Valkurm DOOMI didn't walk into Valkurm Dunes completely unaware.
I did my homework before starting the game. You know, checking up on all of the FFXI forums I could find.
There were enough threads about the ultimate suckfest that is the dunes that I managed to figure out that it was a bad place to go.
I'm smart like that.
Still, if you want to make it from level 12 to level 20, you really don't have a lot of choice.
So, after my incident with Lumbering Lambert, I figured it couldn't be that bad.
I was wrong.
Just zoning into the area makes you feel dirty.
It's as if the very air itself is saturated in stupid. You can actually feel your IQ dropping.
And the shouting... Oh dear lord, the shouting.
Player1>> Raise needed!
Player1>> By the beach.
Player2>> This entire place is a beach.
Player1>> By the palm trees.
Player2>> There's a hundred palm trees.
Player3>> Lvl 14 RDM/ 5 WAR looking for group.
Player4>> Level your sub, you n00b.
Player4>> Level 16 BLM/ 6 MNK looking for group.
Player2>> I still can't find you.
Player1>> We're on the freakin' beach.
Player2>> What's the position of the dead body?
Player1>> He's kind of lying down.
Now, take that conversation and multiply it by a million.
Then, hit yourself in the face with a ballpeen hammer.
That's what it's like to be in Valkurm.
My first time in Valkurm was enlightening.
Just as I was about to zone in, another player zoned out. He was nearly dead and immediately rested.
Not thinking too much of it, I stepped forward and entered the Dunes.
And came face to face with three goblins.
Three unhappy goblins.
Did I mention they were unhappy?
So, I'm in San d'Oria again.
I manage to walk all the way back to Valkurm and, this time, I get ready to run for my life as I zoned in.
No goblins this time.
I throw up my flag and after a few minutes, I get my first invite.
Truly, this man must be a poet.
Still, I really wanted to join my first group. I could smell the trouble coming, but my lust for experience points got the better of me.
Dave>> Hey, guys.
Dave>> What are we fighting?
Leader>> Not sure yet.
Leader>> We need you to tank.
Did I mention I was playing Red Mage?
And that I had no sub?
Leader>> You can do it.
Leader>> Trust me.
I reluctantly agree and we head for the coastline to fight some crabs.
Well... at least it's not bunnies.
We start fighting crabs and it is immediately and glaringly obvious that I will not suffice as a tank. Hate is jumping around everywhere and I'm taking way too much damage.
Despite all odds, though, I'm managing to stay alive.
We're just ending a fight with a particularly difficult crab and the mages are really suffering. They had practically no MP left.
We all kneeled to heal a bit.
Well... not all of us.
Puller>> (( Found it. )) --> Pugil! Pulling!
Dave>> What's a pugil?
Apparently, a pugil is a large, extremely ugly fish that likes to one shot Red Mages to death on a beach.
Good to know.
So, we all die. Five of us Homepoint to the nearby outpost and get ready to go again.
You'll notice I said five.
Unfortunately, a group is composed of six people.
WhiteMage>> I'm not homepointing.
WhiteMage>> Find me a Raise.
Dave>> There're no higher level White Mages in the area.
Dave>> We can't get a Raise.
WhiteMage>> I'm not homepointing.
WhiteMage>> You'd better find someone.
Dave>> Seriously, man.
Dave>> By the time we find someone AND they raise you...
Dave>> We could have made a ton of exp.
WhiteMage>> I don't care.
Dave>> What the hell is wrong with you?
Dave>> Why won't you homepoint?
WhiteMage>> I can't.
WhiteMage>> I set my homepoint in Bastok.
Dave>> WHAT THE HELL?!
Dave>> Why would you do that?!
WhiteMage>> So I wouldn't have to walk.
Dave>> You're retarded.
WhiteMage>> Just find a raise.
Dave>> I'll just pull another White Mage out of my ass!
WhiteMage>> You're such a n00b.
I swear to God, if I had had a dragon that day, he'd still be being digested.
The entire party broke down because of one extremely idiotic White Mage. One jerk who was too selfish (and stupid) to set his homepoint nearby.
It was everything I could do not to yank the network card out of my computer and set it on fire.
Please. If you plan on going to Valkurm Dunes, you must take one of two precautions:
1) prepare yourself for the sheer madness you are about to experience
2) strike yourself about the face and head until you pass out
I, personally, would suggest number 2.
That's not a joke.
It'll save you time.