Monday, July 31, 2006

Fan Club Update

Okay, it's the 31st, so that means the gift pack will be going out in the next few days. Probably by the end of the 2nd unless there is an emergency or I am drunk.

Anyone who has donated by the time I'm ready to send it will receive the gift pack.

The gift pack this month will include both a humorous exclusive story and a more serious story related to my first days in Vana'diel.

There will also be some funny pictures and a few links that people have sent me.

Anyway, this is just a quick update. Today's story is right below.


I Hate The Jungle

Today will be the last post in this special look back at how I started out. It's been fun to look back.

Except replace "It's been fun to look back" with "It reminds me what a terrible n00b I was."

To close out the week, I decided to tell you about my first day in the Jungles.

Yes, those jungles.

And yes, there may be a Goblin involved.

I managed to solo the rest (read: all) of the Kazham keys and had procured my airship pass.

Even the uneducated masses of Vana'diel cannot stop me.

Hopping on the airship for the first time was awesome. Watching it take off and then hearing the music... It was sweet.

And then someone fell off the airship.

The awesomeness then gave way to me freaking the hell out.

Dave>> HOLY SHIT!!!
Dave>> Someone just fell off!!!
RandomPassenger>> Yeah.
RandomPassenger>> Happens all the time.
Dave>> He's going to land in CounterStrike!
RandomPassenger>> It's cool.
RandomPassenger>> It's a glitch.
RandomPassenger>> Watch.

So, the guy walks up to the rail and then suddenly hops up and over the edge.

I swore to God that if he said "There is no spoon", I was going to log off and uninstall the game.

But he was cool, though. He tried to show me how to do it.

Tried being the operative word.

RandomPassenger>> Just walk toward that board.
Dave>> Which board?
RandomPassenger>> That one.
Dave>> Got it.
Dave>> Here I go.

And I spent the next five minutes running toward the rail looking like a retard.

Yay me.

We landed in Kazham and right away I was struck by the exotic beauty of the town.

I was also struck by the huge number of people all looking for a party.

But having no other choice, I added my name to their ranks and raised my invite flag hoping to get a party.

Maybe it won't take that long...

An hour and a half later, I finally got an invite.

I zone into Yuhtunga Jungle and find my group just outside the zoneline. Good location.


We tear through a few Mandragoras and the exp is flowing.

Things were just starting to look up.

That's when some absolute moron aggros a Goblin Smithy and drags it back to the zoneline.

He didn't even have the decency to just stand there and die so complete strangers wouldn't be slightly inconvenienced.

Some people.

Now, some of you newer players are wondering why this was a big deal.

You young'uns. Back in my day, we didn't have any fancy MPK patch that made monsters disappear. No, sir.

If someone aggroed a Goblin and dragged it to the zoneline, he'd just wander around and look for someone else to murder.

You kids these days.

Anyway, now we had a Smithy hanging around the zoneline making it impossible to party.

He'd wander away, right?

Of course not. Every time he started to walk away, another moron would run up, catch aggro, and drag him right back to the zoneline.

There was no way we could get back to the Mandragoras until the Goblin was taken care of.

That's when I had a brilliant idea. A glorious, marvelous, incredibly idea.

Dave>> Everybody!
Dave>> If we all team up, we can take him!
Player1>> That might work.
Player2>> We'd all have to help.
Player1>> Yeah, but it'd save us a lot of time.
Dave>> All right!
Dave>> Let's do this!

That's when I cried "Havoc" and let slip the dogs of war.

Okay... I /shouted "Suck on this" and hit the Smithy with my sword.

Then I Called For Help and just waited for my fellow adventurers to join in.

And waited.

And waited.

Dave>> Starting to get hurt, guys.
Dave>> We may want to get going on this.

And waited.

And died.

Dave>> ...
Dave>> I hate all of you.

This is when I learned one of the most important, most fundamental rules of MMORPGs and life in general...

People suck.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

PvP Is Key

After my terrible experience in Valkurm, and then 5 excruciating levels in Qufim, it was time for me to get my airship pass to Kazham.

As most of you know, this meant I had to collect three keys from dungeons around Vana'diel.


I head off to the first dungeon, Palborough Mines, to get my first key.

The first few key holder mobs weren't too bad, but it was a little dangerous and it was taking a lot of time.

You may not have noticed this, but I don't have the greatest amount of patience.

That's when I noticed a couple of other players running around killing key holders.


Dave>> Hey.
Dave>> Could you guys help me get a key?
Player1>> Yeah, I guess.
Player1>> We're trying 2 get a key for my friend here.
Player2>> U can join us.

Something in my brain was saying that this was a bad idea.

Except replace the word "saying" with the word "screaming".

But I couldn't put my finger on it.

I just had an odd sense of foreboding.

Still, with these guys helping me, I'll get my key way faster.

What could go wrong?

Dave>> Okay...
Dave>> I'll join you.
Player1>> Kewl.

So, we go to work on the Quadavs in the area and, I have to admit, things are going much more smoothly.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Unfortunately, we just couldn't get a key to drop.

We were rushing around looking for key holders when one of the other guys noticed a Quadav through a gap in the wall.

Player2>> Casting Dia --> Old Quadav
Dave>> Get ready!
Player1>> I got him.

But then the weirdest thing happened...

He disappeared.

Apparently, he couldn't fir through the gap and must have walked off somewhere.

Stupid Quadavs.

Anyway, we didn't have time to go find him, so we decided to let him live and went back to plowing through the corridors of the mine. We fought our way deeper and deeper into the mine hoping for a key to drop.

About ten minutes later, when we were quite far in, I noticed my system started to lag slightly.

Then a bit more.

Dave>> Uhhh... guys...
Dave>> I'm getting a lot of lag.
Player1>> Me, too.
Player2>> So am I.
Player1>> That's kind of weird.
Player1>> Maybe it's a server problem.
Dave>> It's strange.
Dave>> I usually only get this kind of lag in Jeuno.
Player2>> I'm sure everything is okay.
Player2>> Must be just one of those things.

That feeling was back.

That bad feeling.

I must be paranoid.

It was that exact second, that the Old Quadav that we had cast Dia on appeared around a turn.

At first, I thought it was kind of funny. He spent all that time following us through the mines.

Then about fifty more Quadav came running around the turn and came straight for us.

Not so much with the funny any more.

Seems while he was following us, he managed to link with some friends of his.

A lot of friends of his.

As we were being pummeled to death by a legion of ninja turtles, our party came to an important realization.

Player2>> This may have been partly my fault.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> You think?
Dave>> Damn, you're retarded.

After that, I decided it might be better to get the keys on my own.

Better safe than gangraped by an army of angry Quadavs.

That's good advice. You should write that down.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Qufim: Valkurm The Sequel

I manage somehow to survive the rampant stupidity of Valkurm Dunes and finally reach level 20.

There was much rejoicing.

But then it was time for that first, long voyage to Jeuno.

When I finally got their, I felt so good. It was like I had made it through a terrible, terrible trial and had made it to safety.

Oh, how little I knew.

Just having hit 20, I quickly hit the Auction House and completely updated my gear and made sure I had all the spells I would require for the next few levels.

Feeling adequately prepared, I stepped into Qufim.

What's the first thing I see upon stepping into Qufim?

Was it a band of adventurers setting out on a quest?

Was it a ferocious monster waiting to take me out?


It was a level 18 Thief.

With a level 7 subjob.

In a level 20 area.

Wearing level 10 scale mail armor.

It was right then that my head started to hurt.

Still, being the nice guy that I was, I thought I'd offer some constructive criticism.

Dave>> Hi there.
Thief>> Yeah.
Thief>> Hi.
Dave>> If you don't mind me saying...
Dave>> Your gear is a little out of date.
Thief>> STFU
Dave>> Wow.
Dave>> Great gear AND an amazing vocabulary.
Dave>> You must be a big hit with the ladies.

Note to self: Don't help people.

I just start pondering what level of head trauma would lead someone to being so stupid, when I get a party invite.

I start heading for our group's camp when I notice we only have five members.

Dave>> Do we have a sixth member?
Leader>> I think so.
Leader>> Just invited someone.
Dave>> Oh. Cool.
Dave>> What job are they?
Leader>> Thief.


There's no way I'm that unlucky.

