Thursday, May 25, 2006

It's a Nice Day For a White Wedding

Dammit. Now that song is stuck in my head.

Damn you, Billy Idol. DAMN YOU!

Anyway, as you may already have guessed, I recently got to take part in an in-game wedding.

No, no. I was not the groom.

/equip "Ball and Chain" Legs

(( Thanks for the offer, but I'll have to pass. ))

It honestly got me thinking about the process of in-game weddings.

The whole system is kind of strange.

Now, if you already know the other person, then an in-game wedding is cool. I mean, you're in a committed relationship and want to express it via your characters.

It's sweet, really.

But, if you don't know them, the whole thing becomes just a wee bit scary.

And no, chatting with them online does not count as "knowing them."

Let's not even start about internet romances.

You want insight into an internet relationship? I can explain it very clearly.

You're both men.

One or both of you is pretending to be a woman.

One or both of you lives in your parents' basement.

One or both of you looks nothing like you say you do.

One or both of you is going to suggest getting together.

One or both of you is going to be very, very, very disappointed.

And that's an internet relationship in a nutshell.

Psssssttt. She's (read: he's) not really a model, either.

Well... maybe a "before" model.

And by "before," I mean "before the operation."

And by "before the operation," I mean "she has a penis."

Unless you're a fan of swordfighting, you might want to get the hell out now.

Meeting someone over the internet is like going to a restaurant you've never been to and picking something randomly off the menu.

You don't know what you're getting, you're probably not going to like it, and you won't know until it's already in your mouth.

Okay... that analogy sounded less graphic in my head.

My point is that anyone you meet over the internet is a stranger. Even after those hours and hours and hours you spent talking, they are still a stranger.

So, I find the whole idea of in-game weddings just plain hilarious.

My favorite are the stories that go "I met her, I fell in love, we got married, she had a penis, she took all of my stuff."

These are not isolated incidents. This happens quite often.

You realllllllllllly take your life into your own hands when you get hooked up with someone in-game.

Unfortunately for one cute little couple (of guys), I decided to officiate their wedding.

Lucky them.

Yesterday evening, just before 7 pm, the "bride" and groom, along with their invited guests started to arrive at the Chapel in San d'Oria.

Seeing the Temple Knight NPC preparing to deliver the service, I made a few quick changes and removed him from the area.

And took his place.

[GM]Dave>> Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
Groom>> Wait...
Groom>> Isn't an NPC supposed to perform the ceremony?
[GM]Dave>> Usually, yes.
[GM]Dave>> But since you two read my blog, I made a change.
Groom>> We don't read your blog.
[GM]Dave>> Seriously?
[GM]Dave>> Not even once?
Groom>> Nope.
Bride>> I'm sure it's nice though.
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
Bride>> You can still do the service.
[GM]Dave>> Well, goody goody gum drops.
[GM]Dave>> Thank you, quote unquote miss.
Bride>> What do you mean by...
[GM]Dave>> Please stop interrupting.
[GM]Dave>> Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
[GM]Dave>> To join this man and this man...
Groom>> Woman.
[GM]Dave>> What?
Groom>> She's a woman.
[GM]Dave>> ... Yeah. Sure she is.
[GM]Dave>> Can I continue?
Groom>> I guess, yeah.
[GM]Dave>> We are gathered here today to join this man...
[GM]Dave>> And this man pretending to be a woman.
Bride>> HEY!!!
Groom>> Knock that off!
Groom>> She's a woman.
[GM]Dave>> Listen, man. It's cool with me.
[GM]Dave>> There's nothing wrong with it.
Groom>> SHE'S A WOMAN!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, okay.
[GM]Dave>> ... To join this man and this woman. Wink, wink.
Bride>> You Bastard!
[GM]Dave>> What now?
[GM]Dave>> Damn, you people whine.
Groom>> You called her a man again.
[GM]Dave>> I did not.
Groom>> You winked.
[GM]Dave>> You can't prove that.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, that...
[GM]Dave>> That you can prove.
Bride>> You're a terrible, terrible man.
[GM]Dave>> So are you.
Groom>> SHUT UP!!!
[GM]Dave>> Okay. I'll do it right.
[GM]Dave>> ... To join this man and this woman.
[GM]Dave>> Dear God, what now?
Groom>> You're doing air quotes!
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And...?
Bride>> I'M A WOMAN, DAMMIT!!!!!
[GM]Dave>> Calm down, buddy.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe we can work out a compromise.
[GM]Dave>> What if I say "Shim"?
Groom>> I HATE YOU!!!
[GM]Dave>> I know, I know!
[GM]Dave>> WoMAN.
[GM]Dave>> You can barely tell, right?
[GM]Dave>> Uh oh.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry, but we have to cut the ceremony short.
[GM]Dave>> Threatening a GM with physical violence is a crime.
[GM]Dave>> A serious crime.
Groom>> But you RUINED MY WEDDING!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you'll have a wedding.
[GM]Dave>> In Mordion Gaol.
Groom>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And you'll probably be the bride.
Groom>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!
[GM]Dave>> Let's find out.


