Destructive Criticism
Alternate Title: "Being fed to a Dragon For Dummies."Why do people feel the need to intentionally aggrivate me?
I mean, I understand how people do it unintentionally.
They're just retarded.
But why would someone go out of their way to annoy me when they know what I can (read: will) do to them?
You're reading a blog in which I detail the extensive torment that I will inflict on someone that bothers me. I have shown no remorse and have even revelled in their pain.
I love my job.
And my job is feeding people to dragons.
Have I ever given you the slightest inkling that I might take criticism well?
In case you have not figured it out (read: in case your are functionally retarded), I do not enjoy having people contradict me.
Seriously.
I have no patience when one of the mentally deficient simpletons that make these idiotic GM calls starts to tell me how to do my job.
And that's when they tell me how to do my job as a GM.
Imagine my frustration (read: endless, burning rage), when one of these e-tards starts telling me how to do my job...
AS [GM]DAVE.
This is my blog, people. If you don't like it, there's a big X up in the corner marked kiss my ass.
I don't ask you to read it.
I sure as hell don't make you read it.
So why do people feel the intense need to tell me how I should write my own damned blog?
I feed people to Jormungand because I think it's funny.
Big dragon, little morons.
It makes me laugh.
I don't give a good sweet damn if you think it's old. When I think it's old, then I'll find something new.
Now, if you want to post a comment in my blog or on a forum, that's cool. You read it, you didn't like it. I can accept that.
I'm not going to change anything, but I can accept that.
What annoys me is the total freakin' morons that actually send me GM calls to complain.
I want you to read that again.
People actually send GM calls to complain about a blog where I kill people who make stupid GM calls.
If you have ever considered sending me a GM call to complain about my writing, I would like you to take two aspirins.
To the temple.
Applied with a gun.
Just this morning, another one of these hapless halfwits, sent me a GM call to complain.
GM Call Description: Please remove my spine through my face.
Whoops. That's the paraphrased version.
GM Call Description: Complaint about [GM]Dave's blog
Oh lord, give me patience.
Or a gun.
Actually, let's just go with the gun.
Now, I could have just banned him outright. Give him the whole deluxe package with a side order of incendiary device.
I love the deluxe package.
But I decided to turn this into a teachable moment. You know, make this a learning experience for him.
Hopefully teach him that committing suicide is counter-productive.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I read here that you need your spine removed.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> ... No?
[GM]Dave>> Sorry. Paraphrasing.
[GM]Dave>> What can I do for you?
Player>> I like your blog.
[GM]Dave>> That's funny.
[GM]Dave>> Your complaint would seem to contradict that.
Player>> It's just...
Player>> It could be better.
[GM]Dave>> Well, GLORY BE!
[GM]Dave>> Why don't you tell me how, Mr. Salinger?
Player>> Who?
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Would you recognize the name Stephen King?
Player>> Oh yeah.
Player>> Christine was excellent.
[GM]Dave>> You do read.
[GM]Dave>> Will wonders never cease?
Player>> No.
Player>> But the movie was good.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> You're retarded.
Player>> Anyway, some of your jokes are getting old.
[GM]Dave>> Jokes?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you mean.
Player>> On your blog.
Player>> Some of those jokes are old.
Player>> And kind of stupid.
He doesn't want to be banned. He wants me to actually physically murder him.
He wants me to actually fly to his house and strangle him to death.
Note to self: buy plane ticket.
[GM]Dave>> Only because I am fascinated by your stupidity...
[GM]Dave>> What "jokes" would you like to see changed?
Player>> Well...
Player>> Feeding people to Jormungand is getting tired.
[GM]Dave>> He seems to enjoy it.
Player>> Couldn't you come up with something new?
[GM]Dave>> What an interesting idea, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't we do that?
*warp*
Area: Upper Delkfutt's Tower
Player>> Wait...
Player>> Where are...
The Magic Pot hits Player for 1,427 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Magic Pot.
[GM]Dave>> Well?
[GM]Dave>> Is that funnier?
Player>> NO THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
Player>> YOU KILLED ME.
[GM]Dave>> But I could have a catch phrase.
[GM]Dave>> Like "They always said Pot was dangerous."
Player>> YOU JERK!
