Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Okay... Here's The News

So, I last left you with a major cliffhanger, telling you about some big news.

I then went radio silent for a bajillion years.

Now, this was not an act of laziness on my part. I am totally cool with just telling you when I'm being lazy.

I'm actually quite proud of it.

Things have been hectic as hell around here and it all relates to the big news. I have been working sun up to sun down for the past few weeks, and it's just not leaving me a lot of time.

Those of you who asked if I'm spending all of my time playing WoW...

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

I thought you knew me.

No, things have been rocked pretty well down to the foundations here. I haven't even had much time to play FFXI or even craft.

You know... Other than the hours when I'm supposed to be helping players.

I think they're actually learning to help themselves. It's a growth experience for them.

That guy stuck behind that table in San d'Oria? I think he's starting to like it there.

It's a nice table.

He even has a chair. He can't actually sit in the chair, but it's there and I think that's enough for him. Someday, far in the future, if we give you guys the ability to use chairs, he will be envied for his chair-adjacent prison.

Anyway, the big news. I know you've been dying to know.

I know that because a lot of people have e-mailed me asking about it.

So, I'm going to tell you.

I'm going to tell you the news.


Kidding, kidding. Put down the torches.


Susan's pregnant.

Huzzah! I am going to be a father again!

I'm also in the happy phase right before I figure out how much damned work and how many awful disgusting jobs come with being a parent.

Totally ignoring that part.

We have spent the past few weeks getting our house ready, painting the spare bedroom a nice gender neutral color.

I hope our baby isn't gender neutral.

If it is though, that room is appropriately painted.

Honestly, we're really happy about it. I don't even care what we have.

As long as it's a boy.

And not gender neutral.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I'm Back


This... This has been an interesting week.

I've been working on a sort of project for you guys. Kind of an addendum to an idea I started a while ago.

See, a lot of readers (A LOT) have sent me messages asking about private servers. Private server this and private server that. What do I think about them? Blah, blah, blah.

Recently, I decided to look into it.

Remember the WoW trial I played for a theme week? Remember how all the WoW fanboys complained about how it was only a trial and it doesn't get good til later?

A lot of readers have sent me messages about that, too.

A Freaking Lot.

If you haven't figured out where this is going yet, shame on you.

I have been playing WoW on a private server for a few weeks now. That is in addition to:

a) working full time
b) being a father
c) being a husband
d) cultivating my FFXI obsession

I finally wanted to lay the entire matter to rest. I have done every conceivable thing there is to do without actually spending every waking moment playing.

Susan and I sat down and made a list of everything there is to do in an MMO and I have been forced to do them all.

I'm serious. She's withholding sex until I'm done.

A man has needs DAMMIT!

AND I have formulated my thoughts on the private server experience.

Spoiler: Not good.

Susan also suggested I take a vacation from blogging during the process as I barely had time to think.

Please don't think I have forsaken you, oh loyal reader. I have driven myself to the literal ends of my sanity to finally put an end to this debate once and for all.

Or until someone bitches about something else.

My list is almost complete. I have one big thing left and then, I am free to rain my wrath down upon all of the haters.

Things should be back to normal tomorrow. That or I'm going to stab myself in the eye.

Either or.

Also, I may or may not have some HUGE news to lay upon you pretty soon. I can't tell you anything, but it is BIG.


Friday, March 05, 2010

And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 7

This one... This one happened not too long ago.

I've still got the bruises.

Susan and I were up and getting ready for work. We'd both been working really hard lately and we were very tired. Our daughter was all packed up and ready to go to the babysitter's, when the phone rang.

It was Susan's work. There was some sort of water problem and they were going to be closed for the day.

She, of course knowing that I would have killed to have the day off, tried to be as nice as possible.

Susan>> You've got to work and I don't.
Susan>> You've got to work and I don't.
Susan>> You've got to work and I don't.

The entire rest of the time I was getting ready, she just walked around and told me all of the stuff she was going to do that day. Since our daughter had to go to the babysitter's anyway, she had planned an entire day of gaming and television.

I handled it maturely.

[GM]Dave>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> I really F&%@ing hate you.

It wasn't the day off that bothered me.

Okay... That bothered me a little.

What bothered me the most, though, is the way she was rubbing it in my face, constantly reminding me that she got the whole day off and I had to go back to the spice mines.

That wasn't like Susan.

That was like me.

And, because I'm a giant freaking hypocrite whenever it suits me, she would have to pay dearly.

I left for the day and quickly rushed to the office after dropping the little girl off. When I got to my desk, I set down my stuff, logged into my account, and then sent Susan's character to Mordion Gaol.

For no reason.

Maybe she wouldn't figure out what happened.

Susan>> Dave...
Susan>> This isn't funny.

So, she knows it was me. So what? I'm not scared of my wife.

She isn't behind me, is she?

Now, I'd like to say that I only kept her in jail for a little while as a sort of practical joke.

