Bought AccountsI'm pretty sure I've made my feelings about buying accounts very clear.
But I've always hated it from a theoretical perspective. Much like existentialism or gender equality, I always considered it as a theoretical idea with no bearing on me.
Man, did that change last night.
After my bout with what was no doubt the Black Plague, I found myself revitalized and feeling good about the world.
It was oddly unsettling.
Given my daily routine of dealing with:
a) retarded players
b) random morons in "the real world"
c) my crazy, hormonal baby mama
I am not used to be in a good mood. Usually, I'm smashing my head against a wall and praying for death.
Actually... I usually pray for everyone else to die. Why should I be punished?
I instantly decided that I had to do something to get rid of this "good" feeling.
What could I do to put me in a bad mood?
So, I'm in Crawler's Nest...
For those of you who either don't play FFXI or are too low level to have been inside Crawler's Nest, it's basically a dank, dark tunnel filled with things that want to tear your face off.
If they so much as hear you, they will gather up a group of their friends and play wiffle ball with your corpse.
Doesn't this sound like a great place to entrust your life to five people you don't even know?
I was lfg on my Black Mage in Jeuno, checking prices on crafting materials, when I got a tell from someone.
Player>> (( Crawler's Nest )) (( Party )) ((Do you need it? ))
For those of you unfamiliar with Auto-translatese, this says:
Player>> Would you like to party in Crawler's Nest?
Immediately, my heart sank as visions of my grisly demise rushed before my eyes.
That had taken care of the good mood alright, but it might have come back.
Dammit, I wasn't taking any chances.
[GM]Dave>> On my way.
I grabbed a chocobo in Lower Jeuno (Yes, a real chocobo, not some sick, coma-bound tamagotchi) and set out.
As soon as I joined the party, I could tell this was going to be bad. It's kind of disheartening to actually listen to your new teammates die horribly when you're still on your way there.
Yeah, I don't think I'll have to worry about that good mood coming back after this.
A passing White Mage had raised the whole party by the time I arrived, so we just had to wait for their weakness to wear off and we'd be good.
Still, my hand was poised over my warp macro.
Yes, I know I have Escape, as well. Why should I save those guys? That shit costs MP.
While we waited, it became raadily apparent that one of our members seemed to be having some problems.
Puller>> What happened?
Leader>> You pulled a link.
Leader>> Then two beetles kicked our asses.
Puller>> What's a link?
How in the hell does a Thief make it to this level and not know what a link is?
There are two things a Thief does:
1) pull mobs for the party
2) stand there while you use them as a Treasure Hunter whore
There's no way a Thief could make it to this point without encountering a link. It just doesn't happen.
Still, I give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe he's just retarded.
Their sicknesses wore off, so we rested to full health and went to work.
Things went quite well for a while.
Operative words: for a while.
Suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, the Thief pulls another link. The two beetles were nowhere near each other, but he still somehow managed to bring two homicidal bugs back to camp.
I, of course, start sleeping the link so we can survive or get the hell out of there.
That's when I see Linko, the boy wonder, hitting the second beetle.
[GM]Dave>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Puller>> I'm killing the second beetle.
[GM]Dave>> I'm trying to sleep them, you retard!
[GM]Dave>> It's kind of hard when you keep waking it up.
[GM]Dave>> Stop hitting the damned thing.
Puller>> Had no idea.
Okay, a retarded eight-year-old could tell you that things wake up when you hit them.
Anyone who has played FFXI for any serious amount of time understands the premise of sleeping linked enemies. Noone touches the second mob or everyone ends up eating a handful of dirt.
And thanks to Captain Tardo, our entire party was now face down and considering throwing our computers out the nearest window.
Right then, it hit me. He had to have bought this account. No one, no matter how retarded, could play Thief for this long and not grasp even the most basic of ideas.
Yeah, he had definitely bought the account.
That or he was some new breed of super-retard.
Either way, he was getting fed to a dragon.
I made some quick excuse about being narcoleptic and logged out.
Then, I quickly logged in on my GM account.
I warped the other four players back to their Homepoints and warped the Thief to Mordion Gaol.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you suffered a serious blow to the head.
Puller>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
[GM]Dave>> It's worse than I thought.
[GM]Dave>> Do you know what year it is?
Puller>> What are you talking about?
Puller>> I don't have amnesia.
[GM]Dave>> You must be retarded then.
[GM]Dave>> Wait... I shouldn't call you retarded if you're actually retarded.
[GM]Dave>> What's the right term...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, screw that. You're retarded.
[GM]Dave>> It's not like you'd know the difference.
Puller>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Fine, fine.
[GM]Dave>> Differently abled.
Puller>> I'M NOT RETARDED!
[GM]Dave>> Okay then...
[GM]Dave>> Could you do me a favor then?
[GM]Dave>> What city did you start in?
Puller>> What does that matter?
[GM]Dave>> It's just a question.
[GM]Dave>> Which city?
Puller>> I have no idea.
Puller>> I don't remember.
Saying you don't know what city you started in in FFXI is like saying you don't remember what your home town was called.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
[GM]Dave>> Did you buy this account, sir?
Puller>> ... No.
[GM]Dave starts casting Fire on Puller's pants.
Puller>> What are you...?!
Puller>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Just tell me the truth.
Puller>> I'm telling you the truth!
[GM]Dave starts casting Fire II on Puller's pants.
[GM]Dave>> It's your choice really.
[GM]Dave>> If you tell the truth, I'll let you go with a warning.
Puller>> I'M TELLING YOU THE...
[GM]Dave starts casting Fire III on Puller's pants.
Puller>> OKAY! OKAY!
Puller>> Please stop!
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead.
Puller>> I bought this account.
[GM]Dave>> Doesn't that feel better?
Puller>> Yeah, a little.
Puller>> Is that warning going to affect my game?
[GM]Dave>> I doubt it.
Jormungand hits Puller for 14,981 points of damage.
Puller was defeated by Jormungand.
Puller>> YOU SAID I'D GET A WARNING!
[GM]Dave>> I know.
[GM]Dave>> Don't trust GMs.
[GM]Dave>> How's that?
Buying an account doesn't make you a bad person. It really doesn't.
You're a bad person before you buy the account.
Buying the account just makes you retarded.