Friday, June 30, 2006

It's The End Of The World...

Sorry to interrupt Theme Week, folks, but last night was a kind of big night.

Just in case you've been living under a very large rock (or staying in a hotel with no internet access), I'll give you a little hint.

That's right. Our lovely little world of Vana'diel just turned 1000 years old.

Given the magnitude of this event, we considered a variety of events to celebrate this momentous occasion.

Here are some of the ideas that other GMs suggested:

Idea 1: Free items for every player

We considered handing out special Millenium items to every player, but then realized that half of you would have gone retarded and started quoting Yu-Gi-Oh.

We could not let that happen.

Idea 2: Special announcement

This idea didn't really get off the ground. This was due mostly to the fact that no one reads the messages we put up anyway.

Seriously. The only time people pay any attention to the messages we put up is when one of the guys in programming makes a typo.

And then we hear about it a hundred times over.

Idea 3: Have GMs appear in all major cities

And interrupt my crafting?


Idea 4: Special event NMs

Yeah, that would be loads of fun. Maybe another Blitz Buffalo to knock your ass back to year 1.

Hey! Maybe we could give away more useless sashes! YAY!

Uhh... no.

And here are the ideas I suggested:

[GM]Dave's Idea 1: The Fake Blackout

Log into all of our main characters, scream "OH SHIT! THE SERVERS ARE CRASHING!", and then start flipping switches on the servers.

Wake up next morning and read news story about 25,000 gamers dying of heart attacks.

Laugh uncontrollably.

[GM]Dave's Idea 2: The Real Blackout.

See above, but replace "start flipping switches" with "urinate".

[GM]Dave's Idea 3: Hunting Season

Declare year 1000 the official "Year of the Gil Seller Hunt". Make all known gil sellers characters fully attackable.

Also make them drop fireworks.

Everybody loves fireworks.

[GM]Dave's Idea 4: Reset the AH

Totally wipe the Auction House clean. All items, all item histories, everything.

Just gone.

Wake up next morning and read news story about 250,000 gamers dying of heart attacks.

Laugh uncontrollably.

[GM]Dave's Idea 5: Light Lakshmi on Fire

Just light the Lakshmi server on fire. Possibly roast marshmallows.

Oh come on. It's not like there's anyone on Lakshmi anyway.

Hell, I think we've been using it as a dedicated Halo server.

[GM]Dave's Idea 6: "Special" Fireworks

Two words: Flaming Moogles.

Think about it.

In the end, though, we decided to celebrate in a way befitting our years of customer service and our dedication to you, the player.

We got damned drunk.

Hell. I got Drunk +1.

It was awesome.

Everytime someone made a GM call, we responded in Spanish. If they spoke Spanish, we said "No habla Espanol" and started speaking Chinese.

If they spoke chinese, we yelled "AUUGGGHHH!!! GILSELLER!!!" and just banned them.

When that got old, we started telling people that our GM service got outsourced to Blizzard and tried to explain how to get an Epic mount.

Man, it was a crazy night.

I think we actually did light Lakshmi on fire.

No one really noticed.

Well... one guy called us and said he got booted from Bloodgulch.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

[GM]Dave Offline - Vol. 5

Great. Just great.

Now, you've gone and done it.

Thanks to all of your lovely little comments, there's no living with her now.

You've managed to convince her that she's funny.

What'd I ever do to you bastards?

See, a girlfriend is hard enough to live with as it is.

Then you guys go and tell her how awesome her blog entry was and that was it. Ever since, she's been holding it over my head.

Thank you so goddamned much.

Just to shut her the hell up, I'm "pleased" to announce that Susan will be writing another blog story for the monthly giftpack. All of you readers who donated this month will get an exclusive story written by my "true love".

I use quotation marks there because right now, I could throw her down some stairs.

I won't though.

Probably won't.

Honestly, I can't promise anything. If she starts making more "suggestions", there's a good chance that I'll snap.

If you watch the news tomorrow and see a story about a guy who kills his girlfriend and is dragged off screaming "Bitch was defeated by Jormungand!", then that was most likely me.

In case you haven't noticed, I have anger management issues.

Just FYI.

But who the hell could blame me?

Here's how breakfast went this morning.

Susan>> Morning, Sunshine.
Susan>> Sleep well?
[GM]Dave>> *unintelligible grumbling*
Susan>> Cheery as always, I see.
[GM]Dave>> What are you so happy about?
Susan>> Oh... nothing.

Every man who has ever had a significant other knows that sound. They know the sound of something about to drop.

They know that sound and they fear it.

[GM]Dave>> Okay. Just tell me.
Susan>> Tell you what?
[GM]Dave>> Whatever the bad news is.
[GM]Dave>> Did someone die?
[GM]Dave>> Did Bastok take Ronfaure?!
Susan>> Oh, it was nothing like that.
[GM]Dave>> Then what is it?
Susan>> Did you check the blog this morning?
Susan>> Did you read the comments?

Oh damn. She messed up the blog. She went on there and started getting femo about her period or retaining water and everyone stopped reading the internet.

My girlfriend destroyed the intarweb.

(Editor's note: Femo is a term used to describe women being emo about being women)

[GM]Dave>> Dammit.
[GM]Dave>> I knew I shouldn't have let you write an update.
Susan>> So you haven't read them yet?
[GM]Dave>> I had a nice little blog going there, too.
[GM]Dave>> Now, you went and assed it all up.
Susan>> I thought it was nice.
[GM]Dave>> Nice.
[GM]Dave>> Well, yay for you then.
[GM]Dave>> Civilization is coming to an end, but it was nice.

So, I rush to the computer, pull up the comments section, and start to read.

[GM]Dave>> They liked it.
Susan>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> They liked it?
Susan>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Wait a second...
[GM]Dave>> They actually like it?!
Susan>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> But you're a woman.

That seemed like a smart thing to say at the time.

When I woke up a few minutes later, I reevaluated and decided that perhaps I could have phrased that better.

[GM]Dave>> How could they like it?
Susan>> Well... I am awesome.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, but they can't see your ass.
[GM]Dave>> So, I don't get why they like you.

That seemed like a smart thing to say at the time...

[GM]Dave>> Okay, that's getting old.
Susan>> Stop saying stupid things.
[GM]Dave>> I can't believe they liked it.
Susan>> Oh yeah, baby.
[GM]Dave>> You're never going to let me forget this, are you?
Susan>> Hmm... uhh... umm...
Susan>> How about no?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And that's when I killed her, your honor.
Susan>> What did you say?
[GM]Dave>> Oh... nothing.
[GM]Dave>> Just practicing.

Now, I'm at work and every damned two minutes she's e-mailing me with more comments people are posting.

This is the first time I've ever actually hoped for a GM call.

Why oh why did you have to like her?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

[GM]Dave Offline - Vol. 4

Hey, guys. This is Susan.

Dave thought some of you guys might like to hear about him from my perspective.

Unfortunately, he told me not to swear too much.

I'm just kidding. Believe it or not, Dave is actually a big teddy bear.

Wow. This blogging is a lot harder than I thought it was. I really have no idea what to write.

How about how I met Dave?

We actually met in game. It was kind of funny at first because he thought I was a guy. Because every girl on the internet is actually a guy.

That's so stupid.

There's at least three real girls out there. Maybe four.

And he wasn't exactly subtle about it either. Here's a few of the questions he asked me at first.

[GM]Dave>> Why did you choose a female character?

Subtle. It's a normal enough question, but still hints at his suspicions.

[GM]Dave>> Do you have a penis?

Slightly less subtle.

I kind of understand where he's coming from, though. I've heard some nasty stories of people meeting online.

Kind of like Brokeback

Right away, I became very aware that I would have to coddle him a little and prove that I was indeed a woman.

Shortly after that, I decided it would be much funnier to play with his fragile male mind.

I'm like that.

So, in every conversation we had, I would start throwing random, ambiguous sexual references at him.

You have no idea how much fun I had.

[GM]Dave>> So what's going on?
Susan>> Not much.
Susan>> Watching the OC.
[GM]Dave>> That is such a chick show.

He makes a comment suggesting I must be a woman.

I, in turn, had to respond as if I were a man.

Susan>> Yeah, but damn that Mischa Barton is hot.
[GM]Dave>> ... uh... yeah.

