Monday, May 22, 2006

SHUT THE HELL UP!

Right now. All of you. Shut the hell up.

Shut it.

I've been getting a lot of calls since the update. A lot of calls about Besieged.

Here's a message for every player (read: idiot) that sent one of these stupid calls.

If you do not understand the premise of an event, JUST DON'T FREAKIN' PLAY!

We designed Besieged very, very carefully. We took time crafting a great battle event that made you defend your city versus mobs.

It was beautiful.

And to up the difficulty and challenge of the event, we decided that the attacking forces could take NPCs as prisoners.

Cool, right?

I mean, you can actually see consequences for not stopping the invading force soon enough. And then you can go get them back.

But why does every damned moron that somehow managed to find their way to Whitegate have to freakin' call me and tell me the NPCs are gone?

I've got news for you.

Are you listening?

I DON'T FREAKIN' CARE!!!

I don't care if they took the warp taru.

I don't care if they took the AH NPC.

I DON'T CARE!!!

It's a damned game, you jumped up retards. Suck it up and go get them back your damned selves.

It's not a glitch.

It's not a bug.

It's not "teh hax0rz".

It's you being too freakin' stupid to understand what's going on.

They are gone as a consequence of battle. It happens.

If you don't like it, TOO DAMNED BAD!

I realize the warp taru is important. And the AH NPC is very helpful.

But if they're not there, just go to another damned town!

This is not rocket surgery.

Today, I just lost it. I mean, I went batshit insane on one of these crybaby tards.

GM Call Description: Bug in Whitegate. Warp taru gone.

I just freakin' snapped.

This was probably the hundredth call like this I've gotten and I'm just sick of babysitting the drooling masses of Vana'diel.

It's ass kicking time.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand your intelligence is very low.
Player>> Uhh... no, my stats are fine.
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about a stat?
Player>> I called because the warp taru in Whitegate is gone.
[GM]Dave>> HE'S GONE?!
[GM]Dave>> OH SHIT!
Player>> What's wrong?
[GM]Dave>> OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT
Player>> What's wrong?
[GM]Dave>> That means the server is corrupted.
[GM]Dave>> Your whole server is getting deleted!
[GM]Dave>> One NPC at a time!
Player>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what to do.
[GM]Dave>> We need to contact the programmers.
Player>> How do we do that?
[GM]Dave>> A player needs to run the command.
[GM]Dave>> Type "/contact Prgmr ./script error"
Player>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> ...
Player>> It didn't do anything.
[GM]Dave>> Oh DAMMIT!
[GM]Dave>> It's in the command root structure.
[GM]Dave>> We could have a server cascade!
Player>> What does that mean?
[GM]Dave>> Every server is getting wiped as we speak.
[GM]Dave>> VANA'DIEL IS DOOMED!
Player>> There has to be something we can do.
Player>> A back up copy or something.
[GM]Dave>> There's no time.
[GM]Dave>> The kernel is crashing.
[GM]Dave>> The RAID is toasted.
[GM]Dave>> WE'VE GOT A CORE BREACH!
Player>> DO SOMETHING!
[GM]Dave>> I DON'T HAVE THE POWER!
Player>> Could you turn the servers off?
Player>> Maybe a reboot will help.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> That just might work!
Player>> YAY!
[GM]Dave>> If it doesn't work though, the server will die.
Player>> We don't really have a choice.
[GM]Dave>> You're right.
[GM]Dave>> I'm glad you were here with me.
[GM]Dave>> At the end.
Player>> This is going to work.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shutting them down.
[GM]Dave>> If you can't log back in, it means we failed.
Player>> Good luck.
[GM]Dave>> Cross your fingers.

*Boot player*

*Delete character*

*Cancel Content ID*

*Ban IP*

*Report credit card stolen*

*Mail incendiary device to billing address*

Why do I always get stuck with the absolute retards?

If you're going to take part in any in game event, take the time to find out everything you should expect.

You know, just in case something unexpected might happen.

Like, oh I don't know, something everyone on every FFXI forum on the planet already knows.

I'm instituting a new law: it is now illegal to teach anyone with an IQ below 100 how to use the internet.

Don't teach them how to access games.

Don't even teach them how to hook it up.

If you can't think like the rest of us, stay off our damned internet.

Morons.

31 Comments:

At 5:15 PM, Blogger Bugbby said...

I <3 you. I'm tired of explaining the whole Besieged idea to people. :( It really isn't that hard...; ;

 
At 5:17 PM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

Ditto that.

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Thanks for thining the herd Dave ;)

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger Trigger said...

:( Funny read, but it seemed like it was all over too soon.

Oh well, theres always tomorrow :D

*coughtorturethemlongercough*

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Ryuusuke said...

yeah is it really that hard to do a simple thing of looking somethng up. Thanks for always screwing with the retarded (not literally...well maybe they are who knows)

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

ROFL I nearly fell out of my chair laughing so hard.

[GM]Dave - Making the world a better place.

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger KH/D said...

Lol. May not be too active in ToAU, due to low lvl, but even I know about that stuff ( To an extent ).

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Retsuken said...

You learn something new every day...

'OH NOESS THE WARP TARU IS GONE WE R ALL d00M3D1!11!1!seventy'

You younguns and your 'warper NPC's'. Why in my day, if we wanted to go fight an HNM we'd have to walk uphill 15 minutes in a snowstorm - BOTH WAYS. We didn't have no fancy 'Windower' either, so stop your bellyachin before I smack you all senseless with my Wii.

People are so lazy that when hackers inevitably crack POL's encryption and make private servers they're going to put warpers everywhere that doesn't make their MySql database explode. And I know Squeenix has convinced itself that something like that will never happen but it will, hackers ALWAYS find a way to crack whatever encryption you used.

