Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Losing Their Marbles

I'm sure by now that most of you have already heard about the Mog Bonanza event.

In case you have not (because you either don't play FFXI or have been living on the moon), here's the basic concept:

Step 1) Players buy a marble

Step 2) Players put a number on that marble

Step 3) ???

Step 4) Profit

It all boils down to a simple lottery where players can pick a random 5 digit number in hopes of winning prizes.

Top prizes include some of the hardest to obtain or most valuable items in the game.


100,000,000 gil.

No, that wasn't a typo.

One hundred million gil.

I think one of the devs has seen Austin Powers a few too many times.

With that much gil you could buy Bastok.

Or something good.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Put down the rocks and ugly, hairy children.

Honestly, the system itself looks great. Some random player will be given the opportunity of a lifetime and get to choose one of the most coveted items in all of FFXI.

They'll carefully weight the impact each piece of armor or weaponry might have on their character. Epic debates will ensue over which piece is truly the most valuable.

And then they'll pick the money.

This isn't even a question.

Sure, the items are just plain awesome. I doubt there's a player in FFXI that wouldn't want something from that list.

And then they'll pick the money.

It's just a matter of plain old practicality. Those items may be hard to get, sure, but you can still get them.

But think about what you could do with one hundred million gil.

Just think about it.


Yeah, I have no idea what I'd do either, but I know it'd be totally awesome.

It could even be, dare I say it... wicked awesome.

Now, what do you think the player base did with this announcement?

Did they talk about which prize they'd want? Yeah.

But we expected that.

There were two other things we didn't expect:

a) everyone trying to figure out exactly how they could cheat the system

b) people claiming the lottery would break the economy.

That's not true. We totally expected that.

Well... I expected that.

I have a very low opinion of most of the player base.

I know. You're shocked.

Do you know what happened right after we made the announcement?

Half of the players hit the forums ready to complain about the impact on the economy.

The other half logged in and started making mules.

Lottery mules.

There are seriously people right now trying to level 15 mules to level 5 just so they can buy marbles.

I don't even have a punchline for that.

Apparently, the people behind the lottery concept did not consider the impact this would have on the Vana'diel bunny population.

I'm just wondering what someone is going to do if they win the 100,000,000 gil.

It'll probably take them about a minute to remember that you can only send 1,000,000 gil at a time to other characters.

Even your own.

That'll be a funny minute.

Player>> HOLY SHIT!
Player>> I WON!!!

*runs to the delivery NPC*

Player>> &*%@!!!

I swear I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Good To Know

Apparently, women do not find it funny nor amusing when you write stories about them farting on the internet.

Who knew?

Susan reads the blog occasionally and, I'm assuming, she recently read that story.

I assume that due to the fact that she screamed "YOU BASTARD!" when I walked into our house today.

That might seem like a pretty clear sign to most of you, but you have to realize I do a number of bastardly things on a daily basis.

What can I say? It's a hobby.

It's like collecting stamps only instead of stamps, I collect human suffering.

It's cheaper.

In order to make this up to her (and hopefully reinstate my access to her pants), I've decided that any and all donations for the next fan pack will be used to buy her a great Mother's Day present.

Some of you may be thinking I'm only writing this in hopes that Susan will read it and stop being mad.

You're damned skippy. I'm not an idiot.

But as long as it works, that's all good.

Plus, it gives all you Susan fans a chance to show your love.

The fact that you're pulling my ass out of the fire will be an awesome bonus.

For me.

The end of next week will be roughly 4 weeks since the last fan pack went out. I've been trying to keep them on a 4 week schedule, so that seems like as good a time as any.

Anyone who donates at least $5 by that time (or since the last fan pack) will become an instant member of the [GM]Dave fan club and will be sent the bonus fan pack that includes the usual extra stories and insane ramblings.

You will also be personally responsible for keeping Susan from murdering me.

That would be nice.

I do so enjoy the breathing.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Future Is Gonna Cost More Money

A lot of people seem to be worried about the economy these days.

I'm not sure what's causing the problem.

Many people seem to think the war is to blame. Personally, I don't think it's a major factor. The market has changed several times since this war began.

Some people blame changing currency values, but that seems to be more of an effect than a cause.

Changing costs of food are caused by basic supply and demand for materials.

Honestly, though, it's not difficult to figure out what is causing our current economy crisis.

The damned players.


What economy did you think I was talking about?

Every frickin' day someone has to complain to me about the economy.

Blah, blah, the economy used to be better.

Blah, blah, the economy sucks.

Blah, blah, fix the economy.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Are you ready?

The economy ain't broken.

Write that down.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the economy in Vana'diel. Nothing at all. It is working exactly as it was intended to work.

See, the economy of Vana'diel is completely in control of the players. It was designed and implemented to be entirely dependent on player actions.

Do you know the only problem with this system?

Most players are idiots.

There's no point talking about how the economy used to be. That is the past. The past is not the present.

You might as well run on down to the elementary school and tell the kids how much a quarter was worth back in your day.

Today, a quarter don't buy shit.

I remember a time not long ago when twenty dollars would buy you a tank of gas. You'd go to the gas station, hand the guy a ten, and he'd fill it half way easy.

Now, try it. Go to the gas station and hand the guy a ten.

He'll have to go find a thimble.

Hell, he'd probably just waft some fumes into your tank.

But do I spend my day going into gas stations and complaining to the attendants?

No, I do not.

Why not?


Sometimes, it sucks. I get that. No one likes seeing that piece of armor they bought for 14 million gil now selling for two hundred.

Remember that super expensive scorpion harness? They come free with a stack of mithkabobs now.

That Sniper Ring? You could sell it and buy half a stack of distilled water.

And why did all this happen?


No, no. Stop blaming the RMT. Sure, they screw with the AH, but so do regular players.

A lot of regular players.

Undercutting, price jacking, manipulating. All players.

The only way we could fix that is if we completely removed the AH system.

Or flew to all of your houses and hit you with ball peen hammers.

