Tuesday, October 31, 2006

A Brief Interlude

Some days, I just have to rant.

Yes, yes. I know this is [GM]Dave Vs. the NMs week. Well, it seems I've discovered a new NM.

It's name is Wannabe the Re'tarded.

Seriously, I ran across what could quite possibly be the worst player in all of FFXI.

Now, given what you have read on my blog, can you even begin to imagine how bad someone would have to be to be the worst player ever?

I was partying in Yuhtunga Jungle and was actually having a pretty good day. I had finally gotten my Empress Pin and was ready to put it to use.

Unfortunately, the servers were basically empty today. Apparently, the combined power of Halloween parties, alcohol, candy, and the release of FFXII was able to overcome many people's carefully nurtured addiction.

We'll have to work on that.

Anyway, I managed somehow to get a party together from the few people who were actually online. Seemed like a nice enough group.

Here's where you're probably thinking one of them turned out to be retarded.

You'd be wrong.

See, the moron in question was never actually in my party.

Instead, this guy tried to start his own party. And when he found that no one wanted to party with him, he started harassing my party.

Not for a spot, mind you. Oh, no.

He started sending tells to our White Mage and Bard asking them to start up a new party with him.

Gee... Let's see... Stay with the party we already have or go with an absolute f%^&tard just because he asks?

Decisions, decisions.

Of course, the White Mage and Bard turned him down.

But does he stop? Of course not.

He starts harassing them with tells trying to get them to leave a working party.

Does this make him the dumbest player ever? No.

Close. But no.

That's when the guy runs into our camp. He's a level 26 Thief...

In level 10 equipment.

Level 10.

The mind reels.

But it gets worse.

When they won't leave our party to go with Gimp the Boy Wonder, he starts following us. Yes, following us.

He doesn't have time to farm for new equipment, but he has time to stalk us.

What's wrong with people?

I blame the schools.

Finally, I just lost it.

Dave>> Man, would you go the hell away?
Player>> No.
Player>> It's a free country.

Okay, that right there pisses me off.

Yes, it's a free country. You're free to do pretty much whatever you want. That's great.

Except that doesn't mean you should feel free to be a psychotic retard.

It just means you can't be arrested for it.


This is the kind of argument morons use. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do something.

Dave>> We get it, okay?
Dave>> No one likes you.
Dave>> It's okay to cry.
Player>> stfu
Dave>> (( I'm sorry.
)) I don't speak retarded.
Dave>> (( Please use the auto-translate function. ))
Player>> I don't see why they're even partied with you.
Dave>> Maybe because I'm not wearing level 10 gear.
Dave>> Just a thought.
Player>> You're such a n00b.
Dave>> Hold on a second...
Dave>> Let me get this straight.
Dave>> You...
Dave>> You are calling me a n00b?
Player>> Yeah.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I think my head just imploded.
Player>> I'm calling a GM on you.


Dave>> For what exactly?
Player>> You're harassing me.
Dave>> That's funny.
Dave>> Aren't you the one following us?
Player>> It's a free country.
Dave>> Wow.
Dave>> Apparently, stupidity is circular.
Player>> I'm so getting you banned, asshole.

I politely excused myself from my party for a minute and logged into my GM account.


Gee, I wonder who that's from.

GM Call Description: Player harassing me over gear.

Oh, damn, I was going to have some fun.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're being harassed.
Player>> Yeah, that guy over there won't leave me alone.
[GM]Dave>> Why is he harassing you?
Player>> He's making fun of my gear.
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> That's against the rules.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, who reads those things anyway?
[GM]Dave>> I prefer to make it up as I go.
Player>> Stop him.
[GM]Dave>> I can't stop him for two reasons.
[GM]Dave>> Number one is he does have freedom of speech.
Player>> What's the other reason?
[GM]Dave>> Well, that's because your gear is level retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Can't really punish him for a simple observation.
Player>> He's not allowed to do that.
Player>> It's harassment.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I've got a reason for that, too.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> It's a free country.

We debated the finer points of social interactions and interpersonal skills.

He made some interesting points about social freedoms.

I made some interesting points about the feeding habits of dragons.

I think we both learned a lot.

Yeah... About Last Night...

Gil sellers ate my post last night.

Damn those gil sellers.

I totally wasn't out trying to get a copy of FFXII and I totally didn't kick a soccer mom in the stomach to get one.

Really wasn't.

It was the gil sellers.


I'll be back later with an actual update.

... Probably.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

[GM]Dave Vs. The NMs - Vol. 3

Alternate Title: "Play That Funk Music, White Boy."

I'm not sure what possessed me to do it.

I was never a really big fan of Bard. Wow, you run into battle and instead of grabbing a sword, you decide to break out some tunes.

Congratulations, you're an iPod with legs.

But, for some reason, I decided to level Bard for a while. The job seemed more challenging than your average melee job and I figured I should at least give it a try.

Also, I figured this would be a great first step to my new rap battling career.

Now, starting out on Bard wasn't that bad. Play some songs, have some fun. You know, normal stuff.

Then I hit 17.

Every Bard reading this just went "Oh..."

I'm not an elitist when it comes to gear. I'm really not. As long as people are wearing even adequate gear, I'm usually pretty understanding.

But for my own character, I like to have the best of the best. It's just the way I am.

So hitting 17 on my Bard presented me with a problem. I needed a Monster Signa.

I didn't have a Monster Signa.

I also didn't have any money.


So, I'm stuck camping Hoo Mjuu the Torrent...


While not as depressing as the Dunes, Giddeus has far fewer people. Far, far fewer people.

If you do a search of Giddeus, here's the people you'll find:

15 people camping Hoo Mjuu
3 people farming Yagudo Necklaces
1 retard who is lost

This means that, at most, you'll only have 4 people to talk to.

Unless you speak Chinese...

Fortunately, my dislike for people makes this a great selling point.

I spent a little over a week camping this bastard. Each day was kill the placeholders, wait. Kill the placeholders, wait. See Hoo Mjuu pop already claimed. Sigh. Kill the placeholders, wait.

My inate stubbornness kept me from quitting. I refused to be beaten by some silly NM.

And each time that I managed to get claim, I would sit there with bated breath, fingers crossed, only to have my hopes dashed.

But, no. I would not be beaten.

I could not be beaten.

So, I camped and camped and camped...

Finally, on my last day is Giddeus, I looked around to find a most wonderous, amazing phenomenon.

I was the only one camping Hoo Mjuu at the time.

Then, as if reading my mind, he popped directly in front of me.

I easily got claim and then went to the slow work of taking his life points.

As they began to dwindle, I prepared myself for the impending disappointment. I knew it wouldn't drop, but at least I would be ready.

And then, Hoo Mjuu died at my hand.

You find a Monster Signa on Hoo Mjuu the Torrent.
You obtained a Monster Signa.


It dropped.

It actually dropped.

My hard work had finally paid off and I sat in front of my computer cheering.

I went back to Windurst, changed jobs, and equipped my pretty new Signa.

That's when I realized something. Something that had not occurred to me as I spent day after day camping.

I don't even like playing Bard.