Thief>> Hey, everybody.
Thief>> Where's camp?
Dave>> Oh good Christ.
Dave>> You invited the gimped wonder.
Thief>> STFU, n00b.
Dave>> Good comback there, genius.
Dave>> Ouch.
Dave>> That one really hurt.
Thief>> Why'd you invite this guy?
Dave>> Well... I'm a Red Mage with up to date gear and spells.
Dave>> You're a Thief wearing tinfoil and with a mental disability.
Leader>> Okay, knock it off.
Leader>> No one else is looking for a party right now.
Leader>> Deal with it.

We make our way carefully to camp and start exping. Right away, it's obvious that this guy is holding us back.

He's doing crap damage and just randomly fires off weaponskills whenever he wants.

Someone suggested a skillchain and he said "What the hell is that?"


We're starting to get the swing of things, though, and the exp starts rolling in despite him.

Things are just starting to get fun when...

Thief>> Okay, we need to ditch the Red Mage guy.
Dave>> Are you kidding?
Dave>> You must be kidding.
Thief>> He's not even meleeing.
Dave>> Of course not.
Dave>> I'm spending all of my time trying to keep you alive.
Dave>> Why I'm not sure.
Thief>> He's a n00b.
Thief>> Drop him.
Dave>> I think you actually discovered a new level of stupidity.
Leader>> Both of you just shut up.
Leader>> Nobody's getting booted.

So, we go back to fighting worms and I continue to keep the Thief alive.

To this day, I still don't know why.

Then, in the middle of the battle, I get aggroed from behind by another worm.

This is bad. The rest of our party is in the middle of a battle with their own worm and I'm getting my ass kicked.

Dave>> Thief, get over here and help.
Thief>> No, thanks.
Thief>> I'd rather not.
Dave>> Jesus, man.
Dave>> Get over here!
Thief>> I'd really prefer to just watch you die.
Thief>> Maybe that'll teach you something.
Dave>> You mean like the fact that you're a dick?
Dave>> I already knew that.
Thief>> Good luck with that worm.

I start throwing cures at myself, but it was looking bad. My HP was getting really low and I was starting to run out of mana.

Then fate smiled on me. The rest of the party finished up their fight and ran over to rescue me.

I survived with only a few HP left, but I survived.

Thief>> You deserved that.
Thief>> Maybe next time, you'll watch your back, n00b.

Seems the moron was so busy taunting me, he failed to notice the time.

Or the Wight walking up behind him.

I'm pretty sure he noticed when it decided to kick his ass.

I actually had to take a break for a minute I was laughing so hard.

You know... maybe Qufim wasn't all bad.

Friday, July 28, 2006

My First GM Call

During my "lovely" stay in Valkurm Dunes, I had the opportunity to make my first GM call.

Now, I wasn't making a call about a n00b player in the Dunes.

Seriously, if I had made a call for every one of those, I'd still be there.

No, no. I was making a call about two higher level players being total pricks.

Two idiot Black Mages were casting Bind on a leech near the entrance to Selbina. That meant that any player trying to get to the town would get their ass kicked.

Don't you just love people?

I mean, what in the hell would cause two relatively high level Black Mages to do this?

Other than being dropped as a child that is.

The Dunes are bad enough. You really don't need to make it worse.

That would be like sending a space heater to hell.

So, I pull up the GM Call menu.

Those bastards were going to pay.

GM Call Description: Two Black Mages in Valkurm Dunes are trying to MPK other players ne...

Dammit. Too long.

GM Call Description: Two Black Mages using leech to intentionally MPK players in Valkur...


GM Call Description: MPK attempt in Valkurm. Please Help.

Putting in "Please Help" will let them know that this is serious, right?


Anyway, GM Calls are only for emergency so I shouldn't have to wait too long.

GM Call Placed.
There are 174 calls ahead of yours.

Son of a bitch.

So, about three hours later, a GM finally gets around to responding.

[GM]Tarkon>> Good day, Adventurer.
[GM]Tarkon>> What seems to be the problem?
Dave>> Two Black Mages are trying to MPK people.
[GM]Tarkon>> Uh huh.
[GM]Tarkon>> When did this happen?
Dave>> I'd guess about three hours ago.
Dave>> When I placed the GM call.
[GM]Tarkon>> Okay.
[GM]Tarkon>> And what area was this?
Dave>> Valkurm Dunes.
Dave>> I said that in my call.
[GM]Tarkon>> Did you Blacklist them?
Dave>> What?
Dave>> Why would I Blacklist someone trying to MPK me?
[GM]Tarkon>> Uh huh.
[GM]Tarkon>> We'll look into it.
Dave>> What does that mean?
[GM]Tarkon>> We'll check the logs and investigate.
Dave>> You're not going to do anything are you?
[GM]Tarkon>> Is there anything else I can help you with?
Dave>> Yeah.
Dave>> Ban those guys.
[GM]Tarkon>> We can't do that.
Dave>> Yes, you can.
Dave>> It's your job.
[GM]Tarkon>> We need to do a report and investigation first.
Dave>> That's bullshit.
Dave>> Just open their account and hit the delete key.
Dave>> Pretend you sneezed or something.
[GM]Tarkon>> Thank you for your call.
Dave>> Thank you for doing as little as possible.
Dave>> If I was a GM, I'd do everything to help players.
Dave>> And I'd treat them with more respect.

Looking back on it, I just have to laugh.

I would have fed myself to a dragon by that point.

When I became a GM, I went and found [GM]Tarkon and we had a nice laugh about it.

Then I went and found the two Black Mages and burned their accounts to the ground.

Actually... I logged into their accounts, threw away all of their gear, and then banned them when they made a GM call.

Made me feel much better.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Valkurm DOOM

I didn't walk into Valkurm Dunes completely unaware.

I did my homework before starting the game. You know, checking up on all of the FFXI forums I could find.

There were enough threads about the ultimate suckfest that is the dunes that I managed to figure out that it was a bad place to go.

I'm smart like that.

Still, if you want to make it from level 12 to level 20, you really don't have a lot of choice.

So, after my incident with Lumbering Lambert, I figured it couldn't be that bad.

I was wrong.

Just zoning into the area makes you feel dirty.

It's as if the very air itself is saturated in stupid. You can actually feel your IQ dropping.

And the shouting... Oh dear lord, the shouting.

Player1>> Raise needed!
Player2>> Where?
Player1>> By the beach.
Player2>> This entire place is a beach.
Player1>> Oh...
Player1>> By the palm trees.
Player2>> There's a hundred palm trees.
Player3>> Lvl 14 RDM/ 5 WAR looking for group.
Player4>> Level your sub, you n00b.
Player4>> Level 16 BLM/ 6 MNK looking for group.
Player2>> I still can't find you.
Player1>> We're on the freakin' beach.
Player2>> What's the position of the dead body?
Player1>> He's kind of lying down.

Now, take that conversation and multiply it by a million.

Then, hit yourself in the face with a ballpeen hammer.

That's what it's like to be in Valkurm.

My first time in Valkurm was enlightening.

Just as I was about to zone in, another player zoned out. He was nearly dead and immediately rested.

Not thinking too much of it, I stepped forward and entered the Dunes.

And came face to face with three goblins.

Three unhappy goblins.

Did I mention they were unhappy?

So, I'm in San d'Oria again.

I manage to walk all the way back to Valkurm and, this time, I get ready to run for my life as I zoned in.

No goblins this time.

I live.


I throw up my flag and after a few minutes, I get my first invite.

Leader>> pt?

Truly, this man must be a poet.

Still, I really wanted to join my first group. I could smell the trouble coming, but my lust for experience points got the better of me.

I joined.

Dave>> Hey, guys.
Dave>> What are we fighting?
Leader>> Not sure yet.
Leader>> We need you to tank.
Dave>> Me?
Dave>> Tank?

Did I mention I was playing Red Mage?

And that I had no sub?

Leader>> You can do it.
Leader>> Trust me.
Dave>> Sigh.

I reluctantly agree and we head for the coastline to fight some crabs.

Well... at least it's not bunnies.

We start fighting crabs and it is immediately and glaringly obvious that I will not suffice as a tank. Hate is jumping around everywhere and I'm taking way too much damage.

Despite all odds, though, I'm managing to stay alive.

We're just ending a fight with a particularly difficult crab and the mages are really suffering. They had practically no MP left.

We all kneeled to heal a bit.

Well... not all of us.

Puller>> INCOMING!
Puller>> (( Found it. )) --> Pugil! Pulling!
Dave>> What's a pugil?

Apparently, a pugil is a large, extremely ugly fish that likes to one shot Red Mages to death on a beach.

Good to know.

So, we all die. Five of us Homepoint to the nearby outpost and get ready to go again.