[GM]Dave>> Okay, he's in Mordion Gaol.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have any questions?
Bride>> What happens now? *sob*
[GM]Dave>> Well, I just cleaned out his inventory and gil.
[GM]Dave>> You get half.
Bride>> ...
Bride>> I do?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> You are the "woman".
Bride>> Cool.
Bride>> I was getting sick of pretending anyway.
[GM]Dave>> I had a feeling.
Bride>> Thanks, man.
Bride>> I'm going to go mail this stuff to my main.
[GM]Dave>> How "far" did you go to get his stuff?
Bride>> Have you seen the price of Sniper Rings lately?

As I understand it, Jormungand and the Groom had a very lovely ceremony.

They're registered at the Goldsmithing Guild if you want to pick something up for them.


At 4:55 PM, Blogger cky2kenndel said...


At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol. I was laughing so hard my Wife* was wondering what was going on.

* Yes I'm *really* sure she doesn't have a penis. Trust me on this.

At 5:06 PM, Blogger BuzZ said...

LOL after LOL after LOL

I just had a brilliant idea, Dave. You should contact the cast of PurePwnage and request an appearance in one of their episodes...I'm sure you'd both benefit from it, plus I'm sure all the fans would enjoy it.

(in case you don't know, it's a funny series about gaming - FPS, MMO and RTS - and is pretty popular)

What'd'ya say?


At 5:11 PM, Blogger WhiteInferno said...

Oh. My. God.

*dies from laughter*

That was awesome.

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Rich said...

That has to be one of, if not THE best posts we've seen yet. You've got a great flare for the dramatic.

At 5:27 PM, Blogger lithpiperpilot said...

Unless you're a fan of swordfighting, you might want to get the hell out now.


Okay... that analogy sounded less graphic in my head.

It's a good thing you're funny. lol.

I especially like the ending. good work!

At 5:30 PM, Blogger Kew doh sigh said...

rofl great

At 6:02 PM, Blogger Keiten said...

Groom>> But you RUINED MY WEDDING!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you'll have a wedding.
[GM]Dave>> In Mordion Gaol.
Groom>> ...
[GM]Dave>> And you'll probably be the bride.

LOL! just LOL!

At 6:04 PM, Blogger Chronofantasy said...

Lmao, yeah, I agree and disagree with Online relationships, yet you can't say all the time they're pretending to be a girl.

I guess it's different if you saw them on webcam or talked to them on the phone. I'll be honest to say I've had some online relationships, then ended up meeting them irl, and they actually turned out to be the girl in the pic.

Average looking girls to my liking in preference, but those who show a pic of a model you may not want to believe.

Although I'd rather have a girlfriend irl who plays the game too. Then get married to her character ingame, rather than meeting some stranger ingame and getting hitched with them.

At 6:19 PM, Blogger sngirl said...

Hilarious as always.

Just had one thing to say.

Ririal's a guy!!! Helm, you fool! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

Wow this is the one story where I laughed the hardest. xD

Maybe tied with the "Perverts" and "[GM]Takana" ones.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Lmao, its funny cause it totally happens. Well, i mean, it would be funny anyway, but its extra funny because of the fact that it happens

At 7:02 PM, Blogger Lankist said...

"And by "before the operation," I mean "she has a penis.""

Genius. Pure and simple.

