Thursday, July 20, 2006

Dear Lord, SHUT UP!

Why do people anger me so?

I want everyone to do me a favor. Repeat the following sentence:

"I don't own anything in the game."

Say it again.

And again.

Now, keep saying it until it becomes ingrained in your brain.

If you're having trouble, you may want to warm up a bit by trying to put something else in your brain.

Like a bullet.

You don't own a monster.

You don't.

You don't own a camp site.

You don't.

You sure as hell don't own any treasure chests or coffers.

You don't, you don't, you don't.

Yes, I know.

You really need that treasure chest. You really need that coffer.

I'm sure it has your insulin in it.

Still not yours.

You can't call it. You can't shout dibs.

There will be no shotgunning the treasure chests.

If you get there first, you get to open it.

If you get there second, you get to shut the hell up.

I am so sick and Goddamned tired of people calling me to complain about someone stealing their chest.

This afternoon, I had had enough. I snapped.

Can you blame me?

I was already having a bad day. I had crit failed a major synth and lost some very expensive materials.

My bottle of Jack Daniel's had also run dry.

Not good.

And then, I got the GM call.

GM Call Description: Please help. Player stole my treasure chest.

My treasure chest.

MY treasure chest.

Hold on a second... Let me chesk something...


You're not listed in the credits.

I must point out this oversight.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Mr. Chest is it?
Player>> No.
Player>> That's not my name.
[GM]Dave>> Your name isn't "Treasure Chest"?
Player>> lol
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> So your name wasn't on the chest.
[GM]Dave>> Glad we could clear that up.
Player>> No, but I told that guy that I wanted the chest.
Player>> I needed it for my RSE.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> And he opened it anyway.
[GM]Dave>> A player opened a treasure chest?
[GM]Dave>> Let me call Ripley's.
Player>> But he didn't even need the chest.
Player>> He just took it because it was there.
[GM]Dave>> He's allowed to do that.
Player>> But he didn't need it.
Player>> I need it.
Player>> He shouldn't have taken it.
[GM]Dave>> We need to make a small clarification.
[GM]Dave>> You didn't need the chest.
Player>> Yes, I did.
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted the chest.
[GM]Dave>> You did not need it.
Player>> You don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, I do.
[GM]Dave>> You wanted the chest and someone opened it.
[GM]Dave>> And you're crying like an eight-year-old girl.
[GM]Dave>> Did I miss something?
Player>> But I really need to get that item.
[GM]Dave>> Will you die if you don't get it?
Player>> No.
Player>> Of course not.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
Player>> That guy should be punished for taking the chest.
[GM]Dave>> For taking the chest?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> The free, unopened treasure chest?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> I have to ask...
[GM]Dave>> Is your brain AFK right now?
Player>> You GMs are totally useless.
Player>> You never do anything.

And there it is.

If there's a button you don't want to push, it's that one.

[GM]Dave>> Well, gee, Mr. Player sir.
[GM]Dave>> What if I gave you a free chest to open?
Player>> You can do that?
[GM]Dave>> Sure.
Player>> Well, that sounds okay.
[GM]Dave>> I thought it would.


[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> Ready for anything.
[GM]Dave>> Let's hope so.
Player>> What?


Player>> Wait...
Player>> Where are we?
[GM]Dave>> I couldn't just make a new chest appear.
[GM]Dave>> Someone might have taken it again.
[GM]Dave>> So I made it spawn in Mordion Gaol.
Player>> Good thinking.
[GM]Dave>> Go ahead and open it.
Player>> Okay.

Player Obtains Dragon Bait.

Player>> Huh?
Player>> What's this for?

Jormungand hits Player for 13,988 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Whoops.
[GM]Dave>> He says that was his chest.
[GM]Dave>> You probably shouldn't have taken it.

I've tried.

I really have.

Do you think I like hating people? I don't.

I've tried really, really hard not to despise the players.

It's very hard, but I've tried.

Unfortunately, everytime I start to make some progress someone has to do something that makes me dislike the entire human race.

Not just the players. I mean every person on the planet.

I slapped a kid in the face yesterday because you undercut at the AH.

That's totally your fault.


At 7:37 PM, Blogger Dragon said...

I'm starting to wonder, where do these people come from? really.

Good Work as always [GM]Dave.

