Saturday, November 25, 2006

On Hiatus

As you've probably noticed, the update schedule for the blog has gone to hell.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I just don't feel like writing these nights. I'm usually dropping tired or just can't find the words to write.

That doesn't mean the blog is ending. Far from it.

I just need to get back into the swing of things.

I think the problem started with the schedule as I set it. I wanted to update everyday and I think I'm just getting a little burnt out.

For the next little while at least, the update schedule will be erratic. I'll write when the mood strikes me and when it's something that I think is worth you reading. That might be ten times a week or two.

I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, if you check back occasionally, I'm sure you'll often find something new to read. I just need a little time to find the spark that made me love writing these stories.

There will be a fan pack this month, and I'm going to channel alot of my effort into it. I'm going to try to have four exclusive stories, as well as a special article on the real inspiration for writing this blog in the first place.

No. This is not a goodbye. I just need a little break.

Stop crying.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Suck On That, Bitches!

So, I woke up yesterday morning and said to myself "Self, what would make us feel good today?"

And then, myself said "Hey, why don't we ban a whole bunch of retarded people?"

So I said "You know what? That sounds like fun."

Okay... So maybe it wasn't me who made the final call. I have to let the guys upstairs feel like they get to make some of the decisions.

We were on the floor doing our usual shift work when our supervisor came in. This would not have been an unusual thing had it not been for the look in his eyes.

Correction: the glimmer in his eyes.

He looked like a kid on Christmas morning. I have not seen a look of such pure joy since the time Susan and I went to a hotel with a mirror on the ceiling.

Something was up.

Something big.

Supervisor>> Can I have your attention please?
Supervisor>> Can I...?
Supervisor>> Seriously. Shut the hell up!
[GM]Dave>> Hey, boss.
[GM]Dave>> What's going on?
Supervisor>> We're doing another account sweep and ban.
[GM]Dave>> That's it?
[GM]Dave>> What is it this time? 300 accounts?
[GM]Dave>> 400?
Supervisor>> A little bit higher.
[GM]Dave>> What? Like 500?
Supervisor>> You're close.
Supervisor>> 11,500 accounts.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I think I just wet myself.
Supervisor>> Yeah.
Supervisor>> We've been reviewing our legal options.
Supervisor>> Then we just decided to kick those bitches off our servers.
[GM]Dave>> Sir, I hope this doesn't sound out of line.
[GM]Dave>> Can I hug you?

We went to work and the accounts started to fall like dominos. One after the other, ban, ban, ban.

Most of the GMs were doing standard permaban protocol. They'd go to the accounts details, remove the player from the server if necessary and then close and delete their accounts.

Not me.

I felt each and every one of them deserved a personal send off. You know, one final "you fail at life, retards" before the door hits them on the way out.

Still, with 11,500 accounts to handle, I'd have to be quick.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What begins with B and rhymes with Ban?
Player>> Umm...
Player>> Ban?
[GM]Dave>> If you insist.

And creative.

[GM]Dave>> Hola, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Como esta?
Player>> Uhhh... I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> El Gilseller! El Gilseller!

And possibly a little insane.

[GM]Dave>> Do you have any gum?
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> BANNED!

By the end, I was running out of steam.

And jokes.

[GM]Dave>> Why'd the chicken cross the road?
Player>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> Cause he was BANNED!
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I have no idea.
[GM]Dave>> It made sense a minute ago.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever. You're banned.

When it was finally all over, I was mentally exhausted.

Still, when I sat back and looked upon the smoldering ruin that had been an RMT invasion, I couldn't help but smile a little.

We had taken back our servers, once and for all.

Well... Replace the word "all" with the words "a week."

Oh, shut up.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Don't you just love that word?


I don't even understand why people use this word anymore. If you are in a position to say "oops", then everyone around you already knows you screwed up.

You're just making yourself sound retarded.

And if there's no one around you...

Well, now you're talking to yourself which is retarded in and of itself.

So, either way, if you're saying the word "oops", chances are you're being retarded.

I want you to try and think of any situation where saying oops doesn't make you seem like a complete moron.




You can't, can you?

We should just do away with the word altogether. Instead of saying "oops", people will say "man, I'm retarded."

Doesn't that sound much better? And doesn't it make more sense?

Player>> Oh, I just got us all killed.
Player>> Man, I'm retarded.

That is what I want someone to say in that kind of situation. It shows that they understand what's going on and accept it.

What the hell is "oops" supposed to mean?

Last night, I was taking part in a pretty big event. It was a Garrison event my linkshell was running. There were a lot of people there, but they all seemed like intelligent people.

Notice the word "seemed". That'll be relevant later.

Anyway, we're going through the event just fine, you know with the killing of the things and whatnot, and then it's my turn to trade.

This is a good thing. Since I'm trading, I get my pick of the drops at the end.


So, I trade my item, we run through the event without a hitch, and we all cheer as the last enemy dies at the end of my lance.

I end the event and watch the treasure pool fill up. And right there at the end is the item I want, a military pick.

[GM]Dave>> Military Pick.
Leader>> Okay, everyone pass on the pick.

[GM]Dave's lot for the military pick: 682 points.

Not a great lot, but it doesn't really matter. It's my item either way, right?

Obviously, if you're reading this, something went wrong.

Luto's lot for the military pick: 894 points.
Luto obtains a military pick.

[GM]Dave>> What the hell?!
[GM]Dave>> What do you think you're doing?!
Luto>> Oh...
Luto>> Oops.

See, "oops" is not what I wanted to hear at that point. It was actually the last thing I wanted to hear.

Here are a few things I would have preferred to hear:

1) Luto>> Oh, damn. That was retarded of me.

