Sunday, June 21, 2009

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 4

The Day My Macro Died

A keyboard is a necessity. Seriously, I think a good keyboard should be on the list of basic human needs right next to food and shelter.

I love my keyboard.

It's even got this really nice set of programmable macro keys that let me run a number of commands all at the press of a single button.

Yeah, the same keyboard I would ban someone for using to fish bot.

Where do you think I got the idea?

The very first of these programmable macro keys is a lovely purple color. I actually pried the key off and painted it myself.

It's very pretty.

This key has been programmed to do all of the tedious work of summoning Jormy to eat whatever person I have deemed deserving of banning.

I know what you're thinking. Tedious?

It's not exactly easy to warp a giant dragon from one area to the next, you know. There are a lot of menus and commands that I had to figure out to get this to work.

Once I had it programmed to a single key, it made my life so much easier.

It made other people's lives much harder, but still... Who really cares about them?

That key became the one thing that helped me keep my sanity. Through those long, long, LONG days of dealing with the most annoying, frustrating, RETARDED citizens that Vana'diel had to offer, it was only that key that kept me going.

Then... Then one day...

One day the key broke.

It was a really busy day. My supervisor had just informed us that we were doing another massive banning sweep. Each of us was given a long list of accounts to check, review, and then ban if deemed necessary.

I, of course, skipped the whole checking and reviewing portion of the day's events.

What? I had things to do.

Mostly ruining peoples lives.

Eh, it's a hobby.

I was giving each banning my own usual flair. Each person got their own individual send off.

[GM]Dave>> Knock knock.
Player>> Uhh...
Player>> Who's there?
[GM]Dave>> Banned.
Player>> ... Banned who?

Jormungand hits Player for 16,788 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

I mean, it was the least I could do. I was sending them back to their silly, meaningless lives.

Then, after countless eatings and bannings, I was in the middle of a call.

[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> The answer was 7.
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I'm going to have to ban you.
Player>> WHAT?!
Player>> You didn't even ask a question.
Player>> You just popped up and said the answer was 7.
[GM]Dave>> I know, I know.
[GM]Dave>> I'm just as upset as you are.
Player>> I really doubt that.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> I think I've come to terms with it.
Player>> This is bullshit.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Obscene language.
[GM]Dave>> That's grounds for banning.
Player>> YOU'RE ALREADY BANNING ME!
[GM]Dave>> That's no excuse for a potty mouth.
Player>> Is there anyway to appeal this?
[GM]Dave>> Well... I could...
[GM]Dave>> No, you wouldn't go for that.
Player>> Go for what?
[GM]Dave>> I could transfer you to the complaints department.
[GM]Dave>> They're very sympathetic.
Player>> That sounds good.
Player>> Let's do that.
[GM]Dave>> Not a problem.

Perfect.

Now, I just hit my beautiful purple key and IT'S JORMY TIME!

...

IT'S JORMY TIME!

...

What the hell?!

Player>> Umm...
Player>> Are you transferring me or what?
[GM]Dave>> Just a second.

C'mon dammit.

Click.

Click.

Clickclickclick.

DAMMIT TO HELL!

Player>> Is everything okay?
[GM]Dave>> FINE!
[GM]Dave>> EVERYTHING IS FINE!
Player>> Oh... Kay then.

Okay, menus...

Menus...

Wait. Was is this menu or the other one?

Shit, it's been a long time since I did it this way.

Dammit, that's the bunnies.

Have to hurry while he's still on the hook.

Player>> I can just call customer service if that would help.

DAMMIT!

[GM]Dave>> No, wait.
[GM]Dave>> I think I've got it.

Your tell could not be received. The player has logged out and is calling customer service who will explain that his account has been banned in a calm and respectful manner.

Epic fail.

That was a really nice keyboard. Really nice.

It was made of really high quality plastic. Very sturdy.

It wasn't until the third time I slammed it into a wall that it shattered into pieces.

Funny story: apparently, if your boss gets hit in the eye with a flying keyboard key, it goes on your permanent file.

Damned stupid keys.

7 Comments:

At 11:11 PM, Blogger Dxoh said...

Ah, how I miss FFXI's macro system. /sigh

I've played a lot of MMORPGs, and I've yet to find one as capable as our beloved FFXI's.

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger King of Solomon said...

I hate broken keys so much. I mean, on my last keyboard, my C key didn't work. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to not have a C key?

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger ^Veronika Teixeira^ =) said...

ROFL!
Amazing as usual [GM]Dave!
But I have an even better for you. How would you feel is your space bar breaks? Cuz that happened to me... Just when I was in the middle of a battle with the Lady in Red in Prince Of Persia Warrior Within...
Yeah... It was also a nice keyboard... Until it smashed in the lower plant after falling 11 floors.

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Once you figure out what menu commands summon Jormy again, I advise you to write that shit down in a notepad file, my friend. Or maybe make it an in-game macro.

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger Church said...

He could do an in-game macro, but it probably takes more than six lines.

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Tansunn said...

Still feeling the effects of the Nyquil there, [GM]Dave? I understand what you're trying to say with "the same keyboard I would ban someone for using to fish bot" but on its own it sounds a bit odd.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger sRc said...

Logitech G15, Dave? or a different. I love my G15 myself

 

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