Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave's Friends and Family

I know, I know. The title sounds like a cell phone commercial.

A lot of people have been making comments and sending me e-mails about finishing the April Fool's riot story (minus the awesome Rickroll) in the upcoming fan pack.

Since you guys are cool with me, that's exactly what I'll do. One week from today, I'll be sending out a new fan pack and yes, that story will be included.

As usual, anyone who donates $5 or more will receive the fan pack and the person who donates the most will be given the opportunity to take part in the blog if they want.

I will even help you propose to your significant other in front of the entire (read: extremely small segment of the) internet.

As a bonus, if your significant other turns you down and makes you look like a total moron, it'll be a two-part episode.

[GM]Dave is happy to profit from your suffering.

Now, thinking about the fan pack got me to thinking. It's been a long time since I did a theme week.

So, for the rest of the week, I will be updating on a daily basis with stories about my friends and family, quite a few of whom I've never mentioned.

And thus, I introduce you to Jeff.

Jeff has been my best friend since we were kids.

I'd say he was my brother from another mother, but I'm neither cool nor weird enough to try and pull that off.

Jeff and I went to the same college and even took a lot of the same classes.

We also skipped a lot of those classes together to play video games.

Good times, good times.

Do you know something funny? If you skip enough classes, it makes it really freaking hard to pass exams.

You'd be surprised how few college exams involve questions about PS2 games.

Damned edumacation system.

Now, I am an expert crammer. Give me a night or two and I can be ready for pretty much any exam.

I don't remember a freaking word afterwards, but I get through.

Unfortunately, Jeff often found himself with far too much too study and far too little time to study it in.

There's really no way to say exactly what game caused him to miss so much school time.

On an unrelated note, his Maat's cap is awesome.

This lead to two very interesting events:

a) an epic cram session

b) developing an intricate scheme to avoid the exam after that cram session goes down in flames

One time, and this is not a joke, he asked me to stab him in the arm with a butcher knife.

Seriously.

His plan was to tell his professor that he slipped and fell on it.

I realize this is both very funny and very sad.

Actually, it's mostly funny. I couldn't even stab the guy because I was laughing so hard.

And you know how I love the stabbing.

So, with an impending exam, and no knife in his forearm, Jeff had to come up with a new plan.

He walks out of his apartment and goes to the nearest stairwell.

[GM]Dave>> What are you doing?
Jeff>> I'm going to put my arm between these rails.
Jeff>> And then I'm going to jump and break my arm.
[GM]Dave>> This is so much better than studying.
[GM]Dave>> I really can't let you do this.
Jeff>> You can't stop me.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm not stopping you.
[GM]Dave>> I just need to go get a camera.

And with that, he jumps.

Do you know how horrific it is to watch your best friend jump down a flight of stairs and break his arm?

Neither do I.

As he jumped, his arm slipped free and, instead of breaking his arm, he flew head long down a flight of stairs and into a wall.

Basically, the only thing that wasn't injured was his writing arm.

I really wish I was making this up.

So, I was caught in a difficult position. Do I laugh hysterically or do I go help my badly hurt best friend?

Of course, I went to help him.

When I finished laughing.

What? This is what guys do.

The entire point of having a best friend is so you can laugh at them.

When they throw themselves down a flight of stairs.

Into a wall.

I should write for Hallmark.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:38 PM