As a matter of fact, I hated playing Bard.

Why in the hell did I even camp this thing in the first place?

What the hell?

I don't see anything wrong with spending seven straight days playing a game.

That's just how we roll.

But to spend seven straight days you could have been playing instead sitting in one spot trying to mash macro keys before the other guy mashes his...

That shit is just crazy.

No thank you, sir. Not for me. I swore that I would never do something that stupid again.

So, I was camping Stroper Chyme...

Friday, October 27, 2006

[GM]Dave Vs. The NMs - Vol. 2

Alternate Title: "Just when you thought the Dunes couldn't suck any worse..."

I've given a great deal of thought and I think I've recreated, rather accurately, a conversation that went on between the FFXI development team.

Dev1>> Good morning.
Dev1>> What are you doing today?
Dev2>> I am trying to make Valkurm even more evil.
Dev1>> Is such a thing possible?
Dev2>> Well, I took the Nomad Moogle out of Selbina.
Dev1>> Ouch.
Dev2>> Then, I put bats that aggro in every tunnel.
Dev1>> Nice.
Dev1>> That'll make it nearly impossible to get anywhere.
Dev2>> I know.
Dev2>> Unfortunately, I think we've run out of evil.
Dev1>> Are you sure?
Dev1>> I think we can fit a little more evil in.
Dev2>> How?
Dev1>> Let's make a great item.
Dev1>> And then make an NM that only appears every 6 hours.
Dev1>> And make its drop rate really, really low.
Dev2>> But won't the depressing scenery make people want to kill themselves?
Dev1>> Exactly.
Dev2>> That's a great idea.
Dev2>> Shall we laugh maniacally?
Dev1>> Let's.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's accurate.

I tried camping Valkurm Emporer for a long time. A very, very long time.

Sometimes, I think that may have been when I started to go crazy.

Basically, you stand there, looking across a white beach full of sand, and wait for a big, ugly fly to appear.

If a fly appears and is named Damselfly, two things happen:

1) you realize that this is not Valkurm Emporer

2) you die a little inside.

But, because I needed this item, I camped this NM day after day (after day after day after day...) for what seemed like an endless time.

After the first two days, the trees started to talk to me.

On an unrelated note, trees seem preoccupied with burning people to death.

One day, I was having a nice conversation with a rock when I saw a fly pop right in front of me. Right there in front of me.

At first, I thought I was hallucinating.

The rock agreed.

But then, I realized it was real.

Well, technically, it was virtual.

But it was virtually real.

Shut up.

I jam on my claim macro and watch happily as his named turned red.

Hmm... That's an odd color of red.

Looks more like purple.

You cannot attack.
That target is already claimed.

The rock began to laugh.

Turns out another player had snagged claim on the Emporer before I could. No doubt a high level Thief or Ranger.

Or the level 14 MNK standing next to me.

With no subjob.

2) you die a little inside.

Well, this isn't a problem. All I had to do was wait for him to die and then I could take claim. Given his very low level, that shouldn't take very long at all.

It was the perfect plan.

Well... As long as he doesn't...

Player calls for help!


Okay, okay. After he dies, the NM will go back to normal and then I can claim. It'll take a bit longer, but still.

Just as long as no one...

RandomWHM starts casting Cure III on Player.


They kill the Emporer and run off.

I stand there knowing it'll be at least six hours of nothingness before he'll pop again.

I blame the rock.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

[GM]Dave Vs. The NMs - Vol. 1

Alternate Title: "Leaping Lizzy Is A Whore".

Somedays this blog just writes itself, you know.

I had been camping Leaping Lizzy for almost two weeks.

Yes, that's two weeks.

I had gotten claim and killed her at least twice a day for two entire weeks and all I had to show for it was half a dozen lizard tails (retail price: not freakin' much).

See, Lizzy drops this really nice pair of boots that are great for a lot of different jobs. Plus, their Rare/Ex, so you don't have to worry about gil sellers.

That's nice.

Still, you can usually bet that someone will be there looking for her.

Then one day, I was camping Leaping Lizzy for Bounding Boots when this little Taru runs by me and starts killing lizards. You have to kill lizards to get Lizzy to spawn.

That little bastard was after my boots.

Oh, no. This was war.

We started chasing each other around the area. It was a constant battle to see who could get each lizard.

Before I continue, I should point out that it didn't really make any difference who got the lizards. As long as they died, Lizzy could appear.

We were competing because that's just what you do.

So, we're locked in this epic struggle. Neither side was willing to relent even a little.

Then, as I pulled my weapon to send another lizard to lizard heaven, the bastard snakes in front of me and kills it.

Competition or not, this is a slight faux pas that any MMORPG player would recognize.

Player>> Really sorry.
[GM]Dave>> It's okay.
[GM]Dave>> We're here for the same reason.
Player>> Yeah, I know.
Player>> I actually killed her a little earlier.

Oh, that sick son of a bitch. He's trying to rub it in.

Player>> All she dropped was some stupid boots.


[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> What?
Player>> She dropped a Rare/EX version of the boots.
Player>> Couldn't even sell them.

It was at this exact point that I started to twitch a little.

This moron had killed MY NM and gotten MY boots, and he's complaining?!

[GM]Dave>> That's all Lizzy drops.
Player>> No, it's not.
Player>> She drops another set of boots worth a lot.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> They changed that.
Player>> Really?
Player>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> I'm sure. They only changed it...
Player>> Huh...
Player>> Guess this was a waste of time, huh?
[GM]Dave>> You might say that.
Player>> Do you want the boots?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> You can't give them away.
Player>> Oh, yeah.
Player>> Right, right.
Player>> Oh, well. Might as well get rid of them.

Player throws away a pair of Bounding Boots.

[GM]Dave>> *twitchtwitch*

I'm not sure how many times I fed him to Jormy.

I actually had to change his job for him, so he could keep deleveling.

Honestly, I think Lizzy did it just to drive me insane.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

[GM]Dave Fan Week - October

Man, this month flew by.

Time flies when you drink at work.

Anyway, considering it's [GM]Dave Fan Week again, I've decided to dedicate this week to my own pursuit of those lovable rascals, the Notorious Monsters.

For those of you who don't play an MMORPG, a Notorious Monster (also called an NM) are enemies that, when killed, have a chance of dropping a very good and often very valuable item.

This brings up two very interesting points:

1) people will camp certain NMs almost non-stop

If an item has any value, you can be pretty sure that someone is camping it 24 hours a day.

Some of these people don't even leave for days or weeks at a time. We call these people hardcore.


2) most of these NMs have a low drop rate

This basically translates into "they never drop anything so you will probably lose your mind long before you ever get the damned item you're trying to get."

It makes the game... challenging.

Okay... This is actually a special arrangement we've worked out with PC and Playstation manufacturers. We get a cut of all sales to people who smashed their computer or console in a fit of rage.

We even put in some NMs that don't drop anything. Then we go on forums, make some posts about getting this super awesome item, and then just watch the money roll in.

So, this week will focus on my love-hate relationship with the various NMs of Vana'diel.

Except replace "love-hate" with "hate-hate".

