Thursday, July 27, 2006

Valkurm DOOM

I didn't walk into Valkurm Dunes completely unaware.

I did my homework before starting the game. You know, checking up on all of the FFXI forums I could find.

There were enough threads about the ultimate suckfest that is the dunes that I managed to figure out that it was a bad place to go.

I'm smart like that.

Still, if you want to make it from level 12 to level 20, you really don't have a lot of choice.

So, after my incident with Lumbering Lambert, I figured it couldn't be that bad.

I was wrong.

Just zoning into the area makes you feel dirty.

It's as if the very air itself is saturated in stupid. You can actually feel your IQ dropping.

And the shouting... Oh dear lord, the shouting.

Player1>> Raise needed!
Player2>> Where?
Player1>> By the beach.
Player2>> This entire place is a beach.
Player1>> Oh...
Player1>> By the palm trees.
Player2>> There's a hundred palm trees.
Player3>> Lvl 14 RDM/ 5 WAR looking for group.
Player4>> Level your sub, you n00b.
Player4>> Level 16 BLM/ 6 MNK looking for group.
Player2>> I still can't find you.
Player1>> We're on the freakin' beach.
Player2>> What's the position of the dead body?
Player1>> He's kind of lying down.

Now, take that conversation and multiply it by a million.

Then, hit yourself in the face with a ballpeen hammer.

That's what it's like to be in Valkurm.

My first time in Valkurm was enlightening.

Just as I was about to zone in, another player zoned out. He was nearly dead and immediately rested.

Not thinking too much of it, I stepped forward and entered the Dunes.

And came face to face with three goblins.

Three unhappy goblins.

Did I mention they were unhappy?

So, I'm in San d'Oria again.

I manage to walk all the way back to Valkurm and, this time, I get ready to run for my life as I zoned in.

No goblins this time.

I live.


I throw up my flag and after a few minutes, I get my first invite.

Leader>> pt?

Truly, this man must be a poet.

Still, I really wanted to join my first group. I could smell the trouble coming, but my lust for experience points got the better of me.

I joined.

Dave>> Hey, guys.
Dave>> What are we fighting?
Leader>> Not sure yet.
Leader>> We need you to tank.
Dave>> Me?
Dave>> Tank?

Did I mention I was playing Red Mage?

And that I had no sub?

Leader>> You can do it.
Leader>> Trust me.
Dave>> Sigh.

I reluctantly agree and we head for the coastline to fight some crabs.

Well... at least it's not bunnies.

We start fighting crabs and it is immediately and glaringly obvious that I will not suffice as a tank. Hate is jumping around everywhere and I'm taking way too much damage.

Despite all odds, though, I'm managing to stay alive.

We're just ending a fight with a particularly difficult crab and the mages are really suffering. They had practically no MP left.

We all kneeled to heal a bit.

Well... not all of us.

Puller>> INCOMING!
Puller>> (( Found it. )) --> Pugil! Pulling!
Dave>> What's a pugil?

Apparently, a pugil is a large, extremely ugly fish that likes to one shot Red Mages to death on a beach.

Good to know.

So, we all die. Five of us Homepoint to the nearby outpost and get ready to go again.

You'll notice I said five.

Unfortunately, a group is composed of six people.

WhiteMage>> I'm not homepointing.
WhiteMage>> Find me a Raise.
Dave>> There're no higher level White Mages in the area.
Dave>> We can't get a Raise.
WhiteMage>> I'm not homepointing.
WhiteMage>> You'd better find someone.
Dave>> Seriously, man.
Dave>> By the time we find someone AND they raise you...
Dave>> We could have made a ton of exp.
WhiteMage>> I don't care.
Dave>> What the hell is wrong with you?
Dave>> Why won't you homepoint?
WhiteMage>> I can't.
WhiteMage>> I set my homepoint in Bastok.
Dave>> Why would you do that?!
WhiteMage>> So I wouldn't have to walk.
Dave>> You're retarded.
WhiteMage>> Just find a raise.
Dave>> Sure.
Dave>> I'll just pull another White Mage out of my ass!
WhiteMage>> You're such a n00b.

I swear to God, if I had had a dragon that day, he'd still be being digested.

The entire party broke down because of one extremely idiotic White Mage. One jerk who was too selfish (and stupid) to set his homepoint nearby.

It was everything I could do not to yank the network card out of my computer and set it on fire.

Please. If you plan on going to Valkurm Dunes, you must take one of two precautions:

1) prepare yourself for the sheer madness you are about to experience

2) strike yourself about the face and head until you pass out

I, personally, would suggest number 2.


That's not a joke.

It'll save you time.


At 8:03 PM, Blogger Ravenholm said...

Sounds like hell, Dave. I vowed about a year ago that I would never return to Valkurm Dunes, and I intend to keep that vow.

Keep up the good work,


At 8:12 PM, Blogger Citizen Bleys said...

Stupidity does not stop at low levels. Overheard /shout traffic in Caedarva Mire:

Player 1: This place is overcrowded!
Player 2: Oh wow, Sherlock Holmes is here!

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Razmo said...

There's nothing to say...dunes are teh suck...but its nowhere near the hell that Qufim Isle is...