Do you know how much that would cost?

I don't know either, but apparently my supervisor said my plan was not "cost effective".

I would have provided the hammers.

The economy is not broken. The players are.

No, the economy is not the way it used to be. But that's the way it is. There's no point sitting around complaining about it anymore.

Let's stop living in the past, shall we?

Saturday, April 26, 2008

One Of Those Moments

WARNING: The following post is both incredibly crude and incredibly true. Unfortunately.

Every now and then, anyone in a relationship experiences a very real and profound moment where they ask themselves an extremely important question.

What the hell just happened?

You know those moments where something so utterly incredible occurs and your brain cannot even begin to process it.

This morning, I was in bed with my loving wife. I was just waking up and everything was perfect. It was nice and warm, and beautifully, beautifully quiet.

I took a nice, long stretch and, just as I was relaxing, I farted.

Eh, this was nothing big. All part of those natural biological...

And then Susan farted.

Actually, farted would not accurately describe what she did. I have not heard a sound like that in all my many years on this green Earth. I suddenly wondered if a fog had rolled in and we were responsible for warning passing ships.

What the hell just happened?

Still, this was my wife and I would have to treat this matter with the utmost delicacy.

[GM]Dave>> What the hell just happened?

What? That's delicate for me.

I'm not exactly known for my tact.

Susan>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean what do I mean?
[GM]Dave>> What the hell was that sound?
Susan>> That was nothing.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing?
[GM]Dave>> I thought someone shot an elephant.
Susan>> Stop that.
Susan>> You did it.
[GM]Dave>> No. I farted.
[GM]Dave>> You sounded like the Horn of Helm Hammerhand.

Bonus points if you got the reference.

Susan>> It wasn't that bad?
[GM]Dave>> Are you joking?
[GM]Dave>> I think the neighbors called the police.
[GM]Dave>> Or animal control.
Susan>> You started it.
[GM]Dave>> I'm a man.
[GM]Dave>> We're supposed to do that.
Susan>> Well, you did it first.
Susan>> I had to retalifart.

Yes, my wife said "retalifart".

What does an aneurysm feel like?

Thursday, April 24, 2008


You know it's not right.

A little kid falls off his bike.

An old lady falls down some stairs.

A skater smashes his junk on a rail.

It's terrible. It's painful. It's wrong.

And yet...

You laugh.

You just can't help it. You laugh and laugh and then you laugh some more.

That's normal. We all do it. We all enjoy watching someone else get owned. It doesn't even matter who it is. Funny is funny.

No, this is not a post about Susan getting owned. That has never and will never happen.

She is also not holding a gun to my head right now.


Part of us just enjoys the pure satisfaction of seeing someone get totally beat down by fate.

Part of us just enjoys the pure satisfaction of knowing it wasn't us.

That's always nice.

But as much fun as it is to watch random children and senior citizens get hurt (don't judge me), the best ownage is always when someone really deserves it.

And who do you think deserves it most?

No, not the gil buyers.

No, not the gil sellers.

You people always go for the easy answers.

No, the people who deserve it the most are the showoffs.

Nothing can make you believe in karma faster than watching a showoff get his ass kicked.

Unfortunately, we do tend to get our share of showoffs in FFXI.

While karma does tend to come back and get these guys in the end, that often takes a loooooong time.

I have little patience.

So, I usually take the initiative and deliver karma's message in a more timely fashion.

This often involves dragon-related violence.

Sometimes though, some beautiful, unexpected times, karma beats me to the punch.

Now, you're probably wondering how a showoff could get owned in FFXI.


GM Call Description: Auction house glitch.

Isn't that lovely timing?

I checked the player's account and was surprised to find I actually knew him. We weren't friends, but I'd seen him shouting in Whitegate a few times.

Showing off.

Needless to say, I was not expecting this call to go well.

For one of us.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you don't know how the Auction House works.
Player>> No, I know how it works.
Player>> There's a problem with it.
[GM]Dave>> Let's see...
[GM]Dave>> The Auction House performs a bajillion transactions a day.
[GM]Dave>> It does all of those without problem.
[GM]Dave>> But it breaks... for you.
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> I apologize.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, my sarcasm isn't coming through.
[GM]Dave>> Let me paraphrase.
[GM]Dave>> I think you're retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Well, technically, I typed it.
[GM]Dave>> Can I type that?
[GM]Dave>> Let me check.
[GM]Dave>> I think you're retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Looks fine to me.
Player>> I can't believe this.
[GM]Dave>> I know.
[GM]Dave>> I was skeptical there for a second.
[GM]Dave>> My R key is a little worn out.
Player>> That's not what I meant.
[GM]Dave>> I almost had to find a synonym for retarded.
Player>> Stop that!
[GM]Dave>> Had the thesaurus out and everything.
[GM]Dave>> Me? Listen?
[GM]Dave>> I suppose I could try something new.
Player>> Look at the AH history for the Kraken Club.
Player>> You'll see the problem.
[GM]Dave>> Fine...
[GM]Dave>> This had better be good.

So, I take a quick look at the AH history.

I scroll to Kraken Club.

And then I started to laugh.

A lot.

Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Player 1 gil
Player ---> Not Player 10 gil

He sold a Kraken Club for 10 gil.

Apparently, he was trying to show off his Kraken Club by filling the AH price history when someone came along and bought it.

For those of you unfamiliar with FFXI and, by extension, the Kraken Club, let me explain this to you. This would be like selling a porsche for roughly $20.

This is funny for two reasons:

a) he just got owned

b) he called me for help getting unowned

If you don't know why 'b' is funny, then welcome to the blog.

[GM]Dave>> Oh my goodness, sir.
[GM]Dave>> I greatly apologize.
[GM]Dave>> There is a problem with the AH.
Player>> Thank you.
Player>> It's about damned time.
[GM]Dave>> Let me rectify this problem immediately.
[GM]Dave>> I just need to warp the other player here.


