Fan Club Week!It is that time again, my people. Time for me to show my appreciation for you readers.
It is you people and you people alone that keep me from going on an insane killing spree during which I would lay waste to the useless husks that pervade our society.
Also, if people stopped reading, I'd be talking to myself.
That'd be kind of sad.
I especially appreciate the people who go out of their way to support this blog just because they like it.
So to thank all of the readers who donated five dollars or more this month, I'll be sending out a fresh new giftpack filled with goodies. It'll include some exclusive stories, some fun pictures, detailed plans on my conquest for world domination, a fan club membership card, and some other cool items.
Did I mention the world domination thing?
You should probably ignore that.
Also, as always, the person who donates the most in any given month will be given the opportunity to take part in the blog. Meet [GM]Dave, impress your friends, get eaten by a dragon.
Note: if this actually impresses your friends, that's really sad. You may want to take the time to make new friends.
Anyway, this week I thought it would be fun to take a look back at my first few days in the game.
Before they gave me my god-like powers.
Can you imagine that I actually had to go through Valkurm without a dragon to kill people?
How do you people do it?
My first day was... odd.
I was playing on PC, so I went out and picked up a controller to make it a little easier.
Unfortunately, I had spent most (read: nearly all) of my money on alcohol and had to settle for a "budget" controller.
It had no analog sticks. Only a D-pad.
This, I would learn, was bad.
While setting up the controller, I had to set a certain axis to certain movements like moving my character or moving the camera.
My controller only had one axis.
Me, being an idiot, set my character movement, camera movement, and menu control all to the same axis.
Hilarity did not ensue.
Every movement caused my character to move and the camera to spin.
Imagine my excitement (read: nausea) at running through Port San d'Oria with the camera angle constantly spinning in every direction.
Once I figured out how to calibrate the controller properly (read: yanked that bitch out of my USB port and then introduced it to my good friend, Mr. Hammer), I set out to hone my skills as a noble warrior.
I quickly dashed out of the city to join the battle against the hordes of evil monsters.
What evil would I face outside the city walls? Orcs? Dragons?
I had to spend my first day killing bunnies.
When I find the Dev with the Monty Python sense of humor, I'm going to slap him to death.
This is how my very first conversation went.
Dave: Does anyone know what I do now?
Player>> You kill monsters to gain experience points.
Dave>> And where might I find these monsters?
Player>> Well, you're level 1...
Player>> So you should fight bunnies.
Dave>> Are you freakin' kidding?
Player>> You level off of bunnies to start.
Dave>> And this is normal?
Dave>> Are bunnies a threat?
Player>> Well... no.
Dave>> Do they at least have rabies?
Dave>> Rabid bunnies might make sense.
Player>> Not really.
Player>> They can be kind of nasty.
Dave>> ... Wow.
Dave>> Bunnies with a bad disposition.
Dave>> I shake in terror.
Player>> Look... just make with the bunny killing.
Dave>> Right away.
Dave>> This fluffy scourge must be dealt with.
Dave>> Seriously. Are there any other monsters around here?
Player>> There are worms.
Player>> And beetles.
Player>> Oh! And sheep.
Dave>> I'm attacking a petting zoo.
Dave>> I suppose my first mission is to kill a box of kittens.
Player>> Everyone does it.
Dave>> That is so sad.
I felt very stupid attacking bunnies.
And then I got my ass kicked by a bunny.
Very, very stupid.
I realize a new player has to start slow, but can we maybe come up with something better than bunnies and worms?
It's like they actively tried to find the two least dangerous animals on our planet and make them our first fighting experience.
It's really hard to feel proud about kicking some bunny ass.
It's even harder to feel proud about getting murdered by one.