Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Haopy New Yeear!

I havee discioovered a new beeaverage. I call it Dieseewlll.



Thats'd nit.


Damnm thesde stuuipoid finghewrs.

Anyway, you jsut mixx NOS enregy drinlk anmsd osme Jack Danijelks.


HGappy new yeaar evrydsboidy.

Monday, December 29, 2008


So, Susan and I were walking through a mall yesterday.

Something about returning the pile of crap our relatives bought us and buying games with the money.

Damn, I love that woman.

As we were walking through the mall, I spotted one of those Stacker games where you stack colored blocks up to the top to win big prizes outside of an arcade.

One of the prizes was Wii Fit.

I, of course, assumed it was a watse of time and money, but my love of games overcame my sensibilities and I threw down a dollar.


Still, after playing it, I thought I should give it a second shot. Using my keen gamer reflexes and a new found understanding of the game mechanic, I was bound to win.

Dollar two.


At this point, I no longer care about the prize. Now, it's me versus the game.

I'll see you in hell, Stacker game.

Dollar three.


... Wait...

Did I say win?

I won?

Holy crap.


On a side note, if you saw a crazy guy jumping up and down near a stacker machine and high fiving everyone in sight, that was me.

I managed to regain my composure before I started jamming on random buttons.

I pressed the Select Prize button until the Wii Fit was lit up.

Since I was selecting my prize, it seemed like the logical thing to do.

I hit the big red button and MY Wii Fit starts to move.

And move.

And move.

Then it fell...

And got stuck.

No, I'm not joking.

My brand new, three dollar Wii Fit was jammed in between the front glass and the back wall.


[GM]Dave does not handle adversity well.

I was just getting ready to give the machine a gentle nudge (read: flying spin kick), when some arcade employee came out.

Employee>> Oh, that sucks.

Apparently, he graduated from Moron University with a double major in "extreme understatement" and "ways to severely piss me off".

[GM]Dave>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> Yes, it does.
[GM]Dave>> And what are we going to do about this?
Employee>> Gee...
Employee>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> Question...
[GM]Dave>> Would you describe your head as being hard?
Employee>> ... I guess so.
Employee>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> It would save me time going to get a rock.
Employee>> I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not surprised.
[GM]Dave>> Okay... Let's think about this.
[GM]Dave>> How do they get the games in there?
Employee>> Through the glass door.
[GM]Dave>> Good, good.
[GM]Dave>> We're getting somewhere.
Employee>> But I don't have the key.
[GM]Dave>> Why would you?
[GM]Dave>> That'd make you even remotely helpful.
[GM]Dave>> Where is the key?
Employee>> My boss has it.
[GM]Dave>> Let me guess...
[GM]Dave>> It's your boss's day off.
Employee>> Yeah, it is.
Employee>> How did you know that?
[GM]Dave>> Wild freakin' guess.
Employee>> I suppose we could call him.
[GM]Dave>> Let's do that.
[GM]Dave>> I have several things I'd like to say.

The boss informed me that he wouldn't be in until the next day.

I informed the boss that a belligerent drunk man would be standing in front of his arcade and screaming at customers.

The boss informed me that he was on his way.

I spent the next hour standing directly in front of the machine ready to defend my prize to the death.

Preferably not my death.

The boss finally arrived and retrieved my Wii Fit from its precarious position. He handed it to me and I cradled it lovingly in my arms.

As I turned to walk away, the boss said...

Boss>> You're WELCOME.

It's a good thing he's a fast runner. I'd hate to break my new balance board over his head.

Though, it might have been worth the three dollars...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Technical Difficulties

Sorry for the downtime. We've been experiencing some technical (read: [GM]Dave has not been drunk for several days) difficulties.

Yes, sir. Just your standard technical (read: [GM]Dave did not wake up in Guadalajara, Mexico) difficulties.

I think it had something to do with a server memory buffer overrun.

I have no idea what that means, but it sounds very, very bad.

You should totally believe that.

Without question.

Completely without question.

You weren't starting to ask a question were you? I mean, I'd hate to have to ban your account and then come to your house and kick you in the spleen just because you had a question.

Curiosity killed the spleen, you know.

I don't see why you wouldn't believe me.

Have I ever lied to you?


You could have just been polite and said no. I can't hear you anyway.

Even if it hadn't been for the catastrophic cascade failure of the servers dilithium crystals (totally happened), I might not have had time to update anyway.

I was too full of the Christmas spirit.


Christmas Spirit

-mix 1 litre of Jack Daniel's and 1 litre of Egg Nog
-wake up in Guadalajara, Mexico

What did you think I meant?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Uncommon Kindness

Yeah, it's early and many of you are probably still buzzing on a present unwrapping high, but I thought I'd put a post up.

Everyone should have received their holiday gift packs by now. I sent out a new copy this morning after it was pointed out that not all of the stories were compatible with most versions of Word.

I also forgot to send out the old Christmas pack as I had promised, so I attached that as well.

Consider it a gift from me.

I know you're probably not all Christian, but on a day that focuses on family, friends, and togetherness, I just wanted to take the time to wish everyone a happy holidays.

Whatever those holidays may be.

From my family to yours,

P.S. Don't get used to the niceness.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Commencing Radio Silence

I'm taking tonight to finish working on the Christmas fan pack. Everything is looking good and I should be sending it out tomorrow night.