And replace "hate-hate" with "dieyoustupidbastardDIEDIEDIE-hate".

It should be fun.

Also, remember that anyone who donated $5 or more during the month will be sent a free [GM]Dave fan club giftpack. It includes extra stories you'll find nowhere else, some fun pictures, a few exclusive wallpapers, and whatever else I can think to put in.

It's just something I like to do to give a little back to those of you who go out of your way to support this blog. I really appreciate it.

Plus, it's part of my plan for world domination.

And, as usual, the person who donates the most during the month will be given the opportunity to take part in the blog if they'd like. You can get fed to a dragon, feed a friend to a dragon...

Something else I'm sure that might involve a dragon.

Dragons are a popular theme, I must admit.

Have a good day and remember, [GM]Dave fan club members will be spared when the revolution comes.

Act now or be crushed beneath my boot when I become overlord of this miserable planet.


Dammit. I forgot to stop typing.

Monday, October 23, 2006


I get asked one question a lot. Not just by some of my readers, but also by people I know in real life.

That question is "Why do you play this game?"

They always say the same things. The game doesn't have an ending, there's no way to ever finish, there's no sense of accomplishment.

People who say this just don't understand this game. Most of them haven't even played it and are just trying to wrap their heads around it.

The point of this game is not about getting to a finish line. There's no ribbon somewhere you run across and the game goes "Good Job!" and sends you on your merry.

It's true that the game really doesn't have an end. But that's one of the best things about it.

The story never really ends. Rather than a simple, one shot storyline to follow, FFXI is woven from countless stories and quests. There is always something else to see, something else to do.

And no accomplishment? No accomplishment?

Every other minute in this game, you're treated to a major sense of accomplishment.

Every time you hit a new level, your heart jumps a little. Everytime you fight an enemy and then beat him, your body cheers a little.

Even the most frustrating things give way to satisfaction. Having to farm or camp for an item makes it all the sweeter when you finally get it.

Sure, it sucks having to wait for groups or try and camp for good items. But that's part of the challenge.

I'm sorry, but if you need someone to hand you everything on a silver platter, we probably don't care about your opinion either way.

This game is about more than just winning. It's about trying new things and reaching new levels.

It's about getting to the next place or the next story, the next quest or the next mission.

It's about being part of a game rather than just playing it.

FFXI has never been about being a game for everyone. It wasn't designed so you could just pick it up and finish it in a week or two.

Instead, they created an actual world that can be explored and experienced. A world without limit and practically without end.

If you're looking at FFXI as a simple video game, you're never going to understand it. We play this game for the sheer depth of it, not some silly finish line or game over screen.

You ask us why we play this game?

We play it because it is about more than just trying to find an end to it. It's about more than a score. It's about more than a level.

It's about more.

I'm sorry if you don't get that. I really am.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Ass Hat

Okay, I'm going to make this as clear as possible. Try to pay attention.






Now, I want everyone to stop, take a nice deep breath, and then stop being retarded.

I'll wait.

Done? Good.

It's just a hat. Yes, yes. I know we all like hats.

[GM]Dave is pro-headwear.

Yay hats.

And, even better, it's a free hat.

Who wouldn't want a free hat?

But a free hat is no reason to lose your goddamned mind and go absolutely retarded. It really isn't.

Right now, there are people in every starting city who are:

a) selling sweets at a grossly inflated rate
b) being stupid enough to actually buy these items at a grossly inflated rate
c) not even aware of what's going on, but following ghosts anyway
d) going absolutely insane because everyone has a hat except them

See, if you're one of these people, then you need to stop breathing right now. Go on. Stop breathing.

It would be pointless to continue wasting oxygen on you.

Oh my goodness, someone stepped in your way and you didn't get a hat.

Does anyone have a tissue? I'm getting all misty eyed just thinking about your suffering.

Do you really expect me to care that you didn't get a silly party hat?

What are you? Four?

This event is supposed to be fun. You run around town, chase some ghosts, and get some fun items. It's intended to be enjoyable.

That's why we called it an event. If it wasn't meant to be fun, we'd have called it something else.

Like WoW for instance.

Yet, I continue to get the most moronic calls from the most moronic players.

Seriously. The GM call queue looks like a class list at a school for the mentally challenged.

And it's all people whining about hats.

How do I get a hat? How do I get the good hat? How do the hats work?

It's enough to drive a man insane.

My personal favorites are the calls about how someone ruined your event. Like you're the only one on the damned server or something.

Just as I was about to head out for lunch (read: heavy, heavy drinking), I got another of these winners sending me a GM call.

GM Call Description: Player ruined halloween event quest. Help!

Why an exclamation point?


Being stupid is one thing. But mishandling punctuation in such a manner...

This would not do.

I immediately logged in and warped to his location. As a representative of the game and its parent company, I felt it was my duty to educate this user on the finer points of grammar and punctuation.

Also, I may give him a crash course on the digestive system of a large dragon.

As time permits.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're waiting for the Great Pumpkin.
Player>> What?
Player>> No, that's not me.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
Player>> Pretty sure, yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That's weird.
[GM]Dave>> I got two GM calls from this server.
[GM]Dave>> One was about the Great Pumpkin...
[GM]Dave>> And the other was about being a total freakin' retard.
[GM]Dave>> (( Hmmm ))
[GM]Dave>> Oh... My bad.
Player>> Listen. This guy ruined my event.
Player>> He got in my way and I lost my costume.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. Great story.
[GM]Dave>> I wonder who'll play you in the movie version.
Player>> This is serious.
[GM]Dave>> No. This is a waste of my time.
[GM]Dave>> You can tell the difference because one doesn't involve whisky.
Player>> Would you just fix it?
Player>> I didn't get my hat.

[GM]Dave>> Do you like Justin Timberlake?
Player>> Not really.
Player>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> Cry me a river...
[GM]Dave>> Oh!
[GM]Dave>> Cry me a river...
Player>> Stop that.
[GM]Dave>> Oh!
Player>> Stop that!
[GM]Dave>> Listen, moron... Do you mind if I call you moron?
Player>> YES, I MIND!
[GM]Dave>> Listen, moron. I don't really give a damn about your hat.
[GM]Dave>> Actually, I don't give a damn about you in general.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> Nope. Thought I started to care there for a second.
[GM]Dave>> But no.
Player>> This is ridiculous!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'd also like to have a discussion with you about punctuation.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I'm referring to your odd obsession with exclamation points.
[GM]Dave>> You do realize that's a bannable offense, don't you?
Player>> What?
Player>> You can get banned for that?
[GM]Dave>> You can get banned for a lot of things.
[GM]Dave>> I banned a guy earlier for using a double negative.
Player>> You're insane!
[GM]Dave>> That's what he didn't not said.
Player>> I...
Player>> I just wanted my hat.
[GM]Dave>> I'll tell you what...
[GM]Dave>> How about I give you a special event item?
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> Why not?
Player>> Okay!
[GM]Dave>> Again with the exclamation points?
[GM]Dave>> Really?
Player>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Here's your item.

Player obtains a Trick or Treat Stave.

Player>> Holy crap!!!
Player>> What's it do?
[GM]Dave>> Try equipping it.
Player>> Okay...


