Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Someone Shoot Me

This has been a very bad week.

Last Wednesday, the phones in our house died. I had no idea why. If I picked up the receiver, there was dead air.

But I still had DSL.

No, I don't know how that is exactly possible.

Since I did not know, I decided to call the people who should know: the phone company.

They couldn't show up until Friday.

Who needs phones?

The guy shows up between the convenient hours of 8 am and 6 pm. Apparently, I must have had nothing better to do that day.

The ENTIRE day.

He finally shows up and uses his years of training and experience to figure out

PhoneGuy>> I have no idea what's going on.

At this point, I was standing in my house with a stranger who cannot fix the exact problem he is there to fix.

We managed to ascertain that an extremely long awkward silence would not fix the problem.

I left him to fixing our phones and went to my computer. At the very least, I could spend the rest of the day crafting in FFXI.

And then my video card exploded.

Okay... Exploded might be a little bit strong of a word.

There are parts of my video card on the outside that should be on the inside.

This is bad.

I considered asking the guy who doesn't know how to fix phones if he also doesn't know how to fix computers.


So, I'm down a phone and a video card.

I end up having to swap in an old card just to use the computer.

A 64MB card.

I feel so unclean.

Funny story, did you know they charge money for new video cards?

That should be against the law.

So, I'm already having a bad week.

Could only get better, right?

Then a water pipe burst.

Communication breakdown... Fire... Flood...

I think I'm a few locusts away from armageddon.

I called a plumber on my cell. He said he would be there as soon as possible.

I immediately commenced holding my breath.

He suggested I wrap the pipe with some tape until he could get there.

I'm getting the duct tape ready and go to cut it with a box cutter.

You probably already know where this is going.

Three minutes later, the pipe is still leaking and now so am I.

Apparently, scissors beat paper, paper beats rock, and box cutter beats finger.

So now, I'm bleeding.


Susan was at work, so I had to drive myself to the hospital while bleeding.

This is actually harder than it sounds.

I somehow managed to make it to the hospital and rush directly to emergency.

As blood was actually emerging from my body, this seemed like a proper course of action.

You'd think a great deal of blood leaking from an open wound would be considered an emergency.

You'd be wrong.

Apparently, if you have not been shot in the face, you have to wait.

Don't worry, nurse. I'm sure this paper towel will do the trick.

Where's a White Mage when you need one?

Eventually, the nurse calls my name and I get to go into a little room and wait some more.

Then she came back and asked me what I cut myself with.

For future reference, don't say box cutter when asked that question.

"Box cutter" apparently translates into "give me extra needles".

Instead, tell them that you cut yourself with a sterile kitten or something.

The doctor who is, I assume, in the moments between shot gun wounds, looks at my finger and tells me that I am bleeding.

That's not a joke.

He said that.

I suggested that perhaps we should do something about that.

His suggestion was needles and stitches.

My suggestion was that he get the hell away from me.

I finally consent to the anesthetic and he stabs my finger with a sharp object.

I find this terribly ironic because I was there due to stabbing my finger with a sharp object.

Presumably, the burn ward is stocked with blow torches and lighter fluid.

So, the doctor is applying anesthetic.

I was not aware that anesthetic was applied by raking a needle over bone.

This is a very pleasant experience.

This is when the nurse starts telling me about how much worse it hurt when she had children.

Great story.

I told her to take her uterus and get the hell out.

Why do people feel the need to do that?

I'm in obvious pain. I don't want to hear about the time you were in worse pain.

When you do that I wish you were IN worse pain.

Eventually, the doctor finishes stitching me up and leaves me to the nurse.

Nurse Cervix hands me extra bandages and shows me how to change my dressing.

Am I certified for this?

Did I get a Med School degree I don't remember?

I need to drink less.

They send me out with a sewn up finger and bandages I should have probably actually paid attention to when they were explaining how to use them.

Eh, it'll be on Wikipedia.

Man, this has been a great week.

At this rate, I'll have the Bubonic Plague by Saturday.

Dammit. I had Limbus.


At 8:18 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

lmao xD That's horrible. Poor Dave. Hopefully that wasn't your Jormy-Death button pushing finger. ^^;

At 8:29 PM, Blogger Meilin said...

Please dont send Jormy after me but I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes...

At 8:56 PM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

Oh well...shit happens.

Least you still have enough sense to laugh it off, Dave...

At 9:06 PM, Blogger R_Mc said...

Glad to see I am not the only one having a horrible week.

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Midnight Voyager said...

Do we have the same phone provider or something? We had the exact same thing happen here. No dial tone, DSL still going strong. It apparently IS possible.

At 9:55 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Phone companies are run by people who get their kicks by randomly flipping off switches on equipment.

At 10:16 PM, Blogger Nik said...

Yes, chris, except replace
'flipping off'
'urinating on'.

At 10:33 PM, Blogger Church said...

