Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Law & Order: Gold Farmers Unit

There are few people I hate, loathe, DESPISE than RMTs.

That means Real Money Traders for those of you playing along at home.

Every major MMORPG has them. They're like a horrible, disgusting infection that can be treated, but never cured.

Basically, gil sellers are herpes.

Yes, you heard me right. They are herpes.

Now, we do our best to keep these guys in control. We're in those trenches every day kicking ass and taking names.

We then put those names on a form.

It's a long form.

I read almost half of it once.

But, no matter how many of these guys we ban, twenty more just show up to take their place. They're just waiting in the wings to create new accounts, credit cards squeezed in their eager little fingers.

It'd be almost cute if they weren't bloodsucking, c--ksucking blights on humanity.

That's twice the sucking for the same price.

What a deal!

Now, I don't want to stereotype all gil/gold sellers. It would be wrong of me to suggest that such a large group could be generalized into a specific demographic.

I'm just going to say that most, if not all, of them come from a certain country in Asia.

It begins with a C and rhymes with China.

Wait... I think I did that wrong...

This isn't a comment on Chinese people. Oh, no, those guys are all right. It would be downright stupid to judge an entire country by a small fraction of its people.

But the majority of gil/gold sellers do come from China.

Well... At least they used to.

It seems China decided to make RMT illegal. It is now officially against the law in China to take part in RMT activities for any MMORPG.

Oh yeah, baby.

Finally, a country has woken up and created actual laws against being a complete and utter douchebag.

About bloody time.

Let's kick it up a notch though. Let's make it illegal in EVERY country.

Punishable by death.

Ooooooooh! Or punishable by crotch punching!

That's way better. Death would be too damned quick. Crotch punching would be so much more effective of a deterrent.

And who does the punching? Anyone harmed or annoyed by RMT activities.

RMT group steal your NM? Crotch punch.

RMT group try and intentionally get you killed? Crotch punch.

RMT exploiting glitch to dupe gil? Falcon crotch punch.

If you can honestly tell me this doesn't sound like the best damned idea ever, then you're not reading it correctly.

We need to get this thing on the next ballot or something. We could vote on initiating a RMT crotch punch law.

We could stand up, as a people, and with clear voices yell that we will not go gentle into that goodnight. We will stand against the darkness and then we will punch it in the testicles.

Damn, I love democracy.

Monday, June 29, 2009


Okay, all fan packs have been sent out.

If you have not received yours yet, it means either:

a) it accidentally went into your spam folder

b) you did not give me the correct e-mail address

c) I just don't like you

Feel free to e-mail me if you didn't get yours. We can discuss how your e-mail works or why you are a blight on humanity.


This, by the way, has been an absolute week from hell.


What? Too dramatic?

Remember that time we had a pipe burst with all the water spraying into my basement and I somehow ended up stabbing myself with a knife?

Good times, good times.

Well, another pipe decided to go kablooey and this time, instead of a little water, we had an outright flood.

Did I mention the pipe was in the upstairs bathroom?

It was actually raining in my basement. Water was pouring down the walls and dripping from the ceiling.


Apparently, my insurance company doesn't actually screw you over and offered to pay for everything.

I like those guys.

Susan then decided we should spend the week fixing everything up to match the new stuff the workers were putting in.

I don't like her so much.

So, between getting over the flu, trying to actually undestroy my basement and upstairs bathroom, and actually going to work, I'm not doing so well with the sleep lately.

I seriously fell asleep while writing several of the fan pack stories. I'm pretty sure I edited out all of my wacky sleep-related sentences, but if I start talking about an english only tarantula or something, don't pay too much attention to it.

My plan now is to find a (preferably) horizontal surface and lie down until I'm am awoken by:

a) being completely rested

b) the apocalypse

c) a Swedish bikini team

Either one of those would be just super.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

My New Hero

It's official. I have a new hero.

Up to this point, my heroes included Bruce Lee, Michael Jordan, and whoever is currently sleeping with Megan Fox.

Today... Today, I have added a new hero.

He's not an athlete or a martial artist.

He's not currently sleeping with Megan Fox.

What he is doing is making the world a better place. He's working every single day to make others happy.

Could you ask for a more noble profession?

He doesn't call himself a hero. He considers himself just a man doing his job.

That man... Is Jeff Arnett.

I salute you Mr. Arnett. You truly are a hero.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Screw You... Math

Apparently, I counted wrong somehow.

Originally, I had planned seven days worth of posts, a day off to write, and then send out the fan packs on Wednesday.

It's Thursday.


I'm spending the night writing and the packs will be sent out tomorrow evening to everyone who donated.

On Friday.

Not Wednesday.

Stupid math.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 7


Number 7.

I actually survived another theme week.

This shit ain't easy, people. It's not exactly simple to make witty observations and tell humorous stories.

Or to make questionable observations and tell mildly amusing stories.

I do it all for you people. All for you.

Okay... I do it all for the donations. But that doesn't mean that you're not important to me.

You are my people.

I know that some of you love Jormy. I know that some of you hate Jormy.

I know some of you think that the Jormy stories are horribly formulaic. I know some of you think that formula is horribly awesome.

A lot of people ask why I don't write about Jormy as much as I used to. There was a time, oh so long ago, when every story ended with Jormy-related violence. Now, I'm lucky if I write about him once every two weeks.

No, I didn't get tired of Jormy.

I don't even see how that would be possible. It's my own personal dragon / weapon of vengeance.

How exactly could you get bored of that?

No, I'm not slowly phasing Jormy out.

I love Jormy. He's my eternal sidekick, helping me dole out my own special brand of justice to the peoples of Vana'diel.

There is no phasing out.


I'm currently trying to figure out how to port him over to FFXIV.

You know... Just in case.

If you ever see me in the street with a purple thumbdrive, you know that shit is on like Donkey Kong.

So, why don't I write about Jormy as much as I used to?

Honestly, I just don't want people to get tired of him.

Jormy makes me laugh. Every single time I hit that purple button (minus one time, stupid freaking cheap button), I laugh and enjoy myself.

And you guys enjoyed it for a long time.

Then, people said it started to get old.

It doesn't bother me when people say I'm not funny. My sense of humor is very odd and most people find it very hit or miss.

Mostly miss.

There is a great deal of missing.

It's like a darts tournament at a school for the blind.

Doesn't bother me. I make me laugh.

It does, however, bother me when people start saying shit about Jormy.

I know, I know. He's not real. He's just a bunch of code and textures just like any other video game character.

But if it wasn't for Jormy, I don't know how long I could actually have done this job. I don't know how long I could actually deal with players and complaints without quitting.

Or resorting to automatic weapons fire.