Not really.

Actually, I kept her there for roughly 8 hours.

Hey! That's how long my shift was. Isn't that a funny coincidence?

She probably went to watch some TV during those 8 hours.

Did I mention I put a password on the television so that it won't change channels?

From the e-mails I got from her that day, I assume she figured that out.

Eventually, after an entire 8 hour work day was behind me, I hopped in my car and drove home. Oh, how we'd laugh about it, my little practical joke.

Susan had a joke, too.

Her joke went something like "I'm going to punch you in your face."

Right as I opened the door, boom, right in the nose.

Luckily, she hits like a girl.

Oh, she didn't talk to me for days afterward and, even then, it was only long enough to tell me how much she wanted to murder me.

[GM]Dave>> Morning, honey.
Susan>> I'm going to kill you.

You could feel the love.

She got over it eventually. I guess she decided that it wasn't such a big deal and that, just maybe, she blew it out of proportion. It was totally forgiven.

Until the next time I did it.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 6

So one of the things Susan's friends like to do occasionally is to get together and play party-style board games.



I've got nothing against party games as long as that party game involves me being in a party in a game I actually like.

I'll give you two guesses which one.

Or any game that involves stripping. Strip [insert game here] is the greatest game ever.

Despite my rather obvious dislike of:

a) people
b) social gatherings
c) social gatherings of people

my wife insists I go with her. She likes for us to do things together, outside the house and away from our computers.

No, I don't get it either.

Anyway, we're at her friends house playing a board game. It was some sort of bastardized Newlywed/Match Game bullshit where the men had to answer questions based on what they think their wife would say.

They should have called the game "RUN! IT'S A F&%@ING TRAP!"

Most of the game was going pretty well. I had managed to get answers that were reasonably close to what my wife said. I was actually starting to think that I would make it out unscathed.

Not so much.

Someone pulls a card and the question reads "Do you think your wife would get plastic surgery if you paid for it?"

NOTICE: The card does not say "SHOULD get".

"WOULD get..."

That's a big freaking difference.

I've heard Susan make offhand comments about plastic surgery. Nothing major. Just a little nip her or there. We'd just had a conversation a few days earlier about what she would change.

Her words. Not mine.

Also important.

I'm confident in my answer. I'm sure that is exactly how Susan would feel.

Then the first husband reads his answer.

"Of course not. My wife is perfect just the way she is."

He has, at this point, done two things:

1) traded in his testicles for a pretty new purse
2) totally screwed me over

The next guy says "I'd never want to change anything about her."



Now, They're getting closer to me and I know I have to read my answer.

"How could anyone make her more beautiful?"


Then, it's my turn. The whole table is looking at me. I reach for my card with the intent of lying through my teeth when Susan's friend reaches over and yanks my paper off the table.


That sound wasn't her taking the paper. That's the sound my testicles made when they jumped up inside my torso for protection.

Don't read it out loud.

Don't read it out loud.

And... She read it out loud.

And then, Susan got mad.

You know, I'm actually getting used to sleeping on the couch. It's really quite comfortable.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 5

So what have I done to make Susan mad in game?

A lot of people have written me messages just to ask that question.

I mean, I guess I get it. I spend so much time in game, I must have done something to piss Susan off there. I must have done something in game that made her want to kill me.

All the freaking time.

I can't turn around without doing something to piss her off. That's a given.

But there was one thing...

Okay... This one was bad.

Really bad.

When we first introduced colored chocobos, Susan was desperate to get a green one. All she could do was talk about getting her own green chocobo.

She would get an egg, care for it, nurture it, wait patiently for it to hatch, and... Yellow.

Every freaking time. Yellow.

Even given all the slight rarity of the colored chocobos, she was bound to get some color other than yellow eventually. Probability alone suggested it had to happen.

She would get an egg, care for it, nurture it, wait patiently for it to hatch, and... Yellow.

Every freaking time. Yellow.

And so she would try harder. She'd care for it at different times of day or on specific days in the elemental cycle.

She worked really hard at it.

She would get an egg, care for it, nurture it, wait patiently for it to hatch, and... Yellow.

Every freaking time. Yellow.

This went on for months and months and months.

Egg, hatch, yellow.

Egg, hatch, yellow.

Finally, one day, she decided to just give up on raising chocobos because she was never going to get a green one. She looked so sad and depressed as she walked her little character right out of the chocobo stable.

That's when I told her about my "joke".

See, my "joke" was to go onto my GM account every time she got an egg and make sure it was a yellow one. Every single time.

I must have thrown away three green ones, not to mention every other color under the sun.

And then Susan got mad...

Man, you should have seen the look on her face.

When I woke up, the paramedics told me that she looked very angry.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 4

Okay, so Susan was in labor...

Yes, this is a story about how my wife got mad at me while she was in labor.

