Saturday, May 20, 2006

Law and Order: SVUmustbejoking

Do you remember when you were installing the game?

Do you remember accepting the Terms of Service (ToS)?

Now, in case you're grossly retarded, when you agreed to those terms, you agreed that we had certain rights to close your account.

No shoes, no brain, no service.

If you act in anyway that we (read: I) deem inappropriate, I have every right to burn your character to the ground.

It doesn't matter who you are or where you're from. I have supreme power over the future (or lack thereof) of your character.

Imagine me as Fate, only with a short temper and whisky breath.

You can't argue it. You agreed to this contract and dictates exactly what you can and cannot do, and what I can do in the event of violation.

So, why is it almost everytime I catch a cheater and remind them of those Terms of Service that they suddenly pull a law degree out of their ass?

I have some disturbing news for you. You may want to sit down.

YOU'RE NOT A LAWYER!

YOU'RE NOT!

A LAWYER!

YOU'RE NOT A LAWYER!

Do you understand?

NOT A LAWYER!

Damn these freakin' retards who think that they somehow have a better understanding of the rules than a GAMEMASTER. Damn them and their pseudo-intellectual rambling.

You can blather on and on all you want. Oh, you're a pre-law student studying fair business practice.

equip "Boots" Feet
/ja "Shake" <>

I don't care how much you think you know. I don't care that your mommy is a lawyer.

I DON'T CARE!

Do you want to know what a trial would go like? I can shorthand it for you.

You>> They broke the law.
Judge>> Do you have any proof?
You>> No.
Me>> And he signed a contract.
Me>> That he broke.
You>> But I didn't read it.
Judge>> You're retarded.

Seriously. Everytime you say stupid shit like that, you make yourself look even dumber than usual.

And that's a feat in and of itself.

It's not my fault you were too busy (read: stupid) to read those terms. You actively accepted a document without even bothering to peruse it.

That document outlines all sorts of fun rules that I can use (read: abuse) to make your life a living hell.

So, when you signed it, you basically threw away any sort of liability against us for destroying your account.

But no. Every other day, I have to deal with some absolute moron that has somehow convinced himself that he's a legal expert.

You can't string together a single legible sentence, but you have a law degree.

Right.

Just yesterday, I was minding my own business. You know, finding people who have reported me for improper GM behavior and then reporting their credit cards as stolen.

When, all of a sudden, I hear that damned chime that signals a GM call.

*DING*

This job would be much more enjoyable without the players.

GM Call Description: RMT in Jeuno.

How descriptive.

But, as I had not yet smote any gilsellers that day, I decided to have some fun.

So, I logged in and warped straight to Jeuno.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you want to report a pending suicide.
Player>> Actually, I want to report an RMT.
[GM]Dave>> That's what I said.
[GM]Dave>> Suicide.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> I just got a mistell asking if I wanted to buy 2,000,000 gil.
[GM]Dave>> I assume you hadn't.
Player>> Of course not.
Player>> Buying gil is retarded.
[GM]Dave>> Good answer.

I ran a quick check of the logs and immediately found out this player was telling the truth.

And found the name of my next victim (read: victim).

