Saturday, December 18, 2010


And we're back.

I don't suppose you'd believe I was having router issues this entire time?



Susan has been yelling (literally YELLING) at me to do an update and let you guys know how everything is going. I have been putting this off because I've:

a) been waiting for something bad to happen

b) trying to sleep in the few minutes when I'm not working or changing diapers or cleaning up puke or feeding the baby or bathing the baby or rocking the baby or telling the baby to stop crying or walking around at 4 am with the baby in my arms because she feels like screaming instead of sleeping and Susan is making comments about murdering one or both of us if she can't get an hour's sleep

On an unrelated note: Parenting is AWESOME!

No, everything is going great here. Our little girl is super healthy and seems no worse for wear. The only thing was she was really small and we're taking care of that with breast milk and whatever bacon grease I can slip into a bottle before Susan notices.

Seriously, when that kid is old enough to eat solid food, she is eating at McDonald's every freaking day. I am going to cram chicken nuggets down her little throat until she's spherical.

If you ever have the opportunity to hold a 2 pound human being, I suggest you give it a shot. It will give you a new and profound respect for life.

It will also FREAK YOU THE F__K OUT.

Do you know what a bradycardia is? I shouldn't, but I do.

See, preemie babies have this funny habit of letting their hearts stop beating for no good goddamned reason. Seriously, she'd just be lying there looking around and then her heart would stop.

In case you failed biology: that is not good. Your heart stopping is counterproductive to being alive.

When you have a baby girl who weighs about as much as a bottle of pepsi and who tends to die at random intervals, it kind of messes you up a bit.

And I was already messed up before this whole thing started.

But she's out of the hospital and back home with us. The bradys have stopped and she's getting more and more like a people every day.

Soon, she will be ready to begin training in our ways. I've already made excellent progress in turning my older daughter into a tremendous geek. Her sister will follow her training just in case I ever have to lop the older one's hand off and throw her down a huge vent shaft in Cloud City or something.

You want to have a back up, amirite?

Everything is going great here. I haven't slept in weeks and I think I'm starting to hallucinate, but at least all of my girls are doing okay.

I'd also like to say a special thanks to everyone who made donations or sent messages in my absence. The notes really brightened my day and I made sure to spend donations on anything you guys asked. If the note said "buy some diapers", I bought some diapers. If the note said "buy yourself some Jack Daniel's", I bought myself some Jack Daniel's.

I love the person who wrote that by the way. The Jack Daniel's comes in handy right after you change a diaper.

I'm amazed at how awesome you guys are. Every time I read stories about how terrible internet people are, I feel like reaching through my monitor and slapping the writer in the face.

They just haven't met all of the great people on the internet.

They haven't met our people.

Thank you guys for everything.