A Sad Pattern
Alternate Title: "Don't call me. I won't call you."I'm really starting to question the intelligence of some of my readers. Honestly, your behavior does not reflect well on your IQ.
Do you honestly think that I would use my real GM name in a public blog?
How stupid would you have to be to think that? I'd lose my job faster than Mee Deggi gets claimed.
And do you honestly think that I would walk around the office going "Oh, yeah, I'm [GM]Dave"?
Why don't I just scream "HEY! Someone fire me!"?
The only people who know my true identity are the GMs that I trust not to give me up. I'm not stupid. I'm not going to trust random GMs with my real name.
SO STOP MAKING GM CALLS ABOUT ME.
You guys sending in stupid GM calls asking about me, if I'm real, please come murder you, and such is just plain pointless.
Here's what happens when these calls come in:
a) a GM who doesn't know who I am receives the call and tells you I don't exist. He/she logs the call and I later pull the logs and mess up your account for being stupid.
b) a GM who does know who I am receives the call and tells you I don't exist. He/she logs the call and I later pull the logs and mess up your account for being stupid.
c) I receive the call and tell you I don't exist. I then either mess up your account, ban you, or feed you to the nearest dragon.
So no matter what happens when you place one of these moronic calls, you have just wasted your time and sacrificed your character. And either way, we still tell you that I don't exist.
It's perfect.
And the best part is most of you end up with a warning on your account, possibly a suspension, and maybe even a permanent ban for making unnecessary GM calls.
ToS for the win, bitches.
Just this morning, I was lucky enough to respond to a GM call about me.
GM Call Description: I want to meet [GM]Dave.
Now, we've been getting calls like this a lot. I mean a lot. Half the GMs are laughing at you and the other half are starting to get annoyed.
Either way, it's really a bad idea to get on a GM's bad side.
Because these calls take me away from my work (read: drinking), I decided that this player will be made an example for the masses.
Also, I was bored.
To make things even more fun, I decided to come up with a fake GM name. That way, the idiot doesn't even get the joy of having met me.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Greetings, Adventurer.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> What can I help you with today?
Player>> do you know [GM]Dave?
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Who?
Player>> [GM]Dave! He writes a blog.
Player>> He's awesome. He feeds people to dragons.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Riiiiiiiight.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> That does not sound at all crazy.
Player>> Do you know him? Is he real?
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> No, there is no "[GM]Dave".
Player>> I knew it! He's fake!
Now, here is where I decide to have some fun. I wondered just how far this person could dig themselves into a hole.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> So, is his blog any good?
Player>> Yeah, but you can totally tell he's not a GM.
Strike one.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Really?
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> How?
Player>> Well, his stories are funny...
Player>> But no player would be that stupid.
Strike two.
Also, we have a call of irony on the play.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Hmm...
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Sounds interesting.
Player>> Kind of.
Player>> But he uses that dragon bit way too much.
Strike 3 through 87.
[GM]Yoshiyuki>> Want to hear a secret?
Player>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> I don't take criticism well.
Player>> You're REAL?!
Player>> oh god...
[GM]Dave>> That's right.
Player>> You need to totally feed me to a dragon.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
*warp*
Player>> This is so awesome.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Why isn't Jormungand attacking me?
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> I've got a better idea.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> How about I delete your character and ban you?
Player>> Uh...
Player>> No, thank you.
[GM]Dave>> But I insist.
[GM]Dave>> We have strict rules against making pointless GM calls.
Player>> But I just wanted to meet you.
[GM]Dave>> Hope it was worth it.
Player>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, you will be.
Now, you guys need to ask yourselves what your character is worth to you. I won't just delete one character. I'll delete your whole family.
I'm not the kind of person who "does good things". I'm more of a "does evil things" kind of guy. So, if you make one of these pointless calls, you're really telling me you don't feel like playing my game anymore.
Usually, I won't ban the caller. In the interest of cruelty, I simply tell them that "[GM]Dave" doesn't exist and then I adjust their character a little.
I open up their character information and add in a sweet new job ability: THzero. Instead of increasing drop rates, THzero reduces your drop rates on all high end items to 0.001 %.
I really hope the chance of meeting me is worth the hours you will spend camping NMs or HNMs only to get crappy drops. I also hope your LS doesn't find out you made such a stupid call and, in turn, cost them some very valuable items.
For your own sake and safety, I would suggest you stop making these calls. Either way, you lose and I win.
posted by Goblin Smithy @ 6:58 AM
25 Comments:
Well, so much for [GM]Dave being a benevolent deity...
But in the long run, I'd much rather be puppy chow for a dragon than have my account razed.
I have never been benevolent.
