Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Apparently, some people didn't find yesterday's post that funny. Not a lot of people mind you, but a few people made very good points about the article.

Looking back at it, I can kind of see where they're coming from. Perhaps I may have been a little insensitive.

Okay... I was really insensitive.

I was the exact opposite of sensitive.

In my defense, I've never claimed to be a sensitive person. My sense of humor tends to be very dark and morose.

Perhaps it has something to do with the swirling, black vortex of hate where my heart is supposed to be.

Still, I try not to be offensive to anyone who doesn't really deserve it.

This guy probably didn't.

Since the people who commented on it made clear and rational points, I'm going to take them as constructive criticism and avoid stories of this nature.

This stuff is supposed to make people laugh, not encourage them to sharpen pointy things and chase me through town.

It's cool if I still make fun of retarded people, right?

That guy in the movie theater who leaves his phone on despite the ELEVEN THOUSAND warnings about it...

He's still open game, right?


This is what happens when I have a boring day at work. Nobody bothers me, so I have nothing to write about.

That's when the dark side of [GM]Dave comes out.

I want you to think about that for a second... My DARK side.

Cause the rest of me is just so happy-go-lucky.

Monday, March 30, 2009

So Close

So, I'm reading the news this morning while I'm waiting for my first GM call of the day and theorizing on how to invent bacon flavored whisky.

I like to multitask.

The usual headlines fly by.

Which is the greatest bird?

Who did what with Bacon?

Which really stupid person suggested doing something really stupid even though they have no business even talking about a subject?

All the Reddit fans know what I'm talking about.

It's all very normal.

Then I see this.

And then I laughed.

Apparently, a man in China died trying to save his girlfriend from committing suicide.

Now, that might not sound funny.

She jumped off a seven story building.

Wait for it...

And he tried to catch her.

If this is not funny, then you don't understand physics.

Here is a guy standing on the ground thinking he's just got to get under her and catch her.

You know, just get those arms underneath her. Break her fall a little.

This is a great plan.

IF your girlfriend is committing suicide by jumping off the top of a Prius.

This was a seven story building.

By the time she reached the ground, she was probably traveling around 52 miles per hour.

If you ignore air resistance, that is.


I can do math.

So, here's the boyfriend, playing fielder, figuring all he has to do is catch her.

Then he sees his probably 55-ish kilogram girlfriend coming at him like a Buick on the freeway. She's coming straight at him.

And, more importantly, the ground.

What must have been going through his mind?

Just get under her.

Reach out my arms a little more.

I really wish I had paid more attention in Physics class.

I'm not trying to put the guy down, but he really didn't think this one through.

Yeah, by all means, go out there and look like a hero. Get under her, call off the other fielders, and put your arms out.

Then you just make sure you're three feet to the left.

Imagine it like bullfighting, except instead of moving a cape, you move your arms.

And instead of turning to attack you, the bull turns into a liquid.

That's what a smart person would do.

You just get your ass out of the way.

You're not the one who jumped off a building. You really don't have any responsibility at that point.

Sure, be a nice guy.

Go and get a mop.

Don't try and catch her.

I don't know if the true stupidity of the whole thing occurred to the guy when he decided to catch her.

I'm pretty sure it struck him in the end though.

Bah dump pssshhhh.

Do you know the funniest part of the whole story, though? Do you know the absolute kick in the pants irony of the situation?

She survived.

Yeah, she managed to turn her boyfriend into a fine paste and I'm pretty sure she didn't just get up and walk away.

Still... She lived.

On the bright side, the guy actually succeeded in saving her life. Wherever he is, he can rest easy in the knowledge that his final act was victorious.

On the dark side, that final act was monumentally stupid.

Now, he's dead and in six months, she'll be banging his best friend.

They won't even have him cleaned up by then.

Good job, hero.

I don't know about you, but if my significant other decided to jump off a seven story building, I really only have one thing to say...


Saturday, March 28, 2009


Susan is not your typical woman.

She's MY typical woman.

I really hope you laughed at that. I'm probably going to get punched in the groin for saying it.

Now, while she's not a typical woman, she does do a lot of typically woman things.

Note: for the purpose's of our discussion, I will be referring to several activities as being "woman things". This is not an insult to women, but instead only relates to certain accepted preferences displayed by women. It is not intended to be offensive to strong, independent women.

So, you chicks calm down.

She watches chick flicks. Romantic comedies, romantic dramas, romantic tragedies...

Pretty much anything starring Julia Roberts.

And lacking in even remotely feasible plot.

I don't get it.

She reads romance novels.

I don't know who Nora Roberts is, but she puts out a new book every two weeks or something. I'm pretty certain she has a family trapped in her basement and she forces them to write novels about princes and firemen.

Susan reads them all the time.

I don't get it.

She watches "reality" television shows about babies and and people having babies and people with babies.

And people with A LOT of babies.

I don't get it.

But among the many stereotypically female things my wife enjoys, there is one that dwarfs all others...


If Susan has any obsession (other than playing FFXI), it would be shoes.

She has so many pairs of shoes. So very, very many.