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Hutea said...

this is where I say I literally fell out of my chair laughing. (And anyone that knows me can tell ya, I have done that on occasion)

At 7:09 PM, Blogger TheDarkDonut said...

I'm glad I never had an in-game

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Steve said...

"Meeting someone over the internet is like going to a restaurant you've never been to and picking something randomly off the menu.

You don't know what you're getting, you're probably not going to like it, and you won't know until it's already in your mouth."

OMFG.... WOW... I... there are no words.... *claps*

At 9:46 PM, Blogger Petrograd said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 9:47 PM, Blogger Petrograd said...

You know, it's not always people pretending to be women. In Gaiaonline there's a fairly big gay community... was always pretty freaky when someone admitted to being a girl iRL. Their online boyfriends/husbands weren't happy about that either.

At 10:46 PM, Blogger Alyx said...

Poor people who forget this is the internet.
Perhaps Mordion Gaol refreshed their memories.

At 11:47 PM, Blogger Julia said...

I personally loved how you gave the bride half of his stuff. Too bad the guy didn't sign a prenup.

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

LOL I got married in the game and am married IRL...I KNOW HE has a penis and I have a....mmm...ok I'll stop now >.<

At 2:49 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

I heard raucous laughter coming from the study this morning. I figured the taxes were going well or there was a good [GM]Dave today. Gods I laughed! (Oh and the tax man gave £250 back)

Of course, this does mean that I may have to cancel the wedding I had planned to a cute Hume RDM (Well the RL hubby plays a Galka. Nuff said I think) Mindyou I thought my plan was cunning anyway.

'OKay! We'll get married when we reach 75 with WHM and RDM and in Corsair AF'

Of course, we were both in the 40's at the time and he didn't have ToAU.

Incidentally, I met my other half online. Both coders for an online game. I'm rather happy he had a penis irl.

At 3:16 AM, Blogger Orien said...

"Bride>> You're a terrible, terrible man.
[GM]Dave>> So are you."

applause man, very nice

At 4:27 AM, Blogger Mute said...


At 4:42 AM, Blogger Sakurafire said...

Wow, [GM]Dave... That was hilaruious! Especially when you found out the wife was a man. Pure gold. I'm sure he'll be happier with the dragon anyways... You know. Since it is bigger! Haha!

Seriously, though. Why choose to marry your characters, spend time with this person, when you don't know who you are? I've known several couples in my time playing, and most stay together because even thought their characters are married, they live with each other or are in a relationship. It works, sometimes it doesn't.

Or it could be like when an aquaintance of mine got married to this guy, not realizing that this aquaintance was fourty years old and mentally challenged. Man. That kid took that little bit of truth hard. Was funny though. I'm sure he'll get over it one day, after years of therapy.

At 5:04 AM, Blogger Rogue said...

. . . bwahahahahaha dude classic! Damn dude you are to wicked, but hey you bring up a truth that no one ever wants to face. I'd have to say about 90% of all "woman" in game are men. . . and the other 10% are working on becoming full "women". lol j/k ladies dont get butt hurt about it. . . Unless you like getting butt hurt. . .

At 7:26 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

This is by far the best post ever! I was laughing so hard I spit my coffee out. Thank you for making my day wonderful - what an awesome way to start Memorial Day Weekend!!!!!!

Have some beer for me!

At 8:23 AM, Blogger Sebb said...

I like this.

*Give Medal*

Dave you got the honour of sitting with me at the Captain's table.

See you there, 7 pm.

At 8:24 AM, Blogger misspriss said...

ROFL i was wondering when you would get around to in-game weddings...

As a female who plays a female character i can tell ya its amazing how often i get 'hit on' in game. All i can think when it happens is 'Damn this guy is sooooo pathetic' and i picture a fat, balding, middle-aged man picking his nose. Then i tell them i'm a guy just for laughs.

Nicely done as always /bow [GMDave]

At 8:24 AM, Blogger Sebb said...

(Gives* medal)
Get* the honour.

Mental note* Learn how to spell before I write anymore comments.

At 9:11 AM, Blogger Nimrod said...

Lol that's horrible XD

Only you could make something like that funny :p

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Elinea said...

That is just classic ---- too true!! My gosh I'm glad to be married in RL and not have to stoop to this foolishness. Thanks for stating what I've always thought.