You'll notice I said five.

Unfortunately, a group is composed of six people.

WhiteMage>> I'm not homepointing.
WhiteMage>> Find me a Raise.
Dave>> There're no higher level White Mages in the area.
Dave>> We can't get a Raise.
WhiteMage>> I'm not homepointing.
WhiteMage>> You'd better find someone.
Dave>> Seriously, man.
Dave>> By the time we find someone AND they raise you...
Dave>> We could have made a ton of exp.
WhiteMage>> I don't care.
Dave>> What the hell is wrong with you?
Dave>> Why won't you homepoint?
WhiteMage>> I can't.
WhiteMage>> I set my homepoint in Bastok.
Dave>> Why would you do that?!
WhiteMage>> So I wouldn't have to walk.
Dave>> You're retarded.
WhiteMage>> Just find a raise.
Dave>> Sure.
Dave>> I'll just pull another White Mage out of my ass!
WhiteMage>> You're such a n00b.

I swear to God, if I had had a dragon that day, he'd still be being digested.

The entire party broke down because of one extremely idiotic White Mage. One jerk who was too selfish (and stupid) to set his homepoint nearby.

It was everything I could do not to yank the network card out of my computer and set it on fire.

Please. If you plan on going to Valkurm Dunes, you must take one of two precautions:

1) prepare yourself for the sheer madness you are about to experience

2) strike yourself about the face and head until you pass out

I, personally, would suggest number 2.


That's not a joke.

It'll save you time.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

My Second Day In Vana'Diel

Once I got the hang of things, I spent my first day leveling to twelve in the areas directly around San d'Oria.

Many an Orc died while I stood screaming "THIS IS FOR ALDO'S SISTER!!!"

But there comes a time in every young adventurer's life when they realize there must be more to the world than soloing in the starter areas.

It was time for me to head to Valkurm Dunes.

Now, I know what you're thinking. This is going to be a stupid "OMG TEH DUNEZ IZ TEH SUX!" post.

Oh no, my friend.

That's tomorrow.

If you reread the beginning of this post, you'll realize I hadn't even made it to the Dunes yet.

You see, I wanted to actually get to Valkurm. I really did.

Unfortunately, I had no idea how to get there.

Shut up. I was new.

So, I spent some time in La Theine Plateau asking people for directions.

Most people were... what's the opposite of helpful?

Oh yeah.


Anyway, I asked anyone going by while I soloed some more, when suddenly a nice Elvaan female came around a turn and agreed to help me.

I instantly knew that I was going to like this person.

She was level 14. For some reason, I assumed this meant she knew vastly more about the game than I did.

She showed me how to form a party and then she agreed to escort me to Valkurm so that I wouldn't get lost.

Nice, huh?

So, we start walking through the low hills when, off to the right, I notice a sheep.

No... sheep does not describe it properly.

It was a giant gray wall that bore a striking resemblance to a sheep.

Now, this sheep-wall hybrid was obviously not something you'd want to get too close to.


That made it all the funnier when my "escort" veered sharply to the right and ran directly toward it.

Dave>> What the hell are you doing?
Dave>> Why are you getting closer to that thing?

No answer.

I knew instantly that we were going to die.

Note to self: If anyone ever offers to help you, run in the other direction.

So, there we are, CDs still warm from the install and we're charging the King of all Sheeps.

Wait... That doesn't say sheep.

Dave>> Uhh...
Dave>> What's a Lumbering Lambert?

She didn't answer me, but luckily the game provided me with a fairly sound definition.

Lumbering Lambert (noun) - an enormous, homicidal sheep hellbent on getting justice for every sweater on our planet.

My escort ran toward this monstrocity.

Not only toward it. DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF IT.

He wasn't so much with the lumbering after that.

He was more like "Stomping On Your Goddamned Face" Lambert.

My face was defeated.

My face deleveled.

So, we're lying there on the ground, hoof marks still embedded in our skulls when I decide to ask.

Dave>> Why exactly did we do that?
Escort>> Oh.
Escort>> I wanted to get a screenshot.

On a completely unrelated note, it was around the end of day two that I really started hating people.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Fan Club Week!

It is that time again, my people. Time for me to show my appreciation for you readers.

It is you people and you people alone that keep me from going on an insane killing spree during which I would lay waste to the useless husks that pervade our society.

Also, if people stopped reading, I'd be talking to myself.

That'd be kind of sad.

I especially appreciate the people who go out of their way to support this blog just because they like it.

So to thank all of the readers who donated five dollars or more this month, I'll be sending out a fresh new giftpack filled with goodies. It'll include some exclusive stories, some fun pictures, detailed plans on my conquest for world domination, a fan club membership card, and some other cool items.


Did I mention the world domination thing?

You should probably ignore that.

Also, as always, the person who donates the most in any given month will be given the opportunity to take part in the blog. Meet [GM]Dave, impress your friends, get eaten by a dragon.

Note: if this actually impresses your friends, that's really sad. You may want to take the time to make new friends.

Anyway, this week I thought it would be fun to take a look back at my first few days in the game.

Before they gave me my god-like powers.

Can you imagine that I actually had to go through Valkurm without a dragon to kill people?

How do you people do it?

My first day was... odd.

I was playing on PC, so I went out and picked up a controller to make it a little easier.

Unfortunately, I had spent most (read: nearly all) of my money on alcohol and had to settle for a "budget" controller.

It had no analog sticks. Only a D-pad.

This, I would learn, was bad.

While setting up the controller, I had to set a certain axis to certain movements like moving my character or moving the camera.

My controller only had one axis.

Me, being an idiot, set my character movement, camera movement, and menu control all to the same axis.

Hilarity did not ensue.

Every movement caused my character to move and the camera to spin.

Imagine my excitement (read: nausea) at running through Port San d'Oria with the camera angle constantly spinning in every direction.



Once I figured out how to calibrate the controller properly (read: yanked that bitch out of my USB port and then introduced it to my good friend, Mr. Hammer), I set out to hone my skills as a noble warrior.

I quickly dashed out of the city to join the battle against the hordes of evil monsters.

What evil would I face outside the city walls? Orcs? Dragons?


Yes, bunnies.

I had to spend my first day killing bunnies.

When I find the Dev with the Monty Python sense of humor, I'm going to slap him to death.

This is how my very first conversation went.

Dave: Does anyone know what I do now?
Player>> You kill monsters to gain experience points.
Dave>> And where might I find these monsters?
Player>> Well, you're level 1...
Player>> So you should fight bunnies.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> Are you freakin' kidding?
Player>> No.
Player>> You level off of bunnies to start.
Dave>> And this is normal?
Dave>> Are bunnies a threat?
Player>> Well... no.
Dave>> Do they at least have rabies?
Dave>> Rabid bunnies might make sense.
Player>> Not really.
Player>> They can be kind of nasty.
Dave>> ... Wow.
Dave>> Bunnies with a bad disposition.
Dave>> I shake in terror.
Player>> Look... just make with the bunny killing.
Dave>> Right away.
Dave>> This fluffy scourge must be dealt with.
Dave>> Seriously. Are there any other monsters around here?
Player>> There are worms.
Dave>> Worms?
Player>> And beetles.
Player>> Oh! And sheep.
Dave>> Yay.
Dave>> I'm attacking a petting zoo.
Dave>> I suppose my first mission is to kill a box of kittens.
Player>> Everyone does it.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> That is so sad.

I felt very stupid attacking bunnies.

Very stupid.

And then I got my ass kicked by a bunny.

Very, very stupid.

I realize a new player has to start slow, but can we maybe come up with something better than bunnies and worms?

Like anything.

It's like they actively tried to find the two least dangerous animals on our planet and make them our first fighting experience.

It's really hard to feel proud about kicking some bunny ass.

It's even harder to feel proud about getting murdered by one.

Stupid rabbits.

Monday, July 24, 2006

So How Was Your Day?

Good evening all of you FFXI players.

Have a good day?


I wonder why...



We had maintenance today.

I don't know about you, but damn I had a good day.

The whole thing took us about twenty minutes. Twenty grueling minutes of software install.

I'm still a little tired from all of that work.

Unfortunately, that only left us with a little less than four hours to goof off and drink.

We invented a new game to pass the time. We call it "Forum Shots."

We got all of the GMs together and opened an FFXI forum. Everytime someone made a post about the update, we did a shot.

For a thread complaining about maintenance, we had to do two shots.

Then everytime someone posted a "what to do during maintenance" thread, we did five shots.