I would also like to point out that the name "Christmas fan pack" is a title only. It can be appreciated by peoples of any religion.

[GM]Dave is accepting of differing faiths.

Unfortunately, "Non-religious, secular, holiday-related fan pack" does not have the same ring to it.

Everyone have a happy holidays whatever those holidays might be.

Remember that despite our different backgrounds, we all take this time of year to come together and worship me.

Caroling is optional.

Monday, December 22, 2008


We're going to play a new game, okay?

No. Not WoW.

Seriously. Put the discs away.

Our new game will be called "Everyone Stops Complaining Right Now."

The newest expansion can be called "Wrath of the Dave King".

Yes, I realize I'm not actually a king.

I would, however, be willing to fly to Europe and murder an actual king and then usurp his throne, if it will mean that people will stop being whiny little bitches.

[GM]Dave: Willing to commit regicide to stem the tide of retardedness.

How do you think that would look on a business card?

I need to go call a printer.

In one of the more recent game updates, we put in a new feature called treasure caskets.

Basically, when you kill a monster, there is a random chance that a large chest filled with free items will appear for the taking.

This is quite literally free stuff.

Great, right?

And yet people complained.

People complained about getting free stuff.

Could one of you please explain this to me?

Yeah, maybe if you had to undergo some epic quest and battle against hardship only to receive a terrible reward.

Totally complain.

But this is free stuff that just appears.

In front of you.

Right in front of you.

It's right there.


You were killing the monster anyway. That's the entire reason you were in the area in the first place.

You were killing monsters to gain exp. Then a chest full of free stuff appeared right in front of you.

Man, I'd be pissed, too.

How dare they expect you to actually open a chest and figure out who gets the item on your own?

That would require a minimal amount of effort.

Oh, shit. This one has a lock that requires the most basic understanding of numbers.

I am outraged.

You know what? If it's that big a deal, DON'T OPEN THE DAMNED THING.

Just pretend it's not there.

Remember last month? Remember when you used to kill things and chests full of free stuff did not appear?

Yeah, just pretend it's like that.

If someone in your group mentions the chest, you should burn them because they are a witch from the future.

Damned time-traveling witches.

I can't even comprehend the type of thought process that would be required to somehow turn this idea into a bad thing.



All you have to do is open the box and then someone takes the item.

How frigging hard is that?


How much easier would we have to make it, honestly?

Next time you log in, you find out you've attained level 75 and your inventory is now full of free stuff?

This isn't WoW.

I'm serious, people. The next person to file a GM report about this is getting fed to a dragon.

The next person.

My finger's already on the button.

Do you know what I'd like for Christmas? I'd like just one day where everyone woke up and stopped acting retarded.

Just one day.

Can we get on that?

I've been good.

... Relatively.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Wow... Just... Wow...

So that time of year has rolled around again. That joyous time when everyone on Earth gathers together in the spirit of togetherness and brotherhood.

It's Return Home to Vana'diel time again.

What? What did you think I was talking about?

See, every now and again, we like to run this special event where we encourage former players to come on back to our lovely little world.

You know... Just for a visit.

This would basically equate to a crack dealer asking where you've been and if you want to hang out.

And maybe smoke some crack.

It's designed to reach out to people that left the game for various reasons and show them that we've made several major improvements since they left.

Over my many years of playing this game, I've noticed a distinct pattern that is only apparent to people with keen observational skills or even rudimentary intelligence.

People leave the game. We can't help that.

Actually, we're trying to help that. We've got some guys in Research and Development working on that right now.

Basically, if you stop playing, you'll just die.


Really, really painfully.

It's a work in progress.

Most players that leave, though, end up coming back eventually. They start to miss the game or they're just curious about things they've heard.

They come running back into our open arms and everything is better again.

Everyone knows this trend. Anyone who has played for any length of time has seen this play out over and over again.

If you read any FFXI forum, you're bound to find the "I'm leaving and never coming back" threads.

You'll also find the unspoken understanding that they'll be back.

Actually, most times, they just say it.

And then ask if they can have all of your stuff.

Unfortunately, some people turn out to be stubborn and decide not to come back freely and of their own will.

What? We're not good enough for you?

No, no. We can't be having that.

Once you're in, you're in for life.

Deal with it.

The Return Home to Vana'diel campaign is our gentle way of saying "quit being a little bitch and log in already".

I'm working on a greeting card.

This campaign has always been a very normal, very regular event.

Until today.

Due to certain office political situations (read: my supervisor hates me), I was made part of the team in charge of the campaign applications.

His exact words were "How much trouble could you get into?"

People make me giggle sometimes.

I was going through a stack of applications and noticed something funny.

Under reasons for leaving, he had put "was eaten by a dragon."


Apparently, someone I had once banned thought it would be a great idea to come back to the game.

Some people never learn.

Still, I believe very strongly in education. Thus, it was my duty to make sure that this individual learned from their mistakes.

I took absolutely no pleasure in it at all.

Absolutely none.

Mostly none.

Relatively none.


Here was my basic plan.

Step 1) Create new GM account in fake name

Step 2) Contact applicant

Step 3) Hilarity ensues

I still have the napkin I wrote it on.

The set up was the hardest part. You'd be honestly surprised how hard it is to sound like you actually care for players.

Drinking helps.

Once we got through the standard application procedures, I reactivated his account and let him log in.

