Sunday, September 17, 2006

Randomness

Okay, today my mind was officially destroyed. Any semblance of rational thought is forever tainted by the weirdness that I saw today.

I was out shopping today. We had run out of certain luxeries (such as food) and I was forced to go out into the world and interact with other human beings.

Now, I'm not going to mention the name of the store I was in. I'll just give you a hint.

The name of the store began with a W.

And it rhymed with Wal-mart.

You'll never crack that code

Anyway, I had wandered into the Halloween aisle and on one of the displays there was a five foot skeleton. A five foot skeleton dressed as a pirate.

This, in and of itself, was not terribly odd. Given this year's pirate craze, it was almost normal.

Then someone walking by hit a button on the skeleton.

And he started to sing.

Okay... A singing skeleton. I guess some people might find that amusing. Still not terribly odd.

What did he sing? A sea shanty? A sailor's tune?

No.

He was singing "Low Rider".

Yes, as in "All my friends know the low rider."

That was when my brain imploded. All rational thought broke down as I tried to comprehend a new dimension of random insanity.

Who would buy this thing?

Better yet, who would design this thing?

The fact that any human being could create such a thing and then put it on the market makes me seriously doubt both their company and the IQ of the general populace.

I literally stood there for five minutes trying to comprehend it.

My entire faith in humanity (as it was) was so damaged that I simply could not interact with another person in the store.

I laid everything on the floor, turned, walked straight out the door, and drove right home.

Later, when my mental stability (as it was) had been restored, I reflected that leaving so qucikly was probably not the best way to handle the situation.

Especially considering Susan was somewhere else in the store at the time.

I hope she had cab fare.

41 Comments:

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Lol, nice.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger Bonzy said...

I have tangled with the evils of walmart before... for some strang reason, only the monumentally retarded shop there... so it makes sense you would find [GM]Dave there...

it's gotta be like a kid in a candy store... a kid with a moron eating dragon in a candy store...

mmm... candy...

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Furioku said...

O.o it seems the means of entertainment for the lower middle class americans (such as myself-_-) are getting dumber and dumber. And you know right after you left a 7 year old little kid walked in, pressed the button, and said "HAHAHAHAHA Funny toy mommy mommy i want it i want it!!!" soon after that announcement was made the mother buys the $200 piece of crap that rots her childs mind. Then when the child becomes an insanely retarded adult and has a child the cycle continues. Thats all i have to say about that issue.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger Maura said...

Bonzy
said...

I have tangled with the evils of walmart before... for some strang reason, only the monumentally retarded shop there... so it makes sense you would find [GM]Dave there...

Well, I guess if saving money makes a person monumentally stupid then that covers a hell of alot of people. Since atleast around where I am Wal-mart is often the cheapest place to buy food and stuff.

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger Yo Alejandro said...

ooooowww bad form!!!

still would have been worst if you'd had left [GM]Baby at the store instead of Susan....... about two testicles worst if you know what I mean

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger Axiom said...

I've never been a big fan of Wal*Mart ever since that whole Indian Burial Ground thing...

Yeah... no.

 
At 4:24 AM, Blogger Artos said...

Wal-Mart is the place to go to point and laugh and five-hundred pound men and women on tiny powerchairs.

Seriously. You'd think that they knew that there was some correlation between cheap, unhealthy food and their inability to be skinny.

 
At 4:33 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

I hate the beggers that stand at the door of WalMart smoking the most expensive cigs and drinking that $2 Pepsi from the machine.

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger moofaloof said...

yea i dont see why if someplace has cheap food items and merchandise that the dirtiest most class-less people HAVE to shop there. i seriously saw a maybe 300lbs woman in a spaghetti string tanktop and tights with tattoos on her wrinkly breast and i gaurentee you thought thought she was "oh so fine". one day when im president there will be a new law making all men and women over 250lbs wear muu-muus or garbage bags and a $2000 fine to all tubbies who CHOOSE to wear tight revealing clothes. it aint right. it just aint right.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger the illiterate said...

The problem here is really that you can't feed wally world employees to Jormangund. You have to find out what server they play in first.

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

We don't have Wal-mart in England, and after readong and hearing reports of it I'm greatful!

What we do have though, in abundance, are retards that take my life away from me ; ; Christmas has been in our supermarkets now for nearly a month... Last week of the kids summer holidays saw the launch of christmas in supermarkets. It makes me so bloody sick. I mean WTF? I want to enjoy the seasons as they happen, not have a bloody 5 month christmas with no damned autumn at all.

Frigging Easter eggs fill the supermarkets on December 24th - I kid you not.

They are celebrating the birth, death and rise in one go.

I have supermarkets. So now I go to local shops. My my meat from the farm, bread from the bakers, druit and veg from the grocers and anything else from the village shop. Sod supermarket retardation forever

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

Bah sorry for my typoes etc. I was making a hurried comment whilst in the middle of some work.

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

I've seen that skeleton at wal-marts in the USA but we don't have it in Canada. But I agree, that is mind numbing XD

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger Zamphire said...