Now, he's thinking I'm a guy.

Time to swing the other way.

Susan>> I was thinking of getting my hair done like hers.
Susan>> That'd be hot.
[GM]Dave>> Probably.

You'll notice he won't commit to me being hot. Heaven forbid he say another guy might be good looking.

Better safe than look gay, I guess.


He's still worried about me being a guy, though, so I have to play it up a bit.

Susan>> I would look so yummy with her hair.
[GM]Dave>> I bet you would.

I'm trying to be subtle here. He knows no man would use the word yummy.

He's starting to feel more comfortable, so I, of course, must mess with him.

Susan>> I think my girlfriend would love it.
[GM]Dave>> Your girlfriend?

Score. Right then, he's wondering if I mean girlfriend like best friend or girlfriend like girl that I'm dating.

Did he just say a guy would look yummy?


Oh, but I'm not done yet.

Susan>> Yeah.
Susan>> She is totally hot.
[GM]Dave>> ...

Now, he's really lost.

I am either:

a) a girl with a hot female friend

b) a guy with a hot girlfriend

c) a girl with a hot girlfriend.

See, now 'A' is his best possible option. 'B' would be completely out of the question.

But what about 'C'?

There's potential in 'C'.

And how would a man handle that?

[GM]Dave>> So... are you and your girlfriend close?

Now, there's a loaded question. Cuts right to the matter at hand.

If I answer yes, he might think I was a guy.

If I answer no, he might think I was a girl.

Susan>> As close as we can be.

Now, he's completely lost. I could be an aardvark for all he knows.

Damn, it's fun playing with men.

[GM]Dave>> Okay. That's enough.
Susan>> Enough what?
[GM]Dave>> Do you now or did you ever have a penis?
Susan>> Why do you ask?
[GM]Dave>> It's kind of important.
Susan>> I don't think so.
[GM]Dave>> It is if I want to ask you out.
Susan>> Do you like me?
[GM]Dave>> That depends.
[GM]Dave>> You'd have to answer my question first.
Susan>> But if I don't have a penis, you'd ask me out?
[GM]Dave>> I didn't say that.

He's starting to get defensive.

I should ease up a bit.

Susan>> Dude, you're totally gay.

Man, I made his life hell.

Don't worry. I told him the truth.

After a few days.

And since then, we've been a couple. We even met and started going out.

He made me send him like twenty pictures first, but given what I did to him, I'm not surprised.

Actually, the first picture I sent was of a guy.

I'm starting to think I may be evil.

But it all worked out in the end. He got me and I got a boyfriend who can ban people I don't like.

Win win.

Monday, June 26, 2006

[GM]Dave Offline - Vol. 3

I want you to understand how much I love being a GM.

Yeah, yeah. I know I say I hate the job sometimes, but that's only because of the players.

Customer service would be an awesome job if it wasn't for the customers.

The sheer, unadulterated power I wield is amazing. It is really quite intoxicating.

Well... the Jack Daniels helps.

There are few things I value as much as I value my position as a GM.

Here's the list in order:

1) my genitals
2) oxygen
3) being a GM
4) my computer
5) my PS2
6) Susan, probably.

So, you can imagine how I would feel about sharing that power.

Unfortunately, Susan asked me to let her "try it out".

I'm serious. That's exactly what she said.

Tomorrow, I'm going to ask her if I can borrow her ass and just "try it out".

Let's see how that goes, shall we?

Anyway, she posed the question and then I had to decide if I wanted to let her use my account.

Now, some of you are reading the list and saying "That's easy. Susan is lower on the list than being a GM. Therefore, she loses."

You silly, silly bastards.

If you check that list again, you'll notice that number 1 on that list is my genitals.

I am a man, afterall.

And since Susan is the current manager of the genital department, her happiness has a direct impact on number 1.

Thus, a simple request became a complicated system of interactions.

Plus, I totally wanted to get some, so there really was no choice involved.

Below, you will find the exact transcript of the conversation we had while she was using my account.

I'm telling you right now, that bitch better do something freaky for this or I'm going to be pissed.

[GM]Dave>> Okay, now log into Asura.
Susan>> Why Asura?
[GM]Dave>> Well... that's where the call came from.
[GM]Dave>> Otherwise, we're just loitering.
Susan>> I don't want to go to Asura.
Susan>> I want to go to Ragnarok.
[GM]Dave>> But we have to go to Asura.
Susan>> Do you always do what you're supposed to?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> So type R-A-G-N...
Susan>> Wait...
Susan>> Maybe Bismarck.
[GM]Dave>> Or I could just ban your account.
Susan>> R-A-G-N...
[GM]Dave>> Okay, now select your GM character.
Susan>> They're all men.
[GM]Dave>> And?
Susan>> Why aren't there any women?
[GM]Dave>> I don't understand the question.
Susan>> Why aren't there any female GM characters?
[GM]Dave>> Too many bannings every 28 days?
Susan>> Wow.
Susan>> That was almost funny.
[GM]Dave>> I try.
Susan>> Now what?
[GM]Dave>> We find someone to "help".
Susan>> Did you just use air quotes?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Yes.
Susan>> I've never wanted you more.
Susan>> Wait... I mean "wanted".
[GM]Dave>> Note to self: ban sarcastic Mithra bitches.
Susan>> Okay. Looking for someone to "help".
[GM]Dave>> Find someone who deserves it.
[GM]Dave>> You know. A gil seller or a botter or...
Susan>> That guy.
Susan>> He spelled Windurst with an H.
[GM]Dave>> Eh... good enough.
Susan>> What can I do with him?
[GM]Dave>> The question is what can't you do?
Susan>> Can I have 6 Galkas gang rape him?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That was a little scary.
Susan>> I'm very serious about my spelling.
[GM]Dave>> I assumed.
[GM]Dave>> No, you can't do that.
Susan>> Dammit.
Susan>> Can I just stab him in the face with my sword?
Susan>> It's all glowy.
[GM]Dave>> Sure. Why not?
Susan>> Yay!

So she runs up and, with absolutely zero warning, smashes the idiot with my greatsword.

Susan>> That was AWESOME!
[GM]Dave>> We usually like to tell them first.
[GM]Dave>> You know, give them a chance to explain.
Susan>> Do you just kill them anyway?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, but it gives them a little hope.
[GM]Dave>> I give you points for surprise, though.
Susan>> Hehe.
[GM]Dave>> Dear...
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to ask you to stop tea bagging his corpse.

She seemed to really enjoy the experience.

As a matter of fact, it got her quite excited.

I might have enjoyed the ensuing sex, had she not started screaming "BANNED, BITCH! BANNED!"

I really should have started drinking earlier.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

[GM]Dave Offline - Vol. 2

After our lovely night staying in Chez Dave, Susan was noticeably tired.

Well... she wasn't talking to me which I can only assume means she is tired.

Okay, so she was a little mad that I hated her little vacation plan. And by "a little mad", I mean "ready to choke me to death with an ethernet cable".

Given the fact that Susan was that angry with me, I decided that there were two courses of action I could follow:

1) sit down and have a nice long talk in which I apologize for my actions and reinforce a strong bond between us by opening a serious dialogue where we can each express our feelings

2) go to GameStop.

So, I'm in my car.

As usual, the freeway is a sea of anarchy.

I'm serious. One car had a pentagram painted on the hood and was randomly smashing into other vehicles.

Damned women drivers.

Didn't even use a turn signal when she was ramming people. That's just rude.

I manage to survive the ordeal and make it to the local GameStop.

Note: if you're not a gamer, you should probably stop reading right now.

You won't understand this part.

As I walk in, I'm hit with that rush. That surge of untapped potential as I gaze upon racks of unplayed games.

Daddy's home, babies.

There's something so primal about walking into a video game store. Like you just want to throw all of the games in the floor and roll around naked...


You don't do that?


Neither do I.

Well... not since that time in court.

So, I walk over to the PS2 section and slap a game out of a young child's hands.

[GM]Dave>> You shouldn't be playing that.
[GM]Dave>> Don't you know how the rating system works?
Child>> I can count to five.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. That's great.
[GM]Dave>> Shut the hell up.
Child>> Why shouldn't I get this game?
[GM]Dave>> Well... it's a Naruto game.
[GM]Dave>> That means it's only for retarded kids.
Child>> I like Naruto.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I must have missed the short bus on my way in.
Child>> I don't ride the short bus.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, yeah, Billy. Whatever.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have a handler or a trainer or something?

