Friday, August 29, 2008

The Pandemonium Saga Continued

So, when last we left our hero, he was stuck in a dilemma.

On the one hand, a group of players had lost an item that was incredibly difficult to obtain and [GM]Dave actually felt a little sorry for them.

On the other hand, they were now making GM calls and that makes [GM]Dave angry. People who make GM calls get fed to a dragon.

What will our hero do?

Stay tuned tomorrow and...

Okay, okay. I'm writing.

Put the knife down.

What the hell are you going to do with a knife anyway? Stab your monitor?

You're lucky I still talk to you, you know.

Anyway, this is where the story became a little bit annoying for me. Once I learned the full story from the linkshell leaders, I was on their side.

They made a mistake, but the system is designed to keep that mistake from totally making you cry.

Yes, there was some crying.

Besides, I had been fairly impressed by how quickly they obtained their key. It takes a lot to impress me, so I was actually hoping they'd pull it off.

Sure, the goblin thing made me laugh, but I always laugh at the pain of others.

I'm like Bob Saget, but without the wacky side effects.

So, [GM]Dave was on their side. Actually, quite a few of the GMs were on their side.

This would be a simple fix, right?

The fact that you're reading this right now should tell you that was wrong.

The actual people in charge of the linkshell contacted the GMs properly and made a formal request for us to investigate.

That was the right thing to do. We love it when people actually ask us to investigate stuff worth investigating.

Plus, I get to wear my sunglasses and make mildly-retarded comments.

But rather than wait quietly, while we conducted our investigation and moved the issue through the proper channels (believe it or not, we don't just hand out incredibly rare key items to anyone who just asks for them), many of the players involved started making GM calls.

LOTS of GM calls.

Then they posted the whole thing on a variety of forums.

Then OTHER PEOPLE started sending us even more GM calls.

Within days, we were absolutely flooded with calls from people who were nowhere even near their computer when this shit went down.

It was bad enough when people from the linkshell were sending us stupid GM calls. Then some guy from another server who was out of town that week had to start bitching about it.

What the hell was that about?

I mean people started sending us some nasty shit.

Those people were dealt with.

Any player that sent a message that started with "You have to..." ended up getting fed to Jormy and then banned.

He died of food poisoning three times.

Why would you start a message with "You have to..."?

I play video games for a living and I'm usually drunk before 10 am.

I don't have to do anything.

And why would you get belligerent?

It was weird enough that people who had nothing to do with the whole situation were sending GM calls about it. Then they started getting angry and insulting.

Why would you even do that?

From now on, if you want to get banned, just ask. Seriously, just send a GM call and say "Please ban me".

I'm not a plot kind of guy. When I watch porn, I just skip to the good parts.

I don't need a long or complex reason to ban you.

Just ask.

Once we actually had an opportunity to review the situation and discuss the matter with the linkshell leaders (and ban a bajillion people), we decided the best way to handle the situation was to return their key item and wish them good luck.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Next time: they did not all live happily ever after.


Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Pandemonium Saga

I figured I would wait until after the whole issue was resolved before talking about this story.

When Pandemonium was introduced, he was designed as the new epic boss, the new truly awesome ass kicker.

This was the original intention behind Absolute Virtue, but we got kind of sick of telling people "the answer is in the video".

You've probably also heard about this guy in the news recently as a group of players tried to take him down and only managed to get their asses severely kicked.

Both in game and in real life.

Yeah. He's awesome.

But before we get to that part, we need to go all the way back to how the whole funny saga started.

See, in order to spawn Pandemonium Warden and actually get the chance to fight him, you have to obtain a Pandemonium Key and trade it to a ??? point.

The key is very hard to obtain and, when the Warden was first added, the key was seen as one of the rarest items in game.

Truly something incredibly valuable.

As you progressed through the quest and obtained your key, game dialogue explained where to take the key. It gave a vague description of where to find the ??? point.

You probably think that this seems all very straight forward.

We thought the same thing.

Shortly after the whole thing was introduced, an endgame linkshell managed to obtain their very own Pandemonium Key.

Very impressive.

Then they took that key and traded it to a ??? point.

Incredibly impressive.

Except they traded it to the wrong ??? point.

Less impressive.

Now, when you trade an item to an unrelated ??? point in FFXI, you immediately get your item back and the game usually gives you a message that amounts to "that's the wrong item, you retard."

