Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Fan Club Week!

It is that time again, my people. Time for me to show my appreciation for you readers.

It is you people and you people alone that keep me from going on an insane killing spree during which I would lay waste to the useless husks that pervade our society.

Also, if people stopped reading, I'd be talking to myself.

That'd be kind of sad.

I especially appreciate the people who go out of their way to support this blog just because they like it.

So to thank all of the readers who donated five dollars or more this month, I'll be sending out a fresh new giftpack filled with goodies. It'll include some exclusive stories, some fun pictures, detailed plans on my conquest for world domination, a fan club membership card, and some other cool items.

Wait...

Did I mention the world domination thing?

You should probably ignore that.

Also, as always, the person who donates the most in any given month will be given the opportunity to take part in the blog. Meet [GM]Dave, impress your friends, get eaten by a dragon.

Note: if this actually impresses your friends, that's really sad. You may want to take the time to make new friends.

Anyway, this week I thought it would be fun to take a look back at my first few days in the game.

Before they gave me my god-like powers.

Can you imagine that I actually had to go through Valkurm without a dragon to kill people?

How do you people do it?

My first day was... odd.

I was playing on PC, so I went out and picked up a controller to make it a little easier.

Unfortunately, I had spent most (read: nearly all) of my money on alcohol and had to settle for a "budget" controller.

It had no analog sticks. Only a D-pad.

This, I would learn, was bad.

While setting up the controller, I had to set a certain axis to certain movements like moving my character or moving the camera.

My controller only had one axis.

Me, being an idiot, set my character movement, camera movement, and menu control all to the same axis.

Hilarity did not ensue.

Every movement caused my character to move and the camera to spin.

Imagine my excitement (read: nausea) at running through Port San d'Oria with the camera angle constantly spinning in every direction.

Yeah...

Fun.

Once I figured out how to calibrate the controller properly (read: yanked that bitch out of my USB port and then introduced it to my good friend, Mr. Hammer), I set out to hone my skills as a noble warrior.

I quickly dashed out of the city to join the battle against the hordes of evil monsters.

What evil would I face outside the city walls? Orcs? Dragons?

Bunnies.

Yes, bunnies.

I had to spend my first day killing bunnies.

When I find the Dev with the Monty Python sense of humor, I'm going to slap him to death.

This is how my very first conversation went.

Dave: Does anyone know what I do now?
Player>> You kill monsters to gain experience points.
Dave>> And where might I find these monsters?
Player>> Well, you're level 1...
Player>> So you should fight bunnies.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> Are you freakin' kidding?
Player>> No.
Player>> You level off of bunnies to start.
Dave>> And this is normal?
Dave>> Are bunnies a threat?
Player>> Well... no.
Dave>> Do they at least have rabies?
Dave>> Rabid bunnies might make sense.
Player>> Not really.
Player>> They can be kind of nasty.
Dave>> ... Wow.
Dave>> Bunnies with a bad disposition.
Dave>> I shake in terror.
Player>> Look... just make with the bunny killing.
Dave>> Right away.
Dave>> This fluffy scourge must be dealt with.
Dave>> Seriously. Are there any other monsters around here?
Player>> There are worms.
Dave>> Worms?
Player>> And beetles.
Player>> Oh! And sheep.
Dave>> Yay.
Dave>> I'm attacking a petting zoo.
Dave>> I suppose my first mission is to kill a box of kittens.
Player>> Everyone does it.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> That is so sad.

I felt very stupid attacking bunnies.

Very stupid.

And then I got my ass kicked by a bunny.

Very, very stupid.

I realize a new player has to start slow, but can we maybe come up with something better than bunnies and worms?

Like anything.

It's like they actively tried to find the two least dangerous animals on our planet and make them our first fighting experience.

It's really hard to feel proud about kicking some bunny ass.

It's even harder to feel proud about getting murdered by one.

Stupid rabbits.

39 Comments:

At 8:33 PM, Blogger capone said...

Beware of the bunnies and worms of doooooom!! anyways people had to start off small everywhere I killed walking plants and bees go me >.>.

But now look where you are so it was worth killing Dr. Dolittle's petting zoo. lol

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger Nu-Hir said...

I was killing mutant bunnies and crazy walking onions. Can't forget a killer bee or two!

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Belsire said...

You get right on that. Perhaps a rough introfuction into the world of fighting (Read: Jormungand) might be sitting in W. Ronfaure one of these days.

You know... for fun.

