Monday, June 08, 2009

Even If I Did Know...

I love the internet.

No matter what happens, no matter how small a piece of news, within minutes there are countless references to it online.


Hell, the big guys hadn't even finished their presentation before news coursed through the intarweb about Final Fantasy XIV. It was on Twitter, Facebook, and only about three thousand gaming sites in a matter of seconds.

And every variation of was claimed seconds after that.

Actually... was claimed in September of 2007. Either that guy plans WAY ahead or he has invented a time machine.

Frankly, if he's using a time machine to go back and register random game-related websites, he should probably work on his priorities.

Still, one can't help but admire the industrious, almost stalker-like ability of our beloved internet to collect information about any new game. You really can't help, but be impressed.

Now, you may be wondering why I'm mentioning this.

Well... There's two reasons:

a) the myriad of people making GM calls to ask questions about FFXIV

b) if I make another post about Project Natal, some people from the comment section are going to cut me

I'm not kidding around. Dozens upon dozens of players have been making GM calls to ask questions, and even MAKE SUGGESTIONS, about Final Fantasy XIV.

What is wrong with these people?

It's not that we don't appreciate community feedback. Indeed, players are encouraged to provide us with their thoughts and ideas.

We don't actually listen to any of them, but we appreciate them.

Sometimes we read them out loud using funny voices.

While we do appreciate them, though, do you really believe the GM call system is the most appropriate way to submit your feedback?

Perhaps you could use the feedback forms on the Playonline website.

Maybe you could write a letter.

Hey... Maybe you should use the GM call system that's intended for EMERGENCIES ONLY!

This isn't some freaking Mom and Pop bullshit MMORPG that we're running in a basement here. This is some serious business and we've got real shit to do.

There are people stuck behind tables as we speak.

I know that because I put them there.

I can't be answering asinine questions about whether or not male Mithras or female Galkas will be playable characters.

Yes, people have asked if they can play as some kind of female Galka.

No, I do not know why.

Apparently, they must enjoy portraying large, hairy women.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But don't be interupting me at work to ask me about that shit. That's between you and those websites you pray no one ever finds out about.

You sick bastard.

Even if, EVEN IF, you were to catch me at a time when I was feeling "chatty" (ie. NEVER), how in the sweet hell am I supposed to answer your questions?

Do you think they discuss all of their plans with me?

It's not like Yoichi Wada drops by once a week to run through his ideas with us.

It's more like once every two weeks.

We have bagels. It's nice.

I don't know anything about Final Fantasy XIV that you probably don't already know. I certainly don't know anything you couldn't find at any of the bajillion FFXIV sites that popped up out of nowhere.

It's very flattering that you consider us such experts on everything Final Fantasy-related.

Very, very flattering.

Also, annoying as F&%@.

This morning, I was at my desk filling out some paperwork.

You're probably expecting me to make some reference to Jack Daniel's here, but I was actually filling out paperwork. My boss told me if I didn't get it done by lunch, I'd be drinking whisky on the unemployment line.

Since that would be much less funny, I decided to do me some paperwork.

I could always drink after lunch.

Anyway, I was trying to find a coversheet for my TPS report when I heard that fateful sound.


I swear that that sound will follow me to my grave. I will be on my deathbed, my liver swollen and dead, and that sound will be the sound the Grim Reaper makes when he finally comes for me.

Hopefully, he will not ask stupid questions or get stuck behind a table.

GM Call Description: Need help! Emergency!

I hate that word.

I SO freaking hate that word.

Did you know that the word "emergency" was once used only rarely and even then only to describe an incredibly serious situation?

I'm not surprised if you didn't know it because people today use the word "emergency" to describe a lack of potato chips.

I love me some potato chips, too, but that still doesn't qualify as an emergency.

Right away, I knew there's a problem. People who are in an actual emergency don't use the word "emergency".

I immediately knew that I would end up feeding this guy to Jormy.

You'd think I was psychic.

Or that that's how 98% of my GM calls end.

Still, I didn't have anything else to write about today, so I figured I'd at least get some good material out of the guy.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you are in mortal danger.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> That's a fancy way of saying you're going to die.
Player>> No, that's not what I was calling for.
[GM]Dave>> That wasn't a question, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Trust me when I tell you that you are going to die.
Player>> Is this... Is this like a roleplaying thing?
[GM]Dave>> ... Sure.
[GM]Dave>> Why not?
Player>> Aren't you going to ask me why I made the GM call?
[GM]Dave>> I wait with bated breath.
Player>> I was just wondering how we transfer our characters.
[GM]Dave>> That's it?
[GM]Dave>> That's the emergency?
Player>> Well, it's very important.
[GM]Dave>> Then say it's important.
[GM]Dave>> Don't say it's an emergency.
Player>> Oh...
Player>> Should I go make another GM call?

