Friday, September 22, 2006

Bought Accounts

I'm pretty sure I've made my feelings about buying accounts very clear.

But I've always hated it from a theoretical perspective. Much like existentialism or gender equality, I always considered it as a theoretical idea with no bearing on me.

Man, did that change last night.

After my bout with what was no doubt the Black Plague, I found myself revitalized and feeling good about the world.

It was oddly unsettling.

Given my daily routine of dealing with:

a) retarded players

b) random morons in "the real world"

c) my crazy, hormonal baby mama

I am not used to be in a good mood. Usually, I'm smashing my head against a wall and praying for death.

Actually... I usually pray for everyone else to die. Why should I be punished?

I instantly decided that I had to do something to get rid of this "good" feeling.

What could I do to put me in a bad mood?

So, I'm in Crawler's Nest...

For those of you who either don't play FFXI or are too low level to have been inside Crawler's Nest, it's basically a dank, dark tunnel filled with things that want to tear your face off.

If they so much as hear you, they will gather up a group of their friends and play wiffle ball with your corpse.

Doesn't this sound like a great place to entrust your life to five people you don't even know?

I was lfg on my Black Mage in Jeuno, checking prices on crafting materials, when I got a tell from someone.

Player>> (( Crawler's Nest )) (( Party )) ((Do you need it? ))

For those of you unfamiliar with Auto-translatese, this says:

Player>> Would you like to party in Crawler's Nest?

Immediately, my heart sank as visions of my grisly demise rushed before my eyes.

That had taken care of the good mood alright, but it might have come back.

Dammit, I wasn't taking any chances.

[GM]Dave>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> On my way.

I grabbed a chocobo in Lower Jeuno (Yes, a real chocobo, not some sick, coma-bound tamagotchi) and set out.

As soon as I joined the party, I could tell this was going to be bad. It's kind of disheartening to actually listen to your new teammates die horribly when you're still on your way there.

Yeah, I don't think I'll have to worry about that good mood coming back after this.

A passing White Mage had raised the whole party by the time I arrived, so we just had to wait for their weakness to wear off and we'd be good.

Still, my hand was poised over my warp macro.

Yes, I know I have Escape, as well. Why should I save those guys? That shit costs MP.

While we waited, it became raadily apparent that one of our members seemed to be having some problems.

Puller>> What happened?
Leader>> You pulled a link.
Leader>> Then two beetles kicked our asses.
Puller>> What's a link?

Red flag.

How in the hell does a Thief make it to this level and not know what a link is?

There are two things a Thief does:

1) pull mobs for the party

2) stand there while you use them as a Treasure Hunter whore

There's no way a Thief could make it to this point without encountering a link. It just doesn't happen.

Still, I give him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe he's just retarded.

Their sicknesses wore off, so we rested to full health and went to work.

Things went quite well for a while.

Operative words: for a while.

Suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, the Thief pulls another link. The two beetles were nowhere near each other, but he still somehow managed to bring two homicidal bugs back to camp.

I, of course, start sleeping the link so we can survive or get the hell out of there.

That's when I see Linko, the boy wonder, hitting the second beetle.

Puller>> What?
Puller>> I'm killing the second beetle.
[GM]Dave>> I'm trying to sleep them, you retard!
Puller>> So?
[GM]Dave>> It's kind of hard when you keep waking it up.
[GM]Dave>> Stop hitting the damned thing.
Puller>> Whoops.
Puller>> Had no idea.

Okay, a retarded eight-year-old could tell you that things wake up when you hit them.

Anyone who has played FFXI for any serious amount of time understands the premise of sleeping linked enemies. Noone touches the second mob or everyone ends up eating a handful of dirt.

And thanks to Captain Tardo, our entire party was now face down and considering throwing our computers out the nearest window.

Right then, it hit me. He had to have bought this account. No one, no matter how retarded, could play Thief for this long and not grasp even the most basic of ideas.

Yeah, he had definitely bought the account.

That or he was some new breed of super-retard.

Either way, he was getting fed to a dragon.

I made some quick excuse about being narcoleptic and logged out.

Then, I quickly logged in on my GM account.