That didn't happen.

Instead, a goblin named ATNM Test spawned.

The endgame linkshell, no doubt overcome with anticipation, pounced on this new epic NM with vision of victory and glory dancing before their eyes.

It was a long and arduous battle.

Three seconds.

Maybe four.

It seems that instead of the truly awesome endgame boss they had expected to battle, they were served a low level goblin.

Oh... And they lost their key.

They were not as happy as you might expect.

One might say they were even a little grumpy.

The death threats they started sending through GM calls speak for themselves.

Now, it's at this point that I'd like to point out that the description of where to trade the key didn't even remotely correspond with the ??? point they traded it to.

Not even close.

It would be like me telling you to meet me near Yankee stadium and you deciding I meant somewhere in Texas.

Sure, Texas is a great place. I understand things are quite large there.

But that's not where I told you.

Yes, yes. I know Texas is a place, too. I get that.

Not the place.

So, they traded an incredibly valuable item to the wrong ??? point. That was their mistake.

This is the point where I would probably feed them all to a certain purple dragon, but, uncharacteristically, I was actually kind of rooting for them.

They were the first guys to really get their shit together and get down to business on this. And they did it to improve themselves, not so they could flood forums with "OMGLOL 1ST NA EVAH" bullshit.

That's cool with me.

I thought they were really nice guys.

Well... Until the death threats.

They also said some very unkind things about my mother.

Not necessarily untrue, mind you, but unkind.

Still, how could we handle the situation?



Tuesday, August 26, 2008

In The News...

So, you've probably noticed that FFXI has been in the news recently.

First, there was a flurry of stories surrounding Pandemonium Warden who was apparently so tough that he actually started kicking players' asses in real life.

I'll be writing about him for the next couple of posts.

It's a whole thing.

But before I get into that, I thought it would be a good idea to go into our newest announcement.

Now, if you're not a FFXI player, you may not have heard a lot about our newest game adjustment. It made the rounds of several major gaming sites, but you may have missed it.

I'll forgive you this time.

If you are a FFXI player, then you're probably reading this in a state of post-orgasmic bliss.

Yes, it's that big.

As the player base in FFXI evolved, we saw a major pattern forming. Players who achieved level 75 tended to merit more than party at lower levels. This created an abundance of high level players, but made lower level partying difficult.

This isn't news for FFXI players. Anyone who has ever had to find a tank or healer for a forming party knows what I'm talking about.

Leader>> Alright... Let's get some more members.
Member1>> Anyone lfg?
Leader>> 17 melee DD... And no healers.
Leader>> Wait... Wait...
Leader>> 18 melee DD.
Member1>> Yeah... I'm gonna go craft.

The party dynamic requires a certain layout of job classes. Because of a lack of lower level players, it was often difficult to fill vital roles.

That was bad.

After carefully considering the problem, the devs decided to do something about it.

I suggested we just delete every player below 75 and change the name to FFXI: Meriting Online.

Apparently, that plan wasn't financially "acceptable".

Instead, the devs came up with the new Level Sync function.

Using this new function, players of any level can party together and their levels will be reduced to the level of a single party member.

Great. You've got 5 members for your party and you need a Bard. Unfortunately, the only Bard is level 47.

One quick button push later and all of your members are temporarily reduced to level 47.

It's beautiful.

You may be asking yourself "But won't you have to go buy new gear when you change levels?"

That's a stupid question. You should be ashamed for even asking it.


Of course they thought of that. Your uber high level gear will automatically adjust stats to match your new level.

You can still wear your epic armor of ass kicking + 1 even though you're now level retarded.

The only down side to this part is that now you're going to see Dunes parties in full Ares gear. People with some of the best gear in the game are going to be spending time killing level 16 crabs.

I'm pretty sure that can cause your head to explode.

Still, a little fashion awkwardness aside, this update is an unprecedented level of awesome.

Hey, all you Black Mages stuck lfg around level 55. Those of you who can't get parties because all the parties are fighting Colibri.

A few mouse clicks later and you're getting your party on at level 45.

All of you melee stuck in the doldrums between 40 and 50. Those of you who can't get parties because there are so many melee competing for limited party spots.

A few mouse clicks later and you can join any party at any lower level.

All of you Puppetmasters...

Yeah, you're still screwed.

