Monday, September 29, 2008

F&$@ You, Mega Man

I'd like to thank everyone who sent me a message for my birthday. It helped make a good day even better.

I spent the morning sleeping in. The parents in the crowd know what a big deal this is on a Sunday morning and, believe me, it was well appreciated.

Susan then made a huge Chinese food buffet topped off with homemade chocolate cake.

I love that woman.

Then, as part of my gift, she got me a Wii points card.


As soon as I could, I went on and downloaded Mega Man 9.


F&$@ You, Mega Man.

F&$@ You and your stupid dog.

What the hell is wrong with the people who made this game?

Apparently, the guys who designed Pandemonium Warden must sideline over at Capcom or something.

This game is just plain cruel.

I'm an old school gamer. I grew up on the Atari. I got a NES system on the NA launch.

I know some hard games.

Hard games don't bother me.

This shit is just plain wrong.

It's like I spent ten dollars to have someone kick me in the face repeatedly.

Sure, I know there are people who actually pay people to LITERALLY kick them in the face.

I'm not that guy.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think Mega Man 9 is an important step in the right direction for games.

We need games that are about more than shiny graphics.

We need old school games for new school gamers.

This is a great game in that respect.

This is also a great game if you don't like yourself much and wonder what it would feel like to be absolutely retarded.

Why is this game so freakin' hard?

Disappearing blocks? Really?

What the F&$@?

I don't know if this game is supposed to incredibly challenging or if someone at Capcom just F&$@ing hates everyone.

I'm leaning towards the latter.

I hear for Mega Man 10, they take 1000 wii points and then just come to your house and kick you in the junk.

At least it would save me some time.

Capcom>> Hello.
Dave>> Hey.
Dave>> How you doing?
Capcom>> Good. Good.
Capcom>> Did you download Mega Man 10?
Dave>> I think so...
Dave>> It may have been my wif...


Capcom>> Thanks for your support.
Dave>> *GASP*
Dave>> No... Problem...
Capcom>> Can I interest you in some downloadable content?
Dave>> ...
Dave>> I'm good.

Damn this game is hard.

It's like some bad relationship where he just keeps hitting me and I just keeping coming back.

It's okay though. I think I can change him though.

He doesn't really mean to do it.

Everything's going to be okay.

I hope...

F&$@ You, Mega Man.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Where The Hell Is My Fan Pack?

There's something wrong with the fan pack. I've rewritten things a few times, but it still doesn't feel right.

If I sent it out like this, I'd feel like I short changed you guys.

You deserve better than that.

I'm going to work on it until I get it right and then it'll be immediately sent out. Tonight hopefully, or tomorrow at the latest.

Trust me: it's coming.

It'll be done when it's done.

Just like Duke Nukem Forever.

... Maybe that's a bad example.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Huh... I Guess I Was Wrong

Let it never be said that [GM]Dave is not humble.

I'm not, but I really hate it when people say that.

Several times in the blog, I've said that there are no girls on the internet. This was, of course, a joke. I am entirely aware that there are indeed women on the internet.

And no, I'm not talking about those women in platform shoes in your dirty, dirty little videos.

You pervert.

I'm talking about all of those girl gamers out there, campaigning, and raiding, and... pwning...

They do a lot of stuff. The internet has a lot of different tubes.

So why do I insist that there are no female gamers?

Because it's funny.

Despite my knowing that there do exist female gamers, I had never really thought about how prevalent these women may be among our community.

Imagine my surprise when someone points out that 40% of gamers are female.



Seriously, 40%?

This brings up an interesting question:

Why is it everytime you hear about someone cybering with a female character, it always turns out to be a 50 year old fat guy?

You will never unsee this picture.

Something is very wrong with this entire thing.

No, I don't mean with that picture.

Well... Yeah, there's something entirely wrong with that picture. There's a whole freaking ton of things wrong with that picture.

I was actually referring to the whole female gamer thing.

Where the hell are they?

So, master detective that I am, I worked diligently trying to find where all of these female gamers have gone.

After my extensive research, I have come to one inescapable conclusion:

They're all playing WoW.

It all makes sense. The bright, neon color armor. The disgustingly cute avatars.

The whole game is marketed towards female players.

It is obviously a chick game.

Now, you're probably thinking I have no proof of this.

I don't blame you. I do tend to make completely insane statements with no logical or rational basis.

It's one of the things that makes me so lovable.

But this time... This time I have proof.

Not pictured: Dignity.


If that isn't incontrovertible proof, I don't know what is.

Total chick game.

You'd never see this for FFXI. If there was an instant substitute for FFXI, it'd be a bottle of Jack Daniel's and some broken glass to chew on.

That shit is manly.

If they run out of WoW, you get to take care of kittens and puppy dogs.

Then you just paint your nails and it's like you're running through Azeroth.

I rest my case.


Yes, I wrote this whole thing just to stick it to WoW.

Suck on that a-one time.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hey, Hey, Hey... Goodbye!

Breaking news, people.

Apparently, there is a God.

Who knew?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Working On Fanpack

Read title.

I'm working very hard on the fan pack. Very, very hard.

This, my good reader, I do for you.

Only part of it is related to my massive ego.

A large part, but only a part.

Monday, September 22, 2008

My Confessions

We're friends, right?

I mean, I know I write this stuff for everybody, but out of all my readers, you're my favorite.

No, no. It's true.

I thought I'd take a few minutes of your time to share some of my darkest secrets with you.

No, it has nothing to do with that hooker in Sacremento.

I won't be telling anyone about that.

Actually, I thought it would be interesting to share some of my gaming secrets. Things so personal (and possibly emabarassing) that I've never shared them with anyone before.

All of the following facts are entirely true and I only share them here for your amusement.

Please don't laugh.

Okay... Please don't laugh too hard.

1) I've never actually finished Super Mario Bros. 3

I'll start with this one because it's the most embarassing.

Even though I've played this game hundreds of times on a variety of systems, I've never actually finished it. I can get to world 8 with absolutely minimal effort, but lose interest with all the dark airship levels and never finish.

I fully intend on finishing it someday.


2) The Wizard

In a related secret, I actually rented the movie The Wizard when Super Mario Bros. 3 came out.

In order to make it easier to finish (ironically), I rented the movie and watched the end scene. When they play SMB3 in the big competition, they actually show you how to get a warp whistle.

After that, I simply sketched the screen image and played every level until I found that same screen. Luckily, it's in the first castle in level 1.

3) I had a Nintendo phone

When I was younger, I had a Mario phone in my bedroom. It was a single piece phone that looked like a big blue pipe with Mario sticking out at the top.

Before you say how awesome that would be to have as a collector's item, I used this as an actual phone.