At 7:46 PM, Blogger ColdhartedRagnarok said...

rawr jormy

At 8:09 PM, Blogger the Ostentatious Elvaans said...

Good work [GM]Dave. I left the game yesterday, mainly to do with the fact the game drives you crazy after a while (thinking about FFXI 99% of my waking and sleeping time = lame).. Also had to do with the fact there are so many stupid players that I feel ashamed to be part of the same 'scene'.

I will keep reading your blogs though, definitely one of the best reads anyone is likely to find.

Keep on feeding. I wish I had a chance to see a Dragon in game, but spamming the [GM] Button is disrespectful to you, I would rather let you get drunk+1 then having to warp me to death just for a favour. I know you don't do favours :)

At 8:27 PM, Blogger creature124 said...

he wouldnt leave it at a simple death. if you read back some, there have been people who have called just to meet him.

If i remember correctly they got the deluxe package :P

At 8:37 PM, Blogger GM>Nightmare said...

Player obtains tour of dragon digestive system.

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Razmo said...

LoL!!!! One of the best in awhile.


At 9:23 PM, Blogger Lishje said...

Really funny, considering that during RSE week, the chests respawn almost instantly after they've been opened. hahahahah

At 9:56 PM, Blogger Xen_the_monk said...

lets put our heads down, in praise

Thank you, lord, for [GM]Dave, and dragons

without whom, we could not get rid of idiots/gilsellers/elitists.

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

The last few lines really got me. Good stuff, classic even

At 11:23 PM, Blogger redkinoko said...

Maybe if they had adoption papers...

At 11:40 PM, Blogger Artos said...

"I slapped a kid in the face yesterday because you undercut at the AH.

That's totally your fault."

I'm sorry.

At 11:57 PM, Blogger jdeandrew said...

This is great stuff. I can't tell you how often I have gotten a chest/coffer and had someone try to sell me this same story. Sadly for them, I often had an equal or better reason than them, but still. Some people just have to put up a fuss.

Anyhow, this blog is awsome. I stumbles on it about 2-weeks ago and I have already caught myself up on all of it. Yay for slow business days lol

At 11:57 PM, Blogger jdeandrew said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:56 AM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Does anyone post other than to lick your ass? Seems strange that in one blog you bitch about it not being his chest then you bitch about undercutters. Guess what genius, its a free economy, which means people can do as they please and sell at whatever price they want, don't like it? Go feed yourself to that pathetic Wyrm you have.

At 1:38 AM, Blogger Lyndiskyria said...

message for whywontyoujustshutup:
You're free to leave if [GM]Dave's humour isn't your cup of tea, while those of us who do like it are free to post whatever comments we feel like posting. Unfortunately for me, and the rest of us, you are entitled to your opinions and the expression of said opinions. That leaves me with just one thought: Haven't you been taught that if you have nothing nice to say, then it is best to just shut up?

On another note, well done, another one bites the dust...if only for the moment.

At 2:06 AM, Blogger Ninboy said...

Lyndiskyria wrote,
Haven't you been taught that if you have nothing nice to say, then it is best to just shut up?

lol. havent you ever read a single post by GMdave? most the stuff he says isnt nice, and i really dont want him to shut up cause he is funny sometimes.

At 2:38 AM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

I never said he wasn't my cup of tea, I was asking if people only post here to lick his ass. It's a valid point like it or not, if you don't suck it up and deal with it in your own way.

The rest of my post was in relation to the fact that he is a hypocrite. If you wish to tag that as negative then thats your call, to me its merely an observation.

I'm getting the distinct feeling you're a 'the glass is half empty' kinda guy.

At 5:33 AM, Blogger Texgnome1 said...

So glad to see the dragon feedings have resumed at regular intervals {read: constantly}. Thanks Dave.

At 5:40 AM, Blogger paduse said...

Is that the first time you've used dragon bait? Nice touch.

At 6:19 AM, Blogger GM>Nightmare said...

[To whywontyoujustshutup]

I'll go ahead and be the first to admit it.. ya i'm a hypocrite. i will punish a player for being "unfair" to other players.. but then again i'll be "unfair" to all the rest because there ain't a damn thing they can do about it, and it makes me smile to watch them fly into a whiny tantrum when the GM they called to bitch to.. eats that weapon they idolize so damn much, right in front of their eyes. Then of coarse put a bounty the size of texas on their head, because i'm just too lazy to kill them repeatedly myself, better to let the players do it for me.