But now you can not get invited to parties at a variety of levels.

Honestly, this announcement marks a major change in the game itself. We're opening the game up and making it easier and more enjoyable for players.

Hopefully, this will make everyone's life a little better.

And hopefully, this will stop people from making inane GM calls about how they can't find a party and that FFXI is dying.

That'll give me time to deal with all the other inane GM calls.


I'd be upset by that, but this update is just too awesome.

Plus, I'm very, very drunk.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Fan Packs GO!

Okay, part 1 has been sent out. They should be in your inboxes now.

If it is not, then it means your e-mail fails.

Or you forgot to donate.

Other than that, it should be there.

Part 2 will be sent out either tomorrow or Sunday. I want to make sure it's worth reading.

Basically, if Susan laughs, I know it's good enough for you guys.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Fan Pack Update

I'm working very, very hard on the fan pack.

I'm doing this because Susan is forcing me to.

She is a mean, mean woman.

This is just a reminder that the fan packs will be going out by Friday, so anyone who has donated by then will receive one.

Of course, anyone who donates within a few days can still get the pack.

But you won't be first.

And you all know how we love being first on the internet.

Things I Hate In FFXI - Vol. 5

Honestly, I'm having trouble coming up with stuff I hate about FFXI. I love this freakin' game.

If I didn't, I'd probably have shot myself by now.

Of course, I could just say I hate players (because I do), but that wouldn't be much of an entry.

Things I Hate In FFXI - Vol. 5 You. F--k you.

Still, no matter how good something is, there are those little things that bother you.

It also helps that I manage to find a way to hate everything.

It's a virtue.

Now, if there's one thing I hate about FFXI more than any other (and remember that I am very filled with the hate), it would have to be elitism.

That and low level players.

Damned n00bs.

I've never really understood elitism.

In order to act elite, you should be positive that nobody is better than you.

Being elite suggests you're making fun of someone who is not as good as you. Maybe they have worse gear or maybe they aren't as high in level as you.

But, if you're not the best there is, then you're just pointing out how retarded you are.

If you're on a basketball court, before you start talking smack, you want to make sure you're the best player there.

You'll look absolutely retarded when you start trash talking and then Michael Jordan walks up behind you.

Congratulations. Now, you're not elite and you look like a moron.

Then you end up getting posterized.

Have you ever seen a poster of Michael Jordan dunking? There's always two distinct parts to the picture.

1) Michael Jordan dunking
2) some poor bastard looking retarded

Now, that guy is going to be put up on someone's wall in a moment of epic fail.



I'm sure Hardaway there is a hell of a basketball player. I'm sure he could go on any basketball court and start talking shit.

But he sure as hell looks around to make sure Michael Jordan isn't there first.

You should never act elite unless you are damned sure you are elite.

That's the beauty of this game. No matter who you are or what you've done, you know someone is better than you.

Yes, they're probably Japanese.

Those guys take this shit serious.

I don't really care who you are. I don't care if you own a full Ares set or have every freaking piece of equipment in the game.

Somebody out there is better than you.

There's ALWAYS somebody better than you.

You don't see me running around talking shit to people in game. You won't see me in a party bragging about my gear or my level.

Have you ever seen GM gear? You can't beat that shit.

The other day I won shotted Absolute Virtue.

True story.

And yet, I don't act elite.


Because I don't like looking retarded.

Do you like looking retarded?

I didn't think so.

Basically, there's like one guy in the game who can talk shit. One guy who has more gear than anyone else.

And he can't talk shit either because he'll never know.

So, as we've established, anyone who acts elite is automatically retarded.

Except me.

I am awesome.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Things I Hate In FFXI - Vol. 3

Tonight's post is sort of an addendum to yesterday's post. It's another of those things that you just have to expect from a multiplayer game.

Of course, that doesn't mean it still doesn't piss me off.

One of the things that has always driven me crazy is artifact armor.

I know what you're thinking: what could possibly piss me off about artifact armor?

Artifact armor is free gear that is usually at least acceptable. Sure, not every part is amazing, but each set has certain pieces that are very valuable.

What could I possible hate about that?

Maybe it's the fact that EVERYONE GETS IT.

This is supposed to be one of a kind, specially made armor that has been rediscovered through your quests.

You know, like finding an artifact.

So, you go through this epic series of quests, unearth valuable and historical gear, and finally equip yourself in your new, unique armor.