2) Luto>> I'm really, really sorry.

3) Luto>> Feed me to a dragon, please.

Saying "oops" does not help the situation. Not at all.

As a matter of fact, it makes the situation much, much worse.

Still, we're okay, though. He can just give me my pick and I won't have to murder his entire family.

[GM]Dave>> I'd like my pick back.
Luto>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Well, that's my pick.
[GM]Dave>> You have my pick.
[GM]Dave>> I want my pick back.
[GM]Dave>> Do you need a freakin' manual?
Luto>> But I won it.
[GM]Dave>> No. No, you didn't.
[GM]Dave>> You took it.
Luto>> What makes it your pick, huh?
[GM]Dave>> I traded the item to start the event.
[GM]Dave>> We all agreed the trader would get the first pick.
[GM]Dave>> Ironically, I get the first pick.
Luto>> I didn't mean to lot on it.
Luto>> But I did win it fair and square.
[GM]Dave>> No. You didn't.
Luto>> Can't you just choose a different item?
Luto>> That gun looks kind of nice.
[GM]Dave>> You don't seem to be listening.
[GM]Dave>> I want my pick back.
[GM]Dave>> Now.
Luto>> Too bad. :P
[GM]Dave>> What the hell was that?
[GM]Dave>> Did you just emote at me?
Luto>> ...
Luto>> Maybe.
[GM]Dave>> You're more retarded than I thought.
Luto>> Listen, man.
Luto>> I won the pick. It's mine now.
Luto>> And there's nothing you can do about it.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you a fan of irony?

He took a very long time to die.

Rather than let Jormy smash him in one hit, I lowered Jormy's attack enough that he was only taking three or four hitpoints with each hit.

It basically went like this:

[GM]Dave>> Can I have my pick back?
Luto>> No.

Jormungand hits Luto for 5 points of damage.

[GM]Dave>> Can I have my pick back?

And then repeat.

Two hundred times.

Finally, he was down to just a few hp. Jormy was just about to finish him off when...

[GM]Dave>> Can I have my pick back?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I don't want it anymore.

Jormungand hits Luto for 7 points of damage.
Luto was defeated by Jormungand.
Luto falls to level 29.

Luto>> I said I'd give it back.
[GM]Dave>> You did?
Luto>> YES!
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> Oops.

Monday, November 20, 2006

[GM]Dave: Caring Partner

Many of my readers (particularly the females) have been asking how Susan is doing.

Remember Susan?

Yeah, she's still pregnant.

No, I have not pushed her down any stairs.

Today, though, I got to experience one of the most amazing events of my life. I actually got to see my baby for the first time.

This was accomplished despite the fact that the baby is still inside Susan.

No, I did not shove a camera in there to look at the baby.

Susan said no.

Plus, I have no idea what that could do to my digital camera. The instructions say not to take it out in the rain. I really don't think it's designed to be inserted into the human uterus.

Still, I thought it might make for a cute picture.

[GM]Dave>> And here's another picture of you.
[GM]Dave>> This is you next to Mommy's kidney.
[GM]Dave>> How sweet.

We made it to the doctor's office (despite the morons that infest the highway) and sat down in the exam room.

Well... I was sat down. Susan was lying on a table with her feet up in stirrups.

Is it wrong that I got a little excited at that?

That's when a nice nurse walked in.

(Bow Chikka Wow Wow)

[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, nurse.
[GM]Dave>> Is the doctor going to be much longer?

You know something funny? Women doctors look a lot like women nurses.

You know who doesn't find that funny? Women doctors.

Man, she got angry. You'd think a woman in a professional position would be more understanding.

Must be that time of the month.

I kid, I kid.

Anyway, when we got that out of the way, the doctor rubbed some jelly onto Susan's abdomen (Bow Chikka Wow Wow) and then set up the sonogram machine. A little screen next to her lit up and there, in front of me, was a picture of my baby.

It was incredible.

It was amazing.

It was... blurry as all holy hell.

I had no freaking clue what I was looking at. It was gray with dark gray blotches and light gray blotches.

What a glorious age we live in.

Still, being me, I couldn't actually admit that I had no idea what I was looking at. Guys don't do that.

Instead, I decided to wing it.

[GM]Dave>> Oh wow.
[GM]Dave>> That's amazing.
Susan>> You see it?
[GM]Dave>> Sure, I do.
[GM]Dave>> It's right there.
Susan>> Where?

Uh oh.

Was she testing me or did she really not know where it was either?

Could I honestly keep deceiving her about such an important event in our lives?

[GM]Dave>> Right there toward the center of the screen.

Of course I could.

What are you, new?

Susan>> Can you show me?


[GM]Dave>> ... Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> Maybe the doctor should explain.

Crisis averted.

Susan>> No, no, honey.
Susan>> I want you to show me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> Oh... kay.

So, I stepped over to the screen to get a closer look at it.

Didn't help a bit.

[GM]Dave>> This is the... head.
Susan>> Really?
Susan>> Can you see anything else?
[GM]Dave>> Uhhh... Sure, I can.
[GM]Dave>> That's a leg right there.
Susan>> Can you tell if it's a boy or girl?
[GM]Dave>> The leg?
Susan>> The baby, silly.
[GM]Dave>> Let me check.

Now, I have no idea what I'm looking for/at.