 
At 9:55 PM, Blogger Kerensky said...

isn't that how most of the game goes rabits lv 1-76 (Wild Rabbit-Tropical Rarab) and worms lv 1-73 (Tunnel Worm-Mountain Worm [NM])

for me it was more the I'm killing a bird .. and oh now it's night.. bat.. ya bats...

oh well.. I have proven drinking improves dynamis drop rate.. how did you cap your drinking skill?

later time to raise my skill lv befor dynamis tomorrow just 3 more bottles to go.

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger Knightxl said...

well maby u should play WoW its soo much better than FFXI aculy FFXI sux but i like wah u do to ppl i give ya props for that oo and i got a question for u can u go to any server cuz if so i would like it if u fed my little borther to your pet dragon i think that would be funny as hell but ya dude u got some bitchen way with ppl i would almost aculy start playin FFXI jsut to mess with u and get u to feed me to a dragon lol well ya

o an dif my spelling pises u off i have dislexia so im screwed in that department

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger ClamS said...

Knightxl said...
well maby u should play WoW its soo much better than FFXI aculy FFXI sux but i like wah u do to ppl i give ya props for that oo and i got a question for u can u go to any server cuz if so i would like it if u fed my little borther to your pet dragon i think that would be funny as hell but ya dude u got some bitchen way with ppl i would almost aculy start playin FFXI jsut to mess with u and get u to feed me to a dragon lol well ya

o an dif my spelling pises u off i have dislexia so im screwed in that department


Yeah, blame your dumb ass spelling on some bullshit disease that they just use to make it look like "it's not your fault"... well maybe if you stopped playing WoW, where nearly everyone seems to have this "Dislexia" problem( which btw you managed to spell perfectly for the biggest word in your post) you wouldn't be such a dumbass and might know how to spell correctly...

And btw, I completly sympathize... I could magic the hell out of Bunnies as a BLM but they managed to kick my ass.

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger Lokyar said...

Blind people arent allowed to drive.
Parapalegics cant race.
So why are stupid people allowed on the internet?

Dyslexia is lowered reading comprehension, not a crass mutilation of the english language.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger Lokyar said...

PS: Actually they managed to fuck that one up too. y, not i.

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger leonoxx said...

^_^ theres just something about the bashing of WoW and the people that play it... brings a smile to my face everytime...

>>I'm sure its a good game, just funny as hell, bash on.

 
At 10:46 PM, Blogger Chronofantasy said...

One law of FFXI: No matter how strong you get, there's always a bunny out there that can kick your ass.

This is why San D'Oria is a crappy place :P At least if you start off in Windurst or Bastok, you can fight bees, Mushroom head monsters, or large lizards.

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

Bastok has better low level monsters. We may still have worms, and the giant bees might not be much at first, but at least they become MANEATING bees later.

Also, I'm still waiting on someone to tell me what the hell a quadav is... I assume it means giant, mutated, ugly turtle.

 
At 11:59 PM, Blogger Squirt said...

I like fighting bunnies! I go out and Grrr! Wow! and then they kick me and I stab them until they play nice!

Reeree says she is surprised that you can play World of Warcraft over AOL, only the way she said it I don't think she's really surprised.

Okay BYE!

No, wait, my boss didn't fight bunnies when she was little. She was in Windurst, like Reeree, and she had to stab Bumblebees and Mandragora! Mandragora are SO cute, they go "Ugh!" when you poke them with a knife, and the spin around and do funny moves. I just want to squeeze them but they make me super sleepy.

Okay, bye.

P.S. The Elvaan are nicer to you if you start here in San d'Oria. Otherwise they call you foreigner and spit at you when they say it.

Okay, bye for real!

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger Cristy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:10 AM, Blogger Aurkonn said...

Well, at least killing bunnies is better than whacking your stuff at walking plants...and being killed by them.
Ahahaha!! Your stuff is genius! cracks me a smile every time!

Hail GM!

 
At 3:02 AM, Blogger nano said...

Its their blank, lifless evil eyes! Their stagnant, timeless stare! Its like gazing into the abyss! These devil-eyed bunnies must be EXTERMINATED!

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger Lady Celestria said...

Hi [GM]Dave

I read your blog on a daily basis and i find your tales incredibly funny. Thank you for making my call centre job just a little more easier to deal with. I don't play FFXI but i was surfing some of my regular work related websites *cough* and up popped an advert for Gil $12.99 for 1 million... Due to the fantastic educational service you provide here i came to the conclusion this was wrong wrong wrong and Jormey needs his dinner. So i sent an email away... ok so i dont expect to get an email back as you will all be far too drunk but still be happy [GM]Dave you have reached the people as far as Scotland

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger Evil Shrimpy said...

