Friday, February 27, 2009

Like A Slap In The Face

Today was starting to look like a good day. The sky was clear and the weather beautiful.

At least... I assume it was.

It's always nice inside.

I actually had a passable day at work with what I consider a small number of retards.

Just a couple hundred.

I had just gotten home, spent some time with my daughter, and then went to log in on my main character.

That was when I got a figurative slap in the face.

And by "figurative", I mean "literal".

There I was, just typing in my password, when I got slammed in the face with a handful of pages. As the few pages fell away from my stinging cheek, I saw Susan.

The look in her eye was... Scary.

Yes, I know I'm much larger than her.

I am much stronger than her.

Still... Little bit scary.

Now, I'm not sure if you've ever been slapped in the face with a handful of paper.

Spoiler: Not fun.

My face was stinging sharply and I could feel it starting to swell a little.

I started to wonder if there was a problem.

I'm smart like that.

Usually, a guy would be able to figure out the problem pretty quickly. Most guys generally do not do a number of things that warrant that kind of strike.

I'm not most guys.

Did she find that vase I broke?

Did she find her favorite shoe that I scuffed?

Did she find the vast array of meticulously organized and categorized pornography hidden on an extra harddrive?

The possibilities were practically limitless.

I say practically because I just haven't had enough time to do every terrible thing a human being could do.

I need to sleep sometime.

Now, this is the part where most guys would start apologizing.

Not so fast. I kind of need to know what she's mad about before I confess to anything.

No point sharing felonies for no good damned reason.

Then, as I thought about it, I realized the paper might be important to the conversation. There were other weapons in the house and, honestly, paper is not really that dangerous.

I would have had to cautiously sneak a look at the papers.

I would have... If she hadn't thrust them directly into my face.

Yup... Papers are important.

Susan>> What do you have to say?
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to go with...
[GM]Dave>> Ow?
Susan>> I'm not laughing.
[GM]Dave>> Neither am I.
[GM]Dave>> I'm the one who just got smacked in my face.
Susan>> That's right.
Susan>> And you deserved it.

This was probably correct.

It would, however, be very stupid to admit that.

[GM]Dave>> For what?

That's it... Buy some time.

Then hit her with a vase...


Susan>> Just read it.

I took the pages from her hand and started to read. It seemed to be a post from a blog. A very smart, witty post from an obviously intelligent blog.


Yes, it was one of my posts.

I would be less insulted if you hadn't guessed that right away.

It was this post.

Uh oh.

Apparently, I had made a sort of big deal about her playing a WoW trial. I may or may not have likened it to sleeping with another man.

This would not be a problem had I not just FINISHED PLAYING A WOW TRIAL.

Then she started to yell.

I don't know. Something about a pot and a kettle and a discussion about color.

I didn't really pay attention.

I was busy waiting for her to throw another punch. Wife or not, one swing and she gets a Hadouken upside her head.

The yelling started to slow and diminish in volume. This meant she was starting to wrap it up.

Better start paying attention again.

Susan>> And what do you have to say for yourself?


Think think think.

[GM]Dave>> Did you really print this out?
[GM]Dave>> That was a little unnecessary.
[GM]Dave>> You're just wasting paper.

This was the wrong answer.

Have you ever been hit with a laptop?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I was watching a rerun of House the other night when I realized something interesting.

It was the episode where he treats a convicted murderer on death row. The show opens with the convict listening to another prisoner order his last meal before his execution.

Sad, right?

But it got me thinking... Why in the hell do we give people whatever they want for their last meal?

As I understand it, people who end up on death row generally deserve it. They've probably done something to justify both their imprisonment and eventual death.

So, why are they given anything they want for their last meal?

I'm not talking about the morality behind the death penalty. I really couldn't care less.

Frankly, I don't think we use it enough. We should extend it to include that guy who drives 20 under the speed limit or tells you how Heroes ended before you get to watch it.


Why do we give someone who has obviously done something worthy of major penalty their choice of food?

Does that make any sense?

It's not like they've somehow earned a reward.

Hey, you've just spent twenty years in prison and now you're going to be executed... Way to go! Here's a cookie.

I'm not saying don't feed them. That would be cruel.

It would save money, but still...


But I'm thinking they're sending a bit of a mixed message.

You're in prison.

Oh, here's anything you'd like to eat in the entire world.

And now, we're gonna kill you.

I guarantee they're not going to learn a long term lesson out of it.


Sunday, February 22, 2009

WoW: Roleplaying

For my last official night as a WoW player, I thought I would take the final step and create a character on a Roleplaying server.

I might as well have not bothered.

The sum total of my "roleplaying" experience was listening to some whiny little bastard drone on and on in general chat about how all of his friends were at school and how he was bored.

Apparently, he was roleplaying as a retard.

I doubt it was too far of a stretch for him.

Here I was expecting to spawn into a world filled with Shakespearean soliloquies and medieval lore, a world where each character wove a rich tapestry of background story for their character.




Do you know what really sets a nice roleplaying mood?

Some adolescent punk shouting lolz and emotes to the entire area in general chat.

I would have felt right at home if the game was called World of Mallrats.

See what I did there?

It kind of rhymes.


My wit is lost on you people.

And does anyone tell the guy to knock off? Of course not.

Instead, they decide to have a conversation with him.


Hey, you're from Australia? That must be just south of GOLDSHIRE!

Man, people piss me off.

The funny part is that I was expecting to get pissed off. I assumed that an entire server of people acting in character would get on my nerves pretty quickly.

