From [GM]Dave's Mailbox*ahem*
One of the interesting aspects of writing this blog is the mail I get from time to time.
It seems something about my blog makes me seem approachable and willing to listen to strangers' problems.
I don't get it either.
Seriously. What about these stories makes it seem like I like talking to random people?
Am I too nice?
Now, I don't mind hearing from some people. If you're cool about it, we'll get along fine.
I mean, we're not going to be bestest friends, but I may not feed you to a dragon.
For me, that's a big step.
But no. For every cool e-mail I get, there's a myriad of pointless, brainless, senseless notes from people who "need my help".
You don't need my help.
You need a therapist and more sunlight.
If you're e-mailing me to tell me you like the blog or just drop me a note, that's cool. I like hearing from normal people as it helps keep me in touch with the common man.
I tend to lose touch with you mere mortals.
If you're e-mailing me to fix your sad, broken character/account/life, that's not cool.
And by "not cool", I mean "super pathetic".
Listen. I'm sure you're cool...
Well... I'm sure you think you're cool.
But I'm not hear to listen to your problems.
I'm here to feed morons to dragons.
I like my job.
I don't like hearing about how Pacey stole your girlfriend or whatever the hell passes for drama in your life.
Let's take a look at just a few of the e-fails I have received over the past few weeks.
All names have been changed to protect the monumentally retarded.
1) My account gotz stoled
I need your help. My account was recently stolen and I don't know what to do. I gave my personal information to someone I thought I could trust and they stabbed me in the back. I know it was stupid to give my account information to someone I'd only known for two weeks, but I thought we were friends.
Now, my account has been hijacked and my passwords have been changed. The character I worked so hard on is now in someone else's hands.
You have to help me.
Robbed in Ronfaure
Dear Robbed in Ronfaure,
You don't need my help. You need a smack in the head and a high school education.
Who would be stupid enough to give out their account information? Did you eat a lot of paste as a child?
You gave away your account info. You knew it was stupid. You knew you shouldn't do it. You can't turn around and act surprised that someone took advantage of your incredibly low IQ.
To be honest, I'd ban the guy if he didn't steal your account. This is natural selection at work. The dishonest pick off the weakest (read: dumbest) members of the herd.
It's the circle of life.
Here's what you do: turn off the computer, go outside, and get some sun. You know, sun. That big, yellow firey thing in the sky.
Thanks for writing.
You fail at life,
2) Help me, I got banned/The Bribe
My account got banned for no apparent reason (Editor's note: by "no apparent reason", I can only assume this person means "being ultra-retarded"). I was wondering if you could reopen my account.
I'll make it worth your while.
Banned in Bastok
Dear Banned in Bastok,
Let me get this straight. You got banned for being stupid. Your solution for this was to e-mail someone who bans stupid people and then explain how stupid you are.
That's a great plan.
Could you just do us both a favor and strike yourself in the head several times? You'll know it's time to stop when you smell burnt toast and start to twitch.
Damn, man. You got banned for being retarded. You can stop now.
You fail at life,
3) My "girlfriend" dumped me
I met this girl (Editor's Note: by girl, I'm sure he means a person with a penis who pretends to be a girl) in-game and we started dating. Slowly, we fell in love and started sharing items and money. We were truly in love.
Then, she takes all of my stuff and leaves me. She didn't even have the decency to say goodbye and now, all of my stuff is gone.
Could you please get my stuff back and then ban her?
Broken in Beadeaux
Dear Broken in Beadeaux,
You were not in love. You met a random person online and then gave away all of your stuff. This happened because you were stupid.
Accept that you lost your stuff. Call it a new Retard Tax.
Also, you should be glad that you're not getting banned for being retarded.
You fail at life,
P.S. btw, you're getting banned for being retarded.
Now, before you start saying to yourself that these couldn't possibly be real, I want to assure you that these are indeed e-fails that I have received since starting this blog.
I would not lie about it because there's no need to.
My inbox makes me doubt for the future of mankind.
Luckily, these tards are going to give me an aneurysm and kill me long before they can destroy society.
I love my job.
I hate people.