Just like everybody else.

How in the hell are you supposed to feel epic in your new artifact armor when seven people run past you wearing the same gear on their way to the auction house?

My personal favorite in this respect is the Dragoon artifact gear. Dragoon has always been my main job (shut up), so I was really looking forward to getting this gear.

The basic premise of the storyline is that you are recovering the lost armor of the last Dragoon.

Epic, I know.

But, if I'm finding the armor of the last Dragoon, what in the hell are all these other people wearing?

Player1>> So you recovered the armor of the last Dragoon?
Player2>> Yeah.
Player2>> It's really cool looking.
Player1>> What's it look like?
Player2>> Just like that guy over there.
Player2>> Or that girl.
Player2>> Or that Galka.
Player2>> Or those three tarus over there.
Player1>> ...
Player1>> How many suits of armor did the last Dragoon have?

It doesn't make any sense.

Again, it seems to be one of those issues that plague the MMORPG genre. As I said yesterday, you didn't see that shit happening in single player games.

Cloud>> Look, guys!
Cloud>> I just won the Ultima Weapon!
Barrett>> Yeah, I got one of those last week.
Barrett>> It's just sitting in my inventory.
Cloud>> But this is epic!
Cid>> Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Cid>> What's Cloud shouting about?
Barrett>> He got an Ultima Weapon.
Cid>> You, too?

I mean, maybe I'm being picky here, but shouldn't there be a limited number of artifact armor lying around?

Didn't people have anything better to do other than run around burying armor all over the freakin' place?

He was probably the last Dragoon because he spent all of his time hiding purple armor everywhere rather than going on actual missions.

DarkKnight>> Hey, Dragoon.
DarkKnight>> We're going to go kill a monster.
DarkKnight>> You want in?
Dragoon>> Sorry. I can't.
Dragoon>> I need to hide a bunch of my armor in boxes.
DarkKnight>> Oh... Kay...
Dragoon>> This is going to be awesome.
DarkKnight>> Yeah... Sure.
DarkKnight>> Well, we'll be over here. Killing the thing.
Dragoon>> So awesome.

What the hell?

At least tell me it's the armor of ONE of the last Dragoons. Give me something to work with.

Tell me there were legions of the bastards leaving their shit everywhere.



I really need to start letting this shit go.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Things I Hate In FFXI - Vol. 2

Okay, this is something that has always bothered me. It's not isolated to FFXI and is actually a big problem that is inherent to the MMORPG set up.

How exactly are you supposed to get enthralled in a storyline when you do missions over and over again?

You've just run a group through a very difficult, very complex event. The boss monster is dead and you stand victorious in battle.

Just like last week.

Let's take the basic storyline missions, for example. You spend days getting groups together and running through mission after mission.

Then you kill the Shadowlord.

The story makes perfect sense. It helps tie together the previous missions.

Everything is right with the world.

Then, two weeks later, you help an LS mate run the same mission.

And he's there again.

You killed him. You helped save him from [spoiler deleted].

You made a difference.

And yet... Two weeks later, he's there again.


He even says the same things to you.

It spoils the whole thing.

You left the event feeling victorious, feeling powerful. You had done something important and epic.

That's why you did it in the first place.

Seeing it all over again takes that away from you.

It's like boxing with your Dad when you were a kid. He'd pretend to get hurt and you'd feel proud.

Then he'd jump back up and you'd die a little inside.

On a side note, when I turned eighteen, I totally kicked my father's ass.

I probably shouldn't feel proud about that part.

And yet...

Anyway, you get my point. One of the fundamental problems with this kind of game is that the events aren't isolated.

There's no closure.

Do you remember FFVII?

When I killed Sephiroth, that motherf--ker stayed dead.

Credits roll, game over.

You didn't go back to level grinding and then do the fight over again because Yuffie had to work the time you killed him before.

Oh hey. Cid forgot to get the key item. Let's go kill him again.

I realize that there's no actual way to fix this problem without making the game single player.


I need to make some calls.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Things I Hate In FFXI - Vol. 1

I know I spend a lot less time talking about FFXI these days. But that doesn't mean it isn't near and dear to my heart.

Still, as much as I love this game, there are a few things that have always bothered me. You know, those little things that you kind of let go because it's just a game.

I don't let things go.

You're surprised, I'm sure.

