Sunday, April 30, 2006

You Are Not Special

Alternate Title: "Well... maybe Short Bus special."

Okay. I'm sure in your little world, you're very, very important.

Yes, yes. Your mom thinks you're cool.

But I hate to tell you this, but your problems are not that important.

They're not. At all. Important. Not important. At all.

Do you understand?

Before you can even send a GM call, a warning screen pops up to tell you that GM calls are only to be made for serious emergencies. Serious emergencies.

The petty annoyances of your day ARE NOT EMERGENCIES!

I swear to God if I have to listen to one more vapid, conceited moron complain about not getting parties, or having missed an airship, or whatever other stick they have up their ass, I'm going to set the servers on fire.

And no, I don't mean Fire IV or Firaga. I mean I will douse them in kerosene and light those babies up.

Let's see if getting lost in Eldieme Necropolis is a major emergency when the harddrive your character is on turns into so much melted plastic and charred metal.

I have major things I have to do during the day. I have people with actual problems that I like to help.

Also, I have about 100,000 retards that need to be injested by a dragon.

I like that, too.

So, your piddly little problems are really not worth my time. REALLY.

Accidentally dropping something valuable is not an emergency.

Wondering which day comes after Firesday is not an emergency.

Forgetting the way to Boyahda Tree is not an emergency.

Sorry. I meant (( The Boyahda Tree )).

I was just about to end a very late shift, when I got a GM call.

Well... it wasn't so much a shift as me clocking in and then running through Dynamis on my main character.

Why I checked the GM call queue, I'm not sure.

Apparently, I'm a masochist.

Sadism and masochism. Yeah, I'm happy about where I am in life. Good times.

GM Call Description: I'm being harassed through tells.

Always with the harassment.

If people actually got "harassed" as much as GM calls would make you think, we'd have to add a new restraining order command.

But, alas, I just had to stop and look at this car wreck...

... I mean respond to this call.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer. Yada yada yada.
[GM]Dave>> What do you want?
Player>> Other players are harassing me through tells.
[GM]Dave>> Suuurrrrrrrrre they are.
[GM]Dave>> How many people?
Player>> 7, I think. Or 8.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, that sounds kind of serious.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of tells are they?
Player>> They just keep badgering me over and over.
Player>> And asking the same questions.
[GM]Dave>> That does sound like harassment.
[GM]Dave>> Let me check the logs.

*minutes pass*

[GM]Dave>> They were asking you to party.
Player>> I know.
Player>> I didn't feel like partying.
[GM]Dave>> They were asking you TO PARTY.
Player>> I know. And they wouldn't stop.
[GM]Dave>> Let me ask you something:
[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?
Player>> What?!
Player>> HOW DARE YOU?
[GM]Dave>> It's okay.
[GM]Dave>> I'm totally cool with the Retarded.
Player>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> And you guys have your own Olympics.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, there's an asterisk next to your record.
[GM]Dave>> But still.
Player>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Am I talking too fast for you?
[GM]Dave>> Or my words. Are they too big?
Player>> STOP IT!
[GM]Dave>> That's good. That's very, very good.
[GM]Dave>> Use your words.
[GM]Dave>> I'm having trouble understanding you.
[GM]Dave>> Is your Mommy or Daddy there?
Player>> I'M 27!!
[GM]Dave>> Like I said: is your Mommy or Daddy there?
[GM]Dave>> That's a very big word.
[GM]Dave>> I'm proud of you.
Player>> I'm filing a complaint against you!
[GM]Dave>> Let me guess.
[GM]Dave>> For harassment.
Player>> YES!
[GM]Dave>> I can transfer you to the complaints manager.
Player>> YES! RIGHT NOW!
[GM]Dave>> No problem.


[GM]Dave>> Given your "special" circumstances...
[GM]Dave>> I've contacted our "Alternate Ability" councillor.
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry. Big words again.
[GM]Dave>> I called the "guy in charge of the retards".
[GM]Dave>> It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Player>> Would you like to be called retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, HELL NO!
[GM]Dave>> That's not even funny.
Player>> Then why do you think I'm retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Well you did ask to see the complaints manager.

Jormungand hits Player for 10,113 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Seems awfully retarded to me.

Honestly, just because something annoying happens to you, it doesn't make it an emergency.

And when you make a GM call about it, your stupid annoyance becomes my stupid annoyance.

And then I'll give you a damned emergency.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

I Am SO Scared

Alternate Title: "I'm shaking in my foot gear."

Why do people feel the need to challenge me?


It is so overwhelmingly stupid to constantly see morons trying to call me out. As if their pathetic, pedantic little challenges would worry me.

The only thing these childish ramblings do is prove how retarded you really are.

Why would a GM take time out to warp to your server at your request?

I wouldn't do that. I prefer random acts of cruelty.

It takes all the fun out of it if they know you're coming.

I prefer to deal with natural stupidity. You know, that n00bish behavior that makes Vana'diel harder to live in.

You idiots trying to impress everyone with your "manliness" is just plain sad.

And the best part is that everyone knows it. Everyone who reads your comments laughs at the little fools trying to act tough.

You can't hang with me.

Imagine a four year old ran up and challenged you to a fight. Would you even bother?

Of course not. And that's why I don't bother with your pathetic, little challenges. You are so far beneath me that they are laughable, at best.

Today, though, I decided to see what one of these little punks could do.

I figured it would be good for a laugh.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for one of them to show up.

GM Call Description: We want to challenge [GM]Dave to a fight.

I mean how stupid could you be?

Why not GM Call Description: We want to challenge Evander Holyfield to a boxing match?

You're outclassed. Don't you realize that?

So, I warp over to their server. I don't want to embarass them (more than I did), so I won't tell you what server it was.

I will tell you that it begins with an 'S'.

And rhymes with Shiva.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you are considering suicide.
Player>> No way, loser.
Player>> We want to fight your fake GM ass.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure if my ass is targetable.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Also, my ass doesn't have a ballista license.
[GM]Dave>> It did finish the mentor quest, though.
Player>> We know you can't ban us.
Player>> And now, we're gonna kick your ass.
[GM]Dave>> I don't have a mirror...
[GM]Dave>> But I doubt my ass looks very worried.
Player>> Then you'll fight me?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean "me"?
[GM]Dave>> I thought you had a whole group.
Player>> You want to fight all of us?!
[GM]Dave>> It wouldn't be worth the effort just to fight you.
Player>> You son of a bitch!
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> You know my mom, then.
Player>> We're ready when you are, punk.

Now, that's where his already poor logic really started to fail him.

Why would you taunt someone who has already agreed to fight you? That's just not wise.

And taunting me?

Oh... the fun I was gonna have.

[GM]Dave>> Where do you want to fight?
[GM]Dave>> Choose any area you like.
Player>> How about Mordion Gaol?

Okay, now he'd just gone plain retarded.

What was his plan should he, by some miracle, win?

"Hey! We won! WE WO... How the hell do we get out of here?"

[GM]Dave>> Why not? Any other requests?
[GM]Dave>> Want me to just kill you and save us both some time?
Player>> You know we could win.
[GM]Dave>> It's possible.
Player>> HA!
[GM]Dave>> I could die of a heart attack.
Player>> You jerk!
[GM]Dave>> Sticks and stones may break my bones...
[GM]Dave>> But you'll still be retarded.
Player>> Let's go then, bitch.
[GM]Dave>> Can I ask you a question first?
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Is it hard to play with your head up your ass?

So, I warp him and his friends to Mordion Gaol.

A quick perusal of their gear and weapons indicated that these guys meant business. All level 75s with some of the best items in the game.

And then they started to check me.