I don't want Jormy to get old. I don't want to be typing up yet another tale of my day at work and think "Shit, not Jormy again."

So, I'm trying to spread it out a bit.

You know, mix it up a little. Broaden my horizons.

A lot of crazy stuff happens in the world. Every day.

I write about some of it because it catches my interest. Maybe I have a fresh perspective to share. Maybe I just want to bitch about it.

Depends how you catch me that day.

But there will never be a day when I won't have a Jormy story ready to go.

It's kind of my thing.

And some day, way down the line, I'll be a crazy old man screaming about a giant purple dragon of DOOM while shouting at kids to get off my lawn.

And it'll still make me laugh.

You know... Assuming the bacon doesn't kill me first.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 6

He Was Asking For It

Perhaps I don't make myself clear. Perhaps something about these stories leads people to believe that I'm actually a really nice guy.

Personally, I thought I had done a pretty good job of developing a reputation for being a complete and utter asshole.

Because I am.

I really, really am.

And yet, for some reason beyond my understanding, people continue to send GM calls to meet me.

Does this sound like a good idea? Do you think it somehow wise to actively seek out someone who torments people for a living?

Now, that might sound bad enough.

It should.

But some people send GM calls not to meet me, but to meet... You guessed it... Jormy.

If that wasn't bad enough, there are people, A LOT of them, that send GM calls asking for me and THEN tell me they want to meet Jormy.

Yes, you read that right. They actively sought me out and then actively told me they'd rather talk to a virtual dragon than me.

I understand that people like Jormy.

I like Jormy.

Big fan.

But something must have, at some point, suggested to them that this would be a bad idea.


Why why why would you want to become the focus of my attention?

I actually have a backlog of people that I need to ban. Seriously, I have a notepad filled with names of people to ban at some point in the future.

Any time I get bored, I just ban the first dozen.

Most of these people have done things so inconsequential that I couldn't even be bothered to ban them immediately.

Many of them I can't even remember, but I assume my vengeance is justified.

Anti-Life justifies my hate.

Bonus points if you got that reference.

Now, given the fact that I already have a list of people to ban for even the most trivial of transgressions, do you really think it is a good idea to get on my bad side?

I didn't think so.

Here's a little thing I've come to embrace as a life philosophy: Bears will F&%@ your shit up.

That might not sound profound, but it really is. See, since I am already aware that bears will indeed F&%@ your shit up...


I would not willingly enter a bear habitat simply because there is even the slightest chance I might meet a bear and he might subsequently murder me in the face.

If that isn't a good philosophy, I don't know what is.

Do you understand? Do you get the point I'm making?

Okay, now imagine you've gone into the bear habitat and then told the bear that you're actually there to meet his friend, the tiger.

Not only are you interacting with something that could murder you at any moment, but now you're actually insulting it.


Just... Wow.

Anyone who has read this blog MUST know how much I HATE getting GM calls.

I hate the descriptions.

I hate the people who make them.

I ABSOLUTELY hate that stupid ding sound.

Making a GM call to talk to me already makes you the focus of my anger. I instantly associate all of that hate with your name.

Not a good thing.

Then you turn around and say "Screw you, [GM]Dave. I'm here to meet Jormy."

Pictured: Om nom nom

You can imagine how well that goes over.

Answer: Not well.

I totally get the Jormy love. I totally get how much you guys really love him.

But asking to meet him is just asking for trouble.

Meeting Jormy does not go well for anyone. Jormy is the last thing most people see moments before I destroy everything they've worked on for years.

Months and months (and months and months and months...) of your life, your hard work, your blood, sweat, and tears, turned into smoldering digital ruins in a rush of purple fury.

If that sounds like a good idea, then you are a poor decision maker.

Let's just save us all some time. Head on down to the zoo and jump into the first cage you can.

I hear the bears are friendly.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 5

Betrayal At Uleguerand

... This has been a long time coming.

I get asked one question about Jormy more than any other.

No, not what color he is.

Purple, stupid.

No, the one thing that most readers / Jormy lovers want to know is whether or not I have ever, ever, EVER help my linkshell kill Jormy.

... I suppose "no comment" won't really cut it, huh?

See, besides being my ultimate weapon of retard destruction, Jormy does still have a day job causing mayhem and murder in Uleguerand Range. For a long time, he was an incredibly popular target for end game linkshells.

It would, therefore, only make sense that I would take part in killing him at some point. Given the amount of time I spend playing and the number of active characters I have at any one time, it could be pretty much expected that this would come up.

What do you even think of me?

Do you really think I could do that to Jormy?

Jormy is my best friend. Of course I could never even consider killing him. I could never, in good conscience, raise a weapon against him.

Luckily, my linkshell usually has me go as a Black Mage.

What? Don't even act like you're surprised.

You wouldn't be surprised if I started out tonight post with "So, I punched a baby today..." I don't really think that it's that big a jump for me to help my linkshell kill Jormy for fun and profit.

If you remember correctly, my main job is Dragoon.

You may also recall that for a while there, a Barone Corazza was a really kick ass piece of gear to own.

So, it was really only a matter of time before my own self-interest won out over my loyalty.

Actual time: 3 minutes.

Oh, c'mon. Things were different back then. We didn't have eleventy million nice pieces of body armor to choose from.

You kids these days... You don't know how rough it used to be.

Sacrifices had to be made.

And not by me.

I still remember my first Jormy run after I started working as a GM. Someone in my LS started organizing the run and I found myself struggling with a moral dilemma. Could I really kill Jormy for some stupid, shiny piece of equipment?

A really shiny piece of equipment?

Like super shiny...

Seriously. 3 minutes.

My LS started looking for people to come as mages and I volunteered because:

a) I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye and hit him with my lance

b) Jormy will severely F&%@ up a melee

So, I went and sat back with the mages.

It's nice back there. While the rest of the group is up front getting their asses handed to them, we get to sit back and relax.

Occasionally, we'd throw out a spell.

Between naps.

As the fight raged on, I couldn't help but feel bad.

I mean that. I really couldn't help it. My usually carefully contained (read: ignored) human emotions started to well up.

Poor, poor Jormy.

MY poor, poor Jormy.

Could I really stand there and watch this happen? Could I help it happen?

All for some stupid, shiny Corazza (read: word that I can only assume means shirt).

Was this really what it felt like to experience... Guilt?

I spent much of the battle wrestling with the morality of killing a virtual, non-existant creature in order to obtain a virtual, non-existant shirt.

It was a virtual, non-existant dilemma.

I was virtually, non-existentially fraught.

Then I started to get virtually, non-existentially hungry.

That... That was confusing, to say the least.

I was so caught up in my philosphical debates that I didn't notice how terrible the battle was actually going.