Do you know how many pairs I have?


And one of them is the black pair in the back of my closet that I only wear to weddings or funerals.

To me, shoes are those things that keep me from standing barefoot on rocks or pavement. They're simply a layer of rubber between me and the ground.

To Susan... To Susan, shoes are works of art. Each one has it's own tiny and oh so important differences.

She has seven pairs of black shoes.

They all look identical.

Should you ever mistakenly mention how they all look identical, she will explain how very different they are and how very retarded you are.

And, no matter how many pairs of shoes she has, she is always looking for more.


I really don't. This isn't some sort of stand-up comedy routine. I'm lost here.

They're just shoes.

So today, Susan and I were shopping...

Shopping is a general term here.

Basically, "shopping" can be defined as "Susan dragging me through a mall and stopping to look in every damned store".

Even the ones that don't sell video games.

Can you imagine?

Apparently, there are stores that don't sell video games.

I never really noticed.

And do you know what store we completely skipped over?

The lingerie shop.

The one clothing store I might actually enjoy going into and we skip it.

Do you know what we didn't skip?

The shoes.

Walls and walls and walls of shoes.

All of them exactly the same.

We're stood in the FIFTH shoe store of the day. Susan was trying on yet another pair of black shoes when I finally snapped.

[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> NONONO.
[GM]Dave>> No more shoes.
Susan>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> If I have to look at another shoe...
[GM]Dave>> I am going to kick someone in the face.
[GM]Dave>> With my shoe.
Susan>> Oh, calm down.
Susan>> This is like the second store...
[GM]Dave>> FIVE.
[GM]Dave>> This is number FIVE.
[GM]Dave>> There will not be a number six.
Susan>> This is important.
Susan>> I need new shoes.
[GM]Dave>> WHY?
[GM]Dave>> Explain to me why you need more shoes.
[GM]Dave>> More BLACK shoes.
Susan>> Well...
Susan>> I need a nice pair for work.
[GM]Dave>> You have SEVENTEEN pairs of black shoes.
Susan>> Oh, but see those are different.
Susan>> See, this is a medium heel with...
[GM]Dave>> NO!
[GM]Dave>> I will not listen to your crazy voodoo words.
[GM]Dave>> THEY.
[GM]Dave>> ARE.
[GM]Dave>> SHOES.
Susan>> It's different.
Susan>> They're all different.
[GM]Dave>> NOT.
Susan>> You just don't get it.
[GM]Dave>> You know... I really don't.
[GM]Dave>> I really, really don't.
Susan>> ...
Susan>> Let me ask you a question...
Susan>> How many sets of gear do you have for your Dragoon?
[GM]Dave>> Well, I have a TP set, a soloing set...
[GM]Dave>> And a weaponskill set.
[GM]Dave>> Actually, it really depends on which weaponskill.
[GM]Dave>> Each one requires slightly different...
[GM]Dave>> Oh.


It's not women that are crazy.

We're ALL crazy.

Apparently, I can learn new things.

Despite what Susan would tell you.

Then again, I doubt any of her shoes gives her a +6 to accuracy and +3% to haste.

I'm pretty sure they don't.

She does have a lot of shoes, though...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Oh, How Fickle...

My memory isn't the greatest.

I don't remember names.

I barely remember faces.

Sometimes, I'll walk into a room and then forget what the hell it was I came in there for in the first place.

It's very disconcerting.

Though... I do get to meet new people everyday.

Despite this terrible lack of memory, I do seem to remember the epic failure that was the Phantom console.

Some of you may not have heard of the Phantom gaming console.


A few years ago, a company announced that they would be developing a PC-like gaming console that hooked up to your TV and streamed data across the intarweb.

This is the part where the entire internet started laughing.

Honestly, the whole thing was a galactic, mechagundam clusterf&%@. Every week brought about new hilarity as their once glorious vision was torn asunder by the internet as a whole.

It was like a terrible joke.

Thus, you can understand my confusion when a new streaming gaming console is announced and the whole internet welcomes it with open arms.

We don't welcome anything with open arms.

Okay... Maybe the porn thing.

We are very supportive of the porn.

Of course, without the porn, the internet would include maybe 4 websites.

OnLive is the new console tearing up the gaming media sites. All data will be sent to a secure OnLive server and then results will be streamed back to your screen in real time.

Apparently, the console will work on a variety of devices and all data management will be handled through their servers.

The servers will be composed of Adamantium and will be comprised mostly of dilithium crystals and flux capacitors.

That last part wasn't true. It might be, but at this point, all we really have is a whole lot of promises and not a lot of evidence.

Now, I've got nothing against the console. While I have a great deal of skepticism about how exactly they're going to make this system work, that's not really something I'm worried about.

I don't know how most things work.

Sure, I know my Wii is just two Gamecubes duct-taped together.

And my microwave uses dark arcane magicks.

But I don't really question the whole "how's it gonna work" thing.

Not my problem.

In six months when this epic new console is only able to stream flash games, then we'll talk about it.

No, my issue with the whole thing is how readily the gaming community is ready to just accept this thing.