In my bedroom.

Throughout high school.

Yeah, it's hard to impress your girlfriend when you're calling people on a Mario phone.

4) I never owned a system between the original NES and my PSOne

This is really sad. Between my original NES system I got on the NA launch and the PSOne I got from Susan when I was in university, I never actually owned another system.

Not a SNES.

Not an N64.

Not even a Genesis.

Sure, I played them all, but it was always at someone else's house.

After a particularly difficult time obtaining MegaMan 3 for Christmas, my mother vowed never to buy me another system.

She has been true to her word to this day.

That evil, evil woman.

5) I like the Coral Pink DS

Yeah, I know it's the girl color, but damn if that thing doesn't look sweet.

Don't get me wrong. I love my Onyx black DS.

But that pink one looks awesome.

No, I'm not gay.

6) I suck at DDR

I'm not ungraceful. I have spent years training in a variety of martial arts.

But put me on a DDR mat and I practically have a seizure.

I don't understand the problem. I think I have rhythm, but that damned game just hates me.

7) I also suck at Guitar Hero/ Rock Band

Suck may be a strong word. I can play extremely well on the medium setting.

See, the next difficulty setting should be a small, logical step up, right?


Oh hell no.

Instead, the gap between medium and hard is roughly equivalent to the Grand Canyon.

I honestly don't think anyone can play on expert level. It's all just a conspiracy to make me feel even more retarded.

8) I cheered at the end of Final Fantasy VIII

I won't spoil the ending for you in case you haven't played it (for some insane reason), but I cheered at the end.

When the credits finished rolling, I actually stood up and cheered.

There may or may not have been a fist pump.

And... There we go.

I think we've shared enough for one evening.

Assuming you can actually stop laughing, feel free to leave your own gaming confessions in the comment section.

Seriously, though... Let's keep this between just you and me, okay?

Sunday, September 21, 2008


Okay, this is a question I hear a lot.

I mean A LOT.

I don't just mean from e-mails. This is a question that has been asked repeatedly since FFXI first came out.

Just last night, I got an e-mail about this.

Where are all the black people?

One of the first things players notice when they start playing FFXI is that there are very few character models that even suggest a variety of real world races.

They then immediately race to their nearest FFXI forum to comment on this fact.

I read those posts and die a little inside.

Now, some of you may think this is silly, but I can understand this being a big issue. Some people like to create characters that resemble them personally.

That could prove kind of difficult when the blackest hume character available is this guy:


This has always been a pretty big deal.

At least... It could have been a big deal.

I know when the game first came out there were many cries of racism and prejudice.

That might have been true if it weren't for the fact that the only Asian face is this guy:

How are these two topics related?

Well, the game was designed in Japan.

By a Japanese company.

And was originally released only in Japan.

Assuming we were going to throw around the idea of prejudice and racism, wouldn't one think there would be a higher proportion of Asian faces?

Like more than one?

There's only eight freaking hume faces to begin with. How much diversity could we really have?

I'm all for getting angry over stuff, but I think it's time we put this to bed, people. This one was a real non-starter in terms of stuff to get pissed about.

95% of the time, you only get to see the back of your own head anyway.

Can we all just get over this?


Trust me. There's no racism or prejudice at play here.

We're cool with everybody.

Unless you're retarded.

Is retarded a race?

I don't think retarded is a race.

It'd be a heck of a slow race.

Bah dump psshhhh.

Please stop e-mailing me about this.


I can't take it anymore.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

One Of Those Conversations...


Susan>> That's disgusting.
[GM]Dave>> What's disgusting, honey?
Susan>> This show...
Susan>> All of these women just took their bras off.
[GM]Dave>> Are we taping this?
[GM]Dave>> We should be taping this.
[GM]Dave>> Are we taping this?
Susan>> Shut up.
Susan>> It's weird.
[GM]Dave>> What's the big deal?
Susan>> Well, it's just this big group of women.
Susan>> Ordinary women.
Susan>> And they're all standing there topless.
[GM]Dave>> Are we tapin...
Susan>> I'm going to hit you.
Susan>> I swear to God.
[GM]Dave>> You were saying...
Susan>> Why would anyone want to do that?
Susan>> If I was on TV like that, I'd want a nice fancy bra.
Susan>> Something really nice looking.
Susan>> I certainly wouldn't want to be standing around topless.
[GM]Dave>> Susan, the whole thing is about real beauty.
[GM]Dave>> It's about how any woman is beautiful.
[GM]Dave>> They're not all fake and plastic looking.
[GM]Dave>> They're real women.
Susan>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Rather than a bunch of skinny models...
[GM]Dave>> Or a bunch of dolled up strippers...
[GM]Dave>> They're real, honest women.
[GM]Dave>> And they don't have to be anything, but women.
[GM]Dave>> It's a feminist statement about true beauty.
[GM]Dave>> It's very powerful and moving.
Susan>> I suppose you're right.
Susan>> Do you really think it's that moving?
[GM]Dave>> Of course it is.
[GM]Dave>> Tits are awesome.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Look At The Time...

Susan has taken it upon herself to supervise the fan pack schedule.

It seems I'm not to be trusted.

Honestly, I'd be incredibly offended if I hadn't proven myself incapable of maintaining a schedule on a variety of occasions.

I think it has something to do with my attention deficit did you see Prison Break last night? It was awesome.

Wait... What were we talking about?

Fan packs.

Apparently, we're getting close to four weeks again.

I have no idea how Susan keeps track of these things. It's like she's got a schedule set on 28 days or something.

I'm totally getting hit for that.

So, roughly one week from today, I will be sending out a brand spanking new fan pack complete with incredibly exclusive stories and articles.

And pictures.

And maybe a cat.

Does anyone know how to send a cat as a ZIP file?

Maybe a RAR file?

That's a really bad pun that I'm only partially proud of.

As usual, anyone who donates $5 or more between fan packs will become an instant member of the super awesome [GM]Dave fan club. Each member will then receive the super awesome fan pack.

Did I mention it's super awesome?

Donations for this fan pack will be put toward both Susan's birthday and my own. People who read the blog carefully would realize my birthday is coming up in less than two weeks.

Susan's is three days later.


Did you know birthday presents cost money?

I didn't know that.

I'm not sure what I want to get her yet, but the lingerie store near our house is having a half off sale.

I haven't decided which half I'd buy.

That may or may not be a joke. We'll see how Susan reacts to the idea.

Since response seemed really positive for the theme week concept, I've decided we'll do it again. The person who donates the most will be given the opportunity to pick their own theme week topic and I will write for seven straight days on any topic you pick.

You should totally pick Batman.

