FanboysAlternate Title: "Oh dear lord."
I don't like critics.
I'm pretty sure we've established that.
The mindless blathering and rambling of whiny little bitches constantly complaining is one of the few (read: many) reasons I drink.
I drink a lot.
But every coin has two sides.
Unfortunately for me, the other side of this coin is just more annoying.
For every critic, there's a fanboy.
They're just like people only not worth the oxygen they're using.
Now, that's not to say fans. Oh no, fans are much different.
See, I like fans.
But how do you know if you might be a fanboy?
Here's a little quiz for you.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
When I read [GM]Dave's blog, I:
a) laugh at the jokes and perhaps make a nice post
b) don't find it funny and post criticism
c) wish that [GM]Dave and I were best friends so that he could come to my birthday party and it would be the bestest party ever cause [GM]Dave is so awesome and I want him to have my babies, even though I'm totally a guy.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
If you answered A, you are a fan. I like you. We're cool.
If you answered B, you are a critic. I don't like you. I'm cool.
If you answered C, you're a fanboy. I hate you. Hold yourself under water until you get sleepy.
Note: making the standard "have my babies" post does not immediately qualify you as a fanboy.
The trouble starts when you're serious.
About once a day, I get a fanboy call. These aren't the people who call to be fed to a dragon.
These are people who suddenly think they can be my sidekick or something.
What is wrong with people?
GM Call Description: Need to speak with [GM]Dave
I was in a good mood when this person called. I had just finished off a report (read: bottle of Jack Daniels), and was feeling pretty good.
So why not answer this call?
Apparently, my fanboy alarms were down.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What can I help you with?
[GM]Dave>> Oh what?
[GM]Dave>> Oh... You're a moron.
Player>> I LOVE YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Love is a little strong.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to go with cautious tolerance.
Player>> YOU ARE AWESOME!
[GM]Dave>> Question: are you using a standard keyboard?
[GM]Dave>> Good. Good.
[GM]Dave>> Could you hit the key just to the left of 'A'?
[GM]Dave>> It's a magic key marked "sound less retarded."
Player>> Like this?
[GM]Dave>> You can be taught.
[GM]Dave>> I guess your math teacher was wrong.
Player>> I love you, [GM]Dave.
[GM]Dave>> That's good.
[GM]Dave>> Could you hold on a second?
Player>> Sure. Why?
[GM]Dave>> Got to warm up my stun gun.
Player>> You're funny.
[GM]Dave>> You're scary.
Player>> You should totally let me write a blog story.
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly would I do that?
Player>> It would be hilarious.
Player>> I could be a GM, too.
[GM]Dave>> *warms up stun gun*
Player>> It would be so much fun.
Player>> We could be partners.
[GM]Dave>> I have a partner.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like to meet him?
Player>> HELL YEAH!
[GM]Dave>> Key next to 'A'.
Player>> Are you going to feed me to Jormungand?
[GM]Dave>> The thought had crossed my mind.
Player>> THAT IS SO COOL!
[GM]Dave>> You're absolutely retarded.
Player>> This is sooooooo awesome.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else is awesome?
Jormungand hits Player for 11,856 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
[GM]Dave>> Dragons are, like, totally awesome.
Player>> Can we be friends?
I like having you people as fans.
But, honestly, we're not going to be bestest buds or whatever other crap you write in your diary.
If you act cool, then we'll be cool.
Cool meaning "a lack of dragon-related injuries".
If you go fanboy on me, I'm going to have to put you down.
For society's sake.