Player>> HAHAHA!
[GM]Dave>> Yes?
Player>> What's with the delay on your Great Sword?
[GM]Dave>> It is a little high, I suppose.
Player>> High?!
Player>> You'll only get one swing a minute.
[GM]Dave>> Scared yet?
Player>> Hardly.
Player>> You'll be dead before your third swing.
[GM]Dave>> We'll see.
Player>> Everyone will.
Player>> I'm running Fraps.


[GM]Dave>> Thank you for telling me that.
Player>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> Fraps is technically a third party program.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to review your account for banning.
Player>> You can't do that!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?

That's when they charged me. All 6 of them came in swinging. It was a hectic flurry of blades and lances.

And zeros.

[GM]Dave>> Did I mention this armor reduces all damage to 0?
Player>> Oh GAWD!
[GM]Dave>> Is it my turn now?

I pulled out my Great Sword and swung at the moron's friend, the Paladin.

Who promptly disappeared.

Player>> Where did he go?
Player>> We could have raised him!
[GM]Dave>> I doubt it.
[GM]Dave>> My sword just deleted his character.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> I'll get to you soon.
[GM]Dave>> Damn the delay on this sword.

The hectic flurry continued after that, but instead of weapons, it was a flurry of bodies as they tried to get away.

I spent the next 5 minutes chasing down all of his friends and hitting them with the good old banstick.

Can you imagine watching years of game time, years of hard work and level grinding, going up in the quick slash of a Great Sword?

I'm guessing that would suck.

So, I left my "challenger" for last. I use quotation marks because it's not like any adventurer would present a challenge.

Player>> What are you going to do to me?
Player>> Are you going to delete my character?
[GM]Dave>> Nope.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> That would be too good for you.
[GM]Dave>> Let's go to Jeuno.


Player>> What are we doing?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you just opened a bazaar.
Player>> No, I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> I'd check again if I were you.
[GM]Dave>> Great prices, too.
Player>> You BASTARD!
[GM]Dave>> I didn't think anyone would sell a Hauberk for 1 gil.
Player>> Ohmygodohmygodohmygod
[GM]Dave>> And a Kirin's Osode.
[GM]Dave>> Hey! A Kraken Club!
Player>> Please don't do it
Player>> pleasepleasepleaseplease
[GM]Dave>> Actually, I'm going to buy that one myself.

[GM]Dave makes a purchase from your bazaar.

Player>> I $%&!^&* HATE YOU!
[GM]Dave>> I assumed you would.
[GM]Dave>> You'll notice that you can't move.
[GM]Dave>> Or logout.
[GM]Dave>> You'll also find you can't even DC.
Player>> $%$@^%&*^%&&*#^#$^%
[GM]Dave>> Such language.
[GM]Dave>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.

It was funny watching him stand there as the vultures started to loot his possessions.

And then reloading his bazaar from his mogsafe.

[GM]Dave>> Whoops!
[GM]Dave>> Dropped your Rajas Ring.
Player>> I'M GOING TO @$#%$*& KILL YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Didn't we already play that game?
[GM]Dave>> As I recall, I won.

After everything he owned had been sold (and he had made almost 100 gil), I finally let him log out.

Now, that's worse than a ban. A ban means you are unable to play.

My way left him able to play, but not without crying.

Much better.

So, before you impotent little morons try to challenge me, ask yourself what the best outcome could be.

1) you win fight, I delete your character

2) I win, I delete your character

3) I don't answer and the mess with your character data.

Do any of those sound appealing?

Seriously. Save yourself some trouble and just run a magnet over your harddrive.

Friday, April 28, 2006

A Sad Pattern

Alternate Title: "Don't call me. I won't call you."

I'm really starting to question the intelligence of some of my readers. Honestly, your behavior does not reflect well on your IQ.

Do you honestly think that I would use my real GM name in a public blog?

How stupid would you have to be to think that? I'd lose my job faster than Mee Deggi gets claimed.

And do you honestly think that I would walk around the office going "Oh, yeah, I'm [GM]Dave"?

Why don't I just scream "HEY! Someone fire me!"?

The only people who know my true identity are the GMs that I trust not to give me up. I'm not stupid. I'm not going to trust random GMs with my real name.


You guys sending in stupid GM calls asking about me, if I'm real, please come murder you, and such is just plain pointless.

Here's what happens when these calls come in:

a) a GM who doesn't know who I am receives the call and tells you I don't exist. He/she logs the call and I later pull the logs and mess up your account for being stupid.

b) a GM who does know who I am receives the call and tells you I don't exist. He/she logs the call and I later pull the logs and mess up your account for being stupid.

c) I receive the call and tell you I don't exist. I then either mess up your account, ban you, or feed you to the nearest dragon.

So no matter what happens when you place one of these moronic calls, you have just wasted your time and sacrificed your character. And either way, we still tell you that I don't exist.

It's perfect.

And the best part is most of you end up with a warning on your account, possibly a suspension, and maybe even a permanent ban for making unnecessary GM calls.

ToS for the win, bitches.

Just this morning, I was lucky enough to respond to a GM call about me.

GM Call Description: I want to meet [GM]Dave.

Now, we've been getting calls like this a lot. I mean a lot. Half the GMs are laughing at you and the other half are starting to get annoyed.

Either way, it's really a bad idea to get on a GM's bad side.

Because these calls take me away from my work (read: drinking), I decided that this player will be made an example for the masses.

Also, I was bored.

To make things even more fun, I decided to come up with a fake GM name. That way, the idiot doesn't even get the joy of having met me.

[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Greetings, Adventurer.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> What can I help you with today?
Player>> do you know [GM]Dave?
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Who?
Player>> [GM]Dave! He writes a blog.
Player>> He's awesome. He feeds people to dragons.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Riiiiiiiight.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> That does not sound at all crazy.
Player>> Do you know him? Is he real?
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> No, there is no "[GM]Dave".
Player>> I knew it! He's fake!

Now, here is where I decide to have some fun. I wondered just how far this person could dig themselves into a hole.

[GM]Yoshiyuki>> So, is his blog any good?
Player>> Yeah, but you can totally tell he's not a GM.

Strike one.

[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Really?
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> How?
Player>> Well, his stories are funny...
Player>> But no player would be that stupid.

Strike two.

Also, we have a call of irony on the play.

[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Hmm...
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Sounds interesting.
Player>> Kind of.
Player>> But he uses that dragon bit way too much.

Strike 3 through 87.

[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Want to hear a secret?
Player>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> I don't take criticism well.
Player>> You're REAL?!
Player>> oh god...
[GM]Dave>> That's right.
Player>> You need to totally feed me to a dragon.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.


Player>> This is so awesome.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Why isn't Jormungand attacking me?
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> I've got a better idea.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> How about I delete your character and ban you?
Player>> Uh...
Player>> No, thank you.
[GM]Dave>> But I insist.
[GM]Dave>> We have strict rules against making pointless GM calls.
Player>> But I just wanted to meet you.
[GM]Dave>> Hope it was worth it.
Player>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you will be.

Now, you guys need to ask yourselves what your character is worth to you. I won't just delete one character. I'll delete your whole family.

I'm not the kind of person who "does good things". I'm more of a "does evil things" kind of guy. So, if you make one of these pointless calls, you're really telling me you don't feel like playing my game anymore.

Usually, I won't ban the caller. In the interest of cruelty, I simply tell them that "[GM]Dave" doesn't exist and then I adjust their character a little.

I open up their character information and add in a sweet new job ability: THzero. Instead of increasing drop rates, THzero reduces your drop rates on all high end items to 0.001 %.

I really hope the chance of meeting me is worth the hours you will spend camping NMs or HNMs only to get crappy drops. I also hope your LS doesn't find out you made such a stupid call and, in turn, cost them some very valuable items.

For your own sake and safety, I would suggest you stop making these calls. Either way, you lose and I win.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Am I Not Merciful?

Occasionally (very, very occasionally), I find myself in the mood to do good things.

I usually lie down until the feeling goes away.

