Monday, May 29, 2006

Destructive Criticism

Alternate Title: "Being fed to a Dragon For Dummies."

Why do people feel the need to intentionally aggrivate me?

I mean, I understand how people do it unintentionally.

They're just retarded.

But why would someone go out of their way to annoy me when they know what I can (read: will) do to them?

You're reading a blog in which I detail the extensive torment that I will inflict on someone that bothers me. I have shown no remorse and have even revelled in their pain.

I love my job.

And my job is feeding people to dragons.

Have I ever given you the slightest inkling that I might take criticism well?

In case you have not figured it out (read: in case your are functionally retarded), I do not enjoy having people contradict me.


I have no patience when one of the mentally deficient simpletons that make these idiotic GM calls starts to tell me how to do my job.

And that's when they tell me how to do my job as a GM.

Imagine my frustration (read: endless, burning rage), when one of these e-tards starts telling me how to do my job...


This is my blog, people. If you don't like it, there's a big X up in the corner marked kiss my ass.

I don't ask you to read it.

I sure as hell don't make you read it.

So why do people feel the intense need to tell me how I should write my own damned blog?

I feed people to Jormungand because I think it's funny.

Big dragon, little morons.

It makes me laugh.

I don't give a good sweet damn if you think it's old. When I think it's old, then I'll find something new.

Now, if you want to post a comment in my blog or on a forum, that's cool. You read it, you didn't like it. I can accept that.

I'm not going to change anything, but I can accept that.

What annoys me is the total freakin' morons that actually send me GM calls to complain.

I want you to read that again.

People actually send GM calls to complain about a blog where I kill people who make stupid GM calls.

If you have ever considered sending me a GM call to complain about my writing, I would like you to take two aspirins.

To the temple.

Applied with a gun.

Just this morning, another one of these hapless halfwits, sent me a GM call to complain.

GM Call Description: Please remove my spine through my face.

Whoops. That's the paraphrased version.

GM Call Description: Complaint about [GM]Dave's blog

Oh lord, give me patience.

Or a gun.

Actually, let's just go with the gun.

Now, I could have just banned him outright. Give him the whole deluxe package with a side order of incendiary device.

I love the deluxe package.

But I decided to turn this into a teachable moment. You know, make this a learning experience for him.

Hopefully teach him that committing suicide is counter-productive.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I read here that you need your spine removed.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> ... No?
[GM]Dave>> Sorry. Paraphrasing.
[GM]Dave>> What can I do for you?
Player>> I like your blog.
[GM]Dave>> That's funny.
[GM]Dave>> Your complaint would seem to contradict that.
Player>> It's just...
Player>> It could be better.
[GM]Dave>> Well, GLORY BE!
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you tell me how, Mr. Salinger?
Player>> Who?
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Would you recognize the name Stephen King?
Player>> Oh yeah.
Player>> Christine was excellent.
[GM]Dave>> You do read.
[GM]Dave>> Will wonders never cease?
Player>> No.
Player>> But the movie was good.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> You're retarded.
Player>> Anyway, some of your jokes are getting old.
[GM]Dave>> Jokes?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you mean.
Player>> On your blog.
Player>> Some of those jokes are old.
Player>> And kind of stupid.

He doesn't want to be banned. He wants me to actually physically murder him.

He wants me to actually fly to his house and strangle him to death.

Note to self: buy plane ticket.

[GM]Dave>> Only because I am fascinated by your stupidity...
[GM]Dave>> What "jokes" would you like to see changed?
Player>> Well...
Player>> Feeding people to Jormungand is getting tired.
[GM]Dave>> He seems to enjoy it.
Player>> Couldn't you come up with something new?
[GM]Dave>> What an interesting idea, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't we do that?


Area: Upper Delkfutt's Tower

Player>> Wait...
Player>> Where are...

The Magic Pot hits Player for 1,427 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Magic Pot.

[GM]Dave>> Well?
[GM]Dave>> Is that funnier?
[GM]Dave>> But I could have a catch phrase.
[GM]Dave>> Like "They always said Pot was dangerous."
Player>> YOU JERK!
[GM]Dave>> Alright, alright.
[GM]Dave>> You big baby.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Player.

[GM]Dave>> Is that better?
Player>> I guess.
[GM]Dave>> Good.