Also, fan club membership status grants you a full pardon when we rise up and crush our oppressors. When I become [Galactic Overlord]Dave you will be spared.

Possibly your loved ones, as well.


There will be cake.

Now, you might be saying "But Dave, what if you don't take over the entire world?"

That's possible.

But do you really want to take that chance?

You Don't Know Us

I've been thinking a lot lately about gamer stereotypes.

Recently, as several MMORPG stories hit the news circuit, our community came under focus. This, of course, lead them to reference several gamer stereotypes.

No, I'm not talking about girl gamers. Everyone knows those don't exist.

I'm talking about the idea that all gamers are fat, ugly losers who live in their parents' basements and have never seen a girl.

Every other sentence in most of those articles made some trite and shallow comment about the pathetic loner gamer type.

Am I saying that these people don't exist? No.

I am quite sure that yes some of these people exist.

I am quite certain that some gamers, were they actually able to get a date, would no doubt try to impress the poor woman with their +7 Wand of Eralim's Might.

That might be a euphemism. I haven't decided if I'm that witty yet.

So, yeah, I will concede that these people do actually exist.

But do these people constitute the majority of gamer culture? Oh hell no.

That would be like saying every baseball fan wears clown wigs and holds up signs saying John 3:16.

At least I don't play vidjeo games, right?

Do you think that's a fair assessment of baseball fans? Of course not.

That would be retarded.

It is, however, perfectly acceptable to assume that all gamers are overweight virgin losers.

Do you know why that's acceptable?

Because it lets them feel safe.

It lets people feel safe knowing that that guy who was smarter than you in school is nowhere near as awesome as you believe yourself to be.

Oh, someone plays video games. That means they could never be as cool as you, right?


Let's completely forget the fact that video games are a multi-billion dollar business.

Let's completely forget the fact that video games have become a major part of main stream media.

Yeah, gamers are all dorks and geeks.

You totally got us.

See, the problem is that these people can't even fathom the idea that gamers might just be regular people.

They certainly can't imagine the idea that we run shit.

It's just beyond the scope of their limited imaginations.

As they live their small lives, their uncreative lives, the only thread they can hold on to is that they must be better than someone.

Gamers make an easy target.

Obviously if they don't understand video games, they mustn't be cool.

So, they throw their slurs and make their little jokes. They talk about gamers being fat and ugly, being pathetic and sad.

That lets them wake up in the morning and not put a gun in their mouth.

Because we aren't. We're more.

We have lives. We have families.

We're people.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 7!


And you thought I couldn't do it.

Shame on you.

Well, this has been great. Drive safe, folks.



I need to write something for today.



Oh, don't worry. I'm kidding.

I left what I feel to be the best story for the last.

See, there are certain things you should say and there are certain things you shouldn't say.

Thing you should say: "Hello, Dear. You're looking nice today."

Thing you shouldn't say: "Hello, Dear. The International Astronomical Union called. They're classifying your ass as a planet."

Thing you should say: "Wow, that dress looks great on you, honey."

Thing you shouldn't say: "Wow, that dress looks great on me, honey."

Thing you should say: "Is there a problem, officer?"

Thing you shouldn't say: "Yeah, I was totally speeding."

Thing you really shouldn't say: "I can't believe you caught me, f--ker."

It's really not that hard to figure out. Basically, there should be some sort of filter between your brain and your mouth that helps you differentiate between the two.

Unfortunately, most people don't seem to have this.

And I mean the brain part.

Bah dump psshhhh.

Shut up. That was funny.

You would be honestly astounded at how people can say the most retarded things when they get in trouble.

Personally, if I was being reprimanded by a GM, I'd shut my damned mouth. You say one wrong thing and they can ban your account with the click of a button.

It's not hard.

The button is right there.

You don't even have to hold CTRL or nothing.

You feel free to take that as a warning.

A little over a week ago, I got a GM call asking me to deal with a teleport scammer. The guy would agree to teleport, take the player's gil, and then disband party.

Honestly, this is a pretty stupid scam. It might, MIGHT, take 20 seconds to teleport someone and then warp back to your original position.

Maybe 25 if load times are bad.

Stealing someone's gil to save yourself 20 seconds is pretty damned idiotic in my book.

Also, it makes you a huge douchebag.

Since this was a cut and dry case of violating an agreement, I decided action would have to be taken, so I promptly warped to the scammer's location.

Okay, "promptly" might be a bit of an exaggeration.

I promptly finished my drink, checked my e-mail, did some crafting, and THEN warped to the scammer's location.

Just in time to see him scam someone else.

Scammer>> Sorry.
Scammer>> Not happening.

Talk about timing.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Is there a problem here?
Scammer>> No, sir.
Scammer>> No problem.
Player>> He stole my money.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> I figured that part out.
[GM]Dave>> I smart.
Player>> I'll just shut up now.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe that would be for the best.
Scammer>> Listen...
Scammer>> I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
[GM]Dave>> Well damn.
[GM]Dave>> I guess I don't have any proof.
Scammer>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Unless you count the gigs and gigs worth of logs.
[GM]Dave>> Gigs.
[GM]Dave>> Do I have to go look at those?

I wasn't actually going to look at them.

I didn't get to be where I am today by looking at evidence or being fair.

[GM]Dave>> Or are you going to tell me the truth?
Scammer>> Okay...
Scammer>> Let me be honest...


Area: Mordion Gaol

Scammer>> What are you doing?
[GM]Dave>> I'm trying to save us both some time.
[GM]Dave>> We both know you're about to lie.
Scammer>> That's not true.
[GM]Dave>> Then why'd you say you were going to be honest?
[GM]Dave>> You don't have to say that if you're being honest.
Scammer>> Oh just do it already.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Do what?
Scammer>> Give me my warning.
Scammer>> I have stuff to do.
[GM]Dave>> Warning?
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about a warning?
Scammer>> Oh knock it off.
Scammer>> You don't scare me.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you don't know who I am.
Scammer>> Yeah, I know.
Scammer>> That's all bullshit.
Scammer>> I'm not scared.
[GM]Dave>> You must be a slow learner.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have any idea what I could do?
Scammer>> Nothing.
Scammer>> Absolutely nothing.
[GM]Dave>> That's not the answer I was expecting.
Scammer>> You can't ban me.
[GM]Dave>> Are you really sure of that?
Scammer>> GMs can't do anything.

Already he had me angry. At this point, I was quite ready to fly to his house and beat him to death.

I'm tough, but fair.

Then... Then he said something even dumber.

Scammer>> What are you going to do next?
Scammer>> Call out your big, purple dragon...
Scammer>> Barney?


He called Jormy, the huge, terrifying, moron-consuming dragon, Barney.

[GM]Dave>> Did you just...
[GM]Dave>> Did you...

