Saturday, July 15, 2006

Please Stand By...


So you've all been waiting for the big July update with the brand new expansion quests and missions, and the new chocobo raising.

I've got good news and bad news.

The good news is that the update is going ahead. There will be a July update.


The bad news is that it doesn't include new expansion quests.

Or missions.

Or chocobo raising.

None of it.


I think we're fixing one of the fonts or something.


It's all very technical.

All I know is I get four free hours to drink without having to listen to any moronic calls about how someone stole your money/stuff/girlfriend.

But, you know what? Shit happens.

It's not exactly easy to get all of this stuff to work in the first place.

, it all has to be integrated into the system.

THEN, then we have to deal with all the problems that arise from the update.

Sometimes we have to delay things to make sure they work right.

See, we're doing this for you guys. You should be thanking us.

Stop laughing.

I said stop.

Quite frankly, we're a little sick of the constant update bitchfest.

Every damned time we have an update, we get flooded with a mountain of retarded GM calls.

We actually get two categories of calls about the updates:

1) We want the update now. Hurry up.

2) The update is broken. You should have spent more time on it.

Now, does anyone else see a problem with this?

If you're going to bitch at us to hurry the hell up, you can't turn around and bitch that we hurried the update.

I mean, the update isn't for another week and we already have people complaining about it.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Today, I had enough.

I decided that the first GM call with a moron whining about the update would inolve a dragon.


GM Call Description: Problem with Update.

Seriously. Murder should be legal in certain situations.

How in the hell could someone have a problem with an update that won't occur for another nine days?

And what kind of functionally retarded ass would make an "emergency" call about it?

I took a nice, deep breath (followed by half of a bottle of whisky) and logged in.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you've mastered time travel.
Player>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> Well... you're having trouble with the update.
[GM]Dave>> An update that won't happen for nine days.
[GM]Dave>> I can only assume you've come back to warn us.
[GM]Dave>> Did we break the intarweb?
[GM]Dave>> Did we invent Skynet?
Player>> No, no.
Player>> That's not what I'm calling about.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> That would have been awesome.
Player>> ...
Player>> I want to complain about the update.
[GM]Dave>> They still have whiny bitches in the future?
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> I thought we'd find a cure for emo.
Player>> That's not very nice.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I have a low tolerance for idiots.
Player>> Why aren't they putting the new chocobos in?
Player>> That's absolute bullshit.
Player>> We shouldn't have to wait.

See, now this bothers me.

If you are seriously upset that you have to wait for a colored chocobo, I think you've crossed a line.

Maybe it's time to logout for a little while. You need a break.

[GM]Dave>> They're just colored chocobos.
[GM]Dave>> I'm pretty sure you'll survive.
Player>> But we want them now.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you serious?
[GM]Dave>> Is that really your argument?
Player>> We've waited long enough.
[GM]Dave>> It's like talking to a five year old.
[GM]Dave>> Can I talk to your mommy please?
Player>> Do you know what the problem is?
[GM]Dave>> Oh please, Mr. Oracle.
[GM]Dave>> Enlighten me with your wisdom.
Player>> You don't respect your customers.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.
[GM]Dave>> Of course, I'm usually stuck talking to morons.
[GM]Dave>> There're probably some customers I'd like.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe.
Player>> We deserve more than this.
[GM]Dave>> I'd like to give you what you deserve.
[GM]Dave>> Sadly, mailing a hand grenade is expensive.
Player>> Did you just THREATEN ME?!
[GM]Dave>> I wouldn't say threaten.
[GM]Dave>> I'd say "creative problem-solving".
Player>> I want to file a complaint.


[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> The complaints manager gets a little cranky.
Player>> Now.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe we should just talk this over.
Player>> I want the complaints manager.
Player>> NOW DAMMIT!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> I tried.


Player>> ...
Player>> Wait...
Player>> What am I doing in jail?

Jormungand hits Player for 13,063 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I did warn you.
[GM]Dave>> He gets cranky.

Listen. We know you want your new chocobos.

We're doing the best we can.