Area: Den of Rancor

Player>> Oh damn.

The Bullbeggar hits Player for 1,879 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Bulbeggar.

[GM]Dave>> Was that funnier than the Magic Pot?
[GM]Dave>> No?

At that point, he HP'ed.

And then immediately disconnected.

That's okay though. I have patience when it comes to torture.

A few hours later, he decides to log back in. You know, test the waters.


Shrine of Ru'Avitau

Player>> Oh please.
Player>> Not again.
[GM]Dave>> Now, you can DC again if you want.
[GM]Dave>> But we're going to do this every single day...
[GM]Dave>> Until we find the funny.
Player>> ...
Player>> Fine. I'll do it.
[GM]Dave>> That's the spirit.
Player>> You're making me do it.
[GM]Dave>> No. I meant That's the spirit.

Dark Elemental hits Player for 1,325 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Dark Elemental.
Player falls to level 59.

Player>> OH COME ON!
Player>> These things don't even aggro!
[GM]Dave>> I guess he just doesn't like you.
[GM]Dave>> Was it funnier?
Player>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> Personally, I thought the Bullbeggar was funnier.
Player>> Are we done yet?
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> We're just getting started.

Fast forward to four hours later.

The Tropical Rarab hits Player for 1,564 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Tropical Rarab.
Player falls to level 31.

[GM]Dave>> Now THAT was funny.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing funnier than a bunny rabbit.
Player>> *pathetic whimpering*
[GM]Dave>> What have we learned?
Player>> ... Jormungand is funny?
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> Asking stupid questions is wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> We did some good work today, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to set your level back?
Player>> ...
Player>> Would you do that?
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.

It's funny. After that, he didn't complain about Jormungand so much.

Something to think about before you make a stupid comment.


At 7:18 PM, Blogger Corby said...

Are these events really real? They seem made up kinda...

At 7:23 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Dear Corby,

Thank you for reading the blog. I always appreciate hearing from my fans.

By the way, you fail at life.

Your truly,

At 7:36 PM, Blogger nano said...

[GM]Dave>> Only because I am facinated by you stupidity...

Warning - talking to morons can be infectious. Your language skills are par excellence, but continued contact with mentally deficient players seems to have introduced a grammatical error in your blog, a 'you' where 'your' belongs.

Please don't become infected!! To combat stupidity, try playing WoW. Complete immersion in idiocy should give you a healthy immunity to the FFXI morons.

At 7:40 PM, Blogger Kat said...

*Insert comment here about how unfunny your jokes really are*

At 7:44 PM, Blogger Kumaren said...

Go dave go! Go dave go!


At 8:07 PM, Blogger Tobaba said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 8:07 PM, Blogger Tobaba said...

Corby, Corby, Corby ...

*hugs [GM]Dave* personally the dragon bit never gets old but I'd like my own pet dragon to feed coworkers to.

At 8:40 PM, Blogger Andy said...

[GM]Dave>> Nothing funnier than a bunny rabbit.

There has never been a statement truer than that. Ever.

2+2=4 has less truth.

At 8:47 PM, Blogger Kumaren said...

Jormy bit gets old sometimes, but it's still pretty funny.

At 9:05 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

Idiots being punished for idiocy is funny, no matter how many times you do it the same way or diffrent ways.

What is a practitioner of Davism called?

At 9:08 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

That aspirin joke (read: advice) was pure genius. You are the greatest. ^^

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

bwahaha! Oh lord, much funny in this one. Especially the rabbit bit. And a good send off too, all you lucky people get to read [GM]Dave for the next 2 weeks but I don't ; ;

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Rathanel said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 9:22 PM, Blogger Rathanel said...

nano catches the "you" mistake, and completely misses the spelling mistake of "facinated". Alas, I can only give one thumb-up for the effort. [/spellingnazi]

And corby does indeed fail at life. But, in order to help him get back on his feet, I have some excellent beach-front property in Iowa that I'm looking to sell for a very reasonable price. All the girls will come swarming (in bikinis, no less, seeing as how it's the beach and all) when you have your new house on the beach. Just think about it.

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Steve said...

Fake or not... It's good entertainment. I enjoy reading these every day.

Thanks for the place to waste my time... Because I wasn't going to do anything productive with it anyway.