Now, think about that.

People actually have to put time and effort into figuring out what to do for FOUR HOURS.

This isn't an iron lung, people. You can actually disconnect and not die.

What did people do before FFXI?

Don't say Everquest.

Back on topic.

The drinking started to get a little heavy. We were surfing some of the medium-size forums.

It wasn't that bad, but you could tell people were starting to lose it.

Then someone opened Allakhazam.

Oh, the humanity.

You literally couldn't get the drinks down fast enough. You'd be hammering down a shot and then five more update threads would pop up.

I think one guy actually drowned to death.

It actually got so bad we had to extend the maintenance time by three extra hours just to recover.

Well... recover and dispose of the body.

By the time the servers actually came back up, I think it would be fair to say I was slightly inebriated.

Perhaps even intoxicated.

Maybe... Just maybe... Drunk off my ass.

I spent four and a half minutes wondering why a player wouldn't respond to my tells before I realized I was typing into the MS-DOS command prompt.

I just thought that c:/> guy was quiet.

Once I actually managed to log in and access the GM call queue, things got a little bit crazy.

I don't think I was even forming complete sentences.

This is an actual GM call and my response.

GM Call Description: Warp Taru glitch. Please help.

A pretty standard issue.

So, did I just log in and resolve the problem?

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Avdenture
[GM]Dave>> what da ???? do you want?

Short answer: no.

Player>> I finally got back in and the warp taru is glitching.
Player>> Is this an update issue?
[GM]Dave>> You know what I hate?
[GM]Dave>> Players.
[GM]Dave>> Players suck.
Player>> Uhh... okay...
[GM]Dave>> All you people do is bitch and whine.
[GM]Dave>> what about my needs?
Player>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
[GM]Dave>> OH! Now, you asked for it!


Player>> What are you doing?
[GM]Dave>> Say hello to a dragon.
[GM]Dave>> TP: 100% (( Ready to start skillchain! ))
[GM]Dave>> Damn macros.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Gimme a sec.
[GM]Dave starts casting haste on Player.
[GM]Dave>> DAMMIT!
Player>> Can I go, please?
[GM]Dave>> No use beggin now.
TP: 100% (( Ready to start skillchain! ))
[GM]Dave>> I think my fingers are drunk.
Player>> Listen...
Player>> The warp taru isn't that bad.
Player>> Can I go?

It took me fourteen minutes to find the right command.

Unfortunately, the player disconnected long before that.

Now, take that call and replay it forty times. That's been my evening so far.

Someone remind me to wipe the logs when I sober up, please.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

[GM]Dave Gives Back

I was in a great mood when I got to work today.

I mean a GREAT mood.

This, of course, had nothing to do with a weekend of crazy, freaky, wild sex.

Nothing at all.

That is, however, why I was limping when I came in.

Totally worth it.

Anyway, because I was in such a great mood, I decided to do something nice for someone.

Not random though.

I hate giving things to random people because I always wind up getting a complete moron. Some slack-jawed simpleton who drools on my shoes as he asks me for money.

Instead of that, I decided to choose someone from the fan club.

Converting to Davism does have its advantages.

So, I started combing through the e-mails I've received lately.

No. Not this one.

His character name has too many vowels.

This is a fantasy game, people. That means fantasy names, not names that cannot be pronounced with the human tongue.

So, he's out.

Nope. Not this girl, either.

She used an emoticon in her e-mail.

As I am neither twelve nor chatting on AOL, I'll assume she wasn't talking to me.

Here's one.

Good e-mail. No emo begging for help. Doesn't say Manthra.


I do a quick server check and then log into Odin so that I might rain good tidings on this lucky, lucky soul.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> How are things?
Huf>> Uhh...
Huf>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Good?
[GM]Dave>> Please, not so much detail.
Huf>> Did I do something wrong?
Huf>> Am I getting banned?
[GM]Dave>> Why do people ask me that?
Huf>> Well...
Huf>> You do kind of always ban people.
[GM]Dave>> True.
[GM]Dave>> I do tend to inspire fear.
[GM]Dave>> Lucky for you, you're not getting banned.
Huf>> ...
[GM]Dave>> What?
Huf>> I'm not sure if I should cheer about that just yet.
[GM]Dave>> Don't you have any faith?
Huf>> No.
Huf>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> That's probably a good plan.
Huf>> Okay... if I'm not in trouble...
Huf>> Why are you here?
[GM]Dave>> I'm in a good mood.
Huf>> Who are you?
Huf>> What'd you do to [GM]Dave?
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to let that slide.
[GM]Dave>> For now.
Huf>> Gotcha.
[GM]Dave>> I'm here to bestow good fortune upon you.
Huf>> Sweet.
Huf>> What does that mean?
[GM]Dave>> It means I'm going to do something nice.
[GM]Dave>> What do you want?
Huf>> Can we kill some gilsellers?
[GM]Dave>> That's it?
Huf>> Eh...
Huf>> I'm easy to please.
[GM]Dave>> It's your dime, man.
[GM]Dave>> How do you want to do it?
[GM]Dave>> Fiery sword?
[GM]Dave>> Explosive device?
Huf>> Can I feed them to Jormy?
[GM]Dave>> ... I guess that could be arranged.
Huf>> SWEET!
[GM]Dave>> You are easy to please.

So, we find a few gilsellers around the server and transport them to Mordion Gaol.

I was even kind enough to switch Huf's armor to look like GM gear.

I am a benevolent god.

[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That's only a loan, you realize.
Huf>> Oh.
Huf>> Still cool, though.
Huf>> Look! I'm all shimmery.
[GM]Dave>> I'm kind of used to it by now.
Huf>> So what do I do?
[GM]Dave>> Just tell me which one to kill first.
Huf>> Uhh...
Huf>> How about the Hume on the end?
[GM]Dave>> Sure.

Jormungand hits Hume for 14,752 points of damage.
Hume was defeated by Jormungand.

Huf>> Ha ha!
Huf>> That was awesome!
[GM]Dave>> Who's next?
Huf>> The Galka!
[GM]Dave>> Calm down.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, Jormy!
[GM]Dave>> Could you get Fatty there?

Jormungand hits Galka for 13,394 points of damage.
Galka was defeated by Jormungand.

We went through their number pretty quick.

Then we only had one left. A frail little Taru Thief.


Jormungand hits Huf for 18,940 points of damage.
Huf was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> See...
[GM]Dave>> He really doesn't like being ordered around.

Still, I think he enjoyed the experience.

It's nice helping people.

Friday, July 21, 2006

I Warned Her


I warned Susan several times.

Almost every other day, I warned her about using a windower program when she was playing FFXI.

I tried to tell her we could detect that.

Of course, what the hell would a GM know?

Then the news finally came down today. 2000 accounts suspended or banned for using windower.

And guess who was on the list.

I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

Here's a hint.

Hell hath no fury like a woman temp suspended for 72 hours.

Then things got really fun. She called me.


[GM]Dave>> Hi, honey.
[GM]Dave>> How's your day...
Susan>> SHUT IT!
Susan>> Fix it.
[GM]Dave>> Fix what, dear?
Susan>> FIX IT NOW!
[GM]Dave>> Susan honey...
[GM]Dave>> Calm down.
[GM]Dave>> On the bright side, we could go to a movie.
[GM]Dave>> Or dinner maybe.
Susan>> #%&@ YOUR DINNER!
[GM]Dave>> That would probably make it inedible, dear.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not a chef, but...
[GM]Dave>> You never call to talk anymore.
Susan>> UNBAN ME NOW!!!

Wait... Did she say unban?

Let me check that list again...

Nope, she's just temp-suspended.

She'll be so relieved when I tell her.


I should tell her.


Maybe tomorrow.

[GM]Dave>> Sorry, sweetie.
[GM]Dave>> No can do.
Susan>> WHY NOT?!
[GM]Dave>> I'm very busy right now.
[GM]Dave>> Working on a very imporant report.
[GM]Dave>> Let's see...
[GM]Dave>> Black seven on a red eight.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Minesweeper got boring.
[GM]Dave>> And I was tired of crafting.
[GM]Dave>> If I did that, you wouldn't learn anything.
Susan>> @#$%#@ @#$% @#$% &*%$%^
[GM]Dave>> Tsk tsk tsk.
[GM]Dave>> Such language.
Susan>> I'm going to KILL YOU!
[GM]Dave>> We could settle this in Ballista.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Yeah... The ban...
[GM]Dave>> My bad.
Susan>> You have to do something.
[GM]Dave>> I really can't.
[GM]Dave>> They deleted all of the characters.
Susan>> DELETED?!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> I barely had time to log onto your character and take your stuff.

