Bannable Offenses: June 2010

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Random Thought

Have you ever seen those shirts that say "No Blood For Oil"?

After the robot apocalypse, those are going to be terribly ironic.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

ZOMG!

Holy shit! Have you guys heard that the new Xbox 360 Kinect is on sale NOW?!

Seriously. You can go right to your nearest Walmart and buy one. Motion control, a new menu system, new games.

Did you see that menu? All your games and programs lined up in convenient little squares. No more flipping through screens. You just wave your hand and select whichever program you want to run.

And the whole thing only costs like $199.

Now, you're probably wondering why you haven't heard this anywhere else. Everyone else is saying that it comes out in November, right?

Not right.

I happen to know the secret password you have to say to get one of these fabulous devices.

And because you're good people, I'm going to share it with you.

If anyone else is in the room, just shut off your monitor and tell them you're looking at hardcore pornography until they leave.

They gone?

Okay, here's what you have to say:

"Excuse me. I'd like to buy a Wii please."

I've heard this always works for the new Playstation Move.

Then you just pay your money and head on home. Hook that baby up and you'll be the envy of everyone else on your block.

Assuming you live on the one block in the world where everyone doesn't already own a Wii.

I mean, do these companies seriously think we're this retarded?

Yes. Yes, they do.

This is just a blatant, bullshit attempt to copy the Wii. They're not even being subtle about it. They might as well have just bought a bunch of Wiis and put stickers over the name.

Their first big games are Kinect Sports and Kinect Bowling.

They're condescending. They are assuming we are so literally retarded that we will buy absolutely anything if they slap a shiny new name on it.

But we're not that retarded are we?

Yes. Yes, we are.

We are going to line up for days to buy that thing. People are going to miss mortgage payments just to get it.

Because we are retarded.

This isn't even subtle. They're kicking us in the face while laughing at us and we're paying good damned money for it.

AND they're acting like this is creative and original in the process.

I'd pay good money if they just admitted it.

Tell us they're screwing us. Just out and say it already.

Microsoft: We're don't make the Wii, but we like money, so yeah, here's a Wii dammit.

That's all I want. Just cut the shit and tell us the truth for once. Don't try and feed us a line about how you're the future of gaming.

You're the past.

Literally.

You actually made fun of this same idea in the past.

And now, you are that idea.

Dammit, some days I feel like I'm the only sane person left on the planet.

That's a scary thought.

Monday, June 14, 2010

One Step Forward...

It wouldn't be a lie to say that I spend a fair amount of my time defending gamers.

Given the generally negative stereotypes applied to my people, I find myself constantly quoting statistics and figures about how gaming culture has grown over time and entered the mainstream. We are no longer those basement dwelling social outcasts that we were long thought to be.

Have you seen a console launch lately? Have you seen droves and droves of people ready to gut their fellow man just to be the first person to call someone a &%@ing Noob on a brand new system?

That shit is mainstream, son.

We are legion. We are many.

Yet despite this new acceptance of our culture, the general population smirks at us, their self-righteous smile visible above their American Eagle popped collar.

For some reason I can't understand, it is socially more acceptable to play extreme frisbee or beer pong than it is to play some Halo.

Seriously.

Now, this post is not another defense of my people. Since you are reading this, you're probably one of my people, so I'd be preaching to the converted.

No, this post is about WHY they think that about us.

It has nothing to do with the games or the systems. It has nothing to do with news stories or media depictions.

It has nothing to do with you.

It's this guy.

Yup, that guy is the exact reason why everyone in the entire world looks down on gamers.

He is the very essence of their argument. He is the embodiment of everything they laugh at when they hear the word "gamer".

This man... This man is why we suffer. This man is the reason that girls look at you funny when you tell them you play video games.

Yes, you know what look I mean. That first time you were on a date with a girl you liked. You're laughing and having fun and she asked what you like to do. You said video games. Then, you watched as her face started to curl into a look of disgust. You might have just told her you molest baby kittens for the sheer revulsion you saw in her eyes.

Yeah, totally that guy's fault.

And there's nothing you can do. No amount of Professional Gaming Leagues or celebrity endorsements will stop the damage he has caused our culture.

He weeps for his WoW account.

I weep for our people.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Now... Where Were We?

Okay, apparently, I was getting ready to do a whole thing about WoW and private servers and shit.

Let's roll with that. Why the hell not?

Because I absolutely hate myself, I made myself a list of shit I had to do before I could quit playing WoW. This list was formulated out of:

a) self-loathing
b) a desire to not leave anything WoW fans could possibly bitch about
c) alcohol
d) alcohol
e) Wild Berry Skittles
f) alcohol

This list was freaking exhaustive. I don't even put as much freaking work into taking care of my own offspring as I put into that freaking list.

I had to level a Paladin to 80.

Yeah. A paladin.

Then, I had to level a Hunter to 80.

A female Hunter.

So, I covered two completely different job classes and two completely different genders. One was a hybrid class that included a dps spec, a tank spec, and a healer spec.

I tried them all.

I raised several professions and did dailies and all of that crap.

Yes, even the stupid freaking jewelcrafting dailies where you had to go kill an animal to get a tiny piece of bone or ivory or whatever to make something for the owner of the jewelry store who is apparently too freaking busy giving retarded daily quests to actually go out and get his own damned shit.

I farmed freaking titanium for crying out loud.

I did every raid that could possibly be done on my server. I killed dragons and... Other dragons... Blue ones... And... Some guys in Ulduar...

There was a lot of guys in there.

And another dragon.

And everybody dropped like seventeen pieces of loot. You spent ten minutes killing a boss and then ten minutes rolling for everything.

And lord help you if you roll for the wrong item. They'll slice your freaking throat for that.

I did everything that anyone could possibly suggest would make this game SOMEHOW better than FFXI.

I camped the Time-Lost Proto Drake. And killed it.

Yes, I got a giant, prehistoric drake that I could ride around on. I circled over a desolate, icy mountain range for days waiting to find it and when I finally did, it knocked me off my mount and I fell a bajillion feet to my death. I hopped back up and went and kicked it's ass.

You know what?

Still not more fun than FFXI.

Don't get me wrong. It was okay.

I might even upgrade it to pretty good if I didn't have to force myself to play it practically at gunpoint.

But everything was just... Wrong. Nothing seemed to have any real life or substance to it.

When I'm in Vana'diel, I FEEL like I'm in Vana'diel. I almost feel the grass under my feet as I run through a field. I can feel the cobblestones under my feet as I walk through San d'Oria.

In Azeroth... Well, everything was just there.

None of the monsters seemed realistic. Neither did the landscape.

Hell, even my character looked like a poorly drawn cartoon.

And seriously... Can we just call the shoulder armor experiment a failure and move on? There were a couple of times that I saw shoulder gear that was actually larger than chest armor.

That shit ain't right.

I'm starting to wonder if there maybe isn't a rogue modeler over at Blizzard with freakish, mutant shoulders.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for textures, but FFXI just seems more real to me.

The whole world seems like it's right there, right in front of you. The rocks, the sand, the grass, all just feel so real, like it was an actual world you're looking into.

But not a real world.

My doctor told me I'm not allowed to say that any more.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Thank You

I just wanted to thank everyone who sent their support for us. It was all really appreciated.

And those of you who sent small donations and apologized for not being able to send more, you needn't be so silly. We appreciated everything you guys sent.

Honestly, anytime I hear someone say that gamers are a bunch of angry, impulsive, violent psychopaths, it makes me want to reach out and punch them in the trachea and then burn down their house.

You guys are all right.

Bannable Offenses