Thursday, May 18, 2006

Excuses, Excuses.

Okay, I realize that when I'm dealing with a botter, one of us is retarded.

But why do they always assume it is me?

Every single time I catch one of these morons, they always try to come up with the lamest, dumbest excuse.

And then, they have the nerve to get angry when I don't buy their bullshit.

You know, I have much more respect for someone who just mans up and admits that they were botting.

It's not like there's some confusion on the matter.

We both know you were doing it.

If you just own up to it, maybe I'll go easy on you.

A simple ban instead of brutal humiliation.

but no. These tards have to make up some asinine, idiotic story about their cat stepping on their macro button or some other stupid crap. And then they expect me to just go "Oh. Cool then. Enjoy the fish."

I mean, how stupid can some people be?

You're not fooling anyone. At all.

Even when you go to forums and cry your little sob stories about how the big bad GM hurt your feelings, we all know you're guilty.

"Boo hoo. I was using fleetool, but I didn't know it was on my computer. GMs suck."

"Wah. My dog was chewing on my mouse and it kept making me switch targets and provoke while I was AFK. This isn't fair."

"My little brother was on my account and didn't know how to answer a GM. I didn't cheat."

Noone actually believes this crap. The only people who buy into these stories are other people who cheat.

It's honestly funny to read these stories as a GM. How they put this "I'm oh so innocent" slant on the story and then tell an entire forum that they were cheating.

They should be mature enough to accept getting caught for what they're doing. If you can't handle the punishment, don't commit the crime.

You make a conscious decision to cheat when you install botting or cheat programs. You looked for it, you downloaded it, you installed it, and you ran it.

And all the time you knew it was wrong.

But I confront one of these cheaters and suddenly, I'm the villain. Suddenly, I'm mistreating them.

Just this morning, I was bored to tears at work and was actually happy to hear the chime of an incoming GM call.

Me happy to get a GM call... I must have been very bored.

GM Call Description: Fish Botter in Boyahda Tree. Hasn't moved for days.

Dammit. Another fish botter call?

For those of you who do not know, the fish bot GM call is the most annoying call to get. We get a couple of hundred of these a week on average because everyone is just so damned sure that fisher is botting.

Newsflash! Fishing requires you to spend a great deal of time doing nothing but fishing if you want to level up. Some people get sick of getting tells and won't answer you.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE BOTS!

Seriously. We don't need calls like that.

If you are not one hundred percent sure that they are a botter, DON'T CALL US.

But, because I had nothing better to do, I decided to "handle" this GM call.

I figured that it was either a botter I could torture or an idiot making false GM calls I could torture.

Either way, fun.

So, to facilitate the impending torture, I logged into Fenrir server, and headed over to Boyahda Tree.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer. Blah, blah, blah.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you do not appreciate your account.
Player>> No.
Player>> I love my character.
[GM]Dave>> Then why would you risk making such a GM call?
[GM]Dave>> Are you some sort of thrill junkie?
Player>> No. No, I'm not.
Player>> I just wanted to report a botter.
[GM]Dave>> And why do you think he's a bot?
Player>> Well, his casting is perfectly timed.
[GM]Dave>> That's your proof?
[GM]Dave>> Well, thanks for cracking that case for us, Grissom.
Player>> There is one other thing.
[GM]Dave>> What?
Player>> Wait for it.

And so I waited.

Except replace the word "waited" with "planned multiple means of humiliating the idiot who made this call".

Luckily for him, though, it appears that fate had other plans.

Botter>> script run ./fish

I didn't just see that. Noone could be that bad a programmer.

Botter>> script run ./fish

How do these people manage to stay alive long enough to piss me off? Shouldn't survival of the fittest have thinned the herd by now?

[GM]Dave>> Is that the botter?
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> I didn't say he was a good botter.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I've got some good news for you.
Player>> Is there a reward?
[GM]Dave>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> Your character doesn't get killed and deleted.
Player>> ...
[GM]Dave>> You're welcome.

Now, as annoying as the false fish bot call is, I cannot express the pleasure one feels finding out a report is actually valid.

A nice fresh fish bot just waiting to be tortured.