Ironically, it was the guy not acting in character that pissed me off the most.

That's the kind of retarded yelling you see on regular servers. The entire point of playing on an RP server was so you don't have to listen to that bullshit.

We don't want to hear about your life.

I'm over here trying to set a mood.

An ambiance, if you will.

I'm trying to elevate my experience to new levels of creativity and fictional narrative by immersing myself in a fantasy world and escaping the crude dialogue of the real world.

So shut the F&%@ UP!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

WoW: The Little Things

You know, it's the little things that really get you about this game. As much as you might want to concentrate on the big differences (*coughgraphicscough*), it's all of the little differences that tend to stick out in your mind.

Like in FFXI, the Humans don't look like they have Elephantitis.

I kid, I kid.

Besides, the Humans in FFXI look like they're all going to get together and start a boy band.

No, it's the subtle things that really get you.

The map markers for everything.

I'll grant you that this makes the game a lot easier.

Unfortunately, it makes the game a lot easier.

That wasn't a typo. The unfortunate thing about making the game easier is that you can make it a little too easy.

Basically, little yellow icons show up on your mini-map telling you where to find new quests or where to go to complete current quests.

Why is that too easy?

Well, some of the quests involve you finding a nearby NPC and delivering a note.

That's not particularly challenging when the second you accept the quest, yor map tells you exactly where to go.

Wow... How am I supposed to find one NPC in such a big city?

Oh... He's right there.

And he's conveniently highlighted.


Also, the drop system is strange. While certain enemies drop specific items, there's also a chance they could drop any one of dozens of other pieces of equipment.

Kill a spider and he drops a pair of Bard's Shoes of the Monkey.

I do not know why a monkey would have shoes.

I do not know why a Bard stole a monkey's shoes.

I certainly do not know why a spider then stole those shoes from the Bard.

There must be a very large underground shoe black market in Azeroth.

In FFXI, that low level lizard drops a pair of low level boots.

Just the boots.

Basically, you are either getting boots or not.

That's it.

You're not also going to find some Monk artifact armor.

Lizards make terrible Monks.

It's the little arms.

It would, therefore, make no sense for the lizard to carry Monk artifact armor.

Not in Azeroth.

That condor you just killed... Carrying a giant shield of epic kickass.

That makes perfect sense.


Speaking of drops, some of them are "Bind on Pick Up." That means that as soon as you pick them up, they bind to your character and cannot be given to another player.

That's weird.

Now, you're probably thinking this is very similar to the whole Exclusive tag on items in FFXI. That tag means you cannot trade the item to other players.

Similar, right?

That's not the problem.

The problem arises out of semantics.

In FFXI, the item simply can't be traded. It is exclusive.


But in WoW, the item is bound to you. It quite literally binds to your soul.

My question is how in the hell you get it from the enemy.

If it binds to the soul of whoever picks it up, shouldn't it be bound to the soul of the monster?

Aren't semantics fun?

Oh, let's not forget the crafting system.

Almost, if not, all MMORPGs involve some form of a crafting system.

This isn't new.

The crafting system in FFXI is very challenging as you have to look up recipes in order to create working combinations of materials and to determine if you have enough skill to actually craft the item.

In WoW, the crafting menu tells you which recipes you know, which materials are required, and even tells you if you have enough materials to perform the craft.

It even tells you which crafts are more likely to help you skill up.

This is incredibly convenient, but arguably too simple.

Oh... And you can't fail a synthesis.


Arguably too simple.

And by "arguably", I mean "obviously".

Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of tiny differences.

It's not like me to overreact though.

No, it's the little things that make a game what it is. It's those nuances that make a game unique and interesting.

And easy.

It would be wrong of me to suggest that these differences are inherent flaws and that WoW is an inferior game.


Luckily, I quite often do the wrong thing.

Friday, February 20, 2009


I'm going to be honest with you. I was not looking forward to joining a PvP server.

PvP just isn't my cup of tea.

Don't get me wrong now... I understand why some people enjoy the challenge blah blah blah.

Not my style.

See, I signed up for the whole RPG gig because I wanted to go out and fight monsters. Big, ugly monsters who inexplicably carry awesome items that will help my kill other big, ugly monsters.

That was what they were originally going to call RPGs. Role-playing was just catchier.

Why in the hell would I want to play an RPG to fight against other players?

If I wanted to fight other players, I would play a fighting game.

That's kind of the point.

When I play a racing game, I don't expect their to be a first person shooting section.

That would be retarded.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that since I hate everyone, I should LOVE PvP.

That is both very logical and very wrong.

I do hate people. Unfortunately, the entire point of PvP requires that I interact with other people.

This is counter-productive.

I would much rather just go on my way, kill the evil monsters, and not have to deal with anyone unless I specifically needed their help.

To me, other people are tools.

I mean they are either resources to be used to my advantage or are just giant tools.

Either or.

And possibly both.

You can understand why I would want to limit all interaction as much as possible.

Don't be offended. I don't mean you guys.

You guys are cool.

I just hate everyone except you.

Still, because I had agreed to at least try PvP, I felt it was my duty to roll a character on a PvP server.

In order to make the experience focus on the PvP aspect specifically, I created another human Paladin. That way the only game mechanic being changed would be the PvP factor.

We here at Bannable Offenses are very concerned with maintaining proper scientific method.

Plus, I wouldn't have to learn a new job.

Made sense to me.