My mind couldn't even form the sentences.

At this point, I could have summoned Jormy and have him make a quick snack of our brain damaged friend.

But no... I always learned that the punishment should fit the crime.

Four hours later...

Area: Whitegate

[GM]Dave>> Sing it again.
Scammer>> Please...
Scammer>> Please stop.
Jormy>> ROAR!
[GM]Dave>> He says you're not dancing enough.
Scammer>> I'm really sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Don't make me tell you again.
[GM]Dave>> Sing.
Scammer>> I love you...
Scammer>> You love me...

Jormungand hits Scammer for 13,486 points of damage.
Scammer was defeated by Jormungand.
Scammer falls to level 63.

[GM]Dave>> He doesn't think you're being sincere.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Scammer.

[GM]Dave>> Let's try this again.
Scammer>> Please...
Scammer>> I love you...

Jormungand hits Scammer for 12,809 points of damage.
Scammer was defeated by Jormungand.

Scammer>> What was that one for?!
[GM]Dave>> You're not clapping enough.

This went on for several hours.

Then he just gave up, his spirit broken, and logged out.

I almost felt bad.


Then, I almost felt bad again when he logged back in the next day.

[GM]Dave>> From the top.

Listen... If you want to say mean things about me, that's one thing.

But don't you dare say anything about Jormy.

He's sensitive.

You know... For a dragon.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 6

Alternate Title: [GM]Jormy

In tonight's episode, [GM]Jormy listens to your problem, says he'll investigate, and then doesn't do anything.

Bah dump psshhhh!

Kidding. Just kidding.

I'll be the first to admit I go crazy sometimes.

I know. You're shocked.

But given the high level of psychological stress GMs face on a daily basis, I'm actually a little surprised how sane I am.

I'd call myself eccentric, but a police officer informed me that that still isn't a defense for smacking one of those squeegee kids.

So whatever.

Occasionally though, even my firm grip on sanity is tested by the citizens of Vana'diel.

I'll give you an example.

I'm giving you an example because that's how shit runs around here. I explain how people are stupid or annoying and then tell you a funny story explaining why I'm right and why people suck.

Get with the program.

Every few weeks, we get the exact same problem. Someone with too much time on their hands makes an extra account and starts spamming players with a website link.

The usual message says something like "Blah blah, I'm quitting. Blah blah, here's a bot program I used. Blah blah, go to"

Two things occur whenever this happens:

1) one wave of morons feverishly open their web browser and visit the site only to lose their entire account.

2) another wave of morons feverishly open their menu and start placing GM calls.

Now, don't get me wrong. Reporting problems like this is extremely helpful.

One of you guys should totally make the call.


Believe it or not, receiving thousands of GM calls about the exact same thing is not as productive as you might think.

I know. You're supposed to call GMs when something bad happens.

That's good.

But if there are already two thousand calls ahead of you, maybe, just maybe, someone has already mentioned it.

Could you imagine if everyone in the entire world who saw a report of a crime on the internet decided to call the police department in one town?

Do you think that might get in the way of them actually solving the problem?

I have to spend so much time reading through those calls. You know, just in case someone has an actual problem lost in that pile of fail.

Frankly, I'm starting to wonder when people are going to get smart enough to know this is a scam.

Or smart enough to know that everyone know's this is a scam.

Besides, if they go to the site, they deserve what they get.

It's not like they were giving away free puppies or guns or something.


A few days ago, it happened again.

I was already not in the greatest mood. I'd run of of Jack Daniel's and my boss had forced us to spend the morning doing some "team building exercises".

[GM]Dave was not happy.

At all.

Then the deluge of calls hit.

I haven't heard that many high pitched dings since Grandma was in the hospital and I yelled "Surprise!"

Every GM in the room knew what was happening.

Fingers flew over keyboards sending our standard protocol message.

Thank you for reporting this activity. We are investigating the incident and action will be taken.

I'm not so mundane.

I sifted through the calls until I found the message I knew would be there.

There's always one.

GM Call Description: Player /telling about website. Program will not run.

Yes, we get those. We get calls from people looking for tech support on the bot program/trojan key logger they just downloaded.

I am no longer surprised by the stupidity of people.

Still, maybe this would put me in a better mood.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What the problem is?
Player>> Oh, hi.
Player>> Someone told me a website with a program on it.
Player>> But it won't work.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> Could you tell me the site please?
Player>> It was...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That sounds perfectly legit.
[GM]Dave>> Let me check the site.

A minute passes.

[GM]Dave>> Wow. That was disturbing.
[GM]Dave>> Your mom is pretty though.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I'm just saying.
[GM]Dave>> Honestly though...
[GM]Dave>> The goat looked a little uncomfortable.
Player>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm not judging.
[GM]Dave>> That's just not my type of movie.
[GM]Dave>> Totally not judging.
[GM]Dave>> *coughFREAKcough*

Player>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
Player>> The website has a program on it.
[GM]Dave>> Not the one I saw.
[GM]Dave>> Go check for yourself.

Another minute passes.

Player>> The site has a program on it.
Player>> I told you so.
[GM]Dave>> You actually went and looked?
Player>> Of course I did.
[GM]Dave>> I told you there was a video of your mom.
[GM]Dave>> With a goat.
[GM]Dave>> And you checked the site anyway.
Player>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> You have serious issues.
Player>> This is RIDICULOUS!
[GM]Dave>> Would you like to speak to the Complaints Manager?
Player>> Yes.
Player>> Right now.

This is just too easy.

Then it hit me... It was too easy.

Where's the fun in that?

[GM]Jormy>> ROAR!
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR?
Player>> What?
Player>> What's going on?
Player>> Is this some kind of joke.
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR ROAR mom ROAR.
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR ROAR goat.
Player>> Not this again.
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR freak ROAR.
Player>> If something isn't done immediately...
Player>> I'm cancelling my account.

Jormungand hits Player for 15,982 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Jormy>> ROAR!
[GM]Dave>> He said "Can I help you with anything else today?"

Hey, I might be the crazy one.

But I'm taking some of you with me.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 5

Today, we'll be sitting down for a candid interview with Jormy, the famous dragon and special education teacher from FFXI.

Hello there, Mr. Jormangund.


Jormy then.
Can I ask how you got started in this business?


Interesting, interesting. I wasn't aware that you had starred in any adult films.


That many?
Did you have a stage name?


So why'd you stop making these movies?


You killed how many women?
How'd that happen?


That's... disturbing.
I'm going to have nightmares for months.


I understand. I can imagine that a lack of tentacles might have hurt your career.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know.

So... Are you Japanese by descent?


Scandanavian? Really?
I didn't know that.