Yes, it is very shiny. They're using intriguing words like "server-side", "broadband", and "Microconsole". They're promising, and I quote, "ultra high-performance gameplay on your TV or entry-level PC or Mac".

This sounds great, right?

Of course it does.

But since when does the internet take anything at face value or anyone at their word?

What happened to you guys?

Just a couple of years ago, you'd have called these guys a bunch of con artist bastards and then burned them at the stake.

That's actually what happened to the Phantom guys.

There were marshmallows.

Now, it looks like we've all gone soft.

Where's the harsh criticism? The barely restrained rage?

The harshly worded LOLcats pictures?


I'm actually a little ashamed right now. I have half a mind to turn off my computer and go drink some beer and play football.

That's the one with the bat, right?

Maybe... Maybe we've grown a little as a community. Maybe we've matured and are looking for a meaningful streaming experience.

Are we finally ready to give someone a chance?


Not really.

This is the honeymoon phase. We're still a little dazzled with the promise of new technology and the hopes for better gaming.

That shine won't last long. Pretty soon, we're going to be tearing this thing to shreds and leaving them broken and bloodied.

Oh, there will be blood.

And LOLcats.

Don't let me down, internets. Restore my faith not in your humanity, but in your unending torrent of hate and destruction.

That's why you are my people.

That's why the internet is my home.

... The porn doesn't hurt.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I Got Soul

Susan>> You have no soul.

You'd be surprised how often she says that.

Actually... You probably wouldn't.

I'm not sure why she does it. I'll be minding my own business, just sitting there crafting or farming or something, and I'll hear those terrible, terrible words:

Susan>> Oh, you have to come and see this.

It's funny. Our computer room isn't that big, but it is a damned pain in the ass to get up and walk all the way over there.

I almost got exercise once.

That's not funny.

After giving an audible huff of annoyance, I get up and make the long, arduous trek to her desk.

Must be eight... Maybe ten feet.

Totally unreasonable.

When I finally get there, I find out that I have made this journey to see either:

a) an uninteresting video clip

b) a random person's facebook pictures

c) something else totally not worth the effort

She likes Facebook. I get that.

If she feels like spending four hours looking at pictures from a birthday party for someone she hasn't talked to in 15 years that she also wasn't invited to, that's her business.

Do you know what it's not?

My business.

And yet, everytime she finds one of these things, a random photo album, a heart-warming news story, the latest clip from John and Kate Plus 8, she calls me over to share it with me.


I feign interest, but she can tell I'm not interested.

Maybe it's in the subtle way I shuffle my feet or the general lack of commentary.

Maybe it's the constant loud sighs and rolled eyes.

Who knows?

Probably the feet shuffling.

And then, as always, she looks up at me and says the same thing:

Susan>> You have no soul.

Honestly, it's a good thing she told me. I could have sworn I had my soul a minute ago.

Now, where did I leave that thing?

Souls... Always in the last place you look.

Can someone please explain to me how not weeping every time one of the Roloff's does anything translates into me not having a soul?

It's ridiculous.

I have feelings and emotions.

Of course I do.

I keep them buried deep down in the furthest reaches of my black heart.

You know... Like you're supposed to.

Then I pour whiskey on them.

I just don't understand how any of that becomes a measure of my humanity.

Yes, I can see the value of some of the stories. I can understand on an analytical level why some people might experience emotions while seeing these things.

I get that.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to start crying my eyes out.

Crying is meant for important things.

Like when a big money synth blows up in your face.

That's crying time.

Or maybe... MAYBE if you are in intense physical pain.

The only kind of pain a man can understand.

Under those circumstances, it would be deemed acceptable if you got a little misty.

A little.

But Susan... She will go out of her way to make herself cry. She will actively seek out movies whose sole purpose is to induce crying.

Does that make any sense?

Yes, yes. The story was passionate and moving.

OH NOEZ! The boat is sinking and Kate Winslet is too selfish to even bother sharing the raft with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Let us all cry when, exactly as you'd expect, he ends up freezing to death.

That makes loads of freaking sense.

Then again, at least if I was watching movies, it would be a conscious action on my part. I would be choosing to sit down and watch a movie that was probably going to make me cry.

That I could at least understand.

Getting called away from something I'm enjoying to watch something that completely doesn't interest me?

Not so much.

And yet... Every single time...

Susan>> You have no soul.

I wonder if I'm going to cry at the funeral.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Story Time

One of my daily rituals is putting my daughter to bed. I give her a bath, put her in her jammies, and then read her a story.

Yes, I do have a softer side.

Plus, it's a lot easier than the old ritual of letting Susan do it all and then pretending not to hear her complain about it.

So this evening, I was putting her to bed and I picked up a big book of fairy tales.

You know, the classics. Jack and the Beanstalk, Hansel and Gretel, Siegfried and Roy.

I love that last one. There's a tiger.


Too soon?

Anyway, I start flipping through the book, trying to find a nice story that'll teach her a good moral or something.

The Ugly Duckling.

That seems like a good choice. My daughter's cute as a button, but you never know when she's going to have an ugly friend.