Today, however, I have decided to repay the kindness that was given to me.

After "the incident", a number of readers showed their appreciation for this blog by donating money to me. It was nice to know that people supported me in my dragon feeding endeavors.

Since they showed their appreciation for my writing, I am going to show my appreciation for their support.

Thus, I have created



To show that I am indeed a merciful and kind god... I mean GM... I will be sending out special free gifts to anyone who donated five dollars or more. I'm not sure what kind of gifts right now, but I'm thinking along the lines of an extra story, a printable membership card, and a new wallpaper each month.

I am not asking for donations. Read the blog, love the blog, donate what you want. That's cool with me. I know that many of you probably can't afford to donate and I totally understand that. I'll be here everyday with new entries, as long as you keep reading.

This is just a little something extra for those people who do a little extra for me. People are dontaing out of the kindness of their hearts and because they enjoy my writing. These are just some free gifts to show I appreciate the gesture.

Also, at the end of each month, the reader who donated the most will be given the opportunity to be part of a blog entry. This may involve being injested by a dragon, but still.

It may also be very, very random. I could just appear on your server, warp you to Jormungand, and you get all dead.

I mean, I've got stuff to do. I may not have time for witty banter.

This process will then be repeated each month with new stories and new wallpapers.

Any questions?

No? Good.

Attention: this is a good will club and by no means reflects the egomaniacal nature of [GM]Dave, nor his plans for eventual world domination. Damn. I shouldn't have said that. Nevermind.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

[GM]s of the World UNITE!

This one goes out to my fellow GMs, people who just don't get enough respect.

Remember: we're the only thing standing between the playerbase and utter chaos.

Also, guys, thanks for keeping my identity secret.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Could you imagine what Vana'diel would be like without GMs?

RMT would monopolize the game. The economy would be out of control. Chat logs would be clogged with mindless gibberish.

It's too terrible to even consider.

But, no. We're not appreciated. Players just bitch and whine and whine and bitch about every little thing we do.

And then they ask us to pose for screenshots.

Do you players have any idea how hard it is to be a GM? Do you?

Earlier today, I sat down with some of my GM friends while we were on a coffee (read: whisky) break. We were all telling funny stories about stupid players and laughing our asses off.

We even started a drinking game where we all had to do a shot everytime a GM call about gilsellers or botters popped up.

Three people died of alcohol poisoning.

While we were talking though, someone started talking about the things that annoy us GMs the most: the "this is how to do your job" idiots.

I'm sure we appreciate your pedantic little opinions on the GM job. I can't know for certain because usually when people start to tell me how to do my own job, they mysteriously end up dying from dragon-related injuries.

Go figure.

Listen. We don't come to McDonald's and tell you how to flip the damned fries, do we? I don't come to Walmart and slap the price gun out of your hand, do I?

So, why the hell do you try and tell me how to do my job?

Right after our "coffee" break, I got a random GM call and I'm just happy (read: drunk) enough to respond.

GM Call Description: Gilseller camping Archer's Knife.

He said gilseller.

*downs a shot*

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer. Cheers!
Player>> Uhh... what?
[GM]Dave>> Nevermind.
[GM]Dave>> What can I do you for?
Player>> I'm camping for an Archer's Knife
Player>> And there's a gilseller here.

*downs a shot*

[GM]Dave>> A what?
Player>> A gilseller.

*downs a shot*

[GM]Dave>> Oh... a gilsheller.

*downs a shot*
[GM]Dave's blood alcohol skill raises by 0.1 points.

Player>> Yeah. He's been here for five days straight.
[GM]Dave>> How do you know?
Player>> Cause I've been here for five days straight.
[GM]Dave>> So you're a gilseller, then.

*downs a shot*

Note to self: Must stop drinking. Going to die.

Player>> Hell no!
Player>> I didn't say that.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, you did.
Player>> No I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> You said he was a gilseller
[GM]Dave>> Just because he was there for 5 days.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And then you said you were there for 5 days.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And 2 plus 2 equals...
Player>> 4?

*makes a note in player account*

Attention: Player is apparently mildly retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Logic and math skills.
[GM]Dave>> You must beat the girls off with a stick.
Player>> Yeah. A stick +1. lol

*makes a note in player account*

Attention: Player is apparently mildly functionally retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Funny.
[GM]Dave>> What the hell did you want again?
Player>> That gilseller. You need to do something.
[GM]Dave>> No, I don't.
Player>> You need to ban him.
[GM]Dave>> No, I really don't.
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> This is me not banning him.
Player>> But it's your job.

And there we have it, the three words that will piss off every GM on our planet:

"It's your job."

Do you know what my job is? My job is to feed people to dragons. That's it.

If you think my job is to do whatever the hell you think is right, you are horribly misinformed (read: stupid).

I won't ban someone just because you want them banned.

I ban people just because I want them banned.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I know my job.

My job is dealing with morons who tell me how to do my job.

And how do I deal with morons?

[GM]Dave>> Listen, gilseller, I'm not banning him.
[GM]Dave>> Complain all you want.
Player>> I'm going to get you fired.

*makes a note in player account*

Attention: Player is apparently mildly functionally super retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to transfer you to the complaints manager?


Player>> Yes. Right now.


Player>> Uhhhh...
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to Things You Shouldn't Say 101.


[GM]Dave>> Guess what his job is.

Jormungand hits Player for 8,499 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Yay! You guessed!
[GM]Dave>> I mean died...
[GM]Dave>> Yay! You died!

I'm sure you're real smart. I'm sure you've even read a book once.

Maybe even without pictures.

But how about you not tell me how things are supposed to go? Let's pretend I know what I'm doing.

I'll let you know if I need help.

Or extra dragon food.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Sexual Harassment

Okay. I get it.

Some girls don't like getting "attention" from guys in game. I mean, nobody would want that kind of harassment from random, anonymous internet guys.

But honestly, can you really say you're surprised?

Yeah, it sucks, but some online guys being perverts isn't exactly stop the presses kind of news.

So, when you choose to enter an environment that you know is populated with such guys at all times, you're opening yourself to that kind of behavior.

Is it fair? Not really.

Is life fair? Not really.

Is [GM]Dave fair? If you don't know the answer to this, welcome to the blog.

It just gets on my damned nerves everytime I have to answer a GM call from yet another girl who's upset over attention she didn't want and acting like this never ever happens.


Every single player, both male and female, knows that girls sometimes get the wrong kind of attention in game. Everybody.

Hell, I know guys with female mules that have gotten hit on.

One time, I even started sending tells to the other guy who was harassing a male LS member.

[GM]Dave>> Why are you messaging my friend?
Pervert>> I was just looking for sum butt secks.
[GM]Dave>> Do you want to hear the definition of irony?

This stuff just happens. It's just there. It's life.

So, when you send me GM calls about this crap, you really shouldn't expect sympathy.

Not that you should ever expect sympathy from me.

Just this afternoon, I got another one of these stupid calls.

GM Call Description: Female player being sexually harassed.


Maybe I'll get lucky and the servers will explode.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer, yada yada yada.
[GM]Dave>> What's up?
Player>> Some guy just started sending me dirty messages.
[GM]Dave>> Wow.
[GM]Dave>> Were they any good?
Player>> ...
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Were they hot?
Player>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
Player>> Don't you want to know his name?
[GM]Dave>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> I don't swing that way.
Player>> I mean so you can punish him.
[GM]Dave>> That's disgusting.
Player>> Dammit, I want you to punish him.
[GM]Dave>> Are you coming on to me?
Player>> No...
[GM]Dave>> I put on my robe and wizard hat...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
Player>> Aren't you going to do something?
[GM]Dave>> What do you want me to do?
[GM]Dave>> Bow chikka wow wow
Player>> Oh god...
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> I'm in your area, but I can't seem to locate you.
Player>> I'm near the AH.
[GM]Dave>> Too many people.
[GM]Dave>> What are you wearing?
Player>> Uh... my White Mage AF gear...
[GM]Dave>> Oh yeah, baby.
[GM]Dave>> Damn, that's hot.
Player>> This is sick.
Player>> I'm leaving.
[GM]Dave>> Oh. It's like that, is it?
[GM]Dave>> Seduce the innocent GM and then leave him.
Player>> What the hell are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> It's too late.
[GM]Dave>> Just go.
Player>> You need help.
[GM]Dave>> Is that an offer?
[GM]Dave>> Bow chikka wow wow
[GM]Dave>> Hello?

