Tuesday, May 16, 2006

From [GM]Dave's Mailbox

*ahem*

One of the interesting aspects of writing this blog is the mail I get from time to time.

It seems something about my blog makes me seem approachable and willing to listen to strangers' problems.

I don't get it either.

Seriously. What about these stories makes it seem like I like talking to random people?

Am I too nice?

Too sweet?

Too fair?

Now, I don't mind hearing from some people. If you're cool about it, we'll get along fine.

I mean, we're not going to be bestest friends, but I may not feed you to a dragon.

For me, that's a big step.

But no. For every cool e-mail I get, there's a myriad of pointless, brainless, senseless notes from people who "need my help".

You don't need my help.

You need a therapist and more sunlight.

If you're e-mailing me to tell me you like the blog or just drop me a note, that's cool. I like hearing from normal people as it helps keep me in touch with the common man.

I tend to lose touch with you mere mortals.

If you're e-mailing me to fix your sad, broken character/account/life, that's not cool.

And by "not cool", I mean "super pathetic".

Listen. I'm sure you're cool...

Well... I'm sure you think you're cool.

But I'm not hear to listen to your problems.

I'm here to feed morons to dragons.

I like my job.

I don't like hearing about how Pacey stole your girlfriend or whatever the hell passes for drama in your life.

Let's take a look at just a few of the e-fails I have received over the past few weeks.

All names have been changed to protect the monumentally retarded.


1) My account gotz stoled

Dear [GM]Dave,

I need your help. My account was recently stolen and I don't know what to do. I gave my personal information to someone I thought I could trust and they stabbed me in the back. I know it was stupid to give my account information to someone I'd only known for two weeks, but I thought we were friends.

Now, my account has been hijacked and my passwords have been changed. The character I worked so hard on is now in someone else's hands.

You have to help me.

Robbed in Ronfaure


Dear Robbed in Ronfaure,

You don't need my help. You need a smack in the head and a high school education.

Who would be stupid enough to give out their account information? Did you eat a lot of paste as a child?

You gave away your account info. You knew it was stupid. You knew you shouldn't do it. You can't turn around and act surprised that someone took advantage of your incredibly low IQ.

To be honest, I'd ban the guy if he didn't steal your account. This is natural selection at work. The dishonest pick off the weakest (read: dumbest) members of the herd.

It's the circle of life.

Here's what you do: turn off the computer, go outside, and get some sun. You know, sun. That big, yellow firey thing in the sky.

Thanks for writing.

You fail at life,
[GM]Dave


2) Help me, I got banned/The Bribe

Dear [GM]Dave,

My account got banned for no apparent reason (Editor's note: by "no apparent reason", I can only assume this person means "being ultra-retarded"). I was wondering if you could reopen my account.

I'll make it worth your while.

Banned in Bastok


Dear Banned in Bastok,

Let me get this straight. You got banned for being stupid. Your solution for this was to e-mail someone who bans stupid people and then explain how stupid you are.

That's a great plan.

Could you just do us both a favor and strike yourself in the head several times? You'll know it's time to stop when you smell burnt toast and start to twitch.

Damn, man. You got banned for being retarded. You can stop now.

You fail at life,
[GM]Dave


3) My "girlfriend" dumped me

Dear [GM]Dave,

I met this girl (Editor's Note: by girl, I'm sure he means a person with a penis who pretends to be a girl) in-game and we started dating. Slowly, we fell in love and started sharing items and money. We were truly in love.

Then, she takes all of my stuff and leaves me. She didn't even have the decency to say goodbye and now, all of my stuff is gone.

Could you please get my stuff back and then ban her?

Broken in Beadeaux


Dear Broken in Beadeaux,

You were not in love. You met a random person online and then gave away all of your stuff. This happened because you were stupid.

Accept that you lost your stuff. Call it a new Retard Tax.

Also, you should be glad that you're not getting banned for being retarded.

You fail at life,
[GM]Dave

P.S. btw, you're getting banned for being retarded.


Now, before you start saying to yourself that these couldn't possibly be real, I want to assure you that these are indeed e-fails that I have received since starting this blog.

I would not lie about it because there's no need to.

My inbox makes me doubt for the future of mankind.

Luckily, these tards are going to give me an aneurysm and kill me long before they can destroy society.

I love my job.

I hate people.

26 Comments:

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Artos said...

Dear [GM]Dave,

My LS doesn't do HNM runs. Can you make them?