At 8:15 PM, Blogger Julia said...

The title says it all ... what a perfect way to describe it. I'm liking these "[GM]Dave as a noob stories."

At 8:57 PM, Blogger Sakurafire said...

Not as bad as a level 12 RDM Tarutaru tanking. That was my first experience in Valkurm. I deleveled to 10 before I decided to scrap the Taru and quit FFXI. Here I am two years later. ^^;; Still playing it.

At 9:24 PM, Blogger azza said...

haha, im a WOW player and your story reminds me of a place called the Barrens. the barrens is a place where you can get from level 6-30 basically HUGE area and filled with more spam and rediculous comment than you could think of in a lifetime.

Im sure Chuck Norris jokes were born there.

At 9:27 PM, Blogger azza said...

ok that was some extremly bad punctuatuationa and sentence structure. The curse of the 2 fingered touch typist hehe

At 10:05 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Oh my, the memories of Valkrum. I don't remember it being that bad when I started, but after going there for my subjob, and worse, as a Bard (after a good 50 lvls of whming) I realized exactly how stupid people are there. Ah well, stupid is as stupid does. Which is get parties killed. Twice.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

thats why i solo'd DRG to 18.

oh and Razmo, Quifim can be fun with a good party, as long as the puller doesnt wind up bringing 5 pugil back to camp instead of 1...

At 11:42 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

Ravenholm!!! *squeal* You WILL return to Valkurm Dunes one day! I simply demand it! :-P Go level with my smn. ^.^

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

Btw... <3 to [GM]Dave. I recently started levelling pld after a long time away from the Dunes, and so I've had to once again experience the pain that you went through. It sucks when you're not supposed to be tank with a particular job, but it sucks even more when you're a tank, you know your job, and the morons in your party don't know what the fuck they're doing, and end up making your party wipe.

What's sad is when you're in one of these parties with LS members that have multiple jobs 70+, and you STILL wipe. I swear, noobs come in all shapes and sizes, and at all levels of experience. >.> I <3 my retarded friends. <.<

At 12:45 AM, Blogger Darktower said...

"What's sad is when you're in one of these parties with LS members that have multiple jobs 70+, and you STILL wipe. I swear, noobs come in all shapes and sizes, and at all levels of experience. >.> I <3 my retarded friends"

I hate it when it turns out an ls member sucks at their job. Especially since you can't just go off on them the same way you could a random pt member.

At 1:01 AM, Blogger Reeree said...

I can't wait till Dave gets to the Jungle and comes face to face with the dreaded Goblin Smithy.

At 1:57 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

Hate valkurm. once I got NIN to it, I hat the pleasure of being in a party with a SMN..../WAR.... at least his sub was leveled, but he had no avatars and was fighting with a staff.... I left that party... ok, so I blew myself up, forced DC and went to go beat up on some small carby-like animals.

Not to mention the sheer number of PLs in the dunes... god, I say you can only be PLed if you have at least one job 30+, and got it there without a PL.... Seriously, if I hear the phrase "Wow, we're getting good EXP even without a PL" at level 45 again, I'm going to scream...

At 2:10 AM, Blogger nano said...

Some shouts from the other day..

Player1> honk honk honk
Player2> STFU
Player1> blah blah blah
Player2> STFU!
Player3> woohoo!
Player2> *S*T*F*U*
etc etc...
Player4> casts Noobga on the dunes

Player4 was our tank. Our very brave taru ninja tank, fighting Pugils. Can anyone say 'That Screwdriver did more than my total HP'? Amazingly, he only died 3 times.

Option 2 gets my vote.

At 4:11 AM, Blogger Kerensky said...

close enough to the same for me. though when lving the other jobs aka new ones i found another trend.. that would be power levelers.. and not just a few every party must have one it is a new dune ideal.. bring in a high lv person so you get out of the dunes in a day or so.. 7lv's in one party.. it was soo boring.. I'm a blu.. blm lv 73 tells me stop drawing hate.. but I'm not I'm just hitting the fker .. stop Using all my mp noob... ok then you will kill it right? .. no I can't do damage to it..

heh. now when the party ended I came back as a 75 rdm and showed what real poerleveing is.. heh.. my style..

noob rng: cast haste on me now!
kerensky: why?
noob2 pld: don't listen to him cast it on me I'm the tank!
noob3 mnk: ya he is the tank but I'm the dd I need it, it's not like you can kill it.
(now this is where they are wrong)
kerensky cast blazespikes
kerensky cast cure IV
kerensky cast cure IV
kerensky cast cure IV
kerensky: now that I have agro and will keep it I think I have killed it.. and your xp from the mob any more compaints? I see not.

acualy they did so I left them to die.. that is play on their own.

remimber power lving is wrong don't pwr lv noobs.

At 4:34 AM, Blogger Cyberdragon said...

Valkurm idn't quite that bad, but the potential for Hell on Vandiel is definately always hovering there dependant on party. I prefer it to Qufim Island marginally.
BTW Dyamalos Regarding the Sum/War please slap him repeatedly until stuipity is knocked out of him. The thought of no added mana nor backup healing ability on such a fine job nearly shut my brain down. Although since it's lvl 20 avatar fights as a summoner to get other summons I can cut him slack on only having Carby until level 20. (After all we don't all have a hord of 65+ friends to walk us through the full sized battles you can get without soloing.)