At 6:31 AM, Blogger Baron Harkonnen said...


Nice one with the Dragon Bait, it's those little things in life that can make feeding idiots to dragons so much fun.

Well, more fun than usual.

Next time someone complains about this, you should change Jormy's avatar to a treasure chest and just let them try to open it.

At 6:59 AM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Getting a wonderful image of the type of person who reads this stuff... I'm seeing a Golden M appearing on their chest and I'm watching people asking them for 'Large Fries'.

Oh and GM>Nightmare, I doubt very much any large software developing firm or anyone linked with one would employ someone as illiterate as you -

'Then of coarse put a bounty the size of texas on their head'

It's spelt 'course', and Texas has a capital T and I could go on but you seem like you might wet your pants with anguish.

At 7:15 AM, Blogger Layna said...

Good work GM Dave. You always brighten my mornings! /standing ovation

At 7:17 AM, Blogger Valle said...

[To whywontyoujustshutup]

Well welll well, what do we have here? You're asking if people only post here to lick Dave's ass, and then claim that it's a valid point. Right. I don't think you'd notice a valid point if it started ramming your ass with a baseball bat, but that's probably because you're an asshole of such immense proportions that it would be kinda like waving a small stick in the Royal Albert Hall.

The only valid point you have here, is your own posting name in relation to yourself. Guess what genius, you don't even get that point. To me, this is merely an observation.

I get the distinct feeling you're a "my head is horribly bloated and I need to post shit on the internet to feel good about myself" kinda guy.

At 8:13 AM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Wait, wait, is this guys asking why we post comments that say we enjoy this blog...on the blogs comment system? What else would I put here? Hold on, let me find something...

OMG! "The federal grand jury considering possible perjury and tax-evasion charges against the star slugger expired Thursday without an indictment!"

Oh yeah, this space is TOTALLY meant for shit like this.

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Amelauine said...

[To Valle]

Very well said indeed! I enjoyed your comment almost as much as I enjoyed todays post.

[GM]Dave keep up the good work!

At 8:45 AM, Blogger Blue said...

Ooo..Drama! *grabs a bag of popcorn*

At 9:23 AM, Blogger zerombr said...

Dragon Bait, OH that's a classic idea wrapped in bacon! Hilarious

At 9:26 AM, Blogger ColdhartedRagnarok said...

To whywonyyoushutup:

If you think Dave is real,then I believe you are the one with the mental problem. Funny? Hell yeah! Real? No.

It's a fact.

At 9:52 AM, Blogger Crimson said...

Definitions of spelt on the Web:

* hardy wheat grown mostly in Europe for livestock feed

* Spelt (Triticum spelta) is a sub-species of common wheat.

* A form of wheat that suited the damp climate of Britain

* A cereal grain with a nutty flavour, and can be used by people with wheat allergies.

* A type of wheat grain similar to farro.

* is an Ancient Red Wheat. It's among the original grains know to man and has been around Europe for over 9,000 years. Can be substituted for wheat in all your recipes.

* This is another ancient grain which has recently been revived. It is possible to make a loaf of bread using no other flour other than spelt flour but it is very difficult to time in bread machines. I would recommend using no more than 1/3 cup to displace an equal amount out of every cup of flour.

* An ancient wheat variety, native to Southern Europe. It can be used in equal quantities to replace wheat flour in recipes.

So, whydontyoujustshutup, why are you talking about wheat?

At 10:04 AM, Blogger Resonator said...

[GM]Dave, love your blog, it's always good for a laugh.

A small suggestion for dealing with people who "own" treasure chests in the future:

Drop the player into jail with about a hundred of those Mimic treasure chests from Pso'Xja...

I'm pretty sure hilarity will ensue!

At 10:09 AM, Blogger WandererTheHero said...

"WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Does anyone post other than to lick your ass? Seems strange that in one blog you bitch about it not being his chest then you bitch about undercutters. Guess what genius, its a free economy, which means people can do as they please and sell at whatever price they want, don't like it? Go feed yourself to that pathetic Wyrm you have. "

I dont know about you, but the line about undercutting was obviously just a joke, he was not "bitching" about it. Also, everything I have seen in his blog supports the fact that it is a free economy. Maybe you should think twice before calling someone like GM Dave, who has a great sense of humor, an idiot, and instead examine yourself. Lastly, it is hardly "licking ass" to tell someone that you thought a particular literary work was humorous. To do so is to tell your opinion and sucking up to someone over the internet would gain you absolutely nothing. So if you don't like his blog, deal with it. Complaining about it here will not accomplish anything, other than garnering the dislike and disrespect of other readers.

At 10:42 AM, Blogger GM>Nightmare said...

As i have mentioned before in another comment section in this very blog, I DO NOT WORK FOR ORIGIN!, i am NOT a paid staff member of any company, i worked as GM for FREE as a favor to my close friend who ran an emulated server of UO, which by the way were more popular that the company-run servers, had more variety, and a more close knit and friendly player following. If you had teken the time to actually read this blog and its comments instead of trying to suck yourself off you would know that already.

At 10:45 AM, Blogger GM>Nightmare said...

and we are not "licking ass" by saying we enjoy Dave's storys and exploits.

Its not like i want to have GM>Dave's babies.

and i love spelt.. its verry tasty when baked with honey.

At 11:08 AM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

WOW! Look at you all go! hahaha

Didn't know a group of retards was so easy to stir up.

Someone came in and blasted your favourite little blog and its like WW3... hahaha jesus, get out some more

At 11:26 AM, Blogger Blue said...

WhyWontYouJustShutUp - "It's spelt 'course',"

Oh the irony!

PS. I like licking GMDave's ass...tastes like candy.

At 11:41 AM, Blogger Texgnome1 said...

*sigh* When will people learn - feeding the trolls is what they want. They're mommies don't give them enough attention. So they go on the web to get it. By any means necessary.

At 12:15 PM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Ain't you the genius... where you get your psychology qualifications? A cornflake packet? Or you watch good will hunting and figure you where 'smart'.

At 12:23 PM, Blogger Valle said...

[to whywontyouetcetc]

Your first post was almost funny. It's been going downhill since then, and you're currently somewhere below sea level on the joke-o-meter. Please, stop, you're only embarrassing yourself further by posting more inane stupidity.

At 1:15 PM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Poor deluded Valle, you've mistaken me for someone who cares.

At 1:28 PM, Blogger clayton said...

too funny

At 2:09 PM, Blogger Andy Arthias said...

First and foremost I have to say that you have one of the most amusing blogs that I have read and I congratulate you on it.

A wonderful entry yet again!

However, in relation to the bickering going on in this comment spot - a comment spot isn't meant for arguments and quite frankly I find it pathetic that people would respond to a troll.

Perhaps if people ignored said troll, he would shut up sooner and realise that no one really cares what he thinks?

At 2:17 PM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

What kind of a sexist pig are you? Don't dare assume I'm a male, though it does proove you couldn't spot a woman from a mile away.

Secondly it WAS amusing, its just dull now, you think I'm getting repetitive? Ha, check the blog out.

Comment spot is made for comments! Which is what I am doing.... go read a dictionary.

At 2:26 PM, Blogger tia said...

trolls are funny, they think themselves brilliant and see those around them as dullards. and yet, it's almost certanly the opposite.
mr.troll sir, if we're so stupid, why do you beg for out attention so?

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Andy Arthias said...

Comments in relation to the blog, not in relation to a fight that you started because you felt the need to insult someone.

You gave me no reason to assume that you were either male or female, I simply say "he" as most people tend to do such a thing in the English language.

If you feel the need to fight with anyone and to pick holes in everyone's comments then you honestly have no life. I did nothing to provoke you and you assume I did - I pity you, I really do.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger Reeree said...


Thanks for the Scorpion Harness +1 I bought from you at the AH for 1 gil. I feel like I overpaid, but since you probably spent 250 gil to put it on auction, I appreciate your generocity.

I can't wear it, but I can probably sell it for millions.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Beg for you attention? I just post, you feel the need to reply, if it makes you feel important then please feel free to do so.

Wow, just really, you are all taking this to heart aren't you? Would you take a bullet for Dave here? I'm guessing you would such is the state of your lifes that you take posts by a 'troll' so personally and to heart.

At 4:26 PM, Blogger Darktower said...