The funny part was, there wasn't really any difference.

I mean ANY difference.

I started out in Northshire, ran the same quests in Elwynn Forest and Westfall, killed the same monsters and got the same rewards.

Oh... Kay.

Perhaps my feelings toward PvP were unfounded. Maybe there wasn't really anything there to hate.

And then... Then I stepped into Redridge Mountains.

This it would turn out, was a mistake.

Almost immediately after I entered the zone, I ran into an incredibly high level Horde player.

"Ran into" is a nice way of saying that he came out of nowhere and murdered the living shit out of my character.

Well, I had to expect some fighting. That was the entire point.

I run back from the nearest graveyard ready to hop right back into my still warm body when a funny thing happened.

He was still there.

Standing on my corpse.

I thought that was strange, but maybe he was waiting for someone or something.

I hit the resurrect button and start to ask himwhat he's waiting for and WHAM! I'm back in the graveyard.

He was camping on my body just to kill me over and over.

A little research has indicated that this is called "ganking".

This is more concise than my suggestion "freaking douchebag who needs to have his ass severely beaten".

Feel free to use mine. We can even use letters.


I know how you WoW players love the freaking letters.

That's how I spent much of my day.

He'd kill me.

I'd run back.


Finally, I was so fed up I decided I'd just get resurrected by the Spirit Healer in the graveyard and take the damage to my gear.

It sucked, but it was pretty much my only option at that point.

Apparently, the nearest graveyard was the one in Redridge Mountains.

I probably would have had to figure a way to get back to Elwynn forest without running into that same guy again.

I would have exept for the fact that there was someone else camping out in the graveyard.

Maybe they were a team.

Maybe I picked the lesser known Douchebag server.

I don't know.

I do know that I did not particularly enjoy my time on a PvP server.

Next time, I'll just save time, roll on a normal server, and then punch myself in the balls several times.

I'm thinking Hunter.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

WoW: The Language Barrier

In FFXI, there is a very obvious language barrier. A high proportion of our players are Japanese, which can, of course, lead to difficulties in communicating.

I'm used to this.

That's fine with me. If they managed to learn that language, they can go right ahead and use it.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting a big language barrier when I started playing WoW. As I understood it, the majority of players were english speakers.

Apparently, I was wrong.

No, no one was speaking Japanese.

I wish.

Instead, everyone finds it easier to shout everything using abbreviations.


That's a sentence.

I think.

LFG I knew. We use that one in FFXI, too.

After speaking with a translator, I came to find this meant a melee fighter was looking for a group to run through Deadmines and that anyone interested should send him a tell.

I will grant you that the shout was very concise.

If Blizzard charged by the word, this guy would be saving a fortune.

But they don't.

So, really... The whole thing is unnecessary.

Can it honestly be saving you enough time to make it worthwhile?

Would the people in your Guild make fun of you is they saw you using vowels?

I could maybe understand if this was in the heat of battle and he was trying to convey important information quickly.

That shit is important.

This guy, however, was in a city.

Just standing around.

What's he saving time for? Does he have a dinner party that he's going to be late for if he uses twenty more letters?

And everyone does it. The whole city chat is filled with people yelling random combinations of letters.

PSTs and WTBs.

It's anarchy.

Somewhere, Vanna White is weeping.

Yes, I figurd out what they meant. It's really not that hard given a little bit of knowledge into the game.

That's not the point.

Cutting out letters for no other reason than to see how badly you can butcher the English language and have it still function is entirely wrong.

That's how AOL started.

Is that how you want to end up? Really?

Nobody wants to see that happen.

It's bad enough we have one AOL.

I'm not saying that you should stop using game-related slang or anything. That's just a natural part of the MMORPG experience.

Like joining your first linkshell/guild.

Or ignoring your wife.

It's just one of those things you do.

But if you're going to type a message, type the whole message.

Vowels and everything.

Let's pretend we're not all 12 year-old girls on MSN, k?

Man, that shit pisses me off.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go PUG a DM run.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

WoW: Vision Problems

How in the hell are you supposed to tell what's going on in this game?

Any time you're anywhere near a group of players, you can't even figure out what the hell is going on.

Everybody's running and jumping, and then seven people ride past on horses that are either ghosts or on fire, and then hey, some guy rides past you on a snow tiger, even though the city you're in is located in a temperate or boreal climate, oh and then some guy with huge black/purple armor that is also on fire starts jumping all around you as he screams about how he wants to sell his [Epic Big Cool Thing I found], but he is way overpricing it, and then everyone shouts at him in the general chat and calls him an idiot, not that it even matters because there's no way in hell you could ever find that guy even if you wanted to which you don't.

Did you have trouble reading that?

That's what it's like to run through Stormwind.

Only with more shoulder pads.

LOTS of shoulder pads.

And what's with all the quests that ask you to go get 17 of something?

Hey, terrible bandits are attacking our farm. No, don't help us learn to fight. Bring us back 15 of their bandanas and we'll be fine.

That's an actual quest.

Now that I think about it, it's like 5 quests. Each time they just ask you for different numbers of bandanas.

One lady uses the bandanas to make you a red shirt with no stat enhancements on it.

You just killed dozens of people to get a red shirt.

After killing that many people, I'm pretty sure your shirt would be red anyway.

Honestly, the quest thing is driving me crazy. Every other person is handing you a laundry list of things to bring back to them.

Go find this guy and get a book. Then bring the book back to me. Then I'll have another message for the guy. You run it out to him. Then he'll send a thank you note. You carry that, too.