These comments about idiots at Wal-Mart really offend me. I've shopped at Wal-Mart more or less all my life. Not everyone that shops there are idiots. Wal-Mart has low prices and the convenience of everything under one roof. I attend Penn Stat University with a 4.2 GPA. I received a 32 on the ACT, if you call me "monumentally retarded" then you are an idiot sir.
Also 250lbs is not that much, maybe compared to you skinny twigs. Any good linebacker weighs at least 250lbs. Weight can be effected by many things, just fat. Muscle weighs more then fat my friend.

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger thoby123 said...

Never been to Wal-Mart, so can't say anything on this.
As usual, good post Dave.

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger moofaloof said...

if you think im pissed at seeing someone who weighs more than 250lbs because they r muscular then im sorry you apparently cannot read and i am shocked to see whatever made up GPA you had. that store is a magnet for idiots and slobs alike. can sensible people shop there? yes. as you can see the comments posted here are by people who have shopped thier and are hopefully sensible.

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger aradoch said...

zamphire.......the gpa system only goes to 4.0 dumbass. jesus yea ur so smrt. ur so smrt it burns. i wonder if ur smrt enough to catch my "subtle" spelling error. .........dave plz jormy him ><

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger Zamphire said...

Moofaloof:
My problem with what you said was this part of your post;

"one day when im president there will be a new law making all men and women over 250lbs wear muu-muus or garbage bags"

No where in that run on sentence does it say people that are over 250lbs because of fat. You said flat out anyone over 250lbs. That's rude and pushing people into a category where they may, or may not belong. Not to mention it's none of your fucking business whether someone is over weight or not, how does it hurt you?

And also, by your discriminatory comments you should also hate McDonald's, Burger King, any kind of Bar or Club and many other establishments where people that are over-weight may choose to hang their head.

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger Zamphire said...

Aradoch:

There are many classes such as Advanced O Chem that will grant a grade of 5.0 for perfect work. Making it possable to obtain over a 4.0.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger Zamphire said...

And incase you don't believe me, here's you a link http://www.qutic.qut.edu.au/courses/diplomacourses/

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Artos said...

Zam, I'm with you on this one. It's possible to be two-buck-fifty and be damned lean and ripped. (And, for what it's worth, to have a GPA above 4.0. It's apparent that the one who stated otherwise has no damned idea of what he is talking about.)

Of course, I have never seen someone like that at Wal-Mart. It's either "morbidly obese," "obese," "heavy," "mildly heavy," "overweight," "average," or "holy-crap-that's-redneck-thin."

Now, I'm not one to pass judgment on others, but I've seen my fair share of "idiots" and "non-idiots" at Wal-Mart. Sure, idiots exist, but they're not the only shoppers at Wal-Mart. It's not wise to make assumptions and base it on middle America. That's like me saying that New York is full of Mafia-folk and muggers and that Vermont is full of stuck-up, snooty bastards. (And we know that it isn't the case.) It isn't fair- or funny -for you kids to stereotype, mock, and think that your words are gospel. It only shows how damned insolent, intolerant, and (dare I say it) retarded you are. (Let's just say that I've seen 21BLM/5SAMs that are smarter than what you think you are.)

I also shop at Wal-Mart (college kid as well, though at a less prominent institution)- mainly out of desperation. Like many, I don't have much cash on-hand (most of it is going to tuition), so Wal-Mart is often where I have to go to get things.

But I also had the (dis)pleasure of working at Wal-Mart for a time, and the horrors I saw there made me swear off working for that chain or others like it ever again.

Wal-Mart may have some things going for it, but it treats its workers like scum. Don't ever work there. Seriously. Ever.

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Artos said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 5:31 PM, Blogger Eirwen said...

Coming this Christmas: A skeleton, dressed as Santa, singing "Low Rider".

Something tells me this will happen in about 2 months. So Dave, stay away from the mart for a long time. There is an opening between Christmas and Easter.

 
At 5:46 PM, Blogger Eirwen said...

oh, one quick other note...

After I read Notkesirahonest's comment: I thought we Dutchies had it bad with christmas shopping starting this month and easter eggs in January. /comfort

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Artemis-kun said...

@myloko
I dunno whereabouts you live in Canada, but we've got 'em over here, sadly. It was somewhat hideous, as it was on display right at the entrance of the store, and had a small crowd of children seemingly entranced by the display. You can tell that many kids must have been through to see it, as it had a "DO NOT TOUCH" sign on it at that point. I shuddered, went about my business and left >_>;

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger azuza001 said...

I can honestly beat that. A chain of stores here in Ohio has already started selling Christmas stuff. And they even went on the local news (CBS of course) and said "We just wanted to get a jump on the competition" Well, I want to get the jump on you some time buddy, and beat the hell out of you with a candy cane. IT'S STILL SEPTEMBER YOU SOB! Lol.

Stores now days, I lose faith in humanity.

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger Spoonybard said...

lol @ flame war started over Wal-Mart... I'm seriously in tears watching you people fight about it.

I did however see a clipping taken out of the paper that you just reminded me of copy and paste this if you want to see it... kinda sums up your average Wal-Mart shopper. Not saying they are all like that, I go there because it is close and the prices are good... others just live there... enjoy!