Good times.

But first, I have to go through the basic protocol.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Cheater.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're functionally retarded.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> A likely story.
[GM]Dave>> And why should I believe you?
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> You make a good argument.
[GM]Dave>> But have you considered the impacts of botting?
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> I take that as a no.
[GM]Dave>> Moronsayscriptrun./fish
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha!
[GM]Dave>> I called you a moron.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> What did you say about my mother?
[GM]Dave>> I assure you she's not a whore.
[GM]Dave>> Whores take money.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Insulting a GM is punishable by banning.
[GM]Dave>> If you accept this punishment say "script run ./fish"
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Would you mind if I killed you severals times first?
[GM]Dave>> As a message to others?
[GM]Dave>> If you don't mind, say "script run ./fish"
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Excellent.

At that point, I warped him immediately to Serpentking Square in Whitegate.

[GM]Dave>> Good people of Whitegate.
[GM]Dave>> I come here before you in the interest of justice.
[GM]Dave>> This player has been caught using botting software.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Quiet down, prisoner.
[GM]Dave>> You had your chance.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Begging won't save you now.
[GM]Dave>> In order to educate the player populace...
[GM]Dave>> We are introducing a new event.
[GM]Dave>> An event called "Beatdown the Botter."
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Yes, that's you.
[GM]Dave>> For the next hour, this botter will be fully targetable.
[GM]Dave>> And will also be auto-raised after each defeat.
Botter>. script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> I'm getting to that part.
[GM]Dave>> Did I mention players will receive Imperial Standing for each kill?

You could practically hear every character in the area turn and head our way.

I mean, the horde of Tarus that swarmed our feet brought back unpleasant memories of fighting the Flood in Halo.

[GM]Dave>> The event will begin when I say go.
Botter>> Sorry I was afk.
Botter>> Umm... where am I?
[GM]Dave>> GO!!!
Botter>> What are you guys...
Botter>> SWEETCHRISTNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

It was unimaginable.

Death after death after death. The crowd was relentless.

Perhaps this was crossing the line.

Actually... I'm pretty sure handing out weapons was crossing the line.

Then, as the clock struck the hour, I set the Botter's account back to normal.

Well... normal minus 20 levels or so.

[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry. I didn't get your last message.
[GM]Dave>> I think it was "DEARLORDNOAAUUGGHH!"
Botter>> WTF?!!!
Botter>> You let them kill me!
[GM]Dave>> Technically, I also enabled them to kill you.
Botter>> WHY?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, you got caught fish botting.
Botter>> So you let them murder me?!
[GM]Dave>> I'm tough, but fair.
Botter>> I wasn't botting!
[GM]Dave>> Surrrrrrrrre you weren't.
[GM]Dave>> Then why were you fishing while afk?
Botter>> Uhhh... my son was playing my character.
Botter>> While I used the bathroom.
[GM]Dave>> For forty-five minutes?
Botter>> I was sick.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, so you son was fishing for you.
Botter>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> And why was he typing "script run ./fish"?
Botter>> ...
Botter>> He's retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Must be genetic.
Botter>> So will you give me back my levels?
[GM]Dave>> And why exactly would I do that?
Botter>> I told you I wasn't botting.
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> You were being serious.
Botter>> Of course I was.
[GM]Dave>> I thought that was a joke.
[GM]Dave>> It being retarded and all.
Botter>> Are you saying I'm lying?!
[GM]Dave>> Technically, I'm implying it.
[GM]Dave>> There's a difference.
Botter>> I wasn't botting, you BASTARD!
[GM]Dave>> Look on the bright side.
[GM]Dave>> At least you didn't get eaten by a dragon.
Botter>> What do you mean?

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol

Jormungand hits Botter for 12,743 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Kind of like that.
[GM]Dave>> Aren't you glad that didn't happen?
Botter>> YOU KILLED ME AGAIN!!!
[GM]Dave>> Player note: Player extremely observant.
Botter>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
Botter>> I would have prefered you to just ban me.
[GM]Dave>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> I'm all about customer service.
Botter>> WAIT!
[GM]Dave>> Wait for what?