Well that OR there could be a bad post on the red & green terminals of the phone box on the outside of your house. The wires on that side could broken as well. DSL uses the other side of the wiring for data.

Anytime you cut yourself with anything metal it's an automatic Tetanus shot, unless you've had one on the past seven years.

Your week sucked, hardcore, but hey, it could have been worse.

At 12:38 AM, Blogger Bad Candy said...


Step on a piece of glass and they give you a tetanus booster, too. Doctors are really fond of tetanus boosters. On the bright side, you bought yourself at least 5 years before they will do it again. And it's better than lockjaw. At least, that's what I told myself for the whole week(!) that arm hurt.

At 12:40 AM, Blogger Matthew said...

that is funny about the flipping switches because i know a few gm's that spend their time running magnets over servers ^.^ hope your finger heals well, hope it doesnt take jormy out for a while and yeah i have had the whole no phone but dsl, i have also had no phone, no dsl, for two weeks while the phone company that just changed their name had to find a map and use not only both their hands, but everyone elses hands to find their own ass

At 3:15 AM, Blogger Kenny said...

I feel your pain on the old video card. Anytime I have to play on my laptop I'm using a 16MB card. While you might say, "But the minimum requirements say 32MB card," fuck off, it works.

At 3:32 AM, Blogger Vagu'Stae said...

Ouch, Dave. >< Hope your finger gets better. I've had a nasty week full of RL drama, GL drama, and a back-pain caused by my old mattress that won't go away. Is it everyone's bad week?

Sucks that I was eating while reading the part about the stitches and bleeding. x__x;

"Funny story, did you know they charge money for new video cards? That should be against the law."
I agree completely, because my old PC used for FFXI was a 32. ><; I wanna get my sister on FFXI. Lol. [/Rambling]

At 5:47 AM, Blogger JAFO said...

You do realize that duct tape tears pretty easily, right?
What the heck were you using a box cutter for?
That is the home repair version of being a n00b.
I do have to say that there have been quite a few "inventing new cus words" kind of injuries in my past, so the best advice I can give is, work smarter not harder.
Plumbing issues = turn off the water main, and then leisurely repair the damaged pipe. You may want to invest in some of that cold weld putty stuff, keep it in the kitchen junk drawer. It isn't a permanent fix, but it works better than tape, and if you're feeling paranoid, or just want to play with duct tape (love duct tape) you can always wrap the putty in tape after it dries.
Hope it works out for you.

At 6:41 AM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

Glad to hear I'm not the only one this week has shit on. Somehow, that makes me feel better.

Hope the finger feels better, and that you got good pain meds. I bet it's throbbing like a bitch right now.

At 6:59 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

This is a switch. Normally, I'm having shitty weeks while everyone else is having awesome weeks. Now Dave is having a shitty week, and my week is just normal. Where is my awesome week?

At 7:58 AM, Blogger Rob said...

You're one step away from having someone take you out back and shoot you to put you out of your misery. I hope you're able to shake off murphy's law.

At 12:32 PM, Blogger Brian said...

Very funny. You're a good writer.

At 1:52 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

[GM]Dave bleeds? But- but that would imply that he has a heart. THE CONTRADICTION IS BAFFLING

At 2:10 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Of course I have a heart. In my case, however, my heart is actually a singularity fueled by rage and hate.

Since this generates a fair amount of heat, I decided it would be best to go with a liquid cooling system. Hence, the blood.

At 2:51 PM, Blogger llwang said...

Tomorrow is going to be better.. Or perhaps next week...

At 3:49 PM, Blogger Aen said...

Funniest... post... ever.

I'm sorry about all that happened to you Dave. But I am utterly grateful to you for turning it into a tirade of laughs for us. I'm sure you wouldn't have done if you didn't want us to laugh at it.

Thanks, Dave, you really brightened what was turning into a depressing week.

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Kenny said...

I wonder if blood would be good for liquid cooling in a computer. Do you think blood banks would look at me funny if I tried to withdraw?

At 7:23 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

I wanna see pictures! Video card and finger.

I had a shard of glass go through my finger. I rushed to the emergency and it took forever. Every time I go in it takes for ever! Anyway, i was holding it in a paper towel and it looked like my finger got cut off so I played along and told the doctor that it did...

I guess that actually happens because he shrugged and asked how!

At 7:38 PM, Blogger Leut said...

So what are you going to do about the mold issue due to all the water damage?


Oh....and you haven't even gotten the bills yet either....


Just thought I'd point those things out in case you had forgotten or over looked them.


I'm a helper!

At 12:07 PM, Blogger Dezarn said...

last time i was in the emergency room i broke my foot from 2 fatass wrestlers fell on it. 6 hours in the waiting room and one of the nurses comes out and says "Oh right you need a room". so then they move me to this other room with a bed and 3 hours later the doctor comes in and says "Ok lets get some X-rays" and an hour or so after that he returns to say "Good News, your foots not broken. kbye"

i hate the ER.


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