Your tell could not be received. The player has logged out, cancelled her content IDs, uninstalled the game, and is right now smashing her modem with a ball-peen hammer.

[GM]Dave>> Dammit.

Seriously. You can't go out in the rain and then complain about getting wet.

Use your blacklist, tell him you're really a guy, do something.

Just don't call me.

Monday, April 24, 2006

It's Not a Glitch

Alternate Title: "You're Just Retarded."

I hate when we add new quests.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.


Every damned time we add new quests, it's like someone opens a stupidity flood gate. The useless, pointless, idiotic GM calls pour from the sky like rain.

Very low IQ rain.

I mean, is it that hard to just do a damned quest on your own?

You go to person A. They need/want/have something. They need/want you to do something with this thing.

Hilarity ensues.

Seriously. Each quest has specific steps that must be followed. You can't skip over steps and expect the game to just figure out what you meant to do.

We've all been there. You organize a huge group to run through an event. It takes hours to organize and prepare, and then you set off.

Everything is going fantastic. You have a little bit of trouble, but not much. And then you get there...

And some moron forgot to initiate the quest.

So, now you're in the middle of nowhere with a group or tired, angry people, and one idiot saying "I don't know what happened."

Now, imagine all that frustration and rage you might feel, and imagine you had to go through that with every GM call.

That's my life.

Note to self: kill self.

This morning was the last straw.

GM Call Description: Glitch in Corsair Flag Quest.

See, now that bothers me.

Why do people automatically assume it has to be a glitch?

I mean, a few hundred thousand other people managed to complete the quest just fine, but something bad happens and it has to be a problem with the quest.

Oh, yeah. That makes a lot of sense.

The only glitch in the quest is the moron who can't follow simple directions.

In the interest of customer service (read: for my own sick amusement), I warp right over to "help" this player out.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand your armor just isn't feminine enough.
Player>> No. I'm trying to unlock Corsair.
[GM]Dave>> That's what I said.
[GM]Dave>> You want girly armor.
[GM]Dave>> I got it.
Player>> Anyway, there's a glitch in the quest.
[GM]Dave>> The matrix has you.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> And how exactly do you know it's a glitch.
Player>> Well, I'm doing the quest and it won't work.
[GM]Dave>> Woah woah woah.
[GM]Dave>> Slow down with the technical jargon, Mr. Computer.
Player>> I'm on PS2 actually.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shocked.
[GM]Dave>> Really, I am.
Player>> So what do I do?
[GM]Dave>> Did you initiate the quest?
Player>> Yup.
Player>> I talked to the guy.
[GM]Dave>> And what did "the guy" say?
Player>> Something about a guy and a boat.
Player>> I think.
[GM]Dave>> Do you work for Brady?
Player>> No. Why?
[GM]Dave>> Just wondering.
[GM]Dave>> So what did you do after that?
Player>> I went and got a Lamia Fang Key.
Player>> And then someone told me to go to Talcca Cove.
[GM]Dave>> So some guy tells you to go and you just run.
[GM]Dave>> And this is your glitch.
Player>> Yeah, the job won't unlock.
Player>> The ??? won't give me a gun.
[GM]Dave>> Let me check this out.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmmm...
[GM]Dave>> Did you go to Attohwa Chasm?
Player>> Attohwa Chasm?
Player>> No one told me about that.
[GM]Dave>> Oh yeah.
[GM]Dave>> You totally have to go to Attohwa Chasm first.
Player>> Oh...
Player>> Can I go there at level 34?

Sometimes, they just make it too easy.

[GM]Dave>> Of course you can.
[GM]Dave>> I can warp you right over if you want.
Player>> Thx.

Son of a...

[GM]Dave>> No problem.


Player>> Now what?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> Now you fight an NM.
Player>> By myself?
[GM]Dave>> Well, I'm certainly not going to help.
[GM]Dave>> That would be suicide.
Player>> Suicide?

Tiamat hits Player for 9,483 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Tiamat.
Player falls to level 33.

[GM]Dave>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Suicide.
[GM]Dave>> Good thing we got that glitch worked out.

In future, if a quest does not work properly, blame yourself and start over.

If that doesn't work, blame yourself and start over.

If that doesn't work, set your computer on fire and go play Monopoly.

The game is fine. The quest is fine.

You're the problem.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

[GM]Dave Turns Over A New Leaf

Alternate Title: "And Finds The Same Old Leaf."

It is difficult to always be evil. Not impossible. Just difficult.

But I love a challenge.

Today, however, I woke up in a very good mood. Very good.

So good, as a matter of fact, that I decided to actually do something good today. A random good deed before I begin my normal hectic schedule of dragon feedings.

I did a quick search of a random server and came across a low level player. A nice level 4 Hume just outside of Bastok. A quick account check showed he just started and was not a mule.


[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer. I greet you well.


[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.


[GM]Dave>> Are you there?


[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Type /t Dave and then a message to talk to me.
Player>> and then a message to talk to me.
[GM]Dave>> That's good...
[GM]Dave>> Sort of.
Player>> Hi.
[GM]Dave>> It speaks.
[GM]Dave>> Someone call Ripley's.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> I just wanted to welcome you to our world.
Player>> Thx.

Okay, he just said "thx". Usually, this is enough for me to send him to the complaints department.

I mean, seriously, is it that hard to just type "thanks"? It's just three more damned letters.

And what the hell does "thx" mean exactly? He just said "thacks". What the hell is that?

He's new though, so I let that one slide.

[GM]Dave>> Don't mention it.
Player>> kewl

Dear sweet merciful lord. He's not even saving letters anymore.

Now, he's just phonetically butchering our language.

But, I'm going to be nice. Even if it kills him.

I mean me. Even if it kills me.

[GM]Dave>> So...
[GM]Dave>> How are you enjoying the game?
Player>> It's fun, but a little hard.
Player>> I'm saving up for a new sword.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I have some good news.
[GM]Dave>> I'm giving you 5,000 gil to help you get started.

See? I can be nice. I really can.

And it only burns slightly.

Player>> Wow! Thx!

Son of a...

[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> This should help you toward that new sword.

I'm actually feeling good about this. I gave him some gil and he's happy. I've done a good deed.

And noone got fed to a dragon.

Player>> Actually...
Player>> Could you make it 8,000 gil?
Player>> The sword is expensive.

And there it is.

I finally break down and do something nice. I don't do nice things.

Occasionally, I will do slightly less evil things. But that's it.

So, I go out of my way to help this guy out and what does he do? He asks for more.

[GM]Dave is not happy. And when [GM]Dave is not happy, bad things happen to people.

[GM]Dave>> No problem. 8,000 it is.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like some armor, as well?
Player>> Sure.
Player>> Thx.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. 8,000 gil and new armor.
[GM]Dave>> Anything else?
Player>> I'm not sure.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I could give you a chocobo pass...
[GM]Dave>> Or some mining gear...
[GM]Dave>> Or a pet dragon...

Wait for it.

Player>> A pet dragon?
Player>> I want a pet dragon.


[GM]Dave>> No problem, Adventurer.


Player>> Uh...
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> We're getting your pet dragon.