NotPlayer>> What's going on?
NotPlayer>> What am I doing here?
Player>> HA!
Player>> You'll see!
[GM]Dave>> Please let me handle this, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Did you recently purchase a Kraken Club?
NotPlayer>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> For 10 gil.
NotPlayer>> Sigh...
NotPlayer>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> This player filed a GM call because there was a mistake.
NotPlayer>> I thought it might have been.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you overpaid by 9 gil.
NotPlayer>> What?
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Here's your gil.
[GM]Dave>> I apologize for the trouble.
NotPlayer>> ... No problem.
[GM]Dave>> I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Player>> THANK GOD!
[GM]Dave>> You can have the full 10 gil back.
[GM]Dave>> For your trouble.

And then his head exploded.

I honestly considered just feeding the show off to Jormy and being done with it.

Instead, I decided it would be more fitting to let him keep his account. He'll never see a Kraken Club again without dying a little inside.

Karma's a bitch.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


As a person who prides himself on inflicting as much human suffering as possible, I have to say that I have been quite impressed by the Rick Roll.

Who could have imagined that a simple video from the 80's could so completely erode the human soul?

I admire that.

Because I believe in understanding all weapons of psychological warfare, I have spent a great deal of time studying the Rick Roll phenomenon. One of the most interesting aspects of the Rick Roll is the fact that there is no way to respond to it adequately.

How could one possibly counter the sheer 80s-ness of the Rick Roll?

Basically, your only course of action was to respond with your own Rick Roll attempt.

Until now.

Through intensive study, I have finally developed the ultimate counter attack to the Rick Roll.

I give you... THE RICO ROLL!

You're welcome.

Monday, April 21, 2008

An Open Letter

Dear bboy0904,

I have tried several times to send you your fan pack. I find it rude and offensive that you would send it back to me with a delivery failure notice.

Is that how it's going to be now? I open myself up and share with you, and then you just throw it back in my face?

What happened to us? We used to be good friends. You'd read the blog and laugh. I'd write the blog and not know you existed.

Good times.

But then something changed. You started to grow distant.

Well... Technically, you were already distant. But that was in more of a literal sense. You were physically distant. I like that kind of distant. I am not complaining about your physical distance.

Stop being so damned literal.

No, you were growing emotionally distant.

Was it something I said? Was it something I did?

Yes, I know I shouldn't have slept with your sister. That was wrong and very inappropriate. I got caught up in the heat of the moment and she didn't complain.

God willing, she'll come out of the coma any day now.

I should probably at least introduce myself to her. You know, be a gentleman.

But we shouldn't let any of that come between us. You donated, so I know part of you wants to make this work. Part of you is still in this relationship.

The money part.

I'm sure that if we both worked at this relationship, we could tear down the wall thats built up between us.

Or maybe we could adjust your spam filters so that the fan pack would go through.

That could also work.


Sunday, April 20, 2008

[GM]Dave =/= Tech Support

This may come as a surprise to some of you.

I. Am. Not. Tech support.

I know how to use a computer. I'm actually pretty good at it.

At a computer store, I know what I'm looking at. I understand words like Gigahertz and RAM. These are not foreign to me.

And yes, I work as customer support for a highly technical, online computer game.

This, however, does not make me some master of all computer technology.

I have no idea how FFXI works. For all I know, it could be powered by magic.

I know there are servers. Those servers have programs on them. Those programs make up the basic construct of Vana'diel and control all related programs.

But I have no idea how those programs work.

Some very smart people somewhere typed something into something else and poof, Vana'diel was created.

I don't ask questions.

Even if I asked the questions, I probably wouldn't understand the answers.

[GM]Dave>> So... How exactly did you program FFXI?
DevProgrammer>> It's pretty simple...

*four hours later*

DevProgrammer>> And that's how it works in a nutshell.
[GM]Dave>> I didn't understand any of that.

[GM]Dave>> And I think I have a brain tumor now.

Then, once you get past the programming which I don't at all understand, the programs send information to players via our network.

I don't know how that works either.

As I understand it, the internet is a series of tubes.

These tubes contain three things:

a) porn

b) games

c) Rick Astley

If any of you actually click on that link, you deserve what you get.

He's never gonna give you up.

I'm sure if I put my mind to it, I could learn how all these things work. There are books. Many of them.

Some without "For Dummies" in the title.

But I don't need to know how these things work. If something stops working, I call someone and yell at them until it works again.

Sometimes I don't even call people related to the problem. I just yell until it gets fixed.

I understand my own home network. I understand that if I lose my connection, I look to see if the green light is on, and then I turn everything off and turn it back on.

But I don't know your network. I don't know anything about your router or your flux capacitor or whatever.

If it breaks, you can be damned certain I don't knowhow to fix it.

You can also be damned certain that I don't care.

Every day, every damned day, I get a GM call from someone who doesn't seem to understand the difference between a GM and tech support.

Then they tell me the message they got.

Player>> It said Error Code-3103.

I don't know what Error Code-3103 means.

I don't think anyone knows what Error Code-3103 means.

It may or may not involve a fish.

Or Rick Astley.

I have no idea.

Now, don't misunderstand. I appreciate the fact that getting this error message can be very worrisome. It means you probably can't log in which is always frustrating.

I get that.

But I don't know how to help you. Unless the problem involves unplugging your modem for 30 seconds and then plugging it back in, I'm not going to be very helpful.

Even if I knew what Error Code-3103 meant, I still wouldn't be able to help you.

Not because I couldn't. Just because I'm an asshole.

You are no doubt surprised.

Please, people. I am not here to answer your tech questions.

I couldn't even if I wanted to.

And I don't.

Friday, April 18, 2008


Children are many things.

They are reflections of everything you miss about childhood.

They are the embodiment of innocence and potential.

They are tiny little biowarfare factories.

How can something so small make so many germs? It's honestly one of the most profound questions I've ever had to consider.

It seems my daughter is sick.

I figured that out using my awesome skills of observation and the fact that her face is leaking.