Player>> What happened?
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> Trick or treat.

Jormungand hits Player for 16,863 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 47.

[GM]Dave>> I think that was a trick.
[GM]Dave>> It's hard to tell with Jormy.


I really, really hate these events.

Actually... It's not the events that I hate. The events would be absolutely perfect.

If it weren't for the people.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Perfect Night

It was...

It was beautiful.

First, we had maintenance. That's always a bright spot for us GMs.

It's not because we don't like you guys.

We don't, but that's not the reason.

The thing is that our days really never stop. It's call after call after drink after call and sometimes it can start to burn you out.

We had one guy... Well, let's just say he had a bad morning.

They tell me if you ring a bell anywhere near him, he'll spontaneously start to scream and wet himself.

Maintenance is the rare time for us to slow down and relax, to actually sit back and enjoy what we do.

Not to mention it's really easy to get crafting materials when the guilds are all empty.

It's our time to decompress and recharge our batteries. With alcohol.

So, we're doing our usual maintenance thing. There were various small parties going on around the office and there was a certain amount of liquid being ingested.

It may or may not have been alcohol. I'm not going to say.

One group of guys was sitting around a bank of computers. They were all logged into a server and were watching Mee Deggi the Punisher.

They just sat there and didn't attack it and giggled to themselves.

Another group of guys was doing some dat file swapping on one of the computers.

There is nothing funnier than seeing a Mandragora cast Meteor.

Now, things were fine that way. We were having a great time and were even content to go back to work when the maintenance ended.

That's when our supervisor came in and told us that they were shutting down the GM system for a brief time after the maintenance.




The crowd broke out into a riotous cheer and the supervisor left us to our partying.

Big mistake.

Not ten minutes later, the place was a total madhouse. Papers were being thrown about. Our semi-casual dress code had given way to a disturbing lack of pants.

One guy had a metal garbage bucket on his head and was just walking around pointing at people and screaming "BANNED! BANNED!"

I was sure someone was going to die.

Actually... We haven't seen Greg the copy boy this morning...

After a few hours of this (and some faxing of possibly nude body parts to the guys over at WoW), the party was just starting to wind down. Bodies were strewn haphazardly all over desks and chairs.

That's when the supervisor leaned in again and said

Supervisor>> Oh, by the way...
Supervisor>> We're banning 1,400 accounts today.
Supervisor>> Just FYI.




There are no words to describe what followed. An army of GMs swarmed to their computers, their tired fingers flying effortlessly over keys.

It would have brought tears to my eyes if it hadn't been for the still disturbing lack of pants.

Martial law fell over Vana'diel for a few hours there. Account after account after account were erased from existance.

I want to deal with each one personally, but there were just so many to handle.

Still, those that were online got a short message from me.

[GM]Dave>> You fail at life.
[GM]Dave>> kthxbai

When all 1,400 accounts were left in ruin, exhaustion swept through the crowd.

Our shift ended in a slow migration of people with half-lidded eyes looking for their pants so they could go home.

I think it was a good night for everyone.

Still... I'm starting to wonder about Greg.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Maintenance Day

Can't talk. Partying.

Right after the maintenance ended, the announcement went out. They're temporarily closing the GM call system.

This is like Christmas mixed with New Year's mixed with a whole bunch of drunk people.

One of the female GMs just took her shirt off. This place has gone completely insane.

I'm loving it.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Yeah... There wasn't an update last night.

That's not because I didn't write one.

Or at least, not because I didn't start to write one.

Susan told me this morning that she found me sitting up at my desk, my hands still resting on the keyboard. I was sitting up perfectly straight.

And dead asleep.

Apparently, my finger must have been pressed down on the A key because when I checked the blog this morning, there was a whole update saved as draft with approximately 1500 A's at the end.

Yay. Narcolepsy.

I mean, I knew I'd been really tired lately. More than once, I've caught myself falling asleep while driving.

It's not so bad though. Falling asleep while driving isn't scary at all.

Waking up driving, however, is DAMNED SCARY.

Anyway, the update is below. Don't be surprised if right in the middle I start talking about an Eglish only Tarantula or something.

I need sleep.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

No, no, no. Susan and I are not breaking up.

Put your panties back on, ladies.

Yeah, you too. Yes, you, the Manthra in Philadelphia.

That's just sick.

No, today's update is about one of the strangest parts of the GM's job.

I mean, I spend all day dealing with gil buyers, gil seller, and various other retards. That stuff is annoying.

But not strange.

The strange part of my job comes when people try to get me involved in their personal matters. People will actually call a GM during the middle of a fight or break up.

Think about that for a second.

They're calling a GM because they're having a spat.

And why does this happen?

Because some part of the human brain seems to die when you fall in "love" with another person.

That part of the brain is the one in charge of saying "Hey, maybe I shouldn't let her borrow these O. Kote."

But, no. That part of your brain just up and dies, and you're handing over all your stuff to someone you barely know.

Well... Maybe it doesn't die.

In guys, at least, that part simply atrophies as blood is directed to other parts of the body.

You know what I'm talking about.

Then, one of you does something stupid. It's inevitable really.

I mean, you were retarded enough to give this person all of your stuff. I can't expect you to be intelligent enough to avoid relationship trouble.

But now, you have a problem. See, they have all of your stuff and now they don't like you. So, they won't give it back.

Would you give millions of gil worth of items to someone you don't like?

Of course you would.

You're retarded.

So, what do you do in this situation?

That's right. You go through your inventory, make a mental note of what you've lost, and chalk it all up to a valuable lesson. You can learn from this.

Okay, go on. Open your menu and go to your inventory.


What are you doing?

That's not your inventory.

That's the HELP DESK!


You son of a bitch.

GM Call Description: Ex Stole All Of My Items.

I hate you. I really, really hate you.

What is so hard to understand about this? Never give anything away that you really need.


Yes, I know. You two were in love and it was so beautiful and you just wanted to show that other person how much they mean to you.

Congratulations. You did something extremely stupid in the name of love.

Now, the love is gone. What does that leave us with?

Something extremely stupid.

You never get anything back when you break up. You don't get back your favorite t-shirt or that DVD you left at their house.

Why did you think your scorpion harness would be any different?

But, no. Now, I have to listen to some emo moron whine about his ex-girlfriend.

Man, I love my job.

Note to self: buy gun later.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you lost your girlfriend.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. I just have one question.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> How exactly did you get a girlfriend?
[GM]Dave>> Was there money involved?
[GM]Dave>> For 5 gil, did she love you long time?
Player>> What?!
Player>> NO!
[GM]Dave>> Cause I've heard stories about gil sellers.
[GM]Dave>> They'll do pretty much anything.
Player>> It wasn't like that.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Did he love you long time?
Player>> It was a she.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, yeah. You're right.
[GM]Dave>> She was probably a woman.
Player>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> You don't get sarcasm, do you?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, did you meet her in real life?
Player>> ... No.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> You're totally gay now.
Player>> I'm not gay!
[GM]Dave>> It's cool, man.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever floats your boat.
Player>> My ex-GIRLFRIEND stole my stuff.
Player>> I want it back.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, yes, sir. Right away, sir.
Player>> That's better.
[GM]Dave>> Let me just check something real quick.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, apparently I'm not caring.
Player>> But she stole my stuff!
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> You went retarded and gave her your stuff.
[GM]Dave>> Now, it's her stuff.
Player>> I WANT IT BACK!
[GM]Dave>> I want a pony.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, we're both getting shafted.
Player>> You have to do something.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I do have some good news.
Player>> ...
Player>> What's that?
[GM]Dave>> I've fixed your love life.
Player>> What?
Player>> I don't understand...