I warped the other four players back to their Homepoints and warped the Thief to Mordion Gaol.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you suffered a serious blow to the head.
Puller>> No.
Puller>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
[GM]Dave>> Damn
[GM]Dave>> It's worse than I thought.
[GM]Dave>> Do you know what year it is?
Puller>> What are you talking about?
Puller>> I don't have amnesia.
[GM]Dave>> Whoops.
[GM]Dave>> You must be retarded then.
[GM]Dave>> Wait... I shouldn't call you retarded if you're actually retarded.
[GM]Dave>> What's the right term...
[GM]Dave>> Oh, screw that. You're retarded.
[GM]Dave>> It's not like you'd know the difference.
Puller>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Fine, fine.
[GM]Dave>> Differently abled.
[GM]Dave>> Okay then...
[GM]Dave>> Could you do me a favor then?
Puller>> What?
[GM]Dave>> What city did you start in?
Puller>> What does that matter?
[GM]Dave>> It's just a question.
[GM]Dave>> Which city?
Puller>> I have no idea.
Puller>> I don't remember.

Saying you don't know what city you started in in FFXI is like saying you don't remember what your home town was called.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[GM]Dave>> Did you buy this account, sir?
Puller>> ... No.

[GM]Dave starts casting Fire on Puller's pants.

Puller>> What are you...?!
Puller>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Just tell me the truth.
Puller>> I'm telling you the truth!

[GM]Dave starts casting Fire II on Puller's pants.

[GM]Dave>> It's your choice really.
[GM]Dave>> If you tell the truth, I'll let you go with a warning.

[GM]Dave starts casting Fire III on Puller's pants.

Puller>> OKAY! OKAY!
Puller>> Please stop!
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead.
Puller>> I bought this account.
[GM]Dave>> There.
[GM]Dave>> Doesn't that feel better?
Puller>> Yeah, a little.
Puller>> Is that warning going to affect my game?
[GM]Dave>> I doubt it.

Jormungand hits Puller for 14,981 points of damage.
Puller was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I know.
[GM]Dave>> Don't trust GMs.
[GM]Dave>> How's that?

Buying an account doesn't make you a bad person. It really doesn't.

You're a bad person before you buy the account.

Buying the account just makes you retarded.


At 8:45 PM, Blogger Keith said...

Thanks, you just made the game a little less retarded for the rest of us. :)

At 8:56 PM, Blogger Kabii-chan said...

he got what he deserved XD

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

I had a run-in before with a guy who bought an account and was manaburning with us at lvl 60... it was scary @_@

At 9:20 PM, Blogger okccameron said...

Calling a player retarded eighty different ways and then arguing with him is getting old, man. Your material is sort of losing it's touch. Think up something new!

At 9:28 PM, Blogger Gray Fox said...

Yeah... You simply do NOT get to lv40+ acting as a puller without a single link. No matter how damned good you might be, you will link eventually.

At 9:58 PM, Blogger Zarquon said...

After reading this, all I could htink about was that post awhile back where you mentioned pre-digested food. People who actually buy accounts are complete morons.

At 10:25 PM, Blogger Exc said...

Yeah, I once pty'd with a lvl 60 something DRK who asked me how to make a's not to hard to pick account buyers out from the rest of the world.

...Then again he was a DRK...

At 11:10 PM, Blogger Esined said...

"then again he was a DRK"


wow haven't met alot of good drks have you >.>

I'm sorry but I have many Drk friends who are imo great at their jobs so don't go generalising.

At 5:22 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...


You need to understand something. For every post I get about trying new things, I get three posts or e-mails about more dragon feedings.

The reason I actually posted about this incident is that someone else recently posted that they wanted to see more Jormy feedings.

You can see the conflicting feedback I'm getting.

You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time.

Still, I get the feedback. I'm trying to find a new mix of the "classic" Jormy feedings and other types of post.

See, you thought I was going to tell you to go to hell or something.

Just like I told Susan's grandmother before I punched her in the face, I'm full of surprises.

At 6:08 AM, Blogger Drescher the Great said...


Gotta hate it when a PT member has no clue as to their role. Nice post.

At 6:36 AM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

"okccameron said...
Calling a player retarded eighty different ways and then arguing with him is getting old, man. Your material is sort of losing it's touch. Think up something new! "

Okiwokie sucks. I think GM Dave is sexy. I love a man who knows when to properly employ a dragon.

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Shutat said...

Absolutely brilliant, Dave. Yet another shining example of good work in a world of retards. Thare have been many nights when I have pulled out my hair in frustration over retards like that. Personally, I feel if those of us that are not retarded could actually summon Jormy for ourselves, your job would be so much easier. That, and our days of gaming would be filled with smiles and a deep sense of well-being. Keep up the good work, mate.

At 1:09 PM, Blogger Citizen Bleys said...

wow haven't met alot of good drks have you >.>

I have, but for every good drk I've met, I've met a dozen 13 year olds who think they are being cool and original by having a Last Resort macro containing lyrics from a Papa Roach song.