I'm sorry, but I don't remember choosing a Human Messenger when I rolled up my character.

I wouldn't even do the quests, but they give you so many exp points for them.

Yes, you get exp points for doing quests.

Hell, you get exp points for doing anything.

You can honestly just stumble through the woods and you're going to get exp.

There's a tower you haven't seen before.

700 exp points.

Oh, there's nothing in the tower.

But you found it.

Yes, sir. Good job.

You could probably get to level 20 just off tower finding alone.

And it's not just the towers. You walk three feet west and hit a new area... Boom. Exp.

It's insane.

Sure, you still get exp for killing bad guys (for bandanas), but that's normal.

What's not normal is that you got exp for finding the house of the guy who wants the bandanas.

And got more for bringing them back.

How freaking isolated must your life have been that finding a random house in the woods constitutes actual life experience for you?

You can't put that on a resume.

- High School diploma
- Computer training
- Able to find random houses in the woods

That's not experience.

That is the opposite of experience.

You are not going to look back in your golden years about the time you found a house in the woods.

If you do, it means your life, as a whole, was a failure.


Of course, if you look back in your golden years about the time you found a house in the woods IN A VIDEO GAME that will probably be worse.

OldGuy>> ... And that's the day I explored Westfall.
Son>> Dad... Please stop talking about WoW.
Son>> Mom always hated that.
Daughter>> Yeah, Dad.
Daughter>> That was a terrible eulogy.

I understand that a roleplaying game has to have quests.

That's kind of a rule.

But if you're going to have quests, make them all go in one direction.

If I have to run through that same damned forest one more time, someone is going to get slapped.

Then I'll take their bandana.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

WoW: Rollin' Wit Da Paladins

I know you guys told me not to.

EVERYONE told me not too.

Hell, the even manual says "DON'T ROLL PALADIN" in big, bold letters.

It's in there. Trust me.

And yet... I rolled up a Paladin today.

Yes, I played for the Alliance.

Before we get into a whole discussion about this, I don't really have feelings either way on the Alliance-Horde Controversy.

They both seem like good guys.

True... The Horde does have more people with leprosy, but you can't really hold that against them.

From what I've read, people seem to get very worked up over which side is better. Funnily enough, most people tend to argue that the side they chose is better.

Crazy, huh?

Still, I have no real affiliation with either group, so let's not get into a "[GM]Dave plays Alliance. BURN HIM!" discussion.

Anyway, as I was creating my character, I chose Human and that's when I noticed something...

All of the humans look like characters from Shrek.

Actual In-Game Screenshot

Every time I saw them before, I always thought they looked familiar, but I couldn't place it. The oversized upper body, the exaggerated facial features, the cartoony appearance.

And then it hit me.

Apparently, the uncanny valley is just South of Northshire.

I know... I'm learning the names...

Shoot me.

I kid, I kid. I'm actually not hating playing the game.

When I started this whole thing, I was ready to do a basic "Wow sucks, Wow players are stupid" week. Then, after reading some forums, I saw how much people really loved this game.

Despite my general tendency to be a complete and utter ass about everyone and everything, I decided that something people enjoy this much at least deserves an honest attempt to play.

Yes, I will still be making cracks here and there.

That's kind of what I do.

But, I'm not going to insult the game just because it isn't FFXI. I'm trying to get a real feel for the game before I pass judgment.

In that spirit, and despite everyone in the universe telling me not to, I decided to give Paladin a shot.

I didn't hate it.

That's big for me. I hate everything.

I really expected the battles to go excruciatingly slow without offensive spells to augment my attacking. When I played Shaman yesterday, battles where I tried to conserve mana by not casting seemed to take forever.

Today though, it actually went pretty smooth.

I think the massive two-hand mace helped. Nothing speeds up a fight like hitting your enemy in the face with a giant hammer.

That's how I got through high school.

It was also nice that I could wear the good armor all the animals were dropping.

Yes, the animals were still dropping pants.

No, I still haven't figured that part out.

Still, free pants are free pants.

You know, thinking about it now, this is one of those weird things about MMORPGS, FFXI included. You're out in the middle of a field or a plain or whatever, you kill an animal, and you find a pair of pants.

And you put them on right away.

Easy, right? You just click a button and new pants.

But what about your character? That noble Paladin or fearsome Druid you're controlling...

He just changed his pants in the middle of nowhere.

Kind of hard to look tough when you're swapping pants in the middle of an ice field.

You can't do that in the real world. Do you know what would happen if you tried changing your pants in public?

Your wife, Susan, would have to come bail you out and then bitch at you the whole ride home about laws this and court dates that.


This is the thing I'm not understanding though... Why all the hate for Paladins?

I realize I'm new to the game and only visiting at that, but I can't say that it sucks terribly.

Does it suck later?

Are the other jobs just so awesome that Paladins suck by comparison?

I'm just not seeing it.

A couple of times, and I can't believe I'm saying this, I was actually having fun.

I know... I had fun playing WoW.

I'm just as surprised as you are.

This is starting to worry me now. Pretty soon, I'm going to stop drinking and making fun of retarded people.

And then, what's the point of living?

Monday, February 16, 2009

WoW: Day 1

So, I FINALLY managed to get a fully patched client and started playing the game today.

When the donator and I talked about this idea, we decided it would be best if I try to get a nice rounded view of the beginning levels of the game.