I certainly didn't notice them drag Jormy over to where we were standing.

And then, I couldn't help but notice when someone behind him got hate.

You'd be surprised how easily a nice Spike Flail will wrap up a moral dilemma, virtual or not. Once we reraised, I felt much less guilty about killing him.

I still have that Barone Corazza. I wear it just to remind him who the boss is.

I just have to make sure I don't stand behind him while I wear it.

That shit can get messy.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 4

The Day My Macro Died

A keyboard is a necessity. Seriously, I think a good keyboard should be on the list of basic human needs right next to food and shelter.

I love my keyboard.

It's even got this really nice set of programmable macro keys that let me run a number of commands all at the press of a single button.

Yeah, the same keyboard I would ban someone for using to fish bot.

Where do you think I got the idea?

The very first of these programmable macro keys is a lovely purple color. I actually pried the key off and painted it myself.

It's very pretty.

This key has been programmed to do all of the tedious work of summoning Jormy to eat whatever person I have deemed deserving of banning.

I know what you're thinking. Tedious?

It's not exactly easy to warp a giant dragon from one area to the next, you know. There are a lot of menus and commands that I had to figure out to get this to work.

Once I had it programmed to a single key, it made my life so much easier.

It made other people's lives much harder, but still... Who really cares about them?

That key became the one thing that helped me keep my sanity. Through those long, long, LONG days of dealing with the most annoying, frustrating, RETARDED citizens that Vana'diel had to offer, it was only that key that kept me going.

Then... Then one day...

One day the key broke.

It was a really busy day. My supervisor had just informed us that we were doing another massive banning sweep. Each of us was given a long list of accounts to check, review, and then ban if deemed necessary.

I, of course, skipped the whole checking and reviewing portion of the day's events.

What? I had things to do.

Mostly ruining peoples lives.

Eh, it's a hobby.

I was giving each banning my own usual flair. Each person got their own individual send off.

[GM]Dave>> Knock knock.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Who's there?
[GM]Dave>> Banned.
Player>> ... Banned who?

Jormungand hits Player for 16,788 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

I mean, it was the least I could do. I was sending them back to their silly, meaningless lives.

Then, after countless eatings and bannings, I was in the middle of a call.

[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> The answer was 7.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I'm going to have to ban you.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> You didn't even ask a question.
Player>> You just popped up and said the answer was 7.
[GM]Dave>> I know, I know.
[GM]Dave>> I'm just as upset as you are.
Player>> I really doubt that.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> I think I've come to terms with it.
Player>> This is bullshit.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Obscene language.
[GM]Dave>> That's grounds for banning.
[GM]Dave>> That's no excuse for a potty mouth.
Player>> Is there anyway to appeal this?
[GM]Dave>> Well... I could...
[GM]Dave>> No, you wouldn't go for that.
Player>> Go for what?
[GM]Dave>> I could transfer you to the complaints department.
[GM]Dave>> They're very sympathetic.
Player>> That sounds good.
Player>> Let's do that.
[GM]Dave>> Not a problem.


Now, I just hit my beautiful purple key and IT'S JORMY TIME!




What the hell?!

Player>> Umm...
Player>> Are you transferring me or what?
[GM]Dave>> Just a second.

C'mon dammit.





Player>> Is everything okay?
[GM]Dave>> FINE!
Player>> Oh... Kay then.

Okay, menus...


Wait. Was is this menu or the other one?

Shit, it's been a long time since I did it this way.

Dammit, that's the bunnies.

Have to hurry while he's still on the hook.

Player>> I can just call customer service if that would help.


[GM]Dave>> No, wait.
[GM]Dave>> I think I've got it.

Your tell could not be received. The player has logged out and is calling customer service who will explain that his account has been banned in a calm and respectful manner.

Epic fail.

That was a really nice keyboard. Really nice.

It was made of really high quality plastic. Very sturdy.

It wasn't until the third time I slammed it into a wall that it shattered into pieces.

Funny story: apparently, if your boss gets hit in the eye with a flying keyboard key, it goes on your permanent file.

Damned stupid keys.


I'm not sure exactly where last night's post came from. I remember thinking about pokemon and then everything after that is a blur.

Sleep deprivation will make you write some F&%@ed up shit.

I'd try and blame whisky, but it had nothing to do with it.

You leave Jack Daniel's out of this.

No, I'm still getting over the last lingering traces of being sick, so I decided to pound back a few shots of Nyquil early in the evening so that it would kick in when I was ready to sleep.

Just so you know, if you're already sleep deprived, there is no "kick in" delay for Nyquil. By the time you finish swallowing, your brain is already shutting down.

Yes, I thought I had time to write a post between ingesting the Nyquil and falling asleep.

You can see how that turned out.

Nyquil: the night-time coughing, sneezing, sniffling, make you write some really messed up shit about Pokemon medicine.

I'd suggest they put a warning label on the bottle, but who other than me would actually need that warning?

I iz special.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that I wasn't in my right mind when I wrote that. The fact that it even maintains a trace of rational thought boggles my mind.

One of these days, I'm going to have to find out exactly how messed up I can get and still post a blog entry.

That... That should be interesting.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 3

There, but for the grace of Hironobu Sakaguchi

I love the Final Fantasy series.

You're shocked, I know.

I'm serious, though. I freakin' LOVE those games.

Part of loving something is wondering what it would be like if it was different. Would it still be as good? Would you still love it as much?

It's like when I imagine what it would be like if Susan was an eighteen year old cheerleader.

Shhhhh. Shhhhh.


And I'm back.

Yes, I realize Susan is going to punch me in the trachea for that, but you get my point.

I imagine what it would be like if Final Fantasy had been a first person shooter.

Pretty much what it is, but with less menus and with more tea bagging.

Can you imagine if they actually made a Final Fantasy shooter game? Oh, man that shit would be so aweso...

Oh... Yeah...

Let's move on then.

The one that piques my interest the most though is if... I almost shudder to think it... But what if Final Fantasy had started out like a Pokemon game.

Hear me out here. I'm trying to make a serious point.

Sakaguchi was sitting down developing his life's greatest work. He was deep in the creative process, working out a game that would enthrall millions.

Then he sees a hamster in one of those little plastic ball things.

Boom. We're F&%@ed.

11-ish games later, we're running around Vana'diel with pokeballs and going off on long soliloquies about how friendship will help us become number one and enslaving various species of indigenous life.

Now, why am I bringing this up during Jormy theme week?

I was trying to explain this idea to Susan one night (minus the cheerleader part) when she said something that broke my mind.

Susan>> Could you imagine if Jormy was your pokemon?


Woah. That was a friggin' trip.

