Bannable Offenses

Theme Week - Jormy Redux 3

There, but for the grace of Hironobu Sakaguchi

I love the Final Fantasy series.

You're shocked, I know.

I'm serious, though. I freakin' LOVE those games.

Part of loving something is wondering what it would be like if it was different. Would it still be as good? Would you still love it as much?

It's like when I imagine what it would be like if Susan was an eighteen year old cheerleader.

Shhhhh. Shhhhh.

Visualizing.

And I'm back.

Yes, I realize Susan is going to punch me in the trachea for that, but you get my point.

I imagine what it would be like if Final Fantasy had been a first person shooter.

Pretty much what it is, but with less menus and with more tea bagging.

Can you imagine if they actually made a Final Fantasy shooter game? Oh, man that shit would be so aweso...


Oh... Yeah...

Let's move on then.

The one that piques my interest the most though is if... I almost shudder to think it... But what if Final Fantasy had started out like a Pokemon game.

Hear me out here. I'm trying to make a serious point.

Sakaguchi was sitting down developing his life's greatest work. He was deep in the creative process, working out a game that would enthrall millions.

Then he sees a hamster in one of those little plastic ball things.

Boom. We're F&%@ed.

11-ish games later, we're running around Vana'diel with pokeballs and going off on long soliloquies about how friendship will help us become number one and enslaving various species of indigenous life.

Now, why am I bringing this up during Jormy theme week?

I was trying to explain this idea to Susan one night (minus the cheerleader part) when she said something that broke my mind.

Susan>> Could you imagine if Jormy was your pokemon?

...

Woah. That was a friggin' trip.

All I could picture in my head was me running around with hugely exaggerated eyes and giving completely unnecessary peace symbols whenever I said anything.

[GM]Dave>> JORMY! I CHOOSE YOU!

And Jormy, instead of being the epic, frightening monster that he is, was a tiny purple baby dragon.

Also with hugely exaggerated eyes.

It was... Disturbing.

That shit haunted me. I just couldn't get it out of my head.

Note: This also speaks to how very little I really have to worry about in my life. Seriously, it's like keeping Susan happy and weird alternate realities where I was a Pokemon Master. That's it.

Somebody does something stupid and I warp them to Veridian Gym.

I chose Veridian Gym because:

a) it was a very impressive gym

b) it's the only town I actually remember

Well... Pallet Town, but that was totally a bitch city. They didn't even have a gym.

All it was was a little town where some crazy professor sent children off to die alone in the forest with an elemental gerbil.

So, I warp them to Veridian Gym. Then we have a long, drawn out conversation about the nature of honor and then undermine everything we've just said by forcing trained animals to battle to the death instead of actually fighting ourselves.

And then the little baby Jormy uses his finishing move.

[GM]Dave>> JORMY!

Seriously, why all the yelling? Are pokemon hard of hearing?

Wait... Where was I?

[GM]Dave>> JORMY!
[GM]Dave>> DIGESTION ATTACK!

Lots of cartoon blood and generic tear drops next to our faces.

And cute little Jormy strikes a victory pose.

Still soaked in blood.

...

Seriously, I spend time thinking about shit like this.

I need to get a hobby.

Maybe a nice card game or something.

Honestly, I like Jormy the way he is. If I had to run around with Spyro, getting him to eat people, I'd probably drink a lot more than I already do.

Jormy is supposed to be a giant, soul (and spine) crushing dragon. He is supposed to instill fear in anyone who happens into his path.

Not make them want to "catch 'em all".

Don't get me wrong. In this little vision, he was cute as all hell.

But Jormy's not supposed to be cute. Jormy's supposed to look like death.

In dragon form.

Maybe things are better this way. Maybe everything worked out for the best.

Or maybe someone is going to read this and think that a Final Fantasy/ Pokemon game is a freaking brilliant idea.

...

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 1:03 PM