He was so happy.

I took him on a nice tour of Vana'diel, showing him some of our newest features. We checked out all of the areas that have been added since he left and I even showed him some of the out of the way locations.

Then, to top off the whole return, I presented him with a brand new Anniversary Ring.

All I had to do was wait...

Wait for it...

Player>> Hmm...
Player>> What should I do first?


[GM]NotDave>> Can I make a suggestion?
Player>> Sure.


Player>> Oh god...
Player>> OH GAWD NO!

Jormungand hits Player for 15,988 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]NotDave>> Welcome back.

I decided to let him keep his account for now. I figured he's at least earned a small reprieve.

I did, however, warn him that I will appear at a random time in the future to destroy everything he has created.

You might see him in Whitegate. He's the one who justs stands still and cries to himself.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Christmas Fan Pack

Some people have been e-mailing me with questions, so I figured it would be easier to just answer them all here and save us all some time.

The Christmas fan pack is going ahead. So many people commented about the idea that I'd have to be a huge jerk not to.

I am a huge jerk, but I'm going to write it anyway.

It'll run just like the usual fan pack, but will have a distinctive Christmas theme. Anyone who donates the usual $5 or more will get one. Also, for those of you who are newer to the blog, I may include the last Christmas fan pack I did.

All donations will be used to keep me from going further into debt because I've purchased enough toys for my daughter to start my own store.

Most people ask when it'll be sent out. Right now, I'm thinking of sending it out late on Christmas Eve so you can enjoy it before going to bed or some time the next day.

Kind of my gift to you.

You'll need me after you open the socks and underwear you didn't even want.

If you have any other questions, post them in the comments section and I'll answer them as best I can.

Or make something up.

That also works.

Why Me?

So, since my Japanese studies have continued fairly well, a few days ago, I decided to go down to the local library and see what books they had available.

Hint: not much.

Now, you might ask yourself why I would go to a public place like this when I could just order books online.

Reason 1) buying things requires money

I don't know if you have kids, but apparently, this whole Christmas thing is kind of a big deal to them.

They actually expect presents.

Unfortunately, this means I am far to poor to waste money on luxeries like new books.

Or food or clothing.

Since libraries let you take books for free, it seemed like a smart idea.

Reason 2) People aren't allowed to talk

It's a whole building designed on the basic principle that you have to shut the hell up.

I love that.

So, I ask the librarian if they can get me any books on Japanese.

She, in turn, looks at me like I asked her if I could remove her appendix with a rusty spoon.

As if I would have asked.

She searches her system and finds a library with a series of books called, I'm not joking, "Japanese Book."

That is their actual title in the system.

The librarian decided to call the other library to discuss an interlibrary loan. After several minutes of one old lady trying to explain the problem to another old lady, I thought I would intervene.

I asked her for the phone and asked the other librarian what the books were about.

OtherLibrarian>> They're Japanese books.

Since I had already figured that part out from the title, I asked what they were actually about.

OtherLibrarian>> I have no idea.
OtherLibrarian>> They're in Japanese.

Where's a rusty spoon when you need one?

This lady had a set of random books in Japanese and had no clue what they were about.

Out of curiosity, I asked her to send me a random sample. This is really a fool's errand as I only know a pathetically small amount of kanji, but I figured I could translate the kana sections.

Today, I received one and I was having trouble translating the title.



Sekando. First word was Sekando.

Obviously, a very complicated Japanese word. I immediately, typed it into Google and searched a Japanese-English dictionary.


It means second.

How anti-climactic.

The next word was giving me some trouble. It began with a symbol that didn't actually fit into the katakana alphabet anywhere.

I asked some linkshell friends if they had any idea and someone mentioned it was used as a V sound since there was no letter for V in Japanese.

Makes sense.

So the next word is...





Sekando V

Second Virgin.

I opened the book and started flipping through the pages. Each chapter began with a picture.

An artsy picture of a naked woman.

Apparently, the other librarian picked a random Japanese book to send me and somehow managed to choose the Japanese equivalent of the Vagina Monologues.

How does shit like this keep happening? I'm not even making this up.

I really wish I was.

Instead, I'm stuck here with the only book ever written in Japan that included naked women, but was still uninteresting.

And didn't involve tentacles.

Why me?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Work With Me, People.

I just... I just don't know what to do.

Every other day, I hear people saying shit about video games. Blaming games for everything that's wrong with the world.

And I, as a gamer, go to the mat defending my games and my community. I explain that gamers are normal, sensible people and that these stories are all ridiculous.

You're sensible, aren't you?

Of course you are.

You're good people.

I'm sensible, too.

I haven't killed anyone.

Well... Anyone lately.

So, usually, it's not that hard to defend my gaming brethren. I simply have to hold up the image of the mature, responsible gamer and all of their silly arguments fall away.

And then some moron goes and kills his parents over Halo 3.

I realize that sounds like a punchline, but it's a true story.

A 17 year old kid shot his parents, killing his mother, because they took away his Halo 3 game.

What the hell is the matter with people?

Here we are, trying to fight the good fight and morons like this are pushing back against us.

Apparently, he thought the best reaction to having a video game taken away was to shoot both of his parents in the head.

Yeah... That'll really help teach parents that video games don't cause violence.

I guess this kid's teachers forgot to teach him the meaning of "irony".