He really said this.

[GM]Dave>> You know what...
[GM]Dave>> Sure. Go make another GM call.

One minute later...


Oh, this was going to be good.

GM Call Description: Need help! Important!

Well, he could follow directions. I'll give him that.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're in mortal danger.
Player>> You must really like roleplaying.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah... Roleplaying.
[GM]Dave>> Can we get on with this?
Player>> Yeah, I had a question about character transfer.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, in order to transfer servers, you have to...
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> Not transferring servers.

That's when I realized what he was asking.

That's also when I reaffirmed my hatred of all humanity.

[GM]Dave>> Say it.
[GM]Dave>> Just... Just say it.
Player>> How do I transfer my character...
[GM]Dave>> Here we go.
Player>> ... To FFXIV.
[GM]Dave>> And there we are.
[GM]Dave>> So, just to clarify...
[GM]Dave>> You're asking how to transfer your character.
Player>> Yes.
[GM]Dave>> To a game that doesn't exist yet.
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> And why would you be wondering this?
Player>> I just want to be ready.
[GM]Dave>> Ready?
[GM]Dave>> READY?!
[GM]Dave>> The game doesn't come out for at least A YEAR!
[GM]Dave>> How ready do you need to be?!
Player>> I just want to know ahead of time.
Player>> Okay, okay.
Player>> Can you just tell me please?
[GM]Dave>> Fine. Whatever.
[GM]Dave>> Are you playing on PC or Xbox360?
Player>> PC.
[GM]Dave>> Perfect.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have a spare thumb drive available?
Player>> Hold on...
Player>> Okay, I've got one.
[GM]Dave>> Put it in and hit Ctrl K.
Player>> Okay...
Player>> Nothing happened.
[GM]Dave>> That's normal.
[GM]Dave>> We're making a back up of your character.
Player>> You can do that?
[GM]Dave>> If not, then I'm lying to you.
Player>> Oh, good.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Let's move on.
Player>> What's next?
[GM]Dave>> One last thing.
[GM]Dave>> We have to format your character.
Player>> That sounds really complicated.
Player>> Will it damage my character?
[GM]Dave>> ... Probably not.
Player>> Probably?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, we have to say that.
[GM]Dave>> It'll be fine.
Player>> Are you sure?
[GM]Dave>> Won't hurt me a bit.
Player>> Maybe this was a bad...
[GM]Dave>> Too late now.


Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> Wait...
Player>> What's going on?
Player>> Why am I in jail?
[GM]Dave>> All perfectly normal.
[GM]Dave>> Dragon?
[GM]Dave>> OH MY GOD!
[GM]Dave>> Your thumb drive must be CORRUPTED!
[GM]Dave>> It's too late!
Player>> WE ARE?!
[GM]Dave>> Well, not me.
[GM]Dave>> Pretty much just you.

Jormungand hits Player for 13,067 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Good news.
[GM]Dave>> I'm fine.

Your tell could not be received. The player must have logged out to weep quietly for 12 months when they'll find out they've been pre-emptively banned from FFXIV, as well.

Sucks to be him.

I realize we are all very excited about a new online Final Fantasy game.

I'm practically atwitter.

That does not, however, mean that we're going to have long, friendly chats about it. As you may have noticed, I'm not the long, friendly chat type of guy.

Should you choose to test this, you may find out that you have become the banned type of guy.

And the digested type of guy.

Do you really want to be that kind of guy? Really?

I didn't think so.


At 9:20 PM, Blogger Blake said...

I've been waiting (with bated breath) for another Jormy entry. Thanks, [GM] Dave. Oh, by the way, just imagine working a shift on FFXIV's GM team.


Ding, ding, ding, ding...


At 9:30 PM, Blogger Salt said...


It's like calling the cops to complain about President Obama's policys.

At 11:26 PM, Blogger Taylor-MadeAK said...

Yay Jormy!

At 1:10 AM, Blogger Kahsha said...

TPS reports

At 3:29 AM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

I wonder if they'll have the same GM department handle calls from both games.

Considering that FFXIV is looking to be somewhat more casual-friendly than FFXI, just imagine how many more calls that's going to be...

At 6:08 AM, Blogger Mathew said...

Yay for the Office Space reference, I love that movie :)
Also, as a HUME 75 PLD/WAR the whole
"Jormungand hits Player for 13,067 points of damage"
would leave me with about 4k HP left :D
But I dont want to be fed to a dragon, so I would play dead and hope the "nice GM" would leave me alone at that point.

Thanks for another good post Dave, also, (annoying player comment) what kind of job system will be in FFIX? :P

And to those that will notice I said IX that was deliberate.

At 6:11 AM, Blogger Mathew said...