Why do people let their kids loose in a video game store?

I don't go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and let a pack of wild dogs free, now do I?

Well... not since that time in court.

Can't you people just lock your kids up or something?

I hear some people use leashes. Most people agree they are quite effective on children.

Or pets.

One or the other. I really don't care.

Anyway, I grab a nice RPG off the shelf.

I know. I picked up and RPG.


I walk up to the counter and immediately remember why I don't like going outside.

Other people.

Behind the counter is what I can only describe as a horrible experiment gone awry.

It's like someone found a beached manatee, slapped a name tag on him, and told him to start taking preorders on the PS3.

Gathering my patience, I walk to the counter and drop my game in front of him.

I think it was a him.

Dear God, I hope it was a him.

Now, anyone who understands the retail process can figure out what is supposed to happen here.

I lay game down, he scan game, I pay.


But counter help seem to be the only ones who do not understand the retail process.

Clerk>> Can I help you?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, I'm waiting for a bus.
[GM]Dave>> Does the route 5 come by here?
Clerk>> I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shocked. Really.
[GM]Dave>> I'd like to buy this game.
Clerk>> Would you like to place a preorder on a PS3?
[GM]Dave>> Are you even listening to the conversation?
Clerk>> Yes, sir, I am.
Clerk>> The PS3 is going to be the hot item this year.
[GM]Dave>> Does anyone else work here?
[GM]Dave>> Can I speak to someone non-retarded?
Clerk>> If you order now, you get a free t-shirt.
[GM]Dave>> Let me get this straight.
[GM]Dave>> I order a $600 game system...
[GM]Dave>> And you give me a shirt.
Clerk>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> A shirt?
Clerk>> It says "Play Beyond" on the front.
[GM]Dave>> REALLY?!
[GM]Dave>> SIGN ME UP!
Clerk>> Great. Let me just type this up.
[GM]Dave>> As you apparently do not understand sarcasm...
Clerk>> Why not?
[GM]Dave>> I already have a great gaming system that cost that much.
[GM]Dave>> It's called A COM-PU-TAR!
[GM]Dave>> Retard.
Clerk>> I heard they're making a new Naruto game for PS3.
[GM]Dave>> Do you want to hear the strange part?
[GM]Dave>> If I shot you, I'd be the criminal.

By the end, I was so damned sick of people that I just left the game on the counter.

What is wrong with stores today?

I walk in there with the express intent of giving them some of my money. They, in return, ask for even more of my money.

Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to talk to a customer service representative that treats people poorly?

I hate people.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

[GM]Dave Offline - Vol. 1

By my calculations, the theme most readers want to hear about is my real life.

Well... that and Susan riding a dragon naked while killing gil sellers and fighting the Starship Enterprise.

But that story has been done to death.

So, I am pleased to present a week of my real life exploits.

Follow along as I visit the mall, the dentist, maybe check the mail, possibly go to GameStop...

You chose this over dragons? Seriously?

Anyway, welcome to [GM]Dave Offline.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I had an early shift this morning and tomorrow is my day off, so when I got off work, Susan suggested we take a little vacation.

I, of course, explained the precarious nature of leveling my crafts and that she should perhaps go to hell.

This did not go over well.

So, we were going on vacation.

What's the exact opposite of "yay"?

After spending an hour and a half packing, we hopped in the car and were off.

By an hour and a half of packing, I mean that I took two minutes to throw some clothes and my laptop in a plastic bag and Susan spent 90 minutes accessorizing or color coding or whatever the hell women do.

She could have hidden a nuclear weapon in the pile of suitcases she had packed. Imagine if we had been going away for two days.

We drove for about six hours. Actually, it was just under six hours.

I know that because we listened to the FFXI soundtrack three times.

That's when Susan told me to turn into a hotel.

I use that term very, very loosely.

This was a hotel like The View is a television show. It barely met the requirements and only retarded people would find it acceptable.

So, we drive up to the "hotel" and start to unload our bags. Susan seemed to be having trouble carrying all of her bags.

I would have helped, honestly, but I was too busy not caring.

We get to the desk and Susan starts asking entirely inane questions.

Things like checkout times and room service.

I quickly pushed her out of the way to ask the most pertinent question:

[GM]Dave>> Do you use DSL or wireless in the rooms?
Clerk>> ...
Clerk>> Excuse me?
[GM]Dave>> Internet access. What kind?
[GM]Dave>> I brought an ethernet cable just in case.
Clerk>> Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

And I swear to God, he had the nerve to say

Clerk>> We don't have internet access here.

I actually had to stop an interpret this sentence.

He must be speaking another language for which I do not understand the language or grammatical form. Surely, he did not just say they do not have internet access.

[GM]Dave>> I think I misheard you.
[GM]Dave>> It sounded like you said no internet.
Clerk>> I did, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Clerk>> ... uhh... I don't think...

That's when I pulled him across the counter by his throat.


Honestly, I'm pretty sure I can plead justifiable homicide.

Who in this day and age doesn't have internet access?

That's like finding out they just discovered fire or something.

Why am I even in a place that does not have internet access? Had I driven off the edge of the Earth?

Maybe I was in hell.

Not that I've ever done anything to deserve that, right?


You're awful damn quiet.

Susan>> Honey, it's okay.
[GM]Dave>> No. No it's not.
[GM]Dave>> There's nothing okay about this.
Susan>> I knew they didn't have the internet.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Susan>> Dear, that's not funny.
[GM]Dave>> A few minutes of oxygen deprevation and it'll get funny.
Susan>> I chose this place because they don't have the internet.
Susan>> I wanted to spend some time away from the computer.
[GM]Dave>> I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> There's an away from the computer now?
[GM]Dave>> Do you mean like AFK?
Susan>> You need some time offline.
Susan>> It'll be fun.
[GM]Dave>> Yay! We're having non-internet related fun.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't we just chisel pictures on cave walls?
Susan>> Lots of people don't have the internet.
[GM]Dave>> Name three.

We went back and forth for a couple of minutes...

Or hours...

It's hard to tell with no on-screen clock to go by.

Damned analog planet.

We finally decided to get back into the car and drive until we found a suitable place to stay for the night with internet access.

Guess what? Turns out there's a really nice place with excellent service and everything I need.

It's called MY DAMNED HOUSE!

Note to self: stop going outside. Outside bad.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Fan Club Theme Week

It's that time again, folks.

It's time for the [GM]Dave Fan Club Gift Pack.

Please, please.

Hold your applause until the end.

As usual, any reader who donates $5 or more during the month (up until I send out the packages) to help support [GM]Dave will receive a special Fan Club gift pack via e-mail. This is just a small token of thanks for the many people who help me out.

I take care of my own.

The gift pack includes:

- exclusive stories
- wallpapers
- pictures
- fan art
- special add ons
- whatever else I can think of

This month, however, I thought we could do something fun. I've got lots of stories that I've never told you and I have decided to let the fans decide what stories I will post this week.

Or, basically, who I will go and torture to make a story.

I do that, too.

Thus, I give you FAN CLUB THEME WEEK.

Some possible themes include:

a) Susan

- more stories about the relationship between someone with almost god-like power over one of the most amazing sources of entertainment on our planet and [GM]Dave

b) Real life

- more stories of the daily annoyances that compose my life offline and the many reasons why I wish I owned a dragon.

c) Memoirs of [GM]Takana

- a history of the late [GM]Takana, known to his friends as Tak.

d) Jormungand / Dragonpalooza 2006

- your favourite and mine, stories of dragon-related deaths.

e) Gil Seller Justice

- more stories involving the torture and killing of the most hated species in Vana'diel. No, I don't mean Galkas.

Just post your choice (or another suggestion) in the comments section of this post. At the end of each day, I will tabulate the results and choose a theme.

If two choices are close, I may vary the theme a little or have a theme crossover.

Like the time Susan got eaten by a dragon.


This week is all about what the readers want to see.

Also, if there's anything else you'd like to see included in the gift pack, post your suggestions and I'll see what I can do.

No nude photos of Susan.