And what did the parents do with the game? What did they do with the game that they were concerned would cause their son to become violent?

That's right. They put it in a box next to a gun.

If violence was a concern, maybe it would have been a more prudent plan to GET RID OF THE GUN.

Or shoot the kid first.


No, instead, they took the game that anyone would know the kid was going to look for and put it next to a deadly weapon.

And now, the media has a new poster child for video game violence and the rest of us have to sit back and weep for humanity.

What a waste.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Christmas Got Nerfed

What the hell happened to kid's toys?

I'm not even kidding. What the hell?

Somehow, Susan managed to get me to go shopping with her to buy something for our offspring.

I'm not really sure how she did that.

Drinking may have been involved.

Side note: Toys R Us is way funnier when you're drunk.

Anyway, we're walking through the aisles looking at toys and I noticed something.

Everything has been nerfed.

No, I don't mean nerfed as in what we did to Black Mages.

I mean literally composed of nerf.

When did this happen? Why didn't I get a memo?

How are we supposed too figure out who the stupid children are?

Toys are supposed to be dangerous. Toys are supposed to leave disfiguring scars.

That's how we label the retarded kids.

All you have to do is look around for the guy with lawn dart-related wounds.

Then, you just avoid that guy.

That's biology, people.

We don't let people get eaten by jaguars anymore. Toys were the last thing we had.

When I was a kid, everything was dangerous.


Tonka trucks... Do you even remember Tonka trucks?

Apparently, Tonka roughly translates to "you're gonna need a freakin' tetanus shot after this".

Those friggin' trucks were jagged, rusty metal covered in yellow, lead-based paint.

And they were awesome.

If some kid in your class was missing a finger, you could be damned sure it was because of a Tonka truck.

And GI Joe. GI Joe taught a generation of children that the fastest way to solve any problem was an orchestrated military response.

Also, that the army makes a regular habit of employing Ninjas.

That's a life lesson right there.

And everything came with little parts that just begged to be swallowed.

Some GI Joe figures came with nothing but a crate of random, tiny plastic firearms.

Two days later, you'd have three left.

Along with an intestinal blockage.

An awesome one.

Even the doctor would tell you how cool it was that your intestine was now fortified with a battery of M-16s.

Do you see shit like that today?

Of course not.

No, today every toy is made of nerf foam.

Or nerf polystyrene.

Or nerf sterile kittens.

Where's the fun in that?

Oh look! It's everyone's favorite toy!

A ball!

A nerf ball!

This isn't the world I want to raise my daughter in.

I want a world of dangerous, insane toys.

I want a world of thinking and choices rather than limitations.

I want a world of fun for her.

If some kid has to lose an eye to a suction cup arrow for that to happen, then so be it.

The world would still be better for it.

Well... Not for that kid...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Are You F&%@ing Kidding Me?

Listen... I'm not the biggest fan of WoW.

I may or may not have mentioned that.

Despite that, I'm going to have to come to the defense of my brothers at Blizzard.

Don't get used to it.

WoW gets shit on a lot. Being one of the most popular MMORPGs in the world tends to make you a pretty big target.

But blaming WoW for people failing and dropping out of college? That's just plain retarded.

The number of problems with both this article and idea are so numerous, I don't think I could explain them all.

It'll be fun to try though.

1) College Students =/= Angels

What exactly did college students do before the evil video games were invented?

They must have spent all of their time studying, right?

I don't think so.

According to some very scientific documentaries, usually titled "[Insert Noun]s Gone Wild", it seems that many college students like to drink.

A lot.

Where's the freaking article about that shit, huh?

Do you mean to tell me that the number of students playing WoW is so much greater than the number of students with severe drinking problems that THIS is the problem we need to focus on?


I realize them bad vidjeo games have become the whipping boy of today's society, but give me a break.

And drugs... Did we get rid of all the drugs while I wasn't paying attention?

How in the hell did video games become the biggest problem facing college students today?

I guess the message we're trying to teach young people is that it's okay to get addicted to drugs, become an alcoholic, and get yourself a couple of STDs.

Just as long as you don't have a level 80 Tauren Hunter.

Syphilis? Fine.

Blood Elf Shaman? Not fine.

I really shouldn't have to explain how stupid this is.

2) College Students =/= Children

You should totally watch your ten year old son play video games to make sure he's not playing too much.

That's just good parenting.

You should not HAVE to watch your twenty-three year old son play video games to make sure he's not playing too much.

That's just... Well, that's just retarded.

These are freaking adults we're talking about here. If they can't manage to control themselves from playing video games, then they probably shouldn't have a college degree in the first place.

Would you even want an engineer building your building if he's going to spend all of the design time leveling his Paladin?

Just save yourself some time and put all of the building materials in a big pile.

If an adult can't control themself, then they have no business calling themselves an adult.

3) College Students =/= Blind

The premise of this entire idea rests on one very large assumption: that the system itself is not the problem.

Gee, if you thought about it for a second, you might think that college students are starting to figure out that things are pretty f&%@ed up right now.

They might be realizing that the degree they're working on may not be the great future they always thought it was going to be.

They might be understanding that the world is moving on while the university system is stagnating instead of evolving.

No, no. You're totally right.

It must be the video games.

You know what? It's not even worth going into the rest.

I think I've made my point.

Honestly, do you know my biggest problem with the article?

Where the hell is FFXI? Why didn't we get a mention?