All I could picture in my head was me running around with hugely exaggerated eyes and giving completely unnecessary peace symbols whenever I said anything.


And Jormy, instead of being the epic, frightening monster that he is, was a tiny purple baby dragon.

Also with hugely exaggerated eyes.

It was... Disturbing.

That shit haunted me. I just couldn't get it out of my head.

Note: This also speaks to how very little I really have to worry about in my life. Seriously, it's like keeping Susan happy and weird alternate realities where I was a Pokemon Master. That's it.

Somebody does something stupid and I warp them to Veridian Gym.

I chose Veridian Gym because:

a) it was a very impressive gym

b) it's the only town I actually remember

Well... Pallet Town, but that was totally a bitch city. They didn't even have a gym.

All it was was a little town where some crazy professor sent children off to die alone in the forest with an elemental gerbil.

So, I warp them to Veridian Gym. Then we have a long, drawn out conversation about the nature of honor and then undermine everything we've just said by forcing trained animals to battle to the death instead of actually fighting ourselves.

And then the little baby Jormy uses his finishing move.

[GM]Dave>> JORMY!

Seriously, why all the yelling? Are pokemon hard of hearing?

Wait... Where was I?

[GM]Dave>> JORMY!

Lots of cartoon blood and generic tear drops next to our faces.

And cute little Jormy strikes a victory pose.

Still soaked in blood.


Seriously, I spend time thinking about shit like this.

I need to get a hobby.

Maybe a nice card game or something.

Honestly, I like Jormy the way he is. If I had to run around with Spyro, getting him to eat people, I'd probably drink a lot more than I already do.

Jormy is supposed to be a giant, soul (and spine) crushing dragon. He is supposed to instill fear in anyone who happens into his path.

Not make them want to "catch 'em all".

Don't get me wrong. In this little vision, he was cute as all hell.

But Jormy's not supposed to be cute. Jormy's supposed to look like death.

In dragon form.

Maybe things are better this way. Maybe everything worked out for the best.

Or maybe someone is going to read this and think that a Final Fantasy/ Pokemon game is a freaking brilliant idea.


Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 2

A Day In The Life of Jormy

6:00 am

Alarm clock rings indicating it's time to get up and start working.

6:01 am

Destroy alarm clock.

9:00 am

Woken by a bunch of Kindred demons arguing about whether or not the demon name indicates a religious reference or is a more secular term for monster.

9:01 am

Make note to horribly murder Kindred demons.

All of them.

Finally wake up and decide to go kill something.

9:02 am - 10:00 am

Walk in circles.

10:01 am - 11:00 am

Still walking in circles.

11:01 am - 12:00 pm

Again with the circles.

Seriously, where the hell is everyone? Starting to get hungry.

12:17 pm

That [GM] guy summons me to eat a Galka.

I'm not THAT hungry.

Still, if I don't eat him I'm going to be out of a job. Given the economy and my 87 children I have to feed, that really isn't an option.

12:18 pm

Ugh. I really hate Galkas.

With all the hair.

And the smell... Oh dear Altana, the smell.

I think I'm going to be sick.

12:19 pm

Back in Uleguerand Range. Still walking around in circles.

Try walking in a rhombus.

No one notices.

12:43 pm

[GM] guy summons me again.

This time I have to eat two tarus and a hume female.

No... Wait... That's a hume male.

Man, it's really hard to tell those things apart.

12:45 pm

Back in Uleguerand Range.

Seriously? Right back to the icy wasteland?

We couldn't hang out and chat for a while?

Make note to contact my union rep.

1:51 pm

Hey, someone is actually here to see me.

It's just one little Elvaan. Probably trying to get a screenshot or something.

I'll just use draw-in...

1:52 pm

A bajillion people just appear out of nowhere.

At first, I think it's a tour group or something, but I slowly start to wonder if they might have more violent intentions. Something about the way they're all milling around.

That and the stabbings and magical spells and whatnot.

Side note: Ouch.

2:16 pm

Still fighting when I notice a guy wearing a Barone Corazza.

That's in poor taste. You don't see me wearing armor made from one of his kidney stones.

Why the hell am I carrying all of this metal shit anyway? I'm a freaking dragon.

What the hell am I going to do with Molybdenum Ore?

Frankly, it's just a liability. People keep showing up trying to freaking gut me over a stupid chunk ofr ore that I don't even want.

They could have just asked. I think I would have been cool with that.

Wait... What was I doing?

Oh yeah... The fighting.

3:04 pm

These guys really aren't good at this.

Usually by this time, the battle's been over for a while and I'm off getting some coffee while I wait to respawn.

Maybe they're just a little slow.

4:35 pm

Really? Still with the fighting?

This is getting a little sad.

Actually, we passed a little sad a while ago.

4:58 pm

Get bored and fake my own death. I just fall over and drop some ores on the ground.

They don't seem to mind.

At least I can get some peace and quiet.

4:59 pm

[GM] guy summons me to eat an LS full of gil sellers.


I wouldn't mind so much, but I know I'm just going to be hungry again in an hour.

See what I did there?

5:30 pm

Dinner break.

I try not to think about the irony.

6:30 pm

Summoned to eat a guy whose name is a euphemism for penis.

Pray [GM] guy doesn't make a joke about eating cock.

6:31 pm

Die a little inside.

6:34 pm

Consider alternate careers.

Children's entertainer maybe.

7: 27 pm

Summoned to...

Honestly, I don't really care at this point. I'm going to eat someone because they did something wrong/evil/slightly annoying.

It really doesn't matter what they did.

I munna eat choo.

8:00 pm

I think... I think he's done for the day.

I'm safe.

Now, I just have to worry about passing thirty seven suits of armor and my day will be over.



And tomorrow... Tomorrow, I get to do it all over again.

8:01 pm

Fall asleep weeping softly to self.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 1


I read a lot of comments about my writing.

A lot.

Most say it's funny. Some say it's not. Others try and show me how to order discount prescription drugs.

But out of all of those comments, the ones I find the most interesting are the ones that say my writing is formulaic.

Actually... Not all of my writing.

Just the Jormy stories.

Basically, they point out that all of my Jormy stories go the same way. I explain problem, present example of problem, witty comments are made, and... Feed them to a dragon.

Every single time. Problem, example, witty, dragon.

It's like mad libs for people with severe anger management issues.

Now, the reason I find these comments interesting (and not enraging) is that they act like being formulaic is a bad thing.

What the hell?

EVERYTHING is formulaic is you read/watch it enough.

Hey, that stupid Transformers movie is all about vehicles that turn into robots and all the fight scenes look like someone threw a cutlery drawer at the camera.


Hey, this is that episode of House where they try and cure the guy, fail, then House comes up with a brilliant solution with three minutes left to the show.