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> My name is Dave and I'll be your banner today.
RMTard>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Our special today is a permanent ban.
[GM]Dave>> With a side order of dragon.
RMTard>> I think you have the wrong person.
[GM]Dave>> I don't think so.
[GM]Dave>> I doubt two people could be that retarded.
RMTard>> You can't ban me.
RMTard>> I haven't done anything wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Well, gee. I guess that means you must be innocent.
[GM]Dave>> Sorry for bothering you.
RMTard>> Oh.
RMTard>> No problem.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you don't understand sarcasm.
[GM]Dave>> Let me be more clear.
[GM]Dave>> YOU RETARDED. RETARD GET BANNED.
RMTard>> How dare you?!
RMTard>> I am not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> I just call em like I see em.
[GM]Dave>> Tard.
RMTard>> STOP THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> It makes the banning so much funnier.
RMTard>> You can't ban me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, silly, silly fool.
[GM]Dave>> I'm quite sure I can.
RMTard>> I'll sue you!
[GM]Dave>> What did you say?
RMTard>> You heard me.
RMTard>> I'll sue you and your damned company!
[GM]Dave>> That's funny. That's what I thought you said.
[GM]Dave>> I just didn't think someone would be dumb enough to.
[GM]Dave>> I've underestimated your stupidity.
RMTard>> I'm a law student.
RMTard>> I know my rights.
[GM]Dave>> Do you?
[GM]Dave>> Do you really?
RMTard>> Yes, I do.
[GM]Dave>> Has your class covered contract law yet?
RMTard>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> Way to think on your feet, Matlock.
[GM]Dave>> Let me spell it out for you.
[GM]Dave>> YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT, YOU MORON!
RMTard>> So?
[GM]Dave>> Wow.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to be an awesome lawyer.
RMTard>> I paid for this account.
RMTard>> You can't ban me or I'll report you.
[GM]Dave>> Who are you going to report me to?
RMTard>> You know... them.
[GM]Dave>> Them being who exactly?
RMTard>> Uhh... the Better Business Bureau.
RMTard>> Or the cops.
[GM]Dave>> I would love to see that.
[GM]Dave>> "Yes, Officer. He broke a contract."
[GM]Dave>> "Yes, Officer. Feel free to shoot him."
RMTard>> YOU CAN'T BAN ME!
RMTard>> I'LL SUE!!!
[GM]Dave>> Well... that would be a civil case.
[GM]Dave>> How about we make it a criminal case while we're at it?
RMTard>> what do you mean?

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol

[GM]Dave>> How does Murder One sound?

Jormungand hits RMTard for 15,984 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, Mr. Lawyer.
[GM]Dave>> Is he a weapon or an accomplice now?

You need to listen and listen carefully.

I AM THE LAW.

You can't threaten me. You can't scare me.

You're my bitch.

55 Comments:

At 9:38 AM, Blogger ylimaf said...

FIRST POST.oopz sorry..hmm..now i feel like studying law...>_> anyways good job there dave

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger Dylan said...

haha, you had a funny title. you took a popular acronym related to criminology, used the last letter (U), and used it as 'you' in the phrase following it. haha.

>.>

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger kitty monk said...

"haha, you had a funny title. you took a popular acronym related to criminology, used the last letter (U), and used it as 'you' in the phrase following it. haha."


Oh, you're a bright one this morning. <.>

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger shfiftyfive said...

"Oh, you're a bright one this morning. <.>"



Oh, you're a jackass this morning. <.>

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Kieko said...

"I AM THE LAW.

You can't threaten me. You can't scare me.

You're my bitch."

XD! Thats the last thing I told myfriend before I chainspelled teled them until it wore off!

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Indaego said...

Hehe, I used to date a law student hopeful so I love it when those know-it-alls (and the wannabe know-it-alls) get their asses kicked (no offense to the nice ones out there)

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Scott Reed said...

-quote
You need to listen and listen carefully.

I AM THE LAW.

You can't threaten me. You can't scare me.

You're my bitch.


Undoubtably your best yet.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Amen Dave... amen. Thanks for removing another retard from the game ;)

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger Ruja said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger Ruja said...

Hi dave, I am interested to join the customer service as a GM. Could you answer me with a detailed program of what you guys exactly do between answering Gm calls? And how do I apply to join your ranks at SE? Answer me at rugginet@hotmail.com

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger scorn said...

Wow you are one sad person I must say I really pitty you.

I will guess you must be using velcro in your shoes since it takes an IQ of atleast 40 to tie shoe laces.

I come to think of the book "american phsyko" when i read your posts, he has lost grib of reality the same way you have.

You are simply unable to see the world in a greater perspective, what triggered this i dunno, and really dont care either, i just feel sad for you.

maybe its the fact that u lack the abillity to get a better job, and the fact that you are stuck in job you dont like, you feel the need to take it out on innocent ppl.

Sure ppl who cheat should get banned, but as an authourity you need to treat them with respect. If you got pulled over by a cop for what ever reason, how would you like it if he treated you in the way you have treated these ppl.