[GM]Dave>> I can't tell.
Susan>> What do you mean you can't tell?
[GM]Dave>> There's stuff in the way.
[GM]Dave>> You know... The stuff.
Susan>> ...
Susan>> You don't see anything do you?
[GM]Dave>> Sure, I do.
[GM]Dave>> There's the baby's hand.
Susan>> You just said that was a leg.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever.
Susan>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> I don't see anything.
[GM]Dave>> I mean, look at that picture.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of video card does this thing have?
Susan>> Why didn't you say something?
[GM]Dave>> Same reason I do most other things.
[GM]Dave>> I have no friggin' clue.
Susan>> I can't believe you lied.
Doctor>> Excuse me.
Susan>> You could have just said something.
[GM]Dave>> Where's the fun in that?
Doctor>> Excuse me.
Susan>> You're ridiculous.
Doctor>> Knock it off!
Doctor>> I'm trying to talk here.

Whoops. Forgot she was here.

After that, the doctor went through the picture with us. It was really interesting.

And by "interesting," I mean "boring as hell."

Still, I finally got to see my baby. My beautiful, beautiful baby.

At least... I think I saw my baby.

Honestly, that gray blotch could have been anything.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Tough Love

A lot of people ask me why I'm so mean to people.

And then I hit them.

The simple reason for my meanness is that you need me to be mean.

It's the only way you're going to learn anything.

Here's a quick look at what the world would be like if [GM]Dave started being nice to people.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What can I help you with today?
Player>> I have a problem.
[GM]Dave>> No problem, sir.
[GM]Dave>> I'll get right on it.
Player>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> You're welcome.

Isn't that just plain sick?

I mean, what in the hell did that player just learn?

Did they learn self-reliance? No.

Did they learn to handle adversity? No.

Did they learn to cope with disappointment? No.

Did they learn to leave me the hell alone? No.

That was a complete waste of time.

Our relationship is a good one. We're there for each other. We both care about what the other person thinks.

That's a healthy relationship.

(Disclaimer: [GM]Dave is neither there for you nor does he care what you think.)

Occasionally, I have to smack you around. I don't like doing it, but sometimes I have no choice.

Actually... I do like doing it. A lot. And I usually do have a choice, but go with the smacking around anyway. Sometimes I even have to go out of my way to initiate the smacking around.

But it's all for your own good.

And by "your own good", I mean "my own good".

And isn't that what we really care about?

Some people will only learn to become contributing members of society through my complex system of random acts of cruelty and dragon-related violence.

Also, it makes me giggle.

Just this afternoon, I had to have a serious discussion with a player about our relationship. He was getting a little clingy and I needed some space.

GM Call Description: Want to report a fish botter.


[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> We need to talk.
Player>> I know.
Player>> I called you.
[GM]Dave>> Good, good.
[GM]Dave>> At least we both know there's a problem.
Player>> Of course we do.
Player>> What's the matter with you?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, so now it's my fault?
Player>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> I'm talking about us.
[GM]Dave>> We have a serious problem.
[GM]Dave>> You don't validate my role in our relationship.
Player>> Our relationship?
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> You take me for granted.
Player>> Can I speak with another GM please?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, that's how it is?
[GM]Dave>> You want to see other people.
Player>> I just want to report a fish botter.
Player>> That's it.
[GM]Dave>> What did you call me?
Player>> Dear lord.
[GM]Dave>> I...
[GM]Dave>> I think we need some time apart.
Player>> ...
Player>> What does that mean?


Player>> Oh shi...

Jormungand hits Player for 15,774 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Why do you make me hit you?

After that, we decided it would be best if we didn't see each other for a while.

That shouldn't be too hard to accomplish though as I deleted all of his characters, closed his account, reported his credit card stolen, and forwarded his name to a credit agency.

Still, though, it was for his own good.

I'm not sure why, but it's the thought that counts.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Enough Is Enough

I get asked the same question again and again.

And again.

And then some more.

I'm sure you've all seen this question plastered over FFXI forums.

Is FFXI dying?

I'd like to take a second to respond to these people in a careful, well thought out manner.


Any questions?

No? Good.

No, FFXI is not dying. That is possibly one of the dumbest things I have ever heard.

Do you know who asks this question?

There are three types of people who ask this question:

1) people who don't play the game

2) people who suck at the game

3) people who have taken a sharp blow to the skull.

And guess what? I don't really give a damn about the opinions of any of these people.

Actually... I don't really give a damn about anyone's opinion except my own.

The economy changes and prices go up. Uh oh, the gilsellers are running rampant. FFXI must be dying.

The economy changes and prices go down. Uh oh, people must be leaving the game. FFXI must be dying.

The really funny (read: stupid) part of it is, people keep making GM calls to ask this question.

As if I'm going to say "Yeah, we're shutting the servers off tomorrow. We're just not telling anybody."

Today, I was sitting at my desk going over some TPS reports when I hear the sound of my sanity's demise.



Maybe it's something important.

GM Call Description: Is FFXI dying?

So, no then.

Did we take out the whole "GM calls are for emergencies only" message in the last update or something?

I don't remember that being in the memo.

Perhaps I should discuss the matter with the... player who made the call.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're looking for a stupid answer.
Player>> Why would you say that?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you asked a stupid question.