At 9:30 PM, Blogger lithpiperpilot said...


Seriously, that was awesome. I do think the rarab was the funniest out of those.

At 9:34 PM, Blogger Thistle said...

Player>> OH COME ON!
Player>> These things don't even aggro!

You made me giggle out loud.

At 10:23 PM, Blogger Cabanaboyrylan said...

Have you read "A Perfect Day for Bananafish?"

At 10:24 PM, Blogger Hutea said...

Area: Den of Rancor
Player>> Oh damn.


At 11:34 PM, Blogger Pascal said...

LOL this blog is going everyday better! <3 Dave!

At 12:03 AM, Blogger Lushipur said...

Fairy - 9 P.M. GMT+1

An antire ally was fed to Jormy ;_;
Almighty [GM]Dave how can u be so cruel? ;_;

[sorry for Engrish, i'm italian and i'm too retard to check grammar XD]

At 12:04 AM, Blogger Julia said...

[GM]Dave>> But I could have a catch phrase.
[GM]Dave>> Like "They always said Pot was dangerous."
Player>> YOU JERK!
[GM]Dave>> Alright, alright.
[GM]Dave>> You big baby.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Player.

[GM]Dave>> Is that better?
Player>> I guess.
[GM]Dave>> Good.


Area: Den of Rancor

Player>> Oh damn.

Oh, my God. The catchphrase line was almost enough to make me fall out of my chair, but it just kept getting better and better.

Thank you for bringing back "teh funney" :)

At 12:06 AM, Blogger Mute said...

High marks to all the means of death!
the magic pot about split my sides open and I'm always fond of a good rancor feeding. But the rabbit was indeed priceless! :D

Oh and fuck everyone!! Dragons need to eat too!!

At 12:33 AM, Blogger Alexiel said...

I have to admit.. Reading your blog puts a smile on my face. I too have a job in Customer Service. Not in a game, but a customer service job nonetheless. Customers can be real idiots, no matter where they are.

Rock on and keep serving justice! :D

At 1:03 AM, Blogger Deria said...

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said: "Against criticism a man can neither protest nor defend himself; he must act in spite of it, and then it will gradually yield to him.”

At 1:04 AM, Blogger Deria said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1:20 AM, Blogger Ninboy said...

Corby said...

Are these events really real? They seem made up kinda...

Yes corby, its all real. He is a real GM. Also the other blog "Goblin Smithy" is writen by a real goblin.

At 1:37 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

LMAO omg dave you get better every week, please never get bored of punishing the dribbling masses that mistake theif jelly inbetween the ears for any semblence of intelligence

All hail dave god of customer service

At 2:09 AM, Blogger mosca do ecrâ said...

oO no banning? how can this be? it must have been a [GM]DAVE inpersonator. I refuse to belive this!

At 2:40 AM, Blogger Aylee said...

This is kind of a stupid question.. but does the dragon actually exist? If so, where is it found? Kinda be fun to watch it for a bit, see if newbies suddenly pop up to be eaten by the foul creature.

I think this blog is utterly and totally made up - and yet I also believe that the person behind [GM]Dave is in fact a GM. Who dosen't like to express their darker side every once in a while?

It's darn funny as well.

I'm Aylee from Ramuh server if anyone wants to get in touch. Next week.. this week I'm not going to be online. And [GM]Dave if you DO ban me... remember that I'm one of the nicest people on the server, and I rarely if ever bother the GM staff. ^^

At 3:41 AM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

Dave, what race are you?

If you're a Taru, I'm never reading this blog again.. damn Keebler Elves..

Same goes for if you're a Mithra. Well.. actually, if it's a hot Mithra, then I don't care.

At 4:50 AM, Blogger StealthBomber said...

Dave's doing nothing wrong. I'll never get tired of Jormy (specially after reading that x.x). Your jokes have never gotten old. DOnt let the idiot jerks tell you wrong, cause you'll always have 1 fan :D.

At 5:24 AM, Blogger Dramanue of Fenrir said...

Aylee, Jormy is a dragon in Uleguerand Range ( Has true sight and can eat you very quickly... While doing the map quest for Ule, I saw it, but went way around him so I didn't get eaten... then later I got killed by a group of demons. >_<

At 5:33 AM, Blogger Dramanue of Fenrir said...

