Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Only Good Bot is a Dead Bot

There are no good bots.

There are no bots that are acceptable by even the farthest stretch of the imagination. Any program you are running that performs game actions for you is evil.

And you are bad for using them.


That's why I do not feel any remorse for dealing with (read: horribly mutilating) a botter/cheater.

And the excuses. Oh lord.

Here are just a few of the excuses I see every single day.

[GM]Dave>> You've been caught using a fishing bot.
Botter>> Uh, yeah... I had to use the bathroom
Botter>> So, I told my two year old to press the buttons
Botter>> But not answer any tells

[GM]Dave>> You've been caught using a Provoke script.
Botter>> Uh, yeah... I just tab through all the targets in the room
Botter>> At inhuman speeds.
Botter>> I'm just real fast is all.

[GM]Dave>> You've been caught using a speedhack.
Botter>> Uh, yeah... this isn't my computer
Botter>> This is my cousins computer
Botter>> And I totally didn't know that was there

Do you honestly expect anyone to believe you?

You just didn't notice that you were running at three times the normal speed. Surrrrrrre you didn't.

I would honestly prefer if a botter would just man up and tell me they were wrong and that they're sorry. That would be cool.

I might even not ban them.

Might being the operative word there.

But no. Every damned time, the stupid botter has to argue about how innocent they are.

Yesterday, I was called over to the Ga'Bhu Unvanquished spawn point in Beadeaux.

GM Call Description: Camping Valk Mask. Other player acting strange.

This I had to see.

I warp over and right away notice this guy absolutely losing it. It looked like he was having an epileptic seizure or something.

His head was snapping around so fast, I thought his neck was going to break or something.

[GM]Dave>> Hello there, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Are you okay?

Silence. Absolute silence.


[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you are having a seizure.
[GM]Dave>> I am going to evac you to a safer area.

So I warp him to Fafnir's spawn point.

[GM]Dave>> Don't worry. There's noone here.


[GM]Dave>> 'Cept him.

A couple of key presses later and Fafnir has changed his name. To Ga'Bhu Unvanquished.

Do you see where this is going?

[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> But provoking Fafnir is counter productive.

Botter uses Provoke.
Fafnir hits Botter for 3,582 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Fafnir.

[GM]Dave>> I warned you.
[GM]Dave>> Here. Let me raise you.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Botter.
Botter uses Provoke.
Fafnir hits Botter for 4,184 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Fafnir.

[GM]Dave>> Don't worry, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> We're going to do this until we get it right.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Botter.
Botter uses Provoke.
Fafnir hits Botter for 3,881 points of damage.
Botter was defeated by Fafnir.

[GM]Dave>> I can only do this four or five hundred more times.

Moral of the story: Botters get eaten by dragons.

So, later (approximately four hours later), the botter comes back from being AFK.

That was some bathroom break.

And he starts freaking out.

Botter>> OMG! Why am I level 30 again?
[GM]Dave>> It was weird.
[GM]Dave>> You kept on provoking Fafnir.
[GM]Dave>> All 183 times I raised you.
Botter>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> Well, the legal reason is "Botters get eaten by Dragons."
Botter>> I wasn't botting.
[GM]Dave>> So you sat there and kept provoking Fafnir.
[GM]Dave>> For four hours.
[GM]Dave>> Solo.
Botter>> This isn't my computer...

Why are people so stupid?

Not regular people, mind you. Sadly, I usually only deal with the bottom of the remedial class, but damn.

If you bot, you are just asking to get fed to a dragon. You're asking for it.

Give a hoot. Don't bot.


At 11:57 AM, Blogger Jeremy Knox said...

LMFAO This is hilarious.

At 2:21 PM, Blogger Wen said...

I find this interesting.
Maybe just luck but I noticed that the only botter you, Dave, catch are those that someone else pointed for you. Maybe you can't talk about the way you catch botters and hackers by using secret techniques for GMs like (go guess) reading game logs...pursuing ppl with 5486786575454656354 million gil in their accounts...or so...

The lesson could be: hack, use bots, do whatever...just don't let a bored and frustrated player call a GM. This includes NM camping that kills the spirit of fair players who keep watching a screen for 12 hours to see a guy enter 3 minutes before the pop and auto-claim it...but I can't understand what can drive an user to call a GM when someone is not answering him while fishing.

Well, who cares...

At 3:52 PM, Blogger WindexHamster said...

I hope someone tracks down the RMT in Castle Oztroja on Lakshmi in real life and shatters their arms from shoulder to fingertips with a sledgehammer.

They deserve it.

At 2:29 AM, Blogger Kirsteena said...

Hey GM Dave, next time Faf pops on Bahamut could you come check and take the botting ls to visit Vrtra - or Absolute Virtue. Either will do!

At 3:41 PM, Blogger Ravin said...

Just found your site man...love your work.
Best stuff I have read in a long time. -Retired FFXI gamer-

At 4:51 PM, Blogger Golddess said...

That raises an interesting point, being warped to AV. What would happen if you warped someone to an expansion zone who doesn't have a copy of that expansion?

At 2:36 PM, Blogger GM*Dave*my*Hero! said...

Dave please bring more of this most funny stuff!! You are so my hero! Thanks hope to see more!!

At 10:38 AM, Blogger Dalight (Asura) said...

Dude you are wicked!!! If you are a GM (whcih i think you are) do me a favour and appear in Asura some time and send me a tell.

At 8:57 PM, Blogger anonymous said...

What about people using 3rd party programs such as "The windower lite"?
I hate bots... but I hate level 5 WAR's camping fafnir. ;)

At 10:18 AM, Blogger ibrake4crocs said...

GM dave, please stfu, no one cares that you think your funny because you bust botters. Jesus, 40 old virgin much? go get laid, you obviously have too much time on your hands...lol...owned.

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Yotevol said...

[GM] Dave, as far as I'm concerned, you bring justice to the stupidy in FFXI. You also do things like this, which almost made me laugh myself out of my desk at work. Honestly, everyone around me couldn't understand why I was laughing so hard... lol.
Great job!


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