Hey, this is one of those Japanese turn-based RPGs with a complex, intelligent plot steeped in philosophy, but ultimately ruined by poor translation.


Oh, and the main character is an adolescent boy with both a weapon and a hairstyle that question the very laws of physics.

So formulaic.

But don't you just love that shit?

You love it because it is formulaic. You love it because you liked it the first time and you know you'll like it the next time.

The guys at KFC don't decide to switch it up every now and then and sell some freaking hamburgers.

You go there for chicken. You expect chicken.

It'd be pretty stupid to show up one day and get all upset that they're still selling chicken.

I write Jormy stories that way because that's what I do.

I deal with morons.

I feed morons to Jormy.

That is, quite literally, my job.

I don't come down to where you work and slap the damned stapler out of your hand and suggest you should use some f&%@in' paperclips.

By the way... Your job makes me sad.

Jormy is the embodiment of my limitless anger, my unholy rage. Jormy is the not-even-plausibly large sword I use to strike down those people who irritate me.

Plus, it has to be damned embarassing to get eaten by a big, purple dragon.

Sure, I could just ban people with a few key presses. A nice little window would pop up and I could fill in some stock message or error code.

Golly gee, wouldn't that be swell?

Maybe after that, I could hop in my solar-powered car and drive to get myself a half-caf mocha latte.

I better slow down. I don't want to get too excited.

I feed people to Jormy because that's what they F&%@ING deserve. They deserve to have their very last moments in our Vana'diel be horrible and terrible and so very, very purple.

Yes, the incendiary devices cross a line, but still.

I don't use Jormy because I can't think of anything else to do.

I use Jormy because I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

The only thing that keeps me even relatively sane is the ever so familiar feeling of my Jormy macro buttons underneath my fingers.

Don't you wish you had a button like that at your job?

Don't you?

If you did, wouldn't you use it all the freaking time?

If you said no to that question, you are a liar.

Sure, the Jormy stories may very well be formulaic.

But that formula equals awesomeness.

Plus, I just giggle my ass off every time he eats someone.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Envelope Please...

Looking at the patented "[GM]Dave's entirely arbitrary amount of time" clock on the wall, I can see it's time to count up the votes.

Jormy: eleventy bajillion

Not Jormy: Uhh... Four.

Okay, okay. It wasn't four. It was slightly more than four. Still... You get my point.

By overwhelming demand, Jormy will be making a return to theme week.

Some people in the comments section (yes, I read the comments section) suggested that they'd like to read some different kinds of Jormy stories. So, as a part of theme week, I'll be trying out a few alternative styles.

How about a new Jormy movie? Directed by Michael Bay.

Okay, I pulled that one out of my ass, but that's the general idea.

Don't worry, though. I will still include a few "Jormy eats the stupid persons" posts for people who prefer the classic [GM]Dave.

I may also, possibly, find time to sleep this week.

Not likely.

I must suffer for my art.

The obsessive game playing has nothing to do with it, I swear.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Oh, You're Going To Like This

So... We have a little problem.

This month's top donator has asked me to do an entire week of Jormy stories. Apparently, he is a big fan of the large, purple dragon and would like 7 straight stories related to said dragon.

This leaves me with a predicament. I did a theme week about Jormy about 9 months ago.

Now, I don't want to tell this guy too freaking bad and suggest a week about my favorite bacon recipes or something.

But I also don't want to do a theme week that is going to annoy the hell out of everyone else.

Decisions, decisions.

As usual, rather than doing any actual work, I'm going to put this decision off on you people. You will get to decide whether or not I go through with another Jormy theme week.

To sweeten the pot a little, the entire fan pack will be Jormy-related as well. Lots of Jormy. Jormypalooza.

Speaking of which, I'm trying very, very, VERY hard to stick to the four week schedule this time around, so the fan packs should be going out around next Wednesday.

I'm sure you all know the routine, but in case you're new, fan packs will be sent to anyone who has donated $5 or more since the last fan pack. Donating will automatically make you a remember of the Official [GM]Dave fan club. Fan club membership comes with a number of benefits including:

a) a fan pack of really gosh darn swell stories

b) mercy when I am finally named true and rightful ruler of this entire planet



Too much?

The fan pack contains a variety of extra articles and stories (and whatever other stuff I decide to throw in).

Honestly, sometimes I have no idea what other stuff might go in there. If I suddenly decide to write a piece about the political undercurrents of the Cosby Show, I throw it in.

I'm weird like that.

I used to include wallpapers, but I got a cease and desist letter from the Photoshop people. Not because I was using Photoshop, but because I was using it so poorly.

"Crime against humanity" was the exact words they used.


Also, in case you didn't actually read the beginning of this whole post, the top donator of the month gets to choose their very own theme for an entire week's worth of posts.

Wait! There's more!

Actually... There isn't more.

I was lying about the more.

Still, it's a very big honor. There are only about seven people in the entire world that I actually listen to and five of those are the voices in my head.

Those guys are so crazy.

So, in order to help me decide just write either "Yay Jormy!" or "Ugh, not Jormy again".

You can cast your vote about theme week either in the comments section or as a note on your donation.

I would like to assure you that both will be given equal value in my decision.

I would like to tell you that, but that would be lying.

Yes, yes. I'm evil.

We already knew that.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

/em is sick.


Could someone please explain to me how in the hell I have the flu in the middle of June? It's not like I went outside in the cold.

It's not like I went outside.

If it weren't for the very short walk from my door to my car, I probably wouldn't even know there was a sky.

That's the big blue thing. With the big ball of fire.

I had to look it up on Wikipedia once.

Now, my first thought in this case is that it was my daughter's fault. Given the number of grubby, germ-ridden children she plays with at daycare, I'm surprised the girl hasn't developed small pox or something.

But no. I'm here, sick as a dog, and she's walking around, smiling and singing Winnie the Pooh songs.

I still think it's her fault, but I'm having trouble proving it.

It always surprises me how difficult it is to play FFXI when you're sick. You'd think that sitting in a chair playing a video game would be very easy on you.

Not so much.

Just ignore all the high concentration jobs. White Mage, Bard, Red Mage, anything that passes for a tank... All gone.

There's nothing worse than violently sneezing, then looking up to find your entire party violently dying.

So, it's melee jobs until I get better. Sub NIN and wait until I can throw a weaponskill.

And that's it.

That's one of the many reasons I love playing Dragoon. Hit attack, hit jump macro, go make a sandwich.

It's very relaxing.

And if I start sneezing... Well, nothing happens really. The worst that can happen is that I'm late on my next Jump macro.

Now, I'm free to sit back and wait to die.

According to the way I feel, that should be any minute now.