Gotta plan ahead.

I started reading, but, as the story progressed, I started to actually pay attention to the words.

That story's messed up.

Everybody talks about how nice this story is, how it teaches kids to look at the beauty inside a person rather than the outside.

Nice, right?

It really is nice.

Except that's not at all what the book says.

The story actually tells kids that it's okay to make fun of ugly kids as long as they're ugly. When they grow up and turn out beautiful, then you go ahead and like them.

How is that a good message?

Honey, I know you're incredibly ugly, but that's okay because eventually you won't be ugly anymore and then everyone will love you.

It's okay to hate ugly people.

But not beautiful people.

The end.

Not only are you NOT teaching your child that beauty is on the inside, you're actually teaching them that they SHOULD hate ugly people until they become beautiful.

What if your kid doesn't turn out beautiful? What if the ugly goes all the way to the bone?

Good job. Now, your kid knows that no one is ever going to love them.

Your parent-of-the-year award is in the mail.

That's a messed up story.

But there had to be a good story in that book, right?


Not so much.

Every freaking fairy tale I learned about as a kid is seriously F&%@ed up.

Hansel and Gretel. Two kids are wandering through the woods unsupervised, find a strange house, and decide to explore said house. Then, when confronted by the house's owner, they kill her and run away.

Sure, she was a witch, but they were breaking and entering.

They started that shit.

Hey, kids. It's totally okay to go running through the woods alone. And if you find somebody's house, feel free to look around and kill anyone in the house as long as candy is involved.

Yay! Candy!

And homicide!

Jack and the Beanstalk. Boy sells family cow for magic beans. Boy plants beans. Beans grow into beanstalk.

As you would expect.

Boy climbs beanstalk, finds a house, and breaks in.

Again with the breaking and entering.

Are there any classic children's stories that don't involve some sort of B & E?

He then steals from the giant who lives in the house and, when the giant chases him to get back his property, Jack kills him.

What the hell is going on with these stories? Are we trying to entertain our children or give them lessons on crime?

You can blame games all you want, but games are at least honest about the story. When you kill Bowser, you know that bastard kidnapped the princess. He deserved it.

No, in the fairy tale version, Mario is retarded, breaks into Bowser's castle and when he gets confronted, he kills Bowser because it's apparently okay to kill anyone who gets in your way.

Try and get an ESRB rating on that one.

Am I asking too much from these stories? I mean, I know they were written in another time, but you can't tell me they didn't have laws against stealing and murder back then.

Sure, Dora might not be considered classic literature, but I don't remember her ever breaking into someone's house and then offing them because they couldn't help her get to ice cream mountain.

Then again... That doesn't sound like too bad of a story.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Expansions Expanded

If you follow FFXI news (and why wouldn't you?), you may have heard that SE has announced three all new expansions chapters to the game.

And who might the main villains be in these expansions?

That's right. Tarutarus and Moogles.

Not the big, frightening Galkas.

Not the menacing, conceited Elvaans.


The Tarus and the Moogles.

This is the most evil picture I could find.

Umm... What?

I like to think I'm a very open-minded person, but that shit don't make sense.

How scary could a Taru really be?

OH NO! He's casting a spell!


Problem solved.

Have you ever seen the casting time for the big, bad Black Magic spells? It's like eighteen seconds.

And all you have to do is run out of range.

Hell, you could punt the little bastard out of range.

Very frightening.

And Moogles?

Moogles are the bitch race of Vana'diel and everyone knows it.

They clean our moghouses and take care of our equipment.

You know that subliger you've been wearing for three weeks straight while leveling in the sweaty jungle?

Yeah, you just hand that to your Moogle.

Sure, they ask you for a hat or a weapon every now and then, but that's just so they can make more room to hold your stuff for you.

Is the idea of an uprising supposed to scare me?

Help! Help! My butler is trying to kill me!

Bad Dobby!

Yeah, I'm not really that worried.

The first expansion is going to be called "A Crystalline Prophecy - Ode of Life Bestowing".

I don't know what that means either.

I think the original title was "A Crystalline Prophecy - Song of Not Being Dead Anymore".


Still, the title doesn't give too much away. You really don't know what you're going to get.

The next two expansions?

"A Moogle Kupo d'Etat - Evil in Small Doses" and "A Shantotto Ascension - The Legend Torn, Her Empire Born."

Those basically translate into "Moogles get mad for twenty minutes, but are busy planning the next egg event" and "that Taru that everyone hates loses her shit".

On a related note, I'm still waiting to hear back about my transfer to the expansion naming division.

Fingers crossed.

If that news wasn't big enough, my network of spies have revealed that other expansions are planned beyond those three.

"Pride of the Mithras - Wrath of the Furries"

The FFXI storyline continues in this expansion as the Mithra tribes rise up and pry the legions of perverts off their legs. Too long have these proud warriors been the object of obscene advances and not even remotely subtle sexual innuendo.

The fur is going to fly in Vana'diel.

Not like that. That's not what I meant.

You're sick.

"The Moogle Rebellion - Bitches No More"

A sequel to Kupo d'Etat, Moogles as a whole stand up and cast off the shackles of servitude.