One of the things that has always bothered me about the game is the nature of the drop system.

Now, don't get me wrong. I completely understand the drop system is designed to make you work for things.

I get that.

But why is it only some rabbits drop rabbit hides?

If I'm out farming rabbits to get rabbit hides, I'm pretty sure I'm going to pick targets that have skin.

I'm not an idiot.

Hell, I can see the things have skin when I run up to them.

How in the hell do I not get a hide every time?

[GM]Dave defeats the Wild Rabbit.
Oh... Hey... Yeah...
Apparently that rabbit had no skin.

This is probably where you're going to try and come up with an explanation.

Trust me, I've heard them all.

Maybe your weapon damages the hide and only occasionally are they salvageable.

Sure, that makes a lot of sense, right? You're killing little bunnies with a big freakin' sword. You have to expect a certain amount of damage.

But what about when you use other weapons?

Are you trying to tell me hitting a bunny with a stick is going to ruin the hide?

What about casting Water? Is this some new type of bunny that can't get wet?

Nope. Doesn't make any sense.

While we're on the topic of drops, what about finding random armor on animals?

Or keys?

Why in the hell are the beastmen forces leaving keys tied to random animals?

Orc1>> Crap. I need to keep this key safe.
Orc2>> Why don't you just keep it?
Orc1>> I've got a better idea.
Orc1>> I'm going to tie it to this beetle.
Orc2>> ...
Orc2>> This is why people think we're retards.

For those of you who don't play FFXI, let me give you an example to help you understand my frustration.

In a certain desert in the game, you can find a scorpion. A big, freakin' scorpion.


If you and your friends manage to kill this scorpion, he drops a really awesome helmet.

Now, at this point, you should be asking yourself why a scorpion drops a helmet.

Are you asking yourself that?

I don't know either.

Apparently, when someone was programming the game, they thought that scorpions should drop some form of headgear. Maybe they thought this was something scorpions actually did.

Guy>> Oh crap. I stepped on a scorpion.
Guy>> Wow. Look at this sweet hat I found.

Did we not have wikipedia back then?

I'm pretty sure I can check the entry and not see "Scorpions belong to the arachnid family and also carry hats around with them."

And nobody pointed this out to the guy.

It's not even like the scorpion drops part of the hat. Like he could have dropped a shell or exoskeleton or something that could be fashioned into a helmet.

That would have at least made some sense.

But no. He drops a ready made helmet. You scoop it up out of his tattered corpse and just slap it on your head.

It even has a chin strap.

Could someone explain this to me?

Honestly, I'm just sick of the whole thing. Make up some half plausible excuse about why only some tigers have fangs and why a ghost drops a cape, and I'll just believe it.

Seriously. I don't care anymore.

Give me something. Anything.

And why the hell does everything drop crystals? Who in the hell is running around just jamming crystals into pretty much everything?

Some of those bastards have five or six crystals in them.

Can anyone explain this shit to me?


I hate it when things don't make sense.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dammit, Dammit, Dammit

Okay, one of you guys is going to have to be in charge of my schedule. I apparently cannot be trusted to keep track of time.

When I started the blog up again, I decided that I would stick to a strict four week schedule for the fan packs. That way, there'd be a definite pattern and I'd ensure that you guys got them in a timely manner.

Plus, I've really been enjoying working on them.

Unfortunately, four weeks from the last fan pack puts us to today. Since you're reading this, you can probably guess that the fan pack is not being sent out today.

You're really smart, you know.

Anyway, the fan pack will be sent out one week from today. I'm going to pull out all the stops and try and make this one the best fan pack ever.


I will, at the very least, keep the slapping it together at the last minute to an absolute minimum. Scout's honor.

Note: I was never actually a scout.

So, anyone who has donated $5 or more will become a member of the [GM]Dave fan club and will be sent their very own fan pack complete with a number of exclusive stories and articles.

Usually, I'd make mention of the highest donator of the month. The person who donates the most is usually given a special opportunity to take part in the blog in some way of their choosing. They can write a story or suggest an idea. They can feed a friend to Jormy.


That rule will still apply, but Susan has suggested I take it up a notch.

I am resisting the urge to yell "BAM!"

In addition, the person who donates the most will also be given the unique chance to suggest their very own theme week. Anything you'd like to read more about, I'll write about.

Every day for an entire week.