We can destroy lives, too, you know. We're trying.

Did you see we have colored chocobos now?

You should totally skip your economics class.

I mean, this whole thing is basically a huge commercial for WoW.

You looking for a good game? This game is so good it ruins lives!

Hell yeah.

We need to get up on that.


Yeah, yeah. People are failing out of school and their lives are spiralling down into nothingness.

Think how easy it would be to keep up with a Dynamis schedule.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

I Hate Updates

So, that time has rolled around once again.

Update time.

This is a magical time in Vana'diel when the devs get together and discuss what changes would be most important to improve the game for everyone.

This is a good thing.

They take time to carefully consider and decide what adjustments could be made to improve the game as a whole.

That's why it's called an update.

Up suggests progress.

It's not called a sidedate.

Or a lateraldate.

I don't know. I really didn't think that part through before I started writing.

Those sounded a lot funnier in my head.

Then again, most things do.


Here's the funny thing about updates: no matter what the devs do, people still don't like the updates.

Isn't that strange? Someone who has an intimate knowledge of the finer mechanics of the game is working incredibly hard to make the game better for everyone and yet, people don't appreciate it.

It's not like they all got drunk and threw darts at a board or something.

Dev1>> Oh shit, yo...

I should point out that I'm translating this perfectly from the Japanese.

Dev1>> You all hit the "give Scholar some stuff".
Dev2>> That be like the third time, yo.
Dev2>> Fo' real.
Dev1>> Awwwww SNAP!
Dev1>> I just nailed the "adjust various NMS".
Dev2>> Oh, man.
Dev2>> They be hatin' that shit.

Seriously. Perfect Japanese translation going on here.

They'd probably also throw up various gang signs and then pour a 40 oz of Sake on the curb.

No, the devs are actually pretty nice guys. They're trying really hard to make you guys happy.

Do you know why people don't like the updates?

Oh, go on. Try and guess.


If you guessed because the devs don't understand the FFXI community, you are incorrect.

Thanks for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you.

Note: There are no lovely parting gifts. Or parting gifts in general.

They understand the FFXI community very well. Probably better than anyone else on the planet.

This is quite literally their life's work.

They take this shit very seriously.

No, the real reason people hate the updates is because they didn't get what THEY want.

See, updates have to be performed in small increments in order to maintain proper game balance. Every change, no matter how small, could have huge repercussions.

Remember the two hand update when some guy put the wrong decimal in an equation?

We make small changes over time so that we can understand the effect each will have on the game as a whole.

This, unfortunately, means that each update only includes small changes for a small number of jobs.

Thus, the majority of the population do not get anything for their specific job.

Oh, oh. It doesn't matter that you got a huge buff in the last round of updates.

That was last week.

Or something.

Everybody thinks update is freakin' Christmas time.

... Okay, so technically THIS update is very close chronilogically to Christmas.

That still doesn't mean we're going to craft the update specifically for you.

Oh, you lost your main source of income because of a game adjustment.

Or you didn't get any shiny new toys or awesome new abilities.

I understand that that sucks.

I totally get that.

Not our problem.

We're doing our best to make the game better for everyone. That means the whole group.

You didn't get your's today. Maybe you'll get it next time.

Or not.

But maybe it's for a greater good.

There's an old saying: "You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all of the time."

We're trying to please all of the people by pleasing some of the people with each update.

Don't worry. You'll be part of the some people some time.

Just trust that it's all for a bigger picture and not some conspiracy to benefit specific jobs.

Trust me.

On an unrelated note, tomorrow's post will be titled "[GM]Dave Started Leveling Scholar Last Week."

Sunday, December 07, 2008

[GM]Dave, M.D.

A lot of people seem to be talking about the show Heroes.

Let's get something straight from the start: I love Heroes.

I don't watch a lot of TV. Between my well cultivated video game obsession and the fact that TV is basically 95% retarded, I rarely take the time to sit down in front of thing.

Heroes is one of the very few exceptions to that rule.

Unfortunately, there is something very wrong with Heroes.

This is extremely serious as no one seems to be able to figure out exactly what's wrong with the show. Also, should this problem continue, the show will probably be cancelled.

This is bad.

Thus, I have no choice, but to explain what the problem is.

To do this, I will be using another of my favorite TV shows... House.

Differential diagnosis, bitches.

DrHouse>> Patient is experiencing ratings trauma.
DrHouse>> He's losing watchers every minute.

DrHouse>> Ideas?

Cameron>> Uhh... Genetic issues?

DrHouse>> No.

DrHouse>> Show had great genetics.
DrHouse>> First season was perfectly healthy.

Foreman>> From these charts, it appears to be systemic.

Foreman>> There are problems in every area.

DrHouse>> But there has to be an underlying condition.

Chase>> Amyloidosis?

DrHouse>> Why does someone always suggest amyloidosis?

Chase>> I don't know.

DrHouse>> Moving on.

At this point, the "patient" has a seizure.

In case you don't watch House, the patient always has a seizure.

Or rectal bleeding.


Let's go with a seizure.

DrHouse>> What was he doing when the seizure occurred?
Cameron>> He was... Oh my god...

Cameron>> Time travel.

Cameron>> He was time traveling.

Chase>> That's gotta be it then.

Chase>> Time traveling would decrease viewer satisfaction.

Foreman>> It would also explain the systemic failures.