I prefer beneviolent. I spread only violence that is beneficial to me.
I was wondering why you thanked me of polearm.
I just don't understand the logic behind such stupid calls.
"Hey! I'm going to call the guy who bans people for no reason!
That plan can't fail!"
At least calls like that are a minor ego-boost, as opposed to "ong my npc changed races!11shiftoneenter."
Go you.
Yeah, but I also don't like making extra work for my fellow GMs.
They have enough trouble to deal with without morons calling asking for a "[GM]Dave hug".
"[GM]Dave hug..."
Your armor-shimmer stuff rubs off, I bet. It's gotta work like a moth's wing.
The last thing I want is an incandescent stain on my AFbody.
can i say it this time???
APxKP u fail at life
New game! Every time an idiot posts a comment in this blog, down a shot.
Or half a shot. It might add up after a while.
Ok first of all, there was a screenshot?? where?
Secondly...why must people show their ignorance on here. If you enjoy the blog, post and praise [GM] Dave's godlyness. If you don't like it...dont come here just to show your ass and be a buzzkill for the rest of us.
And by the way, Apxkp, did you ask your mommy if you could come here first? There is some explicit language at times...although those words might be too big for you to comprehend...
Apxkp,
I'd like to buy a vowel, please.
It's okay, Apxkp, dude. Can I call you Apple? That other thing is like, totally unmanagable.
Look, Apple, I'm pretty sure despite your mating dance that Dave doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Don't take it too hard, little dude. You can totally sit in my lap if you want to.
Me and my ladies will help you during this discovery period. The Snuggleteddy's lap is nice, safe, comforting, and accepting.
You're not alone.
It's okay to be who you are. You don't need to fight it and lash out at others, projecting your own self-loathing on them. Love yourself, Apple.
You'll find an awesome boyfriend someday, I just know it.
"Please Feed Me To A Dragon!"
Should have put him in a perpetual dragon eating scenario, he logs on dragon eats him, raise, eaten raise eaten..If thats possible
Give a little man a little power and what do you get?
One smug little jerk. Good luck with your life.
That is not me. That is just another lame poser who wishes they could be me.
[GM]Dave your blog is awesome. Screw the haters! You have a wonderful way of writing and keeping people entertained. I enjoy your satire; please never stop blogging. I did the same thing weary samurai did, just so I could post comments.
Have a great day. Don't do too many shots because of the comments.....;-)
Oh NOEZ!!!
Dey is using teh snail mail against meh!!! Or teh FoneZ!
Do you honestly think there is any avenue of this system that works for your advantage?
Your problem is not reporting me. It's proving I even exist. I have access to every log of every event that I took part in.
Oh... wait...
Seems I just deleted all of those files.
Well, gosh, darn it.
Or did you really think a company would fire someone with absolutely no proof?
You fail.
Why would anyone think they could get [GM]Dave fired?
Do you honestly think Square, the people who made this game, disapprove of his behavior?
Look at the game they gave you. Sold you, even. Multiple times through expansions. And then charged you a monthly fee to rent your characters.
Those people didn't do all that for love.
Square wants you, the players, to be punished.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
You sir are a tossrag who deserves no less than a smack in the mouth. Possibly, just possibly, you deserve to meet a bunch of scumbags in a dark alley at night. People with the power to do in real life what you have the power to do in game. And obviously, being the geeky friendless shite that you are, you'll get your face kicked in, and rightly so.
Apparently, Elmiwhatsit, you have never had to deal with dipshits asking you stupid questions. They waste your time, and for what? To ask if someone exists? Fuck that.
[GM]Dave, you have way more tolerance than one could imagine. I don't know how you do it, besides the fact that you can basically shove one's head up there own ass.
Yea, that's probably the reason.
Keep kicking ass,
~The Timme.
Just have to say that this is some of the funniest stuff I have read about MMO's. I had to do a blurb on my EQ2/ESIV blog about it and added you to my links at wearypaladin.blogspot.com
Just a quick comment, GM Dave, just keep posting this stuff, I think you polarize people and certainly make me lol. Feed them ALL the the Dragons lol!!
I like how they tell you that you use the dragon too much and then ask and expect you to feed them to it...
Oh, Tarusummoner. You really disappoint me.
How exactly does one screenshot logs in FFXI?
You'd have to use Fraps, now wouldn't you?
Last time I checked, Fraps was not made by SE and, as such, can be deemed third party. This is a violation of your ToS.
Send in your little screenshots. I argue that they're photoshopped and I keep my job. And you just gave me airtight proof that you broke the rules.
Say baibai to your little character.
Honestly, from your first post, I was expecting better. This is just childish and pedantic.
You fail.
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