This seems to be another one of those things that the parenting books don't tell you about. I don't remember reading any chapter about chasing my little girl around and trying to wipe her nose before she either rubs it on the furniture or ingests it.

Susan>> Dave! Get her!
Susan>> She's going to... Ewwwww.
[GM]Dave>> Don't worry about that.
[GM]Dave>> That's all nutrients.

And the coughing. What the hell?

My daughter is incredibly cute. She's the cutest little girl on the planet.

I know every parent says that, but I'm right. I don't care about your kids.

Anyway, she's very cute.

Until she coughs.

Then she looks like an 80 year old man with emphysema.

Daughter>> Daddy?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, sweetie?
Daughter>> *COUGH*
Daughter>> Run down to the store and get me a pack of Luckys.
Daughter>> And some Ovaltine.

All we have to do now is hike her pants up to her armpits.

And then, as if the tiny senior citizen running around my house wasn't enough, she coughs all night and keeps herself awake.


She coughs all night and keeps ME awake.

She sleeps through it.

Hell, she sleeps through the times when she wakes up crying.

Read that sentence again. No, I did not make a mistake. She will actually sit up and cry, but be completely asleep. Then she will say something absolutely random and crazy.

[GM]Dave>> What's wrong?
Daughter>> I need to be a refrigerator.
Daughter>> *whimper*
[GM]Dave>> I...
[GM]Dave>> I have obviously drank too much or too little.

Then she falls angelically back to sleep while I'm stuck awake and questioning the mental health of an infant.

Repeat this process every hour and a half.

I have not slept in days.

She's so small.

How could she make this much trouble?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

First NA EVAH!

Why do people have to say they were the first NA to do something?

Everytime we add ANYTHING, forums everywhere are flooded with posts by someone who thinks:

a) that they were the first to do it

b) that anyone would care

Congratulations. You're the first North American to do something that everyone else will have done in three hours.

You iz specialz.

And then, you have the server specific posts.

"OMG! I was the first NA on Lakhsmhi to do this quest!"

Is that really something to be proud of?

What's next?

"OMG! I'm the first Elvaan NA on Bismarck to get this weapon!"

"OMG! I'm the first female taru NA from New Jersey on Ifrit to kill this NM!"

"OMG! I'm the first female hume with face 2b NA player from Pierre, North Dakota, with sickle cell anemia on CaitSith to craft this helm!"

No one really cares if you were first. There's no gold star or pat on the head waiting for you.

Great. You did something cool. That's really nice.

You being first is not an accomplishment.

Winning a gold medal in the olympics? Accomplishment.

First person to obtain an easily crafted item? Not accomplishment.

I always spend part of my day reading through the various FFXI forums, even the ones I'm not a big fan of.

That's where I stumbled over this post.

2nd of the only two NA Thalassocrat holders on Garuda server. Only 4 at the time of me writing this. FFXI History in the making ^_^

My brain actually shut down when I read this. It ground to a halt and all conscious thought ceased.

Why? Why would someone consider this an accomplishment let alone an accomplishment that needs to be shared with the world?

He wasn't even first. At least if he was first I could have cut him a little slack.


Do you know what second place is? The first loser.

My biggest question is how this person is so certain they were second. You can't search for people based on equipment.

Basically, this person assumes they were second and then assumes that was something to be proud of.

This is my best guess as to the thinking process of this person:

Uh, there's a guy with one. Now, I got one. That makes me second.

I should go post this on a forum.

The world must know!

And how the hell is this history in the making?

Wow, you got an easily craftable item that involves no questing whatsoever. The weapon is just slightly better than the previously available craftable polearm.

Is that history? Really?

Do you think future historians will focus their studies on the second guy to get someone else to craft them a polearm?

Sorry. The second NA guy.

Sorry. The second NA guy on Garuda.

Man, if you're going to post crap like this just go the full way with it. Say you're the second guy in the whole world.

That would be just slightly less stupid.


Listen. You got yourself a new weapon and you're happy about it.

That's great. That makes sense.

But no one really cares if you're the first or number 174 to get one.

No one cares.

Well... Maybe your mom cares.

Go ask her.

Monday, April 14, 2008


Okay, the second part of the fan pack is sent. It's not much, but you Smithy fans should be happy.

As usual, anyone who donates over the next few days can still receive the fan pack. I'm not that evil.

Well, I am that evil, but not to you guys.

Maybe a few of you.

Yes, you.

Still, if you guys want the pack, you can have it.

Completely Random

Have you seen the trailer for this new movie 88 Minutes?

It looks like it's the usual "someone's out to kill someone else and they need to figure it out blah blah blah" plot.

That's not a big deal. I'm getting used to Hollywood reusing tired storylines.

And yet, this movie pisses me off immensely. I haven't even seen the damned thing and already I want to smack the people who made it.


88 Minutes. That's why.

Why 88 minutes?

Did they run out of film?

I can't even conceive of a plot that would specifically require a time limit of 88 minutes.

What kind of person would devise an incredibly complicated scheme to kill another person and then assign a random time to it?

Do evil masterminds dislike rounding to the nearest 5?

You never know. Maybe there's a perfectly good explanation.

GoodGuy>> Hello?
BadGuy>> You have 88 minutes to live.
BadGuy>> I called you two minutes ago, but you didn't answer.
BadGuy>> Sorry.
BadGuy>> I left a voicemail, but you can disregard it at this point.
BadGuy>> I tried calling back a minute later, but I couldn't get a signal.
BadGuy>> Then I called again and got a wrong number.
BadGuy>> Unfortunately, this leaves you with only 88 minutes to live.
BadGuy>> Crap... 87...
GoodGuy>> Do you want to start over?
BadGuy>> Could we?
BadGuy>> I didn't think this through completely.
GoodGuy>> Maybe you could call me back and just say 90.
BadGuy>> I guess...
BadGuy>> Man, this is harder than I thought.

Maybe some of his nefarious plan revolves around some events with very strict time limitations.

Honestly, though, that just sounds like poor planning.