Player>> What the hell was that?
[GM]Dave>> That was your new pet.
[GM]Dave>> I like the name "Fluffy".

Jormungand hits Player for 12,863 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> You forgot to say "thx".
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?

Moral of the story: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Or you may end up looking a gift dragon in the digestive system.

Good advice there.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Back to Business

Okay, that didn't happen.

It didn't.

Let's move on.

So, this morning I was doing my usual server maintenance (read: turning servers on and off at random), when I got a GM call from a player.

A player named Sefferoth.

GM Call Description: I'm too stupid to live. Feed me to a dragon.

Okay, so that's not exactly what it said. But with a name like that, he was practically asking for it.

Suddenly, I was struck by an idea, an epiphany. Suddenly, a marvelous, beautiful, terrible thing laid itself out before my mind.

Oh, this was going to be fun.

I did a quick server search, selected the appropriate players and warped them all to Mordion Gaol.


And there they stood, a legion of morons with Sephiroth rip off names. A legion of players with a base IQ just above that of a cheese sandwich.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you 're all too stupid to come up with your own name.
[GM]Dave>> We're not sure if this is due to naturally low IQ
[GM]Dave>> Or being dropped as a child.
[GM]Dave>> Results are pending.
[GM]Dave>> Does anyone have any questions?
Seppiroth>> Why are we all here?

Jormungand hits Seppiroth for 9,693 points of damage.
Seppiroth was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Any more questions?
[GM]Dave>> Anybody?
Sefirot>> You can't do this!

Jormungand hits Sefirot for 8,751 points of damage.
Sefirot was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Anybody else?
Seppheroth>> That wasn't a question.

Jormungand hits Seppheroth for 9,226 points of damage.
Seppheroth was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Neither was that.
[GM]Dave>> Any more questions?


[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Alright, you are all about to take part in a new event.
[GM]Dave>> One of you has been given an "S" Egg item.
[GM]Dave>> You have also all been set to PvP.
[GM]Dave>> Whoever has the "S" Egg at the end, gets to keep their name.
[GM]Dave>> Everyone else gets their character deleted.

I wonder how stupid these people really are.

[GM]Dave>> Are there any questions?
Sseferroth>> So all we do is find the egg?

Jormungand hits Sseferroth for 9,148 points of damage.
Sseferroth was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> So... no questions, I assume.
[GM]Dave>> Good. Go.

After that, Mordion Gaol became complete anarchy. N00bs killing n00bs. Abbreviations and misspellings gave way to screams of pain.

I almost cried it was so beautiful.

I really should have given one of those idiots an "S" Egg.

So, I left them to their little event and warped to the next Mordion Gaol room.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you 're all too stupid to come up with your own name.
[GM]Dave>> Are there any questions?
Clowd>> Why are we all here?

Damn, I love this job some days.

Friday, April 21, 2006

A Serious Note

Sorry to disappoint you, but this will not be another episode of [GM]Dave's life.

I am seriously considering quitting this blog.

I love writing these stories. I probably laugh more than you do reading them. They're every weird, funny thought Ihave during the day put into story form, and I just love doing it.

But recent events have taken some of that joy away.

I was running ads on the top of both of my blogs to generate some additional revenue. It was not a lot of money, but it made the blog feel all the more worthwhile. Like I was making money doing something that I honestly enjoyed.

It was never about the money to begin with. I've been writing humor stories and posts on countless forums for years. These blogs simply offered a new outlet for my creativity. These blogs were just another way for me to entertain my fellow FFXI players and, hopefully, bring them a much deserved laugh.

They money was, however, cool. It felt like a form of feedback really on howmany people checked my blog each day. My funnier days, I seemed to generate more clicks. It was something I could use to understand how you liked or disliked the days update. As well, the ads didn't cost my readers anything.

The company that delivered those ads, however, has decided that I was attempting to generate false revenue by inflating the clicks on my ads. At least, that's what I got from the form letter e-mail I received telling me that all the money I had earned was being taken away for no apparent reason.

I've gone through the appeal process with no success. They've refused to give me any idea why my account is being closed or any proof of impropriety. Basically, it amounts to they have the money so they can take it away.

Unfortunately, this entire situation has left me with a sour taste in my mouth. It's kind of hard to come up with funny ideas after someone basically accuses you of cheating and then takes $100 on you.

As of right now, I don't know what's going to happen. I feel cheated and mistreated. I also don't really feel like being funny right now.

You never know. Maybe tomorrow, I'll wake up and feel like writing again. I really hope so.

If not, I'm glad you enjoyed this blog and I'm glad I was able to make your day just a little brighter for such a short time.

Remember, all of life's problems can be solved with a dragon.


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

East Meets West: Tak 2

Get it? The title's a pun.


So, this morning I was doing my usual thing and getting ready to head out for a nice lunch (read: drinking binge), when I get a tell in game.

It's my good friend [GM]Takana.

"Lunch" can wait.

[GM]Dave>> Heya, Tak.
[GM]Dave>> Where have you been?
[GM]Takana>> You blocked my IP.
[GM]Dave>> Did I?
[GM]Dave>> I don't remember doing that.
[GM]Takana>>Yes, you did it after I tried to get you fired.
[GM]Takana>> For abusing players.
[GM]Dave>> Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[GM]Dave>> Nope. Doesn't ring any bells.
[GM]Dave>> So... how've you been?
[GM]Takana>> Listen, you bastard, I'm not here to chat.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I don't really feel like exping right now.
[GM]Dave>> (( I'm sorry. )) (( I'm playing solo right now. ))
[GM]Takana>> I don't want to party.
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you ask?
[GM]Takana>> I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, you did.
[GM]Dave>> That's why I said I don't feel like exping.
[GM]Dave>> Why would I say that if you didn't ask?
[GM]Takana>> I didn't ask you to party.
[GM]Dave>> Seems to me that I'd only say that if you asked me.
[GM]Dave>> Doesn't really make sense the other way.
[GM]Dave>> To what?
[GM]Takana>> Party.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I don't really feel like exping right now.
[GM]Dave>> (( I'm sorry. )) (( I'm playing solo right now. ))
[GM]Dave>> Not this again...
[GM]Dave>> Okay... you didn't ask me to party.
[GM]Takana>> There. That's better.
[GM]Dave>> Suuuurrrrrrrrrrrre you didn't.
[GM]Dave>> Wow, Tak. Simmer down a bit.
[GM]Dave>> Tak... Can I call you Tak?
[GM]Takana>> I WILL END YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Tak, that was highly unnecessary.
[GM]Dave>> Such language is against GM rules of conduct.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I have to report you.
[GM]Takana>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Sadly, I must.
[GM]Dave>> I can't help but feel partly responsible.
[GM]Takana>> PARTLY?!!!
[GM]Dave>> If only I had gone partying when you asked.
[GM]Dave>> None of this would have happened.
[GM]Dave>> Didn't ask me to what?
[GM]Takana>> PARTY
[GM]Dave>> Well, I don't really feel like exping right now.
[GM]Dave>> (( I'm sorry. )) (( I'm playing solo right now. ))
[GM]Takana>> DIE!
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?

Man, it was a tough day for GMs everywhere. I had to answer calls, Tak got in trouble, and later on I heard some GM in Japan went nuts and shot himself.

Just one of those days, I guess.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Just Play the FREAKIN' Game

Seriously. Just shut up right now.

Zip it.

If one more stupid person asks me how to unlock this or how to get to this new place, someone is going to die. And I don't mean fed to a dragon kind of die.

We just put in the new content. JUST.

I mean would you people actually try and do something, hell anything, on your own?

Right now, there are people who are combing through the new data files, so that they can post all the information about the new content.

Either wait for them or find out by your damned self.





Seriously. The point of a damned video game is to play it and win on your own.

Sure, ask in game for hints or help, but do you really have fun running through a checklist you printed off after someone else mined through the data files?

