Bannable Offenses

Excuses, Excuses.

Okay, I realize that when I'm dealing with a botter, one of us is retarded.

But why do they always assume it is me?

Every single time I catch one of these morons, they always try to come up with the lamest, dumbest excuse.

And then, they have the nerve to get angry when I don't buy their bullshit.

You know, I have much more respect for someone who just mans up and admits that they were botting.

It's not like there's some confusion on the matter.

We both know you were doing it.

If you just own up to it, maybe I'll go easy on you.

A simple ban instead of brutal humiliation.

but no. These tards have to make up some asinine, idiotic story about their cat stepping on their macro button or some other stupid crap. And then they expect me to just go "Oh. Cool then. Enjoy the fish."

I mean, how stupid can some people be?

You're not fooling anyone. At all.

Even when you go to forums and cry your little sob stories about how the big bad GM hurt your feelings, we all know you're guilty.

"Boo hoo. I was using fleetool, but I didn't know it was on my computer. GMs suck."

"Wah. My dog was chewing on my mouse and it kept making me switch targets and provoke while I was AFK. This isn't fair."

"My little brother was on my account and didn't know how to answer a GM. I didn't cheat."

Noone actually believes this crap. The only people who buy into these stories are other people who cheat.

It's honestly funny to read these stories as a GM. How they put this "I'm oh so innocent" slant on the story and then tell an entire forum that they were cheating.

They should be mature enough to accept getting caught for what they're doing. If you can't handle the punishment, don't commit the crime.

You make a conscious decision to cheat when you install botting or cheat programs. You looked for it, you downloaded it, you installed it, and you ran it.

And all the time you knew it was wrong.

But I confront one of these cheaters and suddenly, I'm the villain. Suddenly, I'm mistreating them.

Just this morning, I was bored to tears at work and was actually happy to hear the chime of an incoming GM call.

Me happy to get a GM call... I must have been very bored.

GM Call Description: Fish Botter in Boyahda Tree. Hasn't moved for days.

Dammit. Another fish botter call?

For those of you who do not know, the fish bot GM call is the most annoying call to get. We get a couple of hundred of these a week on average because everyone is just so damned sure that fisher is botting.

Newsflash! Fishing requires you to spend a great deal of time doing nothing but fishing if you want to level up. Some people get sick of getting tells and won't answer you.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE BOTS!

Seriously. We don't need calls like that.

If you are not one hundred percent sure that they are a botter, DON'T CALL US.

But, because I had nothing better to do, I decided to "handle" this GM call.

I figured that it was either a botter I could torture or an idiot making false GM calls I could torture.

Either way, fun.

So, to facilitate the impending torture, I logged into Fenrir server, and headed over to Boyahda Tree.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer. Blah, blah, blah.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you do not appreciate your account.
Player>> No.
Player>> I love my character.
[GM]Dave>> Then why would you risk making such a GM call?
[GM]Dave>> Are you some sort of thrill junkie?
Player>> No. No, I'm not.
Player>> I just wanted to report a botter.
[GM]Dave>> And why do you think he's a bot?
Player>> Well, his casting is perfectly timed.
[GM]Dave>> That's your proof?
[GM]Dave>> Well, thanks for cracking that case for us, Grissom.
Player>> There is one other thing.
[GM]Dave>> What?
Player>> Wait for it.

And so I waited.

Except replace the word "waited" with "planned multiple means of humiliating the idiot who made this call".

Luckily for him, though, it appears that fate had other plans.

Botter>> script run ./fish

I didn't just see that. Noone could be that bad a programmer.

Botter>> script run ./fish

How do these people manage to stay alive long enough to piss me off? Shouldn't survival of the fittest have thinned the herd by now?

[GM]Dave>> Is that the botter?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I didn't say he was a good botter.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I've got some good news for you.
Player>> Is there a reward?
[GM]Dave>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> Your character doesn't get killed and deleted.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> You're welcome.

Now, as annoying as the false fish bot call is, I cannot express the pleasure one feels finding out a report is actually valid.

A nice fresh fish bot just waiting to be tortured.

Good times.