The last time I posted those on the internet, things did not go well.

And, as always, the reader who donates the most in any given month will be given the opportunity to participate in the blog.

This may involve getting eaten by a dragon.

Donators beware.

All right. There you have it.

Get posting and we'll see where your choices take us.

Or who your choices get tormented.

See? I'm totally a nice guy.

Unless you annoy me.

And then replace "gift pack" with "incendiary device".

Thursday, June 22, 2006

[GM]Dave Gets Banned

Calm down.

Not that kind of banned.

This kind is much, much, MUCH worse.

I'm having a very bad night.

See, my girlfriend Susan likes to read my blog sometimes.

I mean, come on. I'm awesome.

Usually, her reading the blog is good for me. Getting to see me in action and hear my stories always makes her laugh.

She seems to understand me fairly well.

Unfortunately, my views on marriage do not apparently translate well for the female species.

It appears that her idea of marriage

does not match up well with my opinion of marriage

Any of you with a girlfriend (yes, both of you) will understand what a bad thing this can be.

This is bad for [GM]Dave as it disrupts his needs.

See, I really only need Susan for one or two things.

Well... three if she's been drinking.

Yes, yes. I love her to death and I love being with her yada yada yada.

But this is a basic physical NEED we're talking about.

So, her being all pissed off is not helping me right now.

I'll translate a conversation we had tonight into language you may be more familiar with.

[GM]Dave>> HOT/MAN (( Looking for group)) !
Susan>> (( Congratulations! ))
[GM]Dave>> (( Team up? ))
Susan>> (( No thanks. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( Gather together.))
[GM]Dave>> (( Just for a short time is fine. ))
Susan>> (( I have nothing to give you. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( Help me out! ))
Susan>> (( I'm sorry. I'm busy. ))
Susan>> (( I'm playing solo right now. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( Really? ))
[GM]Dave>> (( Do you need any help? ))
Susan>> (( Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( Please let me join. ))
Susan>> (( I'm not up for it. ))
[GM]Dave>> (( Sell? ))

Now, right there is where I got slapped.

I'm still not quite sure what went wrong there.

Maybe I should have said please.


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Hot Girl On Girl Action

Okay. Calm down.

There will be no hardcore pornography on the blog today.


Don't leave!

One of the most interesting/weirdest things about this game is that the wedding system (that we've already discussed) does not allow for characters of the same gender to marry.

Apparently, it's okay in a fantasy setting for people to walk around with pet dragons, but not for two boys/girls to hold hands.

Because two people of the same gender being in love would just tear the fabric of the universe asunder.

I mean, that never happens in real life.

Some of you may be thinking that [GM]Dave is actually against this policy.

You would be wrong.

I really don't care.

Some of you may be thinking that means [GM]Dave is actually for this policy.

You'd also be wrong.

I don't care about most things.

Your business is your business. As long as whatever you are doing doesn't involve third party software or selling gil, I don't really mind.

I don't give a sweet damn about this policy one way or the other because IT'S A FREAKIN' GAME.

If you need to be married that bad, go play the Sims or something.

The only reason this policy even affects me is the sheer volume of people who complain about it.

Yes, yes. It sucks for you. I know.

Still don't care.

The funny part of this policy is that many of the people who play female characters are actually males.

You're shocked, I'm sure.

This is funny on multiple levels:

a) that guy playing a Mithra who is complaining about not being able to marry his Elvaan girlfriend is actually dating another guy.

It's like multidimensional homosexuality.

The metagay, if you will.

b) that guy playing a Mithra meets a woman playing a female character, but can't marry her even though they are not of the same gender.

We don't care what you are in the real world. It's your virtual "equipment" that dictates policy.

So, you can imagine some of the calls I get about this policy and it's earth-shattering impact.

Just this morning, in fact, I got a very serious (read: hilarious) GM call from a "Mithra".

I use quotation marks because the Mithra in question was actually a man and I don't say Manthra because I'm not retarded.

GM Call Description: Can't get married. Help!

Good thing (s)he said help. I never would have figured it out.

For a second there, I thought it was observational comedy.

Because I never fail to be amused by this, I immediately log in.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you cheated a transaction.
Player>> Huh?
[GM]Dave>> She traded you the free milk.
[GM]Dave>> It's time to purchase the cow.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> I want to get married.
[GM]Dave>> Then what the problem is?
Player>> The wedding system won't accept my application.
[GM]Dave>> Did you put a cover sheet on it?
Player>> A what?
[GM]Dave>> We sent out a memo about it.
Player>> I didn't get a memo.
[GM]Dave>> Nevermind.
[GM]Dave>> Let me look into it for you.

*looks up his application*

[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you kidding me?
Player>> No.
Player>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> Well... I'm no biologist but...
[GM]Dave>> I'm pretty sure you're both Mithras.
Player>> Oh yeah. I could have told you that.
[GM]Dave>> And yet you did not.
[GM]Dave>> How convenient.
[GM]Dave>> And by convenient, I mean retarded.
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Retarded. Noun. The state of being...
Player>> I know what retarded means.
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you ask?
Player>> I meant "why is us being Mithra retarded?"
[GM]Dave>> Remember the rule about no same gender marriage?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Do you not know where I'm going with this?
Player>> But I'm really a guy.
[GM]Dave>> Suurrrrreee you are.
Player>> I am!
[GM]Dave>> Listen, Suzie...
[GM]Dave>> May I call you Suzie?
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Same gender marriage is against game policy, Suzie.
[GM]Dave>> So's your "girlfriend" most likely.
[GM]Dave>> All Mithra are guys.
Player>> No, they're not.
[GM]Dave>> Are you a Mithra?
Player>> ... Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Are you a guy?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And 2 plus 2 equals?
Player>> But we want to get married.
[GM]Dave>> If you wanted to get married...
[GM]Dave>> Why would you choose a female character?
Player>> Well... I figured if I had to look at an ass for hours...
Player>> It might as well be a female ass.
[GM]Dave>> What's wrong with a male character?
Player>> Staring at a guy's ass for 8 hours a day?
Player>> I don't know. Seems kind of gay.
[GM]Dave>> Oh yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That is so much more gay than having a vagina.
Player>> Can't you change my race or something?
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> I could try I suppose.
Player>> Excellent.
[GM]Dave>> Let's spin THE WHEEL OF RACES!
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> Click clack click clack click clack
[GM]Dave>> And your new race is...

*a few quick key presses*

Player>> A GOBLIN?!
[GM]Dave>> Good luck with the wedding.
[GM]Dave>> You should have specified.
Player>> You didn't give me time!
Player>> You just spun a wheel!
[GM]Dave>> There wasn't really a wheel.
[GM]Dave>> That was me going click clack.
Player>> I KNOW THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Do you want me to change your race again?
Player>> Yes, please.
Player>> Thank you.
Player>> I'd like to be a...
[Gm]Dave>> Click clack click clack click clack
Player>> DAMMIT!

*press a few buttons*

Player>> A GIGAS?!
Player>> That's not even funny.
[GM]Dave>> Are you whining again?
[GM]Dave>> Damned whiny chicks.
Player>> I'M A GUY!!!
[GM]Dave>> I don't think so.
[GM]Dave>> Do Gigas have genders?
Player>> CHANGE ME BACK!!!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
Player>> YES!
[GM]Dave>> Yes, Ma'am.

*press a few more buttons*

Player>> A GOBLIN AGAIN?!!!
[GM]Dave>> You said back.
[GM]Dave>> You did.
Player>> I meant to a Mithra.
[GM]Dave>> Ooooooohhhhhhhhh.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> No. Adverb. Used to express refusal...
[GM]Dave>> Then stop asking questions.
Player>> NOW!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I can't do that?
Player>> YOU CAN'T?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say "can't"?
[GM]Dave>> I meant "won't".
Player>> WHY NOT?
[GM]Dave>> Cause then you won't be able to get married.
Player>> ...
Player>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> Look on the bright side...
[GM]Dave>> You get to marry the "woman" you love.
Player>> I guess.
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Have a good day, Suzie.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> Whatever.

So, I bid Suzie farewell and head back to crafting.

I had barely started when I got another GM call.

From the same "guy".