[GM]Dave>> Seemed logical to me.
Player>> I just wanted to know your opinion.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> No, you didn't.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted to tell me your opinion.
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you're about to tell me it is dying.
[GM]Dave>> And then you're going to tell me why.
Player>> Well...
Player>> Kind of.
[GM]Dave>> Then, I'm going to make a logical point.
[GM]Dave>> And you're going to be too stupid to understand.
Player>> I don't know what you mean.
[GM]Dave>> My point exactly.
Player>> But look at the servers.
Player>> There aren't as many people playing anymore.
[GM]Dave>> Oh my. People play other games.
[GM]Dave>> I am truly shocked.
Player>> It's getting worse.
Player>> The past two weeks especially.
[GM]Dave>> Gee...
[GM]Dave>> I wonder what happened two weeks ago...
Player>> Do you mean FFXII?
[GM]Dave>> Hey!
[GM]Dave>> You're not entirely retarded.
Player>> Still, you can tell it's dying.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, you got me.
[GM]Dave>> The game is totally dying.
[GM]Dave>> We'll be lucky if we make it to the weekend.
Player>> Stop kidding around.
[GM]Dave>> No, no. I'm serious.
[GM]Dave>> The servers are actually empty.
[GM]Dave>> We filled them with bots to fool everyone.
[GM]Dave>> Only three people are actually playing now.
Player>> Seriously?
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Darwinism just called.
[GM]Dave>> You've been judged too stupid to continue breathing.
[GM]Dave>> Please stop now.
Player>> This is crazy.
Player>> I'm asking a serious question.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to do us both a favor.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to ban you.
[GM]Dave>> Then you won't have to worry anymore.
[GM]Dave>> Win-win.
Player>> But I don't want to be banned.
[GM]Dave>> Win-lose.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever.
Player>> You can't just ban me.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> Maybe we should check.

And damned if I wasn't right.

Seriously, people. The game isn't dying. The only thing dying is the few brain cells of the idiots who worry about this.

Luckily, if they lose a few more, they'll be too busy drooling on themselves to ask stupid questions like this.

And won't that be a beautiful day?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

That Nagging Feeling

You know that feeling.

You're doing a new quest or event and someone suggests something. It sounds wrong, but you're not sure why.

But you know it's bad.

And, rather than say something about it, you just go along with it because you assume they know better than you.

But that feeling is still there. It just sits there in the back of your head, gnawing away.

You>> Yay! A Quest!
YourBrain>> Something's wrong.
You>> Shhh! Quest!
YourBrain>> You are going to die.
You>> Stop that.
You>> Everything's okay.
YourBrain>> You are about to be gangraped back to level 1.
You>> You don't lose exp at level 4.
You>> Technically, I'd only get back to level 4.
YourBrain>> That's the part you focus on?
YourBrain>> What the hell's the matter with you?

Now, I'm here with some advice that can actually help in this situation.

Listen carefully.


That voice is the last line of defense between you and something very stupid.

And usually a horrible death.

I know this because I didn't listen to the voice tonight.

We were doing a Carmine Dobsonflies run.

For those of you who aren't familiar, there are ten flies that all link and try to annihilate your entire group. In order to have any chance at surviving this, you need a tank that can completely avoid damage until the flies are dead.

The standard tank for this is Paladin. Paladin's can use Invincible and become...

Well... They become invincible. The name is pretty self-explanatory.

We were doing our run tonight and things looked good. We were forming up our party when I checked the member list and noticed something.

[GM]Dave>> Ummm...
[GM]Dave>> We don't have a Paladin.
Leader>> Oh, don't worry.
Leader>> We're okay.
[GM]Dave>> Who exactly is going to tank the flies?
Leader>> The Thief.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me?
Leader>> The Thief will tank using Perfect Dodge.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Oh...

Now, I had only done this run once before, so I had no idea what to expect.

And it made sense. Perfect Dodge allows Thieves to dodge all attacks for a short period of time.

Seemed okay.

And yet... That feeling started in the back of my head.

Like an itch.

But I didn't say anything. I didn't want to sound stupid by asking silly questions.

They know more than me, right?


And yet... Nagging feeling.

We get there and prepare. Things seem to be going smoothly.

Everything's okay.

And yet... Nagging feeling.

Thief>> We ready?
Leader>> Let's do it.
Thief>> Pulling in 3...
Thief>> 2...
Thief>> 1...

And he pulls.

Suddenly, ten giant, mutant dragonflies descend on us.

Thief>> (( Perfect Dodge ))

Yay! Perfect Dodge!

We're safe, right?

The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.
The Carmine Dobsonfly starts casting Aero II on Thief.

I should probably point out that Perfect Dodge only dodges physical attacks.

Two seconds later, the Thief is lying face down in the dirt. We have ten angry, giant, mutant dragonflies on us and all we have left is mages.

Three seconds after that, we're all dead.

I am left with the grim satisfaction of knowing that the voice was right.

Oh, and a dead body.

My own.


Monday, November 13, 2006

Just Kill Me...

Sorry, guys. I realize that your days are dull and without purpose without me, but I've been sick all weekend.

I don't mean normal sick, either. This is like some sort of mutant strain of ebola sick.

Seriously. Some guys in Hazmat suits showed up and they're carrying me off to some other town.

Anyone ever hear of a place called Raccoon City?

Sounds nice.

Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow with an update. It may even be funny.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Chocobo Breeding


After spending about a half a million gil on my chocobo, the damned thing was still level retarded.
It was poor in everything, was plain yellow, and ran about as fast as an obese Galka.

All in all, I was not impressed.

I decided to retire that chocobo and focus all of my efforts on a new one.

Rather than leaving it to chance, though, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I sought out two incredible parent chocobos.

The father was sleek, black chocobo. He was built for strength and endurance. I have no idea what kind of steroids the player was feeding this thing, but I really don't give a damn.

Also, this will prepare him should he want to be a baseball player.

The mother was a perfect blue chocobo. Her owner had raised her for speed and stamina.

Both owners charged me a hefty price for their cards. I honestly don't blame them, though. Given the amount of work both of them must have out in to their chocobos, they actually deserved it.

Still, I had cards from two of the best chocobos on the server.

Sounds perfect, right?

So, I get a card from each parent, book some "breeding time" for the two and sit back and wait for my egg. This is the beauty of the chocobo bredding system. I just tell them when and the two chocobos get right down to it and make me an egg.