But first, I have to go through the basic protocol.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Cheater.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're functionally retarded.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> A likely story.
[GM]Dave>> And why should I believe you?
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> You make a good argument.
[GM]Dave>> But have you considered the impacts of botting?
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> I take that as a no.
[GM]Dave>> Moronsayscriptrun./fish
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha!
[GM]Dave>> I called you a moron.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> What did you say about my mother?
[GM]Dave>> I assure you she's not a whore.
[GM]Dave>> Whores take money.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Insulting a GM is punishable by banning.
[GM]Dave>> If you accept this punishment say "script run ./fish"
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Would you mind if I killed you severals times first?
[GM]Dave>> As a message to others?
[GM]Dave>> If you don't mind, say "script run ./fish"
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Excellent.

At that point, I warped him immediately to Serpentking Square in Whitegate.

[GM]Dave>> Good people of Whitegate.
[GM]Dave>> I come here before you in the interest of justice.
[GM]Dave>> This player has been caught using botting software.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Quiet down, prisoner.
[GM]Dave>> You had your chance.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Begging won't save you now.
[GM]Dave>> In order to educate the player populace...
[GM]Dave>> We are introducing a new event.
[GM]Dave>> An event called "Beatdown the Botter."
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Yes, that's you.
[GM]Dave>> For the next hour, this botter will be fully targetable.
[GM]Dave>> And will also be auto-raised after each defeat.
Botter>. script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> I'm getting to that part.
[GM]Dave>> Did I mention players will receive Imperial Standing for each kill?

You could practically hear every character in the area turn and head our way.

I mean, the horde of Tarus that swarmed our feet brought back unpleasant memories of fighting the Flood in Halo.

[GM]Dave>> The event will begin when I say go.
Botter>> Sorry I was afk.
Botter>> Umm... where am I?
[GM]Dave>> GO!!!
Botter>> What are you guys...
Botter>> SWEETCHRISTNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

It was unimaginable.

Death after death after death. The crowd was relentless.

Perhaps this was crossing the line.

Actually... I'm pretty sure handing out weapons was crossing the line.

Then, as the clock struck the hour, I set the Botter's account back to normal.

Well... normal minus 20 levels or so.

[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. I didn't get your last message.
[GM]Dave>> I think it was "DEARLORDNOAAUUGGHH!"
Botter>> WTF?!!!
Botter>> You let them kill me!
[GM]Dave>> Technically, I also enabled them to kill you.
Botter>> WHY?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, you got caught fish botting.
Botter>> So you let them murder me?!
[GM]Dave>> I'm tough, but fair.
Botter>> I wasn't botting!
[GM]Dave>> Surrrrrrrrre you weren't.
[GM]Dave>> Then why were you fishing while afk?
Botter>> Uhhh... my son was playing my character.
Botter>> While I used the bathroom.
[GM]Dave>> For forty-five minutes?
Botter>> I was sick.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, so you son was fishing for you.
Botter>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> And why was he typing "script run ./fish"?
Botter>> ...
Botter>> He's retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Must be genetic.
Botter>> So will you give me back my levels?
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly would I do that?
Botter>> I told you I wasn't botting.
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> You were being serious.
Botter>> Of course I was.
[GM]Dave>> I thought that was a joke.
[GM]Dave>> It being retarded and all.
Botter>> Are you saying I'm lying?!
[GM]Dave>> Technically, I'm implying it.
[GM]Dave>> There's a difference.
Botter>> I wasn't botting, you BASTARD!
[GM]Dave>> Look on the bright side.
[GM]Dave>> At least you didn't get eaten by a dragon.
Botter>> What do you mean?

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol

Jormungand hits Botter for 12,743 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Kind of like that.
[GM]Dave>> Aren't you glad that didn't happen?
Botter>> YOU KILLED ME AGAIN!!!
[GM]Dave>> Player note: Player extremely observant.
Botter>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
Botter>> I would have prefered you to just ban me.
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> I'm all about customer service.
Botter>> WAIT!
[GM]Dave>> Wait for what?

You tell could not be received. The player has either logged off or has had their account turned into a smouldering pile of ruin.

[GM]Dave>> He must have left.

When you get caught, just own up to it. Be a man and take the hit.

We don't want to hear your stories.

We really don't care.

Save your bitching and whining for Allakhazam.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 9:24 AM