[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with something?
Player>> The system still won't accept my application.
Player>> Why not?
[GM]Dave>> I told you.
[GM]Dave>> No same gender marriage.
Player>> But you changed my race and gender.
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about changing gender?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

/Check It, Bitches

I spent the morning with a friend of mine in Dev and he hooked me up with some new designs he's been working on.

Say hello to Vana'diel's first Elvaan GM.

And my brand new Judge's Lance.

Judge's Lance (Rare/Ex)
DMG: 100, Delay: 100
Special Effect: Deluxe Package
GM's Only

Time to go murder some gil sellers IN STYLE.

Monday, June 19, 2006

People Not Liking You =/= Discrimination

Why is it when something bad happens to someone else it's funny, but when it happens to you it's discrimination?

I'm sure you're very cool.

I bet all of the other guys in the A/V club think you're "leet".

But that doesn't mean that anyone not liking you must be discrimination.

Let's look at the definition of discrimination, shall we?

Discrimination (noun): The differential treatment of individuals considered to belong to particular groups or categories, usually related to race, religion, gender, or physical/mental disabilities.

Now, unless you are trying to argue that people calling you stupid falls under "mental disabilities", you can shut the hell up right now.

People are not discriminating against you when they don't invite you to parties.

People are not discriminating against you when they don't let you participate in events.

People are not discriminating against you when they don't respond to you.

They just don't like you.

And as awesome as you think you are, people are free to not like you.

I know it can be confusing. You are so incredibly cool (except replace the word "cool", with "the total opposite of cool") and yet they still don't like you.

Obviously, there must be something else wrong. Obviously, there must be some form of discrimination.

I mean, how could anyone not like you?

Trust me. It's not that hard.

Today, I was doing my usual routine. Craft, ignore GM call, craft, ignore GM call.

Whisky, ignore GM call.

Just as one of my synths finished, yet another GM call popped up.

I should really find a way to remove the entire GM call function. It would save me so much time.

But this one looked different.

GM Call Description: Player Discrimination. Please Investigate.

I was torn. I hate discrimination, but at the same time, my moron detector was lit up like a Christmas tree.


I really need to start drinking more.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you are being persecuted.
[GM]Dave>> Do you need help organizing a march?
Player>> No, I am being discriminated against.
[GM]Dave>> That's what persecuted means, genius.
Player>> You need to go ban them.
[GM]Dave>> Them who?
Player>> THEM.
Player>> The people who are discriminating me.
[GM]Dave>> It's like trying to talk to a wall.
Player>> What do u mean?
[GM]Dave>> Listen carefully.
[GM]Dave>> WHO
[GM]Dave>> IZ
[GM]Dave>> THEY?
Player>> It's a linkshell.
[GM]Dave>> A linkshell is discriminating against you?
Player>> Totally.
[GM]Dave>> And how exactly are they doing this?
Player>> They won't give me a pearl.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> They won't give you a pearl.
Player>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> And you call this discrimination.
Player>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> And you're obviously retarded.
Player>> Ye... HEY!
[GM]Dave>> I am oh so sorry for your oppression.
[GM]Dave>> I cannot imagine what you have endured.
Player>> It's unfair.
[GM]Dave>> Being retarded often is.
[GM]Dave>> You do get good parking spots though.
Player>> I mean them not giving me a pearl.
[GM]Dave>> So you're cool with being retarded?
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
Player>> I'm not retarded.
[GM]Dave>> That's it.
[GM]Dave>> Never give up.
Player>> Are you going to ban them or not?
[GM]Dave>> Let me review my manual.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> I'm leaning toward no here.
Player>> What do you mean no?
[GM]Dave>> It's just like yes. Only not.
[GM]Dave>> And it comes with a side order of kiss my ass.
Player>> But discrimination is against the ToS.
[GM]Dave>> Yes. Yes, it is.
[GM]Dave>> But people hating you for being stupid is not.
Player>> They're being elitist.
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Fine, let me go talk to the leader.

Minutes pass...

[GM]Dave>> What a nice guy.
[GM]Dave>> Good news. We worked it out.
Player>> They're giving me a pearl?
[GM]Dave>> No. You're still retarded.
[GM]Dave>> But they did give me a pearl.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> Isn't it a lovely shade of blue?
[GM]Dave>> Hold on a second.
[GM]Dave>> Chatting in my LS.
[GM]Dave>> This player I'm talking to is a total retard.
[GM]Dave>> mt
[GM]Dave>> Uh oh.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. That comment qualifies as discrimination.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I have to suspend you now.
[GM]Dave>> Well, by "suspend", I actually mean "ban".
[GM]Dave>> But you get the gist.
[GM]Dave>> My hands are tied. I'd help you out...
[GM]Dave>> But I already filed a complaint.
[GM]Dave>> And we take all complaints like this seriously.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Tough call.
[GM]Dave>> Were you offended by your comments, too?
[GM]Dave>> I'll make a note on your file.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what good that will do.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, two people have complained about you.
Player>> @%^#$%#$&%^@!*%^&*
[GM]Dave>> I can transfer you to our complaints manager.


[GM]Dave>> Are you a fan of irony?


Player>> Oh crap.

Jormungand hits Player for 15,293 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Haha. That retard just got killed.
[GM]Dave>> Dammit. mt

Listen. Everyone has the right to not like you.

They don't have to include you. No matter what your mom says.

Please stop saying discrimination.

If you do not, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Seriously. I just delete the logs when I'm done, so they really can't hold me responsible.

And remember, dragons never discriminate.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

[GM]Dave Does Not Do Parties

Would you call 911 because you thought it would be cool to meet a police officer?

Would you rush into the emergency room just to meet a doctor?

Sane people would answer no to these questions.

So why is it I keep getting requests to "come hang out with us"?

The GM Call system is for EMERGENCIES ONLY.


Do you understand?

I'm not here to come to your events.

I'm not here to "party with you".

I'm here to feed people to dragons.

Now, if you should choose to request my presense at some form of social event, you're asking for trouble.

You're practically asking me to bring a giant Wyrm to your house and have it ingest you.

Personally, I would prefer to NOT be eaten by a dragon.

Maybe that's just me.

And yet, people who seem perfectly rational continue to send GM calls asking for me to come and meet them.

Lesson of the Day: Be careful what you wish for.

So, yesterday afternoon, I was working on a set of TPS reports and cover sheets (read: working on my smithing skill and a bottle of whisky) when I received a GM call from a player name Myria.

GM Call Description: I apparently do not value my life or character. Murder me via dragon, please.

Wait... that's not quite right...

I'm paraphrasing again.

GM Call Description: Having an event. Want [GM]Dave to come.

Now, it's not that I don't like getting invited.

I really do.

But honestly, guys, I have stuff to do.

These bottles don't just empty themselves, you know.

Still... there may be a perfectly logical reason why they'd want a GM there.

At least, they better hope there's a good reason.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand there's a problem with the roof.
Myria>> What?
[GM]Dave>> The roof...
[GM]Dave>> It's on (( Fire )).
Myria>> lol
Myria>> We don't need no (( Water )).
[GM]Dave>> Did you just say lol?
[GM]Dave>> Seriously?
Myria>> I was laughing.
[GM]Dave>> So just type Ha ha.
Myria>> Oh... kay.
[GM]Dave>> And if you type 'w', I swear to God...
Myria>> No lol's, no w's.
Myria>> Gotcha.
[GM]Dave>> Good. That's good.
[GM]Dave>> Now, I understand you're having a party.
Myria>> Kind of.
Myria>> It's my brother's birthday.
[GM]Dave>> That's nice.
[GM]Dave>> And you needed a GM because...
Myria>> I thought it would be nice to invite you.
[GM]Dave>> Despite my fondness for killing people?
Myria>> Oh you can kill him.
Myria>> I don't mind.
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about him?
Myria>> Would it help if I apologized?
[GM]Dave>> It might make me giggle.
Myria>> Please.
Myria>> Could you just say Happy Birthday to him?
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> Where is he?
Myria>> His name's Malaign and he's probably in Sky.
Myria>> Actually, he's probably getting killed by a Pot.
[GM]Dave>> How do you know?
Myria>> It happens a lot.

So, I run a quick check for his brother.

Name's Malaign. He's in Sky. Getting killed by a Pot so he's probably a...