At 5:20 AM, Blogger Zerran said...

Ahh the dunes...I hated the dunes. My poor little Taru black mage was found face down in the sand more times than a hooker on a sedative...

At 5:21 AM, Blogger Zerran said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 6:22 AM, Blogger Keilyn said...

In WoW, the alliance also has a worst chat place. It's Elwynn forest which is where humans begin leveling. You just don't have to stay there until 30...and truth be told there are a million things to do in the barrens, but you can leave before 30. The chat is just mind numbing. *shakes head* In eq2, I tended to just turn the general chat off. My brother's still trying to get me to play FF11....I don't know. I just don't know.

At 7:49 AM, Blogger Avrial said...

I remember my experience in Valkurm. I kinda liked it. I think when I went in, I managed to find the 1/1000-chance parties. The ones that happened to know all the skillchains that could be done at lower level. The ones that had established some knowledge of hate. The ones that weren't retarded.

But then I went to Qufim and things got ultra-retarded. It was as though you could throw cool-looking-but-crappy armor on the ground and all the tanks would bang their heads together jumping for it. And all my parties wanted to wander blindly into the Tower... no-one had a map but me. But no-one listens to the nuke.

At 8:06 AM, Blogger Sharrah said...

Dave, have you ever tried to explain the game to someone who has never played?

At 8:27 AM, Blogger m365 said...

Wow, I'm still having these kind of problems in East Altepa Desert and Crawlers Nest.
Good work on all of this, always looking forward to a new update, I don't know how you manage to keep these coming so frequently and still remain hilarious. Peace!

At 9:46 AM, Blogger creature124 said...

egh. there is a reason ive been playing for a whole month and not got past lvl 18.

Valkurm Dunes is that reason.

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Kyodai said...

I don't usually do this, but Kerensky, you're a cock. Casting Blaze Spikes, taking aggro, and letting your spikes kill it means that the mob now considers you have attacked it. Remember what happens when a high level job attacks something a low level job is trying to xp off? That's right! You reduced their XP to nothing. Real powerleveling? Your "Style"? Please. you're as idiotic as most of the stereotypes Dave exaggerates. A high level job is not a licence to be an asshole.

At 10:02 AM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

Kyodai, I think he's aware that he takes the exp away from the party. Notice he said there was bitching, THEN blaze spikes, cure4, cure4, cure4. I think the point was to teach them not to bitch at the PL, but to appreciate what you've got. And if you can't be nice to a PL, you either learn how to play the game without one and survive on your own, or you don't and you die.

At 10:40 AM, Blogger Walker said...

yeah he meant to cast blaze spikes to take away their exp :P

Great blog again Dave.

At 11:20 AM, Blogger nano said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:53 PM, Blogger Valle said...

Player3>> Lvl 14 RDM/ 5 WAR looking for group.
Player4>> Level your sub, you n00b.
Player4>> Level 16 BLM/ 6 MNK looking for group.

That bit really cracked me up!

At 7:22 PM, Blogger Raine said...

There is a dave on my server...could it be daves home character? O.o;;

At 7:23 PM, Blogger Raven said...

I randomly get the idea some days to level a lower level job than my 53SAM... I think all these random ideas get eatten in the dunes...

At 11:59 AM, Blogger CoolMatty said...

Back in the last days of my account, while doing far more important things, I'd run FFXI on my laptop, and just raise people with my WHM in the dunes. That is, to those who weren't retarded and deserved the help.

I had fun doing that, probably the most fun I'd had in the dunes...

At 7:13 PM, Blogger Behemoth said...

I've been reading your blog for a while and cant stop laughing at some of the things people do, and what their stupidity puts you through. Although I'd love to be able to feed people to dragons, but sadly I'm but a lowly Dragoon. Ehhh, close enough. Any way, I'm ealing with what you were dealing with with Valkurm cept I can only play at night and thats kinda bad for a mostly english speaking 15 year old kid on summer break to deal with with. Mostly Jap players on at night and its kind of hard when you cant even tell what symbol there using is.

Keep on with the awsome stories man.


At 12:23 AM, Blogger Vendetta said...

Unfortunately, "GM Dave" Does not exist and it is confirmed. I can't devulge how, but it is interesting that he seems to have some slight knowlege of GM protocols. Either A. He could possibly Be a Gm under another name that has a scarcastic person within the usual standard procedures of being the customer service ortiented GM or B. Good Bullcrapper. Regardless of it all, I still consider his content entertaining and commend him on good laughs.

At 12:24 AM, Blogger Vendetta said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:23 PM, Blogger Jordan said...

My favorite Valkurm Retardation experience is the WAR that refused to Provoke.

"If I voke, then the monsters will attack me."
"That's the point of being the tank."
"But no one is healing me when we fight!"
"Well the WHM would heal you if the monsters would stop attacking him long enough so that he wouldn't have to heal himself. That's where you and your vokes come in. Do you see where we're headed with this now?"


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