At that point, I heard the phone drop from her ear.

Then there was some screaming.

She may have also alluded to me having improper physical contact with my mother.


Susan>> You're going to fix this.
[GM]Dave>> There's really nothing I can do.
Susan>> You're not listening.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe you could play WoW.
[GM]Dave>> I heard that's kind of fun.
Susan>> If you ever want to have sex again...
[GM]Dave>> I do so like the sex.
Susan>> ...
Susan>> If you fix this...
Susan>> I will do things to you that you can't imagine.
Susan>> Or even spell.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> This may require some major hacking.
Susan>> Things you can't even imagine.
[GM]Dave>> Let me get right on that.

About a half hour later, I called her and told her I managed to change it to a temp-suspension.

She was quite pleased.

Now, a noble man would be kind to her. A noble man would explain the situation, laugh about it, and not hold her to any promises.

I'm so damned glad I'm not a noble man.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Dear Lord, SHUT UP!

Why do people anger me so?

I want everyone to do me a favor. Repeat the following sentence:

"I don't own anything in the game."

Say it again.

And again.

Now, keep saying it until it becomes ingrained in your brain.

If you're having trouble, you may want to warm up a bit by trying to put something else in your brain.

Like a bullet.

You don't own a monster.

You don't.

You don't own a camp site.

You don't.

You sure as hell don't own any treasure chests or coffers.

You don't, you don't, you don't.

Yes, I know.

You really need that treasure chest. You really need that coffer.

I'm sure it has your insulin in it.

Still not yours.

You can't call it. You can't shout dibs.

There will be no shotgunning the treasure chests.

If you get there first, you get to open it.

If you get there second, you get to shut the hell up.

I am so sick and Goddamned tired of people calling me to complain about someone stealing their chest.

This afternoon, I had had enough. I snapped.

Can you blame me?

I was already having a bad day. I had crit failed a major synth and lost some very expensive materials.

My bottle of Jack Daniel's had also run dry.

Not good.

And then, I got the GM call.

GM Call Description: Please help. Player stole my treasure chest.

My treasure chest.

MY treasure chest.

Hold on a second... Let me chesk something...


You're not listed in the credits.

I must point out this oversight.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Mr. Chest is it?
Player>> No.
Player>> That's not my name.
[GM]Dave>> Your name isn't "Treasure Chest"?
Player>> lol
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> So your name wasn't on the chest.
[GM]Dave>> Glad we could clear that up.
Player>> No, but I told that guy that I wanted the chest.
Player>> I needed it for my RSE.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> And he opened it anyway.
[GM]Dave>> A player opened a treasure chest?
[GM]Dave>> Let me call Ripley's.
Player>> But he didn't even need the chest.
Player>> He just took it because it was there.
[GM]Dave>> He's allowed to do that.
Player>> But he didn't need it.
Player>> I need it.
Player>> He shouldn't have taken it.
[GM]Dave>> We need to make a small clarification.
[GM]Dave>> You didn't need the chest.
Player>> Yes, I did.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted the chest.
[GM]Dave>> You did not need it.
Player>> You don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, I do.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted the chest and someone opened it.
[GM]Dave>> And you're crying like an eight-year-old girl.
[GM]Dave>> Did I miss something?
Player>> But I really need to get that item.
[GM]Dave>> Will you die if you don't get it?
Player>> No.
Player>> Of course not.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
Player>> That guy should be punished for taking the chest.
[GM]Dave>> For taking the chest?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> The free, unopened treasure chest?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> I have to ask...
[GM]Dave>> Is your brain AFK right now?
Player>> You GMs are totally useless.
Player>> You never do anything.

And there it is.

If there's a button you don't want to push, it's that one.

[GM]Dave>> Well, gee, Mr. Player sir.
[GM]Dave>> What if I gave you a free chest to open?
Player>> You can do that?
[GM]Dave>> Sure.
Player>> Well, that sounds okay.
[GM]Dave>> I thought it would.


[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> Ready for anything.
[GM]Dave>> Let's hope so.
Player>> What?


Player>> Wait...
Player>> Where are we?
[GM]Dave>> I couldn't just make a new chest appear.
[GM]Dave>> Someone might have taken it again.
[GM]Dave>> So I made it spawn in Mordion Gaol.
Player>> Good thinking.
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead and open it.
Player>> Okay.

Player Obtains Dragon Bait.

Player>> Huh?
Player>> What's this for?

Jormungand hits Player for 13,988 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Whoops.
[GM]Dave>> He says that was his chest.
[GM]Dave>> You probably shouldn't have taken it.

I've tried.

I really have.

Do you think I like hating people? I don't.

I've tried really, really hard not to despise the players.

It's very hard, but I've tried.

Unfortunately, everytime I start to make some progress someone has to do something that makes me dislike the entire human race.

Not just the players. I mean every person on the planet.

I slapped a kid in the face yesterday because you undercut at the AH.

That's totally your fault.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Irony, Thy Name Is Gilseller

I need to lie down.

This has been possibly the most retarded day that has ever been.

Honestly, I cannot even begin to explain the sheer stupidity of today's events, so I will simply relate them as they happened.

I was on the night shift and was working very late. This, of course, meant three things:

1) I had been drinking quite a bit

2) I was half asleep (except replace half with completely)

3) I was not in the mood to deal with people.

Was this the stupid part of the day?

Hell, no.

Those three things are usually true when I'm working anyway.

So, I'm getting some crafting done and sending random morons to Mordion Gaol for inflating the prices of my materials.

Player-controlled economy my ass. You mess with my profits and I'm going to cut you.

Suddenly, I get a GM call.

GM Call Description: GM help! Player disturb me. He use 3rd software. Please to interfere, and to punish.


Somewhere the english language is crying itself to sleep.

Why does that player name sound familiar though?

I quickly flip through the special red folder on my desk. This folder contains the names of every suspected gilseller.

I call it my "Shoot On Sight" list.

And there he is.

A gilseller reporting a gilseller.

Now, you're probably thinking that this must be the stupidity of which I speak.


Not even close.

We get calls from gilsellers about gilsellers all the time.

That's nothing new.

But don't worry. It's coming.

Because I always have to slow down and gaze upon the train wreck that is humanity, I logged in and sent the "customer" a tell.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted to report a kettle for being black?
Player>> Hello to you.
Player>> Please to help us.
[GM]Dave>> English called.
[GM]Dave>> It says "Please, stop."
Player>> Other player cheating.
Player>> He use 3rd software.
[GM]Dave>> Well... you'd know, wouldn't you?
Player>> Please. We ask you.
[GM]Dave>> Tell you what...
[GM]Dave>> Why don't the three of us discuss this?


Now, I want to describe the scene for you.

We're in Mordion Gaol. On one side, I have a level 75 Rank 1 Red Mage.

Yes, I said Rank 1.

On the other side, I have a level 75 Ninja who, as we speak, is cycling through targets in the room and attempting to provoke.

Also Rank 1.

Words fail me.

[GM]Dave>> I have brought you both here to discuss cheating.
Player>> Why we are here?
Player>> He is cheater.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> He filed a report against you, too.
Player>> What?!
Player>> We are innocent.
[GM]Dave>> That's not what he says.
[GM]Dave>> Isn't that right?


[GM]Dave>> See?
Player>> ...
Player>> He did not say.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, he did.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have anything else to say?


[GM]Dave>> He said what about my mother?!
Player>> He lie.
Player>> He lie.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to refer this file to a committee.

Jormungand hits Player for 15,682 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> It's not looking good.

So, I ban the two of them.

Two less gilsellers in the world. Good shift, right?

Not so much.


GM Call Description: Player disappear. Please to help.

Yes. A gilseller calling a GM to find a gilseller who called a GM to report a gilseller.

My life is surreal.

Do they not understand the point of a GM?

By the time my shift was over, I banned six more gilsellers who all called me about the first gilseller.

It was like a train of stupid.

I think I banned one guy twice.


My head hurts. I need to lie down.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

[GM]Dave Does Not Play Favorites

This is a public service announcement.

There seems to be this huge misunderstanding among players that we GMs play favorites.

No, no, no. I don't just mean JP players.

I can't go a single damned day without seeing some crap about how we play favorites and treat certain groups better.

Personally, I am very insulted by that.

I treat everyone equally.