This really pisses me off for two reasons:

1) someone somewhere thought that making it 88 minutes instead of 90 helped the story

2) I realized that I have way too much time on my hands if this bothers me so much

I know it's not that big a deal.

But every time that commercial comes on, I want to fly to Hollywood just to slap someone.

No one in particular. Just the first person I run into.

If I'm in Hollywood, there's a pretty good chance whoever I slap will deserve it.

I need a hobby.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


The first installment of the latest fan pack has been sent out.

Since there was a heavy wedding theme, I decided to break the pack into two pieces, the first relating to our wedding and then a smaller goblinsmithy pack for tomorrow night.

Hope you guys like them.

Now, I need sleep.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Please Stand By...

Hey, guys. It's me, Susan.

Dave's having a bad weekend. He won't even drink, so I'm a little worried.

As such, I've used my executive authority to order him to take the weekend off. He'll send out the fan packs tomorrow night when he gets a chance to finish them. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but he really doesn't seem up to it.

To compensate you for the delay, I've agreed to write a story for the fan pack. Dave doesn't even get editorial control, so I can say anything I want. I suddenly feel the urge to cackle maniacally.

Anyway, the packs will be sent tomorrow to anyone who donated this time.

Since I don't get the chance to write here very much, I would like to say thanks to everyone who donated. It's really nice to see how many people want to help us out and support Dave's writing. I know he really appreciates everything you guys do.



Thursday, April 10, 2008

My Own Family...

I'm pretty sure we all know how I feel about Manthras.

I'm not a fan.

Now, don't go getting me wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with a guy playing a girl character.

It is just a game after all.

Chances are that we've all played FFX-2, right? You played a girl in that.

That didn't make you gay.

It sure didn't help, but it didn't make you gay.

Guys playing girl characters is just part of the role-playing experience.

What bothers me are the morons who have to try and prove their manhood by making up a stupid new word like Manthra.

You're playing a girl. Get over it.

It's okay.

Now, many of you are probably wondering what this has to do with family week.

Trust me, I wish it didn't.

I got an e-mail from my cousin Greg the other day. This was kind of odd as I haven't talked to the guy in about 10 years.

He mentions that he heard I played FFXI.

News at eleven.

Apparently, he plays, too.

Greg was always a pretty cool guy when we were growing up. I don't know why I didn't stay in touch.

That's a lie. I don't stay in touch with people because I don't like people.

I'm funny like that.

Still, he was one of my favorite cousins, so I figured I'd log in and go see him.

Server hopping is just one of the many perks of the job.

So, I log into his server and quickly locate him.

It's not hard. His character's name is Greg.

We're a creative family.

[GM]Dave>> Hey, cuz.
Greg>> Dave?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing gets by you.
[GM]Dave>> Was it the shimmery armor?
[GM]Dave>> The fact that my name begins with GM?
Greg>> Wow.
Greg>> You haven't changed.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure if that was a compliment.
[GM]Dave>> For your sake, I'll assume it was.
Greg>> So, how's everything?
[GM]Dave>> Good, good.
[GM]Dave>> I've got a limbus run later and maybe some gods after that.
[GM]Dave>> Hoping to get some nice drops.
Greg>> I meant with Susan and the baby.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> They're good.
[GM]Dave>> What's up with you?
Greg>> Not much.
Greg>> Doing my RSE quests.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you're a mithra.
[GM]Dave>> That's cool.
Greg>> Manthra, actually.
[GM]Dave>> ... What?
Greg>> I'm a manthra.
Greg>> Not a mithra. Mithra's are girls.
[GM]Dave>> You've got to be kidding me.
Greg>> No, really.
Greg>> I even wrote an extensive back story for my character.
[GM]Dave>> I wrote one, too.
[GM]Dave>> *ahem*
[GM]Dave>> Your character has a vagina.
[GM]Dave>> The end.
Greg>> Manthra's exist, too, you know.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> I don't remember seeing them in the manual.
Greg>> I can roleplay any way I choose.
Greg>> I don't want to play as a female character.
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you pick a female character?
Greg>> I DIDN'T!
Greg>> I picked a manthra.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that.
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you pick a male character...
Greg>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> With a vagina?
Greg>> Being a manthra is nothing to be ashamed of.
[GM]Dave>> I beg to differ.
Greg>> I didn't want to play as a girl character.
Greg>> It seems a little...
[GM]Dave>> Don't say it.
[GM]Dave>> Don't.
Greg>> ... gay.
[GM]Dave>> What is wrong with people?
Greg>> I'm a manthra.
Greg>> I'm proud to be a manthra.
Greg>> And there's nothing you can do about it.


Area: Mordion Gaol.

Greg>> Oh god.
[GM]Dave>> Did we forget about the shimmery armor?
Greg>> Listen...
Greg>> We're family.
[GM]Dave>> That's true.

Jormungand hits Greg for 17,956 points of damage.
Greg was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Jormy says "welcome to the family".
[GM]Dave>> He also says "you have a vagina".

20 minutes from logging in to completely alienating a family member.

That's got to be a record.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

My Darling Daughter

Sorry about yesterday. I was working on the fan pack and lost track of time.

You'd be surprised how easily you lose track of time when you're laughing at your own jokes.

And then reading those jokes to your wife.

And then explaining why they're funny.

I couldn't let a friends and family week go by without talking about my daughter. Before she was born, I didn't understand how much of a parent's life revolves around your kids.

I figured kids would be easy. Feed them once in a while. Water them. Turn them towards the sun occasionally.

Wait... That's plants.

Still, I thought they couldn't be that much work.

And then I had one.

Apparently, you have to take care of a baby every freaking minute.

Who knew?

But it's incredibly important.

Do you know what could happen if you just ignored a baby and put her in a closet?

Susan yells at you and makes you sleep on the couch.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You can stop e-mailing social services.

Getting used to a baby takes a long time, but it will happen.

I got used to the crying.

I got used to the constant need for attention.