I bet you could come up with a thousands of excuses and try to prove me wrong. But the fact that you need to hide your activeties from your supperiors, seems to prove you know what you are doing is wrong, and in no way follow you so called ToS.

kk ty bye.

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger Para said...

I will guess you must be using velcro in your shoes since it takes an IQ of atleast 40 to tie shoe laces.

At least he spells 'you' with a y and an o.

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger Evin said...

Don't you love it when people who try to honestly tell you off have zero clue how the English language works? I do. Thank you, "scorn", for making me smile.

And good work, Dave. Someone acts like a moron, treat them as such. It's the only way they learn.

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger scorn said...

Nå jamen så lad mig se hvor godt i klarer jer på dansk tåber, vi har lige haft en større krise om nogle tegninger, vi er i stødet til at fornærme.

Now english isnt my main language as you might be able to see, but how well do you do when you need to write in a different language?

 
At 4:46 PM, Blogger Feba said...

Scorn, let me break it to you..



[GM]Dave isn't real.


How that went over your head is way beyond me.



Also, Lol at "Victim (read: victim)"

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Kittypenguin said...

doesn't the law say planning for crime is not a crime yet?

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger Uschi said...

Yeah, yeah. Next Feba's gonna be telling us the tooth fairy's not real.

 
At 6:53 PM, Blogger antigmdave said...

Incase you've forgotten. Neither are you.

 
At 7:53 PM, Blogger Mute said...

OMG dude!! man if there was a means to do so online, I'd buy you a shot of whatever your favorite whiskey is!! Thanks for another laugh to lighten my day with!! I swear each blog gets better and better!! :D

 
At 8:00 PM, Blogger Bugbby said...

Scorn, this stuff is meant as amusing entertainment, that's all.

"No shoes, no brain, no service."

Priceless.

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Dear antigmdave,

That was the dumbest thing anyone has ever said.

Ever.

I am not the one claiming to be a lawyer.

I am not the one threatening legal action.

I am not the one who is pretending to have some knowledge of the law.

I am not the one who signed an agreement stating exactly what is accepted behaviour.

I am not the one who signed an agreement stating exactly what we can do to your character in the event of violation.

I am not the one who tried to sound smart by posting a comment in someone's blog.

I'm not the one who fails at life.

That would be you.

Sincerely,
[GM]Dave

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger HTL2001 said...

^ owned.

Basicly... all ToS agreements seem to have that one thing at the end "oh and by the way, we can terminate you for any reason whatsoever" so they don't have to prove any other violation, they can just use that section

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger antigmdave said...

Dear gmdave,

"That was the dumbest thing anyone has ever said."

No, the dumbest thing anyone has ever said is "My friend from school gave me a burned copy of his Starcraft 2 CD. But it wont install. "

"Ever."

Incorrect.

"I am not the one claiming to be a lawyer."

Neither am I.

"I am not the one threatening legal action."

Yet you claim to know everything?

"I am not the one who is pretending to have some knowledge of the law."

And you put out defences as if you do?

"I am not the one who signed an agreement stating exactly what is accepted behaviour."

So you were employed without a contract?

"I am not the one who signed an agreement stating exactly what we can do to your character in the event of violation."

Good thing I never have, don't and never will play your game?

"I am not the one who tried to sound smart by posting a comment in someone's blog."

You try and sound smart every day you post entries.

"I'm not the one who fails at life."

That would be you.

Sincerely,
antigmdave

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger WindexHamster said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:43 PM, Blogger Reeree said...

Tard agro and Tard link in these comments.

Signs of a post that really hit home.

Why would someone who doesn't play Final Fantasy read this blog create an eponymous blogger account?

Seriously, here's a freaking ruler.

Yours is smaller.

 
At 11:48 PM, Blogger antigmdave said...

It was linked to me from the WoW forums.

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger Cyrex said...

"Nå jamen så lad mig se hvor godt i klarer jer på dansk tåber, vi har lige haft en større krise om nogle tegninger, vi er i stødet til at fornærme."

Tjaa.. Der er bare en ting du glemte, "[GM] Dave" er en falsk GM, ham der har lavent denne blog, har også lavet Goblin Smithy bloggen. Så hvad med at du skrider igen når du har tabt?