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y290/GrandAndKey/funnycomment.jpg

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger hello fodder said...

Droll post, m'lord.

My problem with Wal-Mart isn't the shoppers, though they can be ... interesting; not aspiring to normalcy myself, I try not to cast stones in such cases.

But the company itself is the very archetype of the sociopathic corporate citizen, with all the charming personality of Cthulhu.

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger Xen_the_monk said...

That was when my brain imploded.

i died, right there LOL

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Pffft Christmas? Places here have had Christmas stuff since August! That's just sad ._.

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger dickkead said...

Zamphire said...
These comments about idiots at Wal-Mart really offend me. I've shopped at Wal-Mart more or less all my life. Not everyone that shops there are idiots. Wal-Mart has low prices and the convenience of everything under one roof. I attend Penn Stat University with a 4.2 GPA. I received a 32 on the ACT, if you call me "monumentally retarded" then you are an idiot sir.
Also 250lbs is not that much, maybe compared to you skinny twigs. Any good linebacker weighs at least 250lbs. Weight can be effected by many things, just fat. Muscle weighs more then fat my friend.


...said the stupid fat girl...

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger dickkead said...

Alright, my last comment was just to piss that person off, but I'd really like to say something here.

What does your GPA have to do with how "retarded" you are? Any assclown can get a 4.0 if they can do what they're told. All you have to do to get good grades in college is to do what your professors tell you to do, it's as simple as that. Anyone who's bragging about their grades is obviously lacking in a real education, because any real smart person would know that grades don't show how smart people are, they show how lazy people are...

 
At 3:50 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:50 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:51 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

Wow! Well done Zamphire, you managed to turn a funny post into something bad with your neurotic ramblings! That sure takes a genius.

But hey, while we are on the subject of being unreasonably picky. Isn't it time you learnt the basics of vocabulary?

ThEn and thAn are two, completely different words. They are spelt different, they have entirely different meanings. If you use them in the incorrect context then your sentence will make no sence whatsoever and make you look like an uneducated idiot. Four letter words are taught to children at the age of 5. And yet, here you are, bragging about how intelligent you are and yet are incapable of using a four letter word correctly.

Try and let this sink in dumbass. It might sound like then when you say it aloud with your accent, but it ISN'T. Learn the fucking difference between then and than.

Typoes fine, we are all guilty, just means you've typed in a rush. getting completely wrong words in sentences is only because YOU ARE A DUMBASS.

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger aradoch said...

zhampire, u said gpa, not class specific gpa. overall gpa is on a 4 point grade scale ya hack.

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger Zamphire said...

notkesirahonest:
My comments were not ment towards [GM] Dave's posts. His post was indeed funny and ment aas a joke. It was the comments the readers made that offended me.

aradoch:
The way your GPA (Grade Point Average) is calculated is by taking the individual grades from each class, adding them together, and then dividing by the total number of classes. This is why it's called an average. If I were to take a single class that gave a 5.0 and added it in with the classes that gave 4.0 it would bring my AVERAGE above a 4.0 most of the time.

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger Zamphire said...

Dickhead:
I'm actually a male.


To anyone else that doesn't see why I'm offended by this. It's like saying anyone who shops at Hot Topic is a wrist slicing suicidal Goth, or like saying anyone who shops in a mall is a prep. I’m tired of people being close minded ass holes. IT DOESN’T HURT YOU A BIT SO WHAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM?

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger dickkead said...

notkesirahonest said...

"If you use them in the incorrect context then your sentence will make no sence whatsoever and make you look like an uneducated idiot."

I think you mean "If you use them in the incorrect context THAN your sentence will make no SENSE what-so-ever, and make you look like an uneducated idiot."

Because it's the comparitive, not the past or future tense. You're comparing them being used in the incorrect context to the sentence not making any SENSE. If you're going to call someone out on something, don't make the same mistake yourself, fucking moron.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger Hyperbola said...

Heh. Dave, you're behind. Walmart was marketing the Santa Claus version LAST Christmas.

I forget what it sang, but it was the scariest thing I'd every seen. A corpselike-pale Santa face with a fixed, staring grin, clothes hanging very loosely on what appeared to be a skeletal/wire frame...and it just jerked & swayed back & forth along to whatever song it was singing.

I saw one kid start screaming & crying when his mommy took him up to the Santa Corpse & stepped on the pedestal button.

 
At 3:49 PM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

Dikkhead wrote:

I think you mean "If you use them in the incorrect context THAN your sentence will make no SENSE what-so-ever, and make you look like an uneducated idiot."


PLease, I so hope you are not serious with this. please say you are kidding me. Than is not the correct word to use there. It is thEn. Why do people have so many problems with such simple words?

As to my typo... a typo is a typo. it isn't the inability to identify the correct word, it's the inability to type well! And yes, despite having used keyboards for onwards of 25 years now, I am a terrible typist who makes typoes often!

However, I do know the difference between then and than unlike so many people.

FFS it's like someone saying "I took the fridge for a walk across the fields" instead of saying dog. It's the WRONG word, it doesn't mean the same thing. It doesn't even mean a similar thing!

For Gods sakes, go back to nursery school and learn the basics again.

 

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