I'd try some PvE, some PvP, and yes... even some RP.

When he originally suggested this concept, I remember I was not that amused.

Certain comments about a ball peen hammer and his extremities come to mind.

But, in order to be as fair as possible, I'm going to try and get as broad a view of this game as I can using the trial version.

Do you see what I go through for you people?

Today, in order to get a handle on game mechanics, I decided to start out on a PvE server. I made a Tauren Shaman and logged in.

Side note: Do you remember the cartoony graphics from Wind Waker?

Yeah, apparently all of those guys work at Blizzard now.

All of them.

For a while there I thought I was playing Crash Bandicoot.

Still, the graphics weren't terrible. It did affect the immersion a little bit for me, but I suppose if you were coming into WoW with little or no experience in other games, it would be quite impressive.

I know. You thought I was just going to shit all over the graphics, didn't you?

So did I.

Unfortunately, the graphics aren't bad enough to remark on.

They're just there. They're not the best I've ever seen *coughFFXIcough*, but it's not like this is a Commodore 64 game.

I give them a solid "meh".

What is bad enough to comment on is the music.

Or lack thereof.

Man, if any FFXI players try playing WoW, you should get yourself a good MP3 player because that place is motherf&%@in' quiet.

In FFXI, there's always music playing. Always.

You're walking, there's music.

Riding a chocobo... music.

Killing a bunny rabbit... music.

In WoW, there's just a whole lot of quiet.

They DO have voice acting in parts. I'll give them credit for that.

It's terrible voice acting, but still...

Anyway, once the initial culture shock wore off, I tried to get the hang of the controls.

Funny story... Did you know that the control layout for WoW is nothing like the control layout for FFXI?

That took some getting used to. My hands are just accustomed to that specific organization. Apparently, if you use the same keys over and over for upwards of 10 hours a day, your muscles have a hard time adjusting.

And why is there a jump button?

Seriously, I was looking pretty hard and I didn't find a single use for jumping.

Not one.

But they put it there, so damn straight I was using it.

I wonder if me skipping through the fields like a four year old girl took any of the drama out of the situation.

That's how I spent most of the day, just hopping through a meadow and killing wolves and cougars and whatnot.

Speaking of which... Can any of the WoW players explain the drop mechanics to me?

I thought it was bad in FFXI when worms and rabbits dropped crystals and stuff, but this game...

Every animal drops completely random shit.

Kill a wolf... And you find a rabbit's foot.

A rabbit's foot.

On a wolf.

Hey, maybe he ate a rabbit, right? Maybe that's it. That makes senses, right?

Then there's the strider (read: two-legged bird looking thing) that drops pants.

And gloves.

And pouchs.

Not just leather mind you.

Oh, no. These birds were dropping chainmail armor every other minute. I've got an inventory full of Mail armor I can't even wear.

The rest of my inventory is full of rabbit's feet.

I must be the luckiest bastard to ever step foot in Azeroth.

The rest of my day was spent going to get shit for EVERYBODY. No matter who you talk to, they are going to hand you a shopping list of animal body parts they want you to collect.

Want to get a new pair of pants? Go get the guy 8 bird feathers.

Because I said so. That's why.

It's not that the quests were painful. It's more that they were just plain annoying.

I don't go to the supermarket for Susan either.

You know... Maybe I'm just being hard on the game. Maybe this is just not the best job to choose from the beginning.

I'll pick better tomorrow.

Tomorrow: I roll up a Paladin!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

WoW: Opening Impressions

For the first post of my forced WoW week, I decided that I would discuss the opening cinematic.

I decided that because I still haven't been able to start playing yet.

Apparently, in order to go from the trial disc I purchased to an actual playable game, they have to patch every file on my computer.

I'm not even kidding. It tells me it needs a patch and then conveniently downloads the patch for me.

And then, when it's done downloading the patch, it tells me it needs another patch.

Repeat ad infinitum.

They should have called this World of WarPatch.

Thus, with no other option, I am stuck discussing the opening cinematic.

Tomorrow... Tomorrow, I'll probably be discussing my opinion of the update patch system.

Spoiler: Not a fan.

Honestly, I like the opening. It's pretty good.

Oh, don't go getting your hopes up WoW fans. This part is called the set up.

It is pretty good... In the same way a Jeep commercial is pretty good.

A Jeep commercial is designed to be shiny and pretty. The whole point of the commercial is to get you to want to buy a Jeep.

Yay, Jeeps!

... Jeep.

I'm not sure what the plural form of Jeep is.

But, for all of its shiny appeal, the Jeep commercial doesn't present any new or interesting material. It just shows you Jeep(s) driving around.

Everyone knows that's what they do. They're not exactly blowing people's minds here.

No one watches a Jeep commercial and feels moved or inspired.

That's how I felt about WoW's opening.

The movie does what it sets out to do. It introduces the basic material and showcases a variety of characters.

Very shiny.

There's a bear.

Bears are the number one threat to America.

Very exciting.

What the movie doesn't do is give you any real reason to play.

FFXI's opening movie breaks your heart.

I mean... Look at that.

Isn't that the most heartbreaking thing you've ever seen?

Shut up. I'm not crying.


That movie makes you want to play. It gives you a reason to fight the beastmen horde and make them pay for their crimes.

And it inspires you. It shows people coming together to fight a common evil.

Admittedly, it doesn't show the asshat that is going to kill the NM you've been camping for seventeen hours.

Still, the movie grips you. It makes you feel for the people of Vana'diel and hate the beastmen.