Equally poorly, but equally nonetheless.

I'm an equal opportunity sadist.

Why would I treat anyone better than anyone else?

There's no money in it.

My favorite, my absolute favorite, of these kind of people is the people who decide to start a movement.

No one cares if you had a bad experience with a GM.



No one.

But every day or so, I get another GM call from someone trying to end the scourge of unfair treatment.

Today's was just horribly ironic.

GM Call Description: GMs are mistreating NA players.

I want you to really think about that for a second.

Someone from North America sent a GM call to complain that GMs abuse North American players.

My days are surreal.

I suppose painting a target on his chest would have been too difficult.

Since he went to all of the trouble of actually requesting a beating, it would be rude of me not to oblige.

Don't want to mistreat an NA player, you know.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're a fan of irony.
Player>> We're sick of this crap.
[GM]Dave>> What crap are we sick of?
Player>> Not you.
[GM]Dave>> We're not sick of me?
[GM]Dave>> That's good to know.
Player>> No, no.
Player>> I meant "we" doesn't include you.
[GM]Dave>> You lost me.
[GM]Dave>> Who does "we" include?
Player>> The players.
[GM]Dave>> And you are their official representative?
Player>> ...
Player>> No.
Player>> I'm trying to make a point.
[GM]Dave>> "Trying" may be a strong word.
[GM]Dave>> I think "failing" would be more apt.
Player>> We, the players, are sick of this crap.
[GM]Dave>> What crap are you sick of?
Player>> Unfair treatment by GMs.
Player>> It has to stop.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> I'm lost again.
[GM]Dave>> How specifically were you mistreated?
Player>> Oh, I haven't been.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm having a stroke.
Player>> I'm just sick of how we're being treated.
Player>> GMs don't care about players.
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> That's wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> If I worked at Old Navy...
[GM]Dave>> Would I give a shit what your jeans looked like?
Player>> You're supposed to treat people fairly.
[GM]Dave>> We do.
[GM]Dave>> I don't care about Japanese players either.
Player>> We're going to do something, you know.
Player>> We'll all stop playing.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you are a fan of irony.
[GM]Dave>> Something must be done.
[GM]Dave>> Let me help you out with that threat.
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Well, I've banned people for being stupid before.
[GM]Dave>> If I didn't ban you, it might seem unfair.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> I was just trying to make a point.
[GM]Dave>> You don't feel like playing anymore.
[GM]Dave>> Point taken.
Player>> You can't do this.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, this was your idea.
[GM]Dave>> It's out of my hands.
Player>> No, it's not.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> Kind of a gray area, really.
Player>> I just wanted the mistreatment to end.
[GM]Dave>> Well, then this is a good news bad news situation...

The good news was that he never again had to fear unfair treatment at the hands of us heartless GMs.

Bad news = Deluxe package.

Remember, people: fair isn't everyone getting treated the same.

Fair is everyone shutting the hell up and stopping bothering me before I have to feed you to a dragon.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Putting the Fun In Funeral

We got some kind of bad news a couple of days ago.

It seems Susan's grandmother passed away.

I say kind of bad because no one really liked her.

Still, Susan was a little broken up by the news, so we got our things together and went out to her parents house for the funeral.

I was going to stay home, but I could tell that she would really need me to comfort her.

Also, I found out the wake was going to be open bar.

So, we were at the wake talking to Susan's family when she noticed that her little cousin Billy was standing in the corner looking sad.

Susan>> Dave, why don't you go talk to him?
[GM]Dave>> Well... I don't like people.
[GM]Dave>> And I'm no science teacher...
[GM]Dave>> But he seems like a people.
Susan>> Honey...
Susan>> Don't make me hurt you.
[GM]Dave>> You don't scare me.
Susan>> Two words: Lorena Bobbitt.
[GM]Dave>> So, I'll just go talk to the kid.
Susan>> Thank you, dear.

I walk over to the kid and right away I can tell he doesn't want to talk to me.

Honestly, I can't blame him. I was up until 2 am on a Dynamis run and I've been drinking heavily.

Mr. Rogers I'm not.

Still, since I enjoy having my genitals still attached to my body, I soldier on and start a conversation.

[GM]Dave>> Why are you so sad?
[GM]Dave>> Who died?


Apparently, he wasn't in the laughing mood.

[GM]Dave>> What's the difference between your grandmother and a seed?

He looked at me for a second, a little glimmer of hope in his eyes.

Perhaps I knew something that would put this all in perspective.

Billy>> I don't know. What?
[GM]Dave>> About 12 hours.

Billy burst into tears and took off running.

Damned emotional eight year olds.

On the positive side, I got him out of the corner.

Susan>> What happened?
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure.
Susan>> What did you say?
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> I asked if he liked gardening.
Susan>> That's it?
[GM]Dave>> That may not have been my exact words.
Susan>> Huh...
Susan>> That's weird.
[GM]Dave>> You know kids.

Fast forward to the funeral.

We're standing around after they just put her Grandmother in the ground and I notice Billy off by himself again.

Should I leave him alone in his grief or go talk to him again?

I'm starting to think I may be pure evil.

[GM]Dave>> What's the difference between your grandmother and a seed?

He wasn't quite sure what to say.

Billy>> ...
Billy>> I don't know. What?
[GM]Dave>> About five and a half feet.

So, he runs off again.

And Susan comes up to me again.

And she thinks it's my fault AGAIN.

Susan>> What did you do?
[GM]Dave>> I have no idea.
[GM]Dave>> Damn, that kid hates gardening.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Please Stand By...


So you've all been waiting for the big July update with the brand new expansion quests and missions, and the new chocobo raising.

I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is that the update is going ahead. There will be a July update.


The bad news is that it doesn't include new expansion quests.

Or missions.

Or chocobo raising.

None of it.


I think we're fixing one of the fonts or something.


It's all very technical.

All I know is I get four free hours to drink without having to listen to any moronic calls about how someone stole your money/stuff/girlfriend.

But, you know what? Shit happens.

It's not exactly easy to get all of this stuff to work in the first place.

, it all has to be integrated into the system.

THEN, then we have to deal with all the problems that arise from the update.

Sometimes we have to delay things to make sure they work right.

See, we're doing this for you guys. You should be thanking us.

Stop laughing.

I said stop.

Quite frankly, we're a little sick of the constant update bitchfest.

Every damned time we have an update, we get flooded with a mountain of retarded GM calls.

We actually get two categories of calls about the updates:

1) We want the update now. Hurry up.

2) The update is broken. You should have spent more time on it.

Now, does anyone else see a problem with this?

If you're going to bitch at us to hurry the hell up, you can't turn around and bitch that we hurried the update.

I mean, the update isn't for another week and we already have people complaining about it.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Today, I had enough.

I decided that the first GM call with a moron whining about the update would inolve a dragon.


GM Call Description: Problem with Update.

Seriously. Murder should be legal in certain situations.

How in the hell could someone have a problem with an update that won't occur for another nine days?

And what kind of functionally retarded ass would make an "emergency" call about it?

I took a nice, deep breath (followed by half of a bottle of whisky) and logged in.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you've mastered time travel.
Player>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> Well... you're having trouble with the update.
[GM]Dave>> An update that won't happen for nine days.
[GM]Dave>> I can only assume you've come back to warn us.
[GM]Dave>> Did we break the intarweb?
[GM]Dave>> Did we invent Skynet?
Player>> No, no.
Player>> That's not what I'm calling about.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> That would have been awesome.
Player>> ...
Player>> I want to complain about the update.
[GM]Dave>> They still have whiny bitches in the future?
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> I thought we'd find a cure for emo.
Player>> That's not very nice.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I have a low tolerance for idiots.
Player>> Why aren't they putting the new chocobos in?
Player>> That's absolute bullshit.
Player>> We shouldn't have to wait.

See, now this bothers me.

If you are seriously upset that you have to wait for a colored chocobo, I think you've crossed a line.

Maybe it's time to logout for a little while. You need a break.

[GM]Dave>> They're just colored chocobos.
[GM]Dave>> I'm pretty sure you'll survive.
Player>> But we want them now.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you serious?
[GM]Dave>> Is that really your argument?
Player>> We've waited long enough.
[GM]Dave>> It's like talking to a five year old.
[GM]Dave>> Can I talk to your mommy please?
Player>> Do you know what the problem is?
[GM]Dave>> Oh please, Mr. Oracle.
[GM]Dave>> Enlighten me with your wisdom.
Player>> You don't respect your customers.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> Of course, I'm usually stuck talking to morons.
[GM]Dave>> There're probably some customers I'd like.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe.
Player>> We deserve more than this.
[GM]Dave>> I'd like to give you what you deserve.
[GM]Dave>> Sadly, mailing a hand grenade is expensive.
Player>> Did you just THREATEN ME?!
[GM]Dave>> I wouldn't say threaten.
[GM]Dave>> I'd say "creative problem-solving".
Player>> I want to file a complaint.