Sort of.

Yeah, they'll still iron your Brigandine, but when they hang it up, they'll put a crease in there.

Oh, burn.

"An Iron Fist - The GMs Return"

Toiling behind the scenes, the GMs finally take the forefront and bring the fight to the peoples of Vana'diel. The expansion will include new game mechanics including getting incredibly irritating calls every three and a half minutes until you lose your mind or kill yourself.

How do you like it, bitches?

The first quest is trying to get a GM out from behind a table.

Then you have to talk to a fish botting NPC for fourteen hours until he finally responds.

In a foreign language.

Good freaking luck.

See what we've got in store for you? We're working very hard to make a great game even greater.

Okay, not me.

They never like my expansion ideas.

Yes, they all revolved around Elvaan and Hume females making out topless.

In heels.

And Jello.

They still haven't explained what the problem is.

No one listens to my ideas.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Resident Offspring

Even though it's a little (read: a lot) out of character for me, I'm going to apologize.

Don't even start. I'm as surprised as you are.

I realize the update schedule has been a little off recently. I like to update at least every two days, but it's been three days a few times recently.

Do not panic. This is not a "I need to take a break" post.

It's not even a "This is a short hiatus" post which is immediately followed by six months of radio silence.

This is actually a "I've been slowly dying from the plague" post.

My doctor has been kind enough to inform me that I have a double ear infection.

For those of you keeping track, that's both of them.

This has made updating difficult as every now and then I have sudden balance problems which, when staring at a screen, quickly leads to nausea.

Actually, this has made pretty much everything difficult.

Peeing is especially interesting. Everything is fine and then I'm tracing an arc on the wall on my way toward the floor.

The spinning is fun. It's like bring drunk, but without any of the factors that make being drunk worthwhile.

Hey, I'm getting dizzy, but you're not getting any smarter.

Or more attractive.


Apparently, my doctor has no idea what could have caused this infection. He thinks it is either viral or bacterial.

An infection that is either viral or bacterial.

Thank you, Dr. House.

That basically describes 99% of all infections. He might as well have just thrown in fungal.

Hell, toss in magical.

Those damned witches.

What is his solution to this problem?


This is interesting as antibiotics only work on bacterial infections.

They don't do shit to viruses.

I don't know if they do anything to magical infections.

What I do know is that no matter what kind of infection you have, these antibiotics make you want to die.

Side effects include nausea, vomiting, and intense stomach cramps.

That's not really a great trade-off. Before I only had nausea, spinning, and some falling down.

That wasn't so bad.

Who the hell wouldn't take that over vomiting and cramps?

I guess he ran out of pills that caused rectal bleeding and death.

I say screw the damned pills. I'll lie on the floor and spin my ass off.

Now, my doctor says there are any number of ways to get an ear infection.

That's bullshit.

I know exactly how I got it.

She's the three foot tall germ factory I call my daughter.

She's like a bioweapons facility in Dora jammies.

My darling wife thought it would be a great idea to send her to a daycare. That way, she could spend time with other children and develop social skills.

Social skills... I never went to daycare and look how I turned out.

... Okay... Bad example.

I have no idea what type of social skills she's learning, but I do know that she comes into contact with more germs than a doctor in a free clinic.

She's always leaking.


It's like they're doing some strange virus research in that place.

Four guys from the Umbrella Corporation showed up yesterday and tried to take her away in a sealed bubble.

She killed three of them.

It was cute though. She couldn't even finish eating the first one.


Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can figure out how I got the infection, Doc.

It might have been that guy who sneezed on the copier at work.

Or it could be the tiny Typhoid Mary I spend half the time trying to keep from wiping snot all over me.

Oh yeah... I'll really have to put my thinking cap on for that one.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

UFC: Stewart Vs Cramer

Today was a pretty slow day at work, so we were stuck with a fair amount of downtime.

Not that I'm complaining. A bad day being bored is better than a good day of dealing with retards.

Unfortunately, by eleven o'clock, I'd pretty much run out of things to do.

I'd fed an entire linkshell to Jormy.

I'd checked all of my favorite sites.

I'd even done some actual work.


That's when the guy next to me tried to start a conversation.

Guy>> So...
Guy>> What do you think of this whole Stewart Cramer thing?

Usually, this would have lead to some form of mild violence. I like to discourage people from talking to me at work.

Next thing you know, he'll think we're friends.

But since I had nothing better to do, I decided to have an actual conversation with him.

I'm not sure who was more surprised, him or me.

Many of you, I'm sure, have been following the heated rivalry going on between John Stewart (the host of the Daily Show) and Jim Cramer (the weird guy who yells on CNBC).

If you haven't, then welcome to the internet. Enjoy your stay. Porn is on your left.

This is a particularly funny story to follow on the internet because basically everyone writing about it is a John Stewart fan.

There were like two guys who even knew who Jim Cramer was before this whole thing started.

One of them was the actual Jim Cramer.

In case you are not the other guy, Jim Cramer is the host of Mad Money, a CNBC show in which he yells while suggesting which stocks to buy or sell.