Player>> Oh crap!
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> Meet your new girlfriend.

Shiva uses Diamond Dust.
Player takes 28,006 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Shiva.

[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> She can be a little cold.

Get it? Cold? Cause Shiva uses ice.

You people have no sense of humor.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

... For Your Mama.

Today, I thought I'd take an Alla moment.

So, I'm going to start selling gil.

Bah dump psshhh.

Seriously though, today something semi-interesting happened between two of my LSes and I found it funny enough to mention here.

Now, usually I don't take part in LS drama. Getting riled up about a little club on the internet is about as retarded as you can get.

Still, I am not above posting the story here.

Then again, I am not above doing very many things.

I'll start with a little bit of background. I was a member of two linkshells, one that I spent the majority of my time in and another whose pearl collected dust in my moghouse.

These two Linkshells were formed around the same time. The first was formed by itself and then, when it got full, someone started an LS for the leftover people.

And thus, it became the leftover linkshell.

And things were good.

For a while.

Slowly, the leader of the leftover linkshell started to get angry. Seems he didn't want his LS to be in the shadow of the other LS.

Of course, he started the damned thing in the shadow, but I don't think that ever occurred to him.

That would have been downright logical.

Hell, the linkshell was actually named after the first one.

Anyway, this anger would boil over occasionally, in the form of LS drama.

Imagine the OC only less retarded.

Actually... It usually was pretty retarded.

Still, the members of the first LS would smile and push that stuff to the side.

I mean, they weren't the ones with the inferiority complex.

Today, though, the shit finally hit the fan.

The leader of the leftover LS snapped and broke the entire shell, citing the unnecessary drama (that he started) that was caused by people thinking of them as a leftover LS (just because it was formed for leftover people).

Now, you'd think this was all major inter-linkshell drama and fighting, that both LSes must have been at each others throats over the whole thing.

Not so much.

Actually, the first LS didn't really give a good damn about the leftover LS one way or the other. They were not technically affiliated, so why would they care?

And the members of what had once been a leftover LS were cool, too. They knew their LS was cool as it was and didn't really care either way.

Seems the only person who got worked up over the whole thing was the leader of the leftover LS. And then decided to break the shell just to start a new shell.

With the same people.

My mind reels.

Now, watching the shell break was of course disheartening. I was choked up.

At least, I would have been had I any human emotions.

Still, looking at that pearl, it was kind of sad to know I'd never use it again.

Then, I realized it freed up some inventory space for crafting.

Yeah, I wasn't really sad after that.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

An Average Day In The Dunes

For some reason I don't quite understand, I decided to level Ninja.

It's not that I have anything against Ninjas. That shit just looks like a lot of damned work for me.

I like Dragoon. You hit attack, use a jump, and then you go make a sandwich. When you come back, if the thing isn't dead, you use jump again.

Ninja just looked like a pain in the ass.

Still, some strange compulsion pushed me into leveling it and, after a few blissful hours of soloing, I headed off to the dunes.

Today, we'll be taking a brief look at your average day in the dunes.

I started out in La Theine Plateau and set myself to lfg. This way, I could put off actually going into the dunes for as long as possible.

Five minutes later, I get an invite. Nice.

I'm feeling optimistic.

Turns out the invite came from a DRK/WHM three levels below me and there's no one else in his party.

Not so optimistic.

I politely decline (read: I tell him he should go jump up his own ass) and go back to looking for a party.

A few minutes later, I get a polite tell from another Ninja asking me to replace him. His party even has a second Ninja for me to work with.

Feeling optimistic again.

He tells me the leader will invite me. Seconds later, I get an invite from the leader and accept.

I check the party member list and find that there is no second Ninja.

Or a White Mage.

Or a healer of any kind.

It's three Thieves, a Black Mage, and a Corsair.

The Corsair doesn't even have a subjob.

My mind fractures and I die a short time later.

Okay... Maybe that's exaggerating. I didn't die.

I send a tell to the Ninja who first talked to me and apparently the leader hadn't sent an invite yet.

That's right. Right after he told me the leader would invite me, someone else invited me without talking to me first.

And now I'm in the party of the damned.

I make up a random excuse (side note: I think I told them I had to go wash my cat) and disband from the party.

The leader starts sending me angry tells. After I left, apparently the Black Mage woke up and realized he was going to die and also disbanded.

I blacklist the leader and make a note to introduce him to Jormy later.

I join the Ninja's former party and check the party member list. There's a second Ninja. Yay.

We set up camp and we're just about to start when the second Ninja says...

Ninja>> Gotta go.

And immediately leaves.

The leader searches for possible replacements. He mentions a certain DRK/WHM lfg in La Theine.

I ask him to give me lead.

He gives me lead and I boot him from the party.

We pick up replacements and go to work. They expect me to blink tank, so I set up some simple ground rules. My main rule: no Black Mage enemies.

The puller leaves and comes back three seconds later with a Goblin Gambler.

Yes, for those of you playing at home, that's a Black Mage enemy.

I am underwhelmed.

I hold out hope that the Gambler goes easy on the AoE spells and maybe we'll survive. With a little help from the Warrior in the party, we should be okay.

Three minutes later, we're face down in the dirt.

Also, the Warrior was afk the whole fight.

I begin to consider deleting Valkurm from the game.

The White Mage informs us that his homepoint was in Jeuno.

Two other people are suddenly "sleepy".

Two seconds later, the entire party is empty except for me and the Warrior.

Three seconds after that, the two "sleepy" people have joined another party.

I type /shutdown and prepare to go drown my anger in a sea of alcohol.

Just as I'm about to log out, I get a tell...

Warrior>> Sorry. Was making a sandwich.
Warrior>> WTF HAPPENED?!

I wonder if it's possible to solo to 75...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

GM Support Not Available

It came through the wires like a blessing from the gods. As soon as the e-mail went out, our entire office went electric with excitement.

They were temporarily shutting down the GM call system.

Can I get an amen?

Apparently, they were making an "adjustment" to the GM petition system.

By adjustment, I assume they mean fixing the GM call system. I assume that because "someone" may have been playing near the GM server with an electromagnet.

If anyone asks, I was with you.

Either way, they were shutting down the system that has eroded my faith in human beings.

That's good news.

At first, I was picturing hour upon hour of uninterrupted bliss. No GM calls. No whiners.

It was beautiful.

Then, reading further down the e-mail, I found out it was only scheduled for an hour.

An hour...

Still, an hour not having to deal with the mouth-breathing, drooling n00b masses of Vana'diel is well worth it.