PS, hvilken server er du på?

Scornばかね^^ 凸(`∇´)凸

 
At 12:04 AM, Blogger Cyrex said...

"antigmdave said...

It was linked to me from the WoW forums. "

And WoW has real worse GM's than [GM] Dave lol

 
At 3:46 AM, Blogger yoyo mah said...

scorn said...
Wow you are one sad person I must say I really (pitty---pity) you.

I will guess you must be using velcro in your shoes since it takes an IQ of atleast 40 to tie shoe laces.

I come to think of the book ("american phsyko---American Psycho") when (i---I) read your posts, he has lost (grib---his grip on) of reality the same way you have.

You are simply unable to see the world in a greater perspective(,---.) (w--W)hat triggered this (i----I) dunno (don't know)(,--useless) and really (dont-----don't) care (either---useless word), (i----I) just feel sad for you.

(maybe----Maybe) (its---it's) the fact that (u----you) lack the (abillity-----ability) to get a better job, and the fact that you are stuck in (a) job you (dont----don't) like, you feel the need to take it out on innocent (ppl---people).

Sure (ppl---people) who cheat should get banned, but as an (authourity---authority) you need to treat them with respect. If you got pulled over by a cop for what ever reason, how would you like it if he treated you in the way you have treated these (ppl---people).

I bet you could come up with (a---useless word) thousands of excuses and try to prove me wrong(.---,) (But---but) the fact that you need to hide your (activeties----activities) from your (supperiors---superiors)(,---useless) seems to prove you know what you are doing is wrong, and in no way (follow you---follows your) so called ToS.

kk ty bye.

It also only takes an IQ of 40 to spell easy words such as it's and don't properly and to speak in complete sentences but you seem to fail horribly at doing so as shown above.

 
At 3:49 AM, Blogger Stocky said...

[QUOTE]It was linked to me from the WoW forums.[QUOTE]

You signed your own death warrent.

Obviously you didn't see what happened to your predecessors..I think a moral battering is in order.

(Note: If you created a blog I.D just to come and flame Dave, you must be somebody with too much free time)

 
At 4:12 AM, Blogger Kittypenguin said...

lol now we see how retard WoW players are.

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger Keilyn said...

lmoa It's not that kittypenguin, but I know what you mean. WoW has the most players so that means all kinds of people play therefore a greater amount of idiots. You can make tons of characters, so plenty of room for stupid people. I enjoy laughing at the people in here flaming [GM] Dave. Adds that extra spice to a great blog. I enjoy listening to any comedian saying something and then someone responding as if they were serious. Other than the fact even if [GM]Dave had done exactly that it's what the person deserved. You want to be treated with respect act respectful.

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

"""I am not the one who signed an agreement stating exactly what is accepted behaviour."

So you were employed without a contract?""

Cuse me, he wasn't employed. Not as a GM at SoE anyway.

"""I am not the one who signed an agreement stating exactly what we can do to your character in the event of violation."

Good thing I never have, don't and never will play your game?""

Who's game? You know GM Dave isn't real, right? That this is all fake?

"""I am not the one who tried to sound smart by posting a comment in someone's blog."

You try and sound smart every day you post entries.""

Excuse me, he is not trying to sound smart. He is trying to be funny andgive us a laugh or two. I know tao, and he is a nice, funny guy, not a smart-allec like you.



"""I'm not the one who fails at life."

That would be you.""

Sorry, that would be YOU.

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Lankist said...

I find it funny that the people who come in here and whine about [GM]Dave and how 'dumb' this all is are the people who do the retarded things in-game. It's not hard to tell, really. The people who don't do stupid stuff can laugh at this, while the stupid ones feel the undeniable urge to defend their stupidity.

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger Avarice said...

Seriously, you made an account for the sole purpose of, as lankist aptly put "defend(ing)(your)their stupidity".

Enough said.

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger Lankist said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

hey Cyrex - i know some of the WoW GMs. they're not all French, you know. some are pretty cool folks.

and a lot of them read [GM]Dave's blog and like it.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger Jhes said...