I'm not sure why he's yelling.

John Stewart pointed out some very bad decisions Mr. Cramer had made in recommending certain stocks.

Now, this is where Jim Cramer had a decision to make. He could either:

a) take the criticism to heart and admit his mistakes

b) attack John Stewart and start a war of words

One of these choices is intelligent and the incredibly obvious way to go.

The other choice is what Cramer actually decided to do.

Here's a little hint for those of you playing along at home: if, for some reason, you should find yourself in a confrontation with a popular comedian, don't start a war of words.

John Stewart has made a livelihood of tearing people to shreds for their poor choices. His entire show is based around the absolutely retarded things that political figures and celebrities say and do.

This is not who you choose to start an argument with.

Unfortunately, by the time he figured all of this incredibly obvious information out, it was a little too late. Damage had been done and the war had already started.

Okay, okay. Cramer still had time to fix this. All he had to do was say that, looking back, he made some mistakes and that he learned from them.

The last thing you'd want to do is suggest that your comments were taken out of context.

Yeah, you already know where this is going.

See, saying that your comments were taken out of context is a great way of handling this kind of situation...


The whole "out of context" thing is a really, really terrible way to go when you have your own TV show.

All of those camera things... They're kind of taping that shit.

They include all of the context.

All of it.

At this point, I'm not sure if we should be questioning Cramer's ability as a financial expert or if we should be questioning his sanity.

Or both.

Probably both.

My favorite part of this whole thing is that of these two people, Stewart is the one whose show is supposed to be funny.

It's fake news.

Everybody gets that.

Cramer's show is supposed to be an actual, serious show about investing your money.

It's supposedly real news.

And he lost the entire argument.

That's just epic fail right there.

I'm sorry, but if you just got your ass handed to you by the guy who does the "fake news", you just got owned.

Finally, the whole thing culminated in the only way a battle of this sort could end... Cramer went on Stewart's show.

That is possibly the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

And I'm a GM.

Why in the hell would you go on his show? He's been kicking your ass up and down the media for weeks. The very LAST thing you would want to do is go one-on-one in the very seat of his power.

It's Stewart's show.

The audience is comprised of Stewart's fans.

How well could this have possibly gone for Cramer?

The fact that he even survived is a miracle.

And what did he do on the show?

He admitted he had made mistakes and that he would try and learn from them.

Gee, if only he had done that IN THE BEGINNING.

Maybe he'd still have a career.

Honestly, I think they should redesign The Daily Show. Screw all of the comedy stuff and focus on destroying people who are full of shit and call it "news".

Now, we just have to get Nancy Grace and the entire cast of the View to pick a fight with Stewart.

Hell, after that, all we'd have to do is shoot Jeff Probst and TV might be worth watching again.


Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Good Old Days

I'm sorry, but does anyone else miss the days before the world went F&%@ING insane?

The 90's wasn't the best decade. It gave birth to the boy band craze, Melrose Place, and a million other things I'm sure we'd all love to collectively forget.

MC Hammer, I'm looking at you.

But, looking back, I can honestly say the world was a lot less screwed up.

Today, I half cringe whenever I turn on the news because I know something absolutely retarded has happened.

How do I know that?

Because something retarded happens every day now.

And I don't mean the funny retarded stuff. That stuff is great.

I mean the plain old "make you wish you were dead" retarded.

What happened?

Not that long ago, everything was about excess. Going crazy, spending money, burning gas, and eating whatever the hell you wanted.

Everything had bacon on it.


Some mornings, I'd get up and put bacon on my Frosted Flakes.

And nobody said shit about it.

The entire world was like it.

It was beautiful.

You didn't have to even think about other people. The entire world was focused on making you happy.

Screw the environment, screw the starving kids, screw everything.

What was in it for me?

It was a great time to be alive.

Now, you might be thinking that this sounds like a very shallow, selfish way to live.

You'd be damned friggin' right, too.

It was shallow.

It was selfish.

And it was GLORIOUS.

Unfortunately, we seem to have lost our way somewhere along the line. Suddenly, everyone cares about EVERYTHING.

Where did we go wrong?

Yeah, yeah. Caring is great.

Get an after-school special or something.

Being socially conscious is not all it's cracked up to be.

Now, we all get up every morning just waiting for the day when it all falls apart.

You know you do.

You get out of bed and part of you is afraid to turn on the TV because you know any day the whole place is going up in flames.

It wasn't always like this.

No, back in the good old days, you hopped out of bed, jumped in your 3 miles to the gallon Hummer, and went to McDonald's for the heart attack breakfast special served on a styrofoam plate.


Toss that shit in the nearest protected wetlands and you were good to go.

And we didn't worry about anything.

Gas was cheap, credit was easy, and everything was about me, me, me.

I miss that.

I miss living in a world where everything made sense.

Terrible sense, I'll give you, but sense all the same.

I miss a time when the world was all about me.

That probably sounds selfish.

Damn straight.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Just A Small Token...

There are certain people I hate.

Okay... There are a lot of people I hate.

Lots of them.