Long time reader, first time poster. I swear you never fail to make me laugh! Keep up the good work!

At 4:27 PM, Blogger Reeree said...

Some day, I hope to be as famous as [GM]Dave, because then Walmart and McDonalds would go out of business as all the retards abandoned their regular tard duties to come orbit around us making those rubber-ducky squeek tard noises.

It'd be like a day at the carnival, because my boss is leveling up bonecrafting making guns. I bet I could win the giant Mandragora plushie.

But it's not like winning is important.

Reloading, that's what's important. And wearing a raincoat.

At 5:23 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...


Umm... If you're someone that doesn't care... Then why do you feel the need to post responses to everyone's comment? If you truly didn't care, you would have posted your first comment, you'd have stated your opinion and made your "valid point," and then you would have not returned to makes us all suffer through your rude comments, your wannabe insults, and simply let the rest of us enjoy reading an amusing blog.

:-) Thank you. Have a nice day.

At 6:07 PM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Ship - posting does not mean I care, just because one does something does not mean they care.

Not quite sure how you came to that little calculation there.

'suffer through your rude comments, your wannabe insults'

Rude comments? Like the contents of this blog are polite? I think not. Wannabe insults is kinda funny cos thats a wannabe insult in itself isn't it? Also if you're suffering then its obviously insulted you.

I rest my case and I'm starting to see what Dave is going on about. You lot really are quite a pathetic bunch but as usual think you're all above it all. You claim I point the finger but you judge more than I have. Finally... something that made me laugh

At 8:17 PM, Blogger Drescher the Great said...

This message is to Whydontyoujustshutup, and any other person with the urge to post something stupid, like "You suck", or "This is fake, you losers", or something along those lines.

First, no one is holding a gun to your head and telling you to read the blog. No one is threatening you to read, or comment on it.

Second, if you don't like it, that's your business. If you think it's fake, do you think we care?

Third, we're not "Kissing his ass". The people who respond are usually posting thanks and showing that they're his fans, and they find his stories to be hilarious. Every single one of these stories makes me laugh, no matter how many times I read them.

Fourth, if you don't care, don't bother posting.

At 1:49 AM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Firstly - Never said anyone was

Secondly - You all seem to respond as though you care - seems to be the general opinion that posting = care. I however already stated that isn't the case. So I think you do care, you as much stated you did.

Thirdly - If they all make you laugh every time then frankly there really is something wrong in your head. Some are good, some a just plain boring. If you can't admit that then you a delusional, I doubt Dave think's they are all great so why not try being objective?

Forth - What is it with you people and joining care and posting together. I can post just because I want to. It does not mean I care. Franky if you can't get this simple fact you are proving the above points and implications of retardation I've angled your way.

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Hollister160 said...

Haha another good one but realy do many people do this i know i hear people crying about it and swearing and stuff but to call a [Gm] for it is wrong and disrespectful to all you guys and or gals (dont know if any girls work with you) i mean realy now people should not be playing this if they goign to cry over a chest or Nm or coffer or what ever they need i thought the age said must be adleast 13+ to play hint teen i dont know any teesn who would cry over this but what ever good job i bet he will never bother for somehting stupid ever again. O and one more thing next time send me a tell ill send of bottel of Jack for you over lol.
"Jack D only the best for the best stuff will make your grow hair in spots you didnt knwo that could"

At 12:33 PM, Blogger Walker said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 8:39 PM, Blogger Julia said...

The fact that it was RSE is even worse. RSE chests respawn quicker than any other chests in the game, so why do people get their panties in a bunch over them?

Good stuff, as usual. Can I get some of that dragon bait to send to some people I dislike?

At 10:02 AM, Blogger Tycooner said...

This was a true work of art.

Where can I get me some of that Dragon Bait I have uses for a tractor trailor load that will not go to waste.

Damn keyboard wore my coffee again. OH MY

At 11:25 PM, Blogger DummyAccount said...

lol, internet fight!!! Note that the troll doesn't even have a real account, probably just made one to troll. (kinda like me. I just made one to poke fun at everyone here for getting so upset.)

[GM]Dave, I love your site.

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Melina said...

God theres alot of retards on FFXI, good work [GM]Dave!

At 6:45 AM, Blogger Greville said...

hahaha frig those idiots!


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