Oh... Only on your mother's side.
What about your father?


That's strange.


Well, no... I've never seen you play hockey.


Yes, I'm sure you're quite good.

Moving on...

What are your thoughts on Adventurers?


That's pretty harsh.
And I'm not sure if Bitchtards is an actual word.

Let's talk about the different races?
Do you have a favorite?


No, I didn't mean by flavor.




I don't have control over Galka hygiene.
You'll have to take that up with them.


I don't know. E-mail them or something.


Of course they can read.


No, I don't have any proof.


... We're getting off topic.
What do you think of Elvaans?


I don't think I'd go that far.
Yes, they're flamboyant, but...


No, I don't know the difference between San d'Oria and San Francisco.


That's so wrong.

Listen... I think maybe we should just end the interview.


No, no. It's nothing you said.


I... Uhh... I guess I'm a little hungry.
What are you in the mood for?


... No thanks.
I had Taru for lunch.


No, I'm not ditching you.
I have stuff to do.
Man, I bet Fafnir isn't such a drama queen.

Things got a little ugly after that.

Eventually, when things cooled down, we decided to forget the whole thing and spend some quality time together.

Damn, tarus are chewy.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 4

Since the world did not end this morning, it seems Jormy week will continue.

Do you know something funny?

People actually ask me if they can take on Jormy.

I don't understand that. I've never woken up in the morning and said "You know, I bet I could take down a grizzly."

Is it like one of those extreme sports things? Are people getting so tired of snowboarding and base jumping that dragon fighting is becoming a new sport?

After giving it some careful thought and consideration, I have come up with another theory.


People is dumb.

That took a while to come up with.

I made charts.

What on earth would possess you to fight a dragon?

Especially by choice.

I spend the better part of each day feeding people to Jormy against their will. They beg and plead. Some of them cry.

And then I get these people that think "Hey, that sounds like fun."

Every time I start to believe I couldn't think less of our society, someone sends another of those damned GM calls.

Now, usually, it's an entire linkshell that makes the request. They'll organize a large group of high level players looking for a special challenge.

My Jormy brings all the boys to the yard.

But a few days ago, I got this same request from a single player.

GM Call Description: [GM]Dave, I want to try and solo Jormy.

Apparently, this was easier than finding the Cancel Content ID button.

Being a firm believer in prompt customer service, I immediately warped this player and his exceedingly poor judgment to Mordion Gaol.

In his defense, I will say that I was fairly impressed with his gear. He was a 75 Red Mage and had most, if not all, of the best equipment available.

If I didn't hate him before...

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're considering ending your own life.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Suicide is never the answer, you know.
[GM]Dave>> Unless someone asks you a question.
[GM]Dave>> Like "What's the word for killing yourself?"
[GM]Dave>> Then suicide is the answer.
Player>> Why are you telling me this?
[GM]Dave>> Or if someone says "I'm leveling PUP."
[GM]Dave>> "What should I do first?"
[GM]Dave>> Suicide is definitely the answer.
Player>> Could you please stop?
Player>> There's no need for this.
[GM]Dave>> You're obviously trying to kill yourself.
[GM]Dave>> Corporate makes us read this pamphlet.
Player>> I don't want to kill myself.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> This must be a good freakin' pamphlet.
Player>> I just want to fight Jormy.
Player>> I know I can take him.
[GM]Dave>> I totally agree.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> By "take him" you mean "get eaten", right?
[GM]Dave>> Right?
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Then you lost me.
Player>> Have you seen my gear?
Player>> I could solo Jormy in my sleep.
[GM]Dave>> My, don't we think a lot of ourselves.
[GM]Dave>> I bet you mom thinks you're cool, too.
Player>> Listen...
Player>> Call out your little dragon.
Player>> Let's do this.
[GM]Dave>> Little dragon?
[GM]Dave>> Little dragon?!
[GM]Dave>> Did you really just call Jormy my "little dragon"?
Player>> Are you going to talk all day?

Apparently, he really is suicidal.

I hope his mom doesn't open his mail for him.

[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> Before we do this, I need to ask you a few questions.
Player>> Shoot.
[GM]Dave>> Don't tempt me.
[GM]Dave>> Have you thought this through very carefully?
Player>> For the love of...
[GM]Dave>> Just answer the question.
Player>> Yes. Yes, I thought this through.
[GM]Dave>> Do you understand all the rules?
Player>> Sure, I do.
Player>> You call Jormy, I kill Jormy, I laugh.
Player>> The end.
[GM]Dave>> And what penalty will you be choosing?
Player>> Penalty?
[GM]Dave>> For failure.
[GM]Dave>> What will be your penalty for failing?
Player>> I'm not going to fail.
[GM]Dave>> Then what do you have to worry about?
Player>> I don't care.
Player>> Whatever.

They make it too easy. They really do.

[GM]Dave>> Okay, one last time...
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure you understand all the rules?
Player>> YES!
Player>> Get on with it, dammit!
[GM]Dave>> Yes, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> Let me just buff up first.

That action could not be performed.

Player>> Umm...

That action could not be performed.

Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Dave>> You can't use any abilities in here.
Player>> You didn't tell me that.
[GM]Dave>> I asked you if you knew the rules.
[GM]Dave>> You said yes.
Player>> Now, hold on a second...

Jormungand hits Player for 14,846 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Hey! That was pretty good.
[GM]Dave>> You had him on the run there for a minute.


[GM]Dave>> He said "Who's your dragon now?"

For future reference, making requests like this is just plain retarded.

You don't know what you're getting into.

On an unrelated note, I now own a very impressive set of Red Mage gear.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 3

And the Jormy theme week continues...

People ask me if I ever get sick of Jormy. They wonder if I've ever thought of using another mob.

Why the hell would I do that?

Sure, occasionally, the situation calls for me to use another monster from the game. You know, a bunny or a worm or something.

Basically, only when it makes the killing that much funnier.

And for those of you who don't play FFXI, yes, bunnies and worms are part of the monster legion that infests Vana'diel. It's part of our "make you feel retarded because you got your ass handed to you by a rabbit" plan.

But for those few times I've used another mob for comic effect, I'd never actually replace Jormy.

I love seeing him eat people.

That shit is hilarious.

How could I ever get tired of that?

Plus, whenever I feed someone to Jormy, I try to say something witty so that each time is unique.

I'm like Grissom.

...But with a dragon.

Note to self: call CBS, re: new show idea.

Now, I wish I could say I had never, ever gotten tired of seeing Jormy eat someone.

Unfortunately, as much as I do enjoy it, there was one day that I just couldn't do it anymore.

You can imagine how bad a day that must have been. I mean, I spend 8 hours a day sending barely-functional idiots on a scenic tour of Jormy's digestive system.

