Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Mentor Status

It's about damned time.

All my hard work has finally paid off.

My supervisor walked up to my desk this morning with a funny look on his face.

I instantly got ready to erase all of my files and format my harddrive.

Force of habit.

But he wasn't there to bother me. Oh no. He was there to give me some glorious, beautiful news.

They gave me a trainee to supervise.

MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!

There's no feeling like having a young impressionable mind that you can warp and bend to your will, a blank canvas on which you can paint your own twisted vision.

This must be what it feels like to be a parent.

They brought the young man to my desk.

Perhaps "young" is not a strong enough word. This boy was practically a fetus.

I actually had to check and see if he had an umbilical cord.

Still, he had potential. I could see a faint ember of cruelty in his eye.

The force is strong in this one.

I just needed to fan that flame.

Or throw gasoline on it.

I walked him to his desk, showed him how to log in, and then we answered our first GM call.

GM Call Description: Player monopolizing NM

Perfect. Just the right amount of stupid for this boy to cut his teeth on.

[GM]Dave>> Okay. How do you want to handle this?
[GM]Fetus>> Well... the manual says...
[GM]Dave>> HAHAHAHA!!!
[GM]Dave>> That's pretty funny.
[GM]Fetus>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> The GM Manual.
[GM]Dave>> That's priceless.
[GM]Fetus>> I'm serious.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> We have a lot of work to do.
[GM]Dave>> Fine. Tell me how you'd handle it.
[GM]Fetus>> We have to log in and speak with the player.
[GM]Fetus>> And then we have to review the logs.
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no.
[GM]Dave>> Christ, what are they teaching you people?
[GM]Fetus>> That's what the manual says to do.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else the manual says?
[GM]Fetus>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Shut the hell up!
[GM]Dave>> Now, log in and follow my instructions.

So we both log into the server and warp over to the player's location.

[GM]Fetus>> Good day, Adventurer.
[GM]Fetus>> I hope this Firesday meets you well.
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Don't mind him.
[GM]Dave>> He's new.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> Cool.
[GM]Dave>> So what's up?
[GM]Fetus>> You're not roleplaying.
[GM]Dave>> Don't make me slap you.
Player>> ... Yeah.
Player>> That guy has been monopolizing this NM for days.
Player>> He's here 24 hours a day.
[GM]Fetus>> We'd better check the logs for this player.
[GM]Dave>> And why would we do that?
[GM]Fetus>> This player says...
[GM]Dave>> Sweet lord.
[GM]Dave>> You're not actually listening to a player, are you?
[GM]Fetus>> Of course I am.
[GM]Fetus>> We're here to serve the players.

I literally fell off my chair at this point, I was laughing so hard.

[GM]Dave>> We don't actually listen to the players.
[GM]Dave>> They're more like pets.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Down, boy.
[GM]Fetus>> I thought we were supposed to...
[GM]Dave>> We're only supposed to do one thing.
[GM]Dave>> And that's ban people.
[GM]Fetus>> But what about the person being reported?
[GM]Dave>> We don't have any actual proof.
[GM]Dave>> Even the logs won't do anything.
[GM]Fetus>> So we let him go?
[GM]Dave>> No. We ban him anyway.
[GM]Dave>> Are you not paying attention?
[GM]Fetus>> But you said we don't have any proof.
[GM]Dave>> I don't get your point.
[GM]Fetus>> I'm confused.
[GM]Dave>> Let's take it one step at a time.
[GM]Dave>> This player right here... Say hi, Player.
Player>> ... Uhh... Hi?
[GM]Dave>> This guy sent an unnecessary GM call.
[GM]Dave>> And that is bad.
[GM]Dave>> And when a player does bad things, we...
[GM]Fetus>> Ban them?
[GM]Dave>> I like the way you think.
[GM]Dave>> I'd have gone with torture and humiliation.
[GM]Dave>> But I do respect efficiency.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> You're banning ME?!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Get used to that.
[GM]Dave>> They're kind of slow.
Player>> Are you talking about me?
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> It's like taking care of a grade 3 class.
Player>> You can't say that.
[GM]Dave>> A grade 3 special ed class.
Player>> I am soo getting you fired.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, Fetus...
[GM]Dave>> Could you go get me a coffee?
[GM]Fetus>> Now?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, please.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just start the paperwork on this guy.
[GM]Fetus>> Oh.
[GM]Fetus>> Okay.