You tell could not be received. The player has either logged off or has had their account turned into a smouldering pile of ruin.

[GM]Dave>> He must have left.

When you get caught, just own up to it. Be a man and take the hit.

We don't want to hear your stories.

We really don't care.

Save your bitching and whining for Allakhazam.

36 Comments:

At 12:36 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Best. post. EVER. I haven't laughed this hard in months XD

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger leonoxx said...

Wow, I believed him when he said "script run ./fish" but he definately was lying when he said "script run ./fish". If only he hadn't had to go on about "script run ./fish" he would have gotten away with it...

^_^ good post!

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

"Save your bitching and whining for allahkazam"?


{True Strike}

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

hahhahahahaha

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

lol nice, if I hadn't actually seen something like this happen myself, i'd never have believed it, but knowing first hand that players really can be this stupid makes it all the more hilarious.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Fendi said...

Honestly HTF do you try and justify "script run .fish" being repeated over and over at precise timings? Your retarded son must have one hell of a sense of timing. Did he know code before he became retarded and now can only type "script run ./fish"? This thought alone is enough to tear holes in the fabric of time.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger Interceptor said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 1:36 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

<3 the Mom comment.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Aakawolf said...

"Botter>> I wasn't botting!
[GM]Dave>> Surrrrrrrrre you weren't.
[GM]Dave>> Then why were you fishing while afk?
Botter>> Uhhh... my son was playing my character.
Botter>> While I used the bathroom.
[GM]Dave>> For forty-five minutes?
Botter>> I was sick.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, so you son was fishing for you.
Botter>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> And why was he typing "script run ./fish"?
Botter>> ...
Botter>> He's retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Must be genetic."

...

Price for botting: 20+ levels
Price for standard dragon food: one botter
Watching a botter set himself to insult /himself/ and his own progeny: priceless.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Rinkuja said...

LOL!!!
I thought that was an official event, beating up a NPC or whatever!! Didnt even realize that it was a player.

Thanks GM Dave, it was fun. There was alot of lag, though. Especially since I logged on with lappy on that day.

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger Slint said...

I seem to remember you did a blog about this, exept wasen't so cruil. Keep up the good work

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger Artos said...

Why wasn't I at Whitegate? Damn! The one day someone brings a piñata....

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger BocoChocobo said...

Ahhh, all the fun is over on Fenrir server I see...

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

Just this morning, I was bored to tears at work and was actually happy to hear the chime of an incoming GM call.

Me happy to get a GM call... I must have been very bored.


Just how bored (read: out of liquor)were you? :P

Great post as always

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Lazria said...

Ah, you leave such a happie smile on my face as I slave away beyind my computer all day...the joys, the rapture.... /bow

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger Mute said...

Again, you bring a smile to my face! Nice... very nice. :D

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Retsuken said...

You want to hear about bot problems? Go talk to someone who's a GM on Ragnarok Online, they've got thousands just waiting to be fed to an ubered-up Baphomet or something.

"script run ./fish"...A quote for the ages.

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Feba said...

Almost as good as that time someone MT'd MrGhost offsets at Fafhog.

 
At 7:46 PM, Blogger Farabutt said...

Awesome. Just awesome.

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Bwahaha, good stuff, good stuff

 
At 8:41 PM, Blogger Avarice said...

You increase the world's collective IQ by culling morons and retards. Good Job! More power to you! Wish there were people like you in other online games.

 
At 9:13 PM, Blogger Blogger#B-2874 said...

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Cheater.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're functionally retarded.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> A likely story.
[GM]Dave>> And why should I believe you?
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> You make a good argument.
[GM]Dave>> But have you considered the impacts of botting?
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> I take that as a no.
[GM]Dave>> Moronsayscriptrun./fish
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha!
[GM]Dave>> I called you a moron.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> What did you say about my mother?
[GM]Dave>> I assure you she's not a whore.
[GM]Dave>> Whores take money.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Insulting a GM is punishable by banning.
[GM]Dave>> If you accept this punishment say "script run ./fish"
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Would you mind if I killed you severals times first?
[GM]Dave>> As a message to others?
[GM]Dave>> If you don't mind, say "script run ./fish"
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Excellent.