That's a lot of idiots.

And yet, that one day, I just started to run out of steam.

Do you know how hard it is for me to run out of steam? I drink so much Red Bull, my urine is neon green.

It started like any other day. I woke up, rolled over and kissed my wife, stumbled out of bed and kissed my still sleeping daughter.

Then I went out and had a nice breakfast of Red Bull and bacon (TAKE THAT, STUPID HEART!), and left for work.

The first few hours of work went as usual.

Idiot, witty comment, dragon.

Idiot, witty comment, dragon.

Idiot, witty comment, dragon.

Drink some Jack Daniel's.

Idiot, witty comment, dragon.

What can I say? It's a living.

Then, I got a call from a player stuck behind a table.

I wish I could say that didn't happen often.

Apparently, the citizens of Vana'diel have not mastered the art of walking around shit.

I warped to his position and was just about to send him to his homepoint when I checked his linkshell.


I'm not even kidding.

[GM]Dave>> Before I can help you...
[GM]Dave>> Can I ask about your linkshell name?
Player>> Oh... That...
Player>> That was just a joke.
[GM]Dave>> Oh. A joke.
[GM]Dave>> I get jokes.
[GM]Dave>> Want to hear one?
Player>> Uhhh... Sure?
[GM]Dave>> Knock, knock.
Player>> ... Who's there?


Area: Mordion Gaol.

Player>> Ooooooh crap.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Did you hear that one already?
Player>> Let me explain.
[GM]Dave>> If you thought that one was bad...
[GM]Dave>> The next one is gonna kill you.
Player>> It wasn't my idea.
Player>> Someone else named the linkshell.
[GM]Dave>> Really...
[GM]Dave>> Huh.
Player>> Am... Am I not in trouble any more?
[GM]Dave>> Hey.
[GM]Dave>> You can make good jokes.
Player>> Please.
Player>> It wasn't my idea.
Player>> It had to be one of the other guys.
[GM]Dave>> Let's find out, shall we?

A few key presses later and I have warped the entire linkshell to Mordion Gaol.

[GM]Dave>> Holy crap.
[GM]Dave>> There's like 95 people here.
Player>> 96 if you count me.

Jormungand hits Player for 11,099 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Holy crap.
[GM]Dave>> There's like 95 people here.

Do you know how hard it is to feed 95 people to a dragon one at a time?

Wait... Of course you don't.

It's hard.

Plus, I started to run out of witty comments.

Jormungand hits Player14 for 10,851 points of damage.
Player1 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> You're looking a little down.

Jormungand hits Player32 for 12,186 points of damage.
Player2 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> What's eating you?

Jormungand hits Player68 for 12,274 points of damage.
Player3 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I hope the pain doesn't drag... on.
[GM]Dave>> Get it?
[GM]Dave>> Drag on?
[GM]Dave>> No?

He didn't get it.

By the end, I was just too damned tired. I was running on fumes.

Jormungand hits Player94 for 11,036 points of damage.
Player94 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> You...
[GM]Dave>> You're stupid.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Dammit.

Finally, I was at number 95. It was just the two of us standing amongst the throng of human remains.

Just one... More... Button...

And I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.

It just wasn't funny anymore.

[GM]Dave>> You know what?
[GM]Dave>> Just get the hell out.
Player95>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I broke your pearl.
[GM]Dave>> Don't do it again.
Player95>> You're letting me go?
Player95>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, sure.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever.
Player95>> OH MY GOD!
Player95>> Thankyouthankyouthankyou!
[GM]Dave>> Don't mention it.
Player95>> Umm...
Player95>> How do I get out of here?

Jormungand hits Player95 for 15,276 points of damage.
Player95 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> ZING!

Now, that... That was pretty funny.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 2

When I first started using Jormy as my full-time enforcer, there was a period of... Adjustment.

Yeah, that's a good word for it.

I don't think there's a word that means "the state in which you don't have a friggin' clue what the hell you're doing".

See, a giant, purple dragon shouldn't need an instruction manual.

It's a giant, freakin' dragon.

I want it to eat people.

What's to figure out?

Unfortunately, it seems the localization team didn't foresee a GM using an in-game dragon for their own nefarious purposes.

Tsk, tsk.

So, instead of having an easily decoded menu of eat/not eat, I was stuck with several dialogues filled with Japanese.

As we've previously discussed, I am not fluent in squiggle.

From my brief experience studying the language, it is truly beautiful and has great subtlety and nuance.

This makes understanding a little difficult at my level.

Also, my study guides don't seem to cover "How to make a dragon eat a guy".

They really should.

Of course, I haven't learned the word hospital yet, either. I can say "Excuse me, would you like to go get a drink?", but I can't say "hospital".

These courses are severely lacking in the hospital and dragon-related necessities.

So, there I am with my awesome pet dragon, totally ready to feed countless morons to him, and I don't have a clue what any of the buttons actually mean.

This would turn out to be problematic.

Just like a woman, you have to be very careful what buttons you press.

Otherwise, you end up killing a dozen random Japanese people.


That made a lot more sense in my head.


There I was. I was just waiting for someone, anyone to make a GM call.

I had a plan.

[GM]Dave's Big Plan

Step 1) Find Idiot
Step 2) Warp him to Uleguerand Range
Step 3) Feed him to Jormy
Step 4) Laugh maniacally

Okay, so it wasn't a terribly complex plan.

Sue me.

Honestly, I didn't really care what the person did. I was hoping it would be someone who had done something to really deserve it, but I was too excited to be picky.

Anyone would do.


It's funny. When I don't want to get a GM call, the retards line up to send me messages.

When I actually want one... Nothing.

I hate people so much.


I decided the only way to keep myself from going crazy was to start crafting.


Oh, you sons of bitches.

GM Call Description: I am both tasty and wrapped in bacon.

Okay, that's not what he said, but it doesn't really matter, does it?

He be gettin' eaten.

I immediately warped to his location.

I mean immediately. I didn't even mash buttons that fast when I was camping Mysticmaker Profblix.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're having a digestion problem.
Player>> Uhh... No...
[GM]Dave>> Let's fix that, shall we?


Player>> What are you doing?
Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Dave>> You're taking part in an exciting new quest.
Player>> What do you mean?
Player>> What quest?
[GM]Dave>> It's called "The Final Journey."
Player>> That doesn't sound very good.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, you're smarter than you look.
[GM]Dave>> Of course, you'd pretty much have to be.
Player>> Listen...
Player>> Can I just go?
Player>> I'm sorry I made that call.
[GM]Dave>> Not as sorry as you're going to be.
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> I said "Yay! It's quest time!"
Player>> ...
Player>> You realize I can still see what you wrote, right?
Player>> It's still in the chat log.
[GM]Dave>> Honestly... I'm still a little surprised you can read.
Player>> Can I speak to your complaints manager?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, stop.
[GM]Dave>> You're killing me.