Bow chikka wark wark.

The next day, I got my nice, new warm egg.

This egg would no doubt hatch and create the ultimate chocobo. It would be either black or blue, built to be strong and fast, and will be able to do the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.

What could go wrong?

The egg hatched and out popped my new baby chick. How cute.

And I care for the thing.

Oh, forget about leveling or Dynamis runs, or all that other silliness. I need to spend my time walking my chocobo.

But I did it. It sucked, but I did it.

And I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally, today I log in to check on my baby chocobo. But, oh no, he's not a baby anymore.

He's finally reached adolesence.

And look at him. Look at those strong legs and black wing tips.

That's funny...

That black looks awfully white to me.


Must be something weird going on. White wing tips mean it's just a plain old yellow chocobo.

Obviously, there must be something wrong. There's no way my perfect creation could end up a normal yellow chocobo.

Okay, okay. Don't panic.

You didn't5 get a good color, but the traits on the thing must be spectacular.

Let's have a quick...

That's funny...

Did they redefine "substandard" to mean really freakin' good?

To recap: I obtain a useless yellow chocobo. So, I spent half a million gil raising a useless yellow chocobo.

I then spend a small fortune on chocobo breeding cards.

I then spend even more money raising a new baby chick.

And what do I get?

A useless yellow chocobo.

Man, that was so worth it.

On an unrelated note, I have to go run an electromagnet over all of the servers.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

They Just Don't Give Up

I'll give the gil sellers credit. Those guys are dedicated.

Yes, they're dedicated to screwing us all over, but still.

Just when you thought they couldn't possibly get any worse, they come up with a new kind of bot.

This time, though, it's not an AH bot or a guild bot, an NM camping bot or a provoking bot.

No, no.

This time it's a teleport bot.

Yes, someone was actually retarded enough to program a teleporting bot.

This bot waits in Jeuno until someone shouts for a teleport. It then invites that player, waits for the player to arrive and will only teleport after being traded a minimum amount of gil.

The mind reels.

Who in the hell has enough time on their hands that they can come up with this shit?

Now, don't get me wrong. This no doubt required some major programming skills.

They may even have had to hack the Gibson.

But doing something difficult does not mean you did something intelligent.

I can take all day and my vast knowledge of physics and construct a giant machine whose only purpose would be to kick me in the groin.

Difficult? Yes.

Intelligent? No.

I was alerted to these new e-tards by a concerned citizen of Vana'diel.

GM Call Description: New bot in Jeuno.

See, now this is the kind of thing I usually feed someone to a dragon for. We get so many alleged "bot" reports each day that I generally skip the formality of listening to them and just sentence them to death by digestion.

The system works.

The word "new", however, piqued my curiosity.

I decided to give this player a minute of time to impress me. Also known as one minute to save their own ass.

It's a game I like to play.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> You have sixty seconds.
[GM]Dave>> GO!
Player>> Oh, wow.
Player>> Okay then.
Player>> See the thing is...
[GM]Dave>> Fifty-five seconds.
[GM]Dave>> I'd suggest talking faster.
Player>> There's this new bot.
Player>> In Jeuno.
[GM]Dave>> Fifty seconds.
Player>> Just shout (( Teleport-Mea )).
[GM]Dave>> Why would I do that?
Player>> Please?
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever.
[GM]Dave>> Forty seconds, by the way.
(( Teleport-Mea )).

WhiteMage invites you to join his party.

[GM]Dave>> What the hell?
[GM]Dave>> Why is this guy inviting me?
Player>> That's the bot.
Player>> It's a telewhore bot.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you telling me that someone...
[GM]Dave>> Someone very, very stupid...
[GM]Dave>> Programmed a teleport bot?
Player>> Looks like it.
Player>> I've tried a bunch of different shouts.
Player>> You always get instantly invited.
[GM]Dave>> Huh.
[GM]Dave>> Let's try this out.
[GM]Dave: I need a (( Teleport-Mea )).

WhiteMage invites you to join his party.

[GM]Dave>> Well, I'll be damned.
Player>> And it won't teleport you unless you trade it gil.
Player>> At least 2000 gil.
[GM]Dave>> That is an impressive display of programming.
[GM]Dave>> Also, retardation.
Player>> So are you going to do something about it?
[GM]Dave>> Of course I am.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> If I told you that, I'd have to kill you.
[GM]Dave>> I'm serious.
Player>> Oh, c'mon.
Player>> Tell me.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to ban him.
Player>> Really?
Player>> Cool.
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> For what?


Player>> What are you doing?

Jormungand hits Player for 15,732 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I did warn you, you know.

So, I shout for a teleport again and the White Mage instantly invites me.

The same White Mage.

I rush to his position, trade him 2000 gil (that I took out of his own account), and he starts to teleport me.

This was enough proof for me.

Then again, I don't usually need very much.

I interrupted his spell and warped us both to Mordion Gaol.

Unfortunately, one of the things about dealing with bots is the fact that the player isn't there to witness the torture.

Where's the fun in that?

So, I waited for him to return.

I waited. And I waited. And I waited.

Actually, I played FFXII for most of it.

I played. And I played. And I played.

Finally, the White Mage suddenly looks around.