If it's that big a deal, I think you have bigger problems than riding a big, colored chicken.

So, why don't we all calm down, you'll shut up, and I won't have to feed you to a dragon.

It's a win-win situation.

Well... more like win-not get ingested.


At 1:23 PM, Blogger Texgnome1 said...

Oh my god. I play City of Heroes and see the exact same thing on their forums. Bitch before - it's not out fast enough. Bitch before - it's still got bugs you should have waited. Hope that moron got a deluxe package.

At 1:23 PM, Blogger Yojo said...

They will complain that they cant fly with their own chocobo anyway.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger SomeOne said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger SomeOne said...

I'll admit. Nice Blog. I'd have to agree with most of the things you say about the people of the Final Fantasy Online Community for i find my self to expereince the same run in with the same fools. However as Remora suckin' arse (I went back to read as far back as i could go in your blog) Yes Remora is filled with its not so experinced players and everyone thinking they're cool. Yes in short remora does a lame job for just being there and people taking up space and people falling for every little trick there is to be made a fool out of. in matter of fact i play the game less because of this.

However over all you have a reader you cought the attention of. I'm not a blog fan and really don't care 'most of the time' what a blog is about. Real or fake i could care less but it is funny. I found my self to share in-game contact experinces and able to laugh about it later through your blog. keep up the good work and btw.. too bad its just another lame update.
More time with the woman.. of course thats never bad. haha

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Keilyn said...

Idiot. Those people bother me so much. Wish you could do more to them. Complaining about the update....which if you're complaining don't play the not a reason to bother a gm. Gm's don't make the game content.

Keep up the great work [GM]Dave.

At 2:36 PM, Blogger Angelfire said...

Ah the bane of online games.. especially online games that have forums...

Seriously log onto runescape (don't laugh.. I like the game) forums after an update .. especially if it's a major one or a new quest and watch the bitchfest commence that it wasn't to their liking... or watch the whiners who want X feature right this second...

*begin wishful thinking* I wonder if [GM] dave could police all the games online.... it'd certainly thin the moronic community down....

At 3:39 PM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

I have to say, i've only ever bitched on a forum, or anywhere for that matter, about one online game. Sad to say, that game was FFXI. I mean considering i've worked in the gaming industry and played online games for the past 15 (Oh FFS I need to get a life!) years, that pretty good going.

Thing is, when I'm paying a substantial amount of money for the game, I expect certain things in return. Top of this list of expectations is to be able to actually play it. Yes, you guessed it it. My sudden desire to complain coincided with the release of TOAU. Lag happens. You live with it. When hundreds of people lose connections though and everyone has so much lag it's virtually impossible to play... then thats a problem.

Paying for a game you can't play due to problem with it is as bad as buying a bottle of Jack Daniels only to find you can't get the lid off no matter what you try. You can of course smash the top of the bottle and lose a quater of it but be able to drink the rest. Now, have that happen for each bottle of JD and tell me you aren't pissed for paying for a full bottle and not being able to drink it because the manufactureres fucked up the lid.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger creature124 said...

O NO DELAYED? thats kinda sucks, but im not too wound up about it. we waited for a while, another couple of weeks wont hurt.

At 3:57 PM, Blogger Artos said...

Yellow is a color. Damn fanboys.

At 7:33 PM, Blogger Veinor Angiol said...

[GM]Dave>> Did we break the intarweb?


At 8:36 PM, Blogger Noruta said...

"*begin wishful thinking* I wonder if [GM] dave could police all the games online.... it'd certainly thin the moronic community down...."

Honestly I doub't we'd notice much of a difference. [GM]Dave, though with all his power is still one man. Every time an idiot got banned someplace somewhere you'd have an equal or greater idiot who just registered.

The solution would be to let [GM]Dave hand select a group of people to [GM] for each different game. Either that or mass clone [GM]Dave. Can you imagine [GM]Dave trying to feed [GM]CloneDave1 to a dragon? Ah, the possibilities...

At 8:50 PM, Blogger Voidbringer said...

