Thursday, June 18, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 1


I read a lot of comments about my writing.

A lot.

Most say it's funny. Some say it's not. Others try and show me how to order discount prescription drugs.

But out of all of those comments, the ones I find the most interesting are the ones that say my writing is formulaic.

Actually... Not all of my writing.

Just the Jormy stories.

Basically, they point out that all of my Jormy stories go the same way. I explain problem, present example of problem, witty comments are made, and... Feed them to a dragon.

Every single time. Problem, example, witty, dragon.

It's like mad libs for people with severe anger management issues.

Now, the reason I find these comments interesting (and not enraging) is that they act like being formulaic is a bad thing.

What the hell?

EVERYTHING is formulaic is you read/watch it enough.

Hey, that stupid Transformers movie is all about vehicles that turn into robots and all the fight scenes look like someone threw a cutlery drawer at the camera.


Hey, this is that episode of House where they try and cure the guy, fail, then House comes up with a brilliant solution with three minutes left to the show.


Hey, this is one of those Japanese turn-based RPGs with a complex, intelligent plot steeped in philosophy, but ultimately ruined by poor translation.


Oh, and the main character is an adolescent boy with both a weapon and a hairstyle that question the very laws of physics.

So formulaic.

But don't you just love that shit?

You love it because it is formulaic. You love it because you liked it the first time and you know you'll like it the next time.

The guys at KFC don't decide to switch it up every now and then and sell some freaking hamburgers.

You go there for chicken. You expect chicken.

It'd be pretty stupid to show up one day and get all upset that they're still selling chicken.

I write Jormy stories that way because that's what I do.

I deal with morons.

I feed morons to Jormy.

That is, quite literally, my job.

I don't come down to where you work and slap the damned stapler out of your hand and suggest you should use some f&%@in' paperclips.

By the way... Your job makes me sad.

Jormy is the embodiment of my limitless anger, my unholy rage. Jormy is the not-even-plausibly large sword I use to strike down those people who irritate me.

Plus, it has to be damned embarassing to get eaten by a big, purple dragon.

Sure, I could just ban people with a few key presses. A nice little window would pop up and I could fill in some stock message or error code.

Golly gee, wouldn't that be swell?

Maybe after that, I could hop in my solar-powered car and drive to get myself a half-caf mocha latte.

I better slow down. I don't want to get too excited.

I feed people to Jormy because that's what they F&%@ING deserve. They deserve to have their very last moments in our Vana'diel be horrible and terrible and so very, very purple.

Yes, the incendiary devices cross a line, but still.

I don't use Jormy because I can't think of anything else to do.

I use Jormy because I can't think of anything I'd rather do.

The only thing that keeps me even relatively sane is the ever so familiar feeling of my Jormy macro buttons underneath my fingers.

Don't you wish you had a button like that at your job?

Don't you?

If you did, wouldn't you use it all the freaking time?

If you said no to that question, you are a liar.

Sure, the Jormy stories may very well be formulaic.

But that formula equals awesomeness.

Plus, I just giggle my ass off every time he eats someone.


At 9:53 PM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

"If you said no to that question, you are a liar."

Amen to that.

I'm a volunteer in a hospital on a military base. Part of my job is processing whole platoons of recruits, who, being recruits, are basically supposed to sit down and shut up when they're not doing anything. When you have 80 of them crammed together on four long benches, they get to talking. That many people talking, even in low voices, is VERY distracting, and you have to do a lot of yelling to keep them quiet.

I would totally love a button on my desk marked "STFU" that made Jormy appear in the room, roar at them, and devour one at random if that didn't shut them up.

At 10:09 PM, Blogger Saifer said...

"Plus, it has to be damned embarassing to get eaten by a big, purple dragon" only if it is barney...

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...

If I had a Jormy button I believe the population within a 20 mile radius of my store would be barren.

and... yes, I do wish I had one!

At 12:06 AM, Blogger RSS adder said...

"I don't use Jormy because I can't think of anything else to do.

I use Jormy because I can't think of anything I'd rather do."

I am so committing larceny on this phrase.

Excellent parlance [GM]Dave.

At 12:09 AM, Blogger Ricardo said...

Well I only chose "no jormy plzz" since I was hoping other people would suggest Goblin Smithy instead.

Which is another formulaic I love.

Goblin's stabbing people, then stabbing pathfinder then pissing shaman then becoming charcoal. Love it!

At 1:08 AM, Blogger Steve said...

"Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely."

Argh, am I gonna get banned now?

At 7:07 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Giving Bufu the power of Jormy would be a very bad idea. I hate people. Probably moreso than Dave. The fact that I don't drink does not help at all.

At 9:59 AM, Blogger Master said...

People ask me why I drink so much and I simply tell them I work in customer service. I drink to ease the pain.

Then people told me they actually enjoyed thier customer service jobs. At first I thought maybe something was wrong with me.

Then I came to a realization. They were just retarded. Who could actual enjoy working with complete morons all day other than people who were already retarded.

I suppose I could if I could feed them to a dragon.

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Chewie said...

Can you put a screen shot of Jormy? I do not play FF or any other online game. I don't play well with others. I sure do enjoy reading about your exploits.

At 1:09 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I can do one better than a screenshot. Check out all his majesty!

At 1:57 PM, Blogger silver-vixi said...

Ahh... So Jormy is a grown up Spyro... I get it now =D

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Leut said...

The way you seem to be explaining yourself lately has become very formulatic.

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Aen said...

"Hey, that stupid Transformers movie is all about vehicles that turn into robots and all the fight scenes look like someone threw a cutlery drawer at the camera."

Priceless! An entire film franchise brilliantly described in a single stroke of imagery.

At 8:36 PM, Blogger Banesidhe said...

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

At 9:12 PM, Blogger Erubadhriel said...

i wish i could have a jormy to take with me to work. i work in a bottle shop, and i get people trying to steal all the f&%!ing time. and then they wonder why we follow them around. because you steal from us dipshit! you know it and i know it so stfu already. and the people buying for underage kids who get shitty with me for refusing to serve them. it's the law retards. i'm not putting my arse on the line and getting fined and fired for you so your kid can get smashed on shitty lollywater drinks. f^%k that. then again, i wouldn't want him to get sick from all the rampant stupidity, though if the morons he usually gets haven't killed him yet, he'll survive this lot.

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Randi Fay Payton said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 5:45 AM, Blogger Yensil blogs again! said...

I wish I had a button that made people use a f&%@in' paperclip for a change!


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