Sincerely,

The Unsincere

 
At 7:48 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

I love you.

*Wipes tears out of eyes from laughing*

 
At 7:54 PM, Blogger Para said...

I found a quote while looking for some name to tack on to a stupid comment so you can ban some moron.

'Rakasakusha
Posted 5/16/2006 1:22:05 PM
message detail sooo i'm a male elvaan. of course.

anyways, i want to change the motion of my job abilities from the super saiyin lookin thing to the end motion of the ninjutsu cast...anyway to do that?

why? because pointing at the mob when you tell your fenrir to eat it is so much cooler. also, warcry, etc XD'

I go to his profile:

'Signature Player>> No, but I do study the asian culture extensively.
[GM]Dave>> Anime and an ample Hentai collection isn't studying.'

...

http://boards.gamefaqs.com/gfaqs/genmessage.php?board=555735&topic=28139965

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger BocoChocobo said...

"To be honest, I'd ban the guy if he didn't steal your account. This is natural selection at work. The dishonest pick off the weakest (read: dumbest) members of the herd."

For shame, for shame. I would have thought this is exactly what you didn't want to see happen. Culling the weak is your job. Why, if you could trust the players to do it for you, what would you do during work (see also: whiskey binges) to pass the time?

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger sanjula said...

dude, you are effing hilarious. you are my idol.

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger Caelasma said...

Thanks to you, I've taken up on "helping" people in game. Tractor + Raise is not a good thing for me to have. People die. And then they die again. and again. and again.
Caelasma >> {Raise} {Do you need it?}
Idiot >> {Yes, please}
Caelasma begins casting tractor on idiot.
Idiot >> What is this for?
Caelasma >> Oh this isn't a permitted raising area, I have to take you to somewhere that is

also known as a gob camp, or pretty much anything that will rip your face off/rape you/eat you.

Idiot >> Oh ok.

Several Tractors Later

Caelasma begins casting Raise on Idiot.
Idiot >> There's aggroing stuff here
Caelasma >> Don't worry you won't get aggro
Goblin Smithy hits Idiot for 80 points of damage.
Idiot was defeated by the Goblin Smithy.
Caelasma >> Oops I was wrong, let's try that again
Caelasma begins casting Raise on Idiot.
Goblin Smithy hits Idiot for 76 points of damage.
Idiot was defeated by the Goblin Smithy.
Caelasma >> Oops I was wrong, let's try that again
Goblin Smithy hits Idiot for 84 points of damage.
Idiot was defeated by the Goblin Smithy.
Caelasma >> {I'm sorry} {I don't speak any English} {No more MP!} {Take care.} {See you again!}
Caelasma starts casting Warp on Caelasma.

So in the end they get what they deserve, learn that there is no designated raising area, and that they just lost a level or two. Black Mages have quite the power now. Anyway, I bet these people will be sending you emails soon so when they do, you can broadcast their stupidity for all the world to see. For all of you who are going to call him a bad person after my comment? we all know it's coming. You're retarded. Go read a book and get off your computer. Throw away your television. Kill yourself. You don't understand this blog.

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Steve said...

I love my job.

I hate people.


AMEN!

 
At 8:57 PM, Blogger Andy said...

"P.S. btw, you're getting banned for being retarded."
Are you retarded for saying that? I LOVE your blog so much, I've read 'em all, and loved each one. But honestly, pick between "P.S." and "btw". They are the same thing, in case you haven't noticed.

Other than that, you're completely awesome :D

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger Jing said...

Accept that you lost your stuff. Call it a new Retard Tax.

lol my friend owes alot of money to this tax i wonder how hes been avoiding you [gm]dave as you are the collector...along with your dragon.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger Reeree said...

P.S. is the time-honored traditional abbreviation for the Latin "postscriptum" or "Post Script" in English

btw is Internet shorthand for "by the way"

These are not the same thing, and if you cannot wrap your infantile minds around the subtle nuances of the English language, expect yourself to be banned for being retarded sooner or later.

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger Nu-Hir said...

I think it was said best in Clerks, "This job would be great, if it weren't for the fucking customers."

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger WindexHamster said...

"Could you just do us both a favor and strike yourself in the head several times? You'll know it's time to stop when you smell burnt toast and start to twitch."


Words cannot describe my love for the poet who strung that together.

XD

 
At 3:53 AM, Blogger A. said...

!
This is funniest thing I have read all day. Possibly all week.

I'm now in love with you.

Seriously hilarious.