I would have to make the most of this hour.

ie. I would have to find out exactly how drunk one can get in a short sixty minutes.

I could tell from the looks on the faces of my fellow GMs that they had similar plans. Each of them had a mischievous glint in his/her eye.

Bad things were to come.

This would be the party to end all parties. Anarchy would reign and the powers that be would be overthrown. Then, from the ashes, a new kingdom would be born.

Does Dave-Enix sound a little too conceited?

Okay, perhaps I'm exaggerating, but given the history of our update/maintenance parties, it was obvious that fun would be had.

As the minutes ticked closer to shutdown, I could barely contain my excitement.

Then, just as the time came, our supervisor walked in.

Supervisor>> Okay, people. The GM call system is down.

A cry rang out from the huddled masses.

Supervisor>> But...

I hate that word.

You hear something great, something fantastic, and then they have to go and say but.

They might as well just say "Hey, you know that good thing we just said? Yeah, we're totally going to shit all over that. Also, we just shot your dog."

Supervisor>> But...
[GM]Dave>> Oh god.
Supervisor>> But we've come up with something for you to do.

Come up with, he said.

Come up with.

As if they were doing us some sort of favor.

I mean, isn't that freaking ridiculous? They expect us to do work just because they're paying us.

That's just wrong.

Then came the weird part. A door opened behind the supervisor and they wheeled in a mail cart filled with folders. Then they started handing stacks of folders to each GM.

No good could come from this.

[GM]Dave>> Um...
[GM]Dave>> What are these?
Supervisor>> These are hardcopies of GM logs.
Supervisor>> We'd like you to review them.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> What's a hardcopy?
Supervisor>> They're printed. On paper.
[GM]Dave>> Paper...
[GM]Dave>> Hmm...
[GM]Dave>> I remember paper.
Supervisor>> We need you to review the logs for errors.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> That's not good for me.
Supervisor>> Well, we need you to do something.
Supervisor>> You can't just sit here for an hour.
[GM]Dave>> Woah, woah. Don't be so hasty.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe we should try that "sitting around" idea.
[GM]Dave>> It could work.
Supervisor>> I don't think so.
[GM]Dave>> We never do what I want to do.
[GM]Dave>> Like my Jeans Friday idea.
[GM]Dave>> You wouldn't even give it a chance.
Supervisor>> You suggested we not wear shirts.
[GM]Dave>> It's Jeans Friday.
[GM]Dave>> Not Shirt and Jeans Friday.
Supervisor>> Don't you think that's inappropriate?
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> And it leads nicely into my next idea.
Supervisor>> Sigh...
Supervisor>> I'm almost afraid to ask.
[GM]Dave>> No Pants Saturdays.
Supervisor>> ...
Supervisor>> Just review the reports.
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> Wait... I can't get this folder open.
Supervisor>> What's wrong?
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure.
[GM]Dave>> I'm double-clicking the cover...
[GM]Dave>> But it won't open.

I literally sat there for a minute double-clicking my finger on the cover of a paper folder.

I thought his head was going to explode.

With an almost broken look in his eye, he turned and walked away.

And with that, my dream of another GM drinking party was destroyed.

Now, I'm stuck drinking at my desk.

Stupid job.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A Hard Decision

I spent a great deal of time this weekend reflecting on things and I've come to a conclusion.

I really haven't enjoyed writing this blog for some time now. It's becoming increasingly more frustrating having to try and crank out an update each and every night only to have people throw it back in my face and tell me it's not funny.

This blog was supposed to be fun and enjoyable. Something to make me laugh while giving you something to read.

Because of the way things have gone, it feels more like a job than a hobby and one that I honestly do not enjoy.

Thus, I have decided to stop writing this blog.

I will always appreciate those readers that took the time to drop me a line or make a comment to give me some support. I know I'm not the best writer (or even a good one according to some), but it was always nice to know someone liked it.

I hope you enjoyed reading these stories as much as I enjoyed writing them.


Just kidding.

Oh, c'mon. That was funny.

Put the gun down.

As if I could let you guys wallow in an existence without [GM]Dave. That would just be inhumane.

Anyway, on with the show.

Seriously. Put the gun down.

After such a craptacular weekend, it was honestly nice to be able to sit down and play again.

Nothing can take care of your troubles like a nice, relaxing session of partying.

Unfortunately, my party today was neither nice nor relaxing.

Hmm... How would I describe my party today?

Oh, yes.


How many people saw that one coming?

I joined this party and right away, I had a feeling something was wrong. I did a quick check of my party members and was not surprised to find out I was right.

[GM]Dave>> Umm...
[GM]Dave>> Why don't we have a White Mage?
Leader>> It's okay.
Leader>> I've got a Summoner on the way.
[GM]Dave>> That's weird.
[GM]Dave>> I don't remember asking about a Summoner.
[GM]Dave>> I thought I asked about a White Mage.
Leader>> The Summoner is going to heal.

Oh lord.

We've all been in that party where the leader makes a decision like this. You have that feeling that you're going to die, but at the same time, it could possibly work.

So you stay.

At certain levels, a Summoner can actually be an adequate healer.

Just don't confuse the word "can" with the word "will".

I know a lot of Summoners hate to heal. I mean they decided to play Summoner, not White Mage.

I mean, White Mages usually sub Black Mage, but we don't ask them to stand in the back and nuke rather than healing.

And we don't ask the Dark Knights to tank just because they have Warrior subbed. That would take their attention away from standing in the front and missing.

Now, I can tell many of you think this is going to be a Summoner-healer rant about some retard who was too good to be a healer.

It's not.

Man, if a Summoner doesn't want to heal, that's cool by me. It's his choice.

[GM]Dave>> Does he know he's going to be main healing?
Leader>> Yeah.
Leader>> He said he would heal in his search comment.

No, no. Today's rant is about people who agree to heal and then do a shitty job of it.

And then bitch about it.

I don't know if a bunch of really crappy White Mages decided to become really crappy Summoners or if maybe becoming a Summoner may involve several blows to the head, but a lot of Summoners that CAN heal just DON'T heal well.

So, this Summoner gets to camp and I am surprisingly optimistic. His gear isn't great, but it is passable.

And he's wearing pants.

You may laugh, but I'm pretty sure every one of us has had a mage show up without pants before.

I started to think that this could actually work.

Five minutes later, I once again realize why I don't like people.

Let me set the stage for you. We have a Ninja tanking. For those of you who don't know, Ninjas tank by using magic.

Some of the mobs we're fighting like to cast Silence on players.

Now, let's do some math.

Silence + Ninja Tank = Dead Party

But even a terrible White Mage is smart enough to cast Silena to remove the Silence, right?


Of course they are.

Unfortunately, we didn't have a terrible White Mage.

We had a terrible Summoner.

Five minutes go by and my whole party is face down in the dirt.