Then when I was done taking care of Susan, I had a baby to deal with.

Bah dump psshhhh.

Screw it. I like the couch.

But there's one thing I've never gotten used to, one thing I will never get used to.

The poop.

Dear God, the poop.

There was a time in the long ago when poop was not part of my everyday conversation.

I knew it existed, but it existed on the very periphery of my conscious thought.

Now, it is a near constant topic for both concern and conversation.

We are constantly discussing the poop.

This is the shit (see what I did there?) that they don't tell you about in those stupid parenting books. Nobody warned me that I would spend a good portion of each day concerned with the state of my daughters waste disposal system.

That should be in the book.

That should be a whole damned chapter.

That should be a WHOLE DAMNED BOOK.

I honestly don't know what's worse: the fact that I'm even writing this or the fact that all the parents are nodding along with me.

The people without kids are probably just laughing because I said "poop".

Go ahead and laugh. You'll have kids someday, too.

Susan and I are on constant poop alert. It's like a freaking missile silo only grosser.

Did she poop? Who's going to check her? Who changed it last?

And lord forbid she doesn't poop. You actually get worried when it doesn't happen.

How did this happen?

I used to lead a fairly normal life. Go to work, drink heavily, feed people to dragons, come home, play video games.

Perfectly normal.



That's it.

Just the other night, Susan and I were in Dynamis. Our daughter was blissfully asleep in her crib. Everything was perfect.


Susan>> Do you smell something?
[GM]Dave>> No.
Susan>> Are you kidding?
Susan>> You don't smell that?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you're talking about.
Susan>> Then why are you holding your breath?
[GM]Dave>> *GASP*
[GM]Dave>> No reason.
Susan>> That's mature.
Susan>> Aren't you going to do something about it?
[GM]Dave>> What are you looking at me for?
[GM]Dave>> She did it.
[GM]Dave>> Blame her.
Susan>> It's your turn to change her.
[GM]Dave>> I don't think so.
[GM]Dave>> I changed her Friday night.
Susan>> Dave... It's Sunday.
[GM]Dave>> I don't follow.
Susan>> She poops every day.
[GM]Dave>> And whose fault is that?
[GM]Dave>> You're the one that insists on feeding her.
Susan>> Are you listening to yourself?
Susan>> You're suggesting we not feed our daughter.
[GM]Dave>> I'm just putting the idea out there.
[GM]Dave>> It'll build character.
Susan>> You. Baby. Change. Now.
[GM]Dave>> I want it noted on the record that I do this under protest.
Susan>> You do everything under protest.
Susan>> Do you have to be so difficult?
[GM]Dave>> Eventually, you'll realize it's not worth the trouble.
[GM]Dave>> Then you'll just do it yourself.
[GM]Dave>> That way, everyone wins.
Susan>> I don't win.
[GM]Dave>> Did I say everyone? I meant me.
[GM]Dave>> Me wins.
Susan>> I don't think you could act any stranger.
[GM]Dave>> I take that as a personal challenge.
[GM]Dave>> I can sink far lower.

Susan>> Dave, I need to stay and keep up with refresh.

Susan>> You can go change her quickly.

[GM]Dave>> I'm playing, too.

Susan>> You're playing Dragoon.

Susan>> Hit Jump and go change the baby.

Susan>> Then you can make a sandwich.

[GM]Dave>> That's funny.

Susan>> Thank you.

[GM]Dave>> Know what else is funny?

[GM]Dave>> Pushing people down stairs.

[GM]Dave>> Remind me to show you later.

Susan>> Go change the baby.

Susan>> I'll change the next one.

[GM]Dave>> That seems fair.

Susan>> ...

Susan>> What are you waiting for?

[GM]Dave>> When have you ever known me to be fair?

Eventually, we came to an agreement and I changed her.

The agreement basically worked out so I would change her now and, in turn, Susan wouldn't castrate me while I slept.

[GM]Dave is all about the compromises.

I swear I'm going to throw a ticker tape parade when this girl is finally potty trained.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Mommy Dearest

Shortly before Susan and I were to be married, I decided it might be a good time to talk to my mother.

We hadn't spoken much since the last time I banned her.

I'd say we haven't spoken at all, but there was that time she called me at 3 am and swore for an hour straight.

It would have been disturbing hearing my mother swear like that had I not been so impressed by her extensive vocabulary.

Still, with our wedding looming on the horizon, it seemed like the only course of action.

Also, Susan said it would be neither appropriate or cost effective to hire an actress to play my mother for the wedding.

Given her lack of access to FFXI (and the high likelihood for physical violence if we met in person), I opted to use an instant messenger.

[GM]Dave>> Mom?
[GM]Dave>> You there?
Mom>> I'm sorry. You must have the wrong person.
Mom>> I have no children.
[GM]Dave>> Mom, knock that off.
[GM]Dave>> This is serious.
Mom>> Nope. No moms around here.
Mom>> No, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Sigh...
[GM]Dave>> How long do we have to do this?
Mom>> I don't know.
Mom>> Maybe you should go ask your mother.
[GM]Dave>> I'm willing to make a deal with you.
[GM]Dave>> All you have to do is listen.
[GM]Dave>> And I'll reopen your account.
Mom>> I don't need your stupid game anymore.

I wasn't expecting that.

She must have found some mature way of overcoming her obsession.

Mom>> I play WoW now.

So no then.

[GM]Dave>> Mom...
Mom>> Sorry, buddy.
Mom>> I'm quite happy where I am.
Mom>> You have no influence on me anymore.

I have to say that I was pretty proud of her. It takes a lot of will power to just walk away from a game like this.

Of course, getting banned from the game probably helped.

As a good son, I of course realized I should support her decision.

[GM]Dave>> You know you miss it.

What about these stories has ever suggested I'm a good son?

I've banned my mother like 7 times.

I don't think I have to worry about winning the Son of the Year award.