One might suppose that the mighty Dave would enjoy murdering bunnies.

As for being killed by one; you'll laugh at this later.

Maybe.

Or maybe you'll just get revenge by causing bunny amegeddon when you're high enough level to one-shot the suckers.

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Loki said...

Dave>> I suppose my first mission is to kill a box of kittens.

LMAO

 
At 5:36 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

HAHA Killer bunniesssss!!!! Poor noobie [GM]Dave. Little did you know you would be taking over the world. Or um.... yeah.. >.>

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

Dave>> I'm attacking a petting zoo.

Heh! Silly Dave, expecting realistic reasons or moral consequences for the mindless slaughter we engage in every day! :D

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger Yo Alejandro said...

Want to feel worse AND more pathetic?

Freakin' bunnys are handicapped

They only have legs and no arms!!!!!

Makes you feel all fuzzy and suicidal inside doesn't it?



ALL HAIL [GM]DAVE AND HIS OWNER SUSAN!!!!!!!

 
At 8:14 AM, Blogger Knightxl said...

YOU ALL CAN DIE COME PLAY WOW AND ILL FEED U TO MY EARTHSHAKER!!!!!! THEN WE WILL SEE HOW STUPID WOW IS!!!!!!

but really will u feed my bro to a dragon

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Razmo said...

You guys are forgetting the classic...
"CARDIAN SCREAM"
after killing nothing but small furry creatures for so long...you move to cardians and then are scared for life after hearing their dying yaowl!

-Raz

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Wow, thats my thought pattern in a nutshell every time I start a new job. hehe, good stuff.

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger creature124 said...

imagine for a moment what would have happened if dave had simply given up on FFXI after being killed by a bunny...he never would have got his job as a GM and we wouldnt have this blog to read.

it pains me to even think about it

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

I remember my first day too... I was killed by a worm in the ronfaure XD I didn't even stand a chance ._. Kinda didn't help that I was a black mage using a dagger though (/.\)

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Inia said...

Bunnies are evil little bastards.

Bunnicula anyone?

At least bunnies are animals, with an assumption of claws and teeth. There's nothing quite so humiliating as getting your ass kicked by small, half-grown plants that don't even appear to have thorns.

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger Walker said...

Re: WhyWontYouJustShutUp

Oh dear Lord, it's irony and hypocracy of the most retarded kind.

If you find these blog entries so repetitive, dull and tedious, as well as finding yourself becoming what can only be described as irate over people's feedback, I ask of you - Why do you insist on returning? Why do you carry on reading this blog? Why do you continue to post these worthless comments?

It's obviously very clear that you don't have much of a life, and would much rather flame somebody's blog than go outside and make some friends because (1)you are a retard; (2)nobody wants to be your friend because you're the geeky, fat kid who sits secluded at the back of class; (3)you're obviously insanely jealous of [GM]Dave's talent as a comedian (that, for reference, is somebody who actually has the ability to make people laugh, unlike every comment you've posted) and feel the need to post these degrading comments in an attempt to make yourself feel better.

You insist you "don't care", and yet you return, time after time, to see whose replied to your retarded comment. That is why, although you like to deny it, you posting shows that you do actually care.

You call your fellow commenters "pathetic" and "ass lickers" simply because they tell [GM]Dave that they appreciate his work. If you looked up the word "pathetic" I'm pretty sure you'd see the definition of "Why don't you just shut up?" besides it.

You are not funny.
You are not clever.
You are not achieving anything.

Most importantly.

You are not shutting up.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger WhyWontYouJustShutUp said...

Wow, way to reply like fucking 3 days later, and in response to an entry I haven't even commented on.

Well done, you have me nailed down to a tee. Just because I have 5 minutes to post a comment I must spend THE ENTIRE TIMELINE OF MY LIFE READING THIS BLOG! Or alternatively I post my opinion because I can.

Enjoying a debate is not a sign of caring. Really you people need to try and get a better grasp of reality and what constitutes care. An emotional reaction would show that, but I'm not in the least emotional about the comments of a bunch of self important couch psychologists with little or no understanding of the real world or the subjects they seem to believe they are qualified in.

Just because it's negative doesn't mean its a flame. Why can't you accept that some of these blog entries are shit? Am I jealous? NO! Do I have a blog entry to try and get my own little clan of pricks to love me? NO! I simply comment. Pure and simple.