[GM]Dave>> What the hell is wrong with you?
[GM]Dave>> Why aren't you casting Silena?
Summoner>> I'm just supposed to heal.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have Silena?
Summoner>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And don't you think using it might be...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I don't know...
[GM]Dave>> HELPFUL?!
Summoner>> I'm not a White Mage.
Summoner>> I'm a Summoner.
[GM]Dave>> I don't care if you're a wood elf.
[GM]Dave>> If you have Silena, CAST SILENA!
Summoner>> This isn't my fault.
[GM]Dave>> How is this not your fault?
[GM]Dave>> Who's fault is it?
Summoner>> You should have picked up a White Mage.
Summoner>> I don't even like main healing.
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you agree to heal?
Summoner>> Well, I really wanted a party.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> This is what a tumor feels like.

After that, we sat down and had a long, serious discussion on the role of a Summoner as a main healer. We listened to each person's opinions and then came to a concensus and mutual resolution.


As if I would do that!

Yeah, I just fed him to Jormy.

If you don't want to heal, then don't. That's cool.

But you can't agree to be main healer and then turn retarded.

That just doesn't work for me.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Short Break

Really sorry for the lack of updates last night and tonight.

We had a death in the family. Not a joke, not a story.

I am attending to personal matters this weekend, but I'll try and make time for an update tomorrow. I know some of you like to have something to read each day, but sadly, I can't offer that right now.

Hopefully tomorrow.

I'd prefer not to talk about this, so if you're going to make a comment, I'll give you a discussion topic:

White Mages who charge for raises. They suck.


Thursday, October 05, 2006

If You Only Knew The Power...

As soon as I got home from work today, I knew something was wrong. Susan greeted me at the door, but the look on her face was not a happy one.

Susan>> Honey...
Susan>> We need to talk...

Immediately, my heart sank. There has never been a good conversation that started with the words "we need to talk".

You never "need" to talk about the good stuff.

It's never:

Person>> We need to talk...
Person>> You're getting a promotion.


Person>> We need to talk...
Person>> You just won a million dollars.

No, it's always:

Person>> We need to talk...
Person>> And by talk I mean I'm going to tear out your heart, show it to you, and then step on it.


Anyway, back to our story...

Susan>> Honey...
Susan>> We need to talk...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, crap.
Susan>> What?
Susan>> What's wrong?
[GM]Dave>> This is going to be bad.
Susan>> Why would you say that?
[GM]Dave>> Everytime you say that, something bad happens.
[GM]Dave>> It is the harbinger of my doom.
Susan>> That's not true.
[GM]Dave>> Well, is it good news?
Susan>> ...
Susan>> Not exactly...
[GM]Dave>> See? Told you.
[GM]Dave>> Harbinger, doom, me.
Susan>> It's just...
[GM]Dave>> What is it?
[GM]Dave>> It can't be that bad.


[GM]Dave>> Or maybe it is.
[GM]Dave>> Crap.
Susan>> I don't know how to explain this.
Susan>> I did something terrible.

Good news: I'm not in trouble.

Bad news: When a woman admits to doing something terrible, it's very, very, very bad news.

[GM]Dave>> ... How terrible?


[GM]Dave>> Crap.
Susan>> I didn't mean for this to...
Susan>> It just...
Susan>> It just happened.

Oh damn.

I knew what she was going to tell me. I could see it in her face, her eyes.

She had cheated on me.

I felt my heart lurch in my chest and wondered for a second if a man could die from a heart break.

There is no pain more agonizing, more terrible, more complete than knowing the person that you love has been with someone else. I cannot even begin to imagine anything as horrible as that.

She might as well have just reached in my chest and tore my heart out. It might have hurt less.

The fact that she could have cheated on me with another man was just... unimaginable. I don't think anything could have been worse than that.

But I had to hear it from her.

[GM]Dave>> What...
[GM]Dave>> What happened?
Susan>> I was out the other morning...
Susan>> You were at work...
Susan>> And...

She started to cry.

I wanted to.

[GM]Dave>> Go on.
[GM]Dave>> Tell me.
Susan>> I was shopping.
Susan>> Just picking up a few things and...
Susan>> I wasn't planning it, you know.
Susan>> I swear I wasn't planning for it to happen.
[GM]Dave>> What happened?
Susan>> I...
Susan>> I...
[GM]Dave>> Say it.

Here it was.

This was the moment when she would tear my heart out with just a few words.

Susan>> I tried Warcraft.



That's just freakin' wrong.

Susan>> Honey...
Susan>> Talk to me.
[GM]Dave>> How could you?
Susan>> It just happened.
[GM]Dave>> NO IT DIDN'T!
Susan>> No, I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> YES, YOU DID!
[GM]Dave>> I...
Susan>> Honey, calm down.
Susan>> It didn't mean anything.
Susan>> It was just a free trial.
[GM]Dave>> Did you...
[GM]Dave>> Did you... go on a raid?
Susan>> ...
[GM]Dave>> OH GOD!!!
Susan>> Let me explain.
[GM]Dave>> I don't want to hear it.
[GM]Dave>> Just leave me alone.

I can't believe she could do something so terrible.

I mean couldn't she have just cheated on me or something?

Sleeping with another man would have been bad, but Warcraft?!

Now, that hurt.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Now, That's Refreshing

I realize mana is very important to mage jobs. You need mana in order to cast spells.

You're mages. It's your job to cast spells.

Thus, mana is a big thing.

I totally get that. I mean, without mana, you guys are basically paperweights.

And you sometimes need help keeping your mana up.

Every post-41 Red Mage reading this knows exactly where I'm going.

Refresh is a great spell. It really is. It allows you to recover those mana points that you so desperately love and need.

Sounds great, huh?

Unfortunately, this spell has a hidden latent effect. That latent effect is that the spell refresh can cause many mages and magic users to become absolutely retarded.

It's true. It's like as soon as your party picks up a Red Mage, these people lose their freakin' minds. If they do not constantly have a Refresh effect acting on them, they start to freak out.

Imagine you're a Red Mage. During every battle it is your job enfeeble the enemy, dispel any buffs the enemy may have, watch for your enfeebles to wear off, usually main heal or back up heal, and cast refresh on anyone or anything that has mana.

And melee if you happen to be retarded yourself.

That sounds pretty busy, doesn't it? I mean, that's a lot of shit to do during a two minute battle.

So, maybe it's understandable that the Red Mage may need a second to get your refresh effect back up.

I know, I know. A whole second.

Do you know what would be helpful? Do you know how you can help your Red Mage?

Let him know when your refresh wears off. Better than that, you should start demanding refresh the very moment it wears off.

Maybe you could make a macro.

Oh, and use a lot of calls in your macros. Those never get annoying.

Then, in between battles, you can explain how refresh works and how he should cast it on you more often.

I mean he's been playing Red Mage for a long time and your Red Mage is level retarded, but I'm sure you know better than him. You've partied with a Red Mage before which means you're an expert on the subject.

Maybe you could get a job working at Brady.

I'm sure your new Red Mage friend will appreciate you helping him do his job.

Now, if any of that made sense to you or sounded even plausible, I want you to uninstall FFXI, turn off your computer, and then eat your modem.

You have no business interacting with other human beings.

A Red Mage will refresh you if he has time. He's a busy guy.

And do you know what you do?

You shut the hell up.

This comes to mind because recently I was leveling a mage job. But not my Red Mage.