Mom>> No, I don't.
Mom>> I'm a level 60 Rogue.
[GM]Dave>> That's great.
[GM]Dave>> What'd that take? Two days?
[GM]Dave>> Three?
Mom>> That's a major accomplishment.
[GM]Dave>> I heard they give you level 4 just for logging in properly.
Mom>> This has been a great chat. Really.
Mom>> Could you go die in a fire?
[GM]Dave>> Mom, I'm getting married.
Mom>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Well, when two people love each other...
Mom>> I know what married means, smart ass.
Mom>> It's just...
Mom>> I always thought...
[GM]Dave>> You thought what, mom?
[GM]Dave>> That I was always going to be your little boy?
[GM]Dave>> That I'd never settle down and get married?
Mom>> No.
Mom>> I always thought Susan would be smarter than that.

You'd be surprised at how affordable it can be to hire an actress.

Brace Yourself, Ladies...

This is not today's update. This is just a quick note to answer a question some readers have asked.

A few people have asked why the theme this week was friends and family.

No, I'm not dying.

Some of my more observant readers have noticed that I called Susan my wife a few times.

Well, that's because we got married over Christmas.

That's right. [GM]Dave is a married man.

I decided it was the right time to mention the whole wedding thing and thought a nice family week would be a good lead in.

Also my friends and family are generally insane and it's about time I got something out of having to put up with them.

The fan pack will include the full story of our wedding, a somewhat censored account of our honeymoon, and even a story about our in-game wedding.

Yes, yes. Smithy and Pathfinder will have stories, too. It's not all wedding stuff. Someone will definitely get fed to Jormy.

I just have to ask Susan's permission first.

Bah dump psshhh.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

A Matter Of Perspective

Some of you may remember Susan's nephew Jerry from the Beyblade story or the more recent career day story.

Jerry was at hanging out at our place recently.

I'm not sure why. Something about his mom having to work or go to the hospital or dying or something.

Anyway, I had the evening off and Jerry and I were hanging out and playing video games.

More accurately, I was playing video games and letting Jerry watch.

That's when he said:

Jerry>> Uncle Dave...
Jerry>> I want to show you something.
[GM]Dave>> Susan!
[GM]Dave>> It's doing that talking thing again!
Jerry>> Stop joking.
Jerry>> I want to show you my penguin.

That's what he actually said.

With a straight face.

[GM]Dave>> Uh... Jerry...
[GM]Dave>> We're not... penguin sharing... people...
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you keep your penguin to yourself?
Jerry>> But I need your help with it.

I immediately start looking for Chris Hansen.

[GM]Dave>> Jerry...
[GM]Dave>> I think you should go home now.
Jerry>> Can I use your computer?

So, Jerry hops on my computer and goes to something called Club Penguin.

I wasn't worried. My computer has the latest in adult material blocking programs.

At least until I can get the password from Susan.

Turns out, he wanted to show me a game that he plays.

For those of you who either don't have kids or don't have other people just leave their children at your house for no apparent reason, Club Penguin is an online game for kids. Kind of like an MMORPG for people who aren't old enough to drive.

I found this incredibly interesting and starting asking a number of intelligent questions such as:

[GM]Dave>> What the hell is this?


[GM]Dave>> Why haven't you gone home yet?

So Jerry explains that he's having trouble with this game.

A game about penguins.

I begin to wonder if Jerry might not be as smart as one would hope.

[GM]Dave>> So, let me get this straight...
[GM]Dave>> You play this game and take part in events...
[GM]Dave>> Just to get special clothes for your character.
Jerry>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And this clothes doesn't really do anything.
[GM]Dave>> But you have to have it anyway.
Jerry>> Basically, yeah.
[GM]Dave>> This is both extremely strange...
[GM]Dave>> And eerily familiar.

That's when he explains his "problem".

Jerry>> I need to get on Club Penguin TV.
[GM]Dave>> What the hell is that?
Jerry>> It's a video they make from the game.
Jerry>> Then they put it up on YouTube.
[GM]Dave>> ...And?
Jerry>> I have to get on it.
Jerry>> I want to be on YouTube.
[GM]Dave>> Yes, I can understand how that would be important.
[GM]Dave>> Only the coolest people get on YouTube.
Jerry>> I know!
[GM]Dave>> You don't get sarcasm do you, Jerry?
Jerry>> Please, Uncle Dave.
[GM]Dave>> Jerry...
[GM]Dave>> That doesn't sound like a real problem.
Jerry>> It's an emergency.
[GM]Dave>> Do you like dragons, Jerry?

Rather than feed the kid to a dragon (or a wood chipper), I decided to give him a chance.

Apparently, you have to try and get into an area that is basically full of people waiting for the event to start.

Imagine Besieged without all the witty banter.


Then, once you're in the zone, you have to constantly refresh and wait for the Club Penguin TV guy to show up.

So basically, I'm using my free time to camp an NM.

An NM in a kids video game.

An NM named Heatblast227.

If anyone happens to find whatever was left of my dignity, I'd really appreciate it.

So, finally the guy shows up. I instantly click on his igloo (yes, his %$&@ing igloo) and we zone in.

[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Now what?
Jerry>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> What do we do now?
Jerry>> That's it.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> You needed help clicking on an igloo.
Jerry>> Yeah.
Jerry>> Thanks for the help.

I walked away literally too dumbfounded for words.

Afterwards, my mind was filled with questions.

Should children play online games?

Are they healthy?

Was it wrong to kick Jerry off my computer and make him walk home?

Did I forget that Jerry lives in Oakland?

Damned kids.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

[GM]Dave's Friends and Family

I know, I know. The title sounds like a cell phone commercial.

A lot of people have been making comments and sending me e-mails about finishing the April Fool's riot story (minus the awesome Rickroll) in the upcoming fan pack.

Since you guys are cool with me, that's exactly what I'll do. One week from today, I'll be sending out a new fan pack and yes, that story will be included.

As usual, anyone who donates $5 or more will receive the fan pack and the person who donates the most will be given the opportunity to take part in the blog if they want.

