Wednesday, April 26, 2006

[GM]s of the World UNITE!

This one goes out to my fellow GMs, people who just don't get enough respect.

Remember: we're the only thing standing between the playerbase and utter chaos.

Also, guys, thanks for keeping my identity secret.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Could you imagine what Vana'diel would be like without GMs?

RMT would monopolize the game. The economy would be out of control. Chat logs would be clogged with mindless gibberish.

It's too terrible to even consider.

But, no. We're not appreciated. Players just bitch and whine and whine and bitch about every little thing we do.

And then they ask us to pose for screenshots.

Do you players have any idea how hard it is to be a GM? Do you?

Earlier today, I sat down with some of my GM friends while we were on a coffee (read: whisky) break. We were all telling funny stories about stupid players and laughing our asses off.

We even started a drinking game where we all had to do a shot everytime a GM call about gilsellers or botters popped up.

Three people died of alcohol poisoning.

While we were talking though, someone started talking about the things that annoy us GMs the most: the "this is how to do your job" idiots.

I'm sure we appreciate your pedantic little opinions on the GM job. I can't know for certain because usually when people start to tell me how to do my own job, they mysteriously end up dying from dragon-related injuries.

Go figure.

Listen. We don't come to McDonald's and tell you how to flip the damned fries, do we? I don't come to Walmart and slap the price gun out of your hand, do I?

So, why the hell do you try and tell me how to do my job?

Right after our "coffee" break, I got a random GM call and I'm just happy (read: drunk) enough to respond.

GM Call Description: Gilseller camping Archer's Knife.

He said gilseller.

*downs a shot*

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer. Cheers!
Player>> Uhh... what?
[GM]Dave>> Nevermind.
[GM]Dave>> What can I do you for?
Player>> I'm camping for an Archer's Knife
Player>> And there's a gilseller here.

*downs a shot*

[GM]Dave>> A what?
Player>> A gilseller.

*downs a shot*

[GM]Dave>> Oh... a gilsheller.

*downs a shot*
[GM]Dave's blood alcohol skill raises by 0.1 points.

Player>> Yeah. He's been here for five days straight.
[GM]Dave>> How do you know?
Player>> Cause I've been here for five days straight.
[GM]Dave>> So you're a gilseller, then.

*downs a shot*

Note to self: Must stop drinking. Going to die.

Player>> Hell no!
Player>> I didn't say that.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, you did.
Player>> No I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> You said he was a gilseller
[GM]Dave>> Just because he was there for 5 days.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And then you said you were there for 5 days.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And 2 plus 2 equals...
Player>> 4?

*makes a note in player account*

Attention: Player is apparently mildly retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Logic and math skills.
[GM]Dave>> You must beat the girls off with a stick.
Player>> Yeah. A stick +1. lol

*makes a note in player account*

Attention: Player is apparently mildly functionally retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Funny.
[GM]Dave>> What the hell did you want again?
Player>> That gilseller. You need to do something.
[GM]Dave>> No, I don't.
Player>> You need to ban him.
[GM]Dave>> No, I really don't.
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> This is me not banning him.
Player>> But it's your job.

And there we have it, the three words that will piss off every GM on our planet:

"It's your job."

Do you know what my job is? My job is to feed people to dragons. That's it.

If you think my job is to do whatever the hell you think is right, you are horribly misinformed (read: stupid).

I won't ban someone just because you want them banned.

I ban people just because I want them banned.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I know my job.

My job is dealing with morons who tell me how to do my job.

And how do I deal with morons?

[GM]Dave>> Listen, gilseller, I'm not banning him.
[GM]Dave>> Complain all you want.
Player>> I'm going to get you fired.

*makes a note in player account*

Attention: Player is apparently mildly functionally super retarded.

[GM]Dave>> Would you like me to transfer you to the complaints manager?


Player>> Yes. Right now.


Player>> Uhhhh...
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to Things You Shouldn't Say 101.


[GM]Dave>> Guess what his job is.

Jormungand hits Player for 8,499 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Yay! You guessed!
[GM]Dave>> I mean died...
[GM]Dave>> Yay! You died!

I'm sure you're real smart. I'm sure you've even read a book once.

Maybe even without pictures.

But how about you not tell me how things are supposed to go? Let's pretend I know what I'm doing.

I'll let you know if I need help.

Or extra dragon food.


At 1:49 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

"Three people died of alcohol poisoning."

Hahaha, that's awesome. I love your blog.

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Blkdragongirl of Fairy said...

Gilsheller! You sound like the guys in FF-X. Dave you rock man.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger haxman said...

I once was a GM, it was pleasant.

At 2:58 PM, Blogger Squirt said...

