Monday, April 19, 2010

My Daughter Wrote This

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No, I am not spending all of my time playing the Beta for an awesome new video game.

No, this game is not the most awesome thing in the entire universe, so much so that I am seriously thinking about giving up sleep entirely just so I don't have to miss anything.

No, I have not given up playing other games or even showering or the most basic of body maintenance.

No, I do not have an epic Beta Beard.

I have no idea where you could have gotten these ideas you silly, silly people.

I've been... Busy.

Very, very busy.

With... Stuff.

If I hadn't been so busy playing, I'd probably have come up with a better story. As it is, I'm working from some jot notes scrawled on a used KFC napkin.

The notes read:



Yeah, I'm loving this game so much that I can't even form coherent thoughts.

Or lies.

That's how you know a game is good. Forgetting about your school or work or those other people who live in your house and call you Dad or Husband or Hey, I'm Talking To You or If You Don't Listen, I'm leaving You... That's just normal gaming.

No, if a game is so good that you can't even construct adequate lies, then you know it's good.

But I'm not allowed to talk about it. I can't even tell you the name of the Final Fantasy XIV I'm playing.

I'll give you a minute to crack that code, Robert Langdon.

Now, if I can only give up my body's pathetic needs for food and oxygen, I can devote my entire being to playing.

Kind of like Lawnmower Man, but not a terrible movie.

Can we get science on this already? What the hell are we paying you guys for anyway?

Oh, oh. You cloned a sheep. You made a sheep that looks like another sheep.


Let's get on this virtual reality shit already. We've been talking about this for a bajillion years now. I think it's time we made some progress on it already.

Man, why the hell do I have to do everything?

Friday, April 09, 2010

Where were we?

Oh, yeah... Private servers and Wow and shit.


Let's start with the whole private server thing. Pretty much since I started the blog, people have been sending me e-mails about the dreaded private servers.

Well, that and asking for nude pics of Susan.

Also, spam for male enhancement and watches.

My inbox is a comedy cavalcade, people.

I never really put a lot of time into the whole private server thing. It's just one of those things that we all know about, but nobody really cares about.

The basic premise is that you get to play a game for free on a server run by a private individual. This system has certain pros:

a) it's free

b) it doesn't cost anything

c) what else do you need, you cheap bastard?

d) did I mention it's free?

e) oh, they might make the game easier or give you free armor or something

That's about it. Seems really great, right?


Not so much.

I mean, I was totally on board with the whole playing a game that costs money for free thing. I like free. I enjoy free. It really seemed like a great idea.

Unfortunately, private servers are an idea that seem great in theory.

Like communism.

Or women's rights.

Oh, I'm going to get some e-mails for that one. My inbox is going to be even funnier than usual.

See, private servers are run by an individual with no vested interest in providing you a service. They are doing it simply for the joy of helping others.

... You can imagine how well that might work.

Let me explain this to you. I would not want to live in a town with a volunteer fire department. I would not want to be trapped inside my house, flames engulfing everything I own, with a bunch of people outside who aren't getting paid.

Fireman1>> Okay, guys. We're going in!
Fireman2>> Umm... Really?
Fireman2>> We're going in there?
Fireman1>> Of course we are.
Fireman2>> Are you crazy?
Fireman2>> That place is on fire!
Fireman1>> People are trapped in there.
Fireman2>> Yeah... See, I thought we could stay out here.
Fireman2>> Kind of see how the situation unfolds.
Fireman1>> How it unfolds?!
Fireman1>> It's going to unfold with that family burning to death.
Fireman2>> True... True.
Fireman2>> That could happen.
Fireman2>> Or... OR it could go out on its own.
Fireman1>> It's not going to go out on its own!
Fireman1>> We need to help them!
Fireman2>> Yeah...
Fireman2>> I've kind of got this Softball game tomorrow...
Fireman1>> What the hell is the matter with you?
Fireman3>> Hey, guys.
Fireman3>> What's going on?
Fireman1>> We have to get in there!
Fireman3>> Are you crazy?
Fireman3>> That place is on fire!

I'm sure they're nice guys. I'm sure they WANT to help. But when I'm minutes away from burning to death, I want to know that the people in charge of saving my ass are being well paid.

With a private server, those same people in charge of saving your ass have the very real option of not giving a shit.

That's bad.

As much as I talk about terrorizing the general populace of Vana'diel, I do occasionally help people. And the people all around me every day, freaking love helping players. They earn their paycheck.


If we weren't getting paid, I really don't think we'd all get together every day and just help people out of the goodness of our hearts.

Now, don't get me wrong. Most of the guys running private servers are cool. They're providing a great service to people who don't actually want to pay for the official service.

But this is a server they are running as a hobby. Running someone else's game as a hobby.

Shit is bound to go wrong.

Here's your average experience on a private server:

Log in.
Select character.
Okay, you're in the world.
Talk to an NPC.
Half of the NPCs don't work.
Umm... Start a quest.
Most of the quests are bugged.
Join a party/raid/whatever.
There are three tanks on the whole server and they're all busy.
Oh, we got a tank. Now, we just...
Shit, the healer had to go.
Only two of those on the server.
Alright. Got a healer.
Start your event/dungeon/instance/whatever.
Bosses aren't properly scripted.
Find a boss that isn't bugged and kill it.
Get great drop.
Server crashes.
Oops, your item is gone.
Throw computer out window.

I'm not kidding. This happens multiple times a day on private servers.

This may or may not sound like fun to you. Then again, some people like having people beat the crap out of them.

Whatever floats your boat.

My personal boat enjoys a server where shit like that is INCREDIBLY rare. And, assuming something like that ever did happen, someone would go out of their way to help you.

Or you might get me. That would be less than optimal.

I get that private servers are free. Trust me when I tell you that I get that part. I am quite possibly the cheapest man on the planet.

If Susan needed a special medicine to survive, I'd probably ask if it came in a generic brand.

Oh c'mon. Love is priceless, but saving three dollars is a big deal.

I also get the whole 10x rate, high drop rate, armor vendor thing. They're making the game easier and, in turn, more fun.

More fun assuming you enjoy less challenge.

Will the WoW fans please stop nodding?


While I understand these things, I still don't get why someone would choose an amateur service over the official one. You are choosing a substandard product with substandard service just to save a little money.

This isn't medicine. This is a video game.

Where are your freaking priorities?

Sunday, April 04, 2010


Some people have suggested that my last post was an intricate April Fool's joke, that this was some sort of prank I was pulling on you.



Does that even seem like something that falls into the realm of April Fool's pranks?

An April Fool's prank is tricking someone into thinking they're late for work. Or pretending you've hurt yourself and laughing at their panic.

You do NOT invent a pregnancy for April Fool's.

Admittedly, March 31st was probably not the smartest time to make such an announcement. Pretty much anything I said would be assumed to be an April Fool's joke.

That, however, does not make it any less true.

Susan is pregnant.

I am at least partly to blame.

See, we were both there at the time, but this was not the intended outcome. Unfortunately, my power extends to reproduction.

Frankly, I was hoping for a few practice swings at the time. You know, something to do between Mysticmaker spawns.

Instead, I have created life.

People have suggested that I am a god. I don't want to encourage that kind of thinking, but I will point out that it didn't take me seven days to do it.

48 hours tops.


I'm a firm believer that if you're going to do something, you should do it right.

That shit takes time.

And Gatorade.

A freaking lot of Gatorade.