By this time, a number of players had gathered around.

What can I say? They love the shimmering armor.

I decided we'd had enough foreplay and it was time to get down to business. Vana'diel would be less one idiot and the gathering crowd would help spread my message.

So I opened up the Jormy dialogue and...


That's a lot of squiggles.


Player>> Are you still there?


One of these things must say "eat player".

So, I randomly selected a command and pressed enter.

That's when those beautiful words filled up my chatlog.

Jormungand hits players for 14,832 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

That'd be a great way to end the story.

Yeah... That's not exactly what happened.

Instead of

Jormungand hits players for 14,832 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

I saw

Player takes 14,832 points of damage.
Player1 takes 12,658 points of damage.
Player2 takes 14,374 points of damage.
Player3 takes 13,991 points of damage.
Player4 takes 15,020 points of damage.
Player5 takes 11,363 points of damage.
Player6 takes 12,682 points of damage.
Player7 takes 12,174 points of damage.
Player8 takes 14,302 points of damage.
Player9 takes 13,557 points of damage.
Player10 takes 12,712 points of damage.
Player11 takes 13,920 points of damage.
Player12 takes 14,352 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player1 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player2 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player3 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player4 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player5 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player6 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player7 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player8 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player9 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player10 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player11 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player12 was defeated by Jormungand.

And that's the story of the first time I ever fed an idiot to Jormy.

It's also the story about why I have a post it note on my monitor with some squiggles and the word "SPIKE FLAIL!" on it.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 1

One of the questions I get asked most frequently by readers is why I started using Jormy.

I don't know if you've ever met a GM before, but we are very intimidating.

Maybe it's the giant sword.

Maybe it's the shimmering armor.

Maybe it's the barely repressed hate.

So much hate.

We are very scary. Our presence alone is enough to inspire fear.

It's not at all unusual for a player to wet themselves upon meeting a GM for the first time.

So, many readers wonder why I would even bother employing Jormy.

If we are already so intimidating, why would I feel the need to bring out a giant dragon to do the dirty work?

Yes, I could ban a player at any time for any reason.

But where's the sport in that?

When I'm banning someone, I'm literally destroying months or even years of their life. I'm wiping out hours upon hours of hard, grueling work.

The least I can do is give them a little showmanship.

You know, a little razzle dazzle.

And what says razzle dazzle more than a giant purple dragon?

Isn't that freaking frightening?

I mean look at that.

That's some scary shit right there.

Let me give you a little perspective.

That's a big, freaking dragon.

GMs are without a doubt the most frightening people you will meet in game, but, when it comes down to it, we are still people.

Cruel, hurtful, angry people, but still people.

Most players are scared when they see a GM. They know they did something wrong and they know they have to pay for it.

Unfortunately, that fear is often too short lived. Once they get over that initial burst of terror, they start to think that you're just a person. They start to think that maybe they can explain their way out of trouble.

They start to have hope.

I hate that.

Think about it like getting pulled over by a cop. At first, you're pretty scared, but then your brain tells you that you can explain your way out of this.

Your brain is stupid.

Now, at this point, the cop could just shoot you in the face.

On an unrelated note, I failed the police academy exam.

Damned trick questions.

But he won't. Instead of shooting you, he'll take you to jail and introduce you to your new cell mate.

And that's when hope dies.

See, the cop was a person. The wall of flesh standing in front of you calling you "fresh meat" and licking his lips isn't a person.

That's what Jormy is for.

A player might still have hope when they talk to me. They might have the very mistaken impression that they can play on my emotions.

They don't think that when they see a giant dragon standing over them.

Jormy is the cellmate from hell.

I'm sure if they stopped for a minute, they'd realize he's just a collection of pixels, a hulking mass of polygons.

But they don't.

Their little minds are too busy imagining the inevitable raping of their character.

You wouldn't think someone could be afraid of a digital dragon.

You'd be wrong.

One of the interesting things about MMORPGs is that you actually form a connection with your character. You feel like they are an extension of you, a part of you.

Now, imagine that part of you was about to be raped by a giant, purple dragon.

You're sweating a little bit, aren't you?

Jormungand is more than just a pet to me.

Jormungand kills hope.

And that makes me laugh.

Friday, September 05, 2008

I Just Don't Get It

Can someone please explain these retarded WoW commercials to me?

Who the hell are these commercials supposed to appeal to?

They obviously can't be designed for people who already play WoW. If someone is already paying money for your product, you don't spend that money making them feel good about that decision.

That would be retarded.

You certainly wouldn't put commercials on television.

What the hell are WoW players doing watching television?

Seems someone needs to take lessons on how to nurture  an over-powering addiction.

Do you know what it means if an FFXI player is watching television?


Okay, so we've established that these commercials can't be designed for people who already play WoW.

This must mean they are designed to attract new players.

That's a great idea. Bringing in new players will enable your game to grow and thrive.

Do you know the best way to do that?

Apparently, it involves a bunch of d-list celebrities who no one even cares about any more.

Verne Troyer?

Verne f--king Troyer?

When was the last time Verne Troyer was socially relevent?

The mind boggles.

Okay, so maybe Verne Troyer wasn't the best decision. This guy hasn't been cool since the first Austin Powers movie.

Who else did they choose?

William Shatner.

Jean Claude Van Damme.

Mr. T.

I wish I was freaking kidding.

This is like a list of people who greet you when you get to hell.

How did anyone working on this ad campaign think that these guys would make people want to play WoW?

Maybe next time you're searching for celebrity spokesmen, you shouldn't sort the list by price.

This is the best they could get?

I guess M.C. Hammer was busy that day.

Assuming they actually did casting for this, who the hell did they say no to?

Hi. I'm a serial rapist and I play a Tauren Hunter.

I don't know what's worse: the fact that I thought of that or the fact that I still think that'd be a better choice than Verne Troyer.

Have you ever seen an FFXI commercial?

They're like MMORPG porn.

See our commercials do this crazy thing where they show only gameplay and videos.

That's just insane.

I suppose we could have contacted Carrot Top or something, but the people upstairs decided we should let our game speak for itself.

Yes, I'm sure we're all impressed that Mr. T plays WoW.

The only thing that impresses me about that is that he even knows how to use a computer.

Honestly, if you're taking advice from any one of these "celebrities", I think it's time for you to just kill yourself.

You're obviously not contributing much to society.

Verne f--king Troyer.

What the hell?

