[GM]Dave Casts Firaga III.Today, I was thrust outside into this stupid "real world" I keep hearing people talk about.
Still not impressed, by the way.
Seriously. We invented houses for a goddamned reason.
If outside was so great, then why does everyone want a house?
I did not go outside of my own volition as one might expect, but was instead forced to leave my home by unbearable heat.
Damn this planet and the sun that rotates around it.
I'm not exactly sure why it was so hot inside my place, but at one point I was considering pulling the liquid cooling system from my PC and wrapping it around my brain.
So, since I was outside, I decided to have a barbecue.
If I'm going to be outside, I might as well eat food, right?
I fire up the grill.
Lighter fluid, lighter fluid, lighter fluid.
[GM]Dave>> FIRAGA III!!!
I pretend not to notice Susan shaking her head as I throw the match.
Things are going nicely. I'm grilling some nice Dhalmel steaks or something when one of my neighbors walks up to me.
Before we even start, let me explain how much I dislike this.
I did not ask to speak with this person. I did not in any way signal that I wanted to have a conversation.
I am already annoyed at being outside and now I have to deal with the Morlocks that inhabit this strange realm.
Now, let me set the picture. I'm standing in my yard in front of a blazing grill. I am wearing an apron that says "If you can read this, GO THE HELL AWAY!"
Yeah. I so want to talk to people.
Now, I am struck with two choices here:
a) I can take the metal spatula, hold it against the hot grill, and then slap him in the face with it.
This, of course, would be highly amusing, but since I do not want to be on Season 2 of Prison Break...
b) I can go out of my way to make this person leave.
How hard could that be?
Neighbor>> Hey there.
[GM]Dave>> There's a person on me.
Neighbor>> Having a barbecue?
I'm standing in front of a grill upon which meat is being cooked via fire.
It is literally just a foot in front of this person.
Does he think this is just an elaborate ruse we like to perform on hot days?
[GM]Dave>> Who told you?
Neighbor>> Told me what?
[GM]Dave>> Who told you about the barbecue?
[GM]Dave>> This is classified.
Neighbor>> I don't understand...
[GM]Dave>> WHO TOLD YOU?!
Neighbor>> I saw the grill and figured it out.
[GM]Dave>> DEAR LORD! You're a detective!
[GM]Dave>> Quickly! Other crimes need solving!
Neighbor>> What in the hell are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> You need a van.
[GM]Dave>> You can't solve mysteries without a van.
Neighbor>> Hey, lady!
Neighbor>> Is this guy crazy or something?
Susan>> I try not to ask him things.
[GM]Dave>> I don't like things.
Neighbor>> Hot, isn't it?
[GM]Dave>> What are you doing?
Neighbor>> I'm making small talk.
[GM]Dave>> Why exactly?
Neighbor>> I'm being nice.
Neighbor>> It's what people do.
[GM]Dave>> I didn't get that.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else people do?
[GM]Dave>> They go the hell away.
[GM]Dave>> That's a good plan, too.
[GM]Dave>> Let's try that one.
Neighbor>> Are you trying to get me to leave?
[GM]Dave>> Unsuccessfully, so far.
[GM]Dave>> I am still, however, hopeful.
Neighbor>> I'm leaving.
[GM]Dave>> You probably should.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sure others are not being bothered.
[GM]Dave>> You should get right on that.
Neighbor>> You know something...
Neighbor>> You're a jerk.
Anyone know a good lawyer that specializes in spatula-related assault cases?