Please don't pick a stupid theme. I don't think any of us would enjoy an entire week of my perspective on the Antiques Roadshow.

Also, to sweeten the pot, I've decided to kick the whole thing off with an entire theme week dedicated to two things I love writing about:

2) Things I hate

For the next week, I will be concentrating on the parts and players of FFXI that I hate the most.

That really shouldn't be hard.

So, take this as your warning. Fan pack in one week.

Why aren't you donating yet?

All the cool kids are doing it.

Yes, yes. I know I'm a whore.

I get that a lot.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Why Didn't I Think Of That?

I'm sure you're all well aware of my feelings towards World of Warcraft.

For those of you who are not, I'm not a big fan.

Still, I couldn't let this go by without mentioning it.

Apparently, a couple of WoW players decided to develop their own product aimed directly at the MMORPG player.

Could it be a new keyboard?

No. Too mundane.

A new book series?

Nope. Been done.

A new keyboard?

You already said that.


No, this product goes right to the problem we all face as teh hardcorez.

Our lack of real world beverages designed to replenish our mana points.


We don't have mana points in the real world.

Still, I'm sure it does something awesome.

Let's look at the ingredients here...

Oh... Kay...

Apparently, one little bottle of mana energy drink has the equivalent of two cans of Red Bull.

Hey, that's good, right? I mean, I love Red Bull. I drink that shit all the time.

Sure, I pee neon green, but I'm sure that's completely unrelated.

Now, how could anything be bad when it's the equivalent of two cans of Red Bull? That would have to be twice as good, right?

Until you notice the bottle is only 40 ml.

No, that was not a typo.

Does this seem like a good idea?

Hey, we have a group of people who barely exercise and get badly winded if they stand up too fast, most of whom are already sleep deprived nearly to the point of death.

Yeah, let's jam two cans of Red Bull down their throats in one shot. That makes perfect freakin' sense.

The must have left off part of the label. You know, the part that says "Warning: side effects may include agitation, nervousness, and slight heart explosion."

Player>> Wow! This shit is awesome!
Player>> I can feel the power surging through me!
Player>> Oh... Wait...
Player>> That's a stroke.
Player>> ... Shit.

Nothing prepares you for long hours of intense gaming like a major coronary episode.

What the hell is wrong with the people who designed this drink?

I mean, yeah, I totally want to kill players occasionally.

Who doesn't?

But making them pay extra just so you can make their heart explode?

That's just wrong.

Besides, we totally came up with this idea first. At least we had the common sense to make it taste like Nyquil with almost no nutritional content whatsoever.

Sure, you didn't regain hit points or whatever, but you also didn't have a seizure.

That's refreshing.

And do you know the worst, absolutely most idiotic part of the whole thing?

I totally want to drink a gallon of that shit.

I don't care if my heart bursts straight out through my ribcage. It's concentrated Red Bull!


If I mix that shit with Jack Daniel's, I'm pretty sure I'll become the Highlander.

Or die.

It's times like this that I wish I had will power.

Or common sense.

Sigh... This is going to be the dumbest reason to die ever.

Monday, August 11, 2008

This Was A Triumph...

Okay, how many of you thought I was dead?

Be honest.

As many of you probably figured out, the fact that I was at a bachelor party last weekend (yes, there were boobs involved) meant that I was at a wedding this weekend.

I use the word "wedding" loosely. It was actually more of a four day drinking extravaganza.

Day 1 - Thursday

Rehearsal Party

See, this is when you get everyone involved in the wedding and go through the whole ceremony just to make sure that no one screws up.

One bridesmaid walked too fast. I thought they were going to shoot the bitch in the back of the skull.

This entire process took roughly thirty minutes. We were all then invited over to the groom's parents house for a barbecue.

Barbecue is a much broader term than I once thought. I always thought barbecue meant "cook food on a barbecue". Apparently, it also means "drink excessively and occasionally get handed a half-cooked burger."

I drank my body weight in Red Bulls and Jack Daniel's.

I did not grow wings. I did however tell a bridesmaid that her ass was so huge that it was frightening the children.

Then one of the groomsmen mixed me a drink that tasted suspiciously like paint thinner.

A good time was had.

Day 2 - Friday

Set Everything Up

Weddings are funny. You spend months and months and months planning shit and then you end up doing damn near everything in the 24 hours before the actual wedding.