[GM]Dave>> He's a Monk.
Myria>> That's him.
[GM]Dave>> How exactly does a Monk aggro a Pot?
Myria>> I don't actually know.
Myria>> He's talented.
[GM]Dave>> Or borderline retarded.
Myria>> That too.
[GM]Dave>> Because the suffering of mortals amuses me...
[GM]Dave>> Let's go see your brother.

I warp us both directly to Sky and it's honestly true.

There was Malaign. A Monk. Getting beaten down by a Pot.

Words fail me.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I'm here to council you on suicide.
Malaign>> Help me!
[GM]Dave>> And why would I do that?
Malaign>> It's my birthday.
[GM]Dave>> Let me get the confetti.
Malaign>> Could you at least Cure me?
[GM]Dave>> Well... I could do that.
[GM]Dave>> But then you wouldn't learn anything.
Malaign>> Come on.
Malaign>> It's my birthday for God's sake.
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> I'll Raise you when you die.
Malaign>> Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.

Since it was his birthday afterall, I decided to spare his life.

I'm a softy.

I pull out my Great Sword and one shot the Pot.

[GM]Dave>> There. You're safe.
[GM]Dave>> But you're not getting a present.
Malaign>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> Eh, don't worry about it.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> Are you wearing a subligar?
Malaign>> Yeah.
Malaign>> I think they're cool.


Malaign>> What's going on?!
[GM]Dave>> You have been found guilty.
Malaign>> Of what?
[GM]Dave>> Crimes against eyesight.
[GM]Dave>> How do you plead?
Malaign>> You already found me guilty.
[GM]Dave>> Justice is efficient.
[GM]Dave>> What can I say?
Malaign>> But it's my birthday!
[GM]Dave>> Wow.
[GM]Dave>> That and 20 gil will buy you some copper ore.
Malaign>> This is unfair.
[GM]Dave>> If you can't do the time...
[GM]Dave>> Don't wear the panties.
Malaign>> Can't we work something out?
[GM]Dave>> Sure we can.

Jormungand hits Malaign for 13,854 points of damage.
Malaign was defeated by Jormungand.
Malaign falls to level 74.

[GM]Dave>> Happy Birthday, by the way.
Myria>> lol

Jormungand hits Myria for 14,669 points of damage.
Myria was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I warned you.

I like parties. I really, really do.

But you probably shouldn't invite me to your party unless there's an emergency.

Or you really like dragons.

Friday, June 16, 2006


Why do people have to screw up a good system?

I know it's hard for some of you to actually think of others, but it would make life mucher easier for everyone.

Believe it or not, there are other people who live on YOUR planet.

Now, if there's anything I hate, it's drama.

I mean damn, you emo bitches. Can't you just write that shit in your journal, listen to your Papa Roach CDs, and leave the rest of us the hell alone?

And there is no drama worse than End Game drama. It's as if being level 75 somehow elevates the importance of your problems.

So, End Game linkshells on several servers have organized systems to reduce the amount of pathetic drama going on.

End Game linkshells on some servers even run an agreed upon event schedule so that everyone can know what's going on, so that this kind of bullshit doesn't happen.

My main server, for example, has an schedule website where linkshells can block out certain time periods for certain events, so that there is no crossover.

Smart, huh?

Instead of people bitching and moaning about "Oh, it's our turn to do Dynamis" or "Wah, we wanted to run that event now", these people got their shit together and worked out a scheduling system.

No more bitching. No more drama. No more emo forum threads about how this linkshell stole your cat or whatever the hell you people argue about.


Unfortunately, the scheduling system has one minor flaw. It requires that people NOT BE COMPLETELY FREAKING RETARDED!

What good is a scheduling system if you're just going to ignore it when it suits your needs?

If someone dared to interfere with your scheuleded event, you'd be the first person calling a GM.

You know you would.

But, for some reason, you think the same rules don't apply to you.

Rules are fun when they're working for you, aren't they?

The other night, I was on my main character and my LS was setting up for Dynamis. We had scheduled a Dynamis-Windurst run and we were just starting to organize when another LS JUMPS AHEAD OF US AND ENTERS DYNAMIS.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Man, did those guys ever have bad timing.

Seems I have to educate them on the finer points of End Game etiquette.

I didn't want to draw any attention to myself, so I left my main character logged in and slid my chair over to Susan's computer.

Not like she was doing anything important anyway. Who the hell needs a Thief's Knife?

I quickly log into my GM account and warp myself to Dynamis.

Some bitches is gonna die.

Let's review my choices:

a) explain the nature of the scheduling system, reprimand them, and tell them to be more careful in future

b) issue them all warnings and then remove them from the area

c) ban them

d) deluxe package

e) annoy and torture them until they either quit or kill themselves

Well, c through e all sound good, but damn if e doesn't win.

A couple of quick clicks and...

DynamisLord>> Hail, Adventurers.
DynamisLord>> Apparently, you were raised by wolves.
Player1>> HOLY SHIT!
Player2>> Dynamis Lord!!!
Player3>> He's not supposed to be here!
Player2>> Why the hell is he talking like that?!
DynamisLord>> Today, we're going to learn about sharing.
DynamisLord>> Sharing is very important.
Player4>> When did Dynamis Lord turn into a muppet?
DynamisLord>> How about we try sharing, boys and girls?
Player3>> This is ridiculous.
Player3>> I thought he was supposed to be all scary.
DynamisLord>> Let's share some new friends.
Player1>> WTF?!!

Right in front of them, I spawned a wave of Avatar Idols.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, Avatar Idols are special Dynamis monsters that look like statues of birds.

DynamisLord>> Avatar Idols are also good at sharing.
DynamisLord>> See, Avatar Idols like to share their friends.

That's when each of the idols spawned a number of monsters to help them. Assassins and Chanters and Sentinels.

Suddenly, there was an army of Yagudo ready to educate this entire linkshell.

And by "educate", I mean "mercilessly destroy".

Player1>> BLACK MAGES!

Seems Player1, their leader, didn't see me walk up behind him.

At least, I don't think he saw me.

He sure did look surprised when I "shared" my axe with his torso.

DynamisLord>> Isn't sharing fun?

I think that LS really learned something that day.

Most of them also learned to breathe through a sliced trachea, but the most important lesson was the sharing.

Seriously, people. Don't be total dicks. Have some courtesy for your fellow player.

Otherwise, you may find yourself with a torso full of giant axe.

Good lesson there.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

[GM]Dave Gets Some

Now, you may think my life revolves around FFXI.

Well... you'd be right.

But I do make time for the love of my life, my beautiful girlfriend...


Hold on. I remember her name.


I know she plays a Mithra.



I think.

Anyway, yesterday evening we decided to log out of our characters and have some "us time".

And by "us time" I mean "naked time".


Now, this was a major event. Not only because I am so damned good, but also because we actually logged out of our characters.

During peak time.

That's love.

[GM]Dave>> Pulling!!! ----> Shirt! <>
[GM]Dave>> Heading back to camp.
Susan>> Ready here.
Susan>> (( Ready to Start Skillchain! ))
Susan>> (( Can I have it? ))
[GM]Dave>> Oh, yeah, baby.
[GM]Dave>> (( Turn your party flag on. ))
Susan>> Oh damn.
Susan>> Hold on a second.

Suddenly, she jumps up and runs out of the room.

[GM]Dave>> Uhh... what the hell?
[GM]Dave>> (( I want experience points. ))
Susan>> Hold on, hold on.
Susan>> I'll only be a minute.


About five minutes later, she runs back in and hops on the bed.

[GM]Dave>> About damned time.
[GM]Dave>> Where were you?
Susan>> Nevermind.
Susan>> Let's get back to where we were.
[GM]Dave>> ... You convinced me.
Susan>> That was really hard.
[GM]Dave>> You're the one who ran out.
[GM]Dave>> Give me a minute.

Things started to heat up again, but then she jumped up and left the room.


[GM]Dave>> This isn't funny.
[GM]Dave>> What the hell are you doing?
Susan>> Don't worry about it.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not worried about it.
[GM]Dave>> I just don't want to start without you.
Susan>> How romantic.
[GM]Dave>> That's me, baby. Mr. Romantic.
[GM]Dave>> Now get your ass back in here.

She finally runs back in and practically tackles me.

This is more like it.