Cameron>> That has to be it.

People familiar with House know this exact moment of the show. The team has figured out a concrete, definitive, definite cause to the problem.

Everything is perfect.

Then you look at the clock and realize the show still has 34 minutes left.

They're not right.

Cameron>> That wasn't it.
Cameron>> We took him off time traveling...

Foreman>> But he only got worse.

Chase>> I don't understand.

Chase>> Why
do we always suggest amyloidosis?

This is when House stares off into space while popping pain meds or bouncing a ball.

Several close up face shots later, he finally understands.

DrHouse>> What if time traveling isn't the cause?
Chase>> It has to be the cause.

Cameron>> The show seized during a time traveling episode.

Cameron>> It has to be.

DrHouse>> You're both retarded.

DrHouse>> What if...

DrHouse>> What if time traveling isn't the cause...

DrHouse>> What if it's a symptom?

Foreman>> What do you mean?

DrHouse>> There was time travel during the first season.

DrHouse>> Problems didn't occur until later.

DrHouse>> Maybe the real cause is leading to the time travel.

Cameron>> What could cause time travel?

DrHouse>> Maybe the patient is trying to repair the damage.

DrHouse>> He thinks time travel is the answer.

DrHouse>> But that's just making it worse.

Foreman>> So, we're looking for
something else.
Foreman>> Something that changed...

Cameron>> But what changed between season 1 and 2?

House looks at the white board.

Suddenly, it hits him!

Not the white board. The answer.

Stop being so literal.

DrHouse>> SYLAR!
DrHouse>> Check his Sylar levels.

Cameron>> But Sylar was in season two...

Cameron>> Oh my God...

Chase>> What is it?

Cameron>> Character development.

Dun dun daaaaaaaaaaa!

Everyone thinks the problem with Heroes is the time traveling.

That's bullshit.

Sure, the time traveling gets annoying. All the jumping back and forth requires a lot of concentration.

The last thing I want to be doing while I'm watching TV is thinking.

But time traveling by itself isn't the major problem. I could live with it.

The problem goes much deeper than that.

It's also a disease that has affected countless franchises before Heroes.

See, an idea starts out pure. Someone somewhere has this great idea for a story that makes complete sense and is incredibly original.

It's successful, but for reasons no one expected.

The makers then try to capitialize on that by changing their original idea.

Boom. Headshot.

Story dies.

The entire point of Sylar was that he was a monster. He was evil. He was darkness.

There wasn't any reason for it.

He didn't need a reason.

He just chopped people's heads off.

And we LOVED it.

Ask anyone that watches Heroes and they will tell you Sylar is awesome. Sylar is the entire reason many people started watching the show.

Unfortunately, Sylar isn't the hero.

When the show became incredibly successful and the studio figured out it had a lot to do with Sylar, they decided Sylar should become a star.

They made him into a person.

He whines and cries.

He has mommy issues.

They tried to turn him into one of the good guys, for God's sake.

And that's what is killing the show. We're tuning in to see the heroes fight an inhuman monster and we're getting little Billy Sylar throwing a hissy fit.

That's not what we paid to see.

Think about some of the great fiction characters of our time.

Darth Vader.

Remember how awesome he was in the original trilogy? Even though he was the bad guy, he was still a huge bad ass.

Arguably, the best movie in the series is Empire. Darth Vader wins, freezes Han Solo in carbonite, and chops off his kid's hand in the process.

And that's for being a whiny little bitch.


Then, the new trilogy came out and we found out he's just a misunderstood kid who misses his mommy.

Again with the mommy issues.

Do you think we freaking care if Vader's mother died?

We don't even care that he had a mother.

We wanted a big motherf&%@er that cut off hands and bitch slapped people.

Instead, we get two (TWO!) movies listening to Dawson Leery cry because he had bad dreams about Joey dying.

While we're on the subject of Star Wars, let's talk about Han Solo.

Han Solo was intended to be a scoundrel. He was meant to be a bad ass who doesn't care what anyone thinks.

We loved that shit.

Then, they re-edited the movies.

They even changed the cantina scene so Han shoots Greedo in self-defense.

And then, the internet went batshit crazy.

Han was supposed to be a ruthless bastard that killed Greedo for just being annoying.

That's what we wanted.

But then someone who thought they know us better than we do decided Han should be a nice guy.

Big mistake.

We don't like these guys because they're likeable.

We like them because they're evil.

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that if you're reading this, you're probably a Final Fantasy fan.

I know... Big stretch.

Can you imagine if they remade FFVII and we found out Sephiroth was just misunderstood and that he needed a hug?

Yeah. Think about that.

The problem with Heroes is that they messed with what worked.

Sylar worked.

Sylar was evil and horrible and terrible...

And we loved it.

If they want to fix the damned show, just go back and make Sylar the big, bad, unstoppable evil he was in the beginning.

Problem solved.

Also, Hayden Panettierre going topless couldn't hurt.

I'm just saying.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Insert Funny Title Here

Okay, part 3 of the fan pack has been sent out.

Man, this is like a marathon.

If I didn't love making these packs, I'd probably be really annoyed.

A lot of people have been asking if there's going to be a Christmas fan pack. It wouldn't be the four week mark, but since I've been late the past few times, I suppose it wouldn't kill me to be early.

Just this once.

