Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 6

He Was Asking For It

Perhaps I don't make myself clear. Perhaps something about these stories leads people to believe that I'm actually a really nice guy.

Personally, I thought I had done a pretty good job of developing a reputation for being a complete and utter asshole.

Because I am.

I really, really am.

And yet, for some reason beyond my understanding, people continue to send GM calls to meet me.

Does this sound like a good idea? Do you think it somehow wise to actively seek out someone who torments people for a living?

Now, that might sound bad enough.

It should.

But some people send GM calls not to meet me, but to meet... You guessed it... Jormy.

If that wasn't bad enough, there are people, A LOT of them, that send GM calls asking for me and THEN tell me they want to meet Jormy.

Yes, you read that right. They actively sought me out and then actively told me they'd rather talk to a virtual dragon than me.

I understand that people like Jormy.

I like Jormy.

Big fan.

But something must have, at some point, suggested to them that this would be a bad idea.


Why why why would you want to become the focus of my attention?

I actually have a backlog of people that I need to ban. Seriously, I have a notepad filled with names of people to ban at some point in the future.

Any time I get bored, I just ban the first dozen.

Most of these people have done things so inconsequential that I couldn't even be bothered to ban them immediately.

Many of them I can't even remember, but I assume my vengeance is justified.

Anti-Life justifies my hate.

Bonus points if you got that reference.

Now, given the fact that I already have a list of people to ban for even the most trivial of transgressions, do you really think it is a good idea to get on my bad side?

I didn't think so.

Here's a little thing I've come to embrace as a life philosophy: Bears will F&%@ your shit up.

That might not sound profound, but it really is. See, since I am already aware that bears will indeed F&%@ your shit up...


I would not willingly enter a bear habitat simply because there is even the slightest chance I might meet a bear and he might subsequently murder me in the face.

If that isn't a good philosophy, I don't know what is.

Do you understand? Do you get the point I'm making?

Okay, now imagine you've gone into the bear habitat and then told the bear that you're actually there to meet his friend, the tiger.

Not only are you interacting with something that could murder you at any moment, but now you're actually insulting it.


Just... Wow.

Anyone who has read this blog MUST know how much I HATE getting GM calls.

I hate the descriptions.

I hate the people who make them.

I ABSOLUTELY hate that stupid ding sound.

Making a GM call to talk to me already makes you the focus of my anger. I instantly associate all of that hate with your name.

Not a good thing.

Then you turn around and say "Screw you, [GM]Dave. I'm here to meet Jormy."

Pictured: Om nom nom

You can imagine how well that goes over.

Answer: Not well.

I totally get the Jormy love. I totally get how much you guys really love him.

But asking to meet him is just asking for trouble.

Meeting Jormy does not go well for anyone. Jormy is the last thing most people see moments before I destroy everything they've worked on for years.

Months and months (and months and months and months...) of your life, your hard work, your blood, sweat, and tears, turned into smoldering digital ruins in a rush of purple fury.

If that sounds like a good idea, then you are a poor decision maker.

Let's just save us all some time. Head on down to the zoo and jump into the first cage you can.

I hear the bears are friendly.


At 8:51 PM, Blogger LuxNecronis said...

You're surprised people are retarded? That they would willingly face their own doom just to meet the purple dragon that will turn them into so much guano on the other end?

Did they not understand how difficult it is to pass armor?

At 9:19 PM, Blogger Dxoh said...


If they want to meet Jormy, they can do that easily enough. He is a bit out of the way, but it is a pretty good chance you'll get to meet him (Read: his digestive system) when you get there.

I've an idea for a game you may find interesting, however, and if it appeals to you, I would greatly enjoy hearing the results in a blog entry.

Step one: Gather contestants. (Read: retards that ask to see Jormy)

Step two: Warp all players at the entrance to Uleguerand Range.

Step three: Use your GM powers to prevent escape from said zone.

Step four: Set all players to PK mode, and tell them the first player to make it, alive, through all the aggro mad monsters and the other players, to Jormy's spawn point will get a reward. Could be anything. A ride on Jormy, a chance to have Jormy eat a player of their choice, whatever. (Disclaimer: There is no reward)

Step five: Sit back, enjoy the show.

Here is the catch. When the final player finally reaches the spawn point... well. I'm sure you can think of a much better way to "reward" said player than I can. I, personally, would deny the final retard his request to see Jormy, and just spawn a super powered bunny to devour him and delete his account. And, of course... a consolidation prize for all the losers. Nice, shiny, new bannings for all!

Just my humble offering to [Galactic Overlord] Dave.

Thank you for your time.

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Alex said...

For some reason, this has to be my favorite post ever... I don't know why, but something about it just makes it amazing. Kudos Dave!

At 11:55 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I've actually considered contacting you to end my days in "glory" for FFXI. I haven't played in months.

Ya know. Something stupid. "Go out in a bang" type thing. Well, bite and chew, in this case...

But you'd think that maybe, just maybe, such a request would have a better chance via email. Yeah...like a half a second thought before you hit the delete button and call me a loser for wasting your time by reading that email.

But a GM call. That's just stupid.

But pissing you off is kinda a funny idea, now that I think about it...

At 9:44 PM, Blogger Plight said...

Hey Dave, just wanted to let you know how much I'd like to meet Susan.


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