[GM]Dave>> Yay! You guessed!
[GM]Dave>> I mean died...
[GM]Dave>> Yay! You died!

Squirt bursts out laughing beside [GM]Dave.

At 3:00 PM, Blogger Keilyn said...

lol Wow...maybe when trying to get someone banned people should think of an example that isn't exactly the same as what they're doing. Oh wait..."retards" don't know how to explain properly. Fantastic!

At 3:10 PM, Blogger Muza said...

Heh, stupid players aren't just hard on GMs.

Me(DRK): Hey, think I could get a refresh? These gobs throw too many bombs.

Red Mage: Sorry, Paladin and White Mage need it more. Just sit and rest.

Me: {Dark Knight}TP: 83% {call10}

Inevitably the next battle involves the party taking a 500-odd Goblin Bomb to the nuts.

But that's neither here nor there. My real question, being that at least one of you is a GM and this entire blog is about how stupid players interact with GMs, is how does a player who's IQ is greater than our job level interract with GMs.

For example, let's say I'm camping a cash NM like Mee Deghi and start outclaiming other people regularly. (A fantasy for me, I suck at camping/claiming NMs.) Someone mistakes my prowess with Charm or Provoke for a Claimbot and calls a GM. Now let's say I get mildly sociopathic GM like you, or worse yet Jcblue, who has dealt with approximately 300 "ZOMG! GILSELLERZORZ TOOK MY NMZ! BAN THEM PLEEZ!" calls already. How do I communicate with said ban-happy GM that not only am I innocent, but that the person who made the call would likely make a very tastey snack for Vrtra or Jormugand?

I've seen several screenshots of people who faced this situation. 905% of the time the freak down and start cursing the GM, the GM's mother, SE, the demon who gave birth to SE, and the RMT who obviously reported them, and how it's so unfair that they get banned for nothing or, better yet, for using a Windower, (From what I've heard you guys really don't care about windower users until you see them blabbing about it their records, so I have no pity for them.) and yet the RMT's get free reign and all sorts of other mostly useless conspiracies about GMs and RMTs being in cahoots, etc, etc, ad infitum.

As far as I can tell this gets you nowhere, (In fact from your blog it sounds like you enjoy increasing their sentences for this.) but for those of us without smooth-lobed brains, how can we communicate our innocence? Is there any proof I can provide to get us out of a suspension? I've considered bluffing that I play on a PS2 if this situation ever happens to me, (Which may or may not be a lie, considering both of my friends use the PS2 as their FFXI platform.) but if you guys have a way of detecting our current platform I'd be screwed if I lied.

Should I even be worried? Can you really check our logs and "No evidence of bot usage, the reporter must be full of shit!" or "No evidence of bot usage, but this guy's a dick and is blaming it on RMTs so I'll suspend him anyway!"

Keep in mind I'm probably going to post any reply I recieve on Alla, so any help you can give me would probably end up making your job minutely more pleasent. -Muza

At 3:32 PM, Blogger Kieko said...

You you right above me the DRK. Stop complaining Refresh is a privilege us RDM give! lol.. Yea anway call [GM]Dave over it im sure he will help you out! ^.~ Btw Dave I love this shit! :D keep up the good work! (And by that I mean dont let that dragon go hungry.)

At 3:40 PM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

I'm sitting in COBOL right now, ignoring my professor, and I had to struggle to keep from laughing while reading this. O.o Oy, he would not be happy... :-) But I am! :-D

Please, never let this blog end. It brings too much joy to the lives of so many people.

At 3:40 PM, Blogger Reeree said...


You get Red Mages that actually soil themselves by answering your request (read:whine) for a refresh?

You can't prove your innocence to [GM]Dave. Your existence proves otherwise. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of [GM]Dave.

Even things you don't say will be used against you in the court of [GM]Dave.

I'm just a mule, and I know this.

Can I help you with anything else today?

At 4:03 PM, Blogger Steve said...

Wow, I'm reading someone's blog and actually laughing about it!

Oh [GM]Dave, how I love you... in a very platonic way... *shifty eyes*

At 4:42 PM, Blogger Muza said...

^^ I took RDM to 67, not 75 as you guys must have, but I've still never been right in the mind since. But this blog isn't about whether or not the Dark Knight should have to rest for his MP.

Anyway, people who cry about RMTs, like the poor bastard in your post, don't get it. GMs know who the gilsellers are, probably more so than the players, but the gilselling business is like the mafia. Sure you can ban every RMT you find as soon their confirmed and they might lose a few million gil. Or you can wait a few months, watch what that RMT does, who he deals with and where the money goes and make a HUEG LIEK X-BOX bust like what happened in February and kill of hundreds of RMT accounts and nix billions of gil.