So, if anyone has ideas of what kind of Christmas stories they'd like to read, feel free to leave them in the comments. I've already got several ideas, but I could always use more.

Yours would probably be funnier.

Fan Pack 2 Go!

Item for next week: come up with funnier titles.

Fan pack 2 has been sent out.

Actually... I sent it out several hours ago, but completely forgot to put a post up.

In my defense, I fell into a coma a short time later.


I got better.

I was actually pretty pleased with the stories in this one. That Goblin crew is giving me a run for my money.

Hope you like it.

Thursday, December 04, 2008


Okay, part 1 of the fan pack is sent out.

I'm going to go lie down now.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Theme Week - [GM]Susan Vol. 7

Absolute Power...

I figured since this was [GM]Susan week, there was really only way to go for the final day.

So, we're walking into my office...

I wasn't sure how much trouble I might get into for letting her have access to my account, but one of the great things about me is that I very rarely consider the consequences of my actions.

Consequences tend to get in the way.

Sure, we could have done this from home, but where would the fun have been in that?

Instead, I wanted her to get the full experience, being on the floor as a group of game masters made decisions and destroyed accounts. The smell of excitement and anticipation in the air.

Also cheetos.

I tell you, those guys love some cheetos.

We made it to the GM floor pretty easily, but as I opened the door, I felt Susan's hand clench in mine.

Susan>> Are you sure we should be doing this?
Dave>> Sure I am.

Susan>> But what if you get in trouble?

Susan>> What if you get fired?

Dave>> Honey... Yesterday, I peed in the break room.

Dave>> I really don't think this will be what sets them off.

Susan>> I just don't want...

Susan>> Wait...

Susan>> You peed in the break room?

Dave>> Why does everyone make such a big deal out of that?

Dave>> It's like I told them... I thought it was the copy room.

Susan>> ...

Susan>> Are you supposed to pee in the copy room?

Dave>> No...

Dave>> It's the copy room.

Dave>> What the hell is wrong with you?

Susan>> But... Why... How...

Dave>> This'll be a lot easier if you stop asking questions.

Susan>> The last time you said that, we had a baby.

My wife, the comedian.

I dragged her through the door reminding her of our carefully rehearsed story about me "showing her around".

Yeah, it wasn't a very complex plan.

Or a good one.

Admittedly, it would probably have been more believable if she hadn't said it to everyone.

Whether they asked or not.

Guy>> Oh, hey. My name's...
Susan>> He's just "showing me around."

The air quotes probably didn't help things.

Luckily, most people in the office have learned it's better not to think too hard about anything I do.

There have been memos.

We got to my desk and Susan sat down. I was sure that sitting at my work desk and seeing what I do for a living would show her how I've matured.

If not, I was sure she'd be impressed that I had used a great deal of my desk to recreate the battle of Helm's Deep with actions figures.

Susan>> This is...
Susan>> ... Impressive.


I logged her into my account and did a quick run through of the GM call system. I showed her the ban account button, the erase call queue button, the...

... Other buttons.

Then, I let her loose on the peoples of Vana'diel.

At first, she wasn't sure what to do. She seemed so nervous and, just for a minute, I thought she was just going to walk away.

Then, she answered her first call and went to work.

I had a feeling that she'd get the hang of it.

Two hours later...

By this time, there was a crowd of GMs around my desk. What had been a covert operation was now a gathering.


You'd think my kind, gentle little wife would be self-conscious in this situation.

I would have thought that, too.

Susan>> DRAGONS!!!

The yelling was uncalled for.

And I still don't know where the papercraft helmet came from.

She'd started out with an item scam and then a couple of griefers.

The usual.

By the end, she was randomly selecting players and feeding them to the nearest dragon.

I thought that part was a little unprofessional.

I mean, c'mon... Players deserve respect.


Yeah, that sounded weird to me, too.

Finally, the end of my shift came and I managed to pry her away from my keyboard before she banned an entire linkshell for having a name with too many vowels.

She thanked everyone and, somewhat grudgingly, walked away.

Just as we were about to leave, we ran into my supervisor.


Supervisor>> Dave...
Supervisor>> What are you doing here?

Dave>> I was just... Showing my wife around the office.

Susan>> Hi.

Supervisor>> Oh...

Supervisor>> ...

Supervisor>> Did you...

Dave>> No, sir.

Dave>> Not in the break room or copy room.

Supervisor>> Excellent.

Supervisor>> Keep up the good work.

As we were leaving, I looked at Susan, this woman that I'd known for years. Suddenly, I started wondering which bothered me more:

How quickly she had changed into a cruel, heartless person.

Or how much it turned me on.


I have issues.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Theme Week - [GM]Susan Vol. 6

Multiple Personality Disorder

It's funny... When you're out trying to find a suitable mate, you'd think people would tend to be attracted to someone with a similar personality.

That would make sense. Theoretically, if you have any intention of having an actual relationship with someone, you'd want that person to share similar opinions on important topics.

Nobody wants to be married for fifty years and then find out the bitch likes pineapple on her pizza.

F&%@ that.

So, the smart thing is to find someone exactly like you.

Does anyone actually do this? Of course not.

If people did the smart thing all the time, this blog wouldn't even exist.

Can you imagine?

Day 376

Player made a GM call for a valid reason.

I responded politely and helped him solve his problem.