Then again... if you're asking if it actually exists... well...
{That also has a link to Fenrir's story if you're interested in that too. ^_^}

At 5:41 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

"This is my blog, people. If you don't like it, there's a big X up in the corner marked kiss my ass."

I spit my coffee out at that statement!

Rock on! Keep writing! I love your blog; it makes my work day go bye much faster.

At 5:41 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

^^ I spelled "by" wrong. Sorry. >.<

At 5:56 AM, Blogger Kage said...

Four hours? Nice. That beats the two thousands kills I got rezzraping noobs in NWN in about three hours.

On a side note, to all of the people questioning whether he's a GM or not...

Does it really matter? And if it does, the answer is, you need a life.

At 6:11 AM, Blogger Dramanue of Fenrir said...

Just a quick nit-picky question, I noticed that the player complained that the elementals don't normally aggro (obviously Dave made it aggro), but said nothing about the Magic Pot. If memory serves right, the only things that aggro to sight/sound in UDT are Gigas (up to around 74 I think) and some bats. The rest (pots and dolls) aggro to magic use. But, meh, that's just me.

At 6:24 AM, Blogger Elinea said...

If I didn't think you were funny, I wouldn't read you almost everyday, period. And can I have my own dragon to feed my coworkers too please?? I've made the threat a few times recently.

At 7:11 AM, Blogger Fretion said...

Dramanue my guess would be that since the player was level 60, he hadn't been up there yet to know that Magic Pots don't aggro except to magic. And, just because they don't aggro one place ... biggest shock I ever got in the game was back when I went to Kuftal tunnel for the first time. I was like, crabs ... ah, they never aggro ... run run ... WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! ... dead ... O.o

At 7:33 AM, Blogger Dramanue of Fenrir said...

By your summation, Fretion, I am to conclude that the player in fact cast something (since he did not "know" that pots do not aggro to anything except for magic)? This was a guess of mine, too. If the player were a mage class, one would guess that he attempted to Warp or Escape out, or, at the very least, cast Sneak/Invis on himself due to a momentary lapse into panic. So, yes, I do agree with you, although such actions were not present in the transcript.

Area: Upper Delkfutt's Tower
Player>> Wait...
Player>> Where are...

Player>> Oh shi-
Player starts casting Warp.
The Magic Pot hits Player for 1,427 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Magic Pot.

At 3:17 PM, Blogger Fretion said...

No, actually, what I was saying is that he might not have been aware that pots are non-aggro. Of course, from the sounds of it, he's obliviuos to a lot of things.

Keep up the good work Dave ... ever think of publishing? Your writing is very entertaining.

At 3:38 PM, Blogger Sorencia said...

GM]Dave>> Now, you can DC again if you want.
[GM]Dave>> But we're going to do this every single day...
[GM]Dave>> Until we find the funny.

Good stuff :)

At 3:53 PM, Blogger misspriss said...

To any naysayers:


and ladies please stop begging to have his babies!

I mean offer casual sex if you must but [GM]Dave fathering children? Come on now! We don't want him going soft on us.

No babies!

At 3:59 PM, Blogger Corby said...

Damn, this blog is funny, but too bad this stuff is just bullshit. If it was actually real, it would've been funnier. But good job nonetheless.

At 5:32 PM, Blogger Chronofantasy said...

Actually, WoW are moron rejects from FFXI, and those who were moron enough to quit FFXI to go to play WoW. FFXI Ftw!

I thought that was quite interesting, at least that guy got to see players (Read: Retards) getting eaten by different monsters, even though it was front row.

Actually, there's one FFXI law out there: No matter how powerful and strong you get, there's always a bunny out there that can kick your ass, and [GM]Dave brought this out :D

At 1:08 AM, Blogger weary samurai said...

GM]Dave>> Now, you can DC again if you want.
[GM]Dave>> But we're going to do this every single day...
[GM]Dave>> Until we find the funny.

thats just ridiculously awesome hahaha. ahhh i think your shit is new everytime.

At 12:00 AM, Blogger The Answer said...

mmmm.... tropical bunnies, sure, but vorpal rabbits in ordelle caves would've done wonders :) perhaps even a stroper chyme in the mix afterwards, maybe change his job to paladin or darknight or something too.


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