At 11:19 AM, Blogger WHM of Death said...

as a real live breathing female (as verified my a GYN)who plays this game...i am familar with the Perv to Female ratio. I loved this story!! When a teenager who has spent too much time reading Henti...gets frisky i just tell them i am a guy...then the real fun begings!! Bow chikka wow wow

[GM]Dave we are not worthy to even breath your are a God

At 4:09 PM, Blogger Alerith said...

Cant stop crying lol. You sir, are a pure genius.

At 8:43 PM, Blogger catwho said...

The person my female character is engaged to is a woman in real life, even though her character is a boy . . . both her husband and my fiancé think we're the biggest dorks in the universe because we wanted to marry off our Tarutaru >_>; (I just wanted cheap wedding armor.)

Unfortunately, this still doesn't stop every male tarutaru of my aquaintance from hitting on my character.

At 2:41 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

lol yah it was great *as per usual*
I get hit on in the game..a LOT which annoys the hell out of my husband (keeps him on his toes and attentive) I just put on my Wedding Dress,the ring with HIS name on it and tell them *so sorry ..NOT! but I am taken!*
Daves assesment is extremely accurate. Most female characters are played by males....many hormonally charged that wanna ogle a pixle instead of getting a REAL girlfriend....the sad thing about internet "love" is that this person ONLY knows what you have told them about yourself.Same goes for the game.Making Internet friends is fun and intellectually fulfilling.The same applies to the game...I have had the unique opportunity to meet people from all over the world!It is always exciting to learn about exotic customs and traditions. Having said all often can conclude in a few sessions of chat who is worth speaking to again or NOT speaking to again...ever..did I mention ever? True over the internet you won't always know how people are (sex etc) however I am not a stupid person (I am many things...stupd is just not one of them)Have enough dialogue with someone and they will pretty much reveal themselves with things like(Oh MY GOD I have a date tonight and i forgot to shave!*This is where you ask them their legs or face ~.0

At 5:18 AM, Blogger Ziggurat said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 5:21 AM, Blogger Ziggurat said...

Dude you need to login to Fenrir and put some people in their place. Explain the rights/wrongs. Like this is a man, you're a man, you both have penises that do not go together, etc.

fircefairy - Why the hell does your husband get jealous on a online game? You may not be stupid...but...he must be scared you'll find your real Tarutaru Prince Charming who'll sweep you off your feet and take you from him.

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Sammy said...

The payoff at the end of this story was really funny, how the Bride actually turned out to be a man XD. I love it. (Note to self: never get married in-game. Just go to the weddings, and laugh...)

At 7:58 AM, Blogger VooPer said...

[GM] Dave Your are the Man! lol THis was so funny.. Best part of waking up with some Coffee ( Not Folgers) Is the Blog :D lol SHES A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lmao

At 9:59 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

I will attempt to explain...I used to modle IRL..He has seen way too many guys hit on the game I am a sexy 75 Mithra THF..and I get a LOT of attention from guys that
A.Want to flirt (and worse)
B.People that constantly need (read want) my help or TH
C.The time I spend with other people instead of the man I love and am Married to.

And Taru walking up to me in Jeuno to ~Hump~ a leg gets him steamed...he never hesitates to say *That is my WIFE you JERK! Get OFF her leg...NOW!*
He feels strongly it is just disrespectful and rightly so.

I know of cases where people were put in Jail (game) for running around groping,fondling,kissing random people.

What you need to keep in mind is this...In an RPG game (any) Guys ESPECIALLY are VERY caught up in the role playing.

Add to that mix that a LOT of them are young..(Average age on Titan Server is around 17)they have not matured enough to have any semblance of decorum or accepted ways to (somehow) express their hormonally motivated behavior.

This being said not all players act in this manner...but a husband reading a vulgar /tell over your shoulder tends to get a bit pissed say the least.

At 6:31 PM, Blogger lesa said...

"You don't know what you're getting, you're probably not going to like it, and you won't know until it's already in your mouth."

rofl awesome. I'm cracking up.

At 1:11 PM, Blogger USG said...


At first I thought "This guy is really mean.

Then I realized I didn't care, because this was just...just incredibly funny.

I haven't played the game in the year, but if I ever come back, I will be converting to Davism.


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