I smile nicely and let Fetus get out of sight.

[GM]Dave>> So...

[GM]Dave>> Do you like dragons?

I think Fetus is going to make a good GM.

I just have to break him of this whole "we help people" thing.

We're here to serve the players...

That shit is hilarious.

38 Comments:

At 6:40 PM, Blogger Meghan said...

This makes me long for the next time I have a newbie to train at my store.

"Help the customer? Ahahaha. Go mop the bathroom, kiddo."

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Razmo said...

Finally you leave the server of Lakshmi!!!
Anyway I can only see bad coming from this....can you say unnecissary story spin-offs? Soon there will be GMDave and GMFetus lunch boxes....


-Raz

 
At 6:42 PM, Blogger creature124 said...

this could get interesting. be sure to follow and tell us how he develops :P he wont be able to match you of course, but it might be interesting to see a new veiw of torture.

 
At 6:43 PM, Blogger Cruven said...

I wish that i was that apprentice..I mean comeon who doesn't like chaos. I cause that around my house all the time (note im still 17 and its still fun to torture mom...) But ill let dave have his fun with the new guy. I can't wait to see what dave will come up with.


Just wait until new guy meets jormy

 
At 7:01 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

[GM]Dave, you are awesome.

I got banned for a week, 10 seconds after being released for a 2 day ban. I got to say 4 messages before getting sent back to Mordion Gaol. I wish that I coulda' gotten a cool GM like you..

GO TO MY BLOG.

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger Meru said...

Dear Dave
Can you seroiusly consider being a GM for naRose Online?

The dooche-bags who are currently taking that job is about to drive me into insanity. Their sheer stupidity is enough to make me fly to cali and burn their office. A couple dead labrats can do a better job than them.

Really, consider it. and i promise there are more than enough dimwits for you to torture in naRose.

As for your blog, i went back and read almost all of your posts since April. Great entertainment, but im soft hearted and pity some of those people.

Allright, have a sweet day Dave.

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

omg omg omg LOL!!!!! Great stuff!!!

 
At 8:49 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

The last two lines got me good. Good post, do keep it up

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger nano said...

Like the great BOFH before him, [GM]Dave gets his own PFY.. {Sweets}

 
At 10:39 PM, Blogger redkinoko said...

I can pretty much imagine what'd happened if Hitler had kids. Minus the moustache, plus a dragon or two.

 
At 10:55 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

good stuff keep it coming

 
At 12:46 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

lol

This blog gets more and more like "Bastard Operator From Hell" everyday. Not that that is a bad thing mindyou... Been reading bofh for years and years cos its so darned hilarious. Now that GM Dave has his version of "The Pimply Faced Youth" things can only get better :)

Oh, for those who like this sort of stuff take a look at the bastard operator at
http://www.theregister.com/odds/bofh/

Definately worth reading them, although i'll warn you, there are thousands now and they can be VERY addictive.

 
At 12:46 AM, Blogger backlash said...

im soo glad my friend introduced me to this blog, i would enjoy running into you on FF XI (if i owned it) even if i got banned simply for the pleasure of meeting you. let us know how your minoin develops.

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger Artos said...

FEEEEEEEEETUS!

Makes me hungry.

 
At 2:50 AM, Blogger Laggy said...

please, before i speak i beg for mercy and i know i fail at life and such...

but isn't fetus actually spelt "foetus"? i'm just saying...

awesome blog btw, keep it up

 
At 3:07 AM, Blogger Shutat said...

Absolutely priceless. You are a true piece of work, mate. Keep up the good work. Hopefully, you will break that newbie GM soon.

 
At 3:17 AM, Blogger Ristle said...

I want to be a GM and be trained by you :(

 
At 7:26 AM, Blogger Noruta said...

This one was great, "the manual says?"

though I do remember you referring to "my TOS". Guess you really do have your own TOS.

Awesome Stuff.

-Sidenote: Don't forget to tell us what [GM]Fetus is once he's not a fetus, Elvan, Galka, Taru. etc...

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger Manabu said...

haha, oh dear. This will be fun :D

In the future, it would be scary to have [GM]Fetus betray you and turn to the.... darker side...

D:

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger WHM of Death said...

GM]Dave>> We don't actually listen to the players.
[GM]Dave>> They're more like pets.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Down, boy.

[GM]Dave is truly the Master of all things Evil and Warped!! Hail!!

