Tuesday, January 30, 2007


I'm going to let you in a little secret now, okay?

Just between you and me.

Are you ready?

Here it is.

I don't have a lot of faith in the intelligence of others.

I know. I'll give you a second to contain your shock.

As you may have been able to figure out, I basically see human beings as two types of people:

1) complete morons

2) me

You really can't blame me though. Given the number of times I've had to deal with idiots, you're lucky I'm as nice as I am.

Think about that.

Now, I've told you before that you can often tell when something bad is going to happen.

It's like a sixth sense.

The leader of your party suggests something and your first thought is "Oh damn. We are so dead."

And you're usually right.

A few nights ago, a party leader made an interesting (read: functionally retarded) suggestion.

He wanted me to tank.

As a DRG.

Yes, tank.

Yes, a DRG.

For those of you who don't play this game, this would be like asking a butcher to fix your car for you.

But I decided to give it a shot. I was extremely bored and figured it might be good for a laugh.

Also, I needed something to write about.

The things I do for you, oh loyal reader.

So, we gather in Mount Zhayolm and the leader points at a Magmatic Eruca. A Magmatic Eruca that spits fire and can wipe half your HP in a good shot.

At least I won't be in the party long.

So, we get to work and my finger is literally hovering over the summon Jormy button. The second I die, that leader gets an important lesson on proper party formation.

Also, dragon digestive tracts.

So, the first fight ends. And I'm alive.

I actually had to look at the screen and figure out if I was perhaps hallucinating.

But, no. There I was, burnt and battered, but no worse for the damage.

Must have been lucky.

So, we fight another.

And another.

And another.

Before I know it, three hours have gone by and I haven't died once.

We actually made a fairly decent amount of exp.

I don't think I can explain how life changing that moment was for me. I had gone into it assuming the worst of the leader and expecting to die. It wasn't even a question in my mind.

And I had been ready to feed him to Jormy and ban him.

Shame on me.

I learned a valuable lesson about trusting others and that not everyone I meet will turn out to be a total fu...

Leader>> loldrg

I made Jormy eat him twice.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Things You Shouldn't Say

We all know there are things you just shouldn't say.

Dave>> Wow, honey. Was your ass always that big?

Dave>> Why yes I am drunk, officer.

Dave>> How bad could a Tomb Raider movie be?

These are the same rules that we all deal with everyday. We've all learned how to interact with other human beings without seemingly like complete retards.

Well... Most of us.

Basically, anyone that has never played on Xbox Live.

I'm used to these rules.

I'm pretty good at following these rules.

Only occasionally will I scream "F#@%tard" at the people I meet during the day.

But no one told me that there was a whole new set of rules for dealing with a pregnant woman. Is that really fair? Is it fair that they get to make up new rules like that just because they're pregnant?

Today, I was just making some normal, run of the mill small talk when Susan just lost her freakin' mind.

[GM]Dave>> Hey, honey.
[GM]Dave>> Any people fall out of you today?
Susan>> That's not funny.

[GM]Dave>> Of course it is.
Susan>> It wasn't funny at the mall.
Susan>> It wasn't funny when you called me at work.
Susan>> It certainly wasn't funny at my aunt's funeral.
[GM]Dave>> The priest laughed.
Susan>> Just knock it off.
[GM]Dave>> Are you okay?

See that right there? That's a very important tactic when dealing with women.

Sometimes you need to pretend to care.

Basically, look concerned and then nod when their lips stop moving.

Susan>> No, I'm not okay.

And nod.

Susan>> I don't like being fat like this.
Susan>> It's not fair.
[GM]Dave>> Honey, you're not fat.
Susan>> *sniffle*
Susan>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> Not that fat.

And that's when she lost it.

I mean, what the hell?

Monday, January 22, 2007

From The Desk Of [GM]Dave

To the Devs of FFXI,

This letter is intended for those developers that worked on or planned the newest FFXI expansion, ToAU. I'll let the rest of you get back to killing the Black Mage job.

While I don't usually question acts of unmitigated evil against the general player population, I must ask if this expansion is cruel enough. Sure, we have colibri that steal food effects, steal TP, and reflect magic, but is that really evil enough?

Perhaps we should make enemies that are impossible to see until you're already dead. If you even notice them, it's already too late. You can just kiss your ass goodbye.


We got those...


What about a monster that makes you forget all of your job abilities and weaponskills? You know, an enemy that would make it almost impossible to get exp without numerous deaths.

Sounds good, right?

Oh, yeah.

Got those, too.


What about a new event that has awesome gear and rewards, but starts you out with no magic?

Or weapons.

Or even clothes.

Basically, the whole event sets you back to level retarded. I mean, how evil is that?

Wait... Wait...

Did that one, too.

No, I think you're good. I think this expansion is about as evil as we can get at this point.

For the next expansion, I'm working on a new accessory that will actually kick the player in the groin at random intervals.

It's just like what you've done with the current expansion only more subtle.

Anyway, I'll let you get back to work. Those jobs aren't going to nerf themselves, you know.


P.S. Can we have just one quest where you get to kick Shantoto in the teeth? Please?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I'm Baaaack

At least in theory.

I've decided to give this whole blog thing another shot. I'm feeling refreshed and relaxed about it, so I decided it was time to come back.

Now, you may be wondering what brought this decision on.

Was it the many e-mails telling me that I suck?

In a word, no.

Was it the few donations that people sent me trying to push me back to writing?

No. Those were really nice (even the one that told me to get off my ass), but the money didn't really sway me.

Okay... Not that much.

What brought me back was a nice e-mail I got from a woman who liked the blog. She said some very nice things about the blogs and how much she liked them.

But she didn't tell me to come back. She didn't even ask.

Instead, she just sent some kind wishes and left it at that.

The fact that there are still people worth writing for (and yes, you are many) is what brought me back.

Am I going to be writing every day?

Oh hell no.

I must admit that the time off let me look back over the blog and I realized that the more I tried, the less funny it was. It was the times when I was relaxed and just writing the crazy stuff that popped into my head or happened to me that day, that I really loved.

So, I'm going to write a few times a week. Maybe more depending on what my weekends are like.

But, for all intents and purposes, I am back. For good.

Run and hide, bitches. Run and hide.

_ _ _ _ _ _

A few additional notes:

1) No, I'm not dead.

Apparently, someone started a rumor that I died over Christmas. That was just plain stupid.

First off, I cannot be killed. I mean, duh.

Second, do you really think Susan would post it in the freakin' comments section?

2) The OC got cancelled.

And the world rejoiced.

3) Susan

Susan is doing fine. The baby is (as far as I know) doing well.

There will be a few stories about that very soon.

_ _ _ _ _ _

Anyway, go back to work. I'll talk to you tomorrow.