I know it was the rugrat. I just know it.

Damned children.

People say when you have kids, your life is over...

I didn't know they meant that literally.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fresh Meat

You know what's nice? Good press.

Since the announcement of the upcoming FFXIV (pronounced Ffffsiv, by the way), the gaming media has been abuzz with potential and excitement. The Internet is littered with article after article about how great it could be.

Not could... Will. How good it WILL be.

That's pretty nice. Lately, the only time we were in the news was when we made bosses that take 87 hours in a row to kill and cause players to spontaneously not be alive anymore.

Not exactly the best word of mouth.

Something about announcing a new game just forgives all your past sins.

Suddenly, the world of Final Fantasy Online is new again. Players past and present are coming together to celebrate all that is great about our online world.

It's a great time to be alive.

One of the other interesting side effects of this positive reaction is that a lot of people have decided to either start playing FFXI for the first time or start playing again.

The timing of our new character restoration feature was purely a coincidence.


Are we buying that? Really?

Okay then.

It's nice to see an influx of new players. I mean, we always get new players, but usually not in such a high number.

This got me thinking though... Do these new players really appreciate the game?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying they have to log in with this sense of awe and wonder.

Not that that wouldn't kill them.

I just wonder if some of them are playing the game as more of a novelty or a placeholder until FFXIV finally arrives.

Sure, it's a game, but it's a game that some people pour countless hours into just to get even a fraction better.

Right now, right this very second, there's some poor guy grinding his way through Dynamis or Salvage just hoping to get a piece of gear that'll boost his STR by one point.

Just one point.

And he will continue grinding until he succeeds. It might take him months or even years to finally get that piece, but he won't stop.

Because it's important to him.

I think that deserves some respect from the new players.

That guy is taking this shit seriously. He's busting his ass day in and day out just so he can kick some more ass the day after that.

I understand a lot of people are going to start playing because of their interest in FFXIV. And that's totally cool.

We love new players.

But if you're coming to play, then come to play. Give FFXI a real chance.

Sure, we may not be all new and shiny. We don't have all the Gigaquads and Ipods and stuff that the kids like, but we have substance.

Maybe you'll still leave when FFXIV drops. Maybe it'll be everything you've been waiting for.

Or maybe you'll love FFXI so much you'll never want to leave.


You could become part of a community that accepts you, embraces you.

You could find a home here.

And then, one day... if you work really, really hard... you might end up getting fed to a large, purple dragon by an alcoholic GM who has rage issues.

But hey, you can always play FFXIV, right?

Monday, June 08, 2009

Even If I Did Know...

I love the internet.

No matter what happens, no matter how small a piece of news, within minutes there are countless references to it online.


Hell, the big guys hadn't even finished their presentation before news coursed through the intarweb about Final Fantasy XIV. It was on Twitter, Facebook, and only about three thousand gaming sites in a matter of seconds.

And every variation of FFXIV.com was claimed seconds after that.

Actually... FFXIV.com was claimed in September of 2007. Either that guy plans WAY ahead or he has invented a time machine.

Frankly, if he's using a time machine to go back and register random game-related websites, he should probably work on his priorities.

Still, one can't help but admire the industrious, almost stalker-like ability of our beloved internet to collect information about any new game. You really can't help, but be impressed.

Now, you may be wondering why I'm mentioning this.

Well... There's two reasons:

a) the myriad of people making GM calls to ask questions about FFXIV

b) if I make another post about Project Natal, some people from the comment section are going to cut me

I'm not kidding around. Dozens upon dozens of players have been making GM calls to ask questions, and even MAKE SUGGESTIONS, about Final Fantasy XIV.

What is wrong with these people?

It's not that we don't appreciate community feedback. Indeed, players are encouraged to provide us with their thoughts and ideas.

We don't actually listen to any of them, but we appreciate them.

Sometimes we read them out loud using funny voices.

While we do appreciate them, though, do you really believe the GM call system is the most appropriate way to submit your feedback?

Perhaps you could use the feedback forms on the Playonline website.

Maybe you could write a letter.

Hey... Maybe you should use the GM call system that's intended for EMERGENCIES ONLY!

This isn't some freaking Mom and Pop bullshit MMORPG that we're running in a basement here. This is some serious business and we've got real shit to do.

There are people stuck behind tables as we speak.

I know that because I put them there.

I can't be answering asinine questions about whether or not male Mithras or female Galkas will be playable characters.

Yes, people have asked if they can play as some kind of female Galka.

No, I do not know why.

Apparently, they must enjoy portraying large, hairy women.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But don't be interupting me at work to ask me about that shit. That's between you and those websites you pray no one ever finds out about.

You sick bastard.

Even if, EVEN IF, you were to catch me at a time when I was feeling "chatty" (ie. NEVER), how in the sweet hell am I supposed to answer your questions?

Do you think they discuss all of their plans with me?

It's not like Yoichi Wada drops by once a week to run through his ideas with us.

It's more like once every two weeks.

We have bagels. It's nice.

I don't know anything about Final Fantasy XIV that you probably don't already know. I certainly don't know anything you couldn't find at any of the bajillion FFXIV sites that popped up out of nowhere.

It's very flattering that you consider us such experts on everything Final Fantasy-related.

Very, very flattering.

Also, annoying as F&%@.

This morning, I was at my desk filling out some paperwork.

You're probably expecting me to make some reference to Jack Daniel's here, but I was actually filling out paperwork. My boss told me if I didn't get it done by lunch, I'd be drinking whisky on the unemployment line.

Since that would be much less funny, I decided to do me some paperwork.

I could always drink after lunch.

Anyway, I was trying to find a coversheet for my TPS report when I heard that fateful sound.


I swear that that sound will follow me to my grave. I will be on my deathbed, my liver swollen and dead, and that sound will be the sound the Grim Reaper makes when he finally comes for me.

Hopefully, he will not ask stupid questions or get stuck behind a table.

GM Call Description: Need help! Emergency!

I hate that word.

I SO freaking hate that word.

Did you know that the word "emergency" was once used only rarely and even then only to describe an incredibly serious situation?

I'm not surprised if you didn't know it because people today use the word "emergency" to describe a lack of potato chips.

I love me some potato chips, too, but that still doesn't qualify as an emergency.

Right away, I knew there's a problem. People who are in an actual emergency don't use the word "emergency".

I immediately knew that I would end up feeding this guy to Jormy.

You'd think I was psychic.

Or that that's how 98% of my GM calls end.

