Pre-Natal ExamBy now, I'm sure you're all aware of Microsoft's announced "revolutionary" sensor technology.
Yes, yes. I, too, am very excited to hear about it.
I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it. I'm sure it's going to be the greatest thing ever, ever, EVAH with no drawbacks whatsoever.
If you're an Xbox fanboy, feel free to stop reading right now.
Okay, they're gone.
I've got a lot of shit to cover.
First off, I don't know who Microsoft thinks they're bullshitting. This isn't 1980, people. We're kind of all connected on this World Wide Web thingy.
We all know this is a total rip off of the Wii.
You can dress it up and call it an improvement all you like, but we are all entirely aware that this is a complete and utter attempt to steal Nintendo's thunder.
It's not even subtle. It's not like we can kind of, sort of draw parallels between the two ideas.
It's a freaking sensor bar that registers your movement and translates it into on-screen actions.
Yes, yes. It's got a camera, Radar, Sonar, a flux capacitor, and a coffee machine.
It's a sensor bar.
The only thing it doesn't have is a Wiimote.
That, no doubt, will be the big announcement at next year's E3.
Here at Microsoft, we constantly strive to create new and original technologies that push the envelope and bring our games to a new level.
Thus, we present the Xbox360 X-mote. This, in combination with our Natal sensor bar will revolutionize the gaming experience.
Ummm... Isn't that just a Wiimote painted black?
Security... Shoot that man in the face.
Don't shoot me, bro.
It's a Wii sensor bar. On the Xbox 360.
That should just be their slogan. I'd at least respect the honesty and them not treating us like we're all retarded.
Second... Didn't they say all this motion stuff was a stupid gimmick?
I know they had to lob a few grenades in the whole console war, but Microsoft basically called the whole motion control thing useless and said that it would never last. They laid down a solid argument against the technology and explained why their console was better.
Then, every single person in the world bought a Wii.
Some people bought two.
And not because the first one "broke".
Suddenly, Microsoft is on the motion control bandwagon. Woo hoo, everyone start flailing madly.
I don't mind a company trying to make more money. That's their entire purpose for being. Motherf&%@ers are just tryin' to get paid.
I respect that.
But at least come out and say you were wrong. Just say "You know what? You guys were right. This motion control stuff is really cool. Our bad."
Don't suddenly change midstream and pretend that shit didn't happen. You're just insulting both of us.
Third... People, please calm the F&%@ down.
It's motion control. We've seen this before.
I know this is supposed to be the next level of motion control. You'll be able to use entire body movements to control your character.
Have you considered what a bad idea this is going to be?
Who the hell has enough living room space to actually act out anything remotely resembling game actions without breaking something?
Like a lamp.
Or an arm.
And what about other people in the room? The thing is supposed to map out the entire room to detect your motion. Theoretically, you may have other people in the room.
How will that affect gameplay?
You're just about to skill someone in Mortal Kombat. You've torn him to shreds and you're about to deliver the killing blow.
Then Scorpion's mom walks in behind you and asks if you mowed the lawn.
I'm just saying there's shit to work out here. While we were all impressed with the demo videos, there is a lot of things that could go wrong.
Man... There's just too much to talk about with this thing.
What are we on now? Four?
Fourth... Oh, this is probably going to be bad.
I don't want to sound like a negative person (HAHAHA!), but this industry's history is littered with the corpses of terrible motion control technology.
The Eye Toy.
Who doesn't enjoy washing virtual windows with really crappy controls?
Oh yeah... Everybody.
Hey, remember the Power Glove?
That's right. You had.
All of these motion controls were supposed to be the future of gaming.
Hell, they made an entire movie just so they could put the Power Glove in it.
And it was still crap.
I'm not saying this thing is guaranteed to fail. No, no, this thing has a definite chance to succeed.
But I think cautious optimism would be the way to go right now.
Yes, I know the Xbox community has had to take a lot of shit from the Nintendo crowd. Nintendo has basically owned the gaming industry sales charts for the past few years.
They have every reason to be excited.
I just think it might be a good idea to hold off on calling it the "Wii killer" just yet.
Fifth... And this is possibly the most important thing I have ever said EVER...
Please THINK ABOUT HOW THE CONTROLS ARE GOING TO WORK.
The Xbox crowd doesn't have the best track record when it comes to using new technology responsibly.
The idea that they can use any part of their body to control their character... Frightens me.
Please no sword fighting games.
All in all, I think this could be a great new technology that might change the Xbox360 experience.
Change it into a Wii.
This will either be a major success or an epic, epic fail.
If it's a major success, our entire gaming community will be elevated to a new level.
If it's an epic fail?
Well, I'll have something to make fun of.
Isn't that the most important thing of all?