A Sad PatternAlternate Title: "Don't call me. I won't call you."
I'm really starting to question the intelligence of some of my readers. Honestly, your behavior does not reflect well on your IQ.
Do you honestly think that I would use my real GM name in a public blog?
How stupid would you have to be to think that? I'd lose my job faster than Mee Deggi gets claimed.
And do you honestly think that I would walk around the office going "Oh, yeah, I'm [GM]Dave"?
Why don't I just scream "HEY! Someone fire me!"?
The only people who know my true identity are the GMs that I trust not to give me up. I'm not stupid. I'm not going to trust random GMs with my real name.
SO STOP MAKING GM CALLS ABOUT ME.
You guys sending in stupid GM calls asking about me, if I'm real, please come murder you, and such is just plain pointless.
Here's what happens when these calls come in:
a) a GM who doesn't know who I am receives the call and tells you I don't exist. He/she logs the call and I later pull the logs and mess up your account for being stupid.
b) a GM who does know who I am receives the call and tells you I don't exist. He/she logs the call and I later pull the logs and mess up your account for being stupid.
c) I receive the call and tell you I don't exist. I then either mess up your account, ban you, or feed you to the nearest dragon.
So no matter what happens when you place one of these moronic calls, you have just wasted your time and sacrificed your character. And either way, we still tell you that I don't exist.
And the best part is most of you end up with a warning on your account, possibly a suspension, and maybe even a permanent ban for making unnecessary GM calls.
ToS for the win, bitches.
Just this morning, I was lucky enough to respond to a GM call about me.
GM Call Description: I want to meet [GM]Dave.
Now, we've been getting calls like this a lot. I mean a lot. Half the GMs are laughing at you and the other half are starting to get annoyed.
Either way, it's really a bad idea to get on a GM's bad side.
Because these calls take me away from my work (read: drinking), I decided that this player will be made an example for the masses.
Also, I was bored.
To make things even more fun, I decided to come up with a fake GM name. That way, the idiot doesn't even get the joy of having met me.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Greetings, Adventurer.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> What can I help you with today?
Player>> do you know [GM]Dave?
Player>> [GM]Dave! He writes a blog.
Player>> He's awesome. He feeds people to dragons.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> That does not sound at all crazy.
Player>> Do you know him? Is he real?
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> No, there is no "[GM]Dave".
Player>> I knew it! He's fake!
Now, here is where I decide to have some fun. I wondered just how far this person could dig themselves into a hole.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> So, is his blog any good?
Player>> Yeah, but you can totally tell he's not a GM.
Player>> Well, his stories are funny...
Player>> But no player would be that stupid.
Also, we have a call of irony on the play.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Sounds interesting.
Player>> Kind of.
Player>> But he uses that dragon bit way too much.
Strike 3 through 87.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Want to hear a secret?
[GM]Dave>> I don't take criticism well.
Player>> You're REAL?!
Player>> oh god...
[GM]Dave>> That's right.
Player>> You need to totally feed me to a dragon.
Player>> This is so awesome.
Player>> Why isn't Jormungand attacking me?
[GM]Dave>> I've got a better idea.
[GM]Dave>> How about I delete your character and ban you?
Player>> No, thank you.
[GM]Dave>> But I insist.
[GM]Dave>> We have strict rules against making pointless GM calls.
Player>> But I just wanted to meet you.
[GM]Dave>> Hope it was worth it.
Player>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you will be.
Now, you guys need to ask yourselves what your character is worth to you. I won't just delete one character. I'll delete your whole family.
I'm not the kind of person who "does good things". I'm more of a "does evil things" kind of guy. So, if you make one of these pointless calls, you're really telling me you don't feel like playing my game anymore.
Usually, I won't ban the caller. In the interest of cruelty, I simply tell them that "[GM]Dave" doesn't exist and then I adjust their character a little.
I open up their character information and add in a sweet new job ability: THzero. Instead of increasing drop rates, THzero reduces your drop rates on all high end items to 0.001 %.
I really hope the chance of meeting me is worth the hours you will spend camping NMs or HNMs only to get crappy drops. I also hope your LS doesn't find out you made such a stupid call and, in turn, cost them some very valuable items.
For your own sake and safety, I would suggest you stop making these calls. Either way, you lose and I win.