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger Havok said...

omg dave gets starts his army

 
At 5:21 PM, Blogger Bitneko said...

"Still, he had potential. I could see a faint ember of cruelty in his eye.

The force is strong in this one.

I just needed to fan that flame.

Or throw gasoline on it."

Priceless.^^

 
At 9:58 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

laggy,

...It's fetus. No weird, funky spelling. Just fetus. It's a small, simple enough word for anyone with half a brain to spell correctly.

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger Natch said...

That wasn't as funny as your other ones.

But I LOVE where it's going to go.

Keep it up.

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger Draconix said...

Laggy,

Think before you type, there is a wonderful book called the dictionary or you can look online to see how things are spelled. http://dictionary.reference.com/

 
At 2:42 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

Draconix..

Think before you type, there is a wonderful place called the rest of the world...

America isn't the only country in existance... Also, keep in mind that as the U.S is a relatively new country whoes language is mainly based upon languages that were already in existance well before it was, it means that alot of countries don't use -your- method of spelling things and instead use the original spellings.

I'll give you a little tip to help you through life without offending everyone who doesn't live in your country. America doesn't = the world.

Try to learn that and maybe, eventually, other countries will stop thinking of Americans as arrogant, obnoxious and ignorant. Because sadly, wether you meant to or not, that's how your post came across.

DISCLAIMER
This is not my opinion on America or its citizens, merely the most common world view. Possibly because the most ignorant and arrogant seem to shout louder than the well educated and informed, thus drowning them out. Shame.

 
At 3:09 AM, Blogger è€æ˜Ÿæ´² said...

I have a feeling you are trying to be funny and pick troubles.

 
At 5:44 AM, Blogger Laggy said...

meh, leave me alone i'm british... we throw in all kinds of unecessary vowels and such, might just be a different way of spelling

Or i could just be thinking of foeces? O.o

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Texgnome1 said...

There's no feeling like having a young impressionable mind that you can warp and bend to your will, a blank canvas on which you can paint your own twisted vision.

This must be what it feels like to be a parent.

Yes Dave, it is. You do not truly understand yet, but you will. You will. Welcome to the fun, and looking forward to the next one.

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger Adonnis said...

lol damn been addicted tot his blog since a friend showed it to me strangley enough its made me buy the game... lol

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger MoHo said...

This reminds me of Bastard Operator From Hell. And by 'reminds', I mean 'should read and take notes from'. Low point. Otherwise, gogo Dave. Keep up the good work.

 
At 9:48 AM, Blogger Yo Alejandro said...

oh please master make me one of you're minions of evil!!


ALL HAIL [GM]DAVE AND HIS OWNER SUSAN!!!!!!

 
At 10:23 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

There are rather alot of the GM Dave blogs that are remarkably similar to Bastard Operator from Hell...

So, Any comment Dave? Is this coincidence or is bofh an inspiration?

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger Jeff said...

I smell an abortion coming

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger Knyte said...

DISCLAIMER
This is not my opinion on America or its citizens, merely the most common world view. Possibly because the most ignorant and arrogant seem to shout louder than the well educated and informed, thus drowning them out. Shame.


heh the weakest dogs always bark the loudest. those of us in this country who are un-infected by the stupidity just sit back and laugh and go about our days. unfortunately the retardation is increasing. its being [GM]Dave and getting trapped in Valkurm Dunes.

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger Shiz said...

[GM]Dave, I love your work!
It would be oh so great if you were a [GM] for World of Warcraft. This place needs ridding of alot functionally retarded noobs, but you'd have to switch dragons from Jormungand to Vaelestraz or something. :D

 
At 4:07 AM, Blogger Ristle said...

Shiz said...

[GM]Dave, I love your work!
It would be oh so great if you were a [GM] for World of Warcraft. This place needs ridding of alot functionally retarded noobs, but you'd have to switch dragons from Jormungand to Vaelestraz or something. :D



5,999,999 players. So little time.

 
At 6:37 PM, Blogger nano said...

Correct English spellings of common words: Colour, armour, foetus, faeces.

Bastardised (aka bastardized)American spellings of common words: Color, armor, fetus, feces.

The first two sure, change the spelling, ho hum, whatever, the second two, hmm... technical medical jargon, could these be (gasp) Latin words? Why yes! So {Congratulaions} America, you have now bastardised a language across thousands of years!

 

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