what?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> Remember how you wanted more time to knit?
Mom>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Now, you have lots of spare time.
[GM]Dave>> I'd like a sweater, please.
Mom>> What do you mean?


Area: Mordion Gaol

Mom>> Oh damn.
Mom>> How could you do this to your own mother?
[GM]Dave>> The concussions help.
Mom>> So, I can't play for 72 hours.
Mom>> This is ridiculous.
[GM]Dave>> Who said 72 hours?
Mom>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I mean a lot of spare time.
[GM]Dave>> A whole lot.
Mom>> You wouldn't dare.
[GM]Dave>> Love you, too, Mommy.
Mom>> DAVEY!!!

It's funny. You'd think I'd feel bad about banning my own mother.

You'd be wrong.

I still giggle a little when I think about it.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Conspiracy Theory

Oh lord, the ego on some people.

Listen very, very carefully.

Copernicus was an early astronomer who studied the movement of celestial bodies (such as stars and panets) and was the first scientist to theorize that our planet was not the center of the universe and, instead, was in motion around our sun. This theory dramatically changed our understanding of our universe.

Later scientists went on to discovery that our sun is also a moving body that circles within our galaxy. And others then noted that our galaxy also circles around a central point in the universe.

To review, our planet is but one rock orbitting the center of the universe.

To clarify, you are living on our planet.


Good Jack Daniels, what convinces people that they are so how important enough to justify their misguided understanding of the world?

So often, I get honestly frightening GM calls where people claim that entire groups and even servers are out to get them.

I hate to tell you this, but noone in the game would put that much time nor effort into torturing you.

The closest you might get would be me and, even then, I'd just feed you to the nearest dragon.


You're not even worth going to a distant dragon. I'd just warp you and Jormy to Mordion Gaol, let you have a little Oz moment, and then ban you.

Noone is out to get you.

We may all hate you, but we're not out to get you.

All acts of hatred and violence are merely random acts and are not part of a larger network of malice.

Just this morning, I got yet another one of these inane (read: stupid) GM calls.

GM Call Description: Entire LS harassing me. Please help.

Well, yippee skippy.

Usually, I would just ignore this call and make a note to randomly DC him during serious events, but I had just gotten to the end of a report (read: bottle) that I was working on and decided to discuss the matter with him.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand there is a conspiracy against you.
Player>> Yeah, an entire LS is out to get me.
Player>> It's a conspiracy.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sure they are.
[GM]Dave>> On an unrelated note...
[GM]Dave>> Are you taking any medication at this time?
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> You know, normal medications.
[GM]Dave>> Like Thorazine.
Player>> No, I don't take any drugs.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you should start.
Player>> Whatever.
Player>> Can you stop these guys? This is serious.
[GM]Dave>> First, why don't you explain it to me.
Player>> Well, I got this one player mad at me.
[GM]Dave>> Mmm hmm.
[GM]Dave>> And why was he mad at you?
Player>> I borrowed his Kirin's Osode.
[GM]Dave>> Do you mean you stole it?
Player>> Kind of.
Player>> He owed me a lot of money though.
[GM]Dave>> How much?
Player>> 200,000 gil.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> So you stole a Kirin's Osode?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> For 200,000 gil.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously. Thorazine.
[GM]Dave>> Look into it.
Player>> Since then he's had his LS following me.
[GM]Dave>> Following you?
Player>> Everytime I'm in Jeuno, I see them.
Player>> They've even been in my parties a few times.
[GM]Dave>> Spooky.
[GM]Dave>> So, let me get this straight.
[GM]Dave>> You filed a GM call about harassment.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Because you stole a Kirin's Osode.
Player>> That's right.
[GM]Dave>> And now, you feel harassed.
[GM]Dave>> Because you see other players.
Player>> Exactly.
Player>> Are you going to suspend them?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Do you not understand how crazy you are?
[GM]Dave>> Or is this a "how bad can I get banned" game?
Player>> I'm being harassed.
Player>> Every day.
[GM]Dave>> Have they sent you any tells?
Player>> Well, the first guy did.
[GM]Dave>> About what?
Player>> He wanted his Osode back.
[GM]Dave>> The nerve of that guy.
[GM]Dave>> Wanting his own gear back. What a jerk.
[GM]Dave>> Who else sent you tells?
Player>> Nobody.
Player>> But one of his LS mates told me I'm a bad Ranger.
[GM]Dave>> When?
Player>> When we were partying and I mispulled.
[GM]Dave>> Can you not see the things you are typing?
Player>> Listen, man. I want them banned.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I can't do that.
Player>> Why not?
[GM]Dave>> This goes higher than you thought.
[GM]Dave>> The GMs are out to get you, too.
Player>> Really?!
[GM]Dave>> Totally.
[GM]Dave>> The SGM may be monitoring us right now.


Area: Mordion Gaol

[GM]Dave>> OH DAMN!
[GM]Dave>> They heard us!
Player>> Oh my god!
Player>> What do we do?
[GM]Dave>> QUICK!
[GM]Dave>> DC RIGHT NOW!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'll handle this.

*player disconnects*

One simple account deletion later and the conspiracy was ended.

There's no reason to think that there is some major conspiracy against you. If a bunch of people hate you, it probably means that you're just a retarded jerk.

We're not out to get you. Life is.