Wow, this blog is meant as comedy and a bunch of WoW fanboys come along and try to screw it up, seriously..go back to your own game, Go poke more orcs or whatever else it is that you all do.

at least [GM]Dave gives them a small chance to defend themselves. albeit more for his own amusement than anything. Keep up the good work Dave! & here's hoping you have time to level your craft inbetween feeding Jormy *cheer*

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Blah... I don't know. said...

Alright, I made a blog just to comment... Yes, I'm a loser ._.

But, I love the blog, and I've been reading since the third post.

<3 [GM]Dave

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Scully said...

Awww c'mon guys... Not ALL WoW players are that bad...

I'm a WoW player (obviously) and truly enjoy the [GM]Dave blog for the entertainment it is. Granted, I don't always appreciate all of the game-specific references, but overall, I'd love it if our friendly [GM] (read: Davey - kill me later for that) would move on over to Blizzard and start feeding idiots to dragons on my server.

We could use a little thinning of the herd on Thunderhorn, lemme tell ya...

=)

 
At 8:49 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

You know, we had gone so many posts without this kind of post section. I was SO hopeful that everyone would have given up with the "[GM]Dave is teh sux" bit. I mean, if you don't like the blog then just don't read it. Is that so hard? /sigh

But anyway, loved the post, good stuff all around.

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger Reeree said...

Scorn: Your language is silly!

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

"Scorn: Your language is silly!"


lmao

Oh man, I am so going to hell for laughing at that ^^;;

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger Evin said...

MY TOES ARE COLD!

 
At 1:16 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

OMG that was funny... wait i sound suprised, but its a forgone conclusion since dave wrote it :)

:::All Hail [GM]Dave:::

RAWR!!! and Scorn and antiGMdave you both trully and completely in all senses of phrase Fail at life and the internet..
You fail to have a grip on the difference between fantasy and realality that would normally grace a 5 year olds brain, i am supprised that you have not yet been run over while following your imaginary friends into traffic.
...
OH WAIT damn now they know those friends are real... shit i was hoping they would go play in traffic.. damn

 
At 5:53 AM, Blogger ihateregistering said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:30 AM, Blogger Rathanel said...

As always, love the blog.

Amazing how people always manage to completely miss the point, and then go off on tirades that do nothing more than scream out for all to see "I'm an asshole! And a moron!"

*passes out the popcorn*

Also, reason number 1 why Dave won't move to WoW: The percentage of the population that actually has a functional brain is lower than 1%. He'd have to start banning entire regions instead of just people.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Zemi said...

Lankist said...
I find it funny that the people who come in here and whine about [GM]Dave and how 'dumb' this all is are the people who do the retarded things in-game. It's not hard to tell, really. The people who don't do stupid stuff can laugh at this, while the stupid ones feel the undeniable urge to defend their stupidity.


Amen.

Love your work Dave, keep killing tards!

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger Helixia said...

Rathanel said...
Also, reason number 1 why Dave won't move to WoW: The percentage of the population that actually has a functional brain is lower than 1%. He'd have to start banning entire regions instead of just people.


As much as I would love to jump to the defense of WoW, since I play it, I have to agree with that assessment.

The massive amounts of stupidity do make for a gold mine of funny shit some days, but overall it's just a drool-cup worthy type of stupid.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger Sebb said...

I remember this one day that Dave did'nt write an update and I killed myself. OH GOD THATS NOW!

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Cecento said...

that was very amusing thanks

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger TecnoBrat said...

Ugh, I hate people who say "No one reads the ToS", well, I guess 'everyone' is a retard....

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger WhiteInferno said...

Yeah, it's 'Damn near everyone doesn't read the ToS'

Still, if you break the rules, your getting banned. Also, EVERY single post here has a violation.

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger Solid Squid said...

Sadly, http://sparkindarkness.livejournal.com who *is* a lawyer has had these kind of cases before. Yes, he's had clients who claimed it wasn't there responsibility to read the contract. IIRC it was a dispute over some land, contract said it wasn'ttheres, they said it was and wanted to go to court

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger bobby said...

This has to actually be one of the most entertaining ones I have ever read before.

 

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