Anyways, getting back on topic...keep being a facilitator for natural selection [GM]Dave.

 
At 7:17 PM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

LMAO, for kicks I put [GM]Dave in Sloganizer...

"Swing your [GM]Dave."

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger Lankist said...

That made me laugh more than I had in weeks.

Oh Shit! The Servers are DOOMED!

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger currentlypresent said...

Awesome.

 
At 8:50 PM, Blogger HTL2001 said...

Retsuken, if your gonna do the whole "in my day..." thing, don't meantion how you somehow happen to have a product that isn't even out yet :p

Anyway, I can get the concept and I don't even play, these people must be realy f'ing stupid.
Its unfortunate that FFXI makes it so easy to flood stupid GM calls... or it was until you started posting :D

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger weary samurai said...

man this shit never gets old

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Silver 9 said...

...yeah, he deserved to be kicked...plus all of what you did to him. All of it.

Now, to get off topic, I have to report some stupidity of my own...unfortunately, on the Valefor server.

I swear this server gets stupider every time I log in.

Do you remember your blog post about some guy losing his Kirin's Osode? Well, it seems I have just found this server's equivilant.

Apparently, the guy in question says he was "sharing it" with another person. Which, clearly, if you do that...you're retarded.

Just thought I'd share that. Keep on writing, Dave! =D

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

"GM]Dave>> I'm glad you were here with me.
[GM]Dave>> At the end.
Player>> This is going to work.
[GM]Dave>> I'm shutting them down.
[GM]Dave>> If you can't log back in, it means we failed.
Player>> Good luck.
[GM]Dave>> Cross your fingers.
*Boot player*
*Delete character*
*Cancel Content ID*
*Ban IP*
*Report credit card stolen*
*Mail incendiary device to billing address*
Why do I always get stuck with the absolute retards?"


Genius, seriously

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger Twinblades said...

You are a god among mortals :o I love your blogs, keep em up. This makes me wonder what would happen if the warptaru did get taken hostage, we'd have the whole server in there looking for him o.o

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger Cecento said...

well done kill the tards who cant grasp the simple things.

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger Shinkada said...

You guys need to lay off the sauce. Dave's a legend, but it's not as if he's the first to do what he's doing. It's called satire, and a lot of authors have been picking up lately, Maddox and Tucker max, primarily. And I wanted to cry when I heard someone say 'You fail at life. (Sorry for stealing your phrase, Dave)'. That's his phrase now? What'd he do, haxor it?

That being said, Dave, great stuff. The idea of a satirist prick in a seat of infinite power just has unlimited potential, and you do what you do well. Nice job.

 
At 11:48 PM, Blogger Pascal said...

OMG best post ever! :)

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger Soul said...

[GM]Dave>> WE'VE GOT A CORE BREACH!
Player>> DO SOMETHING!
[GM]Dave>> I DON'T HAVE THE POWER!


ROFLMMFAO!

 
At 1:27 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

OMG
[GM]Dave>> The kernel is crashing.
[GM]Dave>> The RAID is toasted.
[GM]Dave>> WE'VE GOT A CORE BREACH!
Player>> DO SOMETHING!
[GM]Dave>> I DON'T HAVE THE POWER!
Player>> Could you turn the servers off?
Player>> Maybe a reboot will help.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> That just might work!

LMAO what a tard...
(((alll hail GM Dave)))

 
At 1:48 AM, Blogger nano said...

[GM]Dave>> Type "/contact Prgmr ./script error"

It's great how you murdered the vowels like a true programmer would.

All hail [GM]Dave, our new overlord in his "seat of infinite power"!

 
At 4:37 AM, Blogger Mute said...

hahahah...I only wish you dragged it out longer! :p

 
At 5:19 AM, Blogger mistmonster said...

I lost it at:

[GM]Dave>> WE'VE GOT A CORE BREACH!
Player>> DO SOMETHING!
[GM]Dave>> I DON'T HAVE THE POWER!

Thanks for yet another embarrassing LMAO at work session.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger SlayerOfBigFoot said...

Lmfao. That was classic.
although "This is not rocket surgery." Was this interntional? lol

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger Hutea said...

I'm instituting a new law: it is now illegal to teach anyone with an IQ below 100 how to use the internet.

Motion seconded. Motion approved... Motion passed.

And yes, every time besieged hits, there are at least four or five people who ask 'when does it start?'. Seems Al Zhabi is flooded with idiots as soon as one of the three attacking forces are at level 1 preparing.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger BocoChocobo said...

<_< Not to ruffle feathers here, but if this was from Beseiged, wouldn't the Warp Taru in Al Zabhi be the one taken? And therefore the one in Whitegate disappearing *would* be a glitch?

*is eaten by dragon*

 
At 1:48 AM, Blogger TriEdge said...

Besieged has been bugging me too, not how besieged is played or anything, but how people have no frickin clue what's going on

I read the update details everytime there's an update, i mean every single time

I read the notifications about maintenance every time too.

And yet, everytime there's a besieged and I acctualy get into an allience, 15/18 people will go "Wtf? Why was I warped?" when besieged start


And I just -love- it when I sign on at 10am, see that there will be a server maintenance at 7pm, I log in, have fun, and then 7pm comes around and a billion frickin idiots go "WTf? Maintenance? We didn't get any damn notification! I'm calling SE on this bullshit!"

Either people don't log out enough, or they're just too frickin blind.

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger JustN said...

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand your intelligence is very low.
Player>> Uhh... no, my stats are fine.
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about a stat?


My favorite part because you insult him to his face and he doesn't get it... what a simple person.

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger Ribrece said...

well played dave, well played...

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger USG said...

...I gotta say, I really wish I knew how long it took that guy to figure out what happened to him.

 

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