(I've never listened to Papa Roach...I know about the song because there were so many brain-damaged, glue-huffing drks using the same Last Resort macro that I looked it up)

That macro is a red flag, really. Any drk with the intellectual capacity to actually be of benefit to the party does NOT use that macro. For that matter, they seldom use Last Resort. It's called that for a reason.

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Squaremike said...

Hi GM Dave,

Just thought I would pass along that we are pretty sure who you actually are.

When we are very sure, you will get a tap on the shoulder, that Tap will not be a supervisor it will be me informing you of your separation from our Company.

Have a fantastic day
Your pal

At 2:07 PM, Blogger Artos said...

DRKs seldom use Last Resort?

DRKs pop on Last Resort and Souleater for every WS they can and then immediately turn it off as soon as the WS is completed.

Of course, with a five-minute timer, that *could* be considered seldom.

At 2:08 PM, Blogger legolias said...

Is squaremike serious? How often do you get weird comments like that.... We all know who GM[Dave] is anyway if you have been following the comments. He does lots of writings that are very popular and I'm sure that squaremike is full of **** anyway.

But seriously dave, do any of these people's comments like that ever have any weight behind them? Please answer this question.

At 3:55 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Dear Squaremike,


/equip "Boots" feet

/ja "shake" < me >

Fond regards,


At 5:52 PM, Blogger TheAnaconda said...

you tell 'im dave!

At 7:34 PM, Blogger mysticoblivion said...


At 7:38 PM, Blogger Jhes said...

DRKs seldom use Last Resort?

DRKs pop on Last Resort and Souleater for every WS they can and then immediately turn it off as soon as the WS is completed.

Of course, with a five-minute timer, that *could* be considered seldom.

Wait, you actually know DRKs who turn that off? o.o

I have yet to meet a drk who turns that stuff on and then turns it off after WS, they seem to enjoy letting the natural timer run out, while me as a mage is sitting there cure-bombing them. I have come to loathe the DRK job in general because of all the idiots that do this.

I vowed to make DRK the last job to lvl if ever, lately i had to break that vow cause ppl want me to lvl it for rdm sub -.-; Guess ppl enjoy seeng RDM commit suicide via Chainspell Stun.

At 9:19 PM, Blogger Vander said...

Hey! The auto-translate function's opening parenthesis is green, and the latter is red, not the other way around! A real GM would know this! This guy's a phony! Phony!

... That said, I love the blog.

At 10:48 PM, Blogger TheAnaconda said...

you expect him to care about the proper order after being eaten alive by flesh-eating bacteria?

heck i doubt few people pay attention to the colors as it is

At 11:41 AM, Blogger hello fodder said...

. . . pants on fire?


At 8:11 AM, Blogger Dale said...

"Squaremike said...
Hi GM Dave,

Just thought I would pass along that we are pretty sure who you actually are.

When we are very sure, you will get a tap on the shoulder, that Tap will not be a supervisor it will be me informing you of your separation from our Company.

Have a fantastic day
Your pal
Squaremike. ""

Lol the hunter becomes the hunted aye.. Carmas a bitch lol.. see what you get for condensending to people like children? If you like your job.. at all.. or better yet, your paycheck, maybe you should make a life And whats this pay pal thing to you? lmfao do people actually give you money? ARE U PEOPLE SO PATHETIC U GIVE THIS GUY FREAKIN MONEY?! lmfao what a joke.. u know.. at first I was like eh, maybe this guy is ok.. then I see the way you just talk down to everyone and to top it off u try to act like your going to help people if they send u cash.. Yea, and everyone else is doing bannable offenses? lmfao dude ur a Hypocrite. and a joke. Only a matter of time til they find ur ass and poof.. "Square Mike Hits "GM Dave" for 1,000,0000 DMG"... Ouch... He hit u so hard .. you lost your Bet that'll knock u right off your high horse huh.. and why don't yall stop swingin off this guys nuts like he's some God.. it's really sad.. He plays a freakin video game for hells sake..and no, he ain't gonna give you Didn't you read , I quote " I don't like people" lol. that means < you >.. Sad....

At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Dale, you asshat, when you insult someone, you better make sure you look intelligent while doing it. That usually involves spelling things correctly, like "Karma" and "condescending" for example.
Also, is it really that hard to spell out the word "you"?
Ah, well, I'm sure in your case it probably is.
Anyway, if you don't like what he writes, why the fuck are you reading it?
We all have our gripes, and we all like to bitch, which is exactly what he's doing. And I happen to think it's hilarious.
Do the world a favor and go choke on a dictionary.


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