WhiteMage>> Where am I?
WhiteMage>> This isn't Jeuno.
[GM]Dave>> Well, aren't you sharp?
WhiteMage>> Oh...
WhiteMage>> Sorry. I was afk.
[GM]Dave>> You've been afk all this time?
WhiteMage>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Then how exactly did you teleport me?
WhiteMage>> ...
WhiteMage>> Uhhh...
[GM]Dave>> Good answer.
[GM]Dave>> Way to think on your feet.
WhiteMage>> Listen...
[GM]Dave>> Can I ask you a question?
WhiteMage>> ... Sure, I guess.
[GM]Dave>> How long did it take you to program the bot?
WhiteMage>> What bot?
[GM]Dave>> That's funny.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like to try again?
WhiteMage>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
[GM]Dave>> I wrote my own teleport program.
[GM]Dave>> Want to see?
WhiteMage>> Sure, but I still don't kno...

Jormungand hits WhiteMage for 18,564 points of damage.
WhiteMage was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> It transports you off my damned servers.
[GM]Dave>> Nice, huh?

I wonder if they have tele-whoring in WoW.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Be Vewwy, Vewwy Quiet...

The day is upon us, my friends. A day that shall live in infamy.

Today, we have thrown down the gauntlet. Today, we have drawn a line in the sand.

Today, we have declared war.


Well, today we began a long series of investigations.

But you can bet that some time in the future that we will probably send them an e-mail that will arrive at a time that is inconvenient.


I'm kidding.

This morning my supervisor came to me with a special assignment.

Supervisor>> Dave, I need you to go undercover.
[GM]Dave>> Uhhh...
[GM]Dave>> I'm flattered, really.
[GM]Dave>> But I don't swing that way.
Supervisor>> ...
Supervisor>> Did you ever get that psychological assessment?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> I just kept calling him Clarisse.
[GM]Dave>> He just smiled and let me go.
Supervisor>> You scare me sometimes.
[GM]Dave>> I get that a lot.
Supervisor>> ... Anyway...
Supervisor>> I need you to go undercover.
[GM]Dave>> I'm flattered, really...
Supervisor>> Oh, knock it off.
Supervisor>> We want you to go undercover as a gil buyer.
Supervisor>> That way we can track the transaction.
[GM]Dave>> You want me to pose as a gil buyer?
[GM]Dave>> That'll take a great deal of preparation.
Supervisor>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> In order to act like a gil buyer, I'll need a few things.
Supervisor>> Such as?
[GM]Dave>> Several sharp blows to the head.
[GM]Dave>> A lobotomy.
[GM]Dave>> The first two seasons of The OC.
Supervisor>> How about no?
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
Supervisor>> Just act normal and it'll be fine.
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha, boss.
[GM]Dave>> Normal.
[GM]Dave>> That'll be easy.
Supervisor>> Normal for regular people normal.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Crap.

So, we called up one of the major gil selling companies.

I was getting the goat's blood and drawing a pentagram on the floor when my supervisor stopped me.

Apparently, evil has websites now.


Operator>> Hi, this is Mary.
Operator>> I feed on stillborn babies.

Okay... I'm paraphrasing.

Operator>> Hi, this is Mary.
Operator>> Would you like to place an order?
[GM]Dave>> Are you a cop?
Operator>> ...
Operator>> Excuse me?
[GM]Dave>> I know how these things work.
[GM]Dave>> This is a sting.
Operator>> No, sir.
Operator>> I'm just here to take orders for gil.
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> Give me a dozen.
Operator>> So, twelve million then, sir?
[GM]Dave>> DEAR GOD, NO!
[GM]Dave>> Twelve gil.
[GM]Dave>> I need to pick up a distilled water.
Operator>> I'm sorry, sir.
Operator>> We cannot process orders that small.
Operator>> We only sell gil in the millions.
[GM]Dave>> Why would I want that much distilled water?
[GM]Dave>> That makes no freakin' sense.
Operator>> No, sir.
Operator>> You could buy other things.
[GM]Dave>> Like what?
[GM]Dave>> Rock salt?
[GM]Dave>> That's still an awful lot of rock salt.
[GM]Dave>> What could I do with that much rock salt and distilled water?
Operator>> No, sir.
Operator>> You could use it to buy weapons and armor.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, no thanks.
[GM]Dave>> They gave me this nifty armor.
[GM]Dave>> And an onion sword.
[GM]Dave>> It really is nifty.
Operator>> You could use it to buy new equipment.
[GM]Dave>> Why would I need a million worth of gear at level 1?
Operator>> You could buy it as you level.
[GM]Dave>> Why would I need a million worth of gear at level 2?
Operator>> No, sir.
Operator>> I don't think you understand.
[GM]Dave>> And whose fault is that?
[GM]Dave>> How am I supposed to know this stuff?
Operator>> I apologize, sir.
Operator>> You use gil to buy new items as you progress in the game.
[GM]Dave>> Well, duh.
[GM]Dave>> Everyone knows that.
[GM]Dave>> You're being silly.
Operator>> Sir, if you don't order gil, I'm going to have to end this call.
[GM]Dave>> Wait, wait.
[GM]Dave>> I'll order 5 million gil.
Operator>> Thank you, sir.
Operator>> Let me start that order for you.
[GM]Dave>> I have one more question, if you don't mind.
Operator>> Yes?
[GM]Dave>> How do you work the gambit system?
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm lost.
Operator>> Gambit?
Operator>> What game are you playing, sir?
[GM]Dave>> FFXII, moron.
[GM]Dave>> Is my gil ready yet?
Operator>> ...
Operator>> I...

That's when she hung up.

Or logged off.

Or returned to the stygian depths of hell.

I thought the call went very well, but my supervisor had some constructive criticism.

At least... I think it was constructive.

Mostly, he just banged his head off the wall.

I guess we'll have to try again tomorrow.

I thought it was a good call.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Fan Pack Update

I'm not happy with one of the stories I wrote. It's okay, but it's missing something.