I'm just getting ready to equip the old "Ban Stick", when she runs out AGAIN!!!

[GM]Dave>> What are you doing?
Susan>> Nothing.
Susan>> I'll be right there.
[GM]Dave>> Well, why don't you come back.
[GM]Dave>> We can do something.
[GM]Dave>> Something is better than nothing.
Susan>> Give me one more second.
[GM]Dave>> Hurry up.
Susan>> I'm coming, I'm coming.
[GM]Dave>> Well, that was quick.
Susan>> Ha Ha.

I'm just starting to get really pissed, when she comes back in through the door.

This time she doesn't even make it as far as the bed. She walks in and then turns and dashs back out the door.

Susan>> Sozu Rogberry is going to spawn soon.
Susan>> I really want that Knife.
Susan>> I'll only be a second, you big baby.
Susan>> Control yourself.
[GM]Dave>> Did you forget to take your medication?
Susan>> Well, aren't we funny?
[GM]Dave>> It's not like I have anything better to do.
Susan>> I'll be right there!

I couldn't believe this bullshit. Leaving me in the middle of "us time" to camp for a stupid Knife.

That's just plain damned ridiculous.

Susan>> Are you really mad?
[GM]Dave>> YES, I'M MAD!
Susan>> I'm sorry, honey.
Susan>> It's okay. I'll logout.
[GM]Dave>> Don't bother.
[GM]Dave>> I don't care anymore.
Susan>> I said I was sorry.
[GM]Dave>> You're ignoring me for a game!
[GM]Dave>> I should be more important!
Susan>> You are, you are.
Susan>> I'm really sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Fine. Whatever.
Susan>> Do you really forgive me?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, I guess.
Susan>> So...
Susan>> Can we pick up where we left off?
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
Susan>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> But can we hurry this up?
[GM]Dave>> I've got Dynamis in like 5 minutes.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The New

I have been in a little bit of a rut lately.

Not that I'm complaining, but I feel like I haven't been challenging myself.

It seems my daily routine just became a little too routine.

Wake up, work, craft, drink, feed Jormy, ban, repeat.

It's a good life, I'll agree, but it doesn't provide me much room to stretch myself. It doesn't let me express my opinion (read: barely repressed rage) in new and creative ways.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love feeding idiots to Jormy.

Love it, love it, love it.

But where's the challenge in it?

So, with this new epiphany, I decided to try new and interesting ways of torturing people.

[GM]Dave is all about the New.

Don't worry, though. Jormy will still be around. And getting fed on a regular basis.

There's no justice more powerful than dragon-related justice.

Plus, he makes me laugh.

All this means is that between the Jormy feedings, I'll be trying out other means of disciplining the unwashed masses of Vana'diel. I will also be writing more about my life outside the game.

Today, I decided to define new methods of "customer service".

Thus, I give you: IRONY

I was so serious in this endeavor that I was actually paying attention to GM calls.

I know, I know. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

But if I want to do this right, I need to find the perfect call. A call so powerfully retarded that it inspires me to new heights of cruelty.


GM Call Description: Suspected AH Bot


Not bad, but it really doesn't give me much room to work.

Plus, bots rarely scream or break down in tears. What would be the point?

Moving on...


GM Call Description: Player swearing at me


We should really put in a command that would allow you to block other players from sending you messages. Perhaps a list of people that you don't want to talk to.

I really should talk to one of the developers.

Next call...


GM Call Description: Player using FleeTool.

And there it is. Just the right amount of stupidity with just a dash of retardation.


I immediately log into Quetzalcoatl and head over to Gusgen Mines.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> May glorious blah blah blah
[GM]Dave>> What's up?
Player>> I've been trying to mine all morning.
Player>> But this idiot is stealing all of my mining points.
[GM]Dave>> And how is he stealing them?
Player>> He's following me and then running past me.
[GM]Dave>> Psssttt
[GM]Dave>> Say FleeTool.
Player>> He's using FleeTool...
Player>> Uh... yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure he isn't just using Flee?
Player>> I guess he could be.
[GM]Dave>> Psssttt
[GM]Dave>> Say no.
Player>> No. No he isn't.
[GM]Dave>> I will investigate this immediately.

Now, my first inclination is to confront the cheater, insult him a bit, and then give him the Deluxe Package.

I love the Deluxe Package.

But today is about the New. The Deluxe Package can wait until tomorrow.

I run a few security programs and right away can see that he's using FleeTool and a few other Third Party Programs.

Third Party Programs make [GM]Dave angry.

[GM]Dave smash.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> How's the mining today?
Cheater>> Umm... good.
Cheater>> Inventory is almost full.
[GM]Dave>> I noticed that you were running a lot.
Cheater>> Oh yeah...
Cheater>> See.. my machine is overclocked.
Cheater>> It just looks like I'm running a lot.
[GM]Dave>> Ah.
[GM]Dave>> You should be careful when overclocking.
[GM]Dave>> It can damage your computer.
Cheater>> I know, but I like the speed increase.
[GM]Dave>> Perhaps I can help.
[GM]Dave>> I can adjust your speed to run faster.
[GM]Dave>> Then, you wouldn't need to overclock.
Cheater>> ...
Cheater>> Are you serious? You can do that?
[GM]Dave>> Well... we're not supposed to.
[GM]Dave>> But I do a lot of things I'm not supposed to.

[GM]Dave synthesized an Understatement +1.

Cheater>> And that's not cheating?
Cheater>> I don't want to cheat.

Cheater synthesized an Irony +1.

[GM]Dave>> Oh, don't you worry about that.
[GM]Dave>> I'd never help someone cheat.
Cheater>> Cool!
Cheater>> Let's do it!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, I'll make the adjustment now.
Cheater>> SWEET!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, start running.
Cheater>> HOLYSHIT!
Cheater>> THIS IS INSANE!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm glad you like it.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Cheater>> No, I'm having too much fun running around.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. Have fun.

And so I logged out and went back to crafting.

It's nice finding new ways to help people, isn't it?

Okay, did you really think I'd let him off that easy?

I'm going for new, not retarded.

About five minutes later, I got another GM call.

And wouldn't you know it? It was from the cheater.

GM Call Description: Serious glitch. Need help.

So, I log back in and head back over to Gusgen Mines.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Something else I can help you with?
Cheater>> I can't stop running.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you mean.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> But you like running.
Cheater>> PLEASE HELP!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> We're not supposed to adjust player settings.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> I don't get your point.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I can't do that.
Cheater>> YES YOU CAN!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I know I could do that.
[GM]Dave>> But it's funnier this way.
Cheater>> OHSHIT! AGGRO!
[GM]Dave>> What did you expect running around like that?
[GM]Dave>> You should be more careful.
Cheater>> I'M DEAD!
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Cheater>> FIX THIS!
[GM]Dave>> So no then?

I must admit, watching his corpse slide around Gusgen in Flee was just damned funny.

Poor bastard just gave up and HPed.

Wait.. did I forget to mention changing his homepoint?

I hope he likes Cape Terrigan.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

[GM]Dave Goes Outside

Alternate Title: "There are no spawn points in RL."

Today was my day off.

Did I get to spend the day partying? Crafting? Questing?


I had to go to the damned DMV.

For those of you who play 23 hours a day, those rectangular things in the walls around you are doors.

They lead to the outside world. A world full of fresh air and natural sunlight.

Just saying it makes me ill.

But, alas, I was forced into the "real" world and actually had to interact with other human beings.

This is never a good thing.

If you think I have a low tolerance for stupidity in game, you cannot even comprehend the infinitesimal amount of patience I have for the meat puppets in the real world.

Anyone know where I can pick up a dragon?

So, I head out and immediately, I'm assaulted by a flying newspaper.

This is strange as I do not actually subscribe to a newspaper. I mean who in the hell still reads hardcopy?

I decided to correct the paperboy by waving my hand and talking to him.

Except replace "waving my hand" with "throwing a rock".

And replace "talking to him" with "knocking him unconscious".

Dave 1, World 0.

I will admit, he looked confused as he awoke to a strange man screaming "STONE III, PUNK!"

A second rock took care of that.

Having survived my first ordeal, I get in my car and hit the freeway. During the ten minute drive, I am almost killed 6 times by other "drivers".

I use quotation marks because what they were doing can only be considered driving in the most liberal sense of the word.