Do you hire people to do all of this work for you? Of course not.

You ask your friends to help you.


Do you know what's more fun than setting up for a wedding?

Pretty much anything.

Luckily, the groom has to leave before it gets too late. He's not supposed to see the bride on the actual day of the wedding.

This means that all the men get to leave and go drink.

Which we did.

A lot.

We also played some poker. Five of us got together and played some hold em.

Four of us weren't retarded.

I drank a lot.

Day 3 - Saturday

The Actual Wedding

Do you know what you do before a wedding?

If you're a woman, you get up, get your hair done, get your make up done, get your nails done, get pictures done, etc.

If you're a man, you put on a tux. You may or may not drink.

Except remove the may not part.

I spent most of Saturday morning wearing a tux and eating pizza while we waited for our party bus to arrive.

When the ceremony was over, we ended up on the party bus and someone broke out the champagne.

This is when things started to get blurry.

I do have one very clear memory of the huge television screen playing loud music while very naked women danced around.

I also have a very clear memory of the bridesmaid that thought it would be fun to bring her son on the bus.

You can guess how that turned out.

After that was the reception. Wedding receptions are great because random people will just come by and offer to buy you drinks.

I would come by and offer to drink them.

That's when my memory starts to skip a bit.

Day 4 - Sunday

The Day After

Hey, it's all over, right?



Now we have to get together and watch the bride open all the gifts and try and look happy every time she opens a box with a stupid statue or picture in it.

Do you know the only thing more boring than opening a bunch of gifts that you're probably never going to want?

Watching someone else open a bunch of gifts.

Then someone said barbecue.

Day 5 - Monday

And here we are. I'm pretty sure my liver is dead.

Eh, he was holding me back anyway.

Looking back on it, it was a hell of a weekend. At least... What I can remember of it.

Weddings are awesome.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The [GM]Dave Lifetime Stupidity Award

A little over a week from now, a new Star Wars film will be released in theaters. The new film will be done entirely in CGI and will take place between episodes II and III.

This is a brilliant idea.

Do you know what hardcore fans love?

When you totally experiment and mess around with their beloved classic.

Did we learn nothing from Episodes I through III? Have we been too subtle with our criticism?

Like Episode I... What the hell was that?

Maybe the huge Star Wars fan base would enjoy it if we completely destroyed everything they held dear.

No? They didn't like that?

That's okay. We've got two movies left.

Episode II. This episode is best known for making greater use of the two most important robots in Star Wars history.

Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman.

Let's take the deep and compelling love story between Darth Vader and his wife and turn it into a bad episode of Dawson's Creek.

The fans will have to lov... No?



It's cool, though. We've still got one movie left.

Episode III. The original title of this episode was supposed to be Episode III: Oh crap, we've got to tie this shit together somehow.

Still, it has a dark ending. The fans will have to like...


Now, what can we do to fix this problem? We could go ahead and make episodes 7 through 9 like we always promised.

No, no. George doesn't want to do that so he can focus on other projects.

George, I think it's time to let that go. Star Wars is your project.

Star Wars is your only project.

That's okay.

We're not all waiting for Tiger Woods to stop golfing so he can start an acting career or some shit.

He golfs. That's cool with us.

Just make more Star Wars movies, George.

Oh hey, instead of making episodes 7 thoruh 9 and maybe, possibly resurrecting the franchise that you so thoroughly drove into the ground, let's make Episode 2.5.

And let's make that motherf--ker all CGI.

Who doesn't love CGI?

Inside sources have told me that they are working on a game related to the movie. In the game, you will be able to actually go back in time and physically rape your younger self.

Probably on Hoth.

The game will be released on the Wii, PS3, and the Dreamcast.

Why no Xbox360?

Screw you. That's why.

Lucasfilm didn't get where they are today by listening to popular opinion, logic, or anyone with a single grain of sense left in their brain.

Honestly, I think the entire operation has boiled down to a drinking game called "let's see how bad a movie we can make and still rake in a bajillion dollars."

And thus, for their unending, tireless work to decimate one of the most loved film franchises in history, I hereby give the [GM]Dave Lifetime Stupidity Award to the makers of Star Wars.

Die in a fire.

Monday, August 04, 2008

FFXI =/= illegal

Please stop e-mailing me.


Pretty please.

Yes, yes. I know you read that news story.