Many of them for odd and sometimes plain ridiculous reasons.

But among the many, many, MANY people that I hate, I reserve the upper echelons for a very particular type of person.

Or is it the lower echelons?

Let's just agree that there are echelons.

This is echelon-related hate.

Now, you may be asking yourself who I might reserve such a special level of contempt for.




No. While these people do deserve advanced levels of loathing, I am very selective in my hating.

This is serious business.

I reserve my deepest hatred for account hackers.

What kind of person would do something like that? To just steal someone's password and then destroy their most cherished characters...

It's inhuman.

Actually, it usually is inhuman. Usually, it's some form of virus you picked up from visiting the wrong websites.

You know what websites I mean.

Naughty, naughty.

Now, some guy in another country has your password, access to your account, and a frightening knowledge of your sexual preferences.

I suppose you could have just saved them time and sent them your birth certificate, credit card numbers, and a blood sample.

Save time for everybody.

So, being the intelligent guy that I am, I actually foresaw his problem years ago. I spent some serious time reading through the game code trying to identify specific security weaknesses.

Also, like every single person ever mentioned it on a forum.

Because it seemed like a big idea, I mentioned it at a staff meeting.

Supervisor>> Any more business?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> What if we provided USB keys to protect accounts?
Supervisor>> That sounds difficult.
Supervisor>> Let's say no.

Not to be deterred, I brought it up at the next staff meeting.

Supervisor>> Any more business?
[GM]Dave>> What about those USB keys I suggested?
Supervisor>> I will investigate the matter.
Supervisor>> BWAHAHAHA!
Supervisor>> No.

And that's how it went.

At every staff meeting.

For years.

Supervisor>> Any more business?
[GM]Dave>> USB keys?
Supervisor>> No.
Supervisor>> For the twenty-seventh time...
Supervisor>> No.

I was on a crusade. There was no way I was going to give up on this.

The fact that it drove my supervisor insane had no bearing on it at all.

Supervisor>> Any more business?
[GM]Dave>> I have an idea.
Supervisor>> NO!
Supervisor>> NO NO NO!
Supervisor>> Now... Any more business?
[GM]Dave>> USB keys?
Supervisor>> I will fly at you like a lemur monkey!

And so it went.

It became our little ritual.

Just like the pills he took right before every staff meeting.

Then, a few days ago, we had another staff meeting. Something was different though...

Our supervisor wasn't there.

NewSupervisor>> Yeah, he won't be back.
NewSupervisor>> He submitted a new idea to corporate.
NewSupervisor>> And he's been given a huge promotion.
[GM]Dave>> ... What idea?
NewSupervisor>> Using USB keys to verify passwords.
[GM]Dave>> ...
NewSupervisor>> It's a really great idea.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to hurt someone.

Apparently, my former supervisor is now making twice as much money.

His new job is to sit in his office somewhere and come up with genius ideas.

Man, it would be terrible if that office were to burn to the ground.

Just terrible.

Monday, March 09, 2009


Forgot to put up a post saying that the first part of the fan packs has been sent out.

This is that post.

The first part of the fan packs has been sent out.


Friday, March 06, 2009

Karma's A Bitch

I am not a bad person.

Stop laughing. I'm really not.

I try not to do bad things.

I try to be a good person.

Whenever I open a door, I hold it for the person behind me.

That's just good manners.

I know that's not a lot, but it's got to earn me some credit. Sometimes, the other person is like five whole seconds away.

That's got to be worth a few points.

So, with me being such a model of good behavior, I have to ask why such terrible things happen to me.

Last night, Susan and I decided to do something together. Neither of us had any events planned in-game, so it seemed like a good idea.

She suggested we watch a movie.

At the time it seemed like such a good idea.

Through some relationship twist of fate, it was apparently her turn to pick the movie.

It's funny... Every time we have to pick a movie, it's her turn to pick.

EVERY time.

And does she pick a movie we can both enjoy?

Of course not.

No, she has to pick whatever claptrap, mindless, estrogen orgy bullshit they can slap on a DVD.

Hey, does your movie have a completely retarded storyline and an obvious, barely sensible romance?

Susan will be there with money in hand.

I'm not saying we have to watch my favorite movie every single time.

We don't always have to watch Dark Knight or Big Busty Ladies 17.

But once in a while would be nice.

I'm starting to think there was no point even getting The Dark Knight.

And don't even get me started on Big Busty Ladies 17.

It's got romance.

No, Susan decides she wants to watch Made of Honor.




After doing some brief research, I found out that watching this movie is actually used as punishment for murder in some countries.

It could also be successfully used as an excuse for murder.

I'm not sure what women find so damned fascinating about the whole "Best friend becomes my boyfriend" bullshit.

Do we really need another movie about it though?


If someone is your friend, it is because you are not attracted to them in any way.

At all.

If you are a girl, your guy friends are probably either:

a) ex-boyfriends that turned out to be completely wrong for you

b) so horribly unattractive that you would never even consider thinking of them as anything but friends

There is no third option.

There is no "really handsome guy that's charming and sweet and perfect, but we don't date for no good reason".

