Bannable Offenses

When Good People Go Bad - Vol. 1

Okay, fan week is upon us again. I'm hard at work preparing a fan club giftpack.

Well... Actually I'm leveling Bonecraft, but I'm thinking about it.

I'm totally thinking about it.

This week, I thought it would be fun to look at somebody other than the random, nameless n00bs that haunt us all.

Instead, this week will be dedicated to those times when even normal players turn in complete morons.

We've all been there. You've just done something so horribly, horribly stupid that your mind folds in upon itself and refuses to accept what has just happened. You cannot even accept that it is all your fault.

Let us see the best players at their worst times.

Thus, I give you...


When The Good Go Bad - Volume 1

Now, I want to make sure that you all understand this. I am going to try and be very clear so that everyone can comprehend what I am saying.

*ahem*

It is not, I repeat, it is not my fault that you have done something so horribly retarded that it costs you a huge amount of gil.

It really isn't.

It only takes one person to be retarded.

That would be you.

And yet, we get countless GM calls everyday where people have done something so monumentally retarded that they feel it must be an emergency.

You know there's a ranged attack.

It's labelled "Ranged Attack".

One would assume that anything you have equipped in the ammo slot will be used to attack an enemy at a distance. They are at a range away and you wish to attack them.

That's why you hit the Ranged Attack button.

So now, you've just thrown away your Hedgehog Bomb...

Does that suck? Of course it does.

You just threw away three million gil (give or take) so that you could claim that Goobue that drops maybe five thousand gil worth of items.

Five thousand if you're lucky.

Yes, I would define that as sucking.

Is it a problem? Probably.

There are very few people in the game who could just laugh off a three million dollar loss.

Well... a 2,995,000 gil loss.

Is it worth making a GM call? Hell no.

You pushed a button that might as well have been marked "throw my shit away". And guess what happened?

You threw your shit away.

I have no idea why people insist on making GM calls about this. You did something very stupid and you got hit with a stupid tax.

A stupid tax of three million gil give or take.

But some people just have to bitch and whine, and beg me to fix it.

Or worse yet, tell me to fix it.

This morning, I was doing my usual Jack Daniels/crafting session, when a GM call popped up.

GM Call Description: Threw my Hedgehog Bomb. Help.

Damn, not again.

I feel for the guy, I really do, but this shit is getting old.

Actually... it got old quite some time ago.

Still, it is my job to help these customers. I'd better head right in and do the best I can to make sure all of his needs are bei...

Dammit. I almost got through that without laughing.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you do not value money.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> You just threw away a three million gil item.
[GM]Dave>> That suggests you do not understand money.
Player>> It was an accident.
Player>> I didn't want to throw it.
[GM]Dave>> Okay...
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you click on the "throw" command?
Player>> It was an accident.
Player>> I already said that.
[GM]Dave>> Did you not understand the button?
Player>> I understood the button.
[GM]Dave>> Did you not understand the function of the ammo slot?
Player>> That's not it.
Player>> I didn't mean to throw it.
[GM]Dave>> But you clicked on the Ranged Attack button.
[GM]Dave>> What did you think was going to happen?
[GM]Dave>> You'd yell criticisms from a safe distance?
Player>> Dammit!
Player>> IT
Player>> WAS
Player>> AN
Player>> ACCIDENT!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. What?
[GM]Dave>> I didn't quite get that.
Player>> Just fix it.
Player>> You shouldn't be able to throw them anyway.
[GM]Dave>> You shouldn't be able to throw...
[GM]Dave>> The thing you put in your ranged ammo slot...
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Do you know the worst part?
[GM]Dave>> If I killed you, I'd be the criminal.
Player>> Just fix it.
Player>> Now.
[GM]Dave>> No problem, sir.
[GM]Dave>> First, though, I'm required to give you a tutorial.
Player>> A tutorial?!
Player>> On what?!
[GM]Dave>> Let's see... Where did I put that manual?
[GM]Dave>> Here it is...
[GM]Dave>> "How not to be a gigantic retard."
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Whoops. That's the subtitle.
[GM]Dave>> "The Ranged Attack Command and You."
Player>> I don't want to do a tutorial.
[GM]Dave>> Then I can't help you, sir.

That's it. Dangle the treat in front of them.

Dangle, dangle, dangle.

Player>> FINE.
Player>> Let's get this over with.
[GM]Dave>> No problem, sir.

*warp*

Player>> Where are we?!
[GM]Dave>> Mordion Gaol.
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> I guess...

[GM]Dave uses a Ranged Attack.
Player takes 1 point of damage.

Player>> What the hell was that?!
[GM]Dave>> That was a pebble.
Player>> Why are you throwing pebbles?
[GM]Dave>> This is the tutorial.
[GM]Dave>> It teaches proper respect for the Ranged Attack button...
[GM]Dave>> By having you stoned to death using pebbles.

[GM]Dave uses a Ranged Attack.
Player takes 1 point of damage.

[GM]Dave>> This is going to take a while.
[GM]Dave>> I hope you don't have plans.
Player>> Stop that!
Player>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Don't worry.
[GM]Dave>> This'll only take a week or two.

That's when he logged out. He no doubt went to serious re-evaluate his life goals.

Or to cry on his Inuyasha dolls.

As long as he learned his lesson.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:50 PM