Unfortunately, I don't want to send out something I'm not happy with. That's a cop out. Anyone could just slap some stuff together and e-mail it out. You guys deserve better.

I'm going to rewrite it and see if I can't make it better.

Other than that, the pack is finished and should be sent out as soon as I fix this story. Most likely tonight or tomorrow.

Genius takes time.

A Goodbye

No, no, no. I'm not going anywhere.

This is just a quick post to acknowledge a good player and friend of mine. His name is Feba and he's decided to stop playing FFXI.

Feba has always been an interesting character. I doubt there's a FFXI forum that he has not been a major part of.

He also took time to brutalize anyone with a low IQ.

That's my kind of person.

So, Feba, as you set off on a new path, I have one piece of advice...


What the hell are you thinking?! You don't know what's out there!

Dear god, man, won't you think of the children?


There. I got that out of my system.

Later, Feba.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Ba Dum Pssshhh

Okay, I'll admit it. Today was not my best day.

I was up all night playing FFXII and I was very, very tired this morning. I was not in the mood to listen to people bitch and moan.

Instead, I decided to just drive people insane.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Want to hear a joke?
Player>> No... Not really.
Player>> I kind of have a serious...
[GM]Dave>> A Dark Knight walks into a bar...
[GM]Dave>> And the bar defeats the Dark Knight.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> What would you get if a Taru and a Galka could mate?
Player>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> A pretty sore Taru.
Player>> ...
Player>> That's not really funny.
[GM]Dave>> What's the only thing worse than a gil seller?
Player>> ... I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> I couldn't think of one either.
Player>> Please stop.
Player>> I need help with som...
[GM]Dave>> Did you know I used to work at a slaughterhouse?
Player>> ... No.
[GM]Dave>> I learned to use a hammer.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Moo... Thunk.
Player>> That's... That's disgusting.
[GM]Dave>> Eh, it wasn't that bad.
[GM]Dave>> I always felt bad for the guy who made the chicken nuggets.
[GM]Dave>> Those baby chicks just won't sit still.
Player>> ...
Player>> Stop.
Player>> Please stop.
[GM]Dave>> I had a magic kit when I was a kid.
[GM]Dave>> It had all of these cool tricks and a door with a lock.
[GM]Dave>> Unfortunately, I lost the key.
[GM]Dave>> That poor, poor bunny.
Player>> I'm going to go now.
[GM]Dave>> A DRG, a PLD, and a BLM are in Garlaige.
[GM]Dave>> They come up to a locked door, but can't get it open.
Player>> You can stop now.
Player>> I'm logging out.
[GM]Dave>> They try to find a way to open it with no luck.
[GM]Dave>> Suddenly, the DRG picks up the BLM...
[GM]Dave>> And smashes him into the door.
[GM]Dave>> The DRG says "Isn't that what we do? Just throw BLMs at any problem?"
[GM]Dave>> Funny, huh?
[GM]Dave>> Hello?

Your tell could not be received. The other player has logged out, uninstalled the game and is right now using a power drill to purge their brain.

That was oddly satisfying.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

[GM]Dave Marathon - Vol. 3

Alternate Title: "Ninja Vanish!"

In my on-going quest to be Hokage, I decided it was time to camp for a Jujitsu Gi.

I knew this might take a while to get, so I figured I'd start nice and early and hopefully have it by the time I hit 40.

Shouldn't be too hard, though. It's not like anyone camps the Jujitsu Gi.




I'm here all week, folks. Try the veal.

Seriously, this is a really nice piece of gear for a Ninja, so I knew I'd have to fight tooth and nail to get it.

I get to Davoi and do a quick search of the area. Only 6 other people.

All in a party together.

And all of their names are random combinations of letters.

Gee... I wonder who they might be.

Still, I might have a shot, so I ran over to Poisonhand's spawn area.

Poisonhand drops the Gi, by the way.

Go read a book or something. I can't keep explaining these things to you people.

So, I'm at his spawn point and I'm looking at five other players all standing in a circle. The sixth guy is standing over at Tigerbane's spawn.

As I am not in the market for a new axe, I chose to let him live.

Now, Poisonhand is a lottery spawn, so you have to kill orcs in the area to get him to appear. Strangely, the five "players" are not doing any killing.

How odd.

I go to work and start killing placeholder orcs. That's when I notice them starting to follow me.

Great. Not only do I find gil sellers, I find lazy gil sellers.


So, while I got about killing all of the placeholders, these bastards start to spread out to grab the NM if he spawns. Even if my timing were perfect, I'd still be facing off against five other people.

This did not look good.

But does [GM]Dave admit defeat?




When the going gets tough, [GM]Dave feeds people to a dragon.

First, though, I decided to have a little fun.

I quickly log out and log back in on my GM account. A quick warp to Davoi and we're ready to play our game.

I check and find Poisonhand is about to spawn.


So, I turn myself perma-invis and head on over to the spawn point.

Poisonhand appears and all five of the gil sellers go batshit crazy. For a bunch of guys who couldn't be bothered to kill the placeholders, they sure can run fast.

Just as one of them draws their weapon to claim, I make a few key presses...

And Poisonhand warps to the other side of the clearing.

They stopped for a second, obviously confused, and then turned to chase him down.


Again with the chasing.


Man, those guys just don't give up. As a matter of fact, they seem to be getting a little closer each time.


Almost had it that time. I'll give them credit. They were trying damned hard to get claim.


Uh oh. Where's he gone now?

There he is!


Nope. Gone.

Each time I warped him around the area, they seemed to get a little faster. Pretty soon, they'd probably get claim anyway.

Oh deary me. What is [GM]Dave to do?

I press a few keys and warp Poisonhand again.