"[GM]Dave>> Did we invent Skynet?
Player>> No, no.
Player>> That's not what I'm calling about.
[GM]Dave>> Damn.
[GM]Dave>> That would have been awesome."

No, instead of Skynet a whole new breed of stupidity was born, so vast and terrible that it consumed all of humanity in an instant.

In a short while someone will come from the future asking for your help in stopping as many idiots as possible and delaying that inevitable moment. Or maybe they already have. =)

At 9:53 PM, Blogger GM>Nightmare said...

as a former GM on many player made servers for the classic UO (Ultima online for those of us too drunk to figure that one out,... like me) i have to agree completely..

too bad you can't do what i did in these situations.. i took a dragon.. or some other really powerful monster... boosted all its stats to 1000... way way over the cap for UO... and then changed its avatar to a chicken... and let it wander the city.... oh they never see it coming

At 10:25 PM, Blogger Knyte said...

um notkesirahonest....most lag occurs on the player's end of the connection as well as hardware and software. all the data needed to play the game is stored on your PC (otherwise people coudnt create and use the various mods (like DAT switching and skins making [Elvaan GM skin ring a bell anyone?]) and hacks like the flee hack. the servers are there to allow people to interact.

when you get lag, its your graphics and networking card and processor trying to decipher the data it is recieving from the servers, which in turn recieves the data from thousands of other PCs and relays it back to other players, and turn it into something you can recognize instead of a bunch of binary digits and programming code.

and [GM]Dave, seriously you should know by now that people will bitch no matter what (SE does).thats why i weep late at night after drinking heavily, humanity is getting more retarded every generation and there is no way to stop it short of fed-exing a special deluxe package to every household, which unfortunately can cost a lot of money.

same thing applies to the last election, people voted for bush but they still bitch about how bad he is. you, as in the voters, put him back in office for a second term, so live with it. (sorry for the rant)

At 1:55 AM, Blogger Shinkada said...

It's like that one anime about the person who comes from the future to stop the character from being a stud, or something like that. I forget, I only played a Dating Sim based on it, never watched the anime itself.

Anyhow, I often complain about the content of updates. I'd especially be complaining if there was 'some big update' and it was cancelled for a run of the mill bug hotfix.


Coloured chocobos?

It's... A freaking colour. I mean, maybe if you could raise them, make them whatever colour you want, they'd have abilities, you could put a few sets of armour on them (War Chocobo?)... Okay.

But... Only the colour?

That's not a big update. That's just stupid. "We want our coloured birds now?"

Alright. Maybe a max level raise is something to get worked up for. Perhaps a new class or race. A new area maybe.

But coloured birds? Shit.

I'd say the FFXI community was retarded, but sadly, they're only as retarded as pretty much everyone else. =/

At 1:59 AM, Blogger Shinkada said...

(Sorry for the double post)

Oh, and Knyte? I don't know a SINGLE person who voted for Bush, because most of his support came from middle aged Christian housewives and redneck farmers called Cletus. I seriously do not know ONE supporter.

If you think that Democracy (or any feasible political scheme, for that matter) gives 'everyone a chance', you're delusional.

I'm not saying it's bad. It's physically not possible to make a successful political scheme unless you dedicate different islands to different points of view. "War mongers go here. Hippies go here. Emos go here." etc. (Make sure to nuke the emo island.)

But don't say crap like "well you're the one who voted him in" when the majority of his voters barely know what the 'interweb' does, let alone uses it.

At 3:15 AM, Blogger nano said...

Ahh Dave, you might one day meet players who aren't morons. Pity they get filtered out due to your GM status.

You'd have to quit your GM job (as I am now aware that 99.9% of GM calls are made by morons, the other .1% were just high), and then undergo painful regressive brainwiping to remove the ingrained memories first. Then you will be ready to (re)enter the glorious realm of Vana'diel!