Theme Week Update

Before anyone starts wondering about the theme week promised to the donator of the month, I've been in contact with the lucky reader and he's given me his choice for a theme.

I think he's about to be very popular.

He chose Jormy.

So, starting Sunday, I am going to do seven straight days of posts about Jormy.

This should be fun.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Riddle Me This...

Okay, I'm going to blow your mind here for a minute. I'd advise you to sit down or something because your entire head is about to crack wide open.

Are you ready?

Why don't we have a Batman yet?

I want you to really think about this.

This has been bothering me for days.

I'm not asking a stupid question. I didn't just say "Why don't we have a Superman yet?" or something stupid like that.

Superman is an alien from another planet.

That doesn't make any sense.

The immigration papers alone...

But Batman doesn't have any special powers. He's not an alien or a mutant or anything.

He's just a rich guy with issues and too much time on his hands.

Don't we have a whole freakin' bunch of those running around?

Seriously, you can't even turn on the television anymore without seeing some rich retard serving no actual purpose.

Why hasn't one of these guys manned up and gone Batman?

Is it the whole parents killed in front of you thing?

We could totally fix that.

Hell, it should be a government program. If your parents are rich, the government shoots them in front of you and then you fight crime.

Why is the government wasting money on stupid things like education when they could be focusing on the face shooting initiative?

That's a plan we can all get behind.

It'll be like gun control only with more face shooting.

All of those spoiled, rich bastards serving no purpose in our society...

Is it so much to ask that one of these useless excuses for people get their act together and do something important?

We already have douchebags.

We have a freakin' ton of those guys already.

What we need is Batman.

You're already spending five hours a day in the gym so you can make other people feel bad about themselves.

Why not throw in some kung fu lessons and a utility belt?

Why am I the first person to think of this?

I mean, we haven't even seen someone take a shot at it. We haven't seen one person try out the whole vigilante superhero gig.

That moron who climbs buildings doesn't count.

Spiderman, my ass.

No one has ever tried to be Batman.

Does that make any sense?

There's a woman who pretends to be Kim Kardashian and charges people money to go to parties.

How the hell do we have two Kim Kardashian's and no Batman?

There's something wrong with our society.

You'd think that someone, anyone would have at least tried. You'd think some poor bastard would WANT to be Batman.

I want to be Batman.

You want to be Batman.

Oh, shut up. You know you want to be Batman.

So, why don't we have a Batman?

I'd do it myself, but I don't have the unlimited resources or free time.

Or motivation.

I'm pretty sure no one has shot my mom in the face.

I'm pretty sure.

I should probably call her.

There is no good damned reason why we don't have a Batman yet.

There isn't.

They let Val Kilmer be Batman for a while.

How hard could it be?

It's not like it would be a terribly difficult job or anything.

We don't have actual supervillains. There's no Joker running around planning overly complex crimes.

Sure, we've got lots of really bad people.

That's what the kung fu's for.

You see a bad guy, you kung fu him in the face.

Problem solved.

And think of all the perks that come with the job:

- really cool car
- awesome underground lair
- lots of amazing gadgets
- butler

With only one major drawback:

- your mom gets shot in the face

That's not a bad deal.

You can bury her next to the lair.

Seriously. One of you people put down your Starbucks and get to f--king work.

Congratulations. You're Batman.

Your parents will be so proud of you.

Maybe you should call them.


Monday, September 01, 2008

The Pandemonium Saga Concluded

Alternate Title: "Excuse me, waiter... There's a challenge in my game."

So, we ended up returning the linkshell's key and letting them take on Pandemonium Warden.

They were happy.

Unfortunately, I've come to notice that happiness is often short lived.

See, a ways back we created a boss named Absolute Virtue. This guy was an epic ass kicker and player's still haven't figured out how to fight him properly.

It's all in the video, guys.

Still, as AV grew a little stale, the devs came up with a newer, more challenging boss.

Hello, Pandemonium Warden.

This guy makes Absolute Virtue look like a four year old girl.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with four year old girls. I'm sure they're very tough.

But if 18 people jumped a four year old girl with swords and magic and shit, that girl is going down.

Pandemonium Warden was designed as a real challenge. In order to defeat him, players would have to carefully devise the proper strategy and not just wail away on him like other monsters in the game.

Do you know what players hate?

A real challenge.

Now, if you ask a player if they like a challenge, they will tell you yes. They will tell you they enjoy a good challenge.

They are lying.

Players like things that are slightly harder than easy. They like being able to win.


Sure, we can make it seem difficult. We can make it take slightly longer or maybe have slightly more complex requirements.

But only slightly.

When you actually face them with a real challenge, a true challenge, they get upset.

The first time an organized group tried to really take on Pandemonium Warden, it took them over 18 hours.

No, that is not a typo.

18 hours.

And they didn't even win.

They actually had to stop trying because people were getting physically ill and passing out.

Now, that... That's a challenge.

Yeah, Battletoads was a hard freakin' game. It was really, really hard.

But it never actually kicked your ass.


That's progress, people. We actually have game bosses that beat the shit out of you for real.

Force feedback is so yesterday.

I will grant you... 18 hours is excessive for any boss battle. Expecting a group of people to coordinate and maintain a continuous play strategy and group dynamic for that long is insane.

Here's where an interesting question should be popping up.

What if they were wrong?

I'm sure they had this plan well thought out. They brought Black Mages and refreshers. They brought tanks.

They brought the guys with the pointy things.

But that shit is entirely pointless if that's not how you defeat that boss.

Imagine a level 75 casting fire on an extremely low level fire elemental.

That would be a long damned fight, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah. He's casting magic.

Magic makes things go boom.

That'll totally work.

And yet... The damned elemental isn't going to die.

See, fire elementals aren't hurt when you cast fire.

They're made of fire.

Yes, you had a strategy.

That strategy was retarded.

You can obviously see why. You're casting fire on a fire elemental.

It's obvious that your strategy was flawed.

Here's the interesting thing, though... Just because it's not obvious, doesn't mean your plan isn't flawed.

After 18 hours, you'd assume someone would have said "You know, guys... Maybe we're doing this wrong."


Instead, this became a huge source of news because SE designed a boss that takes more than 18 hours to defeat.

And now, because of that feedback, they're going to lower the difficulty of Pandemonium Warden.

Dumb him down if you will.

But what does that really prove? Will you still be proud when you beat him?

Sure, you might get some shiny new piece of equipment.

But can you really say you met the challenge?

Remember when you were a kid and you'd play a game with your Dad? Remember how he'd let you win because he loved you or didn't want to listen to you whine or something?

Does that make you feel proud that you won?

Hey... Maybe we should invent an olympics where everybody gets a medal!

I'll give you some time to get that joke.