Is there victory in that?

Today, I came so close so close to just running a magnet over all the servers and watching Vana'diel (and all of your whining little characters) disappear.

After the umpteen thousandth GM call asking for new Treasures of Aht Urhgan info, I decided to check the call queue.

1,493 GM calls pending across 18 servers.

That was when I snapped. Game on, bitches.

I'd never actually seen 1,493 players in Mordion Gaol before.

[GM]Dave>> Okay, you have all been brought here for being too stupid.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted a new area. Here's your new area.
[GM]Dave>> Try out the new quest "Don't Drop the Soap."
[GM]Dave>> Are there any questions?
Player573>> Uhh... when can we get out?
[GM]Dave>> There is no "out" anymore.
[GM]Dave>> There is only "in" now.
[GM]Dave>> You will come to accept it.
Player882>> Let us out!
[GM]Dave>> Remember, kill someone right away.
[GM]Dave>> That way you won't end up somebody's "bitch".
[GM]Dave>> Have you ever seen Prison Break?
Player1265>> You can't do this to us.
[GM]Dave>> I love that show.
[GM]Dave>> Scofield is awesome.
Player137>> plz let us out
[GM]Dave>> Did you just say "plz"?
[GM]Dave>> Poor grammar is frowned upon here in D block.
[GM]Dave>> Meet your new cellmate.

Jormungand uses You Got a Purdy Mouth.
Player137 takes 32,841 points of damage.
Player137 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Are there any more questions?
[GM]Dave>> I take your silence as cautious acceptance.
[GM]Dave>> Or the fact that I disabled your tells.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?

If you have already placed a GM call asking for help with the new things we added, just unplug your computer and eat your video card. You'll be saving us both some trouble.

Unless you'd like Jormungand as a cellmate. As I understand it, he can be quite gentle when he wants to be.

Monday, April 17, 2006

FFXI =/= Oxygen

You do not need FFXI to survive.

You don't.


You could even go entire days without playing. You could go outside and see objects with life-like TnL and Pixel Shading. Or you could sleep.

But every damned time we have a maintenance, it's like the end of the freakin' world.


It's okay. It's going to be okay. Breathe deep. Do you smell that?

That smell is idiot.

Honestly, you will survive the maintenance. Yeah, yeah, I know. You have plants to check on, or auctions to watch, or you're studying the migration habits of the wild hare.

It will all freakin' wait.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to do server maintenance? Or to add new game data to a pre-existing system? Or to run a real-time global world across multiple servers?

I don't either, but that sounds damned hard.

Maintenance takes time. Maybe more time than we originally planned. It happens.

I know it ruins your whole day. But you have to understand the larger picture.

Your whining ruins MY day.

Think of the big picture, people.

Here's just a few of the GM calls I received during our last maintenance.

GM Call Description: Are the servers up yet?

GM Call Description: How about now?

GM Call Description: Why can't I log in?

GM Call Description: How about now?

GM Call Description: theserversdown theserversdown ohno ohno whatdoido whatdoido noffxiandnoexpmakemesomethingsomething gocrazy don'tmindifido

GM Call Description: How about now?

Seriously, people. It's time to pull the plug. I'll have your nice, shiny bans waiting when you finally log in.

Do you know what we do sometimes? Just to get back at all you whiners?

We extend maintenance for no reason.

Or sometimes we schedule a maintenance for no reason and then do nothing.

Last maintenance took 4 minutes total. The rest of the time, we were having a kegger in Mordion Gaol.

Damn, that was fun.

And we kept sending it each prank GM calls.

GM Call Description: HELP! MAH PANTS IZ ON FIRE!

Sigh. Too bad we had to let you people back on our servers.

Next time, do us all a favor. Just forget the maintenance schedule and go do something else.

And by something else, I do not mean "go play WoW".

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Trying To Hold Me Back

Apparently, I am not above the law.

I should write that down somewhere.

The Japanese player that I provided customer service to (read: fed to a dragon) filed a complaint with a Japanese GM after "the incident".

Now, there seems to be a misunderstanding amongst the general FFXI populace. Many players think that Japanese GMs have a greater deal of power or authority than us.

They are wrong.

We are all equals. Well... in terms of game based abilities.

They cannot be equal to Dave, afterall.

Unfortunately, some Japanese GMs fall under the same misconception and try to put undue pressure on us. And by us, I mean North American GMs. And by North American GMs, I mean North American GMs who break the rules.

And by North American GMs who break the rules, I mean me.

Today, as I was getting ready to end another shift of mindless idiocy, I got a tell from another GM in Japan.

[GM]Takana>> Dave, I need to speak with you for a minute.
[GM]Dave>> Sure thing. What do you need?
[GM]Dave>> Are dragons involved?
[GM]Takana>> Kind of. We got a report from a JP player.
[GM]Takana>> Apparently, you fed him to Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to have to be more specific.
[GM]Takana>> You fed him to Jormungand yesterday.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to have to be more specific.
[GM]Takana>> Yesterday morning.
[GM]Dave>> Listen, Tak... mind if I call you Tak?
[GM]Takana>> Please don't.
[GM]Dave>> Tak, I feed a lot of players to Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> I mean, a lot.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to have to be more specific.
[GM]Takana>> Why do you feed players to Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I'd feed them to Tiamat
[GM]Dave>> But Jormungand sounds funnier.
[GM]Takana>> I mean why would you kill players?
[GM]Dave>> They sent me GM calls.
[GM]Takana>> But you're a GM.
[GM]Dave>> I don't see where you're going with this.
[GM]Takana>> They're supposed to send you calls.
[GM]Takana>> You're a GM.
[GM]Takana>> They're GM calls.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not following...
[GM]Takana>> Stop feeding people to dragons.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> What should I feed them to?
[GM]Takana>> Nothing. Stop feeding people to anything.
[GM]Dave>> Let's not get crazy here.
[GM]Dave>> Dragons are what I do.
[GM]Dave>> Next thing, you'll be telling me to listen to players.
[GM]Takana>> That would be nice.
[GM]Dave>> For who?
[GM]Takana>> For the players.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah... see, that's not a good enough reason.
[GM]Dave>> I'm more of a "good for Dave" kinda guy.
[GM]Takana>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And feeding people to dragons is good for Dave.
[GM]Takana>> If you don't stop, I'm going to have you fired.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. Really?
[GM]Takana>> I'm afraid so.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to try something else instead.
[GM]Dave>> How about IP bannings?
[GM]Takana>> You cannot ban players like that.
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about players?

Unfortunately, the call ended kind of abruptly there.

Possibly due to the fact that [GM]Takana can no longer access the game servers.

We may be equals in terms of in game powers, but that doesn't help much when you can't get in game.

I said I was not above the law. I did not say I was subject to it.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

A Meeting of Cultures

Alternate Title: "Lost in Translation"

One of the key aspects of Final Fantasy XI is that it is an MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Roleplaying Game). This means that players from countless countries can come together in the same game in the spirit of cooperation.

It also means I have to deal with three times as many stupid people.

Now, GM calls are usually handled by a GM from the same country as the player placing the call. This helps with communication and customer satisfaction.

Plus, I get enough stupidity from the english player base.

Occasionally, however, I will receive a few GM calls placed by Japanese players.

I don't mind this. I bear no ill will toward the Japanese peoples. But stupidity in another language is still stupidity and must be treated accordingly.

So they get fed to a ryuu instead of a dragon. It all works out.

Early this morning, I was just about to end a late shift, when I got a call from a Japanese player.

GM Call Description: Suminasen, michi ni mayoi mashita. (( The Boyahda Tree )) e no ikikata o oshiete kudasai.

In case you don't speak Japanese, this roughly translates to "Excuse me, I am lost. Can you show me how to get to Boyahda Tree?"

Now, does that sound like an emergency? Does it sound like something to bother a GM over?