I read it, too.

Unfortunately, it seems far too many people didn't read it PROPERLY.

For those of you who either have not read the story or are afraid that the above link leads to a video of Rick Astley, here is the basic gist of the situation:

- boy buys FFXI
- boy plays FFXI
- boy decides to quit FFXI
- boy fails to read section in manual about canceling account
- boy fails
- boy's parents try to cancel account via phone
- boy's parents fail
- boy's parents take problem to state government
- state passes law pertaining to online games
- state fails

And that's basically the matter at hand.

Oh, wait...

- entire internet implodes

There we go. Almost left that one out.

See, this story started making the rounds of all the major gaming news outlets with flashy titles like "FFXI made illegal in Illinois".

That's a catchy title. It's quick. It's edgy.

It's not even remotely true.

The law as passed requires ANY online gaming service to have an online process by which to cancel one's account.

Gee, that would have been a great idea. We should have totally included that in the Playonline client program.

Oh... We did that. We already included an online process by which one could cancel their account.


Well, we should probably have explained the process in the manual.

We did that, too? Really? Right in the manual?

Oh... Okay...

Maybe we could have included a message when you create a content ID that explains that you have to cancel all content IDs in order to close your account and avoid being billed.

That's a good ide... Shit, we did that, too?


You'd think we'd have foreseen this problem.

And then created a solution.

And then wrote down that solution.

Several times.

Yeah, but now there's a law.

In Illinois.

That we haven't actually ever broken.

My head hurts.

To further expedite the process, I have come up with a number of alternate solutions.

Solution 1) Cancel all accounts for people in Illinois

I like this one. It solves the entire problem and saves the residents of Illinois from our nefarious explained-in-depth-readily-available cancellation program.

Win, win.

Besides what the hell are all these people from Illinois doing playing FFXI anyway? Shouldn't you people be
watching John Hughes movies or something?

Solution 2) Deluxe Package

Items needed:

- nuclear weapon
- box slightly larger than nuclear weapon
- postage to Illinois

Problem solved


Dear God! Did anyone do their homework on this before they passed the law?


Did you even read the manual?

I'm being silly. Actually reading pertinent information and understanding the situation would get in the way of passing laws.

We can't have that, now can we?

Did I mention that the boy's father happens to be a government official? That seems important.

Honestly, the whole situation just pisses me off. It's a stupid situation that lead to an even more stupid "solution".

And the worst part is that I'm sure there are intelligent people in Illinois.

Lots of them.

This kind of crap is going to give them a bad rap. A bad rap they don't deserve.

Okay, we're going to sort out the good people of Illinois from the bad people of Illinois. This will involve two simple questions.


Question 1) Are you from Illinois?

Question 2) Have you ever gotten a law passed because you failed to read a game manual?

If you answered yes to both of these questions, guess which group you're in.

Damn, I hate people.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Men Vs. Women - Bachelor Parties

I'm actually at a bachelor party right now, so this may be a little rushed.

Actually, I'm at the beginning part of the bachelor party where we're sitting around barbecuing and drinking before going out and getting sloppy drunk.

If I was writing this blog four hours from now, it would consist of ranting about cab drivers and 1500 of the letter w.

Anyway, I'm a friend of the groom and Susan is a friend of the bride. As such, we were invited to attend the bachelor and bachelorette parties, respectively.

The parties themselves actually show one of the most important differences between men and women.

See, women plan shit. Hell, they have to plan damn near everything.

Susan has spent days, literally DAYS, helping the bride-to-be plan her bachelorette party. They have been working on games and food and all sorts of crazy shit.

Most of the games revolve around penises. I'm not quite sure why.

Do you know what the men's party consists of?


That's it.

There will be no games. We're not going to sit in a circle and write out lists of stupid shit like weird names for penises.

That's what women do.

We're not playing vagina games. There are no vagina decorations and no vagina shaped novelties.

The closest was the one guy who brought a roast beef sandwich.

I'll give you a minute.

Why do women have to do stuff like that? Would the party be any less fun if they didn't organize?

Woman1>> Jesus Christ!
Woman1>> We don't have enough napkins!
Woman2>> Way to go, moron.

I mean, I'm sure they're having fun in their own way. I'm sure they're laughing and having a great time.

While cutting penises out of construction paper.

We're having a good time, too.

We're drinking.

Good times.