That's a good opening.

Now, let's take a look at the opening for WoW.

... Yeah.

It's... It's good. It definitely introduces the main concepts of the game.

There was a World.

There was some Warcraft.

The World was generally composed of Warcraft.

Unfortunately, I could have ascertained that information from the title.

I'm smart like that.

I'm also not going to point out the strong similarity to the Lord of the Rings.

That would be rude.

Don't get me wrong. The movie is good. It is an incredibly well-made, high quality cinematic.

Then again... So's a Jeep commercial.

And I don't see myself going out to buy a Jeep.

I'm hoping the first few levels of the game will provide me with more motivation to play.

Just as soon as all the patching is done...

Saturday, February 14, 2009



I've been in contact with the top donator for the last fan pack. I sent what I considered a very nice e-mail extending the opportunity to take part in the blog in some fashion.

Maybe he wanted a story written.

Maybe he wanted a neighbors pet to not be alive anymore.

These are services I am willing to provide.

Of course this is not an exhaustive list. I do not limit my talents to either writing or pet elimination.

That would make a hell of an interesting business card, though.

No, I approached this kind, generous reader and offered him the chance to ask for anything within my power.

And how does he respond to this generous offer?

I'll give you a hint.

Oh, the humanity.

Yes, it looks like I'm going to be playing WoW for a week.

Or shooting myself in the head.

I'm still deciding.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to (grudgingly) give WoW a fair shot. I have to play the game for a solid week and give my honest, unbiased impressions.

Have I done something wrong?

I thought we were friends.

Friends don't make friends play WoW.

You sonova bitch.

Still... A deal is a deal.

Spread the word, people. Looks like [GM]Dave is coming to Azeroth.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I Warned You

You know what? Valentine's Day is bullshit.



The entire day is pitted against men. It's like some group of man-haters devised a holiday intended solely to piss guys off.

Oh, hey... You had something romantic planned, huh?



Good luck living up to the bullshit romantic standards that have been set for you.

If you don't have a 3 carat diamond ring being delivered by a dove while the first song you ever heard together is played by an orchestra, you're pretty much screwed.

Every one of those damned romantic comedies that your girl loves so much have pretty much set you up to completely fail any attempt at romance.

Unless you're a tortured, mysterious soul (who may or may not be a vampire) that sweeps her off her feet while AT NO POINT even suggesting sex, you are pretty much out of luck.

That's it. Game over.

Thanks for playing.

Basically, if you're a guy in a relationship, February 14th is going to be a giant kick in the balls from the universe.

And lord forbid you're single.

Then the entire day becomes "Here's a bajillion reminders that no one loves you" Day.

Admittedly, they don't make cards for that.

Then again, who'd buy you one?

People jokingly call it Singles Awareness Day. They say it with an ironic smile and laugh a little too much.

Then, they go home and cry themselves to sleep.

It's not like you weren't single yesterday or that there's even anything wrong with being single.

If that's how you roll, then cool.

But then the whole world decided to dedicate one whole day to pointing out that if you don't have someone to cling on to, then your life is empty.

Yeah... Thanks, guys.

If it wasn't bad enough that you're single, suddenly society makes you out to be some form of freak.

Maybe you like being single.

Maybe you're waiting for the right person to come along.

Maybe you're busy leveling up your ranger.

Do you really need to be ridiculed for that fact?

Of course you do.

Hallmark says so.

So, now you're stuck shopping for a gift that has to sum up your feelings for your significant other. You need to find something that conveys your deep, undying love for her and how she makes every breath you take worth taking.

Or anything gold.

Either or.

Speaking of gifts... Why exactly do women think it's okay to not get anything for a guy on Valentine's Day?

The day is supposed to be about love. That sort of suggests it's intended for two people.

No, that thing you do when you're by yourself does not count as love.

Stop it.

Since the holiday is intended to be shared between two people, shouldn't you both get gifts?

Yeah, yeah. You can say it's a chick holiday all you want.

That's bullshit.

If you don't want to be celebrating Singles Awareness Day next year, make with the damned presents already.

The craziest part is that women think it's okay to not get anything for a guy because it's just presumed she's going to put out.

Don't look at me like that. It's a rule.

Now, you may ask why that's crazy. It seems like a pretty sweet deal for the guy.

And it would be... Unless something goes wrong on Valentine's Day.

Oops, you got her the wrong gift or you took her to the wrong restaurant.

Or you hit on the waitress.

Suddenly, that rule goes right out the window.

Can you imagine if a guy tried that?

Guy>> Honey, I got you something.
Girl>> Really?
Girl>> What is it?
Guy>> I don't know.
Guy>> Let's see how good a lay you are first.

He'd be picking up his teeth until March.

If sex is an acceptable Valentine's gift, then why the hell do us guys have to buy stuff in the first place?

We're there too, you know.

Isn't it kind of a communal gift at that point?

I mean you're giving it to her, too.

Wait... That didn't come out right.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Now With 100% More O

Okay... I've got to ask you guys.

Does anyone else notice what a weird name Valentione's Day is?

No, I don't mean Valentine's Day. This is not a post about how much Valentine's Day sucks for guys.

That'll be Thursday probably.

Actually, I'm talking about the annual FFXI in-game event, Valentione's Day.

Is the extra O really fooling anyone?


I mean, the dev guys make up new words every other day. Seriously, they have a guy whose only job is to make up new words.




