Saturday, June 06, 2009

BLARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

GODFREAKINGDAMMITTOHELL!

Seriously, people. We're not retarded.

We're really not.

If anyone, ANYONE, reading this works at Microsoft, I want you to call a staff meeting and tell everyone that we're not all a bunch of slack-jawed, mouth breathing f&%@tards.

I don't care if you work in the mail room. Get on it already.

Why does Microsoft have a mail department anyway? Have they not heard of e-mail?

You know what? Not my problem. Call the freaking staff meeting.

I am trying my best to give this whole project Natal thing a fair chance. I am trying my damnedest to not hate this thing from the outset and give it an actual chance at being good.

That's big for me. I hate everything from the outset.

I hate things that haven't even been invented yet.

But, because this thing COULD help the evolution of gaming as a whole, I'm trying to put my all consuming hatred to the side.

Then Microsoft comes out and tries to sell us a PILE OF ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT!

I mean WHAT THE F&%@?!

The tl;dr version is that Microsoft is claiming that the Wii was NOT the inspiration for their new sensor bar.

ARE THEY F&%@ING KIDDING ME?!

I realize they have to try and put a good face on this whole thing, but there's good PR and then there's just saying whatever retarded ass bullshit pops into your freaking skull.

Not inspired by the Wii?!

It's a sensor bar that lets the player control their character through movement.

THAT'S THE ENTIRE PREMISE BEHIND THE WII!!!

You can try and spin this however you like, but at least give us the freaking credit to not be completely brain dead.

You're not fooling anyone. It's not like you just say that and we all go "Oh, really, Mr. Microsoft? Well, I guess we were wrong about it."

It's not even subtle.

Not at all.

You might as well try and get us to believe that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter wasn't inspired by BUTTER!

My favorite part of the whole thing:

“What Natal is, is a way of breaking down those barriers, making Xbox 360 accessible to everyone, and introducing the world to controller-free gaming,” Schappert added.

Man, if that guy gets paid by the buzzword, he's freaking rich. Throw in a few "dynamic"s and you're goddamned golden.

In case you don't speak Spin Doctor, allow me to translate:

Quote: What Natal is, is a way of breaking down those barriers

Translation: there are things standing between us and money. We intend to destroy those things.

Quote: making Xbox 360 accessible to everyone

Translation: the Wii has been raping us for years. Please buy your grandma an Xbox360.

Quote: and introducing the world to controller-free gaming

Translation: Yeah... Remember that other console with the sensor bar and the Wiimote? Well, we couldn't figure out the Wiimote thing.

Honestly, I find the whole thing very, very insulting. I realize most gaming companies see us as little more than walking piles of money, but they don't have to be mean about it.

Just say "Yeah, we totally copied the Wii."

We're cool with that.

We are totally fine with that.

Just don't stand there and pretend that you didn't, and then act like it is crazy for us to even suggest it.

The Wii is making a shit-ton of money.

I'm not sure if that's metric, but you get my point.

It is only natural for you to try and copy that. They happened on to a new aspect of gaming that many people thought was silly, but turned out to be incredibly popular.

There's no shame in copying their idea to try and expand your market.

Okay... There's a little shame in it.

Actually, there's a lot of shame in it, but that's beside the point.

Just stop treating us like a bunch of brain dead children who can't form rational thought. Stop throwing us this freaking bullshit about how original you are and tell us the truth.

Tell us you're trying to make a game system that people would like more.

Tell us you took the best ideas around to make one better console.

Tell us something more than how original and creative and just how plain awesome you are.

It's obvious you don't respect us. That much is pretty apparent.

But maybe you should worry about how much we respect you.

Seriously.

Also, if you could work motion control into Final Fantasy XIII, that'd be super. Thanks.

What? If I'm making demands that no one's ever going to listen to, I might as well ask.

19 Comments:

At 9:34 PM, Blogger J said...

I would say that it's more of a copy of the eye toy seeing as how it's controller-less and based on the body movements of the person...

 
At 9:34 PM, Blogger Kahsha said...

If I wanted to stand in front of the television I would just play my Wii.

 
At 10:50 PM, Blogger Aen said...

I commented on said article with the following.

Microsoft, why do you insult our intelligence like this? Why must you lie and embellish in a vapid attempt to impress us?