[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> The complaints manager gets a little cranky.
Player>> Now.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe we should just talk this over.
Player>> I want the complaints manager.
Player>> NOW DAMMIT!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> I tried.


Player>> ...
Player>> Wait...
Player>> What am I doing in jail?

Jormungand hits Player for 13,063 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I did warn you.
[GM]Dave>> He gets cranky.

Listen. We know you want your new chocobos.

We're doing the best we can.

If it's that big a deal, I think you have bigger problems than riding a big, colored chicken.

So, why don't we all calm down, you'll shut up, and I won't have to feed you to a dragon.

It's a win-win situation.

Well... more like win-not get ingested.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

So Much For That

Well... the Mentor thing really didn't work out. [GM]Fetus isn't going to make it here.

Probably for the best. I'm sure he would have started to get cranky around naptime, anyway.

Plus, I had to watch over that boy for entire shifts. This was seriously cutting into my crafting/drinking time.

Damn, though. I really thought I could mold that boy into something great, something fantastic.

Another me.

But that dream went down the tubes awfully damned fast yesterday.

I caught him... oh God, it's almost too horrible to say...

I caught him actually resolving a problem for a customer.

He didn't even use sarcasm or anything.

Great. Just great.

If word of this gets out, I'm going to have thousands of morons who'll expect me to solve their problems, too.

Monosyllabic GM calls will flood in.

Punctuation will be beaten mercilessly.

Oh, the humanity.

Then came the last straw.

[GM]Dave>> Is this my coffee?
[GM]Fetus>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And the cream is where exactly?
[GM]Fetus>> Oh...
[GM]Fetus>> I forgot.

I mean, how freaking retarded is that?

Obviously, I would have to destroy him.

[GM]Dave>> Fetus, we need to talk.
[GM]Fetus>> Why do you keep calling me that?
[GM]Fetus>> My name is [GM]Darkwingslayer.
[GM]Dave>> We're not having that conversation again.
[GM]Dave>> I refuse to call you Darkwingduck or whatever.
[GM]Dave>> You sound like a retarded Anne Rice character.

[GM]Fetus>> What about [GM]Sephiroth?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
[GM]Fetus>> Fine. Whatever.
[GM]Fetus>> I'll have to figure out a name tomorrow.
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> I've got good news and bad news on that.
[GM]Fetus>> What's the good news?
[GM]Dave>> You have the day off tomorrow.
[GM]Fetus>> Oh... okay then.
[GM]Fetus>> And the bad news?
[GM]Dave>> Same as the good news.
[GM]Dave>> Only applied to every day thereafter.
[GM]Fetus>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Are you any good with analogies?
[GM]Fetus>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> Imagine being a GM is like a job.
[GM]Fetus>> But it is a job.
[GM]Dave>> Now, imagine you're being fired from that job.
[GM]Dave>> With me so far?
[GM]Fetus>> I'M FIRED?!
[GM]Dave>> I prefer to call it "involuntary quitting".
[GM]Dave>> It's just like quitting...
[GM]Dave>> Only instead of quitting, you're fired.
[GM]Fetus>> This is ridiculous!
[GM]Fetus>> What am I being fired for?
[GM]Dave>> Inappropriate behavior.
[GM]Fetus>> I didn't do anything inappropriate!
[GM]Dave>> That's not what the logs say.
[GM]Dave>> On an unrelated note, you should change your password.
[GM]Fetus>> You can't fire me.
[GM]Fetus>> You're not my boss.
[GM]Dave>> Damn. You got me there.
[GM]Dave>> Don't I look silly.
[GM]Dave>> If only it was my job to review your performance.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Wait a second...
[GM]Dave>> That is my job!
[GM]Dave>> Isn't that funny.
[GM]Fetus>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> I get that a lot.

Just to be certain he couldn't do any more damage, I filed a serious report with our supervisor detailing several procedural errors he made while working.

I also "borrowed" his keys and filled the back seat of his car with some office supplies.

Like a computer.

Then, an anonymous tip came in and suddenly, [GM]Fetus was no longer employed here.

It's okay, though. He would have made a terrible me.

You know, having human emotions and all that.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Mentor Status

It's about damned time.

All my hard work has finally paid off.

My supervisor walked up to my desk this morning with a funny look on his face.

I instantly got ready to erase all of my files and format my harddrive.

Force of habit.

But he wasn't there to bother me. Oh no. He was there to give me some glorious, beautiful news.

They gave me a trainee to supervise.


There's no feeling like having a young impressionable mind that you can warp and bend to your will, a blank canvas on which you can paint your own twisted vision.

This must be what it feels like to be a parent.

They brought the young man to my desk.

Perhaps "young" is not a strong enough word. This boy was practically a fetus.

I actually had to check and see if he had an umbilical cord.

Still, he had potential. I could see a faint ember of cruelty in his eye.

The force is strong in this one.

I just needed to fan that flame.

Or throw gasoline on it.

I walked him to his desk, showed him how to log in, and then we answered our first GM call.

GM Call Description: Player monopolizing NM

Perfect. Just the right amount of stupid for this boy to cut his teeth on.

[GM]Dave>> Okay. How do you want to handle this?
[GM]Fetus>> Well... the manual says...
[GM]Dave>> HAHAHAHA!!!
[GM]Dave>> That's pretty funny.
[GM]Fetus>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> The GM Manual.
[GM]Dave>> That's priceless.
[GM]Fetus>> I'm serious.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> We have a lot of work to do.
[GM]Dave>> Fine. Tell me how you'd handle it.
[GM]Fetus>> We have to log in and speak with the player.
[GM]Fetus>> And then we have to review the logs.
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no.
[GM]Dave>> Christ, what are they teaching you people?
[GM]Fetus>> That's what the manual says to do.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else the manual says?
[GM]Fetus>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Shut the hell up!
[GM]Dave>> Now, log in and follow my instructions.

So we both log into the server and warp over to the player's location.

[GM]Fetus>> Good day, Adventurer.
[GM]Fetus>> I hope this Firesday meets you well.
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Don't mind him.
[GM]Dave>> He's new.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> Cool.
[GM]Dave>> So what's up?
[GM]Fetus>> You're not roleplaying.
[GM]Dave>> Don't make me slap you.
Player>> ... Yeah.
Player>> That guy has been monopolizing this NM for days.
Player>> He's here 24 hours a day.
[GM]Fetus>> We'd better check the logs for this player.
[GM]Dave>> And why would we do that?
[GM]Fetus>> This player says...
[GM]Dave>> Sweet lord.
[GM]Dave>> You're not actually listening to a player, are you?
[GM]Fetus>> Of course I am.
[GM]Fetus>> We're here to serve the players.

I literally fell off my chair at this point, I was laughing so hard.

[GM]Dave>> We don't actually listen to the players.
[GM]Dave>> They're more like pets.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Down, boy.
[GM]Fetus>> I thought we were supposed to...
[GM]Dave>> We're only supposed to do one thing.
[GM]Dave>> And that's ban people.
[GM]Fetus>> But what about the person being reported?
[GM]Dave>> We don't have any actual proof.
[GM]Dave>> Even the logs won't do anything.
[GM]Fetus>> So we let him go?
[GM]Dave>> No. We ban him anyway.
[GM]Dave>> Are you not paying attention?
[GM]Fetus>> But you said we don't have any proof.
[GM]Dave>> I don't get your point.
[GM]Fetus>> I'm confused.
[GM]Dave>> Let's take it one step at a time.
[GM]Dave>> This player right here... Say hi, Player.
Player>> ... Uhh... Hi?
[GM]Dave>> This guy sent an unnecessary GM call.
[GM]Dave>> And that is bad.
[GM]Dave>> And when a player does bad things, we...
[GM]Fetus>> Ban them?
[GM]Dave>> I like the way you think.
[GM]Dave>> I'd have gone with torture and humiliation.
[GM]Dave>> But I do respect efficiency.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> You're banning ME?!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Get used to that.
[GM]Dave>> They're kind of slow.
Player>> Are you talking about me?
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> It's like taking care of a grade 3 class.
Player>> You can't say that.
[GM]Dave>> A grade 3 special ed class.
Player>> I am soo getting you fired.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, Fetus...
[GM]Dave>> Could you go get me a coffee?
[GM]Fetus>> Now?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, please.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just start the paperwork on this guy.
[GM]Fetus>> Oh.
[GM]Fetus>> Okay.