I don't care what language you speak, that was just plain stupid.

And stupidity must be dealt with.

[GM]Dave>> Ohayo gozaimasu. O genki desu ka?
Player>> Hai, genki desu. Anata wa?
[GM]Dave>> (( I'm sorry. )) (( I don't speak any Japanese. ))
Player>> (( I don't speak any English. ))
Player>> (( Please use the auto-translate function. ))

Here, I am faced with a choice. I can:
a) use the auto-translate function carefully to convey my ideas
b) use the auto-translate function to horribly frustrate this player

If you're reading this blog, I'm pretty sure you know the choice I made.

[GM]Dave>> (( word )) (( Up )), (( Home point ))!
Player>> (( What? ))
[GM]Dave>> (( Ready to start Skillchain. ))
Player>> (( I don't understand. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( I'll follow you. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( I'm playing solo right now. ))
Player>> Anata wa dame desu.
[GM]Dave>> (( That's interesting. ))
Player>> Urusai, baka yaro.

Now, I'm don't speak Japanese, but I know the important words (read: curse words).

This is unacceptable.

[GM]Dave>> (( Help desk )) (( Do you need it? ))
Player>> (( Yes, please. ))


Jormungand hits Player for 10,825 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 52.

Player>> Chikusho!
[GM]Dave>> (( Can I add you to my friends list? ))

Remember: stupidity is universal.

And so are dragons.

Friday, April 14, 2006

You Don't Impress Me.

Why do people insist on trying to impress me with their jobs?

I mean, I hate the absolute n00bs who make stupid GM calls, but at least they can plead ignorance and lack of experience.

What I really hate are the high level players who assume their problem is important simply because they are high level.

Wow! You have a level 75 job! I am so impressed!

That and four dollars will buy you a cup of coffee.

I just imagine these people in real life situations.

"You can't fire me! I'm a level 75 BRD!"

"Hey, baby. You ever see a level 75 BLM in full AFB?"

"It's okay, officer. I'm a level 75 ninja."

Do these people really expect me to just bow down to their awesome level grinding ability. Sure, leveling sucks. And making it to 75 is an accomplishment, but really.

I'm not impressed.

Every now and then, though, I get one of those GM calls where someone pulls out the old "I'm a level 75 something-something", as if that changes things.

Last night, I was just starting a new file (and by file, I mean a bottle of whisky) when I got a GM call.

GM Call Description: Someone stole my Scorpion Harness.

Now, it's not actually possible to steal something like that. At least, not unless the person who owns the item does something terribly stupid.

And I mean terribly stupid.

I was going to ignore the call and really get into that new "file", when a second GM call popped up.

GM Call Description: Someone stole my Scorpion Harness.

Okay. Now, I'm annoyed.

And when I get annoyed, people get eaten by dragons.

Side note: I love my job.

So, I log into Phoenix server and start looking for the player who placed the calls.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Scionith. Good day to you, Adventurer.
Scionith>> Yeah, yeah. Someone stole my Scorpion Harness.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm... I did not know job abilities affected other players.
Scionith>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> How did a Thief use "Steal" on you?
Scionith>> What are you an idiot?
Scionith>> I loaned him my Scorpion Harness and he never gave it back.
[GM]Dave>> And how exactly did you loan it to him?
Scionith>> Well, I gave it to him.
Scionith>> And he kept it.
[GM]Dave>> So you gave it to him?
Scionith>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Gave it to him?
Scionith>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> Huh...
[GM]Dave>> That was pretty stupid, wasn't it?
Scionith>> Just get my harness back.
[GM]Dave>> How about no?
Scionith>> Listen. I'm a level 75 Ninja, Thief, and Black Mage.
[GM]Dave>> Wow! Really! That's awesome!
[GM]Dave>> Would you like a cookie?
Scionith>> Just get my damned harness.
Scionith>> NOW.
[GM]Dave>> Sure. Who did you GIVE it to?
Scionith>> A taru named Rathanel.
Scionith>> Bastard.
[GM]Dave>> Let me go talk to him.

*dramatic pause*

A few minutes later, I appear in front of Scionith in full GM gear.

Well... full GM gear and a Scorpion Harness.

[GM]Dave>> Damn. This is a nice harness.
[GM]Dave>> Rath says hi.
Scionith>> Thanks.
[GM]Dave>> For what?
Scionith>> Uhh... getting my harness back.
[GM]Dave>> You mean my harness?
Scionith>> I want my harness back.
[GM]Dave>> I assume you would.
[GM]Dave>> It's a nice harness.
Scionith>> Can I have it back then?
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of moron would give away a scorpion harness?
[GM]Dave>> Besides you, I mean.
Scionith>> You don't want to get on my bad side.
[GM]Dave>> You have a good side?
Scionith>> I'm a level 75 Ninja. I have lots of friends in game.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, look!
[GM]Dave>> Now, I'm a level 75 Ninja!
[GM]Dave>> Now, I'm a level 75 Red Mage!
Scionith>> Shut up, you bastard.
[GM]Dave>> Now, I'm a level 85 White Mage!
[GM]Dave>> Now, I'm some form of duck I think!
Scionith>> I am so going to get you fired.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to direct you to our complaints manager?


Scionith>> Damn straight.
Scionith>> Say goodbye to your job.
[GM]Dave>> Question.
[GM]Dave>> How are you at soloing?
Scionith>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> No reason.

Jormungand hits Scionith for 8,942 points of damage.
Scionith was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> Not so good with the soloing.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?

Moral of the story: a level 75 job can quickly become a level 75 corpse.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

GM Stands For...

Game Master.

Say it with me. GAME MASTER.

Now, anyone with half an IQ point would probably be able to figure out that I am here for gameplay emergencies. I mean, it just makes sense.

Even if it didn't make perfect sense, it's spelled out in the agreement you signed as well as they GM help screen. I'm here for emergencies. Whatever your current problem, I'm 99.9% sure that it isn't an emergency.

There's two people in this world who care about your problem:

a) you
b) not me

Basically, just don't call me.


There may be dragon related violence if you do.

You should especially not call me for something so monumentally stupid that I want to drive to your house and beat you with your own keyboard.

But no. Every now and then (read: every third call), is so fundamentally idiotic that I must respond.

GM Call Description: How do I get to Kuftal Tunnel?

Seriously. Good lord. Does this sound like something that can be classified as an emergency?

I could have just banned this poor fool, but decided that that was too good for him.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand yu're having trouble finding Kuftal Tunnel.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> What's your highest level job?
Player>> Lvl 50 DRK
[GM]Dave>> Perfect.
Player>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> No reason.

Now anyone can just torture someone. I should know. But nothing is more painful than getting yourself into trouble.

[GM]Dave>> Well, there's one little problem.
Player>> What's that?
[GM]Dave>> I can only send people to their Homepoint.
[GM]Dave>> And your Homepoint is nowhere near Kuftal.

Wait for it.

Player>> Could you reset my hp near Kuftal.


[GM]Dave>> I suppose I could try.
[GM]Dave>> That's a good idea.
Player>> Thanks, man.

I love irony.

[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, I've set your homepoint near Kuftal.
Player>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to warp you?
Player>> Yes, please.


Area: Cape Terrigan

Player>> How do I get to Kuftal from here?
[GM]Dave>> The zoneline is just over there a little ways.
Player>> Umm... everything here checks as incredibly tough.
[GM]Dave>> Well, they would.
[GM]Dave>> They're all way above your level.
Player>> But they'll kill me.
[GM]Dave>> Most likely, yes.
[GM]Dave>> But your hp is right here so you can try again.
[GM]Dave>> And again.
[GM]Dave>> And again.
Player>> Are you serious?
[GM]Dave>> Of course I am.
Player>> How am I supposed to get out of here?
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> GMs cannot answer gameplay related questions.
Player>> But you just did.
[GM]Dave>> I've also removed your ability to send tells.
[GM]Dave>> Good luck with that.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?