 
At 4:17 AM, Blogger Hutea said...

I would not lie about it because there's no need to.

Sometimes..life writes the jokes for you.. ;)

 
At 6:20 AM, Blogger Kage said...

Oh man. I'd LOVE to get e-mails like that. Oh, the things I could say. I'm already laughing maniacally.

*thunder booms and evil organ music plays*

 
At 6:23 AM, Blogger Espii said...

Davey, one day I'ma kidnap you and keep you in a shoe box. Then show you off to all my friends. :D You sexy beast, you.

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger Pascal said...

Andy:

PS means Post Scriptum (after the write)
BTW means By The Way

they don't look the same for me, retard!

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger Aakawolf said...

Wait! No! Don't have an aneurism!

... who'll feed the poor, poor dragons?

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger lasthemy said...

"I'll make it worth your while."

Ah, the last resort of the innocent...

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger timetodia said...

lmao....i wish i wus a gm so i culd do evil thing to people. x+D
Owell...I'm to insane for such a thing.

 
At 7:01 PM, Blogger Phrawgz said...

Im sorry about this in advance to all of you who would defend the honorable Dave to the death but i am only trying to further his knowledge in hopes that he will entertain you all even more effectively in the future.

As an additional forward, I would like to express my own devotion to this blog and my utter reverence for the demigod by the name of Dave.(my offspring is in the mail sir, please do with it what you will)

Now, down to business.
In this update, I regret to inform you, you used the word myriad incorrectly. The proper use of the term is as a substitute for the word "many" whereas you used it as a substitute for the word "bunch."

That said, i will continue reading these 1337 postz. Dont p00nz0rz me [GM] Davidianz, 1 wuz 0n1y try1ng to h3lp.

peace.

 
At 1:24 AM, Blogger TriEdge said...

I can 'relate' to the idiocy of people who give away their account info to friends.
I can't believe how stupid some of them are :S

I was in an HnM for a while, we had 2 leaders, 1 sub leader and a 'friend' of the leaders who hosted the LS bank, obviously the friend gave all of her account info to the 2 leaders, and what do you know, they stole all her shit (hell they even stole her credit card info and abused it)

Another friend gave all her info out to her 'boyfriend' (by boyfriend i mean offcourse a hume male who sexed her up for gil) and bam, she got everything stolen

Another friend again 'mt'd her account info into LS, next day she had lost Vermillion Cloak, all 8 +1 ele staves, noble's tunic, serket ring and a few other goodies

And then there was the guy who willingly gave away his account info to all of his LS, then proceeded to piss every single one of them off and then got shocked when he got robbed.

I love your blog

And I fucking HATE people

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger blackfolks said...

ALL GMs SUCK COCK, GMs DONT DO SHIT FOR US PLAYERS, I HOPE ALL YOU FAG FUCKS DIE IN UR SLEEP TONIGHT AND EVERYNIGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP, FUCK YOU FAGGET MUTHERFUCKERS AND IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT I SAID, COME HOLLA AT ME ON LAKHSMI OR W/E ITS SPELLED MY NAME IS SHARPS, FUCK YOU NIGGERS

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger blackfolks said...

ALL GMs SUCK COCK, GMs DONT DO SHIT FOR US PLAYERS, I HOPE ALL YOU FAG FUCKS DIE IN UR SLEEP TONIGHT AND EVERYNIGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP, FUCK YOU FAGGET MUTHERFUCKERS AND IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT I SAID, COME HOLLA AT ME ON LAKHSMI OR W/E ITS SPELLED MY NAME IS SHARPS, FUCK YOU NIGGERS

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger blackfolks said...

ALL GMs SUCK COCK, GMs DONT DO SHIT FOR US PLAYERS, I HOPE ALL YOU FAG FUCKS DIE IN UR SLEEP TONIGHT AND EVERYNIGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP, FUCK YOU FAGGET MUTHERFUCKERS AND IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT I SAID, COME HOLLA AT ME ON LAKHSMI OR W/E ITS SPELLED MY NAME IS SHARPS, FUCK YOU NIGGERS

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger Mod-Psyche said...

1. Key next to 'A'.

2. Your grasp of the English Language is enough to make a Chinese man weep.

3. Contrary to popular belief, the Internet is not populated solely by black people.

4. You gave your character name and server. That's just guaranteed months of hate from [GM]Dave's fans.

5. Same as 4. But instead, [GM]Dave knows where to look if Jormy gets a little hungry.

 

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