You're still likely to bump into morons at every corner though, but thats just life. At least they won't be bugging you to fix something you have no control over, but 'u gut ne gilz?', 'how i mine fish?' is hardly a step up. Luckily, you can now /blist at will and turn on your /say (and /shout, /tell, /party etc) filters, which provide a little relief. However, you will probably miss out on talking to the few unidiotic folks, which was the whole point of this <.<

Hmm, actually the not being a GM is a bad idea, at least you have the Banstick and Jorgy to deal with the morons at the moment. I was just hoping you could have a normal (or even positive!) encounter with a player for once, you've earned it. Perhaps a little undercover work on one of your mules could find you an intelligible player. I'd start by checking those who have 0 GM calls to their name.

At 3:55 AM, Blogger Solid Squid said...

I don't know what these guys are complaining about. Personally I'd prefer being able to walk through a level without random spawning of dragons (teleportation *to* said dragons being another matter all together) than having a blue chocobo. And why does he think he deserves it? He has what he paid for already, he doesn't "deserve" any more than that

At 8:14 AM, Blogger Razmo said...

-Did we invent Skynet-

Awesome subtle referance to terminator....


At 8:29 AM, Blogger GM>Nightmare said...

Yeah they arn't paying for the gms to fulfil their every need and be their personal slaves.. they are paying for the original software and then they pay every month for the use of the company's servers.. the updates they get are really just gifts to the players.. ungrateful tho they may be and they should be glad that there is even a support staff.. my roll back on UO was mainly to answer questions on the features the server host programmed and to kill people on a whim for my own amusement

At 11:20 AM, Blogger Didi Gomba said...

can you put in a word for black chocobos with pink polkadots? kthnxbai

At 11:32 AM, Blogger Carliles said...

There are some very intellegent people in the world too. Don't give up on humanity yet.

Just be thankful that most of the retards are face full of monitor and aren't wandering the streets or trying to diddle your sister.

At 3:10 PM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

Knyte said...
um notkesirahonest....most lag occurs on the player's end of the connection as well as hardware and software. all the data needed to play the game is stored on your PC (otherwise people coudnt create and use the various mods (like DAT switching and skins making [Elvaan GM skin ring a bell anyone?]) and hacks like the flee hack. the servers are there to allow people to interact.

Damn, you'd have thought I'd know something as basic as that after actually working as a programmer on online games.

Shame there is no way of actually allowing for things like that so that every player doesn't experience lag so bad that it makes playing impossible...

Oh wait! it is possible but they just didn't do it!

I'm confused now. So, does this mean I still have a reason to be annoyed that i'm paying for something that doesn't work correctly, or that I don't?

Oh wait I've had a great idea now thanks to Knyte! I will sell a great game which allows players to create a full, perfectly accurate 3d person as thier player, infact so life-like it'll be impossible to tell from the real thing. Of course, it won't work because no-ones hardware or connections will be good enough to use it. But thats ok! That's the comsumers fault for buying it (Even though I will be sure to make the requirements on the box something that you do have)

I shall be a billionaire!

At 5:46 PM, Blogger Havok said...

If it's that big a deal, I think you have bigger problems than riding a big, colored chicken-----

so great who really gies a damn abotu riding the colored ones. and then when they die you get gm calls cause its dead. well atleast the dragons wont go hungry

At 7:04 PM, Blogger GM>Nightmare said...

i want to file a complaint.. my chocobo dosn't taste like chicken.. *belch*

At 9:10 PM, Blogger Alerith said...

See, Id like a black chocobo and all, but I can deal.

Ill admit that im dissapointed because it looked like fun to raise a chocobo yourself.

And the fact that you could call it rather than run to a stable.

But its not the end of Vana'Diel as we know it. Ill deal. Others should to.

Yet again, you make a hilarious blog out of another idiodic situation.

Keep up the good work!

At 9:12 PM, Blogger Alerith said...

OH OH, Why dont you start feeding player's chocobo's to Jorgy?

Then disable their ability to rent chocobos. >:)

Ehehehehe, muahahahaha, hohohohoho

<.<' Okay im done.

At 9:37 PM, Blogger Shutat said...

Excellent work, mate. Too bad you can't deal with every GM call like that.

Seriously. If people are that stupid, that they cannot be patient for a proper update, then they need fed to a dragon.