Moral: SE and their GMs know what they're doing, they know theres a problem with RMT. They know that Thief who's been camping that NM for a week straight is a gilfarmer and they're doing something about it. So shuddup and let them do their real job: Fishing people out of the water in Windurst, feeding idiots to Jormugand, and arbitrarily banning windower users stupid enough to admit they do it.

At 5:03 PM, Blogger Reeree said...


You're a towel.

At 5:30 PM, Blogger Muza said...

Towel is good, I like towels.

At 1:24 AM, Blogger dj4mula said...

Dave, your posts are always funny. Gotta love the downing of liquor for each time someone says gilfarmer. Here you go bud, take a few shots on me. You seem to boot stupid players to Jorm, why not gil farmers? Yes, those gil farmers that we all know are gil farmers.

Anyways, keep up the good work ^.^m

At 5:30 AM, Blogger Inia said...

We even started a drinking game where we all had to do a shot everytime a GM call about gilsellers or botters popped up.

Three people died of alcohol poisoning.

So glad I've learned to put down my cup while reading this. It would have had coffee (read: whiskey) all over it.


At 6:36 AM, Blogger Meroduin said...

You want to know how to prove your innocence? Here's a few tips:
1) Use proper grammar and sentence structure.
2) Scream in real life, but take your time composing your answer when you type. Read what you have typed before you press enter.
3) Take your time explaining yourself. Why rush?
4) Swearing at a GM or another player is a separate, bannable offense. Why should the GM bother to investigate the truth of the original call if you're going to hand him an offense he can ban you for? Follow the Shakespeare method for insulting someone if you have to; foul comparisons instead of foul words but better yet keep your opinions to yourself and stick to the FACTS.

Yelling at someone who is enforcing rules or supposed to be helping you never works. It works even less when you don't have body language or vocal intonations to help decipher what is really meant. Rules are rules, and FFXI is a game, not a country. You don't have rights, you get privileges, and those privileges are granted to you by Square and can be revoked at any time. Or in this case, fed to a dragon.

At 11:44 AM, Blogger Shiphrah said...

I don't like the term "gilfarmers". I mean, isn't that the whole reason why the standard player goes farming? To get stuff to sell for more gil to people who are too lazy to go get it themselves?

At 12:40 PM, Blogger [gm]me said...

Dave, you are an idiot. Why dont you actually do something about botters and gil sellers, and maybe then you wont get so many complaints, instead of abusing your GM powers.

At 9:15 AM, Blogger Danica said...

...did that dude seriously just tell [GM]Dave how to do his job with such a lameass name as [gm]me? fail, [gm]me.

At 9:21 AM, Blogger Kaskaru said...

Hey there! Ive been thinking about this for a while... people on Ramuh are *constantly* speaking trash about SE and Gm's. This can be sorta to really irritating, depending on how often i have heard that person complain. Its like.... look, if you dont like the way this game is run, why do you pay every month and spend every day on? I am smart enough to know that i play the game way way too much, but silly enough to keep playing.

I happen to think this game is the best one on the market atm, the graphics are super and the gameplay is awesome. There is nothing wrong with FF11. There *is* something wrong with alot of the players, who bring their sour attitudes to the game. Most of the complaints people have actually have little to do with things that are actually controllable by SE. If people werent greedy, there wouldnt be gil-sellers/buyers, etc.

I really doubt that all the people who complain about how GM's do their job would do half as well if they were presented the opportunity. People talk trash about GM's, then call them the moment they need help. You cant have it both ways guys!!!!!!!!!

GM "Dave", reading your blog amused me in so many ways. I applaud the way you deal with stupid people. You made me laugh out loud several times in my school library and i got some really bad looks.

Continue fighting the good fight!!!!


At 3:04 AM, Blogger AnotherGM said...

Well I can honestly say that I am a GM as well. And I can truly sympathize with everything GM "DAVE" says. He is a man speaking the truth. I want to throw in my little hated things about players. Number 1. Come watch me fight this NM. HAHA like I have nothing better to do then stare at bunch of people standing still. I'd much rather take the stapler from my desk and begin to staple smiley faces on my forearm. 2. I dropped "jimmy hoffas head" or whatever else your chubby greased up fingers stumbled upon dropping while you sucked the crumbs off your unicorn T-shirt. I don't care what it was nor how long you worked to get it. Its gone and ain't coming back. Get over it. And finally number 3. Anyone and everyone that complains that someone called you anything. The designers of the game came up with a novel solution to this problem. Its the BLACKLIST. Its really easy to activate and guess what, you will never hear from them again. Thats right it will solve your problem. But I always get this golden response. "I want to hear what they say" Then why you calling us? With these thoughts I leave you.
Yours Truly


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