I will even help you propose to your significant other in front of the entire (read: extremely small segment of the) internet.

As a bonus, if your significant other turns you down and makes you look like a total moron, it'll be a two-part episode.

[GM]Dave is happy to profit from your suffering.

Now, thinking about the fan pack got me to thinking. It's been a long time since I did a theme week.

So, for the rest of the week, I will be updating on a daily basis with stories about my friends and family, quite a few of whom I've never mentioned.

And thus, I introduce you to Jeff.

Jeff has been my best friend since we were kids.

I'd say he was my brother from another mother, but I'm neither cool nor weird enough to try and pull that off.

Jeff and I went to the same college and even took a lot of the same classes.

We also skipped a lot of those classes together to play video games.

Good times, good times.

Do you know something funny? If you skip enough classes, it makes it really freaking hard to pass exams.

You'd be surprised how few college exams involve questions about PS2 games.

Damned edumacation system.

Now, I am an expert crammer. Give me a night or two and I can be ready for pretty much any exam.

I don't remember a freaking word afterwards, but I get through.

Unfortunately, Jeff often found himself with far too much too study and far too little time to study it in.

There's really no way to say exactly what game caused him to miss so much school time.

On an unrelated note, his Maat's cap is awesome.

This lead to two very interesting events:

a) an epic cram session

b) developing an intricate scheme to avoid the exam after that cram session goes down in flames

One time, and this is not a joke, he asked me to stab him in the arm with a butcher knife.


His plan was to tell his professor that he slipped and fell on it.

I realize this is both very funny and very sad.

Actually, it's mostly funny. I couldn't even stab the guy because I was laughing so hard.

And you know how I love the stabbing.

So, with an impending exam, and no knife in his forearm, Jeff had to come up with a new plan.

He walks out of his apartment and goes to the nearest stairwell.

[GM]Dave>> What are you doing?
Jeff>> I'm going to put my arm between these rails.
Jeff>> And then I'm going to jump and break my arm.
[GM]Dave>> This is so much better than studying.
[GM]Dave>> I really can't let you do this.
Jeff>> You can't stop me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm not stopping you.
[GM]Dave>> I just need to go get a camera.

And with that, he jumps.

Do you know how horrific it is to watch your best friend jump down a flight of stairs and break his arm?

Neither do I.

As he jumped, his arm slipped free and, instead of breaking his arm, he flew head long down a flight of stairs and into a wall.

Basically, the only thing that wasn't injured was his writing arm.

I really wish I was making this up.

So, I was caught in a difficult position. Do I laugh hysterically or do I go help my badly hurt best friend?

Of course, I went to help him.

When I finished laughing.

What? This is what guys do.

The entire point of having a best friend is so you can laugh at them.

When they throw themselves down a flight of stairs.

Into a wall.

I should write for Hallmark.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

By Popular Demand...

Several people have asked if there is any actual video evidence of the GM riot that resulted from my little April Fool's joke.

It's as if you people don't trust me.

Luckily, I'm friends with one of the guys in security (it is always a good idea to know someone in security). He was kind enough to provide me with a copy of the video.

It's not too high in quality and it does get a little graphic, so be warned.

If you still want to see the video, here you go.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The Day Funny Died

April Fool's pranks are not funny.

They're not.

As a person who generally hates people, you'd think that I would love a day devoted to screwing with people.

And I would.

Unfortunately, most people don't seem to grasp the subtle difference between being funny and being retarded.

People seem to think that April 1st is some day where you can do whatever the hell you want and just say "April Fool's!"

Idiot>> Ha ha. I changed your ringtone to animal sex.

Idiot>> Ha ha. I pushed your grandmother down the stairs.

Idiot>> Ha ha. I hid your insulin.

Idiot>> Ha ha. Now, you've got herpes.

That shit ain't funny.

Funny is when you can fool someone into believing something that is mildly unbelievable and then revealing the truth to them in a way that everyone finds funny.

Not funny is when you say something that is so obviously, retardedly fake and then shout "April Fool's" in their face while they look at you with a mixture of contempt and disdain.

What do people think when they come up with these jokes?

Idiot>> I know!
Idiot>> I'll punch Fred in the face and yell "April Fool's"!
Idiot>> That'll be funny.
IdiotsBrain>> That's it.
IdiotsBrain>> I'm out of here, you slackjawed monkeytard.

There's nothing funny about being an asshole.

Unless you write a blog about it.


True funny is about being subtle, being creative.

Sure, I could have come in and thrown a server through a window.

But I have more finesse than that.

And I did that last Thursday.

This had to be something special.

I thought about the fastest way to hurt the most people as possible without an explosive device or gunfire.

Anyone can hurt someone physically. I wanted to break spirits.

Now, you're probably thinking I took all this out on players.

You'd be wrong.

I hurt players everyday.

Today, I set my sights on my co-workers.

When my supervisor stepped out for lunch, I snuck into his office and used the interoffice e-mail system.

To all employees,

Due to a decrease in productivity, we will be making adjustments to the office firewall and blocking certain websites that have been deemed inappropriate. From this point forward, the following websites will be inaccessible from your workstations:


We apologize for this change, but we feel this will increase our overall efficiency. Thank you.


Hit send and...

The murmur of discontent ran through the office like a wave.

It was perfect. I'd just wait a while and tell them all it was a joke.

That's when something odd happened. The murmur I had expected turned into an uproar I had not.

That uproar quickly turned into an all out riot. People started to gather in a circle and yell.

I had to do something fast.

The best way to handle this would be to just come clean and tell them the truth. Sure, they'd be mad, but really it was my only option.

I had to tell them.

So, I summoned all my courage and walked out of that office with my head held high.

I strode confidently into the middle of the crowd and said:

[GM]Dave>> Later, guys.

What? Do I look like a hero to you?

I got in my car and got the hell out of there.

Remember when I explained funny earlier?

I forgot something.

Funny is when you don't get you ass beat to death by a bunch of crazed computer geeks.

That's my kind of funny.