Personally, I think you should make it so every tard you have to deal with, gets slaughtered repeatedly by Jormy until they drop to Level 1. Once that happens, change they're Job class and continue the process until all jobs are Level 1. You could possibly talk to the Development Team about a prog for you that could accomplish this for you, even if they log out and log back in.

If they don't delete the account before the process is done, then they won't need to worry about Chocobo's at all. They'll be more worried about regaining the levels they lost, than an update they were previously bitching about in the first place.

But hey, that's just me.

At 12:07 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

Shinkada, you claim that you do not know a single Bush voter, and yet you also claim to know that every single Bush voter was a "Christian housewife" or redneck?

Anyway, [GM]Dave, I've been reading your blog since the beginning and I'd like to say thanks for being your witty, sadistic self. I check your blog every night, hoping for a good laugh to cheer me up before I sleep.

At 4:42 AM, Blogger Sakurafire said...

[GM]Dave... I believe you should just quit being a GM for FFXi and go GM for World of Warcraft. That way you can deal with update bitching every week, tuesday through thursday and beyond! ><
Of course there would be a problem with that whole Jormy thing... But well... Yeah. At least you get to travel in space with the Blood Elves and Naga!~

At 5:31 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

"Player>> I want to file a complaint.


I was so happy to see that!!!! [GM]Dave is back to his wonderfully hilarious antics.

At 7:23 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

Ha! Back to the Jormy goodness. Thanks you ever so much [GM]Dave

At 5:14 PM, Blogger J0eCool said...

[GM]Dave, the Chlorine in the pool of FFXI users.

'Bout damn time.

And I love how you technically CAN ban these people for "abusing the GM Call system". Idiots cover your tracks for you.

At 8:10 AM, Blogger Tycooner said...

I think the bitchfest happens with any game you buy be it online like this one or just for regular use on any system PC, xbox, PS etc.

A new game is announced and all you see and hear is when is it being released. We don't want to wait that long. will it have this, will it have that.

Then when it does finally release this is wrong and that is wrong and why didn't you include this or that.

Here is my answer to all of the above bitchfest complaints for games and game updates.

You rush a developer by nagging you want it early or you want it now and you get an inferior product. You leave the developer alone and give them sufficent time and you get a quality product.

Yes I realize most developers want to make money and push a product to release not always with the quality it deserves but if they don't get all the bugs then don't bitch just inform them politely you would like a fix and then give them time to get a quality fix.

If the fix doesn't work for your particular problem don't just bitch before looking for other possible reasons like maybe it's your settings or your install practices maybe something else YOU did. after you've explored what YOU did and you're sure you did everything right and your system is configured properly for the game and your specs meet game requirements.

Then file your complaint with the support team not with the GM who can't fix it anyway. Quit your dam whining and let those making the needed updates have the time they need to give you a quality update.

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Hollister160 said...

... um ... i ... okay yah he left me a littel speach less on that one but i mean realy now its a game i dont think he would die if he doesnt have a Black or Red or what ever colors they have chocobo i mean realy now cant he find somehting else better to do i say you gusy need to find a few people to help you out and ask people what the hell it is they need 1st before you bother yourself with loging in now im afriad to ask if i ever do need something like if i get stock in the water from a AOE or something cause you mihgt be pissed off and make me find my way out or fight a dragon for being that close to the water to be getting stock in it lol. Agian its funny to laugh at the expense of there stupid things but i feal sorry for you now and all the Bs u put up with.

At 7:16 AM, Blogger Greville said...

oh lord. i would love nothing more than 5 minutes with one of these frigs alone in a room. complaining about a chocobo update? what in the good hell christ of fuck knuckle ass cock is that kind of shit all about? makes me wonder why i even went to war for u guys for. i guess that makes me the bigger retard then eh? complaining about a chocobo update...oh my god. please you have to force them to answer you as to why its so important. ask them if they would care about a chocobo update if they were lying on the ground bleeding from the ears because thier computer blew up in thier face as a result of utter stupidity


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