Damn, that was supposed to be FFXIX, not FFIX as that would be FF9, which I've played to death, much like all the other offline FF games, but still find the most tedious and uninspired.
But that's just my opinion.

At 8:45 AM, Blogger Adam said...

Sorry Dave, I know this is going to make your head explode, but you HAVE to know:

I must admit this is original in thinking......for a goldspammer.

Porn Star Paid $500,000 To Tattoo Company URL & Logo To Her DD Breasts

The WoW Gold selling website, has paid Russian porn star Anna Morgan to tattoo their company's logo and website URL to her breasts. The company feels that her natural dd sized breasts will provide an ample space for the advertisement. Given the number of films porn stars tend to make in a year's time, the tattoo should be seen many thousands of times. Anna has agreed not to alter the tattoo for at least two years.

Santa Monica, CA June 3, 2009 --, which sells virtual currency for massive multiplayer online games, has contracted rising Russian Porn star, Anna Morgan, to tattoo their company logo and URL on her breasts. The company feels that the link between porn, the internet, and online gaming is as strong as the pairing of peanut butter and jelly, making this an excellent fit.

Anna Morgan inks deal with

A female porn star can easily appear in 50-100 films per year so this gives a lot of exposure for years to come Anna Morgan is a 19 year old from Zeya, Russia. She likes Tennis, computer games, and hockey. Endowed with natural dd sized breasts, she provides an ample canvas on which to tattoo the advertising logo and URL for She has just signed a multi year contract with Top Studios in San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles, California. "A female porn star can easily appear in 50-100 films per year so this gives a lot of exposure for years to come," according to Hunter Crowell the media relations office for the company.

Anna is set to receive the tattoo at Soul Tattoo Shop on June 15 of this year. She has agreed not to alter it in any way or have it removed for at least two years.

For additional information on the news that is the subject of this release, contact Hunter Crowell .

About: is a seller of virtual currency for massive multiplayer online games such as WoW Gold, Warhammer Online Gold, Age of Conan Gold, EverQuest Platinum, Lineage 2 Adena, Vanguard Saga of Heroes Gold, EverQuest II Platinum and Final Fantasy XI Gil. It has been in operation since 2003 and has operations in the U.S., Ireland, and Australia

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Jeff said...

@Adam: That is a hoax - a publicity stunt to make more money.

At 10:17 AM, Blogger Fayune said...

TPS reports...yeeeeaaaaahhhhh. ;)

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

My big question is: why would you want to transfer your character to the new game? Why would you think it would be possible.... since you know... IT'S NOT THE SAME F@#&ING GAME!



New world.

New jobs.

New characters (That's the big one)

New gear (Another big one)

New.... everything!

I know you want to use the kickass aromor of epic +1 that you spent the last 9 years of your life to get (yes, I said 9 on perpouse, they were trying to get it before FFXI came out).

Why would you think you could, the games are going to be complealty based on diffrent systems.

Honestly, you might have better luck trying to transfer your character to WOW, because we all know with questions like this, you belong there!

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Hey Dave? I was wondering if you could transfer my character and gear from Ultima Online to the new FFXIV game next week.

I'll be needing you to come in on Saturday to help us catch up on some work, too.

At 4:20 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

Female Galka? Dave, I'm sure you know as well as I do that there are no female galka. In order to create galka children, old galkas climb up some mountain and erupt in flames that the young one then walks out of.
Or flies away. Wait, is that a phoenix?

Anyway. I wouldn't want to transfer my character from eleven to fourteen. That would be no fun. What _could_ be cool is if there was some sort of heritage thing. Like if your FFXIV character was the son/daughter of your FFXI character, and you got some of their old adventuring gear. Like hand-me-downs.

But since FFXIV is a totally different game world with a hopefully totally different story, my hopes are crushed.

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Ben said...

Female galka would just be dissapointed anyway, as it's clear that galka have no wing dang doodle.

Um... just wondering if Jormy will be following GM Dave to the new game? Would hate to think the poor guy would starve to death without someone to feed him adventurers.

At 10:13 PM, Blogger Blueyez said...

Also, as a HUME 75 PLD/WAR the whole "Jormungand hits Player for 13,067 points of damage" would leave me with about 4k HP left

Um maybe I missed the joke here but I'm pretty sure that would kill me about... 11 times over. I guess I should have made hume.


Um... just wondering if Jormy will be following GM Dave to the new game? Would hate to think the poor guy would starve to death without someone to feed him adventurers.

Who's to say GM Dave is going anywhere?

At 9:48 AM, Blogger guario said...

mat pld is on steroids.

At 6:02 PM, Blogger Donovon said...

Funny, I'd believe this dude was a real GM if GM's actually DID anything in the game.

I'm surprised u can still warp people, with SE taking all ur powers.

At 5:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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