I made a mental note to ban them later.

Old habits die hard.

Still avoiding the hapless idiots who somehow managed to start their cars, I see my exit coming up.

Haha, bitches. I survived.

Dave 2, World 0.

I arrive at the DMV to find all of the parking spots are heavily camped. As soon as one appears, it's instantly claimed.

Damned car botters.

Dave 2, World 1.

With a sigh, I step into the building.

And into a giant line up.


Dave 2, World 2.

Someone tries to cut the line and claim the ??? before his turn.

A quick clothesline to the trachea reaffirms his understanding of the line system.

Dave 3, World 2.

I finally get to the head of the line.

The counter NPC finally opens up and I rush up to her.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, DMV maiden.
DMVLady>> Excuse me?
[GM]Dave>> Force of habit.
[GM]Dave>> I need to renew my Ballista license.
DMVLady>> Your what?
[GM]Dave>> DAMMIT.
[GM]Dave>> Driver's License.
DMVLady>> Okay, sir.
DMVLady>> I need your 34-A form.
[GM]Dave>> Form?
DMVLady>> The form you were supposed to get.
DMVLady>> Before you got in line.
[GM]Dave>> Ah.
[GM]Dave>> And suppose I don't have this form.
DMVLady>> Suppose I told you to jump up your own ass.
[GM]Dave>> How graphic.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just go get that form then.

Apparently, I seem to have forgotten a key item.

Dave 3, World 3.

I go and get the infinitely important 34-A form. Worlds obviously hang in the balance.

Quickly filling it out, I head back to the counter.

And aggro an Orcish Fatlady.

OrcishFatlady>> Wait your turn!
[GM]Dave>> I've already been here.
OrcishFatlady>> I don't give a rat's ass!
[GM]Dave>> Well, thank god.
[GM]Dave>> Who would honestly give a rat's ass?

This momentarily stunned her. Luckily, it lasted long enough for me to push past her and get back to the counter.

[GM]Dave>> Here's your form.
[GM]Dave>> Make with the license.
DMVLady>> I'm sorry.
DMVLady>> This is form 34-B.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. Great story.
[GM]Dave>> I wonder who'll play me in the movie.
[GM]Dave>> License. Now.
DMVLady>> I can't renew a license without form 34-A.

Dave 3, World 4.

DMVLady>> Didn't you notice you had the wrong one?
[GM]Dave>> I will admit...
[GM]Dave>> I didn't get the pregnancy questions.
DMVLady>> And that didn't tip you off?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know your primitive rituals.
[GM]Dave>> I thought you were just being thorough.
DMVLady>> I'm sorry, sir.
DMVLady>> No form, no license.
[GM]Dave>> I swear...
[GM]Dave>> If I had a dragon right now.
DMVLady>> Can I direct you to our complaints manager?
[GM]Dave>> Why does this seem familiar?

It was at that point that a large burly man grabbed me by the back of the neck and carried me outside.

Physically carried me.

Dave 3, World 5.

Defeated, I drove home, stepped over the still unconscious paperboy, and went back into my house.

My nice, safe house.

I then proceeded to ban every player that sent a GM call that entire night.

Every single player.

One guy got permabanned for getting stuck behind a table at a tavern in San d'Oria.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
Player>> Hi, there.
Player>> I'm stuck behind a table.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have form 34-A?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Greatest Day EVER!!!

Alternate Title: "Snap, Crackle, Pop, Bitches!"

Yesterday was possibly the greatest day that I have ever experienced.

And I've had some pretty good days.

As you have probably figured out, I don't like gil sellers.

Now, hate is a strong word.

So, yes, I HATE those bastards.

There is no greater evil in our virtual world of Vana'diel than the gil sellers. They monopolize NMs. They ruin economies.

Plus, they are total pricks.

But due to certain "legal reasons", our hands were tied when it came to disciplining these people (read: ban smacking those bitches).

Well... the company's hands were tied. I pretty much just banned anybody that pissed me off and then made up a plausible reason for the report.

Unfortunately, those "legal reasons" kept us from taking an organized strike on the gil seller masses.

We didn't just ignore the problem, though. We watched. We watched and waited.

Still it was so incredibly annoying to be collecting all of this information on gil sellers and not being able to ban them.

I mean, it would look kind of damned obvious if I banned several hundred accounts in one day.

Can you imagine that conversation?

Supervisor>> Umm... Dave...
Supervisor>> You banned 400 accounts today.
[GM]Dave>> Shouting in Jeuno, sir.
Supervisor>> You banned 400 people...
Supervisor>> For shouting.
[GM]Dave>> No, sir. 399 were for shouting.
[GM]Dave>> One guy had too many vowels in his name.
Supervisor>> I hate that.
[GM]Dave>> Me, too, sir.

I was stuck filling out reports about gil sellers and barely making a scratch in their mindless horde. Sure, killing and banning the random retard was great for entertainment value, but it was like trying to empty a lake using a bucket.

A really, really, really stupid lake.

So, you can only imagine my glee when I walk into work yesterday morning and my supervisor says "Hey, guys. Today, we're going to ban more than 250 RMT accounts."

He might as well have come in and said "Hey, guys. We've decided to move Christmas to June."

Or "Open season on RMT retards, people. LOCK AND LOAD!"

The enter office was electric with excitement. It was like a group of kids in a candy store.

Except replace the word "candy" with the word "gun".

Today was the day.

Judgement Day.

The supervisor quickly handed out server assignments and a list of accounts. His instructions: simply perma-ban each account. If asked for a reason state "Due to extensive account tracking, along with complaints filed by other players, we suspect you have broken the Terms of Service, and are closing your account. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such a lack of creativity.

Luckily, I had been preparing for this. I had spent a great deal of my free time working with one of the Devs on a new program.

A special program.

A program I like to call MrWyvern.

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

I popped open a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels, logged into my server, started up MrWyvern, and warped myself to the RMTards.

Funnily enough, they were all congregated in one area around the Suzaku spawn point.

Seems several gil seller groups had banded together to take on bigger, tougher monsters.

Oh, the irony.

[GM]Dave>> Greeting, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> And how are you on this fine, fine day?
RMT1>> Uh... we're good.
[GM]Dave>> Excellent!
[GM]Dave>> We had reports of gil sellers in the area.
[GM]Dave>> Have you seen them?
RMT2>> Nope.
RMT2>> Just us.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry for the interruption then.
[GM]Dave>> If they show up, you let me know.
RMT1>> We will.
[GM]Dave>> Good luck with Suzaku.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to need it.
RMT3>> What does that...

Suzaku spawned purple and every single one of them started to warp to its position.

That's when MrWyvern kicked in and instantly warped Suzaku to Mordion Gaol.

And with it came every one of those retards.

[GM]Dave>> What seems to be the problem?
RMT1>> You can't do this.
RMT1>> You have no reason to imprison us.
[GM]Dave>> Is comedic value a reason?
RMT3>> Let us out.
RMT3>> We have rights.
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no, good sir.
[GM]Dave>> You had rights.
[GM]Dave>> Now... not so much.
RMT2>> Kill Suzaku anyway.
RMT2>> He has to let us out eventually.
[GM]Dave>> Gee... looks like they got me there.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm... I wonder what this key does.

A quick press of a key and MrWyvern's second function activated.

You cannot imagine the beautiful, beautiful irony of seeing six wyverns instantly warp into the room and surround the gil sellers.

And I made sure they spawned purple.

Due to extensive account tracking

RMT2>> OH%^&*%^@*^%@#%^&*
[GM]Dave>> Along with complaints filed by other players
RMT3>> Zone where you %$^&tard?
[GM]Dave>> We suspect you have broken the ToS
[GM]Dave>> And are closing your account.

Then the chat log filled with red.

RMT2 was defeated by Tiamat.
RMT3 was defeated by Vrtra.
RMT1 was defeated by Jormungand.

And on and on and on...

[GM]Dave>> We apologize for the inconvenience.
[GM]Dave>> Bitches.

You can't even understand the sheer joy, the unparalled bliss that came from watching those bastards die.

I swear I almost blacked out when I hit submit on their perma-bans.

Today, Vana'diel seems just a little bit lighter. We lost about 250 accounts worth of dead weight.

You're welcome.