Unfortunately, they were too quick for me. Poisonhand spawns right in the middle of the clearing and their Paladin grabs him with voke before I can warp him again.

I guess they won this round.


That doesn't look like Poisonhand.

That looks more like Jormungand.


My bad.

Their little party gets torn to shreds. And then the shreds get torn into smaller shreds.

And then those smaller shreds get torn into...

You know what? They got torn up a lot.

Let's just leave it at that.

After that, I really didn't have that much trouble getting claim.

It's pretty easy when your main source of competition is home crying our the burnt ruins of a modem.

[GM]Dave Marathon - Vol. 2

Apparently, SE felt that people just weren't addicted enough.

You always hear stories about people falling over dead while playing Everquest or Wow. That never really happened with FFXI.

Maybe it's the warning that comes up before you start to play.

Maybe it's because our players are smart enough to remember to breathe.

Still, as bad as people dying is, it really says something about your game.

Dev1>> How's your game coming along?
Dev2>> We had three people die yesterday.
Dev2>> They just forgot how to live.
Dev1>> Damn.
Dev1>> That's a good game.

The only game this rule would not apply for is Duke Nukem Forever. And that's because people are dying of old age.


Still, the FF series never really went through that.

Obviously, something had to be done.

On a related note, FFXII hit stores yesterday.

[GM]Dave Marathon - Vol. 1

Alternate Title "The Bane Of My Existence"

Of all the NMs that I have camped, there is one that I hate more than all others.

Actually... It's not technically an NM.

Yes, I'm talking about everyone's favorite puddle of goo, Stroper Chyme.

For some reason (and don't ask me to explain the logic behind this one), Stroper Chyme drops a really good ring.

I don't know why a pile of jelly has a ring.

He doesn't even have fingers, for Christ's sake.

So, we have this monster that drops a very valuable ring, right?

Not exactly.

The ring used to be worth a lot of money. I say "used to be" because all of the gil sellers had to go and retard up the system, so the ring was changed to be Rare/Ex.

I started camping for the ring long before this change. My initial intention was to get the ring and sell it for big money and fabulous prizes.

Then, a week went by and no ring.

And another week. No ring.

Then a third.

Are you starting to see the pattern?

To this day, I have killed this little bastard hundreds, if not thousands, of times. In all of those kills, I have never once gotten a ring.

I don't even really need the ring anymore. Oh, it stopped being about the ring a loooong time ago.

This is revenge now, baby.

Ahab is getting his whale.

Every now and then, when I have nothing else going on, I'll spend a few days camping this bastard.

With most NMs, this might get you two or three kills over those few days. Not with Stroper Chyme.

No, sir. This guy isn't technically an NM, remember? He spawns every twelve minutes.

Do you know what's worse than camping an NM and having to wait hours on end?

Camping a monster that spawns every freaking twelve minutes.

This is like NM camping for people with ADD.

You don't even get a chance to breathe. Of course they had to make the spawn area gigantic, so you have to literally run around every second that you're camping.


Back when the ring was worth something and was horribly camped by gil sellers, the spawn area was very small. There were basically two places you had to look.

Now, the damned thing can spawn freakin' anywhere.

I think the devs do this just to hurt me sometimes.

Anyway, one time when I was on a particularly long camping binge, I started to go a little crazy.

That happens a lot, just so you know.

That's when something funny happened.

Another player showed up to try and get the ring.

You're probably asking yourself how in the hell that could be funny? I'm trying to get a ring and now another player shows up to compete with me. That sucks.

Usually, you'd be right. Not this time though.

The player's name was Chyme.

Having lost my mind (if I'd had any to begin with), this struck me as particularly funny. I quickly switched to my GM account and decided to have some fun.

[GM]Dave>> Give it to me.
Chyme>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Give me the ring.
[GM]Dave>> Right now.
Chyme>> What ring?
Chyme>> I don't know what you're talking about.
[GM]Dave>> DO IT!
Chyme>> I don't have any ring.
[GM]Dave>> THAT'S IT!


Chyme>> Oh Christ.
Chyme>> Where am I?!

[GM]Dave hits Chyme for 4,974 points of damage.
Chyme was defeated by [GM]Dave.

[GM]Dave>> Dammit.
[GM]Dave>> No drop.
Chyme>> What the hell are you doing?!
[GM]Dave>> What's it look like I'm doing?
[GM]Dave>> I'm getting my damned ring.
Chyme>> I don't have your ring.
Chyme>> I don't even know what you're talking about.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Chyme.

Chyme>> That's better.
Chyme>> You know, you can't just kill players like that.
Chyme>> It's not very n...

[GM]Dave hits Chyme for 5,661 points of damage.
Chyme was defeated by [GM]Dave.
Chyme falls to level 54.

[GM]Dave>> DAMMIT!

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Chyme.

This went on for a couple of hours.

In the end, I explained the joke to him.

He didn't find it very funny.

Some people have no sense of humor.

[GM]Dave Marathon!

I realize I've been missing a lot of updates lately. It sucks, but life happens.

However, to show my loyal readers that I still care, I have decided to make November 1st, the official [GM]Dave Marathon!

Today, I will be making multiple updates as time (and FFXII) permits.

Remember: [GM]Dave still loves you.

Also, I'm grinding out the fan club gift pack. There will be the usual funny stories, wallpapers, pictures, maybe a contribution by Susan, and a new addition I like to call "[GM]Dave's Guide To Not Being A Retard".

Catchy, huh?

Since last night was Halloween and most of you are probably obsessed with FFXII, I'll be sending the gift packs out by Friday and anyone who donates before then will get one.

Anyway, let the Marathon BEGIN!