Oh, no. I was leveling my Black Mage.

Susan was leveling her Red Mage.

We formed a party in Jeuno, set out for our camp, and went to work.

Immediately, I spotted a problem. It seems the Dark Knight we picked up was getting a little "critical" of Susan's refresh cycle.

DarkKnight>> Can I get refresh?
DarkKnight>> Hello? Refresh, please.
DarkKnight>> (( Refresh )) (( Do you have it? ))

I mean she was putting the White Mage, the Black Mage, and the Paladin ahead of the Dark Knight. And sometimes, she'd cast dispel on the mob while the Dark Knight was sitting there not getting free mana.

Can you imagine?

What in the hell was she thinking?

Of course the Dark Knight's spells are more important than... Oh, I don't know... The White Mage curing.

I mean, c'mon.

Still, I am not one to abuse my GM powers, so I relaxed and didn't make a big issue out of it.

That sounds just like me, doesn't it?


[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'm your new teacher, [GM]Dave.
DarkKnight>> What the...
DarkKnight>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to [GM]Dave's School of Refresh Etiquette.
DarkKnight>> Why am I here?
[GM]Dave>> You're here to learn the three Rs.
[GM]Dave>> Red Mage.
[GM]Dave>> Refresh.
[GM]Dave>> And retarded.
DarkKnight>> What does that have to do with me?
[GM]Dave>> Well, are you a Red Mage?
DarkKnight>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have Refresh?
DarkKnight>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Then guess which one applies to you.
DarkKnight>> Are you calling me retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Of course not, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Technically, I'm implying it.
DarkKnight>> You're not allowed to call me retarded.
[GM]Dave>> I didn't call you retarded.
[GM]Dave>> I implied it.
[GM]Dave>> What are you, retarded?
DarkKnight>> There! Right there!
DarkKnight>> You called me retarded again.
[GM]Dave>> Actually, I asked a question.
[GM]Dave>> That's more suggesting it as a possibility.
[GM]Dave>> I still didn't call you retarded.
[GM]Dave>> I would never call someone retarded.
DarkKnight>> I... Oh, nevermind.
DarkKnight>> Can we just get on with it?
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Today's lesson is about respecting your Red Mage.
DarkKnight>> Did that Red Mage report me or something?
DarkKnight>> What a bitch.




I knew I hadn't just read that.

DarkKnight>> She sucked.
DarkKnight>> Her and that Black Mage.



Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong, now.

[GM]Dave>> For the purpose of today's lesson...
[GM]Dave>> I have made you a level 41 Red Mage.
[GM]Dave>> And I've given you the spell Refresh.
DarkKnight>> Sweet.
DarkKnight>> What do I do?
[GM]Dave>> Your job is to keep us refreshed.
DarkKnight>> That shouldn't be too hard.
DarkKnight>> So, I just keep the two of us refreshed.
DarkKnight>> Easy.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> Who said two?
DarkKnight>> You said "us".
[GM]Dave>> Oh, silly, silly me.
[GM]Dave>> I apologize for the misunderstanding.

That's when I spawned an army of NPCs all dressed in GM gear.

All named [GM]Dave.

[GM]Dave>> I meant us.
DarkKnight>> Oh crap.
DarkKnight>> What if I fail?
[GM]Dave>> You'll be given a slight financial penalty.
DarkKnight>> ... That's no so bad.
[GM]Dave>> Followed by a perma-ban.
DarkKnight>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> There may also be a dragon involved.
[GM]Dave>> Let's just play it by ear.
DarkKnight>> This is ridiculous.
[GM]Dave>> No, this is education.
[GM]Dave>> Learning is fundamental, you know.
DarkKnight>> This is impossible.
[GM]Dave>> No, no.
[GM]Dave>> It's not improbable.
DarkKnight>> I said impossible.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, pretty much.
[GM]Dave>> Good luck though.
DarkKnight>> Gee, thanks.
[GM]Dave>> There's just one more thing.
DarkKnight>> What's that?

Do you have any idea how annoying it would be to get a hundred tells every second asking for refresh?

Can you imagine how long it would take to drive you insane?

By my watch, about four and a half seconds.

It was almost sad to see Jormy eat him.

Except replace "almost" with "incredibly".

And "sad" with "funny".

[GM]Dave>> By the way...
[GM]Dave>> You're retarded.

Please, people. Respect your Red Mage.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

GiftPacks Sent

I just finished the fan club giftpacks and sent them out.

Now, I just need sleep.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try and get to the roots of the blog. This will either be funny or a horrendous failure.

So, you'll either get to laugh with me or at me.

Anyway, have a good night and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Yes, I realize that does not include very much, but still.

Monday, October 02, 2006

[GM]Dave Is Not Happy

Grumble grumble grumble.

Want to hear something funny?

New cars come with a 3 year warranty on most parts. That means that everything is covered for up to three years after the day you buy it.

Nice, huh?

I bought my car 3 years and 1 week ago.

Do you see the funny coming yet?

My card decided it was going to up and die. Everything was fine, and then suddenly the engine started to make a noise I can only describe as the mechanical throes of death.

I have since spent the day trying to work my way through the labyrinth of insurance company bureaucracy.


Here's exactly how the calls have been going.

Person1>> This is customer service. My name is Karen.
Person1>> How can I help you?
[GM]Dave>> My car is broken.
Person1>> I'm sorry to hear that.
Person1>> Let me transfer you to service.
[GM]Dave>> Wait... I don't want to talk to...
Person1>> One second, please.
[GM]Dave>> Stop.
[GM]Dave>> I don't want to talk to service.
Person2>> This is service. My name is Mark.
Person2>> How can I help you?
[GM]Dave>> My car is broken.
Person2>> I'm sorry to hear that.
Person2>> Let me transfer you to warranty.
[GM]Dave>> I don't need to talk to warranty.
[GM]Dave>> I need customer service.
Person2>> Oh...
Person2>> One second, please.
[GM]Dave>> That's better.
Person3>> This is warranty. My name is Ann.
Person3>> How can I help you?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to kill myself.
Person3>> I'm sorry to hear that.
Person3>> Is there something I can help you with?
[GM]Dave>> My car is broken.
[GM]Dave>> I want to fix it.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to make that happen.
Person3>> Let me just...
[GM]Dave>> NO!
[GM]Dave>> NO JUST!
[GM]Dave>> You're going to help me!
Person3>> Yes, sir.
Person3>> No problem, sir.
Person1>> This is customer service. My name is Karen.
Person1>> How can I help you?
[GM]Dave>> DAMMIT!!!
[GM]Dave>> *gunshot*

And then repeat the process ad infinitum.

Why? Why exactly does this crap have to happen to me?

I can't afford to just go and buy a new car. Hell, I can barely afford to put gas in the one that I have.

Anyway, this tour of car company sadism has taken the better part of my day and an even greater part of my mood and patience.

Unfortunately, the giftpack will most likely have to be sent out tomorrow. That is, of course, assuming I haven't been arrested for murdering the employees of a certain car company and their families.

On an unrelated note, I started anger management classes this weekend. I really think I'm making good progress.