Wednesday, April 09, 2008

My Darling Daughter

Sorry about yesterday. I was working on the fan pack and lost track of time.

You'd be surprised how easily you lose track of time when you're laughing at your own jokes.

And then reading those jokes to your wife.

And then explaining why they're funny.

I couldn't let a friends and family week go by without talking about my daughter. Before she was born, I didn't understand how much of a parent's life revolves around your kids.

I figured kids would be easy. Feed them once in a while. Water them. Turn them towards the sun occasionally.

Wait... That's plants.

Still, I thought they couldn't be that much work.

And then I had one.

Apparently, you have to take care of a baby every freaking minute.

Who knew?

But it's incredibly important.

Do you know what could happen if you just ignored a baby and put her in a closet?

Susan yells at you and makes you sleep on the couch.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You can stop e-mailing social services.

Getting used to a baby takes a long time, but it will happen.

I got used to the crying.

I got used to the constant need for attention.

Then when I was done taking care of Susan, I had a baby to deal with.

Bah dump psshhhh.

Screw it. I like the couch.

But there's one thing I've never gotten used to, one thing I will never get used to.

The poop.

Dear God, the poop.

There was a time in the long ago when poop was not part of my everyday conversation.

I knew it existed, but it existed on the very periphery of my conscious thought.

Now, it is a near constant topic for both concern and conversation.

We are constantly discussing the poop.

This is the shit (see what I did there?) that they don't tell you about in those stupid parenting books. Nobody warned me that I would spend a good portion of each day concerned with the state of my daughters waste disposal system.

That should be in the book.

That should be a whole damned chapter.

That should be a WHOLE DAMNED BOOK.

I honestly don't know what's worse: the fact that I'm even writing this or the fact that all the parents are nodding along with me.

The people without kids are probably just laughing because I said "poop".

Go ahead and laugh. You'll have kids someday, too.

Susan and I are on constant poop alert. It's like a freaking missile silo only grosser.

Did she poop? Who's going to check her? Who changed it last?

And lord forbid she doesn't poop. You actually get worried when it doesn't happen.

How did this happen?

I used to lead a fairly normal life. Go to work, drink heavily, feed people to dragons, come home, play video games.

Perfectly normal.



That's it.

Just the other night, Susan and I were in Dynamis. Our daughter was blissfully asleep in her crib. Everything was perfect.


Susan>> Do you smell something?
[GM]Dave>> No.
Susan>> Are you kidding?
Susan>> You don't smell that?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you're talking about.
Susan>> Then why are you holding your breath?
[GM]Dave>> *GASP*
[GM]Dave>> No reason.
Susan>> That's mature.
Susan>> Aren't you going to do something about it?
[GM]Dave>> What are you looking at me for?
[GM]Dave>> She did it.
[GM]Dave>> Blame her.
Susan>> It's your turn to change her.
[GM]Dave>> I don't think so.
[GM]Dave>> I changed her Friday night.
Susan>> Dave... It's Sunday.
[GM]Dave>> I don't follow.
Susan>> She poops every day.
[GM]Dave>> And whose fault is that?
[GM]Dave>> You're the one that insists on feeding her.
Susan>> Are you listening to yourself?
Susan>> You're suggesting we not feed our daughter.
[GM]Dave>> I'm just putting the idea out there.
[GM]Dave>> It'll build character.
Susan>> You. Baby. Change. Now.
[GM]Dave>> I want it noted on the record that I do this under protest.
Susan>> You do everything under protest.
Susan>> Do you have to be so difficult?
[GM]Dave>> Eventually, you'll realize it's not worth the trouble.
[GM]Dave>> Then you'll just do it yourself.
[GM]Dave>> That way, everyone wins.
Susan>> I don't win.
[GM]Dave>> Did I say everyone? I meant me.
[GM]Dave>> Me wins.
Susan>> I don't think you could act any stranger.
[GM]Dave>> I take that as a personal challenge.
[GM]Dave>> I can sink far lower.

Susan>> Dave, I need to stay and keep up with refresh.

Susan>> You can go change her quickly.

[GM]Dave>> I'm playing, too.

Susan>> You're playing Dragoon.

Susan>> Hit Jump and go change the baby.

Susan>> Then you can make a sandwich.

[GM]Dave>> That's funny.

Susan>> Thank you.

[GM]Dave>> Know what else is funny?

[GM]Dave>> Pushing people down stairs.

[GM]Dave>> Remind me to show you later.

Susan>> Go change the baby.

Susan>> I'll change the next one.

[GM]Dave>> That seems fair.

Susan>> ...

Susan>> What are you waiting for?

[GM]Dave>> When have you ever known me to be fair?

Eventually, we came to an agreement and I changed her.

The agreement basically worked out so I would change her now and, in turn, Susan wouldn't castrate me while I slept.

[GM]Dave is all about the compromises.

I swear I'm going to throw a ticker tape parade when this girl is finally potty trained.


At 2:46 PM, Blogger Slappy said...

Actual LS conversation:

"We have poo in the toilet"
"I pooed in the toilet today"

Ok so the one smart ass was me, but I couldn't help myself...

I found it humorous, unfortunately the humor was sucked out when she started apologizing about sorry but she had thought it was exciting and blah blah yeah ok you are proud of your kid I am proud of my joke we all win. It must have been funny I got as many laughs as she did congratulations.

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Laserx said...

"You know what else is funny?"
"Pushing people down stairs."
"Remind me to show you later"

ROFL! Perfect!

At 3:59 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Susan>> You're playing Dragoon.
Susan>> Hit Jump and go change the baby.
Susan>> Then you can make a sandwich.

The sad thing here is I do exactly that all the time and nobody even notices.

loldrg? >.>

About a third of the time I come back and find myself dead because Double Attack went off a couple times in a row and I wasn't there to hit Super Jump to ditch hate.

Oh yeah, I'm with you on the ticker tape parade thing. My daughter is being very stubborn about the whole potty training thing. >.<

At 7:58 PM, Blogger Locke said...

Hey Dave, the one good thing about being castrated... You won't have to worry about changing another babies diaper ever again once your daughter gets potty trained ^^.

At 4:57 AM, Blogger Elve said...

Lol!! Another 2 years of it and it will be over.
If you survive that is.. When Susan castrates you, you have to run quickly to the dok, don't worry about finding the lost 'thing'.

And be prepared that girls even get potty-trained for the poop later than boys :D They dont want to let go of something their own.. (?? or so 'they' explain this..)
Lucky me I have 2 boys, plus they were great in getting trained :P

Go talk to yr mom about on what realm she plays!

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Binger said...

As a father or a 2 year old, I must back you up.

Non-parents, this is all true.

Hi honey.
How was your day?
Did the kid poop?

And THAT sums up parenting.

At 7:15 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

I do not have kids of my own for now. I do, however, have a 2-year old nephew that I watch every so often. He's cuter than anything, and he's a happy little kid, but dear god, the kid produces more poop than I do, and I'm 10 times his size, eating 10 times his food intake. I guess you grow up to give less offerings to the porcelain god because if you started producing MORE as you got older, you'd never leave the john.

Anyways, good post as always, Dave.

At 8:33 AM, Blogger Gunner75 said...

i was incredibly lucky with my daughters, my wife is a farm girl and her mom drilled it into her consiousness that its the womans job to keep the house and kids alive since the man does all the work.

unfortunately that concept never worked once her mother left the house.

just wait youll have some blowout diapers those are awsome.


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