I'm not even kidding around. Those are the actual names of areas in the game.

Honestly, the guy could just mash his hand on the keyboard to make up a name for a new area.

Dev1>> Hey, what are we going to call this new city?
Dev1>> We need something that captures its majesty.
Dev2>> How about... Asmaci?
Dev1>> Can I get an apostrophe in there somewhere?
Dev2>> As'Maci?
Dev1>> Perfect.

So, is it too much to ask that he just make up a new name?

Is that so much to ask?

Just mash your sweaty palm on your keyboard and we're done.

We'll figure out where you're going with the idea. It's an annual event that occurs about midway through February and involves hearts and chocolate.

I don't think we're going to need Grissom on this one.

Are they afraid that people will get confused?

Player1>> Woah... What's this new event?
Player1>> You have to hand out hearts to NPCs.
Player2>> Maybe it's Arbor Day.
Player3>> It's Flag day.
Player3>> Flag day is in February, right?
Player1>> Man, why couldn't they give it an easier name?
Player1>> My head hurts.

Do we really need players like that?

I mean, they don't have to go crazy with it or anything. I'm not suggesting they put seven Qs or three hyphens or anything.

But at least jazz it up a little.

Give me something to work with here.


If I'm going to be spending five straight hours in one of the starting cities trying to get a level 1 hat with frilly hearts on it, the least you could do is make it sound cool.

It just makes me so angry that I have half a mind to skip the whole damned event out of principal.

And I would...

But then I wouldn't get a hat.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Penicillin Maybe?

So, Susan and I were over to a friend's house last night.

It was one of those sophisticated get-togethers where people discuss current affairs, politics, and art.

Very serious.

Then someone said "Screw this! Let's play some Rock Band."

Would you rather discuss current affairs when you could be rocking out on the Xbox?

Yeah, I thought so.

We go through all of the trouble of setting up all of the instruments and deciding what each person wants to play.

This basically involved me choosing bass and threatening anyone who dared touch my guitar.

[GM]Dave does not sing.

[GM]Dave also hates those damned drums.

Stupid F&%@ING drums.

Thus, [GM]Dave plays guitar.

And everyone knows the bass player gets all the girls.

We're in the middle of creating our band, The LOLCats, when the game froze and all of the controllers went wonky.

Wonky is a technical term.

I said that I'd never actually seen a system get a spontaneous Red Ring of Death.

And we all laughed.

Then, it actually got the Red Ring of Death.

And I laughed.

I don't see why he was so upset. Those red lights sure are pretty.

Very much like the red light on my original NES system.

The one that still works.

We then spent the rest of the evening standing around discussing current affairs while my friend looked up how to fix it online.

With little tears in his eyes.

I'm sure it was just his allergies.

I'm allergic to wasting three hundred dollars, too.

Do you want to know what's really funny? Suggesting ways to fix a broken Xbox.

Note: I don't know how to fix a broken Xbox.

I do know how to SOUND like I know how to fix an Xbox.

[GM]Dave>> Did you try unplugging each cord one at a time?
Friend>> That might work!

You know, hope makes a funny sound when it dies.

He'd try one cord and restart his system. Then, he'd sit there with this hopeful look on his face until...

Red lights.

And did that with every cord.

[GM]Dave>> Did you try laying it down flat?
Friend>> No.
Friend>> Do you think that will work?


[GM]Dave>> Maybe.

Then he tried hooking it up to another TV.

I don't know why he thought that sounded like a good idea.

Then he tried wrapping it in a towel.

That one... That one I was proud of.

I had to cite several laws of thermodynamics.

Cite may be a strong word.

Paraphrase... Maybe.

Make up... Possibly.

By the end of the evening, his Xbox was still broken, but I was enjoying the party much more.

And the funniest part... He thanked me for all of my help.

I should probably feel very bad about that.


Friday, February 06, 2009


In the comments section of the last post, one of my readers asked:

"What'd you do, google vagina? O.o"

So... I did.

That, as it turned out, would be a mistake.

Just for future reference, you don't want to do that.


You certainly don't want to search Google Images.

You know, just FYI.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go wash my eyeballs.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

My What?!

Okay... This is just messed up.

Apparently, a woman donated a kidney and her doctor felt that the best way to remove said kidney was through her vagina.



What in the hell is wrong with this doctor?

Are normal kidney removal procedures just getting too boring?

Doctor>> Through the back?
Doctor>> Again?

Doctor>> Hey, I've got an idea.

Doctor>> What if we went in through the vagina?

In case you're not familiar with biology, the kidneys are located on either side of the small of your back.

They're right there.

Seriously, you cough too hard and they'll fall right out.

That's why doctors go through the back.

This wasn't an arbitrary decision. It's not like a team of doctors got together and decided it'd be wacky to make the incision in the back.

That's where they are.

But no. For this doctor, the way to a woman's kidneys are through her vagina.

This guy is either crazy or one hell of a smooth talker.

Doctor>> Can I buy you a drink?
Doctor>> Maybe some organ removal surgery?

Honestly, I wish I could have been there for the conversation where he explains this idea to the patient.

Doctor>> And that's my idea.
Woman>> ...

Woman>> Can I see your medical license?

Woman>> A diploma or something?

So, he somehow manages to convince the patient that this is both:

a) a really great idea
b) NOT the most complicated way to get to third base EVER

How in the hell does he make this sound like a good idea?

I don't know about you, but if a doctor ever told me he wanted to perform major surgery by going through my testicles, I'd be getting a second opinion.