I smile nicely and let Fetus get out of sight.

[GM]Dave>> So...

[GM]Dave>> Do you like dragons?

I think Fetus is going to make a good GM.

I just have to break him of this whole "we help people" thing.

We're here to serve the players...

That shit is hilarious.

Monday, July 10, 2006

[GM]Dave Casts Firaga III.

Today, I was thrust outside into this stupid "real world" I keep hearing people talk about.

Still not impressed, by the way.

Seriously. We invented houses for a goddamned reason.

If outside was so great, then why does everyone want a house?

I did not go outside of my own volition as one might expect, but was instead forced to leave my home by unbearable heat.

Damn this planet and the sun that rotates around it.

I'm not exactly sure why it was so hot inside my place, but at one point I was considering pulling the liquid cooling system from my PC and wrapping it around my brain.

That's hot.

So, since I was outside, I decided to have a barbecue.

If I'm going to be outside, I might as well eat food, right?

I fire up the grill.

Lighter fluid, lighter fluid, lighter fluid.

[GM]Dave>> FIRAGA III!!!

I pretend not to notice Susan shaking her head as I throw the match.

Things are going nicely. I'm grilling some nice Dhalmel steaks or something when one of my neighbors walks up to me.

Before we even start, let me explain how much I dislike this.

I did not ask to speak with this person. I did not in any way signal that I wanted to have a conversation.

I am already annoyed at being outside and now I have to deal with the Morlocks that inhabit this strange realm.

Moving on...

Now, let me set the picture. I'm standing in my yard in front of a blazing grill. I am wearing an apron that says "If you can read this, GO THE HELL AWAY!"

Yeah. I so want to talk to people.

Now, I am struck with two choices here:

a) I can take the metal spatula, hold it against the hot grill, and then slap him in the face with it.

This, of course, would be highly amusing, but since I do not want to be on Season 2 of Prison Break...

b) I can go out of my way to make this person leave.

How hard could that be?

Neighbor>> Hey there.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Susan...
[GM]Dave>> There's a person on me.
Neighbor>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Susan...
Neighbor>> Having a barbecue?

I'm standing in front of a grill upon which meat is being cooked via fire.

It is literally just a foot in front of this person.

Does he think this is just an elaborate ruse we like to perform on hot days?

[GM]Dave>> Who told you?
Neighbor>> Told me what?
[GM]Dave>> Who told you about the barbecue?
[GM]Dave>> This is classified.
Neighbor>> I don't understand...
Neighbor>> Nobody.
Neighbor>> I saw the grill and figured it out.
[GM]Dave>> DEAR LORD! You're a detective!
[GM]Dave>> Quickly! Other crimes need solving!
Neighbor>> What in the hell are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> You need a van.
[GM]Dave>> You can't solve mysteries without a van.
Neighbor>> Hey, lady!
Neighbor>> Is this guy crazy or something?
Susan>> Probably.
Susan>> I try not to ask him things.
[GM]Dave>> I don't like things.
Neighbor>> So...
Neighbor>> Hot, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> What are you doing?
Neighbor>> I'm making small talk.
[GM]Dave>> Why exactly?
Neighbor>> I'm being nice.
Neighbor>> It's what people do.
[GM]Dave>> Huh.
[GM]Dave>> I didn't get that.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else people do?
Neighbor>> What?
[GM]Dave>> They go the hell away.
[GM]Dave>> That's a good plan, too.
[GM]Dave>> Let's try that one.
Neighbor>> Are you trying to get me to leave?
[GM]Dave>> Unsuccessfully, so far.
[GM]Dave>> I am still, however, hopeful.
Neighbor>> Fine.
Neighbor>> I'm leaving.
You probably should.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sure others are not being bothered.
[GM]Dave>> You should get right on that.
Neighbor>> You know something...
Neighbor>> You're a jerk.

Anyone know a good lawyer that specializes in spatula-related assault cases?

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Number 101!!!

Oh shut up.

I can celebrate anything I want to.

So I had an early shift yesterday. Very early.

As you may have guessed, I'm not a morning person. If it happens before 11 am, I really don't give a damn.

Since it was still quite a few hours until NA primetime, I had plenty of time to get some paperwork done.

This, of course, meant that I was asleep at my desk.


At 6 am, your problems don't exist to me.

They really don't.

I don't care if someone is selling gil on top of your MPKed corpse while someone else is stealing your King Behemoth.

If it's 6 am in the morning, you can kiss my ass.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten to turn off my speakers earlier.


Hey! A GM call! At 6am!

I apparently haven't fed enough people to dragons if someone feels the need to bother me this early.

What the hell could anyone want this early?

GM Call Description: JP player warp 2'ed me.

HOLY SHIT! An NA player is having a problem with a JP player!

OH CHRIST!!! Water is wet!!!

Listen. No one hates you because you're from North America.

They hate you because you're an idiot.

I don't think I'd call that a cultural difference.

But someone has made the mistake of bothering me at 6 am.

This cannot be tolerated.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you do not understand time.
Player>> I think you have the wrong guy.
[GM]Dave>> You'd better hope so.
[GM]Dave>> Let's play a game shall we?
Player>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> What time is it?
Player>> You mean here?
[GM]Dave>> No. What's the time in Sweden?
[GM]Dave>> Of course I mean there, you retard.
Player>> ... uhh...
Player>> It's 6 am.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. Same here.
[GM]Dave>> And 6 am is in the...
Player>> Morning?
[GM]Dave>> Correct. Good job.
[GM]Dave>> Last question.
Player>> Shoot.
[GM]Dave>> Don't tempt me.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Nevermind.
[GM]Dave>> And at 6 am, you should be...
Player>> Sleeping?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> That's incorrect.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah. The correct answer was...
[GM]Dave>> What the hell do you want?
Player>> ... Uhh... This JP player...
Player>> ... He warp 2'ed me and...
[GM]Dave>> Hey! Great story!
[GM]Dave>> I wonder who'll play you in the movie.
Player>> This is serious.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing is serious at 6 am.
Player>> They kicked me out of a party without telling me.
Player>> And then the Black Mage warp 2'ed me.
[GM]Dave>> Sucks to be you.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Player>> It's not fair.
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to regret asking this.
[GM]Dave>> Why'd they boot you?
Player>> I don't know.
Player>> I was just doing my job and meleeing the mob.
[GM]Dave>> That's it?
Player>> Well... I was back-up healing, too.
[GM]Dave>> ... Back-up healing?
Player>> Yeah. I'm a Red Mage.
[GM]Dave>> You're a Red Mage...
[GM]Dave>> And you were meleeing.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> Now, isn't it wrong that they booted me?
[GM]Dave>> Hell yeah it is.
Player>> Damn right.
[GM]Dave>> I'd have killed you, personally.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I guess they couldn't be bothered to kill you.
[GM]Dave>> That's the problem with today's youth.
[GM]Dave>> No work ethic.
Player>> Are you kidding?!
[GM]Dave>> Do I sound like I'm kidding?
Player>> This is ridiculous.
Player>> They should be suspended.
[GM]Dave>> Let me get right on that.
[GM]Dave>> Right after I cure cancer.
Player>> You've got to do something.
[GM]Dave>> I am doing something.
[GM]Dave>> I'm deleting your content IDs.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> WHY?!
[GM]Dave>> You woke me up.
[GM]Dave>> Also, I'm bored.
Player>> You can't do that!!!
Player>> I'm a customer!
[GM]Dave>> You're a meleeing Red Mage.
[GM]Dave>> You no longer have any rights.
Player>> You can't just delete my character!
Player>> YOU CAN'T!!!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> Cause this Delete button disagrees.
[GM]Dave>> Let's see who's right, shall we?


[GM]Dave>> Still there?

Your tell could not be received. The player may have changed areas or may have been banned from the game and is now re-evaluating their life while crying like a little girl with a scraped knee.

[GM]Dave>> Looks like the Delete button was right.
[GM]Dave>> I love that button.

Everyone do me a favor, okay?

If it's earlier than 11 am, we're going to pretend that the GM call menu doesn't exist.

It'll be fun.

Also, I won't be forced to destroy you.