Still, I didn't have anything else to write about today, so I figured I'd at least get some good material out of the guy.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you are in mortal danger.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> That's a fancy way of saying you're going to die.
Player>> No, that's not what I was calling for.
[GM]Dave>> That wasn't a question, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Trust me when I tell you that you are going to die.
Player>> Is this... Is this like a roleplaying thing?
[GM]Dave>> ... Sure.
[GM]Dave>> Why not?
Player>> Aren't you going to ask me why I made the GM call?
[GM]Dave>> I wait with bated breath.
Player>> I was just wondering how we transfer our characters.
[GM]Dave>> That's it?
[GM]Dave>> That's the emergency?
Player>> Well, it's very important.
[GM]Dave>> Then say it's important.
[GM]Dave>> Don't say it's an emergency.
Player>> Oh...
Player>> Should I go make another GM call?

He really said this.

[GM]Dave>> You know what...
[GM]Dave>> Sure. Go make another GM call.

One minute later...


Oh, this was going to be good.

GM Call Description: Need help! Important!

Well, he could follow directions. I'll give him that.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're in mortal danger.
Player>> You must really like roleplaying.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah... Roleplaying.
[GM]Dave>> Can we get on with this?
Player>> Yeah, I had a question about character transfer.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, in order to transfer servers, you have to...
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> Not transferring servers.

That's when I realized what he was asking.

That's also when I reaffirmed my hatred of all humanity.

[GM]Dave>> Say it.
[GM]Dave>> Just... Just say it.
Player>> How do I transfer my character...
[GM]Dave>> Here we go.
Player>> ... To FFXIV.
[GM]Dave>> And there we are.
[GM]Dave>> So, just to clarify...
[GM]Dave>> You're asking how to transfer your character.
Player>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> To a game that doesn't exist yet.
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> And why would you be wondering this?
Player>> I just want to be ready.
[GM]Dave>> Ready?
[GM]Dave>> READY?!
[GM]Dave>> The game doesn't come out for at least A YEAR!
[GM]Dave>> How ready do you need to be?!
Player>> I just want to know ahead of time.
Player>> Okay, okay.
Player>> Can you just tell me please?
[GM]Dave>> Fine. Whatever.
[GM]Dave>> Are you playing on PC or Xbox360?
Player>> PC.
[GM]Dave>> Perfect.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have a spare thumb drive available?
Player>> Hold on...
Player>> Okay, I've got one.
[GM]Dave>> Put it in and hit Ctrl K.
Player>> Okay...
Player>> Nothing happened.
[GM]Dave>> That's normal.
[GM]Dave>> We're making a back up of your character.
Player>> You can do that?
[GM]Dave>> If not, then I'm lying to you.
Player>> Oh, good.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Let's move on.
Player>> What's next?
[GM]Dave>> One last thing.
[GM]Dave>> We have to format your character.
Player>> That sounds really complicated.
Player>> Will it damage my character?
[GM]Dave>> ... Probably not.
Player>> Probably?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, we have to say that.
[GM]Dave>> It'll be fine.
Player>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> Won't hurt me a bit.
Player>> Maybe this was a bad...
[GM]Dave>> Too late now.


Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> Wait...
Player>> What's going on?
Player>> Why am I in jail?
[GM]Dave>> All perfectly normal.
[GM]Dave>> Dragon?
[GM]Dave>> OH MY GOD!
[GM]Dave>> Your thumb drive must be CORRUPTED!
[GM]Dave>> It's too late!
Player>> WE ARE?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, not me.
[GM]Dave>> Pretty much just you.

Jormungand hits Player for 13,067 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Good news.
[GM]Dave>> I'm fine.

Your tell could not be received. The player must have logged out to weep quietly for 12 months when they'll find out they've been pre-emptively banned from FFXIV, as well.

Sucks to be him.

I realize we are all very excited about a new online Final Fantasy game.

I'm practically atwitter.

That does not, however, mean that we're going to have long, friendly chats about it. As you may have noticed, I'm not the long, friendly chat type of guy.

Should you choose to test this, you may find out that you have become the banned type of guy.

And the digested type of guy.

Do you really want to be that kind of guy? Really?

I didn't think so.

Saturday, June 06, 2009



Seriously, people. We're not retarded.

We're really not.

If anyone, ANYONE, reading this works at Microsoft, I want you to call a staff meeting and tell everyone that we're not all a bunch of slack-jawed, mouth breathing f&%@tards.

I don't care if you work in the mail room. Get on it already.

Why does Microsoft have a mail department anyway? Have they not heard of e-mail?

You know what? Not my problem. Call the freaking staff meeting.

I am trying my best to give this whole project Natal thing a fair chance. I am trying my damnedest to not hate this thing from the outset and give it an actual chance at being good.

That's big for me. I hate everything from the outset.

I hate things that haven't even been invented yet.

But, because this thing COULD help the evolution of gaming as a whole, I'm trying to put my all consuming hatred to the side.

Then Microsoft comes out and tries to sell us a PILE OF ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT!

I mean WHAT THE F&%@?!

The tl;dr version is that Microsoft is claiming that the Wii was NOT the inspiration for their new sensor bar.


I realize they have to try and put a good face on this whole thing, but there's good PR and then there's just saying whatever retarded ass bullshit pops into your freaking skull.

Not inspired by the Wii?!

It's a sensor bar that lets the player control their character through movement.


You can try and spin this however you like, but at least give us the freaking credit to not be completely brain dead.

You're not fooling anyone. It's not like you just say that and we all go "Oh, really, Mr. Microsoft? Well, I guess we were wrong about it."

It's not even subtle.

Not at all.

You might as well try and get us to believe that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter wasn't inspired by BUTTER!

My favorite part of the whole thing:

“What Natal is, is a way of breaking down those barriers, making Xbox 360 accessible to everyone, and introducing the world to controller-free gaming,” Schappert added.

Man, if that guy gets paid by the buzzword, he's freaking rich. Throw in a few "dynamic"s and you're goddamned golden.

In case you don't speak Spin Doctor, allow me to translate:

Quote: What Natal is, is a way of breaking down those barriers

Translation: there are things standing between us and money. We intend to destroy those things.

Quote: making Xbox 360 accessible to everyone

Translation: the Wii has been raping us for years. Please buy your grandma an Xbox360.

Quote: and introducing the world to controller-free gaming

Translation: Yeah... Remember that other console with the sensor bar and the Wiimote? Well, we couldn't figure out the Wiimote thing.

Honestly, I find the whole thing very, very insulting. I realize most gaming companies see us as little more than walking piles of money, but they don't have to be mean about it.

Just say "Yeah, we totally copied the Wii."

We're cool with that.

We are totally fine with that.

Just don't stand there and pretend that you didn't, and then act like it is crazy for us to even suggest it.

The Wii is making a shit-ton of money.

I'm not sure if that's metric, but you get my point.