And a third.

They could use a chainsaw and go through my spine before I'd let them anywhere near my boys.

We're like family.

We're very close.

Anyone goes near my boys with a knife, there's going to be trouble.

[GM]Dave>> Only an idiot brings a knife to a gun fight.
Doctor>> Why are you still awake?

Doctor>> And how did you get a gun in the operating room?!

Now, to be fair, if I was a doctor, I would totally suggest something like this.

From the perspective of someone not having an organ pulled out through your special place, this probably sounds like a freaking awesome idea.

And you know you'd have to have some fun during the procedure.

It'd be like a magic trick.

Doctor>> And...
Doctor>> Was THIS your card?

Like this only WAY grosser

And those scarves that go on forever.

I'm sure the patient would find it hilarious.

It's like the greatest episode of House ever.

At this point, I don't even know what to think about the whole thing. Part of me thinks this is the freaking craziest thing I've ever heard of.

Part of me wants to apply to medical school.

Or dentistry school.

Now, THAT would take some smooth talking.

Monday, February 02, 2009

When Exactly...

Could someone please explain to me when game development went batshit crazy?

I'm serious.

I'm not sure when it happened, but apparently the process of developing games has taken some horrible wrong turn.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not claiming to be some expert on game development.

Still, I thought the basic process was:

1) Come up with idea
2) Design Game
3) Find publisher
4) ???
5) Profit

Seems pretty straight forward to me.

And yet, in the past couple of months, the whole system has lost its shit.

First, there was Bob's Game.

Bob was a visionary. He designed and created his very own game for the Nintendo DS.

Bob was an entrepreneur. He decided he wanted to become a licensed developer.

Bob was a freakin' nutcase.

Apparently, Nintendo wouldn't sell him the developer's kit he needed to finish his game. There were probably a number of business-related reasons for this not limited to Bob being a raving nutjob.

Now, I feel for Bob's plight. He worked very hard on what looks like a very interesting game.

What would you do in his position?

Write carefully worded letters?

Ask the company what you need to do?

And when that doesn't work...

You'd isolate yourself from society in some form of protest, slowly losing your mind while writing page longs rants about how you're the greatest game designer who has ever lived and that the company that you're trying to negotiate with is evil incarnate.

Wait... You wouldn't do that?

That sounds a little crazy?

Yeah, it does.

But that's what Bob did.

I am a GENIUS, and I will be around for the next 40 years- eating away at your company until it exists no longer.
I will find way after way to slowly destroy your bottom line, and your business will fail.
The name NINTENDO will be forgotten, a discarded husk like so many others.
"bob's game" will live on FOREVER.





That's a quote from his website.

The website he first set up to persuade Nintendo to help him out.

Did I mention he quit halfway through, threw a massive fit, and lay motionless on his webcam for hours?

And just a couple of days ago, he left his self-imposed 100 day isolation to assault a Nintendo World store?

I'm not making any of this up.

I don't even need to.

Here's another example of persuasive writing:

In fact, I... Ugh... My head... This pain! Why won't this pain go away?! DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE ME, NINTENDO.


He was doing so well up until that sewage comment. I think he was starting to make real progress.

I remember the time I needed the day off and my boss said no.

Then, I called him rotting, putrid sewage.

Totally worked.

According to Bob, the game development process goes more like this:

1) Come up with idea
2) Design Game
3) Run into problem
4) ???
5) Sit in your apartment wearing a tinfoil crown and vowing to take vengeance upon the evil conglomerate that made Animal Crossing
6) Profit?

How exactly does he see this playing out in his mind?

I'm sure Nintendo ignored his original application and pleadings because they just weren't crazy enough.

That SDK is in the mail right now.

Now, as if Bob's Game wasn't evidence enough, we have a game called Winter.

Winter is a darker game from the survival horror genre.

For the Wii.

You're probably confused because you're not used to seeing the words "darker" and "horror" anywhere near the word "Wii".

And that's the problem.

The guys who made the game are struggling to find a publisher for what looks like an awesome game because most publishers don't see a big survival-horror market on a console aimed at a more child friendly demographic.

Who would have guessed?

Now, I'm on the side of the Winter guys. Unlike Bob, these guys are managing to hold onto some semblance of sanity while they work their shit out.

And what's the best way to convince publishers?

Contacting companies and letting them play the game for themselves?

Getting copies to industry insiders to get good word of mouth going?

And when that doesn't work...

Internet petition.

I'm not sure who came up with the idea of the internet petition. It probably seemed like a very smart idea at the time.

Hey, you know what big corporations are totally going to listen to? That intarweb place that's obsessed with Rick Astley, Chuck Norris, and cats with speech impediments.

Screw those demographic studies and sales forecasts. There's a petition signed by random people.

I'm holding out hope that these guys find a publisher. It would finally prove that internet petitions are a valid form of expression.

Stop laughing.

This is just insane. An actually good game that people actually want to play can't get to the shelves because it's not the same shit they're already throwing at us.

But tomorrow, they're going to pop out eight more sequels to Imagine Babiez.

Because people are just buying those right up.

Except for the ones that try to convert kids to Islam.

Long story.

Honestly, it's like the whole game development process has gone insane.

Next thing you know, someone will be threatening to blow up game developers for not making better games.


Hey, maybe this could be the way to go if the internet petition doesn't work.

All we have top do is find someone crazy enough to bomb a game company.

Anyone know Bob's number?