'Oh dear Lord, it's irony and hypocracy of the most retarded kind.' yes, it is isn't it? You have described yourself perfectly.

Apart from that your pathetic attempts to get a 'rise' out of me all seem to be taken from the book of 11 year olds school yard chat. Me in a dicitionary, sure, show me that entry, i want to see it. Why not go away and try to construct an argument based on fact that doesn't fall over the second you realise its like every other flaming post the internet forums have ever seen.

Oh and finally - i don't do this to make you all laugh - i do it to make me laugh. If you haven't gathered that they you don't even know the definitions of the things you accuse me of. So read your dictionary, try and sound original all you like. To me and everyone else you are the A-typical self righteous cock sure forum user that does ironically come under the 'chubby lonely kid' category.

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger Trigger said...

Not taking any sides, but both of you sound like retards. Honestly, it really doesn't matter what he said, and walker, trying to insult him away is just as stupid as him insulting the blog. So just drop it, leave a comment for dave saying a)good job, i loved *quote*. or b) that really wasn't funny, better luck next time. perhaps even c) your own little antecdote relating to daves adventures. I doubt bloggers (such as [gm]dave need random fans to fight for them.

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger Kerensky said...

I feel so neglected no one looks at my blog or my ffxi uncovered pic of the day. /cry.. oh well I'll just have to find better stuff to post :D

when in doubt do a b or c

a drink
b light fire
c .. my blog gives a clue for C

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger Zychion said...

Dude, that was the most enjoyable (even though it wasn't hilarious) post you've written. Either your getting weak and showing your soft under-belly or your sick.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger Artos said...

Dave>> Are bunnies a threat?
Player>> Well... no.
Dave>> Do they at least have rabies?
Dave>> Rabid bunnies might make sense.
Player>> Not really.
Player>> They can be kind of nasty.
Dave>> ... Wow.
Dave>> Bunnies with a bad disposition.
Dave>> I shake in terror.
Player>> Look... just make with the bunny killing.
Dave>> Right away.
Dave>> This fluffy scourge must be dealt with.
Dave>> Seriously. Are there any other monsters around here?
Player>> There are worms.
Dave>> Worms?
Player>> And beetles.
Player>> Oh! And sheep.
Dave>> Yay.
Dave>> I'm attacking a petting zoo.
Dave>> I suppose my first mission is to kill a box of kittens.


This is, undoubtedly, the best dialogue you've written yet. I'm still laughing.

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger Glitterngld said...

Dave>> Seriously. Are there any other monsters around here?
Player>> There are worms.
Dave>> Worms?
Player>> And beetles.
Player>> Oh! And sheep.
Dave>> Yay.
Dave>> I'm attacking a petting zoo.
Dave>> I suppose my first mission is to kill a box of kittens.


ROFLOL thats a classic LOL

 
At 12:30 AM, Blogger Tarage said...

I believe getting killed by a bunny is a rite of passage for all newbies. If you don't get killed at least once by a bunny before level 20, you haven't lived.

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger John D. Sullivan said...

You want to see a dangerous bunny? Check out www.sluggy.com. Funny web comic with the worlds most homicidal rabbit.

 
At 2:04 AM, Blogger Anthony said...

YOU ALL CAN DIE COME PLAY WOW AND ILL FEED U TO MY EARTHSHAKER!!!!!! THEN WE WILL SEE HOW STUPID WOW IS!!!!!!
....................................No thanks i play Good games not kiddy ones, Lol Dave, Dont feel bad i got owned by a bunny to, They can be real bishs.

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

I felt very stupid attacking bunnies.

Very stupid.

And then I got my ass kicked by a bunny.

Very, very stupid.
LMAO *shakes her head* {GM} Dave..It doesn't matter how badass a player thinks they are.
There is ALWAYS a bunny somewhere in Vanadeil that can kick your ass!

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger Greed said...

Okay. you probably don't realize how funny this is to me. With not knowing what the hell you're talking about half the time since, unfortunately, I cannot get a job yet, and my parents are rather… shall we say...cheap?

But really, I have never gotten the chance to even try out FFXI. I had always wanted to. But onto the subject.

Yet again, I began reading this blog. And soon enough, since I am awake at 9 in the damn morning and no one else in the house will be awake for at least aother 2 hours.. I began reading your blog aloud. Soon enough, I start to burst out laughing. But really, you do have to sort of put similarities between Ragnarok and FFXI. Lunatics...bunnies...yes.

Haha. You're awesome, buddy, purely one of the most hilarious story-tellers I have ever met.

-GreedElric

 

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