Listen, it's ok, we get it. Competing in today's videogame market is hard. Sometimes you gotta hit a low and take a few points from the opposition. It's the whole point of innovation. And you know what? It´s ok.

Newton didn't try to make his readers believe that universal gravitation was apparent to him. We all know the apple story. If he got over it, so can you.

It's pretty obvious you believe we suffer from some sort of brain-damage, if you expect us to believe this crock.

Look, I'll be just as impressed if you actually make a product superior to the Wii's motion control.

What's not gonna impress me is you trying to sell me on the fact that it came to you in a frickin' dream.

Don't do that, Microsoft. Just... don't.

 
At 11:39 PM, Blogger Aaron said...

Just to play the devil's advocate:

Microsoft admitting they copied the Wiimote would be patent infringement (of sorts). They would get their asses sued off, or at least have to waste a bunch of money on legalities in a lawsuit (which admittedly Apple wouldn't win). And Apple would have more fodder for the Macboy cannon. Besides, this is a game of oneupmanship.

Here's hoping they start an arms race

 
At 1:21 AM, Blogger Codexx said...

I think they simply meant that they didn't look to copy the Wii when they made it.

If anything, it's more like the Playstation EyeToy which has been around in some form since the PS2.

But I'd agree if they said "We didn't make motion controls because of the Wii", because it's pretty obvious that it was created to compete with the Wii. It just didn't use it as inspiration.

Given that it operates much much much differently than the Wii does, it's pretty obvious they didn't just rip it off.

 
At 3:28 AM, Blogger gareth said...

cmon dave 2 identical posts!!!!

Start feeding subs to jormy again and freakin relax dude!!!

BTW did you know sony`s effort relies on an eye toy kind of thing .. in essence a ROUND SENSOR BAR.. well your ranting against MS are tiring me now

Next you`ll be saying that MS surface is a rip off of any previous 80`s tabletop arcade...

or maybe that [GM]Dave has lost his way and started ripping off the other sony/ninty fanboys!!

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger TCG said...

lol, watch this about natal: http://www.break.com/index/milo-and-project-natal-are-the-future-of-gaming.html

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger Pimp Midget said...

Two posts complaining about the same thing.

Lame

We get it, they are saying they didn't get the idea from the wii. Its a sensor thing that picks up your whole body movements just like the wii picks up a signal from a wiimote when you shake it and stuff.

Did the wii ever come out and say they took the idea for their whole console from the eye toy? Don't think I ever remember hearing about that but would make this whole thing mute if they didn't.

Are you taking estrogen or something as your are sure whining like a little girl about this.

Move on already.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Sword said...

Oh, I bet they're telling the truth. Instead they just ripped off the motion sensor thing that the Sega Genisis had made for that lame Eternal Champions game. :P

Besides that, motion sensoring is not anything new to videogames. Companies have been trying to develop new ways to play games since the 70's, when arcade's were big. For example many concepts for 3D games were created back in the 80's on arcade systems, though some would argue that Sony, Sega, or Nintendo were the first.

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

I love how Peter freaking Molyneux is their choice for someone to show this crud off.

Because he's totally lived up to every lofty promise he's ever made about his games.

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger Nyu said...

Am I the only one that read the comments and noticed that Aaron believes the Wiimote/the Wii was created and is owned by...Apple? Or did I miss something? O.o

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I noticed.

And I still didn't give a shit.

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Pssst....Gamer Gods...Sega Activator.

http://www.destructoid.com/sega-activator-the-crappiest-game-peripheral-26148.phtml

Note: NOT the Wii. Not saying that they aren't grasping at the Power Glove, just pointing out the similarity is that of the natal.

 
At 1:21 AM, Blogger Michael said...

deja-vu.

 
At 2:49 AM, Blogger jason said...

Dave ...... Breath in ...... Breath out...... rub the ears ... breath in breath out .....

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Bonedead said...

I coulda swore that Microsoft bought the technology from another small company based in Israel called 3DV. So technically, the Wii wasn't Microsoft's inspiration, but possibly 3DV's inspiration.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Delgado said...

Bill Gates is all powerful, and he/his meat puppets can do no wrong.
All hail Bill Gates, overlord of the world.

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

"Controller free gaming" is a horrible idea. Maybe it's ok for a 15 minute party game but not general purpose gaming.

Flailing around in front of the screen until you collapse out of breath is not something the average gamer is going to want to do and I'm surprised that MS can not see this.

 

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