It is only natural for you to try and copy that. They happened on to a new aspect of gaming that many people thought was silly, but turned out to be incredibly popular.

There's no shame in copying their idea to try and expand your market.

Okay... There's a little shame in it.

Actually, there's a lot of shame in it, but that's beside the point.

Just stop treating us like a bunch of brain dead children who can't form rational thought. Stop throwing us this freaking bullshit about how original you are and tell us the truth.

Tell us you're trying to make a game system that people would like more.

Tell us you took the best ideas around to make one better console.

Tell us something more than how original and creative and just how plain awesome you are.

It's obvious you don't respect us. That much is pretty apparent.

But maybe you should worry about how much we respect you.


Also, if you could work motion control into Final Fantasy XIII, that'd be super. Thanks.

What? If I'm making demands that no one's ever going to listen to, I might as well ask.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Pre-Natal Exam

By now, I'm sure you're all aware of Microsoft's announced "revolutionary" sensor technology.

Yes, yes. I, too, am very excited to hear about it.


I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it. I'm sure it's going to be the greatest thing ever, ever, EVAH with no drawbacks whatsoever.

If you're an Xbox fanboy, feel free to stop reading right now.


Okay, they're gone.

I've got a lot of shit to cover.

First off, I don't know who Microsoft thinks they're bullshitting. This isn't 1980, people. We're kind of all connected on this World Wide Web thingy.

We all know this is a total rip off of the Wii.

You can dress it up and call it an improvement all you like, but we are all entirely aware that this is a complete and utter attempt to steal Nintendo's thunder.

It's not even subtle. It's not like we can kind of, sort of draw parallels between the two ideas.

It's a freaking sensor bar that registers your movement and translates it into on-screen actions.

Yes, yes. It's got a camera, Radar, Sonar, a flux capacitor, and a coffee machine.

It's a sensor bar.

The only thing it doesn't have is a Wiimote.

That, no doubt, will be the big announcement at next year's E3.

Here at Microsoft, we constantly strive to create new and original technologies that push the envelope and bring our games to a new level.

Thus, we present the Xbox360 X-mote. This, in combination with our Natal sensor bar will revolutionize the gaming experience.

Ummm... Isn't that just a Wiimote painted black?

Security... Shoot that man in the face.

Don't shoot me, bro.

It's a Wii sensor bar. On the Xbox 360.

That should just be their slogan. I'd at least respect the honesty and them not treating us like we're all retarded.

Second... Didn't they say all this motion stuff was a stupid gimmick?

I know they had to lob a few grenades in the whole console war, but Microsoft basically called the whole motion control thing useless and said that it would never last. They laid down a solid argument against the technology and explained why their console was better.

Then, every single person in the world bought a Wii.

Some people bought two.

And not because the first one "broke".

Suddenly, Microsoft is on the motion control bandwagon. Woo hoo, everyone start flailing madly.

I don't mind a company trying to make more money. That's their entire purpose for being. Motherf&%@ers are just tryin' to get paid.

I respect that.

But at least come out and say you were wrong. Just say "You know what? You guys were right. This motion control stuff is really cool. Our bad."

Don't suddenly change midstream and pretend that shit didn't happen. You're just insulting both of us.

Third... People, please calm the F&%@ down.

It's motion control. We've seen this before.

I know this is supposed to be the next level of motion control. You'll be able to use entire body movements to control your character.

Have you considered what a bad idea this is going to be?

Who the hell has enough living room space to actually act out anything remotely resembling game actions without breaking something?

Like a lamp.

Or an arm.

And what about other people in the room? The thing is supposed to map out the entire room to detect your motion. Theoretically, you may have other people in the room.

How will that affect gameplay?

You're just about to skill someone in Mortal Kombat. You've torn him to shreds and you're about to deliver the killing blow.

Then Scorpion's mom walks in behind you and asks if you mowed the lawn.


I'm just saying there's shit to work out here. While we were all impressed with the demo videos, there is a lot of things that could go wrong.

Man... There's just too much to talk about with this thing.

What are we on now? Four?


Fourth... Oh, this is probably going to be bad.

I don't want to sound like a negative person (HAHAHA!), but this industry's history is littered with the corpses of terrible motion control technology.

The Eye Toy.

Who doesn't enjoy washing virtual windows with really crappy controls?

Oh yeah... Everybody.

Hey, remember the Power Glove?

That's right. You had.

All of these motion controls were supposed to be the future of gaming.

Hell, they made an entire movie just so they could put the Power Glove in it.

And it was still crap.

I'm not saying this thing is guaranteed to fail. No, no, this thing has a definite chance to succeed.

But I think cautious optimism would be the way to go right now.

Yes, I know the Xbox community has had to take a lot of shit from the Nintendo crowd. Nintendo has basically owned the gaming industry sales charts for the past few years.

They have every reason to be excited.

I just think it might be a good idea to hold off on calling it the "Wii killer" just yet.

Just saying.

Fifth... And this is possibly the most important thing I have ever said EVER...



The Xbox crowd doesn't have the best track record when it comes to using new technology responsibly.

The idea that they can use any part of their body to control their character... Frightens me.

Please no sword fighting games.


All in all, I think this could be a great new technology that might change the Xbox360 experience.

Change it into a Wii.

This will either be a major success or an epic, epic fail.

If it's a major success, our entire gaming community will be elevated to a new level.

If it's an epic fail?

Well, I'll have something to make fun of.

Isn't that the most important thing of all?

Tuesday, June 02, 2009




For those of you who haven't been on any sort of video game news site today, SE has just announced their brand new MMORPG.

Remember that Rapture game they've been talking about for so long. That Rapture game that was going to be their big MMORPG departure from FFXI?

Yeah, it wasn't that.

No, their new MMORPG is called...


As in Final Fantasy MOTHERF&%@ING Fourteen!


We've already got one of the most popular (and definitely the best) MMORPG on the planet for PC and Xbox360.

Oh... And PS2.

I almost forgot.

Come next year, we'll also have an incredible new Final Fantasy MMORPG for the PS3 and possibly the PC.

Basically, this is all part of a master plan to have a Final Fantasy MMO running on every single device known to man. Give us a few years and you'll be playing FFXVII on your toaster.

And PS2.

If this isn't the absolutely biggest, most important news you've ever heard then THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

A whole new Final Fantasy MMORPG!

A whole new world to explore!

Thousands of new people to play with!

Thousands of new people for me to ban!

It's good news for everyone.

Well... Not the banned people.

But cares about them?

The only way this could get ANY better is if they somehow worked in the new PS3 motion control (*coughwiimotecough*) that Sony just announced.

Or an automated blowjob machine.

If we could get working on that, that'd be super.

Either one of them.