[GM]Dave>> Alright, alright.
[GM]Dave>> You big baby.
[GM]Dave casts Raise on Player.
[GM]Dave>> Is that better?
Player>> I guess.
[GM]Dave>> Good.
*warp*
Area: Den of Rancor
Player>> Oh damn.
The Bullbeggar hits Player for 1,879 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Bulbeggar.
[GM]Dave>> Was that funnier than the Magic Pot?
[GM]Dave>> No?
At that point, he HP'ed.
And then immediately disconnected.
That's okay though. I have patience when it comes to torture.
A few hours later, he decides to log back in. You know, test the waters.
*warp*
Area: Shrine of Ru'Avitau
Player>> Oh please.
Player>> Not again.
[GM]Dave>> Now, you can DC again if you want.
[GM]Dave>> But we're going to do this every single day...
[GM]Dave>> Until we find the funny.
Player>> ...
Player>> Fine. I'll do it.
[GM]Dave>> That's the spirit.
Player>> You're making me do it.
[GM]Dave>> No. I meant That's the spirit.
Dark Elemental hits Player for 1,325 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Dark Elemental.
Player falls to level 59.
Player>> OH COME ON!
Player>> These things don't even aggro!
[GM]Dave>> I guess he just doesn't like you.
[GM]Dave>> Was it funnier?
Player>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> Personally, I thought the Bullbeggar was funnier.
Player>> Are we done yet?
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> We're just getting started.
Fast forward to four hours later.
The Tropical Rarab hits Player for 1,564 points of damage.
Player was defeated by the Tropical Rarab.
Player falls to level 31.
[GM]Dave>> Now THAT was funny.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing funnier than a bunny rabbit.
Player>> *pathetic whimpering*
[GM]Dave>> What have we learned?
Player>> ... Jormungand is funny?
[GM]Dave>> And?
Player>> Asking stupid questions is wrong.
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> We did some good work today, Timmy.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to set your level back?
Player>> ...
Player>> Would you do that?
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Not really.
It's funny. After that, he didn't complain about Jormungand so much.
Something to think about before you make a stupid comment.
posted by Goblin Smithy @ 5:53 PM
13 Comments:
Dear Corby,
Thank you for reading the blog. I always appreciate hearing from my fans.
By the way, you fail at life.
Your truly,
[GM]Dave
*Insert comment here about how unfunny your jokes really are*
[GM]Dave>> Nothing funnier than a bunny rabbit.
There has never been a statement truer than that. Ever.
2+2=4 has less truth.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
nano catches the "you" mistake, and completely misses the spelling mistake of "facinated". Alas, I can only give one thumb-up for the effort. [/spellingnazi]
And corby does indeed fail at life. But, in order to help him get back on his feet, I have some excellent beach-front property in Iowa that I'm looking to sell for a very reasonable price. All the girls will come swarming (in bikinis, no less, seeing as how it's the beach and all) when you have your new house on the beach. Just think about it.
Fake or not... It's good entertainment. I enjoy reading these every day.
Thanks for the place to waste my time... Because I wasn't going to do anything productive with it anyway.
-Steve
LOL this blog is going everyday better! <3 Dave!
oO no banning? how can this be? it must have been a [GM]DAVE inpersonator. I refuse to belive this!
"This is my blog, people. If you don't like it, there's a big X up in the corner marked kiss my ass."
I spit my coffee out at that statement!
Rock on! Keep writing! I love your blog; it makes my work day go bye much faster.
^^ I spelled "by" wrong. Sorry. >.<
If I didn't think you were funny, I wouldn't read you almost everyday, period. And can I have my own dragon to feed my coworkers too please?? I've made the threat a few times recently.
Dramanue my guess would be that since the player was level 60, he hadn't been up there yet to know that Magic Pots don't aggro except to magic. And, just because they don't aggro one place ... biggest shock I ever got in the game was back when I went to Kuftal tunnel for the first time. I was like, crabs ... ah, they never aggro ... run run ... WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! ... dead ... O.o
No, actually, what I was saying is that he might not have been aware that pots are non-aggro. Of course, from the sounds of it, he's obliviuos to a lot of things.
Keep up the good work Dave ... ever think of publishing? Your writing is very entertaining.
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