No, people will more often than not (read: always) do the dumbest thing possible. When we're looking for someone, we will always tend to end up with someone who is basically our complete opposite.

How does that make any sense?

I love me. I honestly love me.

Who the hell wouldn't, right?


You're awful damned quiet there, you know.

It only makes sense that I would be attracted to someone like me. If I love me, I should fall in love with someone like me.

Not necessarily with the same plumbing though.

That's kind of a separate choice.

An optional package, if you will.

See what I did there?

Unfortunately, it seems my years of working with the functionally retarded caught up with me and I came down with the stupids.

I decided that the person who was best suited for me was a woman who wasn't even remotely suited for me.

Think that one through for a minute.

Okay, I will grant you, much of the decision making process did not involve critical thinking.

Except that critical thinking that occurs within one's pants.

But still, I somehow managed to fall in love with someone who is my exact opposite.

She's a good person.

I'm a bad person.

She likes to read.

I know how to read.

She likes spending time with people.

I hate people.

She enjoys crafts.

I hate people.

I know I said that twice, but I REALLY hate people.

This is the thing I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever for me to be attracted to someone so radically different from me. It creates so many problems and arguments because we have such drastically different perspectives on any given situation.

It REALLY doesn't make any sense because she's perfect for me.

As much it might seem strange, I couldn't think, I couldn't conceive of someone more perfect for me than Susan.

Well... Maybe Jessica Alba.

Sorry. Pants thinking again.

It just doesn't make any sense. You don't see shit like this in the animal kingdom.

You don't see herbivores hanging out with carnivores.

Okay... They hang out briefly, but I'm talking about a relationship in which you don't end up digesting the other person.

Call me a romantic.

If I were to look at it from a purely intellectual standpoint, Susan would be so wrong for me.

So how in the hell is it that she's so right for me?




I'm serious here. I'm not even trying to be funny.

If any of you can explain this shit to me go right ahead.



Seriously... Just post it in the comments section or something.

Or... If any of you happen to know Jessica Alba...

Monday, December 01, 2008

Theme Week - [GM]Susan Vol. 5

Hey, guys. Dave told me that everyone wanted me to write a post so here I am.

I wanted to just mention how much I really appreciate the donations you guys make. The e-mail Dave posted the other night sounded a little harsh, but the harshness was directed at him to get him working.

Every donation we receive is amazing and I know how much it means to me.

Thank you.

I'm not sure how he does this all the time. Just thinking about hundreds (or dozens) of people reading what I write seems really intimidating.

I think the drinking helps him.

Me... I'm a bit of a light weight. I don't drink very much and, when I do, it's usually a girly drink like a Tom Collins or something.

On the other hand, I've never woken up behind our couch, so I guess there's something to be said for girly drinks.

I actually remember the first time we went out drinking together. It was a wedding and we were there with a bunch of friends. A lot of the couples were out dancing.

Here's some important information about Dave. He doesn't dance.

At all.


He always says it has something to do with people being retarded enough without setting it to music.

I decided the only way I was going to get him out on the dance floor was if I got him drunk. Very, very drunk.

At the time, I had no idea how hard that would be.

I told him I'd get the first few drinks and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted a Jack Daniel's.

I remember thinking that was odd.

It's funny how you look back on things and realize how naive you were.

And retarded.

I ordered his Jack Daniel's and had the bartender mix me a Tom Collins with no alcohol. Basically lemonade and 7 Up.

A couple of rounds like this and he'd be putty in my hands. I'd have him dancing up a storm.

Not so much.

After seven rounds, I was getting pretty damned sick of lemonade and 7 Up, and Dave looked like he was just getting started.

By this time, a few of the other couples had drifted off and I realized if we didn't start dancing soon, we wouldn't get the chance.

It was time to be direct.

Susan>> I want to dance.
Dave>> That's great.
Dave>> Have fun.
Susan>> Let me be more clear...
Susan>> I want to dance with you.
Susan>> Now.
Dave>> I agree.
Dave>> That was very clear.
Susan>> So you'll dance with me?
Dave>> Not a friggin' chance.
Susan>> C'mon. It's a wedding.
Susan>> Everyone is dancing.
Dave>> Hey, you're right!
Dave>> That's a perfectly logical reason to do something!
Susan>> Are you being sarcastic?
Dave>> Of course not.
Dave>> Hey, look at all of those people clearing tables.
Dave>> We should do that.
Susan>> They work here.
Dave>> But everyone is doing it.
Susan>> Fine. Fine.
Susan>> No dancing.
Dave>> See? That's better.
Dave>> There's a solution we can both live with.

This is where he thought he had won the argument.

Silly men.

Susan>> It's just too bad...
Dave>> Oh, here we go.
Susan>> Dancing always gets me so...
Dave>> So what?
Dave>> Happy?
Dave>> Energetic?
Susan>> ... Hot.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> So, are we going to dance or what?

Silly, silly men.

So easily manipulated.

I was just pulling him out onto the dance floor when I heard the DJ start a new song. At first, I couldn't quite remember what it was, but it was really familiar.

What was the name of...

Oh yeah.

Mony Mony.

Dave>> GET LAID! GET F&%@ED!

Apparently, people like to yell this during the song.

Apparently, Dave also enjoys screaming profanities into a wedding crowd composed of mostly elderly people and children.

We haven't been invited to a lot of weddings since then.

I almost didn't invite him to our wedding.