I like helping people.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

You Did Not Overbid

Alternate title: "A Fool and His Money..."

You did not overbid at the Auction House.

You didn't. It's not possible.

What happened was you bid an amount that was accepted in trade for a requested item. A seller placed an item on auction for a specified minimum purchase price and you either met or exceeded that amount.

If you accidentally bid more than you had intended, that is three things:

a) unfortunate

b) your own fault

c) not my damned fault

Yes, yes. There was lag. You thought you were bidding on another item. The sun was in your eyes.

Boo freakin' hoo.

The auction house system in Final Fantasy XI is designed so that a bidder may offer any amount for any item. That offer will then be accepted or rejected based on whether or not you have met a minimum price set by the seller.

The fact that you are too

a) slow
b) stupid
c) careless

is not our concern. You offered, they accepted. End of story.

Earlier today, a player filed a GM call about such an overbid.

GM Call Description: Overbid at Auction House

Now, usually, I would completely ignore this call and just throw a 72 hour suspension at them. Since I was in a good (read: cruel) mood, I decided to humor this person by answering.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer. I greet you well.
Player>> hi
[GM]Dave>> So... apparently you're too slow to understand the AH system.
Player>> No. I overbid.
[GM]Dave>> You say tomato...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing
[GM]Dave>> So... apparently you're too slow to understand the AH system.
Player>> No. I overbid.
Player>> I told you that.
[GM]Dave>> This is going to be a long day.
[GM]Dave>> So... apparently you're too slow to understand the AH system.
Player>> I OVERBID
[GM]Dave>> So... apparently you're too slow to understand the AH system.
Player>> Stop being a jerk. I overbid and I want my money back.
[GM]Dave>> Let me get this straight. You made a stupid bid.
[GM]Dave>> And now you want your money back just because you say so.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> (( I don't know how to answer that. ))
Player>> Just give me my 900,000 gil and you can have the sword.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of moron would pay 900,000 for that sword?
[GM]Dave>> I mean other than you.
Player>> Listen, you tard. Just FIX IT!
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Please wait.
Player>> Finally.

*dramatic pause*

[GM]Dave>> Okay, done.
Player>> About freakin' time.
[GM]Dave>> I have removed the rest of your gil to buy more swords.
[GM]Dave>> You will find them in your inventory.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> And moghouse.
[GM]Dave>> And delivery box.
Player>> But I had millions of gil.
[GM]Dave>> Now you have swords.
[GM]Dave>> Lots of swords.
Player>> Wait... where's all of my gear?
[GM]Dave>> They were taking up space needed for your sword collection.
[GM]Dave>> Sacrifices had to be made.
[GM]Dave>> No problem.

*Another dramatic pause*

[SGM]Dave>> So... apparently you're too slow to understand the AH system.
[SGM]Dave>> Nice sword.
Player>> I want to file a complaint against you.
[SGM]Dave>> Would you like me to transfer you to our complaints manager?


Player>> Yes. You're going to pay for this.


Jormungand hits Player for 8,533 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 29.
Jormungand finds a Freakin' Sweet Sword on the Player.
Jormungand obtains
a Freakin' Sweet Sword.

[SGM]Dave>> You know, I never get tired of that.

Remember: you bid, you buy. If you overbid, you still buy.

Man up, take the hit, and learn from it.

Or get eaten by a dragon.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

To the Doubters

Some people seem to think that I'm not a GM. They're saying that I could never get away with the things I do.

The problem seems to be that you do not understand the system.

You are not a GM. You're not. You have no understanding of our world. Our power. I understand you are trying to simply comprehend something so far beyond you, so I shouldn't hold your misconceptions against you.

I'm going to, but I probably shouldn't.

The only limit to my behavior is my imagination. Whatever cruelty can inspire me to conceive, I can enact upon the player populace.

Have a bad day? Ban a handful of Valkurm n00bs.

Didn't sleep well? Suspend an NM camper.

Stub my toe? Jail a handful of HNMLSes.

There is no jurisdiction for a Game Master. Race and nationality mean nothing to me. All players are equal in my eyes.

Or at least equally deserving of a ban.

Before you question [GM]Dave, you should ask yourself what your account is worth to you.

Can I suspend you? Can I ban you?

Do you feel lucky, PUNK?

The Only Good Bot is a Dead Bot

There are no good bots.

There are no bots that are acceptable by even the farthest stretch of the imagination. Any program you are running that performs game actions for you is evil.

And you are bad for using them.


That's why I do not feel any remorse for dealing with (read: horribly mutilating) a botter/cheater.

And the excuses. Oh lord.

Here are just a few of the excuses I see every single day.

[GM]Dave>> You've been caught using a fishing bot.
Botter>> Uh, yeah... I had to use the bathroom
Botter>> So, I told my two year old to press the buttons
Botter>> But not answer any tells

[GM]Dave>> You've been caught using a Provoke script.
Botter>> Uh, yeah... I just tab through all the targets in the room
Botter>> At inhuman speeds.
Botter>> I'm just real fast is all.

[GM]Dave>> You've been caught using a speedhack.
Botter>> Uh, yeah... this isn't my computer
Botter>> This is my cousins computer
Botter>> And I totally didn't know that was there

Do you honestly expect anyone to believe you?

You just didn't notice that you were running at three times the normal speed. Surrrrrrre you didn't.

I would honestly prefer if a botter would just man up and tell me they were wrong and that they're sorry. That would be cool.

I might even not ban them.

Might being the operative word there.

But no. Every damned time, the stupid botter has to argue about how innocent they are.

Yesterday, I was called over to the Ga'Bhu Unvanquished spawn point in Beadeaux.

GM Call Description: Camping Valk Mask. Other player acting strange.

This I had to see.

I warp over and right away notice this guy absolutely losing it. It looked like he was having an epileptic seizure or something.

His head was snapping around so fast, I thought his neck was going to break or something.

[GM]Dave>> Hello there, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Are you okay?

Silence. Absolute silence.


[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you are having a seizure.
[GM]Dave>> I am going to evac you to a safer area.

So I warp him to Fafnir's spawn point.

[GM]Dave>> Don't worry. There's noone here.


[GM]Dave>> 'Cept him.

A couple of key presses later and Fafnir has changed his name. To Ga'Bhu Unvanquished.

Do you see where this is going?

[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> But provoking Fafnir is counter productive.

Botter uses Provoke.
Fafnir hits Botter for 3,582 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Fafnir.

[GM]Dave>> I warned you.
[GM]Dave>> Here. Let me raise you.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Botter.
Botter uses Provoke.
Fafnir hits Botter for 4,184 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Fafnir.

[GM]Dave>> Don't worry, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> We're going to do this until we get it right.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Botter.
Botter uses Provoke.
Fafnir hits Botter for 3,881 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Fafnir.

[GM]Dave>> I can only do this four or five hundred more times.

Moral of the story: Botters get eaten by dragons.

So, later (approximately four hours later), the botter comes back from being AFK.

That was some bathroom break.

And he starts freaking out.

Botter>> OMG! Why am I level 30 again?
[GM]Dave>> It was weird.
[GM]Dave>> You kept on provoking Fafnir.
[GM]Dave>> All 183 times I raised you.
Botter>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> Well, the legal reason is "Botters get eaten by Dragons."
Botter>> I wasn't botting.
[GM]Dave>> So you sat there and kept provoking Fafnir.
[GM]Dave>> For four hours.
[GM]Dave>> Solo.
Botter>> This isn't my computer...

Why are people so stupid?

Not regular people, mind you. Sadly, I usually only deal with the bottom of the remedial class, but damn.

If you bot, you are just asking to get fed to a dragon. You're asking for it.

Give a hoot. Don't bot.