If you are a guy, your girl friends are either:

a) girls you've slept with

b) girls you are currently trying to sleep with

That's it.

Guys don't do the friend thing. We don't sit around and hang out with girls we find attractive.

If we do, it's only in the hopes that pants will be removed in the immediate future.

These movies are just further propagating this completely unrealistic expectation of romance that is being put on guys.

Now, you have to be smart, charming, good-looking, rich, possibly a prince, probably a doctor, and romantic.

AND you have to be their best friend.

Anything else Hollywood? Are there any other prerequisite skills I should have in order to get laid?

Maybe I could cure Cancer.

How hard could that be?

It's a good thing we have Hollywood executives to explain exactly what we should be like in order to be even remotely passable as mates.

Before most women even meet a guy, the have a list of expectations programmed into their brains.

Completely unattainable expectations.

Do you want to see a guy's expectations?

1) breathing

2) vagina

That's all of them.

There was a three, but it said "vagina" again.

We really like that.

Okay, most of us like that, but the other guys have their own list, too.

Hell, some guys aren't even too worried about number one.

We're a very understanding people.

Sure, we do LIKE it when women are romantic.

But our definition of romantic involves removing your pants without a half an hour of begging.

I'd suggest that they should make a romantic movie for guys.

They already did.

It's called Big Busty Ladies 17.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

It's Spreading...

It is a normal daily event for me to get GM calls that are entirely unnecessary.

Hell, sometimes hourly.

People tend to overestimate the importance of events simply because they are happening to them.

Oh, you overbid on a sword?

That's definitely an emergency.

We'd better just roll back the servers for you.

But, while these calls are incredibly stupid and usually end in dragon-related violence, I was at least comforted that they only happen in-game.




Apparently, a Florida woman decided it was an emergency that McDonald's ran out of Chicken McNuggets.

Now, I'm not an expert by any means, but I'm pretty sure a lack of McNuggets does not constitute a state of emergency.

A predicament?




But an emergency?


Not really.

I mean, I love a chicken nugget as much as the next guy.

Yay, chicken nuggets!

But if they run out of McNuggets, I'll have a Big Mac or something.

They are also food.

Perhaps if you had not eaten in days or weeks... That might be considered an emergency.

Maybe you were kidnapped by a group of transient hillbillies and held in a remote cabin in the back woods of Alabama for weeks. You finally escape and run frightened and starving back to civilization.

Totally call 911.

That's the right thing to do, the normal thing to do.

If, however, you are simply making a trip to your local Dee's, nothing will qualify as an emergency.

I don't care if someone pulls a gun. It's a McDonald's. That shit is normal.

It certainly isn't an emergency when they run out of Chicken McNuggets.

Now, what could possibly make this story any worse?

She called 911 THREE TIMES.


That's the kind of thing you should get the death penalty for. Call 911 because of a chicken nugget three times and you get a needle in the arm.

I'm tough, but fair.

But instead of a last meal, you get nothing but McNuggets.

All of the freaking McNuggets you can eat.

And instead of injecting you with poison, they fill the needle with sweet and sour sauce.

I don't care if it kills you. If it doesn't, we'll refill the needle with blended McNuggets.

If that doesn't work, then we go back to plain, old poison.

Then again, if a McNugget getting injected into your veins isn't enough to kill you, there's definitely something wrong.

Eating the things can kill you.

They OBVIOUSLY cause severe mental problems.

Honestly, this is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard of.

Luckily, for my sanity, this was just an isolated incident.

Or not.

What is wrong with people?

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Stupid February

Stupid, stupid February.

Apparently, and you may not have heard this, February is only 28 days long.

I know. What the hell?

This is sort of a big deal because I failed to realize it's been more than four weeks between fan packs.

See, I was just having too much fun playing WoW.


Not buying that?

I didn't think so.

Anyway, one week from today, I will be sending out a new fan pack. It will be jam packed with all sorts of goodies.

As usual, I will include a number of exclusive stories from yours truly, along with some articles by Susan and GoblinSmithy. I will try and include some nice pictures or fan art, but I did get a restraining order from Photoshop, so...

For those of you who enjoyed the WoW week, I have been saving my final judgments for the fan pack. I'm going to do a series about the game including a full review from a new player's perspective.

Totally unbiased.

So, anyone who donates $5 or more will become a member of the official [GM]Dave fan club and get the fan pack sent to them.

Other fan club membership benefits include:

- my "eternal" gratitude
- a reason to wake up that day
- preferable treatment when my plans for global domination come to fruition

And, as usual, the reader who donates the highest amount will be given the opportunity to take part in the blog in a way of their choosing. You can suggest story ideas, write your own story, have someone killed... Whatever you want.

You can even choose your very own theme for me to write about.

Have you always wanted a week of posts about classic literature?



Then come up with your own idea. The sky's the limit.

No furry porn.


I mean, last month I played WoW for a week.

An ENTIRE week.

If that doesn't prove my dedication, I don't know what will.

I'm actually a little scared about what the next person is going to pick.

Then again, how bad could it be?


I'm going to regret saying that.