Now, you're probably saying that this is nothing new. You're probably thinking that every father has a story about his wife getting mad at them in the middle of labor.

Something about a tiny person clawing their way out through your genitals just makes women cranky.

But not me. Oh, no. I went above and beyond.

Before my beautiful daughter was born, we got to take these super fun, super interesting classes about all of the exciting things that would happen during the majestic phenomenon that is birth.

At least... That's what they tell you.

Actually, I sat in a small, uncomfortable room listening to a woman tell all the men what not to do in order to keep your wife from murdering you.

Here is the list:

1) don't eat in front of her
2) don't talk about it taking too long
3) don't leave her alone for any reason

Pretty simple, right? Just don't do those three little things.

Guess how many of them I did while Susan was in labor.

If you guessed less than three, welcome to my blog.

First off, the food. That one really wasn't my fault. Everyone who came to visit her during her TWENTY HOUR LABOR brought me food.

Let me say that again: TWENTY HOUR LABOR.

How am I not supposed to eat? I needed to keep my strength up.

And Susan didn't even offer me some of those ice chips she was getting. I mean, how selfish can you get, right?

Now, yes, I could have lat least left the room. Sitting in front of her eating a giant bacon cheeseburger when she couldn't have food... That may have been rude.

But I wasn't supposed to leave her alone.

Rule motherf&^@in' three.

She did not see it that way.

Second, the not talking about how long it was taking...


Have you ever sat around for your girlfriend/fiance/wife while she went shopping for half an hour? Remember how freaking annoying that was?

Multiply that by 40.


I spent 20 hours just standing around while she just laid there breathing.

At least she got to lie down.

Am I right?

We were at the hospital freaking early. Like the sun wasn't even up and shit and I'm at a hospital waiting to get stuff done.

When five o'clock rolls around HOURS later, I casually mentioned:

[GM]Dave>> You know, I could have actually gone to work today.

Yeah, Susan didn't find that funny either.

And last, but most certainly not least, the not leaving her alone...

Okay, after 15 odd hours of standing around and trying to be motivational, I was getting a little tired. It had been an exhausting day, both mentally and physically, and I needed to take a break for just a minute.

There was a TV in the room and someone, for whatever reason, had turned it on earlier. I walked over, looked at it for two seconds, and tried to collect myself.

Five minutes, tops.

That's when I heard my darling wife calling to me. As I turned and walked back towards her, she was smiling.

Do you know sharks kind of smile before they tear your leg off?

As soon as I was within arm's reach, she whipped her arm out and grabbed me by the chest. I don't mean she grabbed my shirt. She reached out and grabbed a handful of skin.

I don't have a lot of lose skin to begin with and yet, she somehow managed to grab an entire fistful of it.

She then pulled me in so that our faces were bare millimeters apart.

Susan>> DON'T.
Susan>> LEAVE.
Susan>> AGAIN!

To say that the look in her eyes was frightening is an understatement.

It might be more accurate to say that every sperm in my body that would have been capable of impregnating her in the future, spontaneously died.

Just up and died.

My wife is a beautiful woman. She is shorter than me, weaker than me, and honestly, I could take her if I needed to.

But that day...

Seriously. They just up and died.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Emergency Intermission

Okay, I want everyone to calm down and take a breath.



Now that we've taken a moment, perhaps we can discuss this rationally.

Yes, they are going to raise the level cap in FFXI. Yes, the level cap is going to be 99. Yes, they are merging servers. Yes, they are planning on making a number of job adjustments.

That's everything.

We can all calm down now.

Some of you may be wondering why they made this decision. Why would they, after years of vowing never to touch the level cap, suddenly decide to raise it to 99?

Is it to make the players happy?

Haha. No.

What are you? New?

Is it to bring in new players?

No, not really. New players really can't see much of a difference between 75 and 99 except that one is larger than the other.

Hint: It's the 99.

Is FFXI dying?

Shut up. Just shut up already.

So why, oh why, did they decide to do it?

I'll give you the one reason, the one ultimate reason behind this epic decision:


FFXI forums have gotten boring as all hell lately. Back in the day, every board was on fire with people arguing about subs and leveling and what party should go where.

Lately, that shit has gotten kind of stale. Everyone knows the best subs for every job and everyone knows where to level when.


We're gonna spice that shit up. Pretty soon, your favorite forum is going to be overrun with players asking what's the best sub for every job at level 99.

Your opinion doesn't count, you n00b. You're only level 75 on every job with full merits.


Do you know the best place for a level 84 Black Mage to level?

You don't?


Oh, oh. That guy in Whitegate with the best gear in the game who just walks around showing off?

Yeah, day after update, that shit is worthless.


Imagine the threads that guy will start.

HAHA! It will be GLORIOUS!


Man, this is so plain, unadulterated evil, I'd almost think I came up with it.

I should check my sent e-mail. Drunk me may be smarter than I give him credit for.