At that point, I warped him immediately to Serpentking Square in Whitegate.

[GM]Dave>> Good people of Whitegate.
[GM]Dave>> I come here before you in the interest of justice.
[GM]Dave>> This player has been caught using botting software.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Quiet down, prisoner.
[GM]Dave>> You had your chance.
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Begging won't save you now.
[GM]Dave>> In order to educate the player populace...
[GM]Dave>> We are introducing a new event.
[GM]Dave>> An event called "Beatdown the Botter."
Botter>> script run ./fish
[GM]Dave>> Yes, that's you.
[GM]Dave>> For the next hour, this botter will be fully targetable.
[GM]Dave>> And will also be auto-raised after each defeat.
Botter>. script run ./fish


Pure Gold.

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger Dunts said...

[GM]Dave is my new hero, wish he would feed me to a dragon

 
At 10:11 PM, Blogger Spec said...

man...if ever there was a person to inspire a career in SE's [GM] program...it's you dave. If there is anyway I can punish retards, with dragons, video game monsters ect. hook me up. I have spent my life trying to punish them. I'm not sure if I could come up with such witty conversations, any skill that I lack in conversation can be made up in just humiliation(cept with tons of bad grammar). I think you speak for my generation when you say "I hate people"

Keep it real,
Spec
p.s. please dont ban me

 
At 12:38 AM, Blogger Jeine said...

I predict we'll start seeing "script run ./fish" appearing in people's Provoke macros.

 
At 1:17 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

"I mean, the horde of Tarus that swarmed our feet brought back unpleasant memories of fighting the Flood in Halo."

OMFG I laughed so hard i regurgitated my spleen onto the desk with that one...

but are you sure he wasn't innocent i mean sure "script run ./fish" he did sound fairly sincere!

lmao these people in aht urgan were spoiled rotten, such a reward for such un-deserving sods! Maybe you should warp all of the players to jail for PK'ing! now that would be uber-cruel!

 
At 3:58 AM, Blogger Sebb said...

Hah. ^^
Another cruel yet fair swipe by the Lord and Master [GM]Dave. It wont be long before Vana'diel is free from the worst of the Beastmen, Retards.

Swish^^

Keep up the good work.
If you stop this blog, I will more than likely kill myself....

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger Kage said...

He was obviously telling the truth. I mean, everyone who says "script run ./fish" couldn't POSSIBLY be a bottor. His explanation seems to be a "series of strangely coincidental yet easily explained events."

I love Destroy All Humans. Goes well with my life motto. >:)

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger HTL2001 said...

Retsuken said...
You want to hear about bot problems? Go talk to someone who's a GM on Ragnarok Online, they've got thousands just waiting to be fed to an ubered-up Baphomet or something.
--------------

Indeed. Dead givaway is how they teleport every .5 seconds unless theres a monster onscreen to kill (and they must use the no item teleport bug cause theres no way they carry enough to keep doing that)

Oh and names like... "gina said" or worse, "%!ashjktf!@"

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

Conversation in my LS a few days ago... Well, I should say, "conversation."

Player1>> oh aight thx
Player2>> [GM]Dave just spit out a shot of whiskey somewhere.

:-D Guess who Player2 was.

...And guess what percentage of the LS knew what I was talking about.

[GM]Dave, you've become everyone's idol, hero, mentor, and bane. We all <3 you, and I hope you stick around for a long, long time.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger Saikido said...

Lmao, purely Genious, Wouldnt mind seeing some of that in Remora lolz, Specially for the Gilsellers & Botters @ Roc & Simurgh, keep up the work m8, every post is more priceless than the last.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger ari1175 said...

Dude.... YOU ROCK!!!

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger Cecento said...

lol omg man ur the best. beatdown the botter.

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger Heavensword said...

That was awesome. I LOL'd. Especially the part where you asked him the questions and said "...say "script run ./fish" Very funny.

 
At 5:04 AM, Blogger san said...

That was so funny I have tears in my eyes thx for a good laugh at work! Glad everyone in the office was out for lunch!

 
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