Sunday, April 20, 2008

[GM]Dave =/= Tech Support

This may come as a surprise to some of you.

I. Am. Not. Tech support.

I know how to use a computer. I'm actually pretty good at it.

At a computer store, I know what I'm looking at. I understand words like Gigahertz and RAM. These are not foreign to me.

And yes, I work as customer support for a highly technical, online computer game.

This, however, does not make me some master of all computer technology.

I have no idea how FFXI works. For all I know, it could be powered by magic.

I know there are servers. Those servers have programs on them. Those programs make up the basic construct of Vana'diel and control all related programs.

But I have no idea how those programs work.

Some very smart people somewhere typed something into something else and poof, Vana'diel was created.

I don't ask questions.

Even if I asked the questions, I probably wouldn't understand the answers.

[GM]Dave>> So... How exactly did you program FFXI?
DevProgrammer>> It's pretty simple...

*four hours later*

DevProgrammer>> And that's how it works in a nutshell.
[GM]Dave>> I didn't understand any of that.

[GM]Dave>> And I think I have a brain tumor now.

Then, once you get past the programming which I don't at all understand, the programs send information to players via our network.

I don't know how that works either.

As I understand it, the internet is a series of tubes.

These tubes contain three things:

a) porn

b) games

c) Rick Astley

If any of you actually click on that link, you deserve what you get.

He's never gonna give you up.

I'm sure if I put my mind to it, I could learn how all these things work. There are books. Many of them.

Some without "For Dummies" in the title.

But I don't need to know how these things work. If something stops working, I call someone and yell at them until it works again.

Sometimes I don't even call people related to the problem. I just yell until it gets fixed.

I understand my own home network. I understand that if I lose my connection, I look to see if the green light is on, and then I turn everything off and turn it back on.

But I don't know your network. I don't know anything about your router or your flux capacitor or whatever.

If it breaks, you can be damned certain I don't knowhow to fix it.

You can also be damned certain that I don't care.

Every day, every damned day, I get a GM call from someone who doesn't seem to understand the difference between a GM and tech support.

Then they tell me the message they got.

Player>> It said Error Code-3103.

I don't know what Error Code-3103 means.

I don't think anyone knows what Error Code-3103 means.

It may or may not involve a fish.

Or Rick Astley.

I have no idea.

Now, don't misunderstand. I appreciate the fact that getting this error message can be very worrisome. It means you probably can't log in which is always frustrating.

I get that.

But I don't know how to help you. Unless the problem involves unplugging your modem for 30 seconds and then plugging it back in, I'm not going to be very helpful.

Even if I knew what Error Code-3103 meant, I still wouldn't be able to help you.

Not because I couldn't. Just because I'm an asshole.

You are no doubt surprised.

Please, people. I am not here to answer your tech questions.

I couldn't even if I wanted to.

And I don't.


At 9:03 PM, Blogger Max said...

>>Some very smart people somewhere typed something into something else and poof, Vana'diel was created.

I believe that should say "Some very rich people"

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Max said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 9:06 PM, Blogger Striker said...


At 8:31 AM, Blogger Nathaniel said...

Awesome, awesome post. Since most of us who play FFXI are probably getting these types of questions from non-gamer non-computer-literate people that we know, you'd think we'd be more understanding. I know my entire family thinks I'm their free tech-support; my favorite call started out "I think I broke my email". At least she was taking responsibility, that's the first step...

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

Never goona give you up!

Why isn't this working?

I'll tell you why...


They aren't real you say...

That's true, they are virtual...

How do you fix it?

install anti-gremlens....

Didn't work you say?

Why did you think I knew what I was talking about when I started muttering stuff about gremelens?

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Miguel R. said...

I lol'ed all the way from when Rick Astley was first mentioned until the end.

Nice one, Dave. Looking forward to more!

At 2:50 PM, Blogger Staxx said...

My Family is the same [GM]Dave...I have BA in programing PASCAL. for those among you that know what that is......weep with me and my lost college years. My favorite was fixing the "cup holder" on my sister's computer............"Cup holder"??? yes....she was using the CD tray as a cup holder. I wonder if she can be fed to a Dragon?? She would most likely poison poor helpless Jormy.

At 4:52 PM, Blogger Laserx said...

I clicked on Rick Roll...

... because I enjoy it.
(That's right, I have had that done to me SO many times, that I have begun to actually enjoy the song... as an actual song and not a prank... its still a prank, but a song as well)

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Demorde said...


Ubuntu Ati drivers give slow refreshrate, my wireless stopped working and whenever I attempt to bring up services I can't click on the GUI anymore.


At 5:30 PM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

Does it have to be exactly 30 seconds? Should I count?

At 5:42 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

I like to count the full 30.

I also think that saying mississippi after each number helps.

Sorry to get so technical with you.

At 9:40 